All language subtitles for Weekend.at.the.End.of.the.World.2025.1080p.WEB.DL.DDP5.1.x264.TheMrG

-[eerie percussive music]
-[soft chanting]

[tree creaking]

[shrieking]

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

[music continues on stereo]

I really fucked up.

Yeah, you did.
But it's gonna be okay.

How is it gonna be okay?

Heads up. Gummy bears!

-[Miles] Dude,
put the phone down.
-What if she calls?

Well, then it'll ring
like a phone
and you can answer it.

I just gotta talk to her.
If I could talk to her--

No. You need to get ready

for the best buds weekend.

Ooh, we could play Fart Cops.

Buddy, after this weekend,
you're gonna be a new man.

-Maybe even a rich one.
-Why's that, Miles?

You gonna drug me
and sell off my organs?

No.

The cabin, it's mine now.

Your grandma gave you her cabin?

Sorta. She died.

Oh, shit.

-Miles, I'm, I'm so sorry, man.
-Why?

Do you have any idea
how good the real estate
market is right now?

I meant
about your grandma dying.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Yeah, it was sup-- super sad.

Although, honestly,
towards the end,
it was getting pretty gross.

I'm gonna fix up
this cabin and sell it
for a metric shit ton of cash.

'Course. I don't think we are
leaving town for my sake.

We are leaving town
for your sake.

We're gonna get you
over Jessica

and get
my property tycoonism going.

-It's a win-win. High five!
-Are you listening to me--

-[cell phone vibrating]
-Oh, can you see
who that is?

-It's from a thread
called "college bros unite"?
-Oh, yeah.

-You don't have to look at that.
-You guys have
a thread without me?

No, it's a different group
of guys

I went to college with.

[automated voice]
Keith disliked your message,

"Hey, bros, Karl just got
dumped in epic fashion.

I know
he'd appreciate a message
of support from the boys."

-[cell phone chimes]
-Naked Mike replied,
"Karl? Dude disappears

every time he finds a girl
who can tolerate him

and I'm supposed
to drop all my shit
and be his friend again?

-Fuck Karl."
-Silly guy.

-[cell phone chimes]
-[automated voice]
"Tell Karl I just saw

the Mooman clip. Lol."

-What's Mooman?
-Holy shit, it worked.

This is big.

[upbeat music]

'Sup, everybody?
Mooman here, coming to you
live from the Internet.

If you haven't subscribed,
subscribe!

Quick shout-out to our sponsors,

Mom Hack!
Security for moms by moms.

Every episode,
we do is "Loser of the Week."

-Last week's loser, gone.
-[horn honks]

The guy who got
pooped on from the drone...
[mimics slashing]

And this loser is the biggest
loser I've ever seen.

If I saw this guy in the street,
I'd be, like, "Oh, my God,

you drove here
in the loser mobile,

you sleep in the loser bed,
you fly in the loser plane."

[laughs] Play the clip.

I just broke into
my girlfriend's apartment.

I know. [laughs]
But for good reason.

Um, I'm gonna propose.

So, uh, I'm thinking we'll play
this on our 25th anniversary.

So, babe, we're watchin'.

This is the moment
you said yes
and our lives changed forever.

[chuckles]

-Jessica, would you like to--
-[screams] Oh, my--

-Karl, are you okay?
-[groaning] No.

What, what are you doing here?

I came to propose.

Propose? We've only been
dating for six months!

-We haven't even talked
about being exclusive!
-You wanna be--

Miles! Are you filming this?
Turn it off! Turn it off!

[laughs]

That's not happening for you.
Some people just die alone.

That's the way
God intended. Sorry.

-So, I love you guys.
Thank you for subscribing.
-Pull over.

-See you next...
-Pull over!

[birds twittering]

[Karl groaning]

[sobs]

You mad?

You should be stoked.

Mooman has, like,
a billion followers.

Girls are gonna be
lining up around the block
to bang the guy from the video.

Oh, great. I get
sympathy sex from every freak
on the Internet.

-[groans]
-Yes. Exactly.
That sounds awesome to me.

Dude... [sighs] you gotta
just learn to accept
what's going on here, pal.

You gotta go
with the flow, like...

...like dirt in the wind.

[Karl]
Oh.

[spits]

Oh, man.

I really thought
she was gonna say yes.

Really? 'Cause
I would have been shocked.

What? Then why did you,
why did you film it?

Well, if she did say yes,
wouldn't you have
wanted a video of it?

I mean, fine, I guess.
I don't, I don't, I don't know.

But you didn't have to send it
to that Swedish cow.
I looked like an asshole.

All right. Look, that's fair.
And, honestly, my bad.

But I still say, all that did
was make the old Karl
look like an asshole,

paving the way
for your reinvention.

[scoffs] I don't
wanna be reinvented.

All right, look. Truth bomb.
I knew this was coming,

-and I knew
it was gonna be tough.
-Yeah, you knew. Right.

Yeah. Meemaw told me.

In my dreams, obviously.

She said you'd need my help,
and here we are.

I mean, your dad's dead.
Don't you ever dream about him?

I mean, sorta, I guess. I...

The other night,
I dreamed that
he and I were planting goats.

Yeah. See? Exactly.
It's the exact same thing.

Look, you're being reborn,
and I'm the doula
who's here to deliver you.

Let me ask you this.

If you could have anything
in the world, what would it be?

I don't know, man.

In a couple of months,

when I'm super rich

and I write you a blank check,

what are you gonna do?

[Karl sighs]

Uh, I did have this one idea.

Ah, amazing. Yes!
All right. What's it called?

It's called Kid Score.

A modern and exciting way
to rate children.

-For teach--
No, like, for teachers.
-Oh, for teach--

Yeah. Thank God
it's for teachers.

Um, it's dumb, dude.
You think it's dumb.

No, no, no,
it's not dumb. It's--

I-- You're a substitute teacher.

If you think it's a good idea,
then it's a good idea.

-I really do think
it's a good idea.
-I do too.

I just think you should
workshop the name a little bit.

Yeah, and you know what?

-Fuck Mooman, you know?
-Yes.

Like, so what if
he got millions of views?

Like, we don't know
where those views are from.

Maybe they're all in Sweden,

and no one in the US
has even seen it, right?

Like, that's possible.
Like, maybe, maybe I'm,

I'm fine. Right?
Maybe I'm, I'm totally fine.

-Yeah, dude.
Guaranteed. Nobody's seen--
-[man] Holy shit.

-It's the loser from the Mooman.
-[camera clicks]

[chuckles]

[slurping drink]

I feel like he probably
just moved here from Sweden

-and is the only one who--
-Can we just,
can we just go? Can we just--

-can we please just go? [sighs]
-Yeah.

You know what?
You're gonna be all right.

Let's get that sweet ass
in shotgun,

'cause we're
pretty much almost there.

[dramatic sting]

[car approaching]

[bird cawing]

[door opens]

[birds chirping]

[sighs]

Hey, put that shit away
and look around.

[Miles sighs]

[foreboding music]

[eerie chanting]

[chanting along]

Meemaw and I used to jam out
to that song all the time.

-That's not a song.
-Well, not yet, but you gotta
wait for the chorus to kick in.

[creepy wailing]

Hey! Miles, hi! [chuckles] Hey!

God damn it. I didn't think
he was gonna be up here.

-Your neighbor?
-Yeah. Hank.

He's a total weirdo.
Like, what's he doing up there?

-Hey!
-He looks like
he's enjoying his tea.

[laughs] Right?
You can totally ignore him.

Hey, if you guys are hungry,
uh, I'll swing by later
with some of my famous eggs.

They can't be
famous, right, Hank?
'Cause nobody knows who you are.

-Right?
-The eggs are-- Not-- I'm not
fam-- The eggs-- [laughs]

-Eggs. Unbelievable.
-Miles, get out of here.

Hey, guy-- let me know
if you need to poach the Wi-Fi.

I'm just around.

I actually-- I'm actually
not doing anything
later or tomorrow.

Okay. See ya!

