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1
00:00:33,370 --> 00:00:34,649
Wow! God!
2
00:00:35,950 --> 00:00:39,909
Last night was a massive one.
Hm.
3
00:00:39,910 --> 00:00:43,789
Couldn't have done it
without my wingman. Heh.
4
00:00:43,790 --> 00:00:45,429
(FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS)
5
00:00:45,430 --> 00:00:47,389
Uh.
6
00:00:47,390 --> 00:00:49,549
Good morning.
7
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,269
Ah!
8
00:00:51,270 --> 00:00:54,229
The traditional full English
breakfast. Lovely.
9
00:00:54,230 --> 00:00:56,349
Really sets you up for the day.
10
00:00:56,350 --> 00:00:58,389
Er, anyone for tea or coffee?
11
00:00:58,390 --> 00:01:00,549
Ooh, no.
Er...
12
00:01:00,550 --> 00:01:02,509
Juice, water?
Mm.
13
00:01:02,510 --> 00:01:05,509
Yeah, water, but not hot and not
cold.
14
00:01:05,510 --> 00:01:09,509
Just sort of... tepid.
15
00:01:19,590 --> 00:01:20,949
Oh. No.
16
00:01:20,950 --> 00:01:22,229
That's disgusting.
17
00:01:22,230 --> 00:01:25,069
Eurgh.
18
00:01:25,070 --> 00:01:26,869
Um... yeah,
19
00:01:26,870 --> 00:01:28,909
maybe you should just
give it a rest.
20
00:01:28,910 --> 00:01:32,629
No, it's only weed. Class C.
Right.
21
00:01:32,630 --> 00:01:36,229
Class C in the morning, class B
in the afternoon, class A at night.
22
00:01:36,230 --> 00:01:38,589
That's why they give them letters.
Right, Oregon?
23
00:01:38,590 --> 00:01:40,149
Yeah.
24
00:01:40,150 --> 00:01:41,629
Everyone knows that.
25
00:01:41,630 --> 00:01:43,029
Anyway...
26
00:01:43,030 --> 00:01:45,149
Uhh. I'm powering through.
27
00:01:45,150 --> 00:01:47,789
Massive one last night,
massive one tonight.
28
00:01:47,790 --> 00:01:49,269
(CHUCKLES)
29
00:01:49,270 --> 00:01:51,229
Safer to keep going.
30
00:01:51,230 --> 00:01:55,229
It's just science.
31
00:01:55,350 --> 00:01:57,709
Do you think your dad's
pissed off with you?
32
00:01:57,710 --> 00:01:59,789
Yeah. It's gonna be
the brunch from hell,
33
00:01:59,790 --> 00:02:01,749
the mother of all brunches.
34
00:02:01,750 --> 00:02:05,109
Weeping, shitting and lamentation.
Yeah.
35
00:02:05,110 --> 00:02:08,709
I had a barney with my mum
over my choice of phone tariff.
36
00:02:08,710 --> 00:02:12,709
I was all like, "Back off, sugar
tits. This is my shit."
37
00:02:12,790 --> 00:02:15,229
My dad's from the old school,
you know?
38
00:02:15,230 --> 00:02:19,229
The only time he unbuckles is to
administer a 360-degree arse storm.
39
00:02:19,710 --> 00:02:23,629
Have you considered adoption
as an adult?
40
00:02:23,630 --> 00:02:24,949
Because I have.
41
00:02:24,950 --> 00:02:27,429
No, man. I fucking love it.
42
00:02:27,430 --> 00:02:30,189
Harsh boundaries, maximum slappage.
43
00:02:30,190 --> 00:02:34,189
You know where you stand
with that shee-ite.
44
00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:45,109
Does anyone know
where the Blaster office is?
45
00:02:45,110 --> 00:02:49,109
And, I mean, do you think they just
let you in or if there's, like,
46
00:02:49,110 --> 00:02:51,509
a verbal assessment
or a ritual humiliation
47
00:02:51,510 --> 00:02:53,309
or a trial of strength?
48
00:02:53,310 --> 00:02:55,749
Are you going to the writer's
briefing meeting as well?
49
00:02:55,750 --> 00:02:57,509
What? You know I've always wanted
to do some journalism.
50
00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:59,789
Right, I see.
51
00:02:59,790 --> 00:03:02,669
So, er, you're a newspaper
"virgin" too?
52
00:03:02,670 --> 00:03:04,269
I suppose the next thing,
I'll find out
53
00:03:04,270 --> 00:03:06,429
you're employed by the Sunday
Times.Are you still annoyed
54
00:03:06,430 --> 00:03:09,349
that I slept with someone else?
Even though you're still going out
55
00:03:09,350 --> 00:03:12,069
with your long-term boyfriend,
who you led me believe
you'd broken up with.
56
00:03:12,070 --> 00:03:13,349
Is your friend Ruth coming, too?
57
00:03:13,350 --> 00:03:15,229
Because she could write
a great column
58
00:03:15,230 --> 00:03:18,389
called
How To Be A Mad Diva Slut Fuck!
59
00:03:18,390 --> 00:03:21,909
(PHONE RINGS)
60
00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:25,909
Hi, Dave.
61
00:03:27,270 --> 00:03:31,269
So... I assume this is about
the court appearance?
62
00:03:31,990 --> 00:03:33,949
What court appearance?
63
00:03:33,950 --> 00:03:37,149
Oh, you didn't hear about
the court appearance?
64
00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:38,789
Oh.
65
00:03:38,790 --> 00:03:40,349
Shit.
66
00:03:40,350 --> 00:03:41,669
Um...
67
00:03:41,670 --> 00:03:44,429
Basically, I went on a student demo,
68
00:03:44,430 --> 00:03:47,269
and the police kettled us for,
like, no reason whatsoever,
69
00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:51,189
and I felt compelled
to kick some pretty serious ass.
70
00:03:51,190 --> 00:03:53,189
I see.
71
00:03:53,190 --> 00:03:56,829
So what was the upshot
of this court appearance?
72
00:03:56,830 --> 00:03:58,589
Thrown out on a technicality.
73
00:03:58,590 --> 00:04:00,349
So...
74
00:04:00,350 --> 00:04:03,149
let the scrotum wrenching begin.
75
00:04:03,150 --> 00:04:05,189
Well, that's your business.
76
00:04:05,190 --> 00:04:07,549
You're a grown-up now, Jonathan.
77
00:04:07,550 --> 00:04:08,909
Allegedly.
78
00:04:08,910 --> 00:04:12,509
So that's not why you're here?
79
00:04:12,510 --> 00:04:15,269
No, I've come up
to see your Uncle Donald,
80
00:04:15,270 --> 00:04:17,989
and your mother insisted
that I say hello.
81
00:04:17,990 --> 00:04:19,789
You know what she's like.
82
00:04:19,790 --> 00:04:23,389
She's convinced herself you've got
scurvy or rickets or something.
83
00:04:23,390 --> 00:04:26,869
Well, you can tell Mum that the only
disease I'm in danger of getting
84
00:04:26,870 --> 00:04:30,869
is a sexually transmitted one.
85
00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:36,029
Do you have an STD?
86
00:04:36,030 --> 00:04:40,029
N-No, I-I definitely don't.
87
00:04:40,190 --> 00:04:43,589
Hold on, I thought
you hated Uncle Donald,
88
00:04:43,590 --> 00:04:45,389
ever since the secateurs incident.
89
00:04:45,390 --> 00:04:47,269
Yes.
90
00:04:47,270 --> 00:04:49,269
Well, it's a professional visit.
91
00:04:49,270 --> 00:04:53,269
Isn't he like a... a doctor or...?
What is he?
92
00:04:53,390 --> 00:04:56,349
He's a heart surgeon.
93
00:04:56,350 --> 00:05:00,269
And I've had a heart attack.
94
00:05:00,270 --> 00:05:01,549
You had a heart attack?
95
00:05:01,550 --> 00:05:03,189
What? Yes.
96
00:05:03,190 --> 00:05:05,989
When was it?
I don't know.
97
00:05:05,990 --> 00:05:08,709
Six or seven weeks ago.
98
00:05:08,710 --> 00:05:10,349
I can't believe
you didn't bloody mention it.
99
00:05:10,350 --> 00:05:12,269
Well, I'm sorry, I was a bit busy
100
00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:15,269
having and then recuperating from
a heart attack.
101
00:05:15,270 --> 00:05:16,589
You couldn't call me?
102
00:05:16,590 --> 00:05:18,309
Not even a text?
103
00:05:18,310 --> 00:05:20,869
"Jonathan, had a hearters. OK now."
104
00:05:20,870 --> 00:05:22,229
Slanty face.
105
00:05:22,230 --> 00:05:23,589
Didn't want to bother you.
106
00:05:23,590 --> 00:05:25,349
I can't believe you didn't tell me.
107
00:05:25,350 --> 00:05:28,589
(MOCKING TONE)
"I can't believe you didn't tell me."
