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1
00:00:07,332 --> 00:00:09,539
Er, I made tea, fiance.
2
00:00:09,763 --> 00:00:11,182
Nice one, fiancee.
3
00:00:11,907 --> 00:00:12,979
Er, memo.
4
00:00:13,099 --> 00:00:15,339
He liked it and so henceforth
went and put a ring on it.
5
00:00:15,459 --> 00:00:16,251
Yep.
6
00:00:20,390 --> 00:00:21,118
Er...
7
00:00:21,128 --> 00:00:21,981
Morning.
8
00:00:23,842 --> 00:00:25,091
Hello, Kingsley.
9
00:00:24,959 --> 00:00:25,821
All right, mate?
10
00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:53,459
No bowls?
11
00:00:53,460 --> 00:00:57,419
Er, no. Dishwasher's bust.
12
00:00:57,420 --> 00:00:58,459
Argh! Shit!
13
00:00:58,460 --> 00:01:00,379
Sorry, mate. Had to.
14
00:01:00,380 --> 00:01:01,478
Dave...
15
00:01:00,932 --> 00:01:02,399
He's fine? Ain't you?
16
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:03,508
Yeah, it didn't hurt.
17
00:01:03,509 --> 00:01:06,299
Anyway, we're going back to bed.
18
00:01:06,689 --> 00:01:08,149
Oh, um, are we?
19
00:01:13,580 --> 00:01:15,139
Er, good luck for today.
20
00:01:15,140 --> 00:01:16,219
You too.
21
00:01:16,220 --> 00:01:18,862
Just checked the schedule.
Apparently I'm headlining.
22
00:01:18,863 --> 00:01:20,859
Vod, it's just
an English presentation.
23
00:01:20,860 --> 00:01:24,059
Oh, yours might be... Melissa.
24
00:01:24,060 --> 00:01:25,739
Oh, don't call me that.
25
00:01:25,740 --> 00:01:29,139
You sound like my mum...
the mad old hag.
26
00:01:29,140 --> 00:01:32,219
Seriously, though, don't...
don't call me that.
27
00:01:32,220 --> 00:01:33,859
Can we keep it between us?
28
00:01:33,860 --> 00:01:35,939
Yeah, look, Oregon, I get it.
29
00:01:35,940 --> 00:01:38,059
You, er... you've got
a secret identity.
30
00:01:38,060 --> 00:01:40,219
You want to keep it that way.
31
00:01:40,220 --> 00:01:43,219
I haven't got a secret identity.
I'm not Batman.
32
00:01:43,220 --> 00:01:45,019
Well, you have a fake name,
33
00:01:45,020 --> 00:01:48,019
live in a mansion
and ride around on a horse.
34
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:49,659
Batman doesn't have a horse.
35
00:01:49,660 --> 00:01:51,539
Yeah, he does. Point is,
36
00:01:51,540 --> 00:01:54,379
it's in the vault.
37
00:01:54,380 --> 00:01:55,499
Cheers, Vod.
38
00:01:55,500 --> 00:01:58,499
Pchh! Pchh! Pchh!
39
00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:02,059
Erm, until I complete
today's revision timetable,
40
00:02:02,060 --> 00:02:04,459
I won't be partaking in any...
41
00:02:04,460 --> 00:02:05,672
small talk.
42
00:02:07,519 --> 00:02:09,140
Just so you know.
43
00:02:11,860 --> 00:02:15,859
You can go now, Howard.
44
00:02:18,659 --> 00:02:19,779
All right, JP?
45
00:02:20,503 --> 00:02:21,490
Not really.
46
00:02:21,552 --> 00:02:24,020
Oh, God. Of course not.
47
00:02:24,140 --> 00:02:28,139
I've got an end-of-term modular
in 24 hours. I'm stressed to fuck.
48
00:02:28,310 --> 00:02:29,220
Exam?
49
00:02:29,221 --> 00:02:31,459
I thought you meant...
50
00:02:31,460 --> 00:02:32,699
you know...
51
00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:34,299
Oh, my God.
52
00:02:34,300 --> 00:02:37,379
You thought I was upset
because my dad died?
53
00:02:37,380 --> 00:02:41,099
Oh, yeah, Kingsley,
I'm absolutely devastated.
54
00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:43,219
I'm sorry,
I shouldn't have mentioned it.
55
00:02:43,220 --> 00:02:45,659
Oh, I'm so sad, Daddy's dead.
56
00:02:45,660 --> 00:02:47,699
Cry me a fucking river, Kingsley.
57
00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:50,699
He was so young, he was only 53.
58
00:02:50,700 --> 00:02:52,459
He had so much to live for.
59
00:02:53,370 --> 00:02:54,505
Yes. Um...
60
00:02:55,183 --> 00:02:57,339
Sorry. What is this?
61
00:02:57,356 --> 00:03:00,145
I'm grieving, Kingsley.
Have you got a problem with that?
62
00:03:00,146 --> 00:03:02,178
Have you got a problem
with me grieving?
63
00:03:02,180 --> 00:03:05,179
Am I making you feel uncomfortable,
Kingsley?
64
00:03:05,180 --> 00:03:08,995
So... you're fine, basically?
65
00:03:09,373 --> 00:03:10,068
No!
66
00:03:10,341 --> 00:03:12,379
I'm an emotional wreck, Kingsley.
67
00:03:12,380 --> 00:03:14,059
I'm all over the place.
68
00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:16,068
This is just a big cry for help.
69
00:03:16,069 --> 00:03:17,952
I'm going to go and see a counsellor.
70
00:03:18,544 --> 00:03:19,767
Yeah, good one.
71
00:03:20,691 --> 00:03:21,979
I am, actually.
72
00:03:21,980 --> 00:03:22,855
Right.
73
00:03:23,459 --> 00:03:24,281
What?
74
00:03:25,100 --> 00:03:27,899
LOUD HEAVY METAL MUSIC
75
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:31,899
(MOUTHS)
76
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:36,859
MUSIC FADES
77
00:03:36,860 --> 00:03:40,859
They're waiting for you.
78
00:03:47,820 --> 00:03:49,979
(AUDIENCE CHATS SOFTLY)
79
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:53,979
(THEY FALL SILENT)
80
00:03:58,580 --> 00:04:01,499
"Salman Rushdie's
Midnight's Children
81
00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:05,499
"burgeons with life, exuberance
and fantasy." (CLEARS THROAT)
82
00:04:06,540 --> 00:04:08,939
"It is a marvellous sensual epic,"
83
00:04:08,940 --> 00:04:12,939
"it's the sound
of a continent finding its voice."
84
00:04:14,740 --> 00:04:16,939
At least,
that's what it said on Amazon.
85
00:04:16,940 --> 00:04:19,179
I wouldn't know.
86
00:04:19,180 --> 00:04:22,099
Cos I never finished it!
87
00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:26,099
I got to the bit where
the boy with a nose like a cucumber
88
00:04:26,580 --> 00:04:29,419
realises he can read people's minds,
and I thought,
89
00:04:29,420 --> 00:04:33,419
"Sorry, I'm not having this."
