Original subtitles

Gabe?

Can she use the bathroom first?

I really gotta pee.

Yeah, sure.

She's company, Gabe.

I'll be back.

Come back.

You didn't have to stay out all night. I fell asleep in the hall.

I thought Judy was coming back from Paris tonight.

That's right. Remember, I need the apartment tonight, all right?

No problem.

Penny, Penny Twitty in Paffenberger. Vivian Paffenberger's office. Gabriel

speaking. Hey, babe.

Catherine. Are you busy?

So busy.

Good. Can you talk?

Sure. So that cute guy we met at Footlight Records took me to dinner.

Oh, that's great. Oh, my God, babe. Dress rehearsal totally sucked. That's

luck, right?

No, he took me to dinner because he wanted me to play piano for one of his

auditions for the national tour of Titanic.

It wasn't a date. I'm such a scum. Can you run lines with me? Sure.

Just a sec.

Oh, great.

Okay.

Who is he, the son of man?

Is he as beautiful as you are, Jokinen?

Get thee behind me. I hear in the palace the beating of the wings of the angel

of death.

Jokinen. Who speaketh?

I am amorous of your mouth, Jokinen.

It is like a pomegranate cut in twain with a knife of ivory. There is nothing

the world so red as your mouth.

Suffer me to kiss your mouth.

Don't tell me.

Don't tell me.

You better tell me.

Never, daughter of Babylon.

Daughter of Sodom. Never.

This leads to go out this afternoon.

Never. Gotta go. Call me later.

Can you find my time card?

Hey. Our day at the office?

Did you find a rhyme for the lyric in the second A? I'm working on it.

What's with the umbrella?

What am I supposed to sing? Should I hum or what?

Yeah, yeah, hum.

Or maybe la -la -la?

Fine. I'll wing it. Are we in Studio D? Because I hate the acoustics that I

wouldn't do to my voice.

Okay, this is the song for the second act of my musical.

It will be sung by the character of...

Yeah, yeah.

Once again, my friend, Captain Lamberg, will be singing the part of Dorcas the

Maid.

Oh, and she brought her picture and a resume in case anyone's interested.

I will be reading the part of Rodrigo in stage directions.

Okay, okay.

Rodrigo's just finished his big ballad, A Plaza Plaza Five.

That's some story.

It would take a miracle for me to ever love again.

But miracles can happen.

I've never seen one.

Never? Well, not for a very long time.

Buck up, Rodrigo. I think you're just about due for a miracle.

I've heard that all the world is staged And we are only

players acting out some predetermined page But it

is lonely as can be

Intermission seems to

I thought my storyline was through

Gabriel, I really liked it.

Thanks, but do you think this is how the maid would really behave?

Well, this isn't reality.

I mean, we're talking about a maid who belts you flat here.

I mean, you don't have people walking down the street and bursting into song

dancing, right? Except maybe in the West Village.

Just kidding. Anyway, Gabriel, you made your point, but it's still important

that the writer tell the truth.

I mean... Enter you. I don't know.

I mean, she's just been kissed.

Have you captured that feeling you get after a really great kiss, the best kiss

you ever had?

It's exciting and terrifying and sexy, and maybe you think you could fall in

love. You know what I mean?

Well, you know, Rodrigo and Dorcas just met.

I mean, if we were talking about how people really behave, I mean, I can't

them falling in love on the first night. I mean, that wouldn't be believable.

Well, not if you don't believe it.

I mean, why is she singing this?

Would you sing it?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

I hope I didn't embarrass you in there.

No more than I embarrass myself presenting this song.

He gets funny when his songs don't go over on the first try.

Don't do that.

He's got a coffee at home. Listen, the best advice anybody ever gave me, I was

writing a libretto for a musical version of Satirica.

And I was having a little trouble getting into, you know, ancient Rome

Sex orgies, bestiality. This was in college.

So this professor tells me that I should wear silk underpants and eat

pomegranate seeds out of a goblet.

Silk underpants. It changed everything, Gabriel.

You gotta grab life by the balls. You gotta try for the unexpected. It's the

only way to get the good stuff.

They're just jealous.

It didn't flop.

I know what a flop feels like, and this definitely was a flop.

You're too sensitive. Forget about it.

So I put a ticket for my show tonight under your name. Now, it's a con, so

let them intimidate you into paying.