108
00:05:28,590 --> 00:05:32,589
Well, I've told you now.
109
00:05:34,030 --> 00:05:36,949
Are you, you know, OK?
110
00:05:36,950 --> 00:05:40,269
Yes, yes, I'm fine.
111
00:05:40,270 --> 00:05:44,269
Just can't eat or drink
anything interesting ever again.
112
00:05:45,350 --> 00:05:49,349
OK, bye.
113
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:52,749
Dave just proposed.
114
00:05:52,750 --> 00:05:54,349
Fuck off.
115
00:05:54,350 --> 00:05:55,709
I'm serious.
116
00:05:55,710 --> 00:05:58,189
(BOTH)
Oh, my God. What a dick.
117
00:05:58,190 --> 00:06:00,749
What a total dick.
No offence.
118
00:06:00,750 --> 00:06:02,309
No.
He just rings up
119
00:06:02,310 --> 00:06:04,829
and proposes over the phone?
On a Monday morning?
120
00:06:04,830 --> 00:06:07,189
What, was he stuck in traffic
and just decided
121
00:06:07,190 --> 00:06:09,789
he'd ask you to marry him while
waiting for the lights to change?!
122
00:06:09,790 --> 00:06:11,989
Yeah. But...
123
00:06:11,990 --> 00:06:15,589
maybe he's been feeling like this
for a really long time
124
00:06:15,590 --> 00:06:17,789
and he just thought, "If I don't
say this, I'm gonna burst."
125
00:06:17,790 --> 00:06:19,589
No.
Nah.
126
00:06:19,590 --> 00:06:21,949
He's just worried that
now you're at uni, you might stray,
127
00:06:21,950 --> 00:06:23,309
thought he'd better keep a tie on
you.
128
00:06:23,310 --> 00:06:24,949
Yeah. Marriage is lovely,
isn't it?
129
00:06:24,950 --> 00:06:26,989
Lovely for the medieval women
130
00:06:26,990 --> 00:06:28,389
who got married at puberty
131
00:06:28,390 --> 00:06:31,029
as punishment for showing their
ankles to the farmer's boy.
132
00:06:31,030 --> 00:06:33,389
This is 2011!
You need to sow your oats.
133
00:06:33,390 --> 00:06:37,389
Then get married to a fuckdog in
Vegas, off your face on ketamine.
134
00:06:38,390 --> 00:06:40,789
Yeah.
135
00:06:40,790 --> 00:06:42,749
Bless him for asking, though.
136
00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:44,469
I just need to let him down gently.
137
00:06:44,470 --> 00:06:45,949
No, you won't!
138
00:06:45,950 --> 00:06:47,949
You need to go round to his house
and bash him in the bollocks with a
brick.
139
00:06:47,950 --> 00:06:50,109
That might be the coke talking.
140
00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:52,949
It really fucking isn't!
141
00:06:52,950 --> 00:06:54,749
So, should I say congratulations?
142
00:06:54,750 --> 00:06:56,989
Oh, fuck off, Kingsley, you...
143
00:06:56,990 --> 00:06:58,629
dick lord.
144
00:06:58,630 --> 00:07:02,629
Not the most devastating insult!
145
00:07:06,710 --> 00:07:09,349
What are you staring at?
146
00:07:09,350 --> 00:07:10,429
Lauren.
147
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:13,469
Geology Girl.
Oh.
148
00:07:13,470 --> 00:07:14,829
She's so fit.
149
00:07:14,830 --> 00:07:16,629
Yeah.
150
00:07:16,630 --> 00:07:18,429
But is she?
151
00:07:18,430 --> 00:07:22,429
Or have we just been brainwashed
by lack of female contact?
152
00:07:23,230 --> 00:07:25,629
Interesting.
Mm.
153
00:07:25,630 --> 00:07:29,629
Like two lonely submarine commandos
wanking to the shipping forecast.
154
00:07:32,230 --> 00:07:36,229
No. She's definitely fit.
155
00:07:36,950 --> 00:07:38,909
And she knows it.
156
00:07:38,910 --> 00:07:40,709
Look at her...
157
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,349
preening.
158
00:07:42,350 --> 00:07:44,829
What a dick.
159
00:07:44,830 --> 00:07:47,629
All... lovely
160
00:07:47,630 --> 00:07:49,349
and knowing she's lovely.
161
00:07:49,350 --> 00:07:50,989
Disgusting.
162
00:07:50,990 --> 00:07:54,349
Maybe one of us should ask her out...
163
00:07:54,350 --> 00:07:55,909
as a joke.
164
00:07:55,910 --> 00:07:57,509
It'd be funny because...
165
00:07:57,510 --> 00:07:59,029
we hate her.
166
00:07:59,030 --> 00:08:01,109
Yes, do that.
What?
167
00:08:01,110 --> 00:08:05,109
I'll... I'll film it on my phone, it
will be hilarious. Lauren, Lauren!
168
00:08:06,870 --> 00:08:10,629
I was just wondering if you
wanted to meet up after
lectures for a drink?
169
00:08:10,630 --> 00:08:11,669
Hm!
170
00:08:11,670 --> 00:08:14,309
Wow, that's... direct.
171
00:08:14,310 --> 00:08:17,389
I completely understand.
172
00:08:17,390 --> 00:08:20,549
It was pretty full-on, what you said
in the Stratigraphy tutorial...
173
00:08:20,550 --> 00:08:24,549
that the Earth is expanding,
but no-one wants to talk about it.
174
00:08:24,950 --> 00:08:25,989
Yes.
175
00:08:25,990 --> 00:08:27,709
Of course.
176
00:08:27,710 --> 00:08:28,909
It's interesting.
177
00:08:28,910 --> 00:08:31,629
Yeah.
178
00:08:31,630 --> 00:08:33,069
I'd like to go for a drink.
179
00:08:33,070 --> 00:08:37,069
Let's do that.
180
00:08:43,910 --> 00:08:47,709
Wow, you're taking this seriously.
181
00:08:47,710 --> 00:08:50,349
Is that a graph?
Why have you done a graph?
182
00:08:50,350 --> 00:08:52,829
None of your business.
183
00:08:52,830 --> 00:08:54,709
Anyway, how's your pitch?
184
00:08:54,710 --> 00:08:56,629
Fine.
185
00:08:56,630 --> 00:08:59,629
What's that on your hand?
186
00:08:59,630 --> 00:09:03,389
Does that say "demo"?
It's my notes. Research.
187
00:09:03,390 --> 00:09:05,149
Ah, yes, because...
188
00:09:05,150 --> 00:09:06,909
all the greats
do filing on their own bodies!
189
00:09:06,910 --> 00:09:07,949
Yeah.
190
00:09:07,950 --> 00:09:11,949
I heard Julian Assange wrote most of
WikiLeaks on his legs.
Only way to go.
191
00:09:13,190 --> 00:09:14,629
OK. So...
192
00:09:14,630 --> 00:09:17,469
you're not guaranteed to get
anything in this week's issue,
193
00:09:17,470 --> 00:09:19,629
but this is a chance for you
to run your ideas past us.
194
00:09:19,630 --> 00:09:23,629
We can give you a bit of a steer.
195
00:09:24,790 --> 00:09:26,709
You don't need to put your hand up,
196
00:09:26,710 --> 00:09:29,469
but, er, yes, go ahead.
197
00:09:29,470 --> 00:09:33,349
Oh, hello, yes. Um, I'd like to do a
piece on the recent anti-cuts demo.
198
00:09:33,350 --> 00:09:34,549
(WHISPERS)
That's my idea.
199
00:09:34,550 --> 00:09:37,309
You stole my idea.
Shut up, fuckhead.
200
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:40,389
Yes, a sort of, um, Up The Spout...
201
00:09:40,390 --> 00:09:42,189
A View From Inside The Kettle.
202
00:09:42,190 --> 00:09:45,669
OK. We'll consider
a short eyewitness account.
203
00:09:45,670 --> 00:09:47,949
Oh. Great, thanks!
204
00:09:47,950 --> 00:09:50,309
Right, let's carry on
this way round the room.
205
00:09:50,310 --> 00:09:51,949
Er, yes?
206
00:09:51,950 --> 00:09:53,509
Er, yeah.
207
00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:57,509
Um... I was thinking
of doing a piece about...
208
00:09:58,230 --> 00:09:59,909
students,
209
00:09:59,910 --> 00:10:01,749
student life.
210
00:10:01,750 --> 00:10:03,109
A day in the life of a student.
211
00:10:03,110 --> 00:10:05,069
Right?
Yeah, like, um...
212
00:10:05,070 --> 00:10:06,909
the stuff the papers ignore,
213
00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:09,309
like toast, the eternal debate.
214
00:10:09,310 --> 00:10:12,109
Smooth or crunchy? Or...
215
00:10:12,110 --> 00:10:14,349
Marmite, love it or hate it?