90
00:04:34,060 --> 00:04:37,459
Ooh. You're quiet.
91
00:04:37,460 --> 00:04:38,579
Have I shocked you?
92
00:04:38,580 --> 00:04:41,899
Is that some kind of a taboo?
93
00:04:41,900 --> 00:04:44,819
Am I not allowed to pull Salman
Rushdie's pants down in public?
94
00:04:44,820 --> 00:04:46,739
Oh, look!
95
00:04:46,740 --> 00:04:48,699
Look,
the emperor's got no clothes on!
96
00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:52,419
And he's sat there in the nude,
writing this.
97
00:04:52,420 --> 00:04:56,219
Pages and pages
and pages and pages...
98
00:04:56,220 --> 00:05:00,219
of just shit.
99
00:05:01,660 --> 00:05:04,099
You know, it's like I can't breathe.
100
00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:07,379
I feel like I've got this pompous,
101
00:05:07,380 --> 00:05:10,859
fat, naked man sitting on my face,
102
00:05:10,860 --> 00:05:14,859
and he's resting his big, overrated
bollocks on my airways.
103
00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:22,579
So, yeah.
104
00:05:22,580 --> 00:05:26,579
Any questions?
105
00:05:33,140 --> 00:05:37,139
Mm. I blew their minds.
106
00:05:37,140 --> 00:05:39,139
You know, you could see it
in their eyes.
107
00:05:39,140 --> 00:05:42,739
They didn't know whether to cry
or shit themselves.
108
00:05:42,740 --> 00:05:45,499
Dishwasher is down.
The Zanussi is off line.
109
00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:47,179
Yeah, I know.
110
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:51,179
Of course you do. Good old Howard.
Always the last to know.
111
00:05:51,860 --> 00:05:53,699
Whose can is that?
112
00:05:53,700 --> 00:05:55,059
Dave's.
113
00:05:55,060 --> 00:05:59,059
I bet you it's Dave's.
The cheeky fucker.
114
00:06:02,420 --> 00:06:04,539
It's a can, Kings.
115
00:06:04,540 --> 00:06:07,339
Well, no. This morning, right,
116
00:06:07,340 --> 00:06:09,139
I opened my bedroom door,
117
00:06:09,140 --> 00:06:11,179
and there's a pair of his boxers,
118
00:06:11,180 --> 00:06:13,419
just sat there on the landing.
119
00:06:13,420 --> 00:06:16,099
His pants on my part of the landing.
120
00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:18,339
Yeah, that's not great.
121
00:06:18,340 --> 00:06:21,419
I feel like I'm sharing my home
with a copy of Nuts magazine.
122
00:06:21,420 --> 00:06:23,539
Pants on the landing ...
not acceptable.
123
00:06:23,540 --> 00:06:25,019
So we're agreed? He needs to leave.
124
00:06:25,583 --> 00:06:26,234
Hm.
125
00:06:26,973 --> 00:06:27,800
Agreed.
126
00:06:27,809 --> 00:06:29,131
Maybe you should say something.
127
00:06:29,158 --> 00:06:32,246
Maybe I will. Maybe I'll speak to Josie.
128
00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:35,779
Dishwasher's down.
129
00:06:35,780 --> 00:06:38,419
I know it is.
130
00:06:38,420 --> 00:06:40,659
Yeah. Hold on, mate, let me ask her.
131
00:06:40,660 --> 00:06:43,259
Martin wants to know
what you students do all day?
132
00:06:43,260 --> 00:06:44,419
We study.
133
00:06:44,420 --> 00:06:46,619
They study.
134
00:06:46,620 --> 00:06:49,099
Nice one.
He said study your arseholes.
135
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:50,859
Nice one.
136
00:06:50,860 --> 00:06:54,459
Anyway, cheers again.
Yeah, speak to you in a bit. Bye.
137
00:06:54,460 --> 00:06:56,499
That was Martin Blocker.
138
00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:59,619
He's just spoken
to some woman in HR
139
00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:02,939
and the breaking news is...
they're transferring me.
140
00:07:02,940 --> 00:07:03,979
Who is?
141
00:07:03,980 --> 00:07:07,539
Work. They've got me a job up here.
142
00:07:07,540 --> 00:07:08,619
Up where?
143
00:07:08,620 --> 00:07:11,739
Manchester.
I'm moving to Manchester.
144
00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:12,539
Fuck off!
145
00:07:12,540 --> 00:07:14,739
I didn't want to say anything
in case they couldn't sort it.
146
00:07:14,740 --> 00:07:16,099
Fuck!
147
00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:17,259
Wow.
148
00:07:17,260 --> 00:07:18,659
I can't fucking believe it.
149
00:07:18,660 --> 00:07:20,659
So, yeah, I can move in here.
150
00:07:20,660 --> 00:07:22,059
I don't know what to say.
151
00:07:22,060 --> 00:07:23,979
Fuck! Fuck, fuck.
152
00:07:23,980 --> 00:07:25,459
You are OK with it?
153
00:07:25,460 --> 00:07:27,459
Oh, God, yeah.
154
00:07:27,460 --> 00:07:29,499
Yeah! Um, why wouldn't I be?
155
00:07:29,500 --> 00:07:30,819
You keep saying "fuck".
156
00:07:30,820 --> 00:07:32,899
Yeah, but it's a good "fuck".
It's like,
157
00:07:32,900 --> 00:07:35,179
"Fuck, I've just won
the fucking lottery."
158
00:07:35,180 --> 00:07:36,899
So you're happy?
159
00:07:36,900 --> 00:07:38,459
Dave, I'm over the fucking moon.
160
00:07:38,460 --> 00:07:42,459
We can live together.
Get some practice in.
161
00:07:49,300 --> 00:07:52,579
Oregon, could I have a word?
162
00:07:52,580 --> 00:07:54,659
Just checking
we're still on for tonight?
163
00:07:54,660 --> 00:07:58,139
It is a Wednesday, and we do like to
go to a Travelodge on a Wednesday.
164
00:07:58,140 --> 00:08:00,579
The old midweek special.
165
00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:04,059
I have to go to the library and get
a key cut, but after that, yeah.
166
00:08:04,060 --> 00:08:07,179
Well, sorry to add
to your list of chores.
167
00:08:07,180 --> 00:08:10,659
I am looking forward to it,
I just might be a bit late.
168
00:08:10,660 --> 00:08:14,379
Oh, while I've got you here,
this morning's presentations...
169
00:08:14,380 --> 00:08:17,819
I was thinking of giving Jeff
a C minus. I'm a bit torn.
170
00:08:17,820 --> 00:08:21,819
Thought you might have
an insight on him.
171
00:08:26,780 --> 00:08:28,099
You gave Vod an F?!
172
00:08:28,100 --> 00:08:30,179
What do you expect?
173
00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:33,019
"Salman Rushdie
is a giant nude bullshitter."