Okay. Okay, um, can you put this in your backpack?

Yeah.

What do you want to do now?

Um, I don't know. What's that?

It's something someone gave me.

A gay bar that charges three bucks for a Diet Coke.

I will see you at your show, okay, Catherine?

Where are you going? I thought we could grab a chicken Caesar and cozy soup and

burger.

What?

I said, hey.

Hey.

What do you do?

What do I do?

Writer.

What do you write?

Musicals.

I feel really lame telling people that, because it makes me seem like a queen.

Which I don't think I am.

But it wouldn't matter if I was anyway.

Except I'm not.

You got a boyfriend?

No.

Would I be here if I had a boyfriend?

Well, I've got one.

Really?

Where is he?

Is that home?

You want to come over?

We don't live far from here.

I think I see a friend.

coke with lime.

Do you do that?

What?

Are you a go -go boy?

I used to be.

Too much beer.

Uh -huh.

But you'll see me up there again someday.

other stuff.

Shove off, baby.

That's all you're getting from me tonight.

Can you do the other stuff?

No.

Not since I found Jesus.

Do you live around here?

Yeah.

Yeah, but my roommate will be back in about two hours.

You can do a lot in two hours.

Uh... Hi.

I'm Gabriel.

Mark. I'm Mark.

Mark.

Wow.

This is really awkward. Huh?

I said this is awkward.

Which way?

Which floor are you on?

Five.

Just one more flight.

This is it.

I get the stick sometimes.

Baby scared me. Trixie.

Catherine.

Trixie. I hope you're not allergic.

Why are you here?

I left three messages. I'm using your computer, updating my resume.

Oh.

What are you guys up to?

Just hanging out.

Well, I need to get to my show as soon as this is done printing.

Is this a bad idea?

No, no. It's a good idea.

Really.

Hi, I'm Katherine Lamberg. I'm an actress.

Mark.

We don't have any chairs, so...

Maybe I should go. No, no.

This won't take too long.

Catherine, how many resumes are you printing?

150.

I'm in an all -female production of Salome set in a women's penitentiary.

non -equity.

That sounds great.

Really?

I'm a slave. I understand John the Baptist.

There's a performance tonight at midnight. Maybe you could come with

Maybe.

You two are roommates?

No. But we're very close.

I even take care of his dog, Trixie.

I live with this guy, Rich.

He's straight.

Gabe, I talked to my mother.

She called you my boyfriend again. Isn't that funny?

That's funny.

She still calls you that even though we haven't been dating since high school.

We weren't really dating.

We'll ask anyone from El Camino if they'll say we were. We went to one prom

when I thought I was.

Thought he liked girls then.

Whoops.

I know, and I was always wondering why I was making the first move. I thought it

was me.

I told my mother Gabriel's gay, and she was like, oh, really? You never said.

And I was like, didn't I mention he's a musical theater writer? Hello, did I

just spell it out for you?

That was a million years ago.

You know what Gabe used to call me? Catherine.

Puss. You're so kooky.

I had this James Bond thing, you know, Octopussy, Pussy Galore.

I didn't like it when other people said it.

But it was okay when Gabe called me puss or puss -puss or pussy.

Actually, I didn't really like pussy.

Do you have any nicknames?

Beer can.

Did you used to drink a lot in college?

Gabe's writing a part for me in his musical, The Maid. It's actually a very

part. It's really good.

I sing all his songs. He's a wonderful writer. So very talented.

I don't know how I feel about writing musicals right now.

I just know you're going to be the next Andrew Lloyd Webber or Stephen Sondheim

or something.

I spent the last eight years of my life writing in a genre that's been dying a

slow death since Gypsy.

He's a golden boy. He really is. You love musicals.

I used to.

Musicals are way too contrived and phony and campy and stupid.

I don't even know why I write them.

You write songs?

Mm -hmm.

The music, too?

Uh, yeah.

And you...

Play the piano?

Let's do a number.

No. Oh, just one. He'll love it. His songs are so great.

Catherine, I don't think that Mark's interested in my songs.

Do one.

Really? Yeah, I'd like to hear one.

See?

All right, one number, and then you're leaving. Okay.

Cross your heart?

Cross my heart? God, I have to get to my show anyway. Oh, this is so fun.