Ah, shit.

-[grunts] Sorry.
-You need help?

No, no, no.
Sometimes you just gotta, like,

turn the key and then kinda,
like, thrust with a--

You know,
just, like, a very specific way.

Well, shit.

[Karl sighs]

Can you go get those?

-What? Why me?
-Not it.

-Oh, bullshit.
-I said "not it," dude.

[Karl drops bag]

[panting]

Not it? Fucking asshole.

Hey, can you
guide me or something?
I don't know where I am.

Sure.

[thuds]

-Here.
-Thank you.

-[sighs] Is this safe?
-Totally.

Just be careful,
because there's literally
no hospitals around here.

[foreboding music]

-[stick snaps]
-[animals squeaking]

Is there something down here?

Yeah, the keys.
Now, fuckin' hurry up.

-Got it.
-[animals hissing, squeaking]

[eerie music]

-[eerie whisper]
-Oh, fuck!

Oh... God.

[groans]

[footsteps]

[birds chirping, cawing]

Miles?

Jesus Christ.

-[keys jangling]
-[sighs]

[eerie music]

[switch clicks]

[clicking]

Where are the lights
in this place?

-[ominous sting]
-[gasps] Jesus!

Welcome to Meemaw's
famous cabin. [exhales]

Isn't it incredible?

If these walls could talk.

[walls creaking]

I think they just said, "Ow."

Yeah, I'll add that to the list.

This house feels very, uh...

-...burned.
-Yeah, there was
a legit fire here,

but the fire guy said
it's still a house.

Nobody's gonna buy
a half-burned house.

[scoffs] You really don't
understand real estate.

This place is pretty wild.

Yeah. It's cool, right?

Meemaw and Gramps
built this place by hand

back in the '50s,
if you can believe it.

[Karl]
It's incredible.
I can't even build a fire.

Dude, what's funny is,
Gramps died
building that fireplace.

Meemaw still finished
the place all by herself,

eight months pregnant
with my dad,

-like a boss.
-[clattering]

She raised your dad alone here?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
She lost her mind.

So, Dad had to go
live with his aunt.

Oh, man, that's so sad.

Oh, dude, you have no idea.
Her life was hella sad.

She got her shit
together, though.

And then,
by the time I was a kid,

my parents started
letting me visit

on, like, weekends and stuff.

Ah, it was the best.

We would spend hours
just roaming the forest
and drinking hot cocoa

-and finger painting.
-[eerie music]

I always tried to invite you,
but Meemaw was
just super intense

about it being just us.
Hey, check this out.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God,

what is that?
My eyes are on fire.

-My meemaw's scent.
-Oh, it's so intense.

[inhales]
Yeah, well, so was she.

Oh, my God.
Oh, it's in my mouth. [spits]

Oh, yeah,
you don't wanna swallow that.
Go clean yourself up.

You can take
the first room on the left.

Oh, my God.

Oh. This way?

[foreboding music]

[sighs]

[chuckles]

[bed creaks]

[exhales heavily]

[eerie whispering]

-Miles?
-[eerie scream]

[insects chirping]

[door creaks]

[toilet flushes]

[ominous sting]

It is time.

Fart Cops, assemble!
[mimics farting]

Do it. Do the sounds.

[sighs]

[mimics farting]

[mimics farting]

[both mimicking farting]

[mimics farting]

[both mimicking farting]

He's already dead, man!
[mock sobbing]
He's already dead!

-[mimics farting]
-[both chuckle]

Detective Butt Truman...
[mimicking farting]
reporting for duty.

-At ease. [mimics farting]
-[chuckling] All right.

-What's the plan?
-Well, tomorrow,
the hard work starts.

But tonight, we tear it up!

All right, let's do it.

[clicks tongue]

-Let's fucking go!
-[mimics farting]

[upbeat rock music]

All right.
So let's say I could
get a mil for this place.

You are fuckin' dreaming.

All right, fine. Modestly, 600K.

So I take that 600K and I start
diversifying my portfolio,

invest in some startups.

Ooh, maybe a revolutionary
child-scoring system

that I've been
hearing so much about.

-Oh, I don't know.
-No, no, no.

I want you to start
at the beginning
and really pitch me.

-Like Shark Tank style.
-Really?

Oh, yeah, definitely.
But let's do a card first.

-[sighs]
-You gotta read it out loud.

-Why?
-I don't know.
That's what it says on the box.

Come on, man. Get into it.

[both]
"The anguish
of all generations."

-Now you gotta drink.
-[rumbling]

[upbeat rock music continues]

-[exhales]
-I'm not a complicated person.
You know what I mean?

Like, all I want
is, is, like, a wife,

a couple--
just a family, you know?

-I know.
-Why is that so hard?

Hi, I'm Karl,

and after 14 years
as a substitute teacher,

I've learned that over 40%
of children are monsters.

-Making up stats. Smart.
-But what if there was
a way for me to know

who the meanest kids were
before I even
entered the classroom?

I give you Kid Score.

A modern and exciting new app
that allows teachers
to rate students' cruelty

and violent tendency
on a five-star, star system,

allowing me
to spend more time teaching
and less time being scared.

This is your pattern.

You meet a pretty girl,
you fall in love,

-and then she uses you.
-That's not true.

All right. Mandy, in college.
You wrote her senior thesis,

-and then she ditched you.
-She needed help.

And there's nothing I don't know
about Lithuanian ballet.

Lydia still has your car.

-I'm gonna ask for it back.
-[ball clatters]

Monica took your
emotional support animal.

And Laurie, you paid for her
grandfather's hospice care

while she spent six weeks
eating ass in Cancun.

-So what's the ask?
-The ask, you ask? Fuck.

I'm looking
for one lucky investor

to cover my living expenses
while I learn how to code.

-With this kind of educa--
You hate it.
-Let's do another card.

No, no, no, no, no. I could
see this being implemented
in the new fiscal year.

I just wanna do another card.

[both]
"A gateway to it all."

[eerie hum]

-[both groan]
-I think I'm allergic
to this stuff.

-Right?
I like how it tastes good.
-[wheezes]

[chuckling]

-What are you doing?
-Texting Jessica.

-Seriously?
Give it. I got bangers.
-Well, I-- Be, be cool about it.

Dude, I know
exactly what to say.

-Does "solace" have two L's?
-No.

-What?
-[knock on door]

-[knocking continues]
-Who is it?

[Hank]
It's Hank.

-I'm not here.
-I mean, you already spoke
to him. He knows you're here.

-[knocking]
-[Hank] Ding-dong, ding-dong.

Pretending you have a doorbell.
Hey!

-[chuckling] Hey.
-Hey, guys.

-Who wants eggs?
-Are these the famous eggs
I've heard so much about?

-The same. The same.
-We're, we're good, Hank.
Go home.

[chuckling]
What are you guys doing inside?
Are you playing games?

-Do you guys need a third?
-No games need a third, Hank.

All right? So we're good.
You can go away now. Thank you.

-Uh, okay, those--
-Thank you, uh, so much.
I'm sorry about that.

Oh, oh, please, please.
He is so much like Gloria.

Uh, his meemaw.
His late meemaw was, uh--

-you know,
she was a whole thing. So, uh--
-[both chuckle]

Oh... [speaks indistinctly]

Um... [clicks tongue]
those don't need anything.

-You can just rawdog 'em.
-[both chuckle]

-Yeah.
-Oh, my God. Okay.

-Awesome. Okay.
Noted. All right.
-Mm-hm. Yeah.

-Thank you. Well, uh--
All right, well, uh, good night.
-Cool.

Uh, oh, hey,
I need to talk to Miles also

-about the gophers.
It's mating season.
-Yeah. Cool. Yeah, yeah.

-Yup.
-The gophers are mating.

[whooshing]

Jessica's different.
She isn't part of some pattern.

-She didn't use me.
-Not yet.

[upbeat music]

[laughing]

I'm not drinking that.

No. Come on, dude,
those are the rules.