174
00:08:33,020 --> 00:08:34,939
Shit, is she going to be OK?
175
00:08:34,940 --> 00:08:38,939
Three in a row.
It's academic probation territory.
176
00:08:41,860 --> 00:08:43,099
I mean...
177
00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:44,859
we could change it...
178
00:08:44,860 --> 00:08:47,739
couldn't we?
179
00:08:47,740 --> 00:08:49,259
Massage it
180
00:08:49,260 --> 00:08:51,059
with those magic fingers.
181
00:08:51,060 --> 00:08:55,059
And what do you suggest
would be a more appropriate grade?
182
00:08:55,140 --> 00:08:57,140
A cheeky little B.
183
00:09:05,690 --> 00:09:09,209
Tell me a little bit about
what's brought you here today.
184
00:09:10,010 --> 00:09:11,849
(GROANS)
185
00:09:11,850 --> 00:09:15,129
It's OK, Jonathan.
You can take your time.
186
00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:18,849
Jonathan...
That's what he called me,
187
00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:22,009
when he was alive.
188
00:09:22,010 --> 00:09:23,089
Who's he?
189
00:09:23,539 --> 00:09:24,656
My father.
190
00:09:26,926 --> 00:09:29,794
Is it a recent loss?
191
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,000
Tell me how you're feeling.
192
00:09:36,297 --> 00:09:37,089
Sad.
193
00:09:39,588 --> 00:09:40,432
Guilty.
194
00:09:41,862 --> 00:09:42,724
Angry.
195
00:09:43,570 --> 00:09:45,809
Because now I've got
this geology exam,
196
00:09:45,810 --> 00:09:48,009
and that's all I can think about,
197
00:09:48,010 --> 00:09:49,409
is the geology exam,
198
00:09:49,410 --> 00:09:51,489
and my dad's dead, so I've got both.
199
00:09:51,490 --> 00:09:53,569
I've got dead dad, geology exam.
200
00:09:53,570 --> 00:09:56,583
It's like a huge tap and it's like
the tap has been turned on.
201
00:09:56,624 --> 00:09:59,689
It's just drip, drip, dripping,
overflowing everywhere.
202
00:09:59,690 --> 00:10:03,009
Sorrow, just everywhere, it's all
over the place, is this sorrow.
203
00:10:03,010 --> 00:10:05,849
I can't do the exam. I can't do it.
204
00:10:06,599 --> 00:10:07,349
Hmm.
205
00:10:12,890 --> 00:10:15,129
It's broken. Just leave it, yeah?
206
00:10:15,130 --> 00:10:16,609
Not any more.
207
00:10:18,810 --> 00:10:21,329
It was just the filter.
It's all fixed.
208
00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:22,569
What is?
209
00:10:22,570 --> 00:10:25,529
The dishwasher.
210
00:10:25,530 --> 00:10:27,769
He's fixed the dishwasher.
211
00:10:28,325 --> 00:10:29,064
Bro!
212
00:10:29,850 --> 00:10:31,009
Fucking bro!
213
00:10:31,010 --> 00:10:32,809
Everyone,
214
00:10:32,810 --> 00:10:36,369
Dave's fixed the dishwasher!
215
00:10:36,370 --> 00:10:37,449
What?
216
00:10:37,450 --> 00:10:39,329
He-he-he's fixed the dishwasher.
217
00:10:39,330 --> 00:10:41,249
He's fixed it?
218
00:10:41,250 --> 00:10:42,689
Seriously, it's nothing.
219
00:10:42,690 --> 00:10:45,344
He did something with the filter.
He knows about filters!
220
00:10:45,611 --> 00:10:46,650
Who are you?
221
00:10:46,770 --> 00:10:47,628
I know.
222
00:10:52,090 --> 00:10:53,989
Here. You deserve it.
223
00:10:56,210 --> 00:10:58,649
Do you mind if I put this
back in the fridge?
224
00:10:58,650 --> 00:11:00,569
Fine, yeah.
225
00:11:00,570 --> 00:11:02,889
(LOUDLY) Nobody touch
the big beer in the fridge!
226
00:11:02,890 --> 00:11:04,329
It is Dave's.
227
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,129
You could probably fix that fridge,
228
00:11:06,130 --> 00:11:07,329
if it was broken.
229
00:11:07,330 --> 00:11:09,229
- It depends.
- Wow.
230
00:11:12,870 --> 00:11:14,609
Josie, can I have a word?
231
00:11:15,210 --> 00:11:16,249
Yeah, sure.
232
00:11:16,250 --> 00:11:17,609
Yeah...
233
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:19,889
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
234
00:11:19,890 --> 00:11:21,769
So the thing is...
235
00:11:21,770 --> 00:11:23,329
Dave...
236
00:11:23,330 --> 00:11:25,769
It's getting out of hand.
237
00:11:25,770 --> 00:11:27,689
He's been here five days.
238
00:11:27,690 --> 00:11:30,134
He's leaving empty cans everywhere,
and they're potential death traps.
239
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,876
He's using a lot of hot water.
240
00:11:31,996 --> 00:11:32,649
I...
241
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:35,089
I found toothpaste residue
in the toilet bowl
242
00:11:35,090 --> 00:11:36,689
that I'm pretty sure was his.
243
00:11:36,690 --> 00:11:38,209
Are you being serious?
244
00:11:38,210 --> 00:11:40,729
I'm sorry, I know you're engaged now
and everything.
245
00:11:40,730 --> 00:11:43,369
It's beyond a joke.
Boxers all over the landing.
246
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:46,529
He needs to leave, ASAP.
247
00:11:46,530 --> 00:11:47,809
Why are you being such a dick?
248
00:11:47,810 --> 00:11:49,569
It's not just me, actually.
249
00:11:49,591 --> 00:11:51,447
We've all had enough of him.
Haven't we, Howard?
250
00:11:51,466 --> 00:11:52,279
Haven't we what?
251
00:11:52,399 --> 00:11:54,649
Dave. He's taking the piss out of us.
252
00:11:54,650 --> 00:11:57,129
Oh, I'll tell you
what I think of Dave.
253
00:11:57,130 --> 00:12:00,049
That is what I think of Dave.
I mean...
254
00:12:00,050 --> 00:12:03,729
he's tacking down the saggy bit
of carpet in my bedroom right now.
255
00:12:03,730 --> 00:12:04,489
THUDDING
256
00:12:04,490 --> 00:12:06,209
It's two sugars, isn't it?
257
00:12:06,210 --> 00:12:07,849
Yep. Um, yeah,
258
00:12:07,850 --> 00:12:09,649
but... we agreed.
259
00:12:09,650 --> 00:12:13,369
So you've been talking about Dave,
then. Slagging him off.
260
00:12:13,407 --> 00:12:14,568
It's nothing personal.
261
00:12:14,602 --> 00:12:18,089
No, no, go on.
You've obviously got a problem.
262
00:12:18,090 --> 00:12:22,089
It's not that, I just think he needs
to be a bit more domesticated.
