Original subtitles

-[eerie percussive music] -[soft chanting]

[tree creaking]

[shrieking]

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

[music continues on stereo]

I really fucked up.

Yeah, you did. But it's gonna be okay.

How is it gonna be okay?

Heads up. Gummy bears!

-[Miles] Dude, put the phone down. -What if she calls?

Well, then it'll ring like a phone and you can answer it.

I just gotta talk to her. If I could talk to her--

No. You need to get ready

for the best buds weekend.

Ooh, we could play Fart Cops.

Buddy, after this weekend, you're gonna be a new man.

-Maybe even a rich one. -Why's that, Miles?

You gonna drug me and sell off my organs?

No.

The cabin, it's mine now.

Your grandma gave you her cabin?

Sorta. She died.

Oh, shit.

-Miles, I'm, I'm so sorry, man. -Why?

Do you have any idea how good the real estate market is right now?

I meant about your grandma dying.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Yeah, it was sup-- super sad.

Although, honestly, towards the end, it was getting pretty gross.

I'm gonna fix up this cabin and sell it for a metric shit ton of cash.

'Course. I don't think we are leaving town for my sake.

We are leaving town for your sake.

We're gonna get you over Jessica

and get my property tycoonism going.

-It's a win-win. High five! -Are you listening to me--

-[cell phone vibrating] -Oh, can you see who that is?

-It's from a thread called "college bros unite"? -Oh, yeah.

-You don't have to look at that. -You guys have a thread without me?

No, it's a different group of guys

I went to college with.

[automated voice] Keith disliked your message,

"Hey, bros, Karl just got dumped in epic fashion.

I know he'd appreciate a message of support from the boys."

-[cell phone chimes] -Naked Mike replied, "Karl? Dude disappears

every time he finds a girl who can tolerate him

and I'm supposed to drop all my shit and be his friend again?

-Fuck Karl." -Silly guy.

-[cell phone chimes] -[automated voice] "Tell Karl I just saw

the Mooman clip. Lol."

-What's Mooman? -Holy shit, it worked.

This is big.

[upbeat music]

'Sup, everybody? Mooman here, coming to you live from the Internet.

If you haven't subscribed, subscribe!

Quick shout-out to our sponsors,

Mom Hack! Security for moms by moms.

Every episode, we do is "Loser of the Week."

-Last week's loser, gone. -[horn honks]

The guy who got pooped on from the drone... [mimics slashing]

And this loser is the biggest loser I've ever seen.

If I saw this guy in the street, I'd be, like, "Oh, my God,

you drove here in the loser mobile,

you sleep in the loser bed, you fly in the loser plane."

[laughs] Play the clip.

I just broke into my girlfriend's apartment.

I know. [laughs] But for good reason.

Um, I'm gonna propose.

So, uh, I'm thinking we'll play this on our 25th anniversary.

So, babe, we're watchin'.

This is the moment you said yes and our lives changed forever.

[chuckles]

-Jessica, would you like to-- -[screams] Oh, my--

-Karl, are you okay? -[groaning] No.

What, what are you doing here?

I came to propose.

Propose? We've only been dating for six months!

-We haven't even talked about being exclusive! -You wanna be--

Miles! Are you filming this? Turn it off! Turn it off!

[laughs]

That's not happening for you. Some people just die alone.

That's the way God intended. Sorry.

-So, I love you guys. Thank you for subscribing. -Pull over.

-See you next... -Pull over!

[birds twittering]

[Karl groaning]

[sobs]

You mad?

You should be stoked.

Mooman has, like, a billion followers.

Girls are gonna be lining up around the block to bang the guy from the video.

Oh, great. I get sympathy sex from every freak on the Internet.

-[groans] -Yes. Exactly. That sounds awesome to me.

Dude... [sighs] you gotta just learn to accept what's going on here, pal.

You gotta go with the flow, like...

...like dirt in the wind.

[Karl] Oh.

[spits]

Oh, man.

I really thought she was gonna say yes.

Really? 'Cause I would have been shocked.

What? Then why did you, why did you film it?

Well, if she did say yes, wouldn't you have wanted a video of it?

I mean, fine, I guess. I don't, I don't, I don't know.

But you didn't have to send it to that Swedish cow. I looked like an asshole.

All right. Look, that's fair. And, honestly, my bad.

But I still say, all that did was make the old Karl look like an asshole,

paving the way for your reinvention.

[scoffs] I don't wanna be reinvented.

All right, look. Truth bomb. I knew this was coming,

-and I knew it was gonna be tough. -Yeah, you knew. Right.

Yeah. Meemaw told me.

In my dreams, obviously.

She said you'd need my help, and here we are.

I mean, your dad's dead. Don't you ever dream about him?

I mean, sorta, I guess. I...

The other night, I dreamed that he and I were planting goats.

Yeah. See? Exactly. It's the exact same thing.

Look, you're being reborn, and I'm the doula who's here to deliver you.

Let me ask you this.

If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?

I don't know, man.

In a couple of months,

when I'm super rich

and I write you a blank check,

what are you gonna do?

[Karl sighs]

Uh, I did have this one idea.

Ah, amazing. Yes! All right. What's it called?

It's called Kid Score.

A modern and exciting way to rate children.

-For teach-- No, like, for teachers. -Oh, for teach--

Yeah. Thank God it's for teachers.

Um, it's dumb, dude. You think it's dumb.

No, no, no, it's not dumb. It's--

I-- You're a substitute teacher.

If you think it's a good idea, then it's a good idea.

-I really do think it's a good idea. -I do too.

I just think you should workshop the name a little bit.

Yeah, and you know what?

-Fuck Mooman, you know? -Yes.

Like, so what if he got millions of views?

Like, we don't know where those views are from.

Maybe they're all in Sweden,

and no one in the US has even seen it, right?

Like, that's possible. Like, maybe, maybe I'm,

I'm fine. Right? Maybe I'm, I'm totally fine.

-Yeah, dude. Guaranteed. Nobody's seen-- -[man] Holy shit.

-It's the loser from the Mooman. -[camera clicks]

[chuckles]

[slurping drink]

I feel like he probably just moved here from Sweden

-and is the only one who-- -Can we just, can we just go? Can we just--

-can we please just go? [sighs] -Yeah.

You know what? You're gonna be all right.

Let's get that sweet ass in shotgun,

'cause we're pretty much almost there.

[dramatic sting]

[car approaching]

[bird cawing]

[door opens]

[birds chirping]

[sighs]

Hey, put that shit away and look around.

[Miles sighs]

[foreboding music]

[eerie chanting]

[chanting along]

Meemaw and I used to jam out to that song all the time.

-That's not a song. -Well, not yet, but you gotta wait for the chorus to kick in.

[creepy wailing]

Hey! Miles, hi! [chuckles] Hey!

God damn it. I didn't think he was gonna be up here.

-Your neighbor? -Yeah. Hank.

He's a total weirdo. Like, what's he doing up there?

-Hey! -He looks like he's enjoying his tea.

[laughs] Right? You can totally ignore him.

Hey, if you guys are hungry, uh, I'll swing by later with some of my famous eggs.

They can't be famous, right, Hank? 'Cause nobody knows who you are.

-Right? -The eggs are-- Not-- I'm not fam-- The eggs-- [laughs]

-Eggs. Unbelievable. -Miles, get out of here.

Hey, guy-- let me know if you need to poach the Wi-Fi.

I'm just around.

I actually-- I'm actually not doing anything later or tomorrow.

Okay. See ya!

Ah, shit.

-[grunts] Sorry. -You need help?