216
00:10:14,350 --> 00:10:17,949
Is it the classic Marmite product?
217
00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:21,109
Great. I'll be taking
zero words on that.
218
00:10:21,110 --> 00:10:23,789
Look, we're open to columns and
stuff,
219
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,549
but it really needs
to have some edge. OK?
220
00:10:26,550 --> 00:10:30,269
Next...
(GIRL)
I'd like to do an article...
221
00:10:30,270 --> 00:10:33,589
(SNIFFS)
222
00:10:33,590 --> 00:10:35,069
Yeah.
223
00:10:35,070 --> 00:10:38,389
I know.
224
00:10:38,390 --> 00:10:42,389
Just... Just keep me posted, OK?
225
00:10:45,230 --> 00:10:46,549
Hello.
226
00:10:46,550 --> 00:10:48,869
Howard, hi, hello.
227
00:10:48,870 --> 00:10:50,709
(CLEARS THROAT)
Um...
228
00:10:50,710 --> 00:10:51,909
this is Mike.
229
00:10:51,910 --> 00:10:54,149
Hello.
230
00:10:54,150 --> 00:10:55,469
Yeah?
231
00:10:55,470 --> 00:10:57,829
And... you are?
232
00:10:57,830 --> 00:10:59,949
She's already said, I'm Mike.
And...
233
00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:03,949
are you a Geology person?
Nah.
234
00:11:04,710 --> 00:11:08,149
What... sort of person are you?
235
00:11:08,150 --> 00:11:11,189
I do Management and Leisure. What
fucking difference does it make?
236
00:11:11,190 --> 00:11:13,229
Just...
237
00:11:13,230 --> 00:11:15,749
making conversation between...
238
00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:18,349
fellow persons.
Why? Are you chatting me up?
239
00:11:18,350 --> 00:11:21,589
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
240
00:11:21,590 --> 00:11:23,109
Would anyone like a drink?
241
00:11:23,110 --> 00:11:24,949
I'm fine, thank you.
242
00:11:24,950 --> 00:11:26,669
A pint of wife beater,
if you're buying.
243
00:11:26,670 --> 00:11:28,229
A pint of...
244
00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:30,469
wife beater...
245
00:11:30,470 --> 00:11:34,469
for Mike.
246
00:11:41,270 --> 00:11:43,269
Are you OK?
Yeah,
247
00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:45,429
fine, cracking form. Why?
Just...
248
00:11:45,430 --> 00:11:48,629
warm beer in the middle of the day,
with your teeth.
249
00:11:48,630 --> 00:11:50,749
I don't really want to talk about
it, all right?
250
00:11:50,750 --> 00:11:52,909
OK.
251
00:11:52,910 --> 00:11:55,189
It's my dad.
252
00:11:55,190 --> 00:11:57,869
Is he OK?
He's just...
253
00:11:57,870 --> 00:11:59,349
so fucking boring.
254
00:11:59,350 --> 00:12:00,829
He's all like,
255
00:12:00,830 --> 00:12:02,389
"Do you want to talk
about boring old man stuff?"
256
00:12:02,390 --> 00:12:04,429
And I'm like,
"No, I don't. That's boring."
257
00:12:04,430 --> 00:12:05,949
I wish I'd just been...
258
00:12:05,950 --> 00:12:09,349
hatched from an egg so I didn't have
to deal with fucking RoboDad
259
00:12:09,350 --> 00:12:10,789
and his mechanical failings.
260
00:12:10,790 --> 00:12:11,949
You know?
261
00:12:11,950 --> 00:12:15,949
Yeah.
262
00:12:16,030 --> 00:12:18,229
The thing about tennis
263
00:12:18,230 --> 00:12:21,389
is I don't really give a shit
if it's aerobic for anaerobic
or whatever.
264
00:12:21,390 --> 00:12:22,989
Problem is, it's not a sport
265
00:12:22,990 --> 00:12:24,389
cos it's not played by a team.
266
00:12:24,390 --> 00:12:28,389
Right. I think a lot of people
think tennis is a sport.
267
00:12:28,950 --> 00:12:32,389
But I totally see what you mean.
268
00:12:32,390 --> 00:12:36,389
Do you mind if I read?
269
00:12:45,470 --> 00:12:48,309
Oregon!
270
00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:52,309
Oregon!
271
00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:55,869
I feel weird.
272
00:12:55,870 --> 00:12:59,069
Like, I can't feel my arm,
273
00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:02,229
or I can but it's not mine,
274
00:13:02,230 --> 00:13:06,229
and everything looks kind of like
I'm on a motorway.
275
00:13:06,470 --> 00:13:08,909
Am I on a motorway?
276
00:13:08,910 --> 00:13:10,469
Am I all right, Oregon?
277
00:13:10,470 --> 00:13:14,469
Ahhh...
278
00:13:14,790 --> 00:13:16,749
What's going on?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
279
00:13:16,750 --> 00:13:17,949
Vod might be having a in overdose.
280
00:13:17,950 --> 00:13:19,909
I don't think she is.
Oh, my God.
281
00:13:19,910 --> 00:13:22,269
I'm not good in an crisis.
Right, shall I call an ambulance?
282
00:13:22,270 --> 00:13:24,749
Fuck, no. Half that coke's mine.
If the cops come, that makes me
283
00:13:24,750 --> 00:13:26,629
like an accessory.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
284
00:13:26,630 --> 00:13:28,029
Is she breathing?
She must be breathing.
285
00:13:28,030 --> 00:13:29,229
She keeps saying, "Oh, my God."
286
00:13:29,230 --> 00:13:30,469
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
287
00:13:30,470 --> 00:13:32,589
I mean, you can't say things
unless you're breathing, can you?
288
00:13:32,590 --> 00:13:34,229
Put her in the recovery position.
289
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,109
What's that?
I don't know.
290
00:13:36,110 --> 00:13:37,429
Relax. I know the recovery
position.
291
00:13:37,430 --> 00:13:39,269
Come on, Vod.
292
00:13:39,270 --> 00:13:40,789
Oh!
293
00:13:40,790 --> 00:13:42,069
Shit. No, wait.
294
00:13:42,070 --> 00:13:43,949
I know the Heimlich manoeuvre.
295
00:13:43,950 --> 00:13:45,349
Do you want the Heimlich manoeuvre,
Vod?
296
00:13:45,350 --> 00:13:46,829
(THUD)
(THEY GASP)
297
00:13:46,830 --> 00:13:49,349
Is she actually having an overdose?
Of course she is.
298
00:13:49,350 --> 00:13:50,589
Not necessarily.
299
00:13:50,590 --> 00:13:53,189
She might just be having
a disturbingly brilliant time.
300
00:13:53,190 --> 00:13:56,549
Right, OK, um... we should ask her
if she's having an overdose,
301
00:13:56,550 --> 00:13:57,829
because if she thinks she is,
then she probably is.
302
00:13:57,830 --> 00:14:01,429
OK, um, Vod, do you think
you're having an overdose?
303
00:14:01,430 --> 00:14:02,589
Mm.
304
00:14:02,590 --> 00:14:04,189
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
305
00:14:04,190 --> 00:14:06,349
Right, that's it.
I'm calling an ambulance.
306
00:14:06,350 --> 00:14:09,149
You're fucking not.
I'm not going to prison.
307
00:14:09,150 --> 00:14:10,669
I'm posh and pretty.
308
00:14:10,670 --> 00:14:12,109
They will batter me both ends.
309
00:14:12,110 --> 00:14:15,709
Well, if we do nothing and she dies,
then we're all going to prison, OK?
310
00:14:15,710 --> 00:14:18,589
I've read The Secret History. This
is how this kind of shit starts up.
311
00:14:18,590 --> 00:14:21,229
She's not gonna die.
Realistically, she might die.
312
00:14:21,230 --> 00:14:23,669
We've just got to open ourselves
to that possibility.
313
00:14:23,670 --> 00:14:24,745
Shut up, Howard.
314
00:14:36,002 --> 00:14:38,081
Why did you bring a beer?
It's not a road trip.
315
00:14:38,356 --> 00:14:40,275
This is in Vod's honour.
316
00:14:40,276 --> 00:14:44,075
If a man goes down, you don't stop
the war, you battle through.
Apoc-a-lash.
317
00:14:44,076 --> 00:14:45,555
Why are hospitals so grim?
318
00:14:45,556 --> 00:14:48,075
Would it be because
they're museums of death?
319
00:14:48,076 --> 00:14:51,955
Vod partied her way into hospital,
the ultimate party destination,
320
00:14:51,956 --> 00:14:54,515
I mean, she is gonna be
a legend on campus.
321
00:14:54,516 --> 00:14:56,115
Just have a think about it.
322
00:14:56,116 --> 00:14:57,875
Hiya.
323
00:14:57,876 --> 00:15:01,115
I'll leave you to your friends.
324
00:15:01,116 --> 00:15:02,635
Hey, guys.