-Here. Tell you what,
I'll go first.
-[ball clatters]

[strains]

[slurps]

[Karl gasps softly]

[Miles groans]

-[coughs]
-[slurps, retches]

Oh, my God.
What did you put in that?

-Well, I thought you filled it.
-Oh, my God, that's so gross.

Oh, so gross.
What is that taste?

Oh, it's like a stranger's
bathwater, but it's thick.

Oh, shit. I'm gonna be sick.

[mellow rock music]

-Are you texting Jessica?
-Maybe.

Give it.

"I want you back so hard,
I'm dying.

I feel like a dolphin
without its tail, swimming--"

All right, this is trash.
You shoot, I'mma fix this.

By all means.

[chuckles]

-What are you saying?
-Shh. I'm in a flow state.

Wow.

I just said, like, you know,

"You're the worst thing
that ever happened to me.

I don't need you anymore.
You'll never see
these cheeks again."

-You know, the classics.
-That's not how I, how I feel.

Oh, dude,
you gotta play it cool.

I am cool.

"And that's why
you're a nightmare.

And I'm glad that
you are allergic to penicillin."

-[both chuckle]
-Okay.

-Send it.
-[cell phone chimes]

-Sent.
-Okay.

[both laugh]

Do you think
that she's reading it right now

-and she's, like, "Oh, no"?
-No, we don't get
service up here.

Uh, okay.

[foreboding music]

[faint chanting]

[coughs softly]

[Miles]
Let's take shots.

No, I can't do
any more Fireball.

I'll take a--
I could take a beer.

Beers, we don't have.

But there is
a liquor store in town.

-So, if you think
you can drive...
-[sighs]

-Yeah.
-Okay.

[keys jangling]

[straining] I see.

Ah. Come here, buddy. Come here.

Oh. God, no.

Karl, your feet
smell like intestines.

Hey, come here. [exhales]

We're really doing it.

You and me, we're finally
taking control of our lives.

A million percent.

[Miles sighs]

You know, this may
come as, like, a little bit
of a surprise to you, but

sometimes I feel
like the joke of my family.

That's 'cause you say so much
stupid shit all the time.

Yeah, that's what
they always say.
It's so annoying.

I'm gonna prove 'em wrong.

And I'm gonna make
my dead meemaw so proud.

[gentle music]

You and me, buddy.
We're gonna be so rich.

People are gonna line up
around the block to talk
about how rich we are, for sure.

[Karl snores]

All right. [grunts]

Sweet dreams, little guy.

You should see
a doctor about your feet.

-[Hank whistling]
-[TV chatter]

[slow suspenseful music]

[Hank continues whistling]

[soft chanting]

[bed creaks]

[snores]

Meemaw?

[Meemaw]
Hello, my little Miles.

[eerie music]

-[knocking on door]
-[Hank] Knock, knock.

Who's there? Hank.

Hank you. Hank you.
You're welcome.

Guys, I saw a purple light.
I was very worried
'cause sometimes, you know,

sometimes
that could be a gas leak...

-[eerie snarling]
-[gasps]

[Meemaw]
Are you ready?

The hard part starts now.

[yawns] I just need,
like, seven or eight more hours,

and then I will be good to go.

[Meemaw]
You have everything you need.

Mm-hm. Power nap it is.

[Meemaw in otherworldly voice]
Wake up!

[groans]

[panting]

-Did I sleep here?
-[exhales] I...

I don't remember.

-What time is it?
-Oh. Oh, God.

Oh, my God,
I feel like a dumpster.

Yeah. Alcohol...

...alcohol will cure us.
[exhales]

[Miles groaning]

[eerie music]

-[Miles groans] I think
something died in here.
-[Hank snarling]

I don't, I don't think
I can drink anymore.

[ominous sting]

[snarling]

Hank?
Who the fuck just walks into
somebody's home, you pervert?

[roaring]

[roaring]

-What the fuck is happening?
-[Miles breathing shakily]

-[growls]
-[sizzling]

[crackling]

[rumbling]

[foreboding music]

[Karl panting]

What do we do?

What do we do?
What do we do?

[whimpers]

What I should have done
a long time ago.

Kill Hank.

-[screaming]
-[confused growl]

I knew you were evil,
you corny bastard! [echoes]

[distorted] Run! Get out!

[whimpering]

[glass shatters]

[yells]

[panting]

-I told you to run!
-Just tried.

[panting]

Tah Ah Chi.

[Meemaw]
So, when the Herald of
the Allness says "Tah Ah Chi,"

that's when
it's our turn to take action.

[Young Miles]
What does "Tah Ah Chi" mean?

[Meemaw]
It's an ancient language,
sweetie,

passed down over hundreds
and hundreds of years

by heroes, just like you.

[Young Miles]
Meemaw, I need more red paint.

Thank you, Meemaw.

I remember.

This is what Meemaw
was preparing me for.

-"Preparing"?
-I know what we have to do.

There's a book, a--
and it's, it's got instructions.

-Instructions for what?
-[growls]

I'm gonna find the book.
You kill Hank.

-I'm not gonna kill Hank.
-Do it!

God damn it!

[tense music]

-I found it!
-Good job.

Now we just have to
find the right page.

Why is Hank still alive?

'Cause he's
a fucking monster, Miles!

[exhales]

[grunts softly]

Ugh, this is so boring.
There are so many words.

[Karl]
Miles, check it.

Look, he's not attacking
or anything.

-[growls softly]
-He's just, uh,

he's just kind of chill.
I mean, it's gross.

-But, yeah,
I think he's just chill.
-You gotta do the reading.

-What am I looking for?
-Anything about portals.

Okay. Whoa. This book
is pretty wild-lookin'.

Okay. Uh, okay.
Uh, concoctions of the impotent,
in-- infinity teeth,

shedding of the orphan flesh.
I'm not seeing anything
about, about portals.

[Meemaw]
Hello, my little Miles.

-I remember.
-Reptilian urges.

Uh, Gateway to the Allness?
Is that it?

Yeah.
Yeah, the Allness. That one.

Okay. Okay, okay.

I'm seeing stuff
about, uh, a Herald.

[Meemaw]
It's our turn to take action.

[Karl]
Possessed facilitator.

Uh, when the Herald utters
the phrase, "Ta Ah Chi--"

Oh, that's how you spell that.

[speaking other language]

[speaking English] Uh, Miles?
Uh, I don't, I don't think

Hank wants you to be doing
whatever it is you're doing.

[growling]

What are you doing?

-[speaking other language]
-[zaps]

[eerie music]

[grunting]

-[speaking other language]
-[Meemaw grunts]

[speaking English]
What the fuck?

[foreboding music]

[bones cracking]

[both screaming]

[Karl]
I wanna go home!

-[Meemaw grunting, gasping]
-[flies buzzing]

[both screaming]

Boys, boys, stop.
Stop screaming. Shut up!

Miles.

Miles, my boy.

It's me. It's your meemaw.

Where is your face?

Oh, I...

...I, I don't know.

Did someone disturb my ashes?

A-- ashes?

Uh, your ashes?
It's hard to say for sure. Um...

-Karl, did you
disturb her ashes?
-[Meemaw] Where's Karl?

I'm... [clears throat]
I'm here. Hi. [gasps]

It is so lovely to meet you.

-[flies buzzing]
-Um, you have a lovely home.

I have so much
I have to tell you.

-I was so close to defeating--
-Meemaw, I gotta stop you there.

I am not listening
to you at all. It is...

You look like a haunted hot dog.

You look like Gandalf's stick.

[sighs]

[squeaking]

Eyebrows were a good call.

-There's my girl.
-Oh. Time for cocoa.

[kettle whistling]

[Miles]
Meemaw, are you sure
you don't need any help?

No. I'll, I'll be fine.

-Be back in a jiffy.
-[squishing]

Dude, are you all right?
You are destroying that egg.

I eat when I'm nervous.
This is a phenomenal egg.

-[whispering] What's going on?
-Meemaw's about to tell us.

-Why are you nervous?
-Oh, I don't know, Miles.