No, no, no. Sometimes you just gotta, like,

turn the key and then kinda, like, thrust with a--

You know, just, like, a very specific way.

Well, shit.

[Karl sighs]

Can you go get those?

-What? Why me? -Not it.

-Oh, bullshit. -I said "not it," dude.

[Karl drops bag]

[panting]

Not it? Fucking asshole.

Hey, can you guide me or something? I don't know where I am.

Sure.

[thuds]

-Here. -Thank you.

-[sighs] Is this safe? -Totally.

Just be careful, because there's literally no hospitals around here.

[foreboding music]

-[stick snaps] -[animals squeaking]

Is there something down here?

Yeah, the keys. Now, fuckin' hurry up.

-Got it. -[animals hissing, squeaking]

[eerie music]

-[eerie whisper] -Oh, fuck!

Oh... God.

[groans]

[footsteps]

[birds chirping, cawing]

Miles?

Jesus Christ.

-[keys jangling] -[sighs]

[eerie music]

[switch clicks]

[clicking]

Where are the lights in this place?

-[ominous sting] -[gasps] Jesus!

Welcome to Meemaw's famous cabin. [exhales]

Isn't it incredible?

If these walls could talk.

[walls creaking]

I think they just said, "Ow."

Yeah, I'll add that to the list.

This house feels very, uh...

-...burned. -Yeah, there was a legit fire here,

but the fire guy said it's still a house.

Nobody's gonna buy a half-burned house.

[scoffs] You really don't understand real estate.

This place is pretty wild.

Yeah. It's cool, right?

Meemaw and Gramps built this place by hand

back in the '50s, if you can believe it.

[Karl] It's incredible. I can't even build a fire.

Dude, what's funny is, Gramps died building that fireplace.

Meemaw still finished the place all by herself,

eight months pregnant with my dad,

-like a boss. -[clattering]

She raised your dad alone here?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She lost her mind.

So, Dad had to go live with his aunt.

Oh, man, that's so sad.

Oh, dude, you have no idea. Her life was hella sad.

She got her shit together, though.

And then, by the time I was a kid,

my parents started letting me visit

on, like, weekends and stuff.

Ah, it was the best.

We would spend hours just roaming the forest and drinking hot cocoa

-and finger painting. -[eerie music]

I always tried to invite you, but Meemaw was just super intense

about it being just us. Hey, check this out.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God,

what is that? My eyes are on fire.

-My meemaw's scent. -Oh, it's so intense.

[inhales] Yeah, well, so was she.

Oh, my God. Oh, it's in my mouth. [spits]

Oh, yeah, you don't wanna swallow that. Go clean yourself up.

You can take the first room on the left.

Oh, my God.

Oh. This way?

[foreboding music]

[sighs]

[chuckles]

[bed creaks]

[exhales heavily]

[eerie whispering]

-Miles? -[eerie scream]

[insects chirping]

[door creaks]

[toilet flushes]

[ominous sting]

It is time.

Fart Cops, assemble! [mimics farting]

Do it. Do the sounds.

[sighs]

[mimics farting]

[mimics farting]

[both mimicking farting]

[mimics farting]

[both mimicking farting]

He's already dead, man! [mock sobbing] He's already dead!

-[mimics farting] -[both chuckle]

Detective Butt Truman... [mimicking farting] reporting for duty.

-At ease. [mimics farting] -[chuckling] All right.

-What's the plan? -Well, tomorrow, the hard work starts.

But tonight, we tear it up!

All right, let's do it.

[clicks tongue]

-Let's fucking go! -[mimics farting]

[upbeat rock music]

All right. So let's say I could get a mil for this place.

You are fuckin' dreaming.

All right, fine. Modestly, 600K.

So I take that 600K and I start diversifying my portfolio,

invest in some startups.

Ooh, maybe a revolutionary child-scoring system

that I've been hearing so much about.

-Oh, I don't know. -No, no, no.

I want you to start at the beginning and really pitch me.

-Like Shark Tank style. -Really?

Oh, yeah, definitely. But let's do a card first.

-[sighs] -You gotta read it out loud.

-Why? -I don't know. That's what it says on the box.

Come on, man. Get into it.

[both] "The anguish of all generations."

-Now you gotta drink. -[rumbling]

[upbeat rock music continues]

-[exhales] -I'm not a complicated person. You know what I mean?

Like, all I want is, is, like, a wife,

a couple-- just a family, you know?

-I know. -Why is that so hard?

Hi, I'm Karl,

and after 14 years as a substitute teacher,

I've learned that over 40% of children are monsters.

-Making up stats. Smart. -But what if there was a way for me to know

who the meanest kids were before I even entered the classroom?

I give you Kid Score.

A modern and exciting new app that allows teachers to rate students' cruelty

and violent tendency on a five-star, star system,

allowing me to spend more time teaching and less time being scared.

This is your pattern.

You meet a pretty girl, you fall in love,

-and then she uses you. -That's not true.

All right. Mandy, in college. You wrote her senior thesis,

-and then she ditched you. -She needed help.

And there's nothing I don't know about Lithuanian ballet.

Lydia still has your car.

-I'm gonna ask for it back. -[ball clatters]

Monica took your emotional support animal.

And Laurie, you paid for her grandfather's hospice care

while she spent six weeks eating ass in Cancun.

-So what's the ask? -The ask, you ask? Fuck.

I'm looking for one lucky investor

to cover my living expenses while I learn how to code.

-With this kind of educa-- You hate it. -Let's do another card.

No, no, no, no, no. I could see this being implemented in the new fiscal year.

I just wanna do another card.

[both] "A gateway to it all."

[eerie hum]

-[both groan] -I think I'm allergic to this stuff.

-Right? I like how it tastes good. -[wheezes]

[chuckling]

-What are you doing? -Texting Jessica.

-Seriously? Give it. I got bangers. -Well, I-- Be, be cool about it.

Dude, I know exactly what to say.

-Does "solace" have two L's? -No.

-What? -[knock on door]

-[knocking continues] -Who is it?

[Hank] It's Hank.

-I'm not here. -I mean, you already spoke to him. He knows you're here.

-[knocking] -[Hank] Ding-dong, ding-dong.

Pretending you have a doorbell. Hey!

-[chuckling] Hey. -Hey, guys.

-Who wants eggs? -Are these the famous eggs I've heard so much about?

-The same. The same. -We're, we're good, Hank. Go home.

[chuckling] What are you guys doing inside? Are you playing games?

-Do you guys need a third? -No games need a third, Hank.

All right? So we're good. You can go away now. Thank you.

-Uh, okay, those-- -Thank you, uh, so much. I'm sorry about that.

Oh, oh, please, please. He is so much like Gloria.

Uh, his meemaw. His late meemaw was, uh--

-you know, she was a whole thing. So, uh-- -[both chuckle]

Oh... [speaks indistinctly]

Um... [clicks tongue] those don't need anything.

-You can just rawdog 'em. -[both chuckle]

-Yeah. -Oh, my God. Okay.

-Awesome. Okay. Noted. All right. -Mm-hm. Yeah.

-Thank you. Well, uh-- All right, well, uh, good night. -Cool.

Uh, oh, hey, I need to talk to Miles also

-about the gophers. It's mating season. -Yeah. Cool. Yeah, yeah.

-Yup. -The gophers are mating.

[whooshing]

Jessica's different. She isn't part of some pattern.

-She didn't use me. -Not yet.

[upbeat music]

[laughing]

I'm not drinking that.

No. Come on, dude, those are the rules.

-Here. Tell you what, I'll go first. -[ball clatters]

[strains]

[slurps]

[Karl gasps softly]

[Miles groans]

-[coughs] -[slurps, retches]

Oh, my God. What did you put in that?