263
00:12:22,370 --> 00:12:23,369
He's not an animal.
264
00:12:23,370 --> 00:12:26,129
No-one's...
No-one's saying he's an animal.
265
00:12:26,130 --> 00:12:29,529
You're just jealous because
you had your chance and you blew it.
266
00:12:29,530 --> 00:12:30,329
What's that supposed to mean?
267
00:12:30,330 --> 00:12:31,929
You know what it means.
268
00:12:31,930 --> 00:12:34,969
When did I get this chance? You've
had a boyfriend the whole time.
269
00:12:34,970 --> 00:12:36,929
Go floss yourself.
270
00:12:36,930 --> 00:12:40,929
I'm putting a wash on,
if you've got anything.
271
00:12:44,290 --> 00:12:46,889
Well done.
You must be really chuffed.
272
00:12:46,890 --> 00:12:48,449
Oh, it's only a B.
273
00:12:48,450 --> 00:12:50,129
Like I give a shit.
274
00:12:50,130 --> 00:12:51,729
It's a fucking letter.
275
00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:54,609
I can give you some tips
on yours if you want,
276
00:12:54,610 --> 00:12:56,649
pointers, tricks of the trade.
277
00:12:56,650 --> 00:13:00,329
Yeah, wow.
That'd be... really good.
278
00:13:00,330 --> 00:13:02,409
I wasn't even trying anyway.
279
00:13:02,410 --> 00:13:06,409
It's like that thing ...
humans only use 10% of their brains.
280
00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:09,449
Yeah, well, I'm operating on,
like, 3%,
281
00:13:09,450 --> 00:13:12,569
and I still got a higher grade
than most of these drones.
282
00:13:12,570 --> 00:13:14,409
Sad, sad wankers.
283
00:13:14,410 --> 00:13:16,018
Oh, shit.
What?
284
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:17,534
Nothing.
285
00:13:22,231 --> 00:13:23,516
Violet Nordstrom?
286
00:13:25,229 --> 00:13:25,980
Yep.
287
00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:27,092
Quick word.
288
00:13:34,970 --> 00:13:37,289
I know you're fucking my husband.
289
00:13:37,290 --> 00:13:39,467
I just wanted to know
when you might be free
290
00:13:39,493 --> 00:13:41,738
for us to go out to coffee,
talk about it.
291
00:13:41,858 --> 00:13:42,844
Hang on.
292
00:13:44,050 --> 00:13:45,809
Who's your husband?
293
00:13:45,810 --> 00:13:47,409
Tony Shales.
294
00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:49,929
English professor?
295
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:53,929
Oh, come on. I saw your grade,
I saw your presentation.
296
00:13:54,010 --> 00:13:55,649
It doesn't take a genius.
297
00:13:55,650 --> 00:13:58,049
I'm fucking him?!
298
00:13:58,050 --> 00:14:00,569
Let's not do this now.
299
00:14:00,570 --> 00:14:04,569
7.30, Cafe Martha, OK?
300
00:14:07,530 --> 00:14:11,529
(SHUDDERS)
301
00:14:13,970 --> 00:14:15,469
STONES TAP ON WINDOW
302
00:14:19,290 --> 00:14:20,909
STONES TAP ON WINDOW
303
00:14:22,810 --> 00:14:24,069
STONES TAP ON WINDOW
304
00:14:24,370 --> 00:14:26,269
STONES TAP
MORE FREQUENTLY ON WINDOW
305
00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:38,549
Oh... oh, hi, Howard.
306
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,790
Were you just throwing stones
at my window?
307
00:14:41,353 --> 00:14:42,039
No.
308
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,759
It wasn't me.
309
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:45,919
That's odd.
310
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,319
I was just walking past,
311
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,848
and maybe some gravel kicked up
off my shoe and hit your window.
312
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,119
Or something.
313
00:14:52,014 --> 00:14:53,430
Yeah, maybe.
314
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,799
Anyway, I thought you liked stones,
geologist.
315
00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,839
I do like stones, Brian.
316
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:03,839
Then I guess we don't have
a problem, then, do we?
317
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,559
Did you want something?
318
00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,959
No, thanks.
319
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,159
Well, I'm just
in the middle of oceanography.
320
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,879
Do you want to get some lunch
or something?
321
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,119
What?
322
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:18,759
It was a joke.
323
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:21,999
Er, it was a joke on a joke.
324
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,119
A riff on the outdated
concept of mealtimes.
325
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:28,119
God, what is wrong with you?
326
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:39,079
GLASS SHATTERS
327
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,599
OK, why does Jean Shales
think I'm shagging her husband?
328
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,239
- What?!
- It's you, isn't it?
329
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,719
You're still shagging that wrinkly
old piss-bag, aren't you?
330
00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:55,959
Yeah, a little bit.
331
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:59,199
So it was bullshit?
You two breaking up. You lied to me.
332
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:00,879
Vod...
333
00:16:02,180 --> 00:16:06,879
Ohh! Well, she knows. She thinks
it's me, but she totally knows.
334
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:09,959
What was she like?
Did she go mental?
335
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,399
Do you know what, she was fine.
336
00:16:12,369 --> 00:16:13,187
Really?
337
00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:17,759
She was like, "Do you want to go out
for coffee tonight, talk about it?"
338
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:19,319
Oh, my God.
339
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,479
That is so French.
340
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,516
It's fucking French.
341
00:16:23,636 --> 00:16:24,910
So what are you going to do?
342
00:16:25,812 --> 00:16:27,410
Nothing, cos I'm not shagging him.
343
00:16:27,530 --> 00:16:29,030
Yeah, obviously.
344
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:31,639
Do you think I should go?
345
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:33,479
You need to straighten this out.
346
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:35,879
OK, all right.
347
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,999
For God's sake,
I'm a bloody love rival.
348
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,239
(GROANS)
349
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:43,759
What a total fucking drama.
350
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:47,479
God. It's like something from
a Woody Allen film or something.
351
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,759
Yeah, dirty old man,
pretty young girl.
352
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,439
I think I've seen that one.
353
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,639
TAPPING
354
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,319
Dave, can you mute that, please?
355
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:58,559
I'm not making any noise.
356
00:16:58,679 --> 00:16:59,319
The tapping.
357
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,079
It's not noise. It's tapping.
358
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:01,639
That's noise.
359
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:02,879
Not really noise, is it?
360
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:04,599
Tapping is noise.
Barely noise.
361
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,045
That's noise.
Not noise.
362
00:17:06,089 --> 00:17:06,811
Can you mute it?
363
00:17:06,931 --> 00:17:08,361
There's nothing to mute.
364
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:15,079
Um, can we have a little chat?
365
00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:16,023
Later.
366
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:25,359
I'm not sure about
you moving to Manchester.
367
00:17:26,437 --> 00:17:27,220
What?
368
00:17:27,221 --> 00:17:30,399
OK, the way I see it, us, yeah...
369
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,519
We're great together in Cardiff,
370
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,919
we have so much fun
together in Cardiff.