Maybe it's 'cause your meemaw
just appeared out of blood
and force-pushed your neighbor.

What the fuck? Here she comes!

-Okay.
-[Miles] Oh, my God. Great.

Oh, how-- Yeah.
Okay, we can-- Ah!

-Oh. Oh, dear. What happened?
-Karl spilled all over himself.

-I spilled all over myself.
-[Meemaw] Oh, no.

No, no, no. Meemaw,
that's okay, 'cause I have mine,
and it is delicious.

Aw. Well, aren't you boys sweet.

Yeah, we're so sweet.

Meemaw, we were wondering,

um... what's going on?

Well, when you
strapping young men
opened that portal, you freed me

-from a nasty place that
that demon had me trapped in.
-[flies buzzing]

-[hissing]
-[Miles] I knew he sucked.

I always said,
I always said, "Fuck him!"

-That's what I said.
-Language.

Sorry.

Well, boys,

through that portal

is the gateway through which

all darkness has
entered our world.

-You mean, like, nighttime?
-[Hank snarling]

No, sweetheart.
Metaphorical darkness.

She means, like, war, greed.
Stuff like that.

-[Meemaw] That's right.
-That's right.

I studied ancient spells

to try to find a way to stop
the darkness from getting in.

We don't want a bunch
of darkness getting in
all over the place, now, do we?

Well, the demons
didn't like that one bit,

and so they killed me
and took my soul.

-How?
-Well, through there
is the Allness.

The realm between realities.

You, you mean, like,
like, multiple dimensions?

Imagine that each
of these things
is a reality unto itself.

A world like ours.

All these dimensions
exist at the same time,

but the Allness
is the table itself.

And just like the rot
in this table's wood,

there is a darkness
that is hungry.

And it's trying
to gobble everything up.

So I need to finish
what I started.

Close that gateway,
stop the rot. [slams table]

Make you boys
some delicious beet soup.

[chuckles nervously]
Beet soup does sound good.

Um, but, uh,
how do you close the portal?

Well, the first thing
we need to do is to bring me
back to my full form.

Will you get your face back?

Yes.

-Oh, thank God.
-That's a relief.

It's going to be extremely
difficult and dangerous.

You see, I require lifeblood.

All right.

I'm going to enter the Allness.

[object clatters]

Help, help her.

I-- She doesn't want me-- Okay.

Meemaw, come here. Meemaw.

-[Meemaw] Where is it?
-[Miles] Come here. Come here.

[foreboding music]

-Are you sure you can do this?
-[sighs] I'll be fine.

[retching, vomiting]

Why don't you let Karl and I go?

We're young and super fit.
Send us.

-No, sweetheart.
-[flies buzzing]

It's too dangerous.

We can help.

-[zaps]
-[groaning]

Oh! I'm so sorry.

You two
will have to go in there.

You two
will have to save the world.

-[softly] No.
-[softly] Yes.

-I'm not gonna do it.
-No, we have to do it.
It's two against one.

-It's two against one.
-[Meemaw] I'll make you
sandwiches.

Are you okay?
Make me sandwiches.
I'm not gonna go.

Take these
for when you get hungry.

Ah, crusts. God damn it.

I wish I had more time
to get you boys up to speed.

-You got nothing to worry about.
We're gonna nail this.
-Well, I'm--

I, I would love to be
brought up to speed, personally.

Listen carefully,
because we are running
out of time as it is.

Once you go through there,

you're going to need to carry
Riker's Goblet of Lifeblood

to the Cave of Osiris.

And once you offer up
that blood, a glass
of lupus will materialize.

Consider it done.

I, I didn't follow
a word of that.

Hank will guide you.
I-- I'll send him through
with my knowledge.

-Oh, Hank? What?
No. No way.
-[snarling]

You will not
make it without him.

[Miles sighs]

-But he's oozy.
-[snarls]

Well, I can fix that.

[soft warbling]

Oh, my God! [screaming]

Help, help, help!
[speaking other language]

[speaking English]
No, that's worse.
Can you just make him,

-like, halfway?
-[Hank yelling]

[yelling stops, growls]

[growls]

That's right, Hank.

-Nice.
-It will have to do.

When you boys
opened that portal,
it started a chain reaction.

-[snarls softly]
-And if we don't act fast,
well, we all die.

Uh, whoa, whoa!
Just a question. Just,
just a question, real quick.

Uh, why don't we just send Hank?

Oh, I'm afraid
it will take all three of you
to complete the task.

Once you go through there,
the world will begin
to play tricks on your mind.

And you will have to rely on
each other to complete the task.

-You got nothing
to worry about. We got this.
-[Hank growls]

Uh, just, just,
just one more, one more.

-Um, just one more question.
-Yes, Karl.

Um, you're sure it's safe?

-Mm, no.
No, it's very dangerous.
-Right.

Hank, if you please?

-Okay. But now
what I'm wondering is--
-[Hank snarls]

-No, no, no, no. Just one more,
one more, one more.
-Bye.

Just one more question.
It's so important.

It'd be good. [stammering]
One more question.

-This is your cosmic purpose.
-[Hank snarls]

-You two are
going to save the world.
-Are you ready?

-No.
-[Hank snarling]

-Have fun.
- [Karl stutters] No, no!
Wait, wait, wait!

[whooshes]

[dramatic music]

[both groaning, echoing]

-God. What is that smell?
-Oh, my God, it's like butter

-and athlete's foot. Ugh.
-Oh.

-[screams]
-Oh, Jesus. Jesus. Hank.

[Hank panting, snarling]

-What the fuck is that?
-[Hank growls]

[Miles moans]

-I mean, does it think
we can't see it?
-[Hank growls]

-Quittle. Quittle.
-"Quittle"?

It's nice.

But scared.

Go in you.

-"In you"?
-Up here!

It's scared,
and it goes inside you.

And it hurts.

[grunts]

-[Miles] Oh, it looks nervous.
-[Hank snarls]

-[moaning]
-[ominous sting]

[laughs] Hello, Q.

-Oh, dear God.
-The fuck?

[Hank]
It's Q.

-[chuckles, screams]
-Whoa!

[squelching]

So, is that
the lupus thing or...

Yeah, that's clearly
the Goblet of Blood.

Sorry, man.
Honestly, this is all just,
like, catching up to me.

-I mean, Meemaw,
and the portal, and that thing?
-[Hank snarling]

-Is it checking its pockets?
-[Karl] Yeah, I don't know
what it's doing.

Okay, but look, you're the one
who dragged us to a portal.
Okay? So, we're here.

Let's just, uh, grab
this thing of blood and take it
to the cave or whatever.

All right.
You know what? You're right.

We got ourselves into this,
and we're gonna
get ourselves out.

All right, but, uh,

where, where, uh,
where, where do we take it?

[Hank continues snarling]

Oh, I mean, that's gotta be it.

[foreboding music]

Shit. Yeah.

If I was a realm maker,
I'd choose that for sure.

-Uh, Hank?
-[grunts]

You run far, far ahead.

[screams]

Check for danger!

Oh, hey.

Well, you clearly
hurt his feelings, man.

-Let's just go.
-All right.

Okay, here we go. Ready?

One, two.

-Oh, my God.
-Oh, shit.

Sorry, dude.
I thought we were going on two.

Can't imagine why, dude.

Let's do the normal three, okay?

All right, here we go.

One, two, three.

-Oh. Like that.
-Oh. Just like that.

[both laugh]

[Miles]
All right. So, where are we
taking this thing?

[Karl]
The Cave of Osiris.
That's where we offer it.

[Miles]
Oh, right. And then
we get to sell the cabin.

[Karl]
No. Then Meemaw
goes back to her full form.

See, this is why I didn't
want to jump into the portal.

Because I knew
you weren't listening.

[ominous music]

[both singing indistinctly]

[Miles rapping]
♪ Hot rocks in my pocket
And plugs in the socket ♪

♪ I take lives for fun
'Cause my daddy's a bully ♪

♪ But my mom has a gun ♪

Hey, Kayla. Where are you at--

Ugh. Down.