-Well, I thought you filled it. -Oh, my God, that's so gross.

Oh, so gross. What is that taste?

Oh, it's like a stranger's bathwater, but it's thick.

Oh, shit. I'm gonna be sick.

[mellow rock music]

-Are you texting Jessica? -Maybe.

Give it.

"I want you back so hard, I'm dying.

I feel like a dolphin without its tail, swimming--"

All right, this is trash. You shoot, I'mma fix this.

By all means.

[chuckles]

-What are you saying? -Shh. I'm in a flow state.

Wow.

I just said, like, you know,

"You're the worst thing that ever happened to me.

I don't need you anymore. You'll never see these cheeks again."

-You know, the classics. -That's not how I, how I feel.

Oh, dude, you gotta play it cool.

I am cool.

"And that's why you're a nightmare.

And I'm glad that you are allergic to penicillin."

-[both chuckle] -Okay.

-Send it. -[cell phone chimes]

-Sent. -Okay.

[both laugh]

Do you think that she's reading it right now

-and she's, like, "Oh, no"? -No, we don't get service up here.

Uh, okay.

[foreboding music]

[faint chanting]

[coughs softly]

[Miles] Let's take shots.

No, I can't do any more Fireball.

I'll take a-- I could take a beer.

Beers, we don't have.

But there is a liquor store in town.

-So, if you think you can drive... -[sighs]

-Yeah. -Okay.

[keys jangling]

[straining] I see.

Ah. Come here, buddy. Come here.

Oh. God, no.

Karl, your feet smell like intestines.

Hey, come here. [exhales]

We're really doing it.

You and me, we're finally taking control of our lives.

A million percent.

[Miles sighs]

You know, this may come as, like, a little bit of a surprise to you, but

sometimes I feel like the joke of my family.

That's 'cause you say so much stupid shit all the time.

Yeah, that's what they always say. It's so annoying.

I'm gonna prove 'em wrong.

And I'm gonna make my dead meemaw so proud.

[gentle music]

You and me, buddy. We're gonna be so rich.

People are gonna line up around the block to talk about how rich we are, for sure.

[Karl snores]

All right. [grunts]

Sweet dreams, little guy.

You should see a doctor about your feet.

-[Hank whistling] -[TV chatter]

[slow suspenseful music]

[Hank continues whistling]

[soft chanting]

[bed creaks]

[snores]

Meemaw?

[Meemaw] Hello, my little Miles.

[eerie music]

-[knocking on door] -[Hank] Knock, knock.

Who's there? Hank.

Hank you. Hank you. You're welcome.

Guys, I saw a purple light. I was very worried 'cause sometimes, you know,

sometimes that could be a gas leak...

-[eerie snarling] -[gasps]

[Meemaw] Are you ready?

The hard part starts now.

[yawns] I just need, like, seven or eight more hours,

and then I will be good to go.

[Meemaw] You have everything you need.

Mm-hm. Power nap it is.

[Meemaw in otherworldly voice] Wake up!

[groans]

[panting]

-Did I sleep here? -[exhales] I...

I don't remember.

-What time is it? -Oh. Oh, God.

Oh, my God, I feel like a dumpster.

Yeah. Alcohol...

...alcohol will cure us. [exhales]

[Miles groaning]

[eerie music]

-[Miles groans] I think something died in here. -[Hank snarling]

I don't, I don't think I can drink anymore.

[ominous sting]

[snarling]

Hank? Who the fuck just walks into somebody's home, you pervert?

[roaring]

[roaring]

-What the fuck is happening? -[Miles breathing shakily]

-[growls] -[sizzling]

[crackling]

[rumbling]

[foreboding music]

[Karl panting]

What do we do?

What do we do? What do we do?

[whimpers]

What I should have done a long time ago.

Kill Hank.

-[screaming] -[confused growl]

I knew you were evil, you corny bastard! [echoes]

[distorted] Run! Get out!

[whimpering]

[glass shatters]

[yells]

[panting]

-I told you to run! -Just tried.

[panting]

Tah Ah Chi.

[Meemaw] So, when the Herald of the Allness says "Tah Ah Chi,"

that's when it's our turn to take action.

[Young Miles] What does "Tah Ah Chi" mean?

[Meemaw] It's an ancient language, sweetie,

passed down over hundreds and hundreds of years

by heroes, just like you.

[Young Miles] Meemaw, I need more red paint.

Thank you, Meemaw.

I remember.

This is what Meemaw was preparing me for.

-"Preparing"? -I know what we have to do.

There's a book, a-- and it's, it's got instructions.

-Instructions for what? -[growls]

I'm gonna find the book. You kill Hank.

-I'm not gonna kill Hank. -Do it!

God damn it!

[tense music]

-I found it! -Good job.

Now we just have to find the right page.

Why is Hank still alive?

'Cause he's a fucking monster, Miles!

[exhales]

[grunts softly]

Ugh, this is so boring. There are so many words.

[Karl] Miles, check it.

Look, he's not attacking or anything.

-[growls softly] -He's just, uh,

he's just kind of chill. I mean, it's gross.

-But, yeah, I think he's just chill. -You gotta do the reading.

-What am I looking for? -Anything about portals.

Okay. Whoa. This book is pretty wild-lookin'.

Okay. Uh, okay. Uh, concoctions of the impotent, in-- infinity teeth,

shedding of the orphan flesh. I'm not seeing anything about, about portals.

[Meemaw] Hello, my little Miles.

-I remember. -Reptilian urges.

Uh, Gateway to the Allness? Is that it?

Yeah. Yeah, the Allness. That one.

Okay. Okay, okay.

I'm seeing stuff about, uh, a Herald.

[Meemaw] It's our turn to take action.

[Karl] Possessed facilitator.

Uh, when the Herald utters the phrase, "Ta Ah Chi--"

Oh, that's how you spell that.

[speaking other language]

[speaking English] Uh, Miles? Uh, I don't, I don't think

Hank wants you to be doing whatever it is you're doing.

[growling]

What are you doing?

-[speaking other language] -[zaps]

[eerie music]

[grunting]

-[speaking other language] -[Meemaw grunts]

[speaking English] What the fuck?

[foreboding music]

[bones cracking]

[both screaming]

[Karl] I wanna go home!

-[Meemaw grunting, gasping] -[flies buzzing]

[both screaming]

Boys, boys, stop. Stop screaming. Shut up!

Miles.

Miles, my boy.

It's me. It's your meemaw.

Where is your face?

Oh, I...

...I, I don't know.

Did someone disturb my ashes?

A-- ashes?

Uh, your ashes? It's hard to say for sure. Um...

-Karl, did you disturb her ashes? -[Meemaw] Where's Karl?

I'm... [clears throat] I'm here. Hi. [gasps]

It is so lovely to meet you.

-[flies buzzing] -Um, you have a lovely home.

I have so much I have to tell you.

-I was so close to defeating-- -Meemaw, I gotta stop you there.

I am not listening to you at all. It is...

You look like a haunted hot dog.

You look like Gandalf's stick.

[sighs]

[squeaking]

Eyebrows were a good call.

-There's my girl. -Oh. Time for cocoa.

[kettle whistling]

[Miles] Meemaw, are you sure you don't need any help?

No. I'll, I'll be fine.

-Be back in a jiffy. -[squishing]

Dude, are you all right? You are destroying that egg.

I eat when I'm nervous. This is a phenomenal egg.

-[whispering] What's going on? -Meemaw's about to tell us.

-Why are you nervous? -Oh, I don't know, Miles.