I tell you, if Harold Prince heard this...

I've

heard that all the world's a stage And we are only players acting

out some predetermined page Trixie!

But it is lonely as can be Shh! Trixie!

With nobody opposite

No, I sing his songs.

You were singing with her.

I was? Yeah.

Sing it.

Well, Catherine usually... I'll sing along with you. Let him do it alone.

Oh, okay.

I heard that all the world... No, just where she left off.

Enter you while I hit showtime.

You brought the house down with a dun -dun -dun -dun -diddy.

Enter you in less than no time.

I, uh, still have to figure out this part.

Up went the curtain.

I've got it.

Hello? Gabriel?

Yeah?

Barry, how's it going?

I was feeling, you know, a little torchy, a little shantoozy, so I

a piano bar and thought I'd belt out some of my better numbers for a bunch of

boozy old fairies. I knew you wouldn't want to miss that.

Wow, thanks.

But Catherine's opening in a show tonight.

Oh, I understand.

But, you know, you could stop by later, after her show. I'll probably be here

until pretty late. You know where 88's is, right?

Yeah, it's around the corner from that play you took me to, the one with...

Louganis, right. Right.

Great. Okay. Bye.

Bye.

Friend, you should sing more.

Thanks.

It's done.

No, it's not. It ran out of paper.

No.

Babe.

He's a go -go boy.

Oh.

Well, I'm going. Your name's on the complex. You're going to be there,

Yeah. Rich is coming back soon, okay?

One or two.

What? One, two tickets.

Well, is the go -go boy coming to my show? I don't know.

But we never won.

Hmm.

You know, now that my show's opening, I won't have to rehearse so much.

Maybe we can finally go see Helen Reddy sing at Rainbow Star. It's going to be a

blast.

Okay, great.

Great.

Bye, babe.

You're really cute.

Maybe if I plug the piano, I could relax.

Whatever.

Keep playing.

What if you went over here?

Where?

Down here.

What do you want me to do down there?

I've always wanted someone to go down on me when I was playing the piano.

Oh, my God, I can't believe I just told you that.

I've never told anyone that.

You want to do it?

I'll just scoot out so you can get in.

Trixie. Trixie.

Yeah, girl.

Backyard.

Out in the backyard. Good girl, Trixie.

Are you uncomfortable?

It's okay.

What?

I don't know what to play.

Does it matter?

Sorry.

Do you like show tunes?

I'm a little too nervous about classical.

It's your fantasy.

Well, in my fantasy, I take requests.

Gabriel,

you just got music in your phone.

What's going on?

I need the apartment.

Mark wanted to hear my song.

You're early, and I need the apartment.

You've been in France all summer.

Yeah, and you're early.

And I told you I needed the apartment tonight.

Can we talk about this in the bathroom?

Please, I only need an hour.

Please, please, please, Rich, because I really, really want to do this. I'm

really, really into him.

It's not like I get to do this very often. And I slept out in the hall last

night. Look,

Gabe.

What Judy and I have is special.

Special? And I get the impression that you disrespect the love that Judy and I

share, and that hurts.

I expect from my parents they don't know, but you...

This is really hard for me, Rich.

I don't know how to meet people.

I get really weird, and I make it more important than it should be.

Can't you do this tomorrow night? She's been in France all summer. You can't ask

a one -night stand to come back tomorrow night.

Let's flip, come on.

Flip?

dance i have a token

what are you looking for condom you want new york city transit authority

or good for one fair good for one fair

Where do you live?

Brooklyn.

Oh. Yeah, but let's not go all the way out there.

You have a boyfriend or something? No, but it's not really my apartment.

You see, I rent the room from this old woman, and she doesn't like me bringing

guys back to the place. You know, if you're not into this, I totally

No, I am.

I am.

Well, what about Wonder Bar?

What do we want to go to a bar for?

Right.

Right.

Yeah, I usually don't go to bars.

Well, I did tonight, but... Well, I go to bars, but not a lot.

I used to think that I didn't like gay people, but now I actually think that I

do like gay people.

It's just, there was a time that I felt like I wasn't one of them.

You know, culturally.

You suck dick, right?

Well, yeah.

Yeah, but what I mean is I don't have bleach hair, and I don't look good in

lycra, and I don't work out much.

You ever had a boyfriend?