Are you serious?

We're in a world-saving mission
in a parallel dimension,

-and you're messaging Jessica?
-Yes. Okay?

We're doing all this crazy,
life-changing shit,
and all I can think about

is Jessica.
I love her, man. I...

And I just keep thinking,
like, what, what's the point
of all this if I don't have her?

Like, what, what am I,
what am I doing this for?

Do it for you.

You're fulfilling
your cosmic purpose.

You're allowed to be excited
about your life, you know?

Well, I'm not, okay? I just...

[breathes heavily]

I don't wanna be alone.

Oh, you don't wanna be alone?

Nobody wants to be alone.
I'm alone.

You think I love that? I don't.

But I'd rather be alone
than with someone
who doesn't love me.

[birds chirping]

[wind howling softly]

[sighs]

You're my best friend.

-And I have really good taste.
-[snickers]

You're gonna be okay.
You just, you just gotta...
[sighs]

-you just gotta crush
those high notes.
-[snickers]

All right? Come on.
Let's take it from the chorus.

-[Karl] Okay.
-And remember, we're only
as good as our harmony.

-[Karl] All right.
-[Miles clears throat]

[both]
♪ Gangster boys in the hallway ♪

-That's nice.
That felt really good.
-That's not nothing.

That's not nothing.

[Hank screams]

Damn it, Hank.
I told you to go far, far ahead.

[growls]

Ha!

[Hank snarling]

-[splashes]
-[eerie screams]

[Hank continues snarling]

-I say we just go through it.
-That's a really stupid idea.

What if we go fast,
like it's hot coals?

Oh, 'cause it's liquid
and we'll fall through

and it'll kill us.

No, we, uh,
we gotta go over it.

-Karl's right.
-I don't give a shit
what you think, Hank!

-[splashes]
-[eerie screams]

-[Hank snarling]
-Yeah, we gotta go over it.

[slow suspenseful music]

[squeaking]

Oh! [laughs]

Karl!

[grunts]

Down.

Whoo. You saved my life.

-We did lose a lot of blood.
-[exhales]

You're welcome.

Let's just, um,
let's just keep going.

[snarls softly]

Fall. Fall, you idiot!

Ha.

-[screams]
-Dude.

[soft warbling]

Are you feeling, um...

-...s... [voice distorts]
super high?
-I don't think so.

-[voice speaking distortedly]
-What's that? Oh. Thank you.

-[warbling]
-[slurping]

Yes.

-Yes, I am.
-[distorted voice] That's good.

[both laughing]

[Hank snarling]

Oh, oh.
Oh! Miles, hey, hey.

This is what Meemaw
was telling us about.
We gotta keep going.

Now, that is a stupid idea.

-No. Hey, we gotta go.
-[claps]

Okay. Yeah.
You're right, we gotta go.

Um, can I just say goodbye
real quick, though?

Oh, yeah. Of course.

-[high-pitched] Bye.
-[mouse chittering]

[softly] Doing it.

-[Hank snarling]
-Okay. Let's go.

-[Karl grunts]
-[Miles] Uh, ready? Okay.
We're going. All right.

One, two. Yep. We got it.
Watch out for the rainbow.

-Yeah. No, I, I see it.
-[tinkling]

[foreboding music]

[phone ringing]

[Miles]
I'm so tired.
Can we just go home?

[Karl]
Little late for that, bud.

[birds chirping]

[chittering]

[insects trilling]

[footsteps]

[Karl scatting]

[whizzes]

[distant growling]

[distant bellowing]

Down. Down, down, down, down.

[groaning]

We passed this stump already.

We're lost.

-[breathes heavily]
-We're lost. I knew it.

I knew this was gonna happen.

I knew I was gonna fuck up
everything like I always do.

Meemaw's gonna
be disappointed in me.

-We're gonna kill--
-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Look.

[voice distorting] We've never
done anything like this
before, right?

We're not gonna
fuck everything up.

We're gonna save the day.

Your skin is crazy.

[gasps]

[Hank screams]

-Hey.
-Go away, Hank.

Wait. Why do you do that?

Why do you talk
to him like that?

'Cause, I...
I mean, look at him.

-[Hank snarls]
-Well, yeah,
but he clearly found the cave.

Like, he's doing a good job.
In fact, you know what?

I think you should say,
"Hey, good job."

I will not say, "Hey, good job."

You should say, "Hey, good job."

You should give him
a big old thumbs up.

Come on.

-Come on.
-Hank.

[snarls]

[laughing]
Look how happy that made him!

Yeah!

-[rumbling]
-[Karl] Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Come on.
We gotta go. We gotta go.

[dramatic music]

[snarling]

There's more of them.

[moaning]

Maybe they're not bad.

-[screams]
-Okay, they're bad.

-Okay, let's keep going. Okay.
-[Miles shushing]

-[Hank snarling]
-[Karl] Okay, okay.
Thank you, Hank. Sorry, Hank.

-[Miles shushing]
-[Karl] You're okay, baby.
You're okay.

-[screams]
-[Hank snarling]

-[Miles] Just don't look back.
Just don't look back.
-[Karl] I don't want a Quittle

in my ass. No, I gotta
look back so I don't get
a Quittle in my ass.

[Miles]
Stop saying it,
and it won't happen.

[Karl]
Okay, can we just put it down?
This has gotta be good.

-Pretty good.
-Are we good? Okay.

Okay, okay. [laughs]

-We made it!
-[laughing] Yeah!

-What do we do now?
-Uh, uh, uh, uh, offer it.

-Uh, how?
-I don't know, man.

Your meemaw's instruction
sucked ass.

We are here
to trade blood for time.

[liquid dripping]

-Okay. We offered.
It was our fucking time!
-We're gonna die.

[Quittle yelling]

-[Hank snarling]
-[Quittle screeching]

Just let them in, Hank.

-God damn it!
-[clangs]

[warbling]

That's it. That's it.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, yeah.

-[grunts]
-[laughs]

[Karl panting]

Why are we still here?

'Cause you got all
loosey-goosey with the blood
and spilled it on your clothes.

-That's not how it happened.
-Yes, it is.
We gotta wring it out.

Come on. We gotta wring it out.

God damn it!

[Hank snarling]

[Quittle grunts]

Karl, you really
let yourself go.

Please don't make me feel
self-conscious right now.

Whatever, dad-bod.
Let's get squeezing.

[suspenseful dramatic music]

We're out of blood.

[rumbling]

[dramatic music]

[Karl sobbing]

Drink, you son of a bitch!

[echoing]

[high-pitched whining,
crackling]

[rumbling]

We fuckin' nailed it!

Let's go!

-Let's go!
-[yells]

-[both laughing]
-[Hank growls]

[both]
Hank!

-[creaking]
-Good job.

[suspenseful music]

Oh, no. We're too late.

[Meemaw screaming]

-[gasps]
-[thuds]

Meemaw, are you okay?

No. Sweetie, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Your face is back,

and you're objectively...
younger.

Oh, you did it.
Miles, you did it!

-Did we travel through time?
-No.

Sweetie, you helped me
get my strength back.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

You know, Karl helped.

-Yeah. Uh, happy to help.
-Thank you, Karl.

-Uh, how are, how are,
how are you feeling?
-Oh, much, much better.

Uh, Meemaw.
You, Meemaw, you don't
happen to have any, like, uh,

like, an extra--
like, some clothes
lying around or anything?

Oh, of course.
Um, there's a, there's a box of
extra clothes in the guest room.

Why don't you go
help him, sweetie?

I'll, uh, I'll see if I can
get you boys some soda pops.

I love soda, I love soda pop.

-[Meemaw] Hank?
-[snarls]

[exhales]

-Isn't this awesome?
-Yeah.

-What?
-[quietly] This feels bad.

What do you mean?

I mean, your meemaw
just floated in the air

-and roared like a demon. And--
-And what?

[quietly]
She's, like, crazy hot now.

Oh, God damn it.