Maybe it's 'cause your meemaw just appeared out of blood and force-pushed your neighbor.

What the fuck? Here she comes!

-Okay. -[Miles] Oh, my God. Great.

Oh, how-- Yeah. Okay, we can-- Ah!

-Oh. Oh, dear. What happened? -Karl spilled all over himself.

-I spilled all over myself. -[Meemaw] Oh, no.

No, no, no. Meemaw, that's okay, 'cause I have mine, and it is delicious.

Aw. Well, aren't you boys sweet.

Yeah, we're so sweet.

Meemaw, we were wondering,

um... what's going on?

Well, when you strapping young men opened that portal, you freed me

-from a nasty place that that demon had me trapped in. -[flies buzzing]

-[hissing] -[Miles] I knew he sucked.

I always said, I always said, "Fuck him!"

-That's what I said. -Language.

Sorry.

Well, boys,

through that portal

is the gateway through which

all darkness has entered our world.

-You mean, like, nighttime? -[Hank snarling]

No, sweetheart. Metaphorical darkness.

She means, like, war, greed. Stuff like that.

-[Meemaw] That's right. -That's right.

I studied ancient spells

to try to find a way to stop the darkness from getting in.

We don't want a bunch of darkness getting in all over the place, now, do we?

Well, the demons didn't like that one bit,

and so they killed me and took my soul.

-How? -Well, through there is the Allness.

The realm between realities.

You, you mean, like, like, multiple dimensions?

Imagine that each of these things is a reality unto itself.

A world like ours.

All these dimensions exist at the same time,

but the Allness is the table itself.

And just like the rot in this table's wood,

there is a darkness that is hungry.

And it's trying to gobble everything up.

So I need to finish what I started.

Close that gateway, stop the rot. [slams table]

Make you boys some delicious beet soup.

[chuckles nervously] Beet soup does sound good.

Um, but, uh, how do you close the portal?

Well, the first thing we need to do is to bring me back to my full form.

Will you get your face back?

Yes.

-Oh, thank God. -That's a relief.

It's going to be extremely difficult and dangerous.

You see, I require lifeblood.

All right.

I'm going to enter the Allness.

[object clatters]

Help, help her.

I-- She doesn't want me-- Okay.

Meemaw, come here. Meemaw.

-[Meemaw] Where is it? -[Miles] Come here. Come here.

[foreboding music]

-Are you sure you can do this? -[sighs] I'll be fine.

[retching, vomiting]

Why don't you let Karl and I go?

We're young and super fit. Send us.

-No, sweetheart. -[flies buzzing]

It's too dangerous.

We can help.

-[zaps] -[groaning]

Oh! I'm so sorry.

You two will have to go in there.

You two will have to save the world.

-[softly] No. -[softly] Yes.

-I'm not gonna do it. -No, we have to do it. It's two against one.

-It's two against one. -[Meemaw] I'll make you sandwiches.

Are you okay? Make me sandwiches. I'm not gonna go.

Take these for when you get hungry.

Ah, crusts. God damn it.

I wish I had more time to get you boys up to speed.

-You got nothing to worry about. We're gonna nail this. -Well, I'm--

I, I would love to be brought up to speed, personally.

Listen carefully, because we are running out of time as it is.

Once you go through there,

you're going to need to carry Riker's Goblet of Lifeblood

to the Cave of Osiris.

And once you offer up that blood, a glass of lupus will materialize.

Consider it done.

I, I didn't follow a word of that.

Hank will guide you. I-- I'll send him through with my knowledge.

-Oh, Hank? What? No. No way. -[snarling]

You will not make it without him.

[Miles sighs]

-But he's oozy. -[snarls]

Well, I can fix that.

[soft warbling]

Oh, my God! [screaming]

Help, help, help! [speaking other language]

[speaking English] No, that's worse. Can you just make him,

-like, halfway? -[Hank yelling]

[yelling stops, growls]

[growls]

That's right, Hank.

-Nice. -It will have to do.

When you boys opened that portal, it started a chain reaction.

-[snarls softly] -And if we don't act fast, well, we all die.

Uh, whoa, whoa! Just a question. Just, just a question, real quick.

Uh, why don't we just send Hank?

Oh, I'm afraid it will take all three of you to complete the task.

Once you go through there, the world will begin to play tricks on your mind.

And you will have to rely on each other to complete the task.

-You got nothing to worry about. We got this. -[Hank growls]

Uh, just, just, just one more, one more.

-Um, just one more question. -Yes, Karl.

Um, you're sure it's safe?

-Mm, no. No, it's very dangerous. -Right.

Hank, if you please?

-Okay. But now what I'm wondering is-- -[Hank snarls]

-No, no, no, no. Just one more, one more, one more. -Bye.

Just one more question. It's so important.

It'd be good. [stammering] One more question.

-This is your cosmic purpose. -[Hank snarls]

-You two are going to save the world. -Are you ready?

-No. -[Hank snarling]

-Have fun. - [Karl stutters] No, no! Wait, wait, wait!

[whooshes]

[dramatic music]

[both groaning, echoing]

-God. What is that smell? -Oh, my God, it's like butter

-and athlete's foot. Ugh. -Oh.

-[screams] -Oh, Jesus. Jesus. Hank.

[Hank panting, snarling]

-What the fuck is that? -[Hank growls]

[Miles moans]

-I mean, does it think we can't see it? -[Hank growls]

-Quittle. Quittle. -"Quittle"?

It's nice.

But scared.

Go in you.

-"In you"? -Up here!

It's scared, and it goes inside you.

And it hurts.

[grunts]

-[Miles] Oh, it looks nervous. -[Hank snarls]

-[moaning] -[ominous sting]

[laughs] Hello, Q.

-Oh, dear God. -The fuck?

[Hank] It's Q.

-[chuckles, screams] -Whoa!

[squelching]

So, is that the lupus thing or...

Yeah, that's clearly the Goblet of Blood.

Sorry, man. Honestly, this is all just, like, catching up to me.

-I mean, Meemaw, and the portal, and that thing? -[Hank snarling]

-Is it checking its pockets? -[Karl] Yeah, I don't know what it's doing.

Okay, but look, you're the one who dragged us to a portal. Okay? So, we're here.

Let's just, uh, grab this thing of blood and take it to the cave or whatever.

All right. You know what? You're right.

We got ourselves into this, and we're gonna get ourselves out.

All right, but, uh,

where, where, uh, where, where do we take it?

[Hank continues snarling]

Oh, I mean, that's gotta be it.

[foreboding music]

Shit. Yeah.

If I was a realm maker, I'd choose that for sure.

-Uh, Hank? -[grunts]

You run far, far ahead.

[screams]

Check for danger!

Oh, hey.

Well, you clearly hurt his feelings, man.

-Let's just go. -All right.

Okay, here we go. Ready?

One, two.

-Oh, my God. -Oh, shit.

Sorry, dude. I thought we were going on two.

Can't imagine why, dude.

Let's do the normal three, okay?

All right, here we go.

One, two, three.

-Oh. Like that. -Oh. Just like that.

[both laugh]

[Miles] All right. So, where are we taking this thing?

[Karl] The Cave of Osiris. That's where we offer it.

[Miles] Oh, right. And then we get to sell the cabin.

[Karl] No. Then Meemaw goes back to her full form.

See, this is why I didn't want to jump into the portal.

Because I knew you weren't listening.

[ominous music]

[both singing indistinctly]

[Miles rapping] ♪ Hot rocks in my pocket And plugs in the socket ♪

♪ I take lives for fun 'Cause my daddy's a bully ♪

♪ But my mom has a gun ♪

Hey, Kayla. Where are you at--

Ugh. Down.