Well, I wouldn't call him a boy.

He was actually something totally random. You know, I met him in the

was really cute and had this Italian accent, which I love.

I totally love guys with accents, you know?

I mean, I was nuts.

I mean, I was totally goofy for this guy.

But then, you know, one day, we just stopped having things to talk about.

And I stopped calling him to see if he'd call me, and he didn't.

It was probably better anyways. I mean, I didn't have a bedroom.

I mean, what... The use of having a boyfriend if you don't have a bedroom,

right?

Besides, I started getting this nagging feeling, you know, you're lying to me

all the time.

I don't think he was Italian.

I actually think he was Puerto Rican.

Something. Well, Gabe, maybe I should get going.

Uh, wait.

Wait.

I do know this one guy from my writer's workshop.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe we could go to his place.

Great. Call him.

He's not at home, actually. He's at a piano bar.

I told my friend the writer.

How happy I would be if he'd write an opening number especially for me.

But when he had it finished, it came with quite a shock.

He handed me a song titled, How Do You Like My... I said you can't do that in

public. I said even I wouldn't dare.

So he made a few small changes.

Now I can sing it anywhere.

Como te gusta mi pinga en tus pantalones.

Como te gusta mi pinga en mis cojones.

It's the same old thing in the same old hole, but when you say it in Espanol, it

sounds bad.

Como te gusta mi pinga, es muy caliente.

Como te gusta mi pinga, es grande, es lente.

You don't go around shouting, you're well hung. But when you do it in another

tongue, it's just fine.

When the hour's late and I don't have a date and I feel that I can't go on, I

lift up my head and I stick out my chin and I talk like Montalbán.

Como se gusta mi pinga?

It sounds so neat -o.

Like a warm quesadilla or a pork.

burrito.

It's the same old cheese and the same old meat, but when it has a Latin beat,

it's okay.

Como te gusta mi pinga?

Ole!

Aye, aye!

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

And thank you to my favorite piano man, Mr. Lexus Sinclair.

This makes me seem really desperate, and I kind of am.

Anyway, it's a long, pathetic story that you don't want to hear, but I met this

guy, and we don't have a place to go.

Oh, I want to hear this story. Where is he?

He's cute.

He's a go -go boy. No.

I can't believe I'm asking you this. What?

But you've got your place to yourself now, right?

Gabriel. Trev, of course you can use my co -op, your little love annex. Someone

should. But you've got to promise not to break anything, okay?

Okay.

Gabriel tells me you're a go -go boy. That must be fun.

It's a blast.

So how often do you participate in Three Ways or Four G's? Perry, I'm doing

research. For what? My Casanova musical, Mark, Three Ways or Four G's.

Uh, sometimes.

What kind of guys do you usually pick up? Do you hustle?

No. I don't hustle.

I bet you wouldn't object if I flipped a ten spot in your undies.

Okay. So what's your type?

It varies.

Interesting, interesting. They aren't all like Gabriel, then.

Once I dated this guy from Yale. Yeah? He was in the glee club.

A whippin' poof!

You heard of him? I can't resist a lyric baritone. In fact, I've dated three

whippin' poofs, four tiger tones, a crocodilo, and two members of the Mormon

Tabernacle Choir.

So you liked him as whippin' poof.

Yeah, he was really great.

I bet you broke his heart. All Casanovas do.

Oh, you know.

Be careful with a musician's heart.

We're fragile.

So can me and Gabe go back to your place and screw around?

My apartment's just up in Chelsea.

Would it be okay if you used the futon in the living room? I feel a little

about the bed.

It's fine.

How long do you expect this might take? I mean, I wasn't planning on coming back

yet. I could go out and let you in and then go back out for maybe two hours. To

tell you the truth, I wanted to get out tonight.

We just broke up with his boyfriend.

Sorry. No, no, I don't want any sympathy. I just want to forget about

It's good you boys are coming over, you know. My place hasn't seen any action

for two weeks, but I wanted it. You dumped him? No.

He dumped you? No, I made him dump me.

We were crying, and he asked me what I wanted, and I said, I want you to break

up with me.

I didn't expect him to do it. Three years. I'm single for the first time in

three years.

God, I want him back.

What am I saying? I don't want to see him again.

Just his sweaters.