325
00:15:02,636 --> 00:15:04,275
Hey, Vod.
326
00:15:04,276 --> 00:15:08,275
We got you a "get well" card.
327
00:15:09,436 --> 00:15:13,435
Oh, wow.
328
00:15:13,836 --> 00:15:16,795
How'd you get Paul Lamb,
the Invisible Man, to sign it?
329
00:15:16,796 --> 00:15:19,115
He didn't. That was me.
330
00:15:19,116 --> 00:15:20,955
I just thought it should be
from all us.
331
00:15:20,956 --> 00:15:22,995
Did you do the others as well?
No.
332
00:15:22,996 --> 00:15:24,035
Just him.
333
00:15:24,036 --> 00:15:25,115
And Howard.
334
00:15:25,116 --> 00:15:28,155
I don't do cards.
335
00:15:28,156 --> 00:15:31,235
It's nothing personal.
336
00:15:31,236 --> 00:15:33,035
(SIGHS)
Can we get you anything?
337
00:15:33,036 --> 00:15:34,635
Yeah.
338
00:15:34,636 --> 00:15:36,315
Can I have a cup of tea?
Right-o.
339
00:15:36,316 --> 00:15:39,635
Cup of tea for the legend.
340
00:15:39,636 --> 00:15:43,635
Brought you a copy of the paper, just
in case you wanted to have a read.
341
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:45,035
Or...
(MONITOR BEEPS)
342
00:15:45,036 --> 00:15:47,835
would you be OK to maybe chat?
343
00:15:47,836 --> 00:15:49,555
Yeah.
344
00:15:49,556 --> 00:15:52,835
My throat's a bit sore
from all the stomach pumping.
345
00:15:52,836 --> 00:15:54,435
Oh, no!
346
00:15:54,436 --> 00:15:57,715
Sorry to hear that.
347
00:15:57,716 --> 00:16:01,715
So... what was it like
having your stomach pumped?
348
00:16:05,356 --> 00:16:08,555
How's it going, old dude?
349
00:16:08,556 --> 00:16:12,395
Here you are, geeze.
Thank you.
350
00:16:12,396 --> 00:16:16,395
Hang in there.
351
00:16:26,156 --> 00:16:28,355
What's wrong?
Hey.
352
00:16:28,356 --> 00:16:30,155
No... Er, all good.
353
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,475
Just...
354
00:16:31,476 --> 00:16:35,115
you know, need to sit down.
355
00:16:35,116 --> 00:16:37,435
Seeing all these old people's
really tiring. You know?
356
00:16:37,436 --> 00:16:39,915
I get... I get like that sometimes.
357
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:43,395
Like, art galleries,
all the old paintings...
358
00:16:43,396 --> 00:16:46,475
they're tiring.
359
00:16:46,476 --> 00:16:48,795
What's going on?
360
00:16:48,796 --> 00:16:52,795
My dad's had a heart attack.
361
00:16:53,476 --> 00:16:54,835
Um...
362
00:16:54,836 --> 00:16:57,195
I've... I've kind of been going
through some tough home shit as well.
363
00:16:57,196 --> 00:17:01,195
Yeah?
364
00:17:01,516 --> 00:17:04,315
It's just, um... I've had this horse,
365
00:17:04,316 --> 00:17:05,755
Roulette.
366
00:17:05,756 --> 00:17:08,795
Um, I've had him since I was 12
367
00:17:08,796 --> 00:17:10,915
and I think
we're gonna have to put him down.
368
00:17:10,916 --> 00:17:13,035
Like, soon.
369
00:17:13,036 --> 00:17:16,955
And...
A horse?
370
00:17:16,956 --> 00:17:18,275
That's not the same.
371
00:17:18,276 --> 00:17:20,235
What?
A horse and a dad,
372
00:17:20,236 --> 00:17:21,835
that's not the same.
373
00:17:21,836 --> 00:17:23,795
No. Oh, no, I wasn't saying that...
Seriously,
374
00:17:23,796 --> 00:17:25,355
not cool, Oregon.
375
00:17:25,356 --> 00:17:26,715
It's a horse.
376
00:17:26,716 --> 00:17:29,675
It's basically just
a big fucking dog.
377
00:17:29,676 --> 00:17:31,875
I know that it's just...
378
00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:35,595
I know that it's just basically,
factually, just a horse,
379
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:37,635
but it's like...
380
00:17:37,636 --> 00:17:40,475
Roulette was my whole childhood,
381
00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:44,475
and I feel like my whole childhood
is about to be shot in the head.
382
00:17:45,916 --> 00:17:49,595
Yeah, well, I guess
that's pretty shit.
383
00:17:49,596 --> 00:17:52,235
Thanks.
384
00:17:52,236 --> 00:17:54,715
Hey, I kind of love the fact
that you had a horse, though.
385
00:17:54,716 --> 00:17:56,755
You're one of me.
386
00:17:56,756 --> 00:17:58,595
Well...
387
00:17:58,596 --> 00:17:59,875
no, I mean, I'm not.
388
00:17:59,876 --> 00:18:01,395
Not really. Um...
389
00:18:01,396 --> 00:18:04,675
You know, we had him on loan
for the first few years and, er,
390
00:18:04,676 --> 00:18:06,155
then we bought him really cheap,
391
00:18:06,156 --> 00:18:08,795
and... his tack was always
second-hand.
392
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:09,955
I don't even wear proper boots.
393
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:12,115
I just wear trainers
and fuck up my feet.
394
00:18:12,116 --> 00:18:13,435
Ooh!
395
00:18:13,436 --> 00:18:15,195
Edgy.
396
00:18:15,196 --> 00:18:16,715
Grunge horse.
397
00:18:16,716 --> 00:18:19,875
Gotcha.
398
00:18:19,876 --> 00:18:23,875
You big posho.
399
00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:26,315
Have you told your parents?
400
00:18:26,316 --> 00:18:28,555
No, they wouldn't care.
401
00:18:28,556 --> 00:18:32,115
I don't even know where my dad is.
402
00:18:32,116 --> 00:18:35,115
Do you need to nominate a next of
kin? Who would that be?
403
00:18:35,116 --> 00:18:36,235
Oregon?
404
00:18:36,236 --> 00:18:38,395
Nah, Oregon's my wingman!
405
00:18:38,396 --> 00:18:42,395
That's like the opposite of next of kin!
(CHUCKLES)
406
00:18:43,276 --> 00:18:45,515
And how do you feel now?
407
00:18:45,516 --> 00:18:47,795
You're asking a lot of questions.
408
00:18:47,796 --> 00:18:49,675
I'm just concerned.
Better.
409
00:18:49,676 --> 00:18:51,595
Less like I'm on a motorway.
410
00:18:51,596 --> 00:18:53,035
Well, you look well.
411
00:18:53,036 --> 00:18:54,475
Yeah, you look really well.
412
00:18:54,476 --> 00:18:55,995
You don't. They're lying.
413
00:18:55,996 --> 00:18:58,915
So... has all this
made you stop and think,
414
00:18:58,916 --> 00:19:00,275
do you think?
415
00:19:00,276 --> 00:19:01,435
Is it like...
416
00:19:01,436 --> 00:19:04,715
a life-changing moment?
417
00:19:04,716 --> 00:19:06,275
Are you taking notes?
418
00:19:06,276 --> 00:19:08,595
No! Just...
419
00:19:08,596 --> 00:19:09,995
doodling.
420
00:19:09,996 --> 00:19:11,275
Are you...?
421
00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:12,915
Is this for the Blaster?
422
00:19:12,916 --> 00:19:16,595
This is sort of like a really shit
roller coaster.
423
00:19:16,596 --> 00:19:17,835
Just give me a shout
424
00:19:17,836 --> 00:19:19,755
when you've made your decision,
Vod.
425
00:19:19,756 --> 00:19:22,235
Yeah.
Decision?
426
00:19:22,236 --> 00:19:25,955
They think maybe I should think
about rehab or a women's centre.
427
00:19:25,956 --> 00:19:27,915
Rehab? Wow!
428
00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:29,275
How do you feel about that?
429
00:19:29,276 --> 00:19:30,515
Is that a real question?
430
00:19:30,516 --> 00:19:33,795
Yes, it is a real question!
I'm interested for my friend.
431
00:19:33,796 --> 00:19:36,115
Look, rehab is nothing
to be ashamed of.
432
00:19:36,116 --> 00:19:38,075
This has got clay pigeon shooting.
433
00:19:38,076 --> 00:19:39,995
Is that a good idea?
434
00:19:39,996 --> 00:19:42,395
Giving depressed
and mentally unstable people guns?
435
00:19:42,396 --> 00:19:43,595
So, we good to go?
436
00:19:43,596 --> 00:19:44,835
They think I should stay.
437
00:19:44,836 --> 00:19:48,835
Um, they said that Vod should enter
a drugs treatment program.