Are you serious?

We're in a world-saving mission in a parallel dimension,

-and you're messaging Jessica? -Yes. Okay?

We're doing all this crazy, life-changing shit, and all I can think about

is Jessica. I love her, man. I...

And I just keep thinking, like, what, what's the point of all this if I don't have her?

Like, what, what am I, what am I doing this for?

Do it for you.

You're fulfilling your cosmic purpose.

You're allowed to be excited about your life, you know?

Well, I'm not, okay? I just...

[breathes heavily]

I don't wanna be alone.

Oh, you don't wanna be alone?

Nobody wants to be alone. I'm alone.

You think I love that? I don't.

But I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't love me.

[birds chirping]

[wind howling softly]

[sighs]

You're my best friend.

-And I have really good taste. -[snickers]

You're gonna be okay. You just, you just gotta... [sighs]

-you just gotta crush those high notes. -[snickers]

All right? Come on. Let's take it from the chorus.

-[Karl] Okay. -And remember, we're only as good as our harmony.

-[Karl] All right. -[Miles clears throat]

[both] ♪ Gangster boys in the hallway ♪

-That's nice. That felt really good. -That's not nothing.

That's not nothing.

[Hank screams]

Damn it, Hank. I told you to go far, far ahead.

[growls]

Ha!

[Hank snarling]

-[splashes] -[eerie screams]

[Hank continues snarling]

-I say we just go through it. -That's a really stupid idea.

What if we go fast, like it's hot coals?

Oh, 'cause it's liquid and we'll fall through

and it'll kill us.

No, we, uh, we gotta go over it.

-Karl's right. -I don't give a shit what you think, Hank!

-[splashes] -[eerie screams]

-[Hank snarling] -Yeah, we gotta go over it.

[slow suspenseful music]

[squeaking]

Oh! [laughs]

Karl!

[grunts]

Down.

Whoo. You saved my life.

-We did lose a lot of blood. -[exhales]

You're welcome.

Let's just, um, let's just keep going.

[snarls softly]

Fall. Fall, you idiot!

Ha.

-[screams] -Dude.

[soft warbling]

Are you feeling, um...

-...s... [voice distorts] super high? -I don't think so.

-[voice speaking distortedly] -What's that? Oh. Thank you.

-[warbling] -[slurping]

Yes.

-Yes, I am. -[distorted voice] That's good.

[both laughing]

[Hank snarling]

Oh, oh. Oh! Miles, hey, hey.

This is what Meemaw was telling us about. We gotta keep going.

Now, that is a stupid idea.

-No. Hey, we gotta go. -[claps]

Okay. Yeah. You're right, we gotta go.

Um, can I just say goodbye real quick, though?

Oh, yeah. Of course.

-[high-pitched] Bye. -[mouse chittering]

[softly] Doing it.

-[Hank snarling] -Okay. Let's go.

-[Karl grunts] -[Miles] Uh, ready? Okay. We're going. All right.

One, two. Yep. We got it. Watch out for the rainbow.

-Yeah. No, I, I see it. -[tinkling]

[foreboding music]

[phone ringing]

[Miles] I'm so tired. Can we just go home?

[Karl] Little late for that, bud.

[birds chirping]

[chittering]

[insects trilling]

[footsteps]

[Karl scatting]

[whizzes]

[distant growling]

[distant bellowing]

Down. Down, down, down, down.

[groaning]

We passed this stump already.

We're lost.

-[breathes heavily] -We're lost. I knew it.

I knew this was gonna happen.

I knew I was gonna fuck up everything like I always do.

Meemaw's gonna be disappointed in me.

-We're gonna kill-- -Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Look.

[voice distorting] We've never done anything like this before, right?

We're not gonna fuck everything up.

We're gonna save the day.

Your skin is crazy.

[gasps]

[Hank screams]

-Hey. -Go away, Hank.

Wait. Why do you do that?

Why do you talk to him like that?

'Cause, I... I mean, look at him.

-[Hank snarls] -Well, yeah, but he clearly found the cave.

Like, he's doing a good job. In fact, you know what?

I think you should say, "Hey, good job."

I will not say, "Hey, good job."

You should say, "Hey, good job."

You should give him a big old thumbs up.

Come on.

-Come on. -Hank.

[snarls]

[laughing] Look how happy that made him!

Yeah!

-[rumbling] -[Karl] Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Come on. We gotta go. We gotta go.

[dramatic music]

[snarling]

There's more of them.

[moaning]

Maybe they're not bad.

-[screams] -Okay, they're bad.

-Okay, let's keep going. Okay. -[Miles shushing]

-[Hank snarling] -[Karl] Okay, okay. Thank you, Hank. Sorry, Hank.

-[Miles shushing] -[Karl] You're okay, baby. You're okay.

-[screams] -[Hank snarling]

-[Miles] Just don't look back. Just don't look back. -[Karl] I don't want a Quittle

in my ass. No, I gotta look back so I don't get a Quittle in my ass.

[Miles] Stop saying it, and it won't happen.

[Karl] Okay, can we just put it down? This has gotta be good.

-Pretty good. -Are we good? Okay.

Okay, okay. [laughs]

-We made it! -[laughing] Yeah!

-What do we do now? -Uh, uh, uh, uh, offer it.

-Uh, how? -I don't know, man.

Your meemaw's instruction sucked ass.

We are here to trade blood for time.

[liquid dripping]

-Okay. We offered. It was our fucking time! -We're gonna die.

[Quittle yelling]

-[Hank snarling] -[Quittle screeching]

Just let them in, Hank.

-God damn it! -[clangs]

[warbling]

That's it. That's it. Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, yeah.

-[grunts] -[laughs]

[Karl panting]

Why are we still here?

'Cause you got all loosey-goosey with the blood and spilled it on your clothes.

-That's not how it happened. -Yes, it is. We gotta wring it out.

Come on. We gotta wring it out.

God damn it!

[Hank snarling]

[Quittle grunts]

Karl, you really let yourself go.

Please don't make me feel self-conscious right now.

Whatever, dad-bod. Let's get squeezing.

[suspenseful dramatic music]

We're out of blood.

[rumbling]

[dramatic music]

[Karl sobbing]

Drink, you son of a bitch!

[echoing]

[high-pitched whining, crackling]

[rumbling]

We fuckin' nailed it!

Let's go!

-Let's go! -[yells]

-[both laughing] -[Hank growls]

[both] Hank!

-[creaking] -Good job.

[suspenseful music]

Oh, no. We're too late.

[Meemaw screaming]

-[gasps] -[thuds]

Meemaw, are you okay?

No. Sweetie, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Your face is back,

and you're objectively... younger.

Oh, you did it. Miles, you did it!

-Did we travel through time? -No.

Sweetie, you helped me get my strength back.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

You know, Karl helped.

-Yeah. Uh, happy to help. -Thank you, Karl.

-Uh, how are, how are, how are you feeling? -Oh, much, much better.

Uh, Meemaw. You, Meemaw, you don't happen to have any, like, uh,

like, an extra-- like, some clothes lying around or anything?

Oh, of course. Um, there's a, there's a box of extra clothes in the guest room.

Why don't you go help him, sweetie?

I'll, uh, I'll see if I can get you boys some soda pops.

I love soda, I love soda pop.

-[Meemaw] Hank? -[snarls]

[exhales]

-Isn't this awesome? -Yeah.

-What? -[quietly] This feels bad.

What do you mean?

I mean, your meemaw just floated in the air

-and roared like a demon. And-- -And what?

[quietly] She's, like, crazy hot now.

Oh, God damn it.