I bought most of those sweaters anyway. Before he met me, he had two decent

sweaters. Well, three.

Maybe four.

Let's not talk about this, okay? Let's not talk about it.

Gabriel presented his song in class today. That peach who sings your song?

is she loud.

I told him he needed to grab life by the balls, but I never expected... Well,

just look at you.

You know, that song is very good, though.

Thanks. Now, pastiche -y, but I like that. How's that begin again? The verse?

Yeah, how's that go?

I've heard that all the way... Cut it. No one wants to hear that.

Cut the verse. Honey, get it out of there. Just go to the chorus. That's the

part.

What about all the setup?

Gabriel, songwriters have been doing the verse -chorus thing forever.

It's tired. Be a maverick. What's the function of a verse? To kill time till

get to the chorus. During the verse, we wait, we wait, we wait. We are waiting

for the chorus. Just give us what we want.

Chorus, chorus, chorus.

God, there he is.

Sorry, Gabriel. He's cuter.

What is it?

My accent. Please let him see me. Please let him see me. Please, please.

What?

Perry?

Oh, hi.

Hey, how have you been?

Really great.

What a haircut.

Yeah. What's that?

Thanks. I don't want to interrupt.

Oh, no, you're not.

Nice to see you.

I'd like to talk to you sometime.

Hi, I'm Mark.

Hi, Mark.

How you doing? I've been better.

You don't?

Meeting this guy has been one of the luckiest things that ever happened to

Really? Are you two dating?

Dating?

Him? No.

We're not dating.

Absolutely. Not in the romantic sense.

I mean, this thing between us is purely animal.

Right, stud?

He's an animal.

I see.

Yeah, but... We discovered we're both out now, Tom.

So we're making the rounds tonight, looking for a couple of hot bottoms.

We got one.

Hi. Did I say you could talk?

No. No what?

No thank you. No sir.

No sir.

He's still in training.

You're still staying with that choreographer?

Yeah. I haven't found a place yet.

We should talk.

Can I come over?

It's okay.

Work this out.

Talk. Yeah, talk.

Sir.

That was nice.

What?

That. What you just did.

I didn't do anything.

Come on.

Ten minutes, ladies.

Oh, my God.

Everyone, I know it's here tonight.

Oh, how sweet. You have to read this.

They're from an old boyfriend of mine. Oh, I wonder if he knows that my new

boyfriend is here tonight, too.

Oh, my God.

Oh, give those to her.

Have a great show, everyone.

I think I know who these are from.

Who? Gabriel.

Oh, is that your boyfriend?

They're for you.

Oh, no. That's okay. There's no more room. You can keep them.

Rich. What?

She's watching us.

Who is?

Tixie.

So?

I think she's lonely. No, she's not lonely. She's... I want to feed her.

She looks hungry.

Do you have any menus?

I think I'm hungry.

You're always hungry.

You're always horny.

Hey.

Eat with me.

Don't we need our hands there? No.

Fits next thing.

You never call me. Yep.

Want something to drink?

No, thanks.

Crowded. Aren't you hot?

No. No.

Woman, hear me roar.

Number two.

Cause it only hurts to make me more determined to achieve my

final goal.

And I come back even stronger.

Yes, I paid the price.

But look how much I gained.

I better get laid. That's all I'm saying. It shouldn't be too hard.

Hi.

I got a tattoo yesterday.

What? A tattoo on my ass. You gotta see it. It's so cool.

It's hot in here. Are you hot? Down, boy.

You're wasted.

Totally trashed. I can see that. Do you need to sit?

No, I want to stand here with you.

And you.

Oh, I forgot to put ointment on it.

My tattoo.

So cool.

The sailor. Total.

I can't see him without a mirror.

Where's the bathroom? What?

The bathroom!

What a drag. Girl needs to loosen up. Yo, leave him alone.

Let's get out of here before he comes back. Dino. A friend invited me to a

in Tribeca. Yeah, which friend?

Some rich guy.

Look, I'm not into hanging out with a bunch of party burnouts. It's not like

that, baby. It's yummy.

It's yummy.

Are you and Mark boyfriend?

I'm sorry?

What's your name?

Uh, Gabriel.

Gabriel.

As in, blow Gabriel, blow?

I've heard that before.

Yeah, well.

I'm Miss Coco Peru.