371
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,119
Do you see where
I'm going with this?
372
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:40,879
You only like me
when I'm in Cardiff?
373
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,319
No, no, no, no.
374
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,079
No, no, no. God, no.
375
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:47,199
Um, you're a mountain lion.
376
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:50,039
And you're on your mountain
doing great.
377
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:52,279
And then someone
comes along and picks you up
378
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:55,799
and puts you in bloody Rusholme.
379
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,199
You're not going to survive.
You can't thrive.
380
00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,479
You thrive in Cardiff.
381
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,999
So you like me when I'm in Cardiff
382
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,479
but you don't like me
when I'm in Manchester?
383
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,519
How about when I'm in Worcester?
Dave...
384
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,159
At what point along the M6
do you stop liking me?
385
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,039
Junction 9? Junction 10?
Knutsford Services?
386
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:16,039
Why don't we just wait until
we're married to live together,
387
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,483
you know, like people used to?
388
00:18:19,644 --> 00:18:20,583
All right.
389
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:22,717
OK.
390
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:27,599
So why don't we move the wedding
forward, do it next year?
391
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:31,399
Yep. That's an option.
392
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,239
Really?
393
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:37,239
Abso-fucking-lutely.
394
00:18:38,734 --> 00:18:39,430
OK.
395
00:18:40,433 --> 00:18:41,160
Yeah.
396
00:18:41,973 --> 00:18:42,871
Thanks.
397
00:18:43,979 --> 00:18:46,679
Oh... Well, can't you just tell him?
398
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:50,679
All right, fine. Put him on.
399
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,039
All right, Dad?
400
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,479
Yeah, I got a B.
401
00:19:00,321 --> 00:19:01,016
Hmm.
402
00:19:01,623 --> 00:19:05,759
I think I'm, um, starting to get
a handle on it.
403
00:19:06,043 --> 00:19:07,415
No, English.
404
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:12,999
Manchester, actually, Dad.
405
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,479
So, I'm throwing her out
all this grief shit,
406
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:17,119
and she is just gobbling it up
407
00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:20,359
like a fucking heron or something.
She is loving it.
408
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:24,319
And she's going
to sign me off my exam.
409
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,199
Great, well done.
410
00:19:26,319 --> 00:19:28,564
Honestly, if you ever need
any acting lessons...
411
00:19:28,565 --> 00:19:29,440
I don't.
412
00:19:29,442 --> 00:19:30,938
No, I'm just saying, if you ever did.
413
00:19:30,959 --> 00:19:31,919
I don't.
414
00:19:31,923 --> 00:19:33,154
The offer's on the table.
415
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:33,832
You can take it off.
416
00:19:33,841 --> 00:19:35,302
Well, I'm going to leave it
on the table.
417
00:19:35,346 --> 00:19:36,198
I'll move tables.
418
00:19:36,207 --> 00:19:37,720
It's on all the tables.
419
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,959
Thanks, by the way,
for fucking me over with Dave.
420
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,759
What can I say?
421
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:47,079
The guy sorted my swivel chair.
He's a colossus.
422
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:48,479
He's a dick.
423
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,122
What is your beef with Davros?
424
00:19:50,315 --> 00:19:51,119
Davros?!
425
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:54,759
Yes, Davros. I mean,
the guy is a fucking Viking.
426
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,599
He's not a Viking.
427
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:58,999
Oh! We're going down the pub later.
Dave's paying.
428
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,719
Oh, yes to the fucking please.
429
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:05,119
And he just got paid, so I'm
thinking it could be a big one.
430
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,159
Yeah, well, count me out.
431
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:10,999
I mean,
just look at the sheen on that.
432
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:14,119
That really has turned out nice, eh?
433
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:15,479
To Dave.
434
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:16,626
To Davros.
435
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:24,319
BELL RINGS AND KNOCKING
436
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:28,319
Oh, shit.
437
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:32,319
J Penis. Wassa g'wan?
438
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,159
Did you want something?
439
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:37,919
Just had a phone call
with the old headshrinker...
440
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:39,399
da therapist...
441
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:43,399
and wanted to come by and say in
person, during your hour of need...
442
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:45,919
Whatever. Did you sort it? The exam?
443
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,519
Totally, you don't have to do it.
Till next term.
444
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,599
What?
445
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,039
So I still have to do it?
446
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:56,039
And, in fact, I have to study
all over Christmas?
447
00:20:56,159 --> 00:20:57,879
That's going to be really fun,
isn't it?
448
00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:00,119
Sat around the dinner table
with all of my family.
449
00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:01,799
"Oh, Mother, pass me some turkey,"
450
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,159
"be careful not to spill
any gravy on my open copy"
451
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,959
"of the Principles Of Sedimentology."
452
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,159
It's the best I could do.
453
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:11,839
My dad died for this shit,
and this is the best you can do?
454
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:14,599
Bollocks to it.
I'm not doing a fucking postponement.
455
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:18,599
Relax, you're going to pass anyway.
I've seen the paper.
456
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:21,319
You've seen the paper?
457
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:25,319
Yes, and it is a piece o' piss.
458
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:30,159
Do you fancy maybe going
and grabbing a takeaway?
459
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:34,159
Bro?
460
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:41,719
FRENCH SONG ON RADIO
461
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,959
Er... sorry...
462
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,279
Hi.
463
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:48,399
Hello.
464
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:51,919
I'm the one, not the one you thought.
465
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:54,639
But... aren't you oven girl?
466
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,959
Yeah, well, Oregon's my name.
467
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:58,759
Oh, God, what a mess.
468
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:00,559
I'm the woman
who's fucking your husband.
469
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:04,439
Well, you did a brilliant job
on the grill.
470
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:06,159
Oh, thanks.
471
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:10,159
And I love your book.
472
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:13,719
Don't think of it as cheating.
473
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:17,719
Think of it as a little last-minute
one-to-one tuition,
474
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,719
for which I will be paying you
the princely sum
475
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:24,719
of one tandoori chicken.
476
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:27,559
You're... bribing me.
477
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:30,919
Ha! Or am I?
478
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,559
To clarify, I am.
479
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,559
No, absolutely not.
480
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:39,119
Well, Dan, it's too late for that.
481
00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:42,439
Your dick is already on the table.
482
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:46,439
You've eaten half the keema naan
and you've fingered a bhaji.
483
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:48,519
There's no turning back.
484
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:50,999
Seriously, JP,
that could get me fired.
485
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,839
I tell you what could get you fired
is if all of your tutor group fail
486
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:57,439
because none of them can stay awake
during your boring tutorials.
487
00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,119
My tutorials are not boring.
488
00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:02,239
That's not what they're
saying on the forums.
489
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,519
Look, I know there's some troll
on Student Web who's got a beef
490
00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:08,159
with the way I teach hydrology,
and I've spoken to the moderator
491
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:10,239
and that shit shall be taken down.
492
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:13,399
Come on, let's get the ball rolling.