Oh, God damn it. Dude, you wanna fuck my meemaw?

-No. -Yes, you do. I can tell.

-She probably wouldn't even be down. -Yeah,

but you would. And that's the problem.

[grunts] I swear to God, if you tried to fuck my meemaw!

-That's not even the point. Okay. -Promise me.

-Promise me you won't try and fuck my meemaw! -Okay, dude!

Okay. I'm just saying the shit was weird.

-All right? Relax. -No, you relax.

Can you please get me some clothes? I don't wanna stand around here naked

-with you anymore. -Yeah, 'cause you'd rather be standing here naked

anymore with Meemaw.

Here, clothes.

You know, after all that sweet old lady has been through,

the last thing she needs is some dork like you drooling over her

while she saves the world from literal evil!

She's, like, 90, dude.

I'm very disappointed in you.

[Karl grunts]

[owl hooting]

[suspenseful music]

Oh. Very handsome, Karl.

Oh, I didn't realize how filthy you are.

Tsk. Let's get you upstairs in a bath right away.

-If you think that's necessary-- -Oh, sweet baby.

Oh. Look at you. You've got blood all over you.

-There's not even that much blood on me. -I won't hear any of it.

Upstairs, right this instant. Come on.

Hey, you be sure to let us know if another portal opens up, all right?

You got it, Meems. [clicks tongue, chuckles]

[whispering] What?

-[sighs] -[Hank exhales]

Oh. No, no, thank you.

No, no. Thank you. That's very nice, though, Hank.

Thank you. But, no, no, thanks.

[Hank breathing harshly]

[Karl clears throat]

Meemaw, am I right?

[continues breathing harshly]

-Yeah, she's crazy hot. -[whimpers]

[water splashing]

Oh, my brave boy.

I am so very proud of you.

I'm having a blast.

My meemaw's not dead anymore.

Saving humanity with my best bud.

Oh, I'm glad you're having fun, sweetie.

You just be sure to keep an eye on him.

What do you mean?

Stand up.

Hey.

I may look younger, but I'm still your meemaw.

Come on. Up, up.

And, like, I get it, you know? Like, six months is, is very quick.

-But, like, when you know, you know. Right? -[groans]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Hey, you're a really great listener.

[snarls]

Enough about me, though. Uh, tell me about-- little bit--

Why don't we learn a bit about Hank, you know.

Uh, do you like being a demon?

[groaning]

-[Miles] There's something you should know about Karl. -Hm.

He, he pretty much falls in love with every pretty girl that will talk to him.

-So, sorry-- -Oh, honey, I'm not worried about that.

But we do have a lot of work still ahead of us.

And if the Allness can corrupt Karl,

then he could be used to stop us.

No. N-- no, Karl's like family.

Okay, well, he may be like family, but he isn't blood.

Do you think, do you think you'll ever go back to being old Hank?

[groaning]

Well, in the meantime, you know, as long as there's two of you in there,

you can take the carpool lane all by yourself. [laughs]

-[screams] -Whoa. [laughs]

Yeah. Oh, hey, oh.

-[both screaming] -[Karl laughs]

I just worry that he doesn't have what it takes.

Do I?

Look at me.

-Ow! -It was your blood that brought me back.

We are separate, yet we are one.

And I know you have what it takes.

Because you are me and I am you.

-[water splashing] -Spread 'em.

There we go.

Um, okay.

Hey. Oh, hey, I got a question.

-Uh, why do you wanna destroy the world? -[snarling]

-[groaning] -You don't?

Why-- then why did, why did you open the portal?

-[growling] -You didn't?

Well, who, who, who did?

Hank? Not bothering Karl, are you?

Oh, no. Um, no, just, just a couple of boys, just talkin'.

-[Hank snarls, wheezes] -No one's bothering anyone.

Good.

Why don't you go into the kitchen, see if you can find us a snack?

Go ahead.

-[Karl clears throat] -[Meemaw] Thank you.

-[snickers] -[Meemaw chuckles softly]

Uh, where's Miles?

-Oh, he's just getting ready. -For what?

Actually, I'm glad that we have a moment alone together.

Yeah. Uh, totally. Yeah, me too.

I just wanna say thank you.

You've been such a good friend to Miles,

and I can tell that you boys really love each other.

Yeah, well,

I am a lover. [laughs]

But I can also tell that you, you don't trust me.

No. Uh--

It's okay. I mean, I understand.

The floating in the air, portals opening up.

End of the world. It can be a lot to take in.

Yeah, I guess.

The fact is that it's, it's all very real.

And we can't fail.

I need your help.

Yeah. No, I, um, I, I really would love to help.

Good.

It's just that, uh, Hank, um, seemed to indicate, uh, that, um,

that he, he didn't o-- open the portal.

That's because he didn't. I did.

Well... [chuckles nervously] that, that kind of feels like, you, you lied to us.

-[footsteps descending stairs] -It's complicated.

Okay. But l-- lying isn't gonna make--

Who's ready to bitch-slap the apocalypse?

Oh. Doesn't he look handsome?

Totally. Like a dapper child molester.

[Meemaw] Gosh!

[Hank growls]

Oh, useless. Just go sit down.

Ooh, Hank got in trouble.

Hey, no. Leave Hank alone.

Hey, I think you did a great job, bud. Okay?

Let's take a look what you made, all right? Okay.

A stick of butter. That's just smart cooking.

[chuckles] And a, a bird. That's a bird.

-Did you-- Was that a choice, you put the bird in there? -[snarls]

Yeah, sure. Then the power cord, you know.

-Give me a restaurant with some-- -[whooshing]

It's here sooner than I thought. Okay, listen to me very carefully.

-Shh. Listen to her very carefully. -Thank you, Miles.

Okay, I need you to go back into the portal.

But this time, you will be going into the rot.

-Fuck that. -Dude, chill.

We don't have any more options, all right? I need you

-to bring me the blade. -[chuckles] The blade?

You know what? Why are you sending us?

You're the undead ghost witch. Why don't you just go?

It's precisely because I'm not fully alive that I need you to go.

Okay, you know what? I'm sorry. Dude, I know she's your grandma, and she's hot now,

-but this doesn't make any sense. -Will you get with the program?

We are literally saving the world.

Your meemaw just told me that she opened the portal.

-So, why did she lie to us? -[Meemaw] Miles.

-Remember the plan? -I'm s--

Um, the plan? You guys made a plan in there?

No, it's still the original plan.

There was an original plan?

You knew about this.

-Which part? -Any of it.

[Miles sucks teeth]

I mean... y-- yeah, well, sort of.

Look. Look, Meemaw said that I couldn't sell the cabin

until I brought you up here, and we played the cards,

and we drunk out of the skull, and then I opened the portal,

and we brought her back to life, and we did the drinking games--

Okay, okay. So, the-- Every step of the way of the best buds weekend,

you've been manipulating me. You've been lying to me.

Miles, we almost died.

-We were never really gonna die. -And, and when, when did it start?

-Did it start with Jessica? Did you sabotage my proposal? -No. No way.

All so you could sell this goddamned house.

I did not sabotage your proposal with Jessica. I would never do that, ever.

I did do all the other stuff, though.

But, look, it doesn't matter, okay?

I used to think that my destiny

was to be a millionaire investor.

But I was wrong, okay?

Our cosmic purpose is to save the world.

And then sell this place for a shit ton of cash before the bubble bursts.

-Come on, man. We can have it all. -So you used me, right?

Just like every ex of mine that you talk shit about.

You selfish hypocrite.

Boys, the portal. We have to act now.

Dude, I'm sorry, okay? We have to do this.