438
00:19:49,076 --> 00:19:51,835
There's a spare bed
in the Women's Crisis Centre.
439
00:19:51,836 --> 00:19:53,955
Crisis? What crisis?
440
00:19:53,956 --> 00:19:55,435
Look at you.
441
00:19:55,436 --> 00:19:58,475
You're a lege, all right? You've
just done a massive one, that's all.
442
00:19:58,476 --> 00:20:00,195
Yeah, I mean, rehab?
443
00:20:00,196 --> 00:20:02,035
Bit much.
444
00:20:02,036 --> 00:20:03,675
Yeah, she's saying that,
she's your wingman.
445
00:20:03,676 --> 00:20:07,035
Or, if you want to top yourself,
they've got guns.
446
00:20:07,036 --> 00:20:09,235
Howard! Look,
447
00:20:09,236 --> 00:20:11,475
I just think Vod should be left
to make the decision on her own.
448
00:20:11,476 --> 00:20:13,635
This is bullshit.
She's been brainwashed.
449
00:20:13,636 --> 00:20:15,595
If you actually read the
leaflets...
450
00:20:15,596 --> 00:20:18,675
Oh! Read the leaflet!
Talk to the doctors!
451
00:20:18,676 --> 00:20:20,195
Whoop-de-fucking-doo, Kingsley.
452
00:20:20,196 --> 00:20:21,515
This girl knows how to live.
453
00:20:21,516 --> 00:20:22,875
Come on, Vod!
454
00:20:22,876 --> 00:20:24,475
Back to Hartnell, big fry-up,
455
00:20:24,476 --> 00:20:26,835
couple of episodes of Rastamouse,
you'll be right as rain.
456
00:20:26,836 --> 00:20:30,475
JP, it's not normal to end up
in hospital after a night out.
457
00:20:30,476 --> 00:20:32,715
Uh, hello? Yes, it is!
458
00:20:32,716 --> 00:20:34,955
Now, come on, Vod.
Let's blow this joint.
459
00:20:34,956 --> 00:20:36,875
Yeah, fuck it, let's go.
460
00:20:36,876 --> 00:20:40,875
Vod...
We are busting you out of here.
461
00:20:41,716 --> 00:20:45,715
You can stick your Crisis Centre,
Nurse Jackie.
462
00:20:49,276 --> 00:20:52,395
The natural order has been restored.
463
00:20:52,396 --> 00:20:54,835
You tried to step into
the world of the normals,
464
00:20:54,836 --> 00:20:58,035
but they identified you as a
replicant.
465
00:20:58,036 --> 00:21:00,515
From now on, it's just you
and the rocks, my friend.
466
00:21:00,516 --> 00:21:03,595
You're safe among the rocks.
467
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,715
Howard?
468
00:21:05,716 --> 00:21:08,515
Hi. I was looking for you.
469
00:21:08,516 --> 00:21:10,355
I'm really sorry about Mike.
470
00:21:10,356 --> 00:21:14,315
He's just a weird guy from my
corridor who I couldn't shake off.
471
00:21:14,316 --> 00:21:16,795
Oh, right.
472
00:21:16,796 --> 00:21:20,315
Can we meet up again?
473
00:21:20,316 --> 00:21:22,555
OK.
Great.
474
00:21:22,556 --> 00:21:26,555
How about Film Club tomorrow?
475
00:21:31,796 --> 00:21:34,195
I don't understand.
476
00:21:34,196 --> 00:21:36,955
It's like I'm getting dragged over
hot coals and punched in the balls
477
00:21:36,956 --> 00:21:38,795
again and again.
478
00:21:38,796 --> 00:21:40,235
And I'm loving it.
479
00:21:40,236 --> 00:21:43,755
You can't go to Film Club with her.
480
00:21:43,756 --> 00:21:45,115
Film Club is our thing.
481
00:21:45,116 --> 00:21:48,635
Maybe we could go next week.
No!
482
00:21:48,636 --> 00:21:49,955
Next week it's Beethoven.
483
00:21:49,956 --> 00:21:52,115
I don't want to see Beethoven again.
484
00:21:52,116 --> 00:21:55,155
I do, however,
want to see 2001 again.
485
00:21:55,156 --> 00:21:56,875
I heart 2001.
486
00:21:56,876 --> 00:21:58,795
I've already agreed
to go with Lauren.
487
00:21:58,796 --> 00:22:00,555
Come on, Howard, don't be pathetic!
488
00:22:00,556 --> 00:22:02,875
Well, look, maybe we could
meet for a drink before,
489
00:22:02,876 --> 00:22:04,675
and then I'll see Lauren after.
490
00:22:04,676 --> 00:22:07,035
Oh, yeah, I'll be your
nasty little amuse-bouche
491
00:22:07,036 --> 00:22:09,995
before your big lovely sex dinner!
492
00:22:09,996 --> 00:22:13,995
I'd be thrilled about that, Howard.
Thrilled!
493
00:22:15,636 --> 00:22:19,195
Um... so, Vod,
what do you think about drugs now?
494
00:22:19,196 --> 00:22:22,915
I don't really think about things,
to be honest.
495
00:22:22,916 --> 00:22:26,915
Here you go.
496
00:22:30,796 --> 00:22:33,475
What about that time when
you vomited on that guy
when you were fucking him?
497
00:22:33,476 --> 00:22:35,635
Yeah, that was actually
a really good night.
498
00:22:35,636 --> 00:22:38,675
Life is so fucked up.
499
00:22:38,676 --> 00:22:39,875
And harsh.
500
00:22:39,876 --> 00:22:41,155
And random.
501
00:22:41,156 --> 00:22:42,435
Yeah.
502
00:22:42,436 --> 00:22:45,075
You just need to grab it
by the horns, you know?
503
00:22:45,076 --> 00:22:46,395
Do everything,
504
00:22:46,396 --> 00:22:48,155
see everything, snort everything.
505
00:22:48,156 --> 00:22:50,995
Yeah! Like Vod! Yeah!
506
00:22:50,996 --> 00:22:53,875
Let's get properly fucked.
Let's do a Vod.
507
00:22:53,876 --> 00:22:55,835
Yeah, I was being sarcastic.
508
00:22:55,836 --> 00:22:58,635
Count me out.
509
00:22:58,636 --> 00:23:00,755
I've, er, got a date.
510
00:23:00,756 --> 00:23:02,755
With Geology Girl.
511
00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:05,355
We're gonna see 2001
at the Film Club.
512
00:23:05,356 --> 00:23:07,995
Perfect. Go to 2001.
513
00:23:07,996 --> 00:23:09,715
We'll neck a fistful of tabs,
514
00:23:09,716 --> 00:23:11,035
like proper full-on acid trip,
515
00:23:11,036 --> 00:23:12,395
break through to the other side.
516
00:23:12,396 --> 00:23:15,155
Acid? Really?
Isn't that, you know, a bit...?
517
00:23:15,156 --> 00:23:16,355
Dangerous.
518
00:23:16,356 --> 00:23:18,515
A previous Hartnell
resident did acid,
519
00:23:18,516 --> 00:23:20,755
convinced himself that his trip
was never gonna end
520
00:23:20,756 --> 00:23:22,435
and he was gonna die
of sleep deprivation.
521
00:23:22,436 --> 00:23:26,035
I had to listen to him
talking about it for 14 hours.
522
00:23:26,036 --> 00:23:28,315
That doesn't sound too bad.
523
00:23:28,316 --> 00:23:32,275
It was very boring.
524
00:23:32,276 --> 00:23:33,915
So... newsflash.
525
00:23:33,916 --> 00:23:35,515
We're all doing acid.
526
00:23:35,516 --> 00:23:38,555
A proper massive trip. Break through
to the other side. Vod, are you in?
527
00:23:38,556 --> 00:23:40,315
Don't be ridiculous!
528
00:23:40,316 --> 00:23:42,555
I actually have another anecdote
on this topic.
529
00:23:42,556 --> 00:23:44,355
Shut up, Howard.
What do you mean?
530
00:23:44,356 --> 00:23:47,275
She just got out of hospital, for
fuck's sake. She's not gonna do acid.
531
00:23:47,276 --> 00:23:49,555
Er, "she"? Who's "she"?
I'm sorry, Vod.
532
00:23:49,556 --> 00:23:51,555
It's just, I don't think you should.
533
00:23:51,556 --> 00:23:53,515
Maybe she can decide that herself.
534
00:23:53,516 --> 00:23:56,355
It's just very unusual for me to
have another anecdote on a topic.
535
00:23:56,356 --> 00:24:00,355
Well, why don't you go
and write about it on
your fucking blog, Howard?
536
00:24:02,796 --> 00:24:05,115
OK, she is not an expert on drugs.
537
00:24:05,116 --> 00:24:07,475
She took too many
and ended up in hospital.
538
00:24:07,476 --> 00:24:09,195
That makes her
the opposite of an expert.