Oh, God damn it.
Dude, you wanna fuck my meemaw?

-No.
-Yes, you do. I can tell.

-She probably
wouldn't even be down.
-Yeah,

but you would.
And that's the problem.

[grunts] I swear to God,
if you tried to fuck my meemaw!

-That's not
even the point. Okay.
-Promise me.

-Promise me you won't try
and fuck my meemaw!
-Okay, dude!

Okay. I'm just saying
the shit was weird.

-All right? Relax.
-No, you relax.

Can you please get me
some clothes? I don't wanna
stand around here naked

-with you anymore.
-Yeah, 'cause you'd rather
be standing here naked

anymore with Meemaw.

Here, clothes.

You know, after all that sweet
old lady has been through,

the last thing she needs
is some dork like you
drooling over her

while she saves the world
from literal evil!

She's, like, 90, dude.

I'm very disappointed in you.

[Karl grunts]

[owl hooting]

[suspenseful music]

Oh. Very handsome, Karl.

Oh, I didn't realize
how filthy you are.

Tsk. Let's get you upstairs
in a bath right away.

-If you think
that's necessary--
-Oh, sweet baby.

Oh. Look at you.
You've got blood all over you.

-There's not even
that much blood on me.
-I won't hear any of it.

Upstairs, right this instant.
Come on.

Hey, you be sure
to let us know if another portal
opens up, all right?

You got it, Meems.
[clicks tongue, chuckles]

[whispering] What?

-[sighs]
-[Hank exhales]

Oh. No, no, thank you.

No, no. Thank you.
That's very nice, though, Hank.

Thank you. But, no, no, thanks.

[Hank breathing harshly]

[Karl clears throat]

Meemaw, am I right?

[continues breathing harshly]

-Yeah, she's crazy hot.
-[whimpers]

[water splashing]

Oh, my brave boy.

I am so very proud of you.

I'm having a blast.

My meemaw's not dead anymore.

Saving humanity
with my best bud.

Oh, I'm glad
you're having fun, sweetie.

You just be sure
to keep an eye on him.

What do you mean?

Stand up.

Hey.

I may look younger,
but I'm still your meemaw.

Come on. Up, up.

And, like, I get it, you know?
Like, six months
is, is very quick.

-But, like, when
you know, you know. Right?
-[groans]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Hey, you're
a really great listener.

[snarls]

Enough about me, though.
Uh, tell me about-- little bit--

Why don't we learn a bit
about Hank, you know.

Uh, do you like being a demon?

[groaning]

-[Miles] There's something
you should know about Karl.
-Hm.

He, he pretty much falls in love
with every pretty girl
that will talk to him.

-So, sorry--
-Oh, honey, I'm not
worried about that.

But we do have a lot
of work still ahead of us.

And if the Allness
can corrupt Karl,

then he could be used
to stop us.

No. N-- no, Karl's like family.

Okay, well, he may be
like family, but he isn't blood.

Do you think,
do you think you'll ever
go back to being old Hank?

[groaning]

Well, in the meantime,
you know, as long as
there's two of you in there,

you can take the carpool lane
all by yourself. [laughs]

-[screams]
-Whoa. [laughs]

Yeah. Oh, hey, oh.

-[both screaming]
-[Karl laughs]

I just worry that
he doesn't have what it takes.

Do I?

Look at me.

-Ow!
-It was your blood
that brought me back.

We are separate, yet we are one.

And I know
you have what it takes.

Because you are me and I am you.

-[water splashing]
-Spread 'em.

There we go.

Um, okay.

Hey. Oh, hey, I got a question.

-Uh, why do you
wanna destroy the world?
-[snarling]

-[groaning]
-You don't?

Why-- then why did,
why did you open the portal?

-[growling]
-You didn't?

Well, who, who, who did?

Hank?
Not bothering Karl, are you?

Oh, no. Um, no, just, just
a couple of boys, just talkin'.

-[Hank snarls, wheezes]
-No one's bothering anyone.

Good.

Why don't you
go into the kitchen,
see if you can find us a snack?

Go ahead.

-[Karl clears throat]
-[Meemaw] Thank you.

-[snickers]
-[Meemaw chuckles softly]

Uh, where's Miles?

-Oh, he's just getting ready.
-For what?

Actually, I'm glad that we
have a moment alone together.

Yeah. Uh, totally.
Yeah, me too.

I just wanna say thank you.

You've been such
a good friend to Miles,

and I can tell that you boys
really love each other.

Yeah, well,

I am a lover. [laughs]

But I can also tell
that you, you don't trust me.

No. Uh--

It's okay.
I mean, I understand.

The floating in the air,
portals opening up.

End of the world.
It can be a lot to take in.

Yeah, I guess.

The fact is that
it's, it's all very real.

And we can't fail.

I need your help.

Yeah. No, I, um,
I, I really would love to help.

Good.

It's just that, uh, Hank, um,
seemed to indicate,
uh, that, um,

that he, he didn't
o-- open the portal.

That's because he didn't. I did.

Well... [chuckles nervously]
that, that kind of feels
like, you, you lied to us.

-[footsteps descending stairs]
-It's complicated.

Okay.
But l-- lying isn't gonna make--

Who's ready
to bitch-slap the apocalypse?

Oh. Doesn't he look handsome?

Totally. Like a dapper
child molester.

[Meemaw]
Gosh!

[Hank growls]

Oh, useless.
Just go sit down.

Ooh, Hank got in trouble.

Hey, no. Leave Hank alone.

Hey, I think you did
a great job, bud. Okay?

Let's take a look
what you made, all right? Okay.

A stick of butter.
That's just smart cooking.

[chuckles] And a, a bird.
That's a bird.

-Did you-- Was that a choice,
you put the bird in there?
-[snarls]

Yeah, sure.
Then the power cord, you know.

-Give me a restaurant
with some--
-[whooshing]

It's here sooner than I thought.
Okay, listen to me
very carefully.

-Shh. Listen to her
very carefully.
-Thank you, Miles.

Okay, I need you
to go back into the portal.

But this time, you will
be going into the rot.

-Fuck that.
-Dude, chill.

We don't have any more options,
all right? I need you

-to bring me the blade.
-[chuckles] The blade?

You know what?
Why are you sending us?

You're the undead ghost witch.
Why don't you just go?

It's precisely
because I'm not fully alive
that I need you to go.

Okay, you know what? I'm sorry.
Dude, I know she's your grandma,
and she's hot now,

-but this doesn't
make any sense.
-Will you get with the program?

We are literally
saving the world.

Your meemaw just told me
that she opened the portal.

-So, why did she lie to us?
-[Meemaw] Miles.

-Remember the plan?
-I'm s--

Um, the plan?
You guys made a plan in there?

No, it's still
the original plan.

There was an original plan?

You knew about this.

-Which part?
-Any of it.

[Miles sucks teeth]

I mean...
y-- yeah, well, sort of.

Look. Look, Meemaw said
that I couldn't sell the cabin

until I brought you up here,
and we played the cards,

and we drunk out of the skull,
and then I opened the portal,

and we brought her back to life,
and we did the drinking games--

Okay, okay.
So, the-- Every step of the way
of the best buds weekend,

you've been manipulating me.
You've been lying to me.

Miles, we almost died.

-We were never really gonna die.
-And, and when,
when did it start?

-Did it start with Jessica?
Did you sabotage my proposal?
-No. No way.

All so you could sell
this goddamned house.

I did not sabotage
your proposal with Jessica.
I would never do that, ever.

I did do
all the other stuff, though.

But, look,
it doesn't matter, okay?

I used to think
that my destiny

was to be
a millionaire investor.

But I was wrong, okay?

Our cosmic purpose
is to save the world.

And then sell this place
for a shit ton of cash
before the bubble bursts.

-Come on, man.
We can have it all.
-So you used me, right?

Just like every ex of mine
that you talk shit about.

You selfish hypocrite.

Boys, the portal.
We have to act now.

Dude, I'm sorry, okay?
We have to do this.