493
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:17,399
What if I were to say to you...
mineral constitutions?
494
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:23,759
I'd say mineral constitutions...
495
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:26,399
were a waste of time.
496
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,039
There we are.
497
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:32,039
That's the spirit.
498
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,119
Good boy.
499
00:23:34,120 --> 00:23:35,999
Come on.
500
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:39,999
Eat the naan.
501
00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:44,439
Who's a good boy?
502
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:48,639
So, right, shall we get down to it?
503
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:50,719
What do you want to do?
504
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:54,719
What do you think?
505
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:59,919
Er, well, I guess I should apologise.
506
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,719
There's really no need.
507
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:03,039
Right, good.
508
00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:05,879
These things happen.
509
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:09,879
C'est la vie.
510
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:12,559
French.
511
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:16,559
Er, but, I mean, obviously we need
to come to some kind of resolution
512
00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:20,399
to this whole fucking mess.
513
00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:24,399
I don't know. I don't see any reason
why you can't keep seeing Tony.
514
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:28,479
What? Really?
515
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:29,639
We're all adults.
516
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:33,199
Well, two of us are.
517
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,319
I'm not so sure about Tony.
518
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:38,559
Oh, yes.(LAUGHS)
519
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,679
The problem with Tony is,
he read Baudelaire at university
520
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:43,239
and thought he understood him.
521
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:47,239
I know exactly what you mean.
522
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:52,639
Sorry, this might sound like
a weird question,
523
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:56,439
but, um, what's the etiquette
vis-a-vis...
524
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:58,399
me doing your module next term?
525
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:02,399
Oh. Right, um, maybe a bit...
I don't know.
526
00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:08,839
Or is it a... I can only
do one of them?
527
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:10,759
Your husband or you module!
528
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:12,159
(LAUGHS)
529
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:13,599
God!
530
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:17,599
Hmm.
531
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,519
The thing I still can't quite
get my head around is...
532
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:24,439
why the fuck
are you getting married?
533
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:25,279
We love each other.
534
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:26,599
OK, fine.
535
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:28,559
Yeah, I get that bit.
536
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:30,599
Why the fuck are you
getting married?
537
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:33,159
It's tradition. It's romantic.
538
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:34,879
It's Kate and Wills.
539
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:36,119
Circle of life.
540
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:37,999
Hakuna matata.
541
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:39,799
Thanks for the delicious pint, Dave.
542
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:43,799
You don't need to keep thanking me,
Howard.
543
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:46,519
Who wants another?
544
00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,759
- Yes, please, Dave.
- Yeah.
545
00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:51,799
I'm fine.
546
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,479
I haven't even finished my pint,
and he's going to the bar.
547
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:56,079
J'adore Dave.
548
00:25:56,080 --> 00:26:00,079
We are but falling leaves
in the garden of Dave.
549
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:03,639
All right,
will you shut up about Dave?
550
00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,399
Oh.
551
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:06,799
Brian?
552
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:09,599
Howard. How are you?
553
00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:12,039
Medium.
554
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:13,759
I'm excellent, thanks for asking.
555
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:16,319
How's your pint? It looks disgusting.
556
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:18,959
It's beyond tasty,
thanks for your concern.
557
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:22,959
I thought your revision plans were
beyond human endurance, but no.
558
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:24,959
Look at you.
559
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:26,599
Out with your friends.
560
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:30,599
"Oh, I'm Howard
and I'm out with my friends."
561
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:35,039
After what you did to me re Geology
Girl, how can you just sit there?
562
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:37,719
Howard, are you OK?
Do you need me to get involved?
563
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:41,319
Oh, oh, oh, big scary Vod.
564
00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:43,599
And Josie.
565
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:46,679
Lovely Josie.
566
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:49,599
Obviously I've heard all about you.
567
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,999
Right. All good, I hope.
568
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,479
Very good.
569
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:54,759
Very, very good indeed.
570
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,839
Excellent.
571
00:26:56,840 --> 00:27:00,839
Very, very glad to hear it.
572
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,519
Specifically what have you heard?
573
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:07,999
The virgin surgeon.
574
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,799
You're the one who's
into cherry-picking,
575
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,799
bro virgins and the taking therein
of their guymens.
576
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:18,559
Right, well, I don't know
who you heard that from.
577
00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:21,679
Don't be like that. Maybe we can
come to some arrangement.
578
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:22,759
Brian, abort.
579
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:24,559
I help you, you help me.
Quid pro quo.
580
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:25,599
Excuse me, mate.
581
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:27,399
Not now. We're negotiating.
582
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:28,999
Abort, Brian, abort.
583
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:29,719
What's that, sorry?
584
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:31,519
She's got a cure for the male virginity
585
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:35,519
and she ain't afraid to use it.
Just ask Kingsley.
586
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:40,439
(SQUEALS)
587
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:42,359
Jesus Christ.
588
00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:44,759
Shit, Dave!
589
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:46,239
Howard, you've got my back, right?
590
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:50,239
Brian, I do not have your back.
It is 100% his back.
591
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:54,279
I'll remember this,
you fucking traitor.
592
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:09,999
PHONE RINGS
593
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:11,879
I'm kind of in the middle
of something, Howard.
594
00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:14,639
Dave ... he's gone rogue.
595
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:16,439
He just nutted Brian.
596
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:17,599
He knows.
597
00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:19,359
What does he know?
598
00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:21,679
Everything.
599
00:28:21,680 --> 00:28:23,959
He's on his way. DEFCON 1.
600
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:25,719
'Repeat, DEFCON 1.'
601
00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:28,319
Oh! Fu... Fuck!
602
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:29,719
Fuck!
603
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:33,719
Agh! Shit.
604
00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:35,479
Fuck.
605
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,519
Fuck. Bye, Dan.
606
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:41,039
Fuck. Fuck.
607
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:42,199
It's Dave. He knows.
608
00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:43,959
Knows what?
609
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:47,260
Fucking everything. I don't know.
That we both shagged Josie?
610
00:28:47,261 --> 00:28:47,959
Oh, bollocks.
611
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:49,079
He's on his way.
612
00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:50,519
KEY RATTLES IN LOCK
613
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:52,279
Oh, shit my pants!
614
00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:54,119
Top bathroom. Safe house.
615
00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:56,919
Go!
616
00:28:56,920 --> 00:28:58,159
(DAVE) Kingsley!
617
00:28:58,160 --> 00:28:59,399
DOOR CLOSES
618
00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:01,559
Kingsley!
619
00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:05,399
Hello?
620
00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:08,799
Kingsley!
621
00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:09,879
Where are you going?
622
00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:12,799
Is that you, Kingsley?
623
00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:16,039
I just want to talk, that's all.
624
00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:20,039
Supplies. We don't know
how long we might be in here.
625
00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:22,639
He's going to kill us.
626
00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:24,799
Kingsley, mate...
He definitely knows about me, right?
627
00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:26,679
(WHISPERS) I don't know what he
knows.
628
00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:28,159
Kingsley?