539
00:24:09,196 --> 00:24:12,275
Fuck's sake, Josie!
Just stop being such a choirgirl.
540
00:24:12,276 --> 00:24:13,795
We just want to have a laugh,
541
00:24:13,796 --> 00:24:16,475
and hard drugs
are a reliable way to do that.
542
00:24:16,476 --> 00:24:20,395
And the more you take, the better
you feel. That is well documented.
543
00:24:20,396 --> 00:24:21,835
Kingsley, back me up here.
544
00:24:21,836 --> 00:24:25,435
I think Vod
can make her own decisions.
545
00:24:25,436 --> 00:24:26,715
Right.
546
00:24:26,716 --> 00:24:30,035
Because it would be good for your
article if she had another overdose.
547
00:24:30,036 --> 00:24:31,715
Might even be better if she died.
548
00:24:31,716 --> 00:24:33,315
I mean, you might
make the front page.
549
00:24:33,316 --> 00:24:35,235
Article? What article?
550
00:24:35,236 --> 00:24:37,355
The reason that Kingsley has been
asking all those questions
551
00:24:37,356 --> 00:24:39,835
is because he's writing an article
about you for the Blaster.
552
00:24:39,836 --> 00:24:40,955
Oh, yeah?
553
00:24:40,956 --> 00:24:44,195
And the thing is, you'll have no
control over how you come across.
554
00:24:44,196 --> 00:24:48,195
I mean, he might make you out to be
some skanky, druggie... junkie whore.
555
00:24:49,036 --> 00:24:51,675
You're not the sort of person
who cares what other
people think about you?
556
00:24:51,676 --> 00:24:54,435
No, couldn't give a shit.
Been called worse.
557
00:24:54,436 --> 00:24:56,155
Been called worse by my nan.
558
00:24:56,156 --> 00:24:57,795
There you go.
559
00:24:57,796 --> 00:25:00,355
It's all fine.
Why do you even give a shit
560
00:25:00,356 --> 00:25:03,035
if we all do a trip anyway? It's not
like it's any of your business.
561
00:25:03,036 --> 00:25:05,035
I give a shit because
I'm a normal human being.
562
00:25:05,036 --> 00:25:07,955
I know you think it's cool
to be studenty and rebellious,
563
00:25:07,956 --> 00:25:09,875
but what about in five years' time,
when you're in a clinic
564
00:25:09,876 --> 00:25:11,635
thinking you've bust through
to the other side,
565
00:25:11,636 --> 00:25:14,115
but actually, you're just rocking
back and forth in a Slanket
566
00:25:14,116 --> 00:25:16,155
singing the word "bonkers"
to the Dizzee Rascal song
567
00:25:16,156 --> 00:25:18,435
that's playing on a loop
in your head?!
568
00:25:18,436 --> 00:25:20,995
By which time,
Vod will be dead, because...
569
00:25:20,996 --> 00:25:23,355
Josie, can I just say...
570
00:25:23,356 --> 00:25:25,515
thanks for the tea,
571
00:25:25,516 --> 00:25:27,355
but I can look after myself.
572
00:25:27,356 --> 00:25:30,755
I mean, I kind of need
to make choices, you know?
573
00:25:30,756 --> 00:25:32,515
Choices?
Yeah.
574
00:25:32,516 --> 00:25:36,035
And my choice is...
575
00:25:36,036 --> 00:25:37,715
to take shit-loads of acid.
576
00:25:37,716 --> 00:25:39,915
God has given me a brain,
577
00:25:39,916 --> 00:25:42,875
and I'm choosing to do
some pretty wicked stuff to it.
578
00:25:42,876 --> 00:25:46,115
Which may or may not result
in further hospitalisation.
579
00:25:46,116 --> 00:25:50,115
And if you don't like it,
you can lick my hairy strap-on.
580
00:25:50,756 --> 00:25:53,657
The Vodster! Back in the game!
581
00:26:03,372 --> 00:26:04,651
I'm not gonna go mad, am I?
582
00:26:04,652 --> 00:26:07,411
I'm not gonna start seeing skulls
and cutting myself?
583
00:26:07,412 --> 00:26:09,251
That sort of thing...
You'll be fine.
584
00:26:09,252 --> 00:26:12,611
You might enjoy science fiction
a bit more. End of.
585
00:26:12,612 --> 00:26:14,211
Yeah, people do this shit all the
time.
586
00:26:14,212 --> 00:26:17,291
They don't all end up living
homeless, thinking they're dingoes.
587
00:26:17,292 --> 00:26:18,571
(PHONE BUZZES)
588
00:26:18,572 --> 00:26:22,571
(# JOHANN STRAUSS II: The Blue Danube)
589
00:26:22,612 --> 00:26:26,611
(BUZZING STOPS)
590
00:26:27,852 --> 00:26:29,931
It's nice to have you to myself
this time.
591
00:26:29,932 --> 00:26:31,491
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
592
00:26:31,492 --> 00:26:32,651
I'm serious.
593
00:26:32,652 --> 00:26:34,491
Really?
594
00:26:34,492 --> 00:26:35,731
Hey, guys.
595
00:26:35,732 --> 00:26:39,731
Fancy seeing you here.
596
00:26:42,892 --> 00:26:44,851
This is great, isn't it?
597
00:26:44,852 --> 00:26:48,091
Now I have an audience
for my ironic director's commentary.
598
00:26:48,092 --> 00:26:52,091
You're in for an absolute treat.
599
00:27:03,892 --> 00:27:05,491
Sorry they didn't use your piece.
600
00:27:05,492 --> 00:27:07,691
I don't give a shit.
601
00:27:07,692 --> 00:27:11,291
I did it in, like,
five minutes, so...
602
00:27:11,292 --> 00:27:13,411
Hi, Kingsley.
Oh, hi.
603
00:27:13,412 --> 00:27:15,851
Congrats on the piece.
Why don't you join us for a drink?
604
00:27:15,852 --> 00:27:18,291
We always have a debrief
after we've gone off stone.
605
00:27:18,292 --> 00:27:22,291
Nothing fancy,
just some wine and nibbles.
606
00:27:23,252 --> 00:27:25,251
Shall we?
607
00:27:25,252 --> 00:27:26,651
I'm not invited.
608
00:27:26,652 --> 00:27:28,651
She was talking to both of us.
No,
609
00:27:28,652 --> 00:27:31,171
she was talking to you.
She was angled towards you.
610
00:27:31,172 --> 00:27:33,491
She was angled away from me.
Well...
611
00:27:33,492 --> 00:27:36,371
even if you're not invited,
I'm sure I could get you in.
612
00:27:36,372 --> 00:27:39,211
Wow, the big man can get me in!
613
00:27:39,212 --> 00:27:40,851
What, tucked inside your coat?!
614
00:27:40,852 --> 00:27:43,011
Hidden under your massive talent?!
615
00:27:43,012 --> 00:27:44,371
How exciting!
616
00:27:44,372 --> 00:27:47,171
I can be a groupie for a guy who just
got an article in the student paper.
617
00:27:47,172 --> 00:27:49,171
Josie... Can I give you a blow job
618
00:27:49,172 --> 00:27:53,171
while you read me your article,
because that would be amazing?
619
00:27:55,612 --> 00:27:59,611
Right, fuck it, let's do this shit.
620
00:28:00,212 --> 00:28:02,731
To your very good health.
Chin-chins.
621
00:28:02,732 --> 00:28:06,731
Howard!
622
00:28:09,652 --> 00:28:12,211
I think... I think he's probably just
really nervous about tripping.
623
00:28:12,212 --> 00:28:13,251
Yeah.
624
00:28:13,252 --> 00:28:14,451
That's why he necks it down so fast,
you know.
625
00:28:14,452 --> 00:28:16,131
Yeah, that's classic nerves.
Yeah.
626
00:28:16,132 --> 00:28:18,651
I've seen that a lot.
Check it out.
627
00:28:18,652 --> 00:28:19,931
Just necked a tab of acid.
628
00:28:19,932 --> 00:28:23,931
Fucking shitting myself,
but it's gonna be bloody brilliant!
629
00:28:24,092 --> 00:28:26,011
Oh! Hello.
630
00:28:26,012 --> 00:28:27,691
Am I tripping already?
631
00:28:27,692 --> 00:28:29,171
Is she real?
632
00:28:29,172 --> 00:28:30,371
(PHONE BUZZES)
633
00:28:30,372 --> 00:28:32,931
JP!
634
00:28:32,932 --> 00:28:33,971
Your phone's goin'.
635
00:28:33,972 --> 00:28:35,411
Oh, you get it.
636
00:28:35,412 --> 00:28:39,411
I'm hallucinating
that Howard has a girlfriend.
637
00:28:42,652 --> 00:28:46,651
(PHONE BUZZES)
638
00:28:52,172 --> 00:28:55,291
She-she feels so real!
639
00:28:55,292 --> 00:28:57,971
JP's dad just had
another heart attack.