-We're heroes. It's all gonna
work out, you'll see.
-Oh, for you, yeah, sure.

And then afterwards,
you'll just use me for
whatever it is you want next.

Oh, my God,
you're living in the past.

And you're living
in a fucking fantasy!

Your meemaw
is hiding something.

Dude, stop making this
about Meemaw, okay?

This is about you and me.

All right?
Are you coming with me?

I am not going
into the heart of evil

without getting
some answers first.

Well, I'm going.

[suspenseful music]

Fuck it.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

Where'd he go?

Where'd he go? Open it up.

-[sighs]
-Open it up.
I wanna go with him.

It's too late.

You had your chance.
You didn't act.

Now all we can do is hope that
he makes it back in one piece.

Miles said you were different.

Turns out
you're just like everyone else.

Very disappointing.

Look, I'm very sorry
to disappoint you, okay, Meemaw?

But if you just tell me
what's going on, you know,

maybe, maybe I can be helpful.

Look, I know you don't
trust easily, okay?

Miles told me that you've been
through some dark stuff.

[laughs] Dark stuff.

I suppose you could say that.

I was tortured
from the moment I was born.

My father would
hit me for sport, but

my mother made sure
I knew she would beat me

because she hated me.

The way she looked at me.

I learned from a very young age
to protect myself and to do so
by any means necessary.

So I suppose, for that, I should
be forever grateful to them.

You know,
when my childhood home burned,

I didn't experience joy.

[screaming]

Or even relief.

[screams]

No.

When the screaming
gradually faded,

the only thing I felt
was clarity.

Clarity that the only way
to stop the suffering

was to destroy the source.

[slow suspenseful music]

So I suppose you think
that's all pretty dark?

Yeah. Yeah. Very.

But, I mean,
there must have been
some good moments, right?

You're not wrong.

I found love. [inhales]

I married Miles's grandfather...

...and that was nice.

Until he died in this very spot.

The only person
who ever loved me,
gone in an instant.

No goodbyes, no I love yous.

Nothing for me to hold on to
except for the unborn child
growing inside of me.

I know, I know. I--
Miles told me. I'm so sorry.

And then that child
was taken from me.

The only thing I had left
of the only person I ever loved,

gone in an instant,

leaving me to suffer alone.

Okay. You know what?
You're right.
You're right, okay?

Your life was uniquely awful.

And my heart,
it breaks for you, Meemaw.
It really does.

But that's not
everyone's experience.

Oh. You think my life was
just some isolated tragedy?

That's because
you're afraid of the truth.

See, the truth is,
Karl, the darkness
did not enter our world.

-The dark is our world.
-No.

No, no, no. No, it's not. Okay?
What about Hank? Right?

Hank was perfectly happy
until you dragged him into this.

Hank? Hank lives alone
on this mountain,

boiling eggs
and praying for friendship.

Hank's not happy.
He's suffering.

So what's the plan, then?
You're gonna, you're gonna
close the portal

and end all suffering
and save the world?

[scoffs]

Sweetie...

...there's nothing left to save.

[gasping]

Gloria, Gloria, Gloria,
please don't do this!

-Gloria, please don't do--
[screaming]
-[sizzling]

You are evil.

[portal whooshes]

[shivering breaths]

-[Meemaw] Miles.
-Oh, my God. My heavenly God.

-My heavenly God.
-What happened?

Wait, my boy. Did you get--

-My heavenly God.
-What happened?

-My heavenly God.
-[Karl] What...

...heavenly God,
my heavenly God,
my heavenly God.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Here. Okay. Wait. Here.

Sit down, sit down, sit down.
Sit down, sit down, sit down.

-Hey, what happened?
-Don't touch me, man.

-Fuck!
-Okay, okay, okay.

Hey, where, where did you go?

Spiders. There were
giant spiders everywhere,

and they were all
trying to have sex with me.

There was nowhere to hide.

Every day I'd see these
spiders with their soggy webbing

and their giant,
endless hairy legs

rubbing each other
until they got hard.
And then they come for me.

-They'd come for me
with their... hissing song.
-[chittering]

What, what do you mean,
"every day"?
You were only gone a minute.

It wasn't a minute where I was!

It was 187 days.

I know that 'cause
I kept track on the wall
of the cave they kept me in.

A 187 days of vigorous,
creative, terrifying spider sex.

Oh, my God. How did you get out?

-The queen.
-[acoustic guitar note plays]

The queen liked
chocolate and dancing.

Two things
I'm great at, so then...

-I can't talk!
-Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
We don't have to talk about it.

-[ominous sting]
-What, now you care?

You let your
so-called best friend
go into harm's way without you.

Let him? You're the one
who sent your grandson

into a spider gangbang,
you crazy hag.

My grandson has the courage
to save this entire planet,
you witless coward!

Look, dude,
you don't wanna hear this,
but you need to.

Your meemaw isn't
trying to save the world.
She's going to end it.

This is just what
I warned you about, Milesey.

He's sick.
The Allness has taken him.

I just watched your meemaw
stab Hank with a poker.

-Then he probably deserved it.
-What?

-Dude.
-No. She's right.

I needed you,
and you just watched.

We're saving the world.

-We're heroes.
-That's right, my boy.

And now we can end this.
We have everything we need.

[couch creaking]

[slow suspenseful music]

[Karl breathing heavily]

We have to stop this.

You had your chance
to be useful.

"Useful"?

[slow foreboding music]

[chanting in other language]

[whooshes]

[speaking English] It's open.

[whooshes]

[dramatic music]

[Miles]
Karl!

He won't get far.

Hank, get him cleaned up.

[panting]

[Meemaw]
You cannot run from me.

[soft chanting]

[grunts]

[whimpers, screams]

Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck,
oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

[Meemaw]
Where do you think
you're going?

[goats bleating]

[warbling]

[crackling]

[gasps, panting]

Hey. Hey, hey, what do we do?
We gotta stop her.
How do we stop her?

They're fantastic eggs, Hank,
yes, but now's not really
a good time for them, okay?

They're not so--
You don't have to waste them.
I'm gonna grab--

[insects chirping]

[snarling]

[breathing heavily]

Let me up.

Miles, what are you doing?

What the fuck is going on here?

[grunting] Hello?

Why are you dressed like monks?

I hoped it wouldn't come
to this, but it's the only way.

What is?
What are you talking about?

A sacrifice of love
is the final step.

You're gonna sacrifice me?

Oh, Miles. What?

I'm sorry. You don't understand.

-But we're going to be heroes.
-No, asshole!
We're gonna be dead.

Listen to me.
Your meemaw isn't going
to save the world.

-She's gonna destroy it.
-No, she's not.

The world has already
destroyed itself.

We are just ending
the suffering.

I knew it. I told you, dude,

your meemaw's fuckin' whack.

We're ending this suffering.

We're saving everything.

You're not gonna save anything.

Sacrifice him, my boy.
It's all that's left to do.

-[foreboding music]
-[grunts]

-The cabin will be a monument
to your bravery.
-There isn't gonna be

-a cabin, moron.
-Meemaw, will you
please explain--

[in otherworldly voice]
Just forget about
the fucking cabin, all right?

[in normal voice] We are trying
to rid the universe
of the plague of humanity.

You're chatting
about fucking property!
Just kill him, already.

[breathing heavily]

-So you were lying about
the cabin the whole time?
-Yes!

-Miles, she used you.
-What about the horny spiders?

She let those spiders
fuck you for nothing.

-And where was Karl?
-This isn't some
righteous mission, okay?

She's gonna burn it
all down because she's
angry her life sucked.

I just...

-W-- what about Hank?
-[snarls]

Why can't we sacrifice him?

No, Hank!

[gurgles, growls]

-Why did you do that?
-Hank was insignificant.

You, you know
what you have to do.

-I have to kill
the person I love.
-[Karl] Miles.

It's the only way.

-I gotta save the world.
-Then stop her.

-Nobody can stop me now.
-Hey.

You know I'm right. Right?

You know I'm right.