-We're heroes. It's all gonna work out, you'll see. -Oh, for you, yeah, sure.

And then afterwards, you'll just use me for whatever it is you want next.

Oh, my God, you're living in the past.

And you're living in a fucking fantasy!

Your meemaw is hiding something.

Dude, stop making this about Meemaw, okay?

This is about you and me.

All right? Are you coming with me?

I am not going into the heart of evil

without getting some answers first.

Well, I'm going.

[suspenseful music]

Fuck it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Where'd he go?

Where'd he go? Open it up.

-[sighs] -Open it up. I wanna go with him.

It's too late.

You had your chance. You didn't act.

Now all we can do is hope that he makes it back in one piece.

Miles said you were different.

Turns out you're just like everyone else.

Very disappointing.

Look, I'm very sorry to disappoint you, okay, Meemaw?

But if you just tell me what's going on, you know,

maybe, maybe I can be helpful.

Look, I know you don't trust easily, okay?

Miles told me that you've been through some dark stuff.

[laughs] Dark stuff.

I suppose you could say that.

I was tortured from the moment I was born.

My father would hit me for sport, but

my mother made sure I knew she would beat me

because she hated me.

The way she looked at me.

I learned from a very young age to protect myself and to do so by any means necessary.

So I suppose, for that, I should be forever grateful to them.

You know, when my childhood home burned,

I didn't experience joy.

[screaming]

Or even relief.

[screams]

No.

When the screaming gradually faded,

the only thing I felt was clarity.

Clarity that the only way to stop the suffering

was to destroy the source.

[slow suspenseful music]

So I suppose you think that's all pretty dark?

Yeah. Yeah. Very.

But, I mean, there must have been some good moments, right?

You're not wrong.

I found love. [inhales]

I married Miles's grandfather...

...and that was nice.

Until he died in this very spot.

The only person who ever loved me, gone in an instant.

No goodbyes, no I love yous.

Nothing for me to hold on to except for the unborn child growing inside of me.

I know, I know. I-- Miles told me. I'm so sorry.

And then that child was taken from me.

The only thing I had left of the only person I ever loved,

gone in an instant,

leaving me to suffer alone.

Okay. You know what? You're right. You're right, okay?

Your life was uniquely awful.

And my heart, it breaks for you, Meemaw. It really does.

But that's not everyone's experience.

Oh. You think my life was just some isolated tragedy?

That's because you're afraid of the truth.

See, the truth is, Karl, the darkness did not enter our world.

-The dark is our world. -No.

No, no, no. No, it's not. Okay? What about Hank? Right?

Hank was perfectly happy until you dragged him into this.

Hank? Hank lives alone on this mountain,

boiling eggs and praying for friendship.

Hank's not happy. He's suffering.

So what's the plan, then? You're gonna, you're gonna close the portal

and end all suffering and save the world?

[scoffs]

Sweetie...

...there's nothing left to save.

[gasping]

Gloria, Gloria, Gloria, please don't do this!

-Gloria, please don't do-- [screaming] -[sizzling]

You are evil.

[portal whooshes]

[shivering breaths]

-[Meemaw] Miles. -Oh, my God. My heavenly God.

-My heavenly God. -What happened?

Wait, my boy. Did you get--

-My heavenly God. -What happened?

-My heavenly God. -[Karl] What...

...heavenly God, my heavenly God, my heavenly God.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Here. Okay. Wait. Here.

Sit down, sit down, sit down. Sit down, sit down, sit down.

-Hey, what happened? -Don't touch me, man.

-Fuck! -Okay, okay, okay.

Hey, where, where did you go?

Spiders. There were giant spiders everywhere,

and they were all trying to have sex with me.

There was nowhere to hide.

Every day I'd see these spiders with their soggy webbing

and their giant, endless hairy legs

rubbing each other until they got hard. And then they come for me.

-They'd come for me with their... hissing song. -[chittering]

What, what do you mean, "every day"? You were only gone a minute.

It wasn't a minute where I was!

It was 187 days.

I know that 'cause I kept track on the wall of the cave they kept me in.

A 187 days of vigorous, creative, terrifying spider sex.

Oh, my God. How did you get out?

-The queen. -[acoustic guitar note plays]

The queen liked chocolate and dancing.

Two things I'm great at, so then...

-I can't talk! -Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. We don't have to talk about it.

-[ominous sting] -What, now you care?

You let your so-called best friend go into harm's way without you.

Let him? You're the one who sent your grandson

into a spider gangbang, you crazy hag.

My grandson has the courage to save this entire planet, you witless coward!

Look, dude, you don't wanna hear this, but you need to.

Your meemaw isn't trying to save the world. She's going to end it.

This is just what I warned you about, Milesey.

He's sick. The Allness has taken him.

I just watched your meemaw stab Hank with a poker.

-Then he probably deserved it. -What?

-Dude. -No. She's right.

I needed you, and you just watched.

We're saving the world.

-We're heroes. -That's right, my boy.

And now we can end this. We have everything we need.

[couch creaking]

[slow suspenseful music]

[Karl breathing heavily]

We have to stop this.

You had your chance to be useful.

"Useful"?

[slow foreboding music]

[chanting in other language]

[whooshes]

[speaking English] It's open.

[whooshes]

[dramatic music]

[Miles] Karl!

He won't get far.

Hank, get him cleaned up.

[panting]

[Meemaw] You cannot run from me.

[soft chanting]

[grunts]

[whimpers, screams]

Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

[Meemaw] Where do you think you're going?

[goats bleating]

[warbling]

[crackling]

[gasps, panting]

Hey. Hey, hey, what do we do? We gotta stop her. How do we stop her?

They're fantastic eggs, Hank, yes, but now's not really a good time for them, okay?

They're not so-- You don't have to waste them. I'm gonna grab--

[insects chirping]

[snarling]

[breathing heavily]

Let me up.

Miles, what are you doing?

What the fuck is going on here?

[grunting] Hello?

Why are you dressed like monks?

I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but it's the only way.

What is? What are you talking about?

A sacrifice of love is the final step.

You're gonna sacrifice me?

Oh, Miles. What?

I'm sorry. You don't understand.

-But we're going to be heroes. -No, asshole! We're gonna be dead.

Listen to me. Your meemaw isn't going to save the world.

-She's gonna destroy it. -No, she's not.

The world has already destroyed itself.

We are just ending the suffering.

I knew it. I told you, dude,

your meemaw's fuckin' whack.

We're ending this suffering.

We're saving everything.

You're not gonna save anything.

Sacrifice him, my boy. It's all that's left to do.

-[foreboding music] -[grunts]

-The cabin will be a monument to your bravery. -There isn't gonna be

-a cabin, moron. -Meemaw, will you please explain--

[in otherworldly voice] Just forget about the fucking cabin, all right?

[in normal voice] We are trying to rid the universe of the plague of humanity.

You're chatting about fucking property! Just kill him, already.

[breathing heavily]

-So you were lying about the cabin the whole time? -Yes!

-Miles, she used you. -What about the horny spiders?

She let those spiders fuck you for nothing.

-And where was Karl? -This isn't some righteous mission, okay?

She's gonna burn it all down because she's angry her life sucked.

I just...

-W-- what about Hank? -[snarls]

Why can't we sacrifice him?

No, Hank!

[gurgles, growls]

-Why did you do that? -Hank was insignificant.

You, you know what you have to do.

-I have to kill the person I love. -[Karl] Miles.

It's the only way.

-I gotta save the world. -Then stop her.

-Nobody can stop me now. -Hey.

You know I'm right. Right?

You know I'm right.

No, no, Karl. Just shut up. Just shut up, okay?