Hello.

Hi. Oh.

So, is Mark your boyfriend, or just a trick?

I don't know what we are.

Oh,

I've heard that before.

Oh, Gabriel.

Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel.

Look, I'm not one to gossip.

It's not my nature.

Truth. Truth.

Now that's my nature.

Can you stand over there?

A little peace sign? Oh, don't worry.

Miss Poco's here to help.

Gabriel, you look like a nice person. And you do.

So, as a truth seeker, I feel it's my duty to tell you that Mark is a no good

fucking piece of rat shit.

Don't get me wrong.

He's handsome.

He's charming.

Huge penis.

Huge penis.

Oh, believe me, Gabriel. I know.

I know.

Ida. I'd really like to hear this, but could you... Turn around?

Sure.

Yeah, I remember the first time I met him. Oh, yeah. It was two years ago, Gay

Pride Day.

I was on the train going home from the festivities, and he was sitting across

from me, sleeping.

But he wasn't really sleeping. Oh, no.

He was pretending to sleep because he knows he looks like an angel when he's

sleeping and not the Antichrist he really is.

And even though I could tell he was faking, I went along with it.

Calling me crazy, I don't know.

Anyway, we started talking, and he gives me some line about some old lady he

lives with, and he asked if he could go back to my place.

I told him, I don't invite strangers up to my apartment.

And then he looks down at his crotch and then back up at me, and he says, it's

big, it's beautiful, and you're going to love it.

And I said, oh, all right.

And as he walked me back to my apartment on that gay night of night, he

took my hand gently into his.

And for a moment, I felt like the luckiest drag queen in the world.

And I fantasized, yes, this is it.

This is the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

I'd be the one to show him the virtues of a loving heart.

But do you know what he did?

He took that heart, he tossed it on the floor, and with his little Satan hose,

he jumped hard.

He jumped hard.

The truth is, Gabriel, when we got back to my apartment, he grabbed me, he threw

me on the bed, he tore up all my clothes. Will you hold on one goddamn

Jesus Christ.

Now I forgot where I was.

Where was I?

He threw you on the bed, tore off all your clothes.

Right, right.

So I'm looking at the ball.

Next thing I know, he comes in my eye and he's out the door.

Gone. You ever get cum in your eye, Gabriel, hmm?

It burns.

So, there I was, lying in the middle of my bed, completely naked, with an eye

full of cum, thinking to myself, oh, oh.

Next day, when I called the number he'd given me earlier, it was the Brooklyn

Botanical Garden. And would you believe?

They never even heard of a Mark Miranda.

But am I bitter?

Absolutely.

Let's face it, Gabriel.

You were just another little phone number on a dirty cocktail napkin shoved

the bottom of his pocket.

Good boy.

But do what you will.

I only offer you this information because I'm a giver.

Who knows?

Maybe someday we'll meet again and I'll be able to look at you and say, Gabriel.

Gabriel.

Oof.

I told you so.

It's totally sick, right? Sick.

I'm blam, baby.

You don't even know how blam I am.

Want me?

I told

you.

Good night,

Dino. I'm going.

Where do

you

work out?

And with someone.

Hey. Hey.

Why are you sitting in the hall?

Why'd you come back?

You're upset.

No, no, I'm not upset.

We shouldn't have gone there.

No, no.

No, it was good we went, really.

You didn't need to come back. Yes, I did.

Can we go in and talk?

They're, uh, they're still going at it.

Oh. Yeah, so you should probably, you should probably go home.

I can't.

I think I left my keys in your apartment.

Yeah, who is it?

It's Gabe.

We're not finished.

Can you come to the door? I need to talk.

Yeah?

Sorry.

What do you need?

Mark thinks he left his keys.

Judy, did you see some keys?

Where'd you leave them?

I don't know. Maybe near the bed.

I don't see them. Maybe you guys should just come in and look.

Okay. It'll be faster that way.

No, you're not coming in.

Rich, he can't go home until he finds your keys.

All right, all right, but you better be gone by the time I'm out of the

bathroom. All right.

Hi, Gabriel.

Hi.

Can you help us look?

Well, where would they be?

I'm not sure.

Gabriel.

Did you guys just meet each other tonight?

Yeah. Can we make this as fast as possible?

And you want to do each other?

Yeah.