640
00:28:57,972 --> 00:28:59,891
His mum wants us
to drive him home...
641
00:28:59,892 --> 00:29:01,811
to Cornwall.
642
00:29:01,812 --> 00:29:04,251
That means we can't do this trip.
643
00:29:04,252 --> 00:29:05,931
Oh, yeah, I know.
644
00:29:05,932 --> 00:29:08,771
Gutted.
645
00:29:08,772 --> 00:29:10,531
So where are we going?
646
00:29:10,532 --> 00:29:12,411
We're going for a drive.
647
00:29:12,412 --> 00:29:14,171
We're gonna put some tunes on,
648
00:29:14,172 --> 00:29:15,851
and you can look out of window.
649
00:29:15,852 --> 00:29:18,011
When you look at the world
through a window,
650
00:29:18,012 --> 00:29:20,691
it makes it awesome, like TV.
651
00:29:20,692 --> 00:29:22,171
Look!
(GASPS)
652
00:29:22,172 --> 00:29:26,171
Wow!
653
00:29:28,092 --> 00:29:29,611
(WOMAN LAUGHS)
654
00:29:29,612 --> 00:29:33,611
(LAUGHS)
655
00:29:51,852 --> 00:29:55,851
(PHONE RINGS)
656
00:30:07,932 --> 00:30:10,691
(LAUGHS)
And I was like, excuse me, Philip Roth,
657
00:30:10,692 --> 00:30:12,931
just because you call it
the Great American Novel
658
00:30:12,932 --> 00:30:14,811
doesn't mean it is
the Great American Novel.
659
00:30:14,812 --> 00:30:16,611
(LAUGHTER)
660
00:30:16,612 --> 00:30:18,611
Did I tell you about the time
Dave Eggers...?
661
00:30:18,612 --> 00:30:19,931
We were on a flight together...
662
00:30:19,932 --> 00:30:23,931
All the way to JFK...
663
00:30:24,852 --> 00:30:26,931
Hello.
664
00:30:26,932 --> 00:30:30,171
'Hi, this is Josie.
Leave me a message.'
665
00:30:30,172 --> 00:30:34,171
(LAUGHTER)
666
00:30:34,612 --> 00:30:37,771
She was a bit weird
with the popcorn.
667
00:30:37,772 --> 00:30:39,811
It's a cinema. It's dark.
668
00:30:39,812 --> 00:30:42,411
Go on, say it. She's a rough eater.
669
00:30:42,412 --> 00:30:45,291
And she has archaeologist hair.
670
00:30:45,292 --> 00:30:46,651
Hey!
671
00:30:46,652 --> 00:30:50,411
Arguably, she is a bit
of a rough eater, but...
672
00:30:50,412 --> 00:30:52,451
Oh, hi, Lauren.
673
00:30:52,452 --> 00:30:54,731
Howard was just saying
what a rough eater you are,
674
00:30:54,732 --> 00:30:56,851
weren't you, Howard?
I-I...
675
00:30:56,852 --> 00:30:59,131
And that you have archaeologist
hair. What?!
676
00:30:59,132 --> 00:31:01,691
Lauren, would you like
to come back to my room?
677
00:31:01,692 --> 00:31:04,851
Great. Let's all go back to your
room. You're not invited.
678
00:31:04,852 --> 00:31:08,851
I think I might go.
679
00:31:08,972 --> 00:31:10,451
There, you see?
680
00:31:10,452 --> 00:31:12,371
We've lost her.
We'velost her?
681
00:31:12,372 --> 00:31:13,691
We...
682
00:31:13,692 --> 00:31:16,531
Lauren, please don't go.
683
00:31:16,532 --> 00:31:19,651
We could go to PizzaExpress.
684
00:31:19,652 --> 00:31:21,651
I love the way you eat. It's pretty.
685
00:31:21,652 --> 00:31:23,491
I don't like pizza.
You're not invited.
686
00:31:23,492 --> 00:31:25,651
You're not part of this.
You never were.
687
00:31:25,652 --> 00:31:28,331
I'm sorry. This is too weird.
688
00:31:28,332 --> 00:31:29,851
Bye, Lauren.
689
00:31:29,852 --> 00:31:31,531
And we're back in reality.
690
00:31:31,532 --> 00:31:33,091
You've ruined...
691
00:31:33,092 --> 00:31:34,851
everything.
692
00:31:34,852 --> 00:31:37,491
Come on, it was a bit of a joke.
693
00:31:37,492 --> 00:31:39,251
Howard and the romance dating?
694
00:31:39,252 --> 00:31:40,931
It wasn't to me, right...
695
00:31:40,932 --> 00:31:42,771
Oh, so you have feelings now, HAL?
696
00:31:42,772 --> 00:31:44,531
Oh, well done, you.
Just...
697
00:31:44,532 --> 00:31:46,251
Fuck you!
698
00:31:46,252 --> 00:31:48,531
That's it.
What?
699
00:31:48,532 --> 00:31:50,811
You and me. We've broken up.
We're done.
700
00:31:50,812 --> 00:31:54,331
If me and you were a couple
in a soap opera, I'd be like...
701
00:31:54,332 --> 00:31:57,011
"I'm leaving you, Brian.
702
00:31:57,012 --> 00:32:01,011
"I'm leaving you."
703
00:32:06,892 --> 00:32:08,771
Awesome trees!
704
00:32:08,772 --> 00:32:12,411
They are awesome!
705
00:32:12,412 --> 00:32:16,411
(PHONE BUZZES)
706
00:32:21,252 --> 00:32:22,651
Oh, no.
707
00:32:22,652 --> 00:32:23,771
Not now.
708
00:32:23,772 --> 00:32:26,211
Not now!
What's the matter?
709
00:32:26,212 --> 00:32:27,811
We have to make a detour.
710
00:32:27,812 --> 00:32:31,411
I don't think that's a good idea.
Awesome trees!
711
00:32:31,412 --> 00:32:32,771
Fuck, yeah.
712
00:32:32,772 --> 00:32:34,891
We have to make a detour.
Why?
713
00:32:34,892 --> 00:32:36,811
For Roulette.
714
00:32:36,812 --> 00:32:39,691
My horse.
715
00:32:39,692 --> 00:32:41,451
(LAUGHS)
What?
716
00:32:41,452 --> 00:32:43,411
I know.
717
00:32:43,412 --> 00:32:45,651
You've got a horse?
I know.
718
00:32:45,652 --> 00:32:48,571
An actual horse horse?
719
00:32:48,572 --> 00:32:52,571
With hooves and a saddle?
720
00:32:52,612 --> 00:32:55,971
And a massive horse face?
Yes!
721
00:32:55,972 --> 00:32:58,291
Probably seems
a bit ridiculous, right?
722
00:32:58,292 --> 00:32:59,931
Yeah.
723
00:32:59,932 --> 00:33:01,691
I really need to go and visit him.
724
00:33:01,692 --> 00:33:03,091
It's not too far.
725
00:33:03,092 --> 00:33:04,931
I promise I'll be quick.
Yeah, well,
726
00:33:04,932 --> 00:33:08,571
I think JP's drive is a little
more important than your horse.
727
00:33:08,572 --> 00:33:11,411
Awesome tune!
(SOFTLY)
Yeah!
728
00:33:11,412 --> 00:33:15,411
Please, Vod, I'm begging you.
He's dying.
729
00:33:16,892 --> 00:33:18,211
OK, fine.
730
00:33:18,212 --> 00:33:20,531
(SIGHS)
It's gotta be quick.
731
00:33:20,532 --> 00:33:24,531
OK.
732
00:33:35,332 --> 00:33:36,891
This is it.
733
00:33:36,892 --> 00:33:38,491
This is your house?
734
00:33:38,492 --> 00:33:40,291
Yep.
735
00:33:40,292 --> 00:33:42,691
It's fucking massive.
It's not that big.
736
00:33:42,692 --> 00:33:44,011
No wonder you needed a horse.
737
00:33:44,012 --> 00:33:45,971
You couldn't get round it on foot.
738
00:33:45,972 --> 00:33:48,171
I thought you said
your dad was unemployed?
739
00:33:48,172 --> 00:33:49,691
Yeah, he is.
740
00:33:49,692 --> 00:33:53,211
He's retired and he's not rich.
It's just all in property.
741
00:33:53,212 --> 00:33:54,491
Property?
742
00:33:54,492 --> 00:33:56,931
Yeah, so it's not liquid.
Um, none of it's liquid.
743
00:33:56,932 --> 00:33:59,171
Oh, yeah, fair enough.
744
00:33:59,172 --> 00:34:00,691
Yeah, it's like
if you've got a load of money
745
00:34:00,692 --> 00:34:02,331
but it's in the bank,
you're actually poor.
746
00:34:02,332 --> 00:34:05,291
It's not the same.
747
00:34:05,292 --> 00:34:09,291
Did you get invited
to the Royal wedding?