I have to do this. I, I, I have to do this.

-Please, Miles. You don't have to do this. -[whispers] Make the sacrifice.

Fulfill your destiny.

-Make the sacrifice. -[Karl] Miles, I'm begging you.

[breathing heavily]

I'm going to enjoy watching the light leaving your eyes.

-[stabs] -[gasps]

[somber music]

[both groan softly]

We are separate, yet we are one.

What have you done?

A fucking hero move!

[Meemaw gasping]

[distant screaming]

[music intensifies]

[rumbling]

[Karl breathing heavily]

[birds chirping]

Miles.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,

-ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. -Uh...

Uh, does it hurt?

Yes, Karl, it fucking hurts.

Stupid question. It was a stupid question.

I could have stabbed myself anywhere,

and I chose literally the worst possible place.

-Good one, Miles. Fucking idiot. -Uh, do you wanna sit down?

-No, no. I'm fine. -[squelching]

-Oh, maybe. [muttering] -Okay, okay, okay, okay. All right, all right.

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

Okay, okay.

-Okay, okay. All right. -[exhales]

Uh, you comfortable? Is that good?

No, no, but, but I'm fine. I mean, I'm not fine.

I'm never gonna be fine.

[breathing heavily]

You were right about Meemaw.

You were right about everything.

I've been a bad, selfish friend.

No, no, no. Hey, look.

You just did the most selfless act

anyone could ever do, okay?

Hey, you saved my life.

You saved the world.

[gurgling]

[somber music]

-I did, huh? -[softly] Yeah.

-Will you promise me something? -Name it.

[groans, coughs]

-Sorry, uh, death stuff. -That's okay. [sniffles]

I want you to sell this place before the bubble bursts.

And it's gonna be hard 'cause...

[sputters]

...'cause you're gonna have to disclose the murder that took place here.

You got it.

And I want you to promise me you'll make Kid Score.

'Cause it's a really good idea.

-I'll try. -Promise!

Okay. Okay. I promise. I promise.

[exhales]

And then one more thing.

That's a lot to promise.

Just love yourself, man,

'cause you're gonna get your family, and your house,

and everything you ever wanted.

But you gotta remember to love yourself.

[music continues]

[sniffles] Promise.

Miles, I want you to know something, man. [inhales]

You're the best friend that I've ever had in my life.

I love you, man.

You're welcome.

[Miles grunts]

I'm gonna die now.

[sniffles] Okay, buddy.

This is my last breath.

[takes deep breath]

-No, I missed it. -Oh, my God.

-[exhales, sniffles] -[birds chirping]

I'm going to jail for sure.

[soft whooshing]

[gentle music]

[Karl exhales]

[Karl] Whoo.

Oh, shit. Okay.

You're okay. You're okay. You're okay. You're okay.

Okay.

Okay.

[exhales]

[cell phone chimes]

Hey, Jessica, it's Karl. No, p-- please don't, don't hang up, don't hang up, don't hang up--

Uh, there's, uh, there's, there's something I gotta say.

Okay? All right, uh...

[sighs]

I just wanna say...

...I, I get it.

You know, I, I get why you don't wanna marry me. [sighs]

I've, I've spent my whole life just staring at this image of some perfect future.

And I think I became so obsessed with it

that I stopped caring who was in it with me, you know.

Like, a-- as if, as if, just,

it's the idea of it that was gonna make me happy, you know,

which is... you know, bullshit.

Obviously it's bullshit, but, um, honestly, I just...

...I just wanna thank you for, uh, for calling me out.

And I'm really sorry for wasting your time.

And I'm sorry for this Mooman thing.

I don't know if you've seen it, but I'm, uh, just--

I'm very sorry for that, and...

...I think, most of all, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry that I...

...I'm sorry that I didn't love myself enough.

You know, I... [sighs]

And I'm gonna work on that. And, and who knows, you know, maybe,

maybe someday I will have that family and that,

that perfect life, and a wife, and kids, and dog, and whatever, and, and, uh...

I don't know, maybe that's with you and, and probably it's not, right, but... [chuckles]

but the one thing I know is I am going to love myself first.

[chuckles]

Huh.

I guess new Karl says it like it is, huh? [chuckles]

Anyway, I, I've taken enough of your time,

so I-- I'm gonna let you go.

Goodbye, Jessica.

[cell phone chimes]

[exhales]

Yeah.

-Yeah, that's how I'll say that. -["Wow" by Jane Leo]

Tomorrow, I'll, I'll-- tomorrow, I'll call her. Or, like, maybe I won't. I don't know.

♪ All my friends don't know They're communists ♪

♪ Even though It's so damn obvious ♪

♪ Play their part And wear their party dress ♪

♪ Tick-tick-tock Ready or not ♪

♪ Last chance For the life you want ♪

♪ Oh, wow All I can say is wow ♪

♪ There is no getting out ♪

♪ Oh, wow All I can say is wow ♪

♪ We've really done it now ♪

♪ Don't ask why And stay oblivious ♪

♪ Bigger shack To put more shit in it ♪

♪ Natural AstroTurf's Luxurious ♪

♪ Tick-tick-tock Ready or not ♪

♪ Look at all The useless things you bought ♪

♪ Oh, wow All I can say is wow ♪

♪ There is no getting out ♪

♪ Oh, wow We've really done it now ♪

♪ All I can say is wow ♪

♪ Oh, wow ♪

♪ Oh, wow ♪

♪ My sister's got corona And my brother's got a boner ♪

♪ And this Jet ski is a loner ♪

♪ I hope to be its owner ♪

♪ We masturbate to screens ♪

♪ We're all chasing Futile dreams ♪

♪ We're addicted To the silver screens ♪

♪ Contort reality ♪

♪ Oh, don't take it away I'm feeling nuclear today ♪

♪ My mama gave me trauma My dad's a runaway ♪

♪ Oh, something I can't see It means nothing to me ♪

♪ Oh, blame it On my good fortune ♪

♪ Victim mentality ♪

-♪ Oh ♪ -[song stops]

-[keys jangling] -[door creaks]

[birds cawing]

Now, obviously, place needs work.

But, I mean, it's, it's got really good bones.

[scoffs] Yeah, if that's what you wanna call it.

[whooshing]

[in otherworldly voice] Who is it that disturbs the-- [coughs]

[in normal voice] Sorry. Sorry. I was trying to mess with you, but then I realized

I was scarier than I thought I was gonna be.

Wow. You're very scared.

Tell you what, I'm gonna leave you alone.

I just have to know real quick.

How much did you buy this place for?

-Not much. -[woman breathing shakily]

The bubble had burst.

Ah! Fucking Karl! Damn it.

-[foreboding music] -Hey, new family.

Hank. Also trapped here for all eternity.

Yada yada yada. If you ever want some of my famous eggs,

just think about them, and then, poof! [chuckles]

-Hank, go away. They don't want your eggs. -They're better than you think.

-I promise. -I'm not-- Uh, they're actually delicious.

-They're actually delicious. -They are, but,

-you know-- -It's a whole thing. It's, it's--

-Yeah, yeah. -It's a weird conversation starter.

-We have a past. [chuckles] -Is Bernadette Peters

still alive in that realm?

-We're bugging you. We're bugging you. -You know what, this is weird.

-We're killing the vibe. -You don't like it. We're gonna go.

-We're gonna go. -We'll surprise you next time.

[rumbles, whooshes]

[woman breathing shakily]

-[eerie music] -[soft chanting]

[eerie sting]

[foreboding music]

[dramatic music fades in]

[soft chanting]

[music fades]

[gentle music]

[music fades]