Gabriel, how do you know you can trust this guy? You don't really know a thing

about him.

You're right. I don't know him at all.

I think it's kind of a turn -on, don't you?

Anonymous sex. It's pretty hot.

Yeah, pretty hot.

Let's just look for the keys.

That's the great thing about anonymous sex.

You can say you're just about anyone, and your partner can't disagree.

Do you want to see I .D.?

Well, I do.

Oh, you went to a SUNY school?

What'd you major in?

Journalism.

Well, his name's really marked, Gabe.

I don't see them.

When you know too much about a person, sometimes it's hard to think of them

sexually.

But when you know someone only in a sexual way, it's hard to think of them

person.

Can I have my wallet back?

I want to be a sex counselor someday.

That's my dream.

Great.

You know, personally, as a sexually active female, I find the idea of two

getting on incredibly hot.

Are you sure they're here?

No, I'm not sure.

Can you stand still for a second and let me explain? No.

You know what they say.

Everyone's bisexual to a degree.

But to a degree, everyone is.

There's this part in Paris where everyone's bi.

Everyone. There's no straight, there's no gay. Just bi. And anyone who hasn't

been doesn't even know.

It's great.

Have you ever been to Paris, Gabriel?

No.

I bet you have, haven't you, Mark?

Can we just find the key?

Well, it hasn't been a very good night for someone.

You guys done yet?

We're looking!

Why are you so upset, Gabriel?

I'm not upset.

Gabriel. Okay, I'm upset.

Do you want to talk about it?

No.

Well, that's valid.

Mark?

I'm sorry. We never should have gone to that club.

You were kissing him.

Do you know this guy I used to date?

And actually, he was kissing me, but technically you're right, and I'm sorry.

guess, I don't know. I don't usually go there with anybody.

Especially not somebody I...

I don't know what's happening tonight. I don't know how you feel about me.

Gabriel, I think now's a good time for you to verbalize your feelings.

Why didn't you leave? Why didn't you say anything to me?

Gabriel! I pay rent here, too, you know!

Gabriel, maybe Mark deserves to know why you left without telling him.

I left because of what the drag queen in the bathroom told me.

There was a drag queen in the bathroom?

Here we go. What did he say?

He said a lot.

But the gist of it was that tonight was just a whole routine for you. What?

Tonight. It was all lines.

Oh, look at me. I'm sleeping on the subway. I was tired. You didn't have to

stare. You can't go back to my place because of this old lady I live with. I

don't like bringing guys back to my place. And so what?

I was trying to pick you up.

Well, it worked.

Why is that such a problem?

Why were you even listening to him? Well, I didn't have much of a choice.

i slept with him one time he mentioned that oh did he also tell you he

videotaped it oh yeah without telling me and then right when i'm about to you

know orgasm right he tells me to move into the light and i figured it out so i

grabbed the tape and i got the out of there he didn't say that about the video

but he said you left you know This whole night should have been over hours

ago.

It's gotten way too complicated.

I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop because, you know, I know that

you're just going to dump me like you dumped that whip and poof.

What the hell is a whip and poof?

A singer.

I feel stupid spending this entire evening looking for a place just to get

Was that all we were doing?

That's all I was doing.

Really?

Definitely.

You know, I know I picked you up on a subway and all, so I don't know why

you'd be any different than... I don't know.

I thought there was something more going on tonight.

And just for the record, the whiff and poof dumped me.

Judy, your sheet slipped.

Oh, shit.

Cover yourself.

Would you lighten up?

Your titties are hanging out.

You know, in Europe, breasts are breasts. They're very natural and

things. Would you let me be? Put them away, Judy.

It's not like anything would have happened. You're not in Paris anymore.

So we've been acting the past six months, huh, Judy?

Yes, for the past six months I've been touring France topless. And you want to

know something?

Nobody seems to care. Get over it, Rich.

What are you doing, Judy?

What does it look like I'm doing? Can't you see I'm getting dressed?

Going home to my grandmother's next.

Look, here's the keys.

I knew you were different when I saw your hairy armpits.

Mark!

Judy found your keys.

Are you hungry?

Oh, my God. It's so hysterical that you guys are here. Isn't that hilarious?

French fries. Thank you.

You know, Gabe, it's really good you didn't come to the show tonight. We were

really off.

You want some?