No, no, Karl. Just shut up.
Just shut up, okay?

I have to do this.
I, I, I have to do this.

-Please, Miles.
You don't have to do this.
-[whispers] Make the sacrifice.

Fulfill your destiny.

-Make the sacrifice.
-[Karl] Miles, I'm begging you.

[breathing heavily]

I'm going to enjoy watching
the light leaving your eyes.

-[stabs]
-[gasps]

[somber music]

[both groan softly]

We are separate,
yet we are one.

What have you done?

A fucking hero move!

[Meemaw gasping]

[distant screaming]

[music intensifies]

[rumbling]

[Karl breathing heavily]

[birds chirping]

Miles.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,

-ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
-Uh...

Uh, does it hurt?

Yes, Karl, it fucking hurts.

Stupid question.
It was a stupid question.

I could have
stabbed myself anywhere,

and I chose literally
the worst possible place.

-Good one, Miles.
Fucking idiot.
-Uh, do you wanna sit down?

-No, no. I'm fine.
-[squelching]

-Oh, maybe. [muttering]
-Okay, okay, okay, okay.
All right, all right.

Here we go,
here we go, here we go.

Okay, okay.

-Okay, okay. All right.
-[exhales]

Uh, you comfortable?
Is that good?

No, no, but, but I'm fine.
I mean, I'm not fine.

I'm never gonna be fine.

[breathing heavily]

You were right about Meemaw.

You were right about everything.

I've been a bad, selfish friend.

No, no, no. Hey, look.

You just did
the most selfless act

anyone could ever do, okay?

Hey, you saved my life.

You saved the world.

[gurgling]

[somber music]

-I did, huh?
-[softly] Yeah.

-Will you promise me something?
-Name it.

[groans, coughs]

-Sorry, uh, death stuff.
-That's okay. [sniffles]

I want you to sell this place
before the bubble bursts.

And it's gonna be hard 'cause...

[sputters]

...'cause you're gonna
have to disclose the murder
that took place here.

You got it.

And I want you to promise me
you'll make Kid Score.

'Cause it's a really good idea.

-I'll try.
-Promise!

Okay. Okay.
I promise. I promise.

[exhales]

And then one more thing.

That's a lot to promise.

Just love yourself, man,

'cause you're gonna get
your family, and your house,

and everything you ever wanted.

But you gotta
remember to love yourself.

[music continues]

[sniffles] Promise.

Miles, I want you to know
something, man. [inhales]

You're the best friend
that I've ever had in my life.

I love you, man.

You're welcome.

[Miles grunts]

I'm gonna die now.

[sniffles] Okay, buddy.

This is my last breath.

[takes deep breath]

-No, I missed it.
-Oh, my God.

-[exhales, sniffles]
-[birds chirping]

I'm going to jail for sure.

[soft whooshing]

[gentle music]

[Karl exhales]

[Karl]
Whoo.

Oh, shit. Okay.

You're okay. You're okay.
You're okay. You're okay.

Okay.

Okay.

[exhales]

[cell phone chimes]

Hey, Jessica, it's Karl. No, p--
please don't, don't hang up,
don't hang up, don't hang up--

Uh, there's, uh, there's,
there's something I gotta say.

Okay? All right, uh...

[sighs]

I just wanna say...

...I, I get it.

You know, I, I get why you don't
wanna marry me. [sighs]

I've, I've spent my whole life
just staring at this image
of some perfect future.

And I think I became
so obsessed with it

that I stopped caring
who was in it with me, you know.

Like, a-- as if, as if, just,

it's the idea of it
that was gonna
make me happy, you know,

which is... you know, bullshit.

Obviously it's bullshit,
but, um, honestly, I just...

...I just wanna thank you
for, uh, for calling me out.

And I'm really sorry
for wasting your time.

And I'm sorry
for this Mooman thing.

I don't know if you've seen it,
but I'm, uh, just--

I'm very sorry for that, and...

...I think, most of all,
I'm, I'm, I'm sorry that I...

...I'm sorry that
I didn't love myself enough.

You know, I... [sighs]

And I'm gonna work on that.
And, and who knows,
you know, maybe,

maybe someday I will have
that family and that,

that perfect life, and a wife,
and kids, and dog, and whatever,
and, and, uh...

I don't know, maybe that's with
you and, and probably it's not,
right, but... [chuckles]

but the one thing I know is
I am going to love myself first.

[chuckles]

Huh.

I guess new Karl says it
like it is, huh? [chuckles]

Anyway, I, I've taken
enough of your time,

so I-- I'm gonna let you go.

Goodbye, Jessica.

[cell phone chimes]

[exhales]

Yeah.

-Yeah, that's how I'll say that.
-["Wow" by Jane Leo]

Tomorrow, I'll, I'll-- tomorrow,
I'll call her. Or, like,
maybe I won't. I don't know.

♪ All my friends don't know
They're communists ♪

♪ Even though
It's so damn obvious ♪

♪ Play their part
And wear their party dress ♪

♪ Tick-tick-tock
Ready or not ♪

♪ Last chance
For the life you want ♪

♪ Oh, wow
All I can say is wow ♪

♪ There is no getting out ♪

♪ Oh, wow
All I can say is wow ♪

♪ We've really done it now ♪

♪ Don't ask why
And stay oblivious ♪

♪ Bigger shack
To put more shit in it ♪

♪ Natural AstroTurf's
Luxurious ♪

♪ Tick-tick-tock
Ready or not ♪

♪ Look at all
The useless things you bought ♪

♪ Oh, wow
All I can say is wow ♪

♪ There is no getting out ♪

♪ Oh, wow
We've really done it now ♪

♪ All I can say is wow ♪

♪ Oh, wow ♪

♪ Oh, wow ♪

♪ My sister's got corona
And my brother's got a boner ♪

♪ And this Jet ski is a loner ♪

♪ I hope to be its owner ♪

♪ We masturbate to screens ♪

♪ We're all chasing
Futile dreams ♪

♪ We're addicted
To the silver screens ♪

♪ Contort reality ♪

♪ Oh, don't take it away
I'm feeling nuclear today ♪

♪ My mama gave me trauma
My dad's a runaway ♪

♪ Oh, something I can't see
It means nothing to me ♪

♪ Oh, blame it
On my good fortune ♪

♪ Victim mentality ♪

-♪ Oh ♪
-[song stops]

-[keys jangling]
-[door creaks]

[birds cawing]

Now, obviously,
place needs work.

But, I mean, it's,
it's got really good bones.

[scoffs] Yeah, if that's
what you wanna call it.

[whooshing]

[in otherworldly voice]
Who is it that disturbs the--
[coughs]

[in normal voice] Sorry. Sorry.
I was trying to mess with you,
but then I realized

I was scarier than
I thought I was gonna be.

Wow. You're very scared.

Tell you what,
I'm gonna leave you alone.

I just have to know real quick.

How much
did you buy this place for?

-Not much.
-[woman breathing shakily]

The bubble had burst.

Ah! Fucking Karl! Damn it.

-[foreboding music]
-Hey, new family.

Hank. Also trapped here
for all eternity.

Yada yada yada.
If you ever want
some of my famous eggs,

just think about them,
and then, poof! [chuckles]

-Hank, go away.
They don't want your eggs.
-They're better than you think.

-I promise.
-I'm not-- Uh, they're
actually delicious.

-They're actually delicious.
-They are, but,

-you know--
-It's a whole thing.
It's, it's--

-Yeah, yeah.
-It's a weird
conversation starter.

-We have a past. [chuckles]
-Is Bernadette Peters

still alive in that realm?

-We're bugging you.
We're bugging you.
-You know what, this is weird.

-We're killing the vibe.
-You don't like it.
We're gonna go.

-We're gonna go.
-We'll surprise you next time.

[rumbles, whooshes]

[woman breathing shakily]

-[eerie music]
-[soft chanting]

[eerie sting]

[foreboding music]

[dramatic music fades in]

[soft chanting]

[music fades]

[gentle music]

[music fades]