629
00:29:28,160 --> 00:29:29,919
Are you about for a quick chat?
630
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:32,799
(BANGS ON DOOR)
Shit. Shit.
631
00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:34,839
The window.
632
00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:37,679
We're three floors up.
633
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:41,319
Are you in there?
634
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:42,839
Listen, mate,
I know you're in there.
635
00:29:42,840 --> 00:29:45,719
I can see you through the glass.
636
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:48,199
(MOUTHS)
637
00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:50,879
OK, look. Dave, mate...
638
00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:53,559
just because I've locked
myself in the bathroom,
639
00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:56,319
you know,
that doesn't mean anything.
640
00:29:56,320 --> 00:29:59,279
Then come out.
641
00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:00,839
No, thank you.
642
00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:02,439
(BANGS ON DOOR)
643
00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:03,599
(MOUTHS)
644
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:07,479
Just get in the fucking...
645
00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:10,080
Kingsley, mate!
646
00:30:19,580 --> 00:30:22,139
Dave, I am so, so sorry.
647
00:30:22,140 --> 00:30:24,179
Oh, that's all right, then.
648
00:30:24,180 --> 00:30:27,299
I just found out from some twat
that you had sex with Kingsley,
649
00:30:27,300 --> 00:30:28,419
but you're sorry, so that's OK.
650
00:30:28,420 --> 00:30:29,259
It wasn't like that.
651
00:30:29,260 --> 00:30:30,339
So you didn't have sex with him?
652
00:30:30,340 --> 00:30:31,179
Dave, just listen!
653
00:30:31,180 --> 00:30:33,379
So, you did?
654
00:30:33,380 --> 00:30:34,859
OK.
655
00:30:34,860 --> 00:30:38,059
Fine. Yes, I did.
656
00:30:38,060 --> 00:30:40,739
Jesus Christ, Josie.
657
00:30:40,740 --> 00:30:44,539
Kingsley was a virgin and he wanted
to lose it with someone he knew
658
00:30:44,540 --> 00:30:47,059
and he started
laying this big guilt trip on me
659
00:30:47,060 --> 00:30:48,899
about his mum and this other stuff.
660
00:30:48,900 --> 00:30:50,699
That's factually inaccurate, Dave.
661
00:30:50,700 --> 00:30:52,859
Kingsley, do you want
to stay out of this?
662
00:30:52,860 --> 00:30:54,560
Come on, you're making it
sound like I made you.
663
00:30:54,561 --> 00:30:56,260
I didn't make you.
664
00:30:56,261 --> 00:30:57,179
You practically did!
665
00:30:57,180 --> 00:30:58,219
He molested you?
666
00:30:58,220 --> 00:31:00,139
I did not molest her, Dave.
667
00:31:00,140 --> 00:31:03,859
Not physically,
but emotionally maybe.
668
00:31:03,860 --> 00:31:07,419
She's lying, Dave.
She's trying to shift the blame.
669
00:31:07,420 --> 00:31:11,419
She's a big blame-shifter,
isn't she, JP?
670
00:31:20,540 --> 00:31:24,299
Why is JP in there?
671
00:31:24,300 --> 00:31:27,579
(JP) Davros! Hello! Um...
672
00:31:27,580 --> 00:31:31,499
Yes, Well, I am just as confused
as you are
673
00:31:31,500 --> 00:31:35,499
as to why I find myself
locked in here.
674
00:31:35,580 --> 00:31:37,219
Josie?
675
00:31:37,220 --> 00:31:41,219
I just need three years.
Here, on my own, in Manchester.
676
00:31:43,020 --> 00:31:45,779
And then we can go back to Cardiff
like mountain lions
677
00:31:45,780 --> 00:31:49,779
and we can get married
and we can thrive.
678
00:31:50,180 --> 00:31:54,179
OK?
679
00:31:54,380 --> 00:31:58,379
You shagged JP, didn't you?
680
00:31:58,620 --> 00:31:59,739
You fucking did.
681
00:31:59,740 --> 00:32:02,179
And if anything, he went first,
which is much worse.
682
00:32:02,180 --> 00:32:03,019
(JP WHISPERS) Shut up!
683
00:32:03,020 --> 00:32:05,579
OK...
684
00:32:05,580 --> 00:32:08,219
Before I kick this door down,
685
00:32:08,220 --> 00:32:12,219
has anybody else in there
had sex with my fiancee?!
686
00:32:14,060 --> 00:32:17,339
(JP) Not me. I'm Chester Chan
and I'm from China.
687
00:32:17,340 --> 00:32:19,859
I am kung fu expert.
688
00:32:19,860 --> 00:32:23,859
Unless you go away, I'll come out
there and karate kick your ass!
689
00:32:25,140 --> 00:32:29,139
No, Dave, there's no-one else.
That's just JP doing a silly voice.
690
00:32:29,580 --> 00:32:32,819
Why did you tell him?
He believed it.
691
00:32:32,820 --> 00:32:36,819
Babe, can we just talk about this?
692
00:32:38,740 --> 00:32:39,899
I think he's retreating.
693
00:32:39,900 --> 00:32:41,420
(KINGSLEY) What if
694
00:32:41,421 --> 00:32:42,939
it's some ruse to just
try and smoke us out?
695
00:32:42,940 --> 00:32:44,459
(JP) Yeah, that's a good point.
696
00:32:44,460 --> 00:32:45,699
(KINGSLEY) Do you know what I mean?
697
00:32:45,700 --> 00:32:49,699
(JP) We'd best sit tight.
698
00:32:51,260 --> 00:32:55,259
Nice tit.
699
00:32:59,380 --> 00:33:00,859
KNOCKING
700
00:33:00,860 --> 00:33:02,659
(HOWARD) JP, if you're in there,
701
00:33:02,660 --> 00:33:06,659
we have a modular exam commencing
in approx 45 minutes.
702
00:33:06,860 --> 00:33:08,819
What about Dave?
703
00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:12,819
(HOWARD) Zero Dave.
We are sans Dave.
704
00:33:13,620 --> 00:33:15,179
Shit! Shit!
705
00:33:15,180 --> 00:33:19,179
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
706
00:33:19,660 --> 00:33:21,819
Shitty, shitty bollocks!
707
00:33:21,820 --> 00:33:25,819
Two hours.
You may turn your papers over.
708
00:33:52,620 --> 00:33:54,699
(WHISPERS) You screwed me over.
709
00:33:54,700 --> 00:33:57,219
(WHISPERS) They switched the papers.
710
00:33:57,220 --> 00:33:59,619
I bought you a fucking curry.
711
00:33:59,620 --> 00:34:01,499
There's nothing I can do.
712
00:34:01,500 --> 00:34:05,139
Right... I'll tell you
what I'm going to do now.
713
00:34:05,140 --> 00:34:07,459
I'm going to cross out
these questions.
714
00:34:07,460 --> 00:34:10,419
And I'm going to answer
the questions that I prepared for.