748
00:34:09,532 --> 00:34:13,531
I'm not posh, OK?
749
00:34:18,012 --> 00:34:19,851
Where are we?
750
00:34:19,852 --> 00:34:22,211
Oregon's house.
751
00:34:22,212 --> 00:34:23,451
Oh, yeah.
752
00:34:23,452 --> 00:34:25,531
Oregon is a massive posho...
753
00:34:25,532 --> 00:34:29,531
blud.
754
00:34:30,612 --> 00:34:32,411
Pass the wet towel, Melissa.
755
00:34:32,412 --> 00:34:33,891
Melissa?
756
00:34:33,892 --> 00:34:37,891
Who's Melissa?
757
00:34:41,772 --> 00:34:45,011
You're Melissa?
758
00:34:45,012 --> 00:34:46,691
Technically. Legally.
759
00:34:46,692 --> 00:34:48,851
Oh, so is there anything else?
760
00:34:48,852 --> 00:34:51,171
Er, are you really
the Duchess of Chester?
761
00:34:51,172 --> 00:34:54,851
Do you sell your own range
of sliced organic peacock?
762
00:34:54,852 --> 00:34:58,851
Seriously, who the fuck are you
and what's with all the secrets?
763
00:34:59,012 --> 00:35:00,851
Look, Vod, I'm really sorry.
764
00:35:00,852 --> 00:35:02,891
I knew I shouldn't have trusted you.
765
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:04,531
I thought you were my mate.
766
00:35:04,532 --> 00:35:06,451
I am.
Oh...
767
00:35:06,452 --> 00:35:08,531
Hey, boy.
768
00:35:08,532 --> 00:35:10,291
Look at you.
769
00:35:10,292 --> 00:35:11,651
Look at you
770
00:35:11,652 --> 00:35:15,651
and your lovely silky neck.
771
00:35:16,172 --> 00:35:17,691
He's really ill, isn't he?
772
00:35:17,692 --> 00:35:21,691
He's not gonna make it.
773
00:35:22,172 --> 00:35:24,891
We've never talked, have we?
774
00:35:24,892 --> 00:35:26,291
Because...
775
00:35:26,292 --> 00:35:28,331
you're a horse, and...
776
00:35:28,332 --> 00:35:30,531
I'm a stranger.
777
00:35:30,532 --> 00:35:32,651
But we can still be close.
778
00:35:32,652 --> 00:35:34,331
We can still have a connection.
779
00:35:34,332 --> 00:35:36,451
You're not boring.
780
00:35:36,452 --> 00:35:39,611
Just because you're a horse
doesn't mean that you're boring.
781
00:35:39,612 --> 00:35:42,091
(SNIFFS)
782
00:35:42,092 --> 00:35:45,891
I really want a hug.
783
00:35:45,892 --> 00:35:48,571
But you can't hug me, can you?
784
00:35:48,572 --> 00:35:52,531
Cos you haven't got any arms.
785
00:35:52,532 --> 00:35:55,811
I can give you a hug...
786
00:35:55,812 --> 00:35:57,971
because I have got arms.
787
00:35:57,972 --> 00:36:00,011
And... and they're not just for
rowing.
788
00:36:00,012 --> 00:36:02,331
(SOBS)
789
00:36:02,332 --> 00:36:06,331
Please don't leave me!
790
00:36:06,532 --> 00:36:10,371
Please don't leave me, big guy.
791
00:36:10,372 --> 00:36:13,651
I love you!
792
00:36:13,652 --> 00:36:17,651
I'm glad I didn't come from an egg.
793
00:36:19,132 --> 00:36:21,011
I want a hug!
794
00:36:21,012 --> 00:36:25,011
(SOBS)
795
00:36:36,692 --> 00:36:38,251
Hey, hey, hey, guess what!
796
00:36:38,252 --> 00:36:39,491
What?
797
00:36:39,492 --> 00:36:40,491
I'm engaged!
798
00:36:40,492 --> 00:36:44,491
(LAUGHS)
799
00:36:44,492 --> 00:36:46,491
You're engaged?
800
00:36:46,492 --> 00:36:47,651
Who to?
801
00:36:47,652 --> 00:36:49,571
Dave.
802
00:36:49,572 --> 00:36:51,251
My lovely Dave.
803
00:36:51,252 --> 00:36:52,611
You said yes?
804
00:36:52,612 --> 00:36:54,091
To Dave?
Yep.
805
00:36:54,092 --> 00:36:56,331
Oh, isn't it brilliant, Howard?
806
00:36:56,332 --> 00:36:58,531
All relationships are doomed.
807
00:36:58,532 --> 00:37:00,611
If you emotionally undress
in front of someone,
808
00:37:00,612 --> 00:37:04,611
they will pour acid on your
shivering skin and leave you to die.
809
00:37:05,492 --> 00:37:07,731
God, isn't this just great?
810
00:37:07,732 --> 00:37:10,691
I propose a toast.
Yay, a toast!
811
00:37:10,692 --> 00:37:13,131
To you and your incredibly
short-lived marriage.
812
00:37:13,132 --> 00:37:16,171
May your second marriage
be longer and happier.
813
00:37:16,172 --> 00:37:20,051
I bid you good night.
814
00:37:20,052 --> 00:37:21,771
Right.
815
00:37:21,772 --> 00:37:22,891
Well...
816
00:37:22,892 --> 00:37:24,771
that's you off the invite list, then.
817
00:37:24,772 --> 00:37:27,571
Good. I wouldn't want to
watch you weeping through
the whole ceremony anyway.
818
00:37:27,572 --> 00:37:29,691
I will be weeping - weeping with joy.
819
00:37:29,692 --> 00:37:32,011
Only if Dave gets hit by a bus
on the way to the church.
820
00:37:32,012 --> 00:37:34,011
You are a total dick!
821
00:37:34,012 --> 00:37:35,131
Better to be a total dick
than to marry one.
822
00:37:35,132 --> 00:37:39,131
More cava?
Why not?
823
00:37:44,892 --> 00:37:47,411
♪ Come down off your throne
824
00:37:47,412 --> 00:37:51,411
♪ And leave your body alone
825
00:37:51,532 --> 00:37:55,531
♪ Somebody must change
826
00:37:56,532 --> 00:38:00,531
♪ You are the reason
I've been waiting so long
827
00:38:02,612 --> 00:38:06,611
♪ Somebody holds the key
828
00:38:06,892 --> 00:38:09,571
♪ Well, I'm near the end
829
00:38:09,572 --> 00:38:13,571
♪ I just ain't got the time... ♪
Mum?
830
00:38:14,492 --> 00:38:18,491
♪ And I'm wasted
and I can't find my way... ♪
831
00:38:19,292 --> 00:38:22,531
So... this is a bit awkward.
832
00:38:22,532 --> 00:38:24,731
How d'you mean?
833
00:38:24,732 --> 00:38:27,851
"Oh, hi, JP's mum.
Really nice to meet you.
834
00:38:27,852 --> 00:38:30,211
"Sorry about your husband
just having died and everything."
835
00:38:30,212 --> 00:38:32,571
Yeah, that is a bit...
"Oh, by the way,
836
00:38:32,572 --> 00:38:35,251
"your son's coming down
from an acid trip, so don't panic
837
00:38:35,252 --> 00:38:36,691
"if he starts talking about being
able
838
00:38:36,692 --> 00:38:38,371
"to see your dead husband
standing behind you,
839
00:38:38,372 --> 00:38:40,251
"doing pottery
like a posh Patrick Swayze."
840
00:38:40,252 --> 00:38:41,731
Yeah, let's not...
841
00:38:41,732 --> 00:38:44,371
"Oh, and we're his housemates.
I'm Vod.
842
00:38:44,372 --> 00:38:46,571
"Just got out the hospital
after a drugs overdose,
843
00:38:46,572 --> 00:38:48,731
"and this is Oregon, although
her name's actually Melissa,
844
00:38:48,732 --> 00:38:52,731
"and she's a compulsive liar
who has a horse."
845
00:38:54,012 --> 00:38:58,011
Hada horse.
846
00:39:00,692 --> 00:39:04,691
(SNIFFS)
I'm sorry, Oregon.
847
00:39:07,292 --> 00:39:11,291
That's nice.
848
00:39:12,452 --> 00:39:16,451
Oh, Vod!
849
00:39:17,812 --> 00:39:20,371
JP's mum looks nice.
850
00:39:20,372 --> 00:39:22,371
Hey, maybe she's got a spare horse
she can give you.
851
00:39:22,372 --> 00:39:24,971
Do you want me to go and ask her
if she's got a horse?
852
00:39:24,972 --> 00:39:27,891
No!
853
00:39:27,892 --> 00:39:30,291
Yeah, I know. I was joking.
854
00:39:30,292 --> 00:39:33,611
I know.
855
00:39:33,612 --> 00:39:37,611
(SOBS)
I know.
60359
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