715
00:34:10,420 --> 00:34:14,419
You are going to make that OK.
Did I make myself cl...?
716
00:34:33,620 --> 00:34:37,619
(INDISTINCT)
717
00:35:28,700 --> 00:35:30,139
All right?
718
00:35:30,140 --> 00:35:32,099
Where's Dave?
719
00:35:32,100 --> 00:35:33,939
Ask Kingsley.
720
00:35:33,940 --> 00:35:36,939
No, actually ask Josie.
She's the one who cheated on him.
721
00:35:36,940 --> 00:35:38,579
Yes. With you.
722
00:35:38,580 --> 00:35:42,579
And JP. He was the final straw.
He was the smoking gun.
723
00:35:42,660 --> 00:35:45,579
So yeah, engagement's off.
724
00:35:45,580 --> 00:35:47,579
My mam's been crying down the phone,
725
00:35:47,580 --> 00:35:49,159
and apparently both nans
are devastated.
726
00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:51,639
All due respect to both
nans, not my fault.
727
00:35:52,540 --> 00:35:55,779
Oregon... I've just been
to pick up my reading list.
728
00:35:55,780 --> 00:35:59,779
Why has Shales marked me down
from a B to an F?
729
00:36:01,700 --> 00:36:04,939
Oh, I don't know. That is weird.
730
00:36:04,940 --> 00:36:07,219
Is this you? Did you do something?
731
00:36:07,220 --> 00:36:11,219
Look, he was going to fail you, so I
just asked him to bump you up a bit.
732
00:36:12,580 --> 00:36:16,499
Oh! So, it was shit, then,
was it, my-my presentation?
733
00:36:16,500 --> 00:36:19,299
No, I just... Jean Shales,
she looked at the grades.
734
00:36:19,300 --> 00:36:22,059
Oh! How dare you?
735
00:36:22,060 --> 00:36:24,019
How dare you...
736
00:36:24,020 --> 00:36:26,059
help me?!
737
00:36:26,060 --> 00:36:29,259
I mean, what makes you think
I even give two shits about grades?
738
00:36:29,260 --> 00:36:32,059
I'm sorry. I should have told you.
739
00:36:32,060 --> 00:36:35,459
You just go round
lying all the time.
740
00:36:35,460 --> 00:36:39,459
You can't help yourself.
In fact, do you know what?
741
00:36:39,540 --> 00:36:41,179
Her real name's Melissa.
742
00:36:41,180 --> 00:36:44,379
She lives in a big, huge mansion
in the middle of the country.
743
00:36:44,380 --> 00:36:45,739
She's got her own horse.
744
00:36:45,740 --> 00:36:49,299
And she's been shagging this flabby
old cunt of an English professor
745
00:36:49,300 --> 00:36:50,979
the whole time we've been here.
746
00:36:50,980 --> 00:36:54,979
I am done with you. Done.
747
00:37:02,060 --> 00:37:06,059
Had... had a horse.
748
00:37:06,260 --> 00:37:09,499
DOORBELL RINGS
749
00:37:09,500 --> 00:37:09,979
Tony!
750
00:37:09,980 --> 00:37:11,699
She told me about your meeting.
751
00:37:11,700 --> 00:37:12,499
Shit!
752
00:37:12,500 --> 00:37:14,139
We've just been talking it over.
753
00:37:14,140 --> 00:37:16,899
God, that must have been awful.
What was it like?
754
00:37:16,900 --> 00:37:18,379
It wasn't nice.
755
00:37:18,380 --> 00:37:19,819
Oh, what a shitting mess.
756
00:37:19,820 --> 00:37:22,819
I hope we can get through it without
one of us doing something crazy.
757
00:37:22,820 --> 00:37:26,059
Yeah, that's why I'm here to make
things simple again. I left her.
758
00:37:26,060 --> 00:37:27,139
Oh, my God!
759
00:37:27,140 --> 00:37:28,059
I left her for you.
760
00:37:28,060 --> 00:37:28,819
Oh, my God!
761
00:37:28,820 --> 00:37:32,419
Before you ask, yes, I
have thought this through.
762
00:37:32,420 --> 00:37:34,059
This is happening, Oregon.
763
00:37:34,060 --> 00:37:37,739
No more Jean. No more cloak
and dagger, no more bullshitting.
764
00:37:37,740 --> 00:37:40,979
Just the two of us from here on in.
765
00:37:40,980 --> 00:37:42,059
Right.
766
00:37:42,060 --> 00:37:46,059
You've got me, Oregon.
You've got me all to yourself.
767
00:37:59,340 --> 00:38:02,539
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
768
00:38:02,540 --> 00:38:03,659
Can I help?
769
00:38:03,660 --> 00:38:07,659
Yeah. I was just... thinking
that maybe me and you should...
770
00:38:08,580 --> 00:38:11,739
go for dinner sometime next week.
771
00:38:11,740 --> 00:38:13,779
Right.
772
00:38:13,780 --> 00:38:17,379
Because I mean, I get it.
You're really into me, you know.
773
00:38:17,380 --> 00:38:18,939
Don't bother denying it.
774
00:38:18,940 --> 00:38:21,499
I make you wet, which is fine.
775
00:38:21,500 --> 00:38:24,259
We could just go to dinner,
talk about my dad.
776
00:38:24,260 --> 00:38:27,979
I mean, if you want to,
cos I know you're like... obsessed
777
00:38:27,980 --> 00:38:31,019
with that whole dad thing,
even though it's fucking boring.
778
00:38:31,020 --> 00:38:34,219
I could do a session
on Monday afternoon.
779
00:38:34,220 --> 00:38:35,619
Yeah, that'd be good.
780
00:38:35,620 --> 00:38:36,699
Two o'clock?
781
00:38:36,700 --> 00:38:40,699
Yeah.
782
00:38:45,340 --> 00:38:48,419
She wants me.
783
00:38:48,420 --> 00:38:51,339
(BRIAN) I'm screening your call.
Leave a message,
784
00:38:51,340 --> 00:38:54,699
and I may or may not
get back to you.
785
00:38:54,700 --> 00:38:58,699
Well played, Brian.
786
00:39:00,780 --> 00:39:04,459
Well played indeed.
787
00:39:04,460 --> 00:39:06,539
♪ I said
788
00:39:06,540 --> 00:39:10,539
♪ I pity the fool
789
00:39:12,740 --> 00:39:15,859
♪ That falls in love with you
790
00:39:15,860 --> 00:39:18,699
♪ And expects you to be true
791
00:39:18,700 --> 00:39:22,699
♪ Oh, I pity the fool
792
00:39:25,380 --> 00:39:28,739
♪ Look at the people
793
00:39:28,740 --> 00:39:32,139
♪ I know you're wondering
what they're doing
794
00:39:32,140 --> 00:39:35,139
♪ They're just standing there
795
00:39:35,140 --> 00:39:37,459
♪ Watching you make a fool of me
796
00:39:37,460 --> 00:39:39,099
♪ Look at the people... ♪
55012
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