Yeah.

Anyway, the girl playing John the Baptist, horribly allergic to gladiolus.

knew? So there's a chance it might go on tomorrow night.

Didn't we order cheese fries?

Oh, yeah.

Should we tell her?

We're out of Thousand Island. I gave you ranch.

Oh, well.

Oh, my God, I have to tell you about this really artsy party this French

-Canadian girl in my acting class threw.

Like, everyone there, they wrote, like, poems or novellas or something.

So this one college guy, he was Asian, he gets up with a little leatherette

portfolio with a satin ribbon to tie it shut, and he's going to read poetry. But

before he starts reading, he tells us about his fascination with the human

But he says what fascinates him even more is what comes out of the human

I know I'm lactose intolerant, but I really wish these had cheese on them.

Anyway, evidently, he thinks of everything that's come out of his body

shit. And he says he'll probably taste that one day, too.

And then he reads a poem about shit. So I'm thinking, okay, this guy really

likes shit, right?

But then he keeps reading, and he reads 17 poems all about shit.

17, I'm not kidding.

And he's talking about the smells and the colors and the farting. Gabe, can

pass me the ketchup? Thanks.

Anyway, I was so relieved when he got tired of reading.

ethnic woman stands up she was like native american or filipino i can never

really tell the difference she didn't have a poem to read so she tells us

a problem that she's having a sex problem she said there's like some force

that's just making her screw around all the time that all these guys are after

her and i mean she's not what i would call sexy well not that i'm into women

that way but you know i can tell when a woman's sexy i mean it's not that she

was a skank or anything just wasn't what i would call sexy that's all so anyway

this is really funny I drank so much homemade rosehip iced tea that I really

to pee right in the middle of her story, right? So I get up, I go to the

bathroom, but the bathroom door's locked. So I'm kind of just standing

I'm looking at the wallpaper, which is really kind of giving me a headache. And

all of a sudden, the toilet flushes, the door opens, and the shit guy walks out,

and he's smiling.

And not one of those, like, polite acknowledgement smiles. He's, like,

like he's happy about something. And all of a sudden, I don't have to pee

anymore.

How's everything?

Fine. Everything's fine. Hey, do you want to hear the audition monologue I've

been working on? Catherine! No, I've all new intentions.

You really don't get it.

What?

You have been monopolizing this entire conversation since we got here.

Look, you're my best friend.

You know I love you, but right now, I don't want to hear your audition

monologue.

I didn't come here to have you sit down, invite yourself over, and...

And talk about shit.

I'm shit -talking. I know, but... Why... Why are you being such a jerk all the

time? Yeah.

Shit's funny.

Shit's shit.

Give it a rest, you Nancy -priss -ass, and let us enjoy ourselves.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

I promise I'll call tomorrow. I promise I'll see your show. But right now, I

need to be alone.

With Mark.

Please, don't ruin this for me.

Gabriel, what are you trying to say?

Go someplace else.

Take your girlfriends, practice your audition monologue on them, whatever,

please, just go.

You know, every time that you insinuate that I should sleep with women, I feel

like... I didn't mean... I don't know.

I feel like I have to respond respectfully or something because I

to think that I think that it's wrong or it's bad or it's nasty. I didn't

mean... But you bring it up every five minutes. It's annoying.

It's probably the most annoying thing about you. Don't get upset.

I don't want to sleep with women.

I'm sorry, Gwen. I can't tell you why.

You're not that way.

That's why.

Catherine. Yes, I can.

I can.

This may be hard for you to believe, day boy, but I am heterosexual.

Yes. Yes.

There are such... things as heterosexuals in this world and I am one

But you won't listen to me. You just won't drop the subject.

Just because it bothers you so much, it's obvious you have lesbian issues

too afraid to face.

I have lesbian issues?

I don't have lesbian anything!

God, it's like when my dad asked why I won't move to New Jersey.

What? Well, if I moved to New Jersey, it would take me an hour and a half just

to get to an audition.

Can you imagine if my dad said, I can tell by your reaction there's a part of

you that wants to move to New Jersey, but you're just too afraid to face it?

Holy wow.

God, doesn't anybody here get it?

I'm not a lesbian. I don't want to move to New Jersey.

Hey, look.

All right, babe.

I'm sorry that I got so mad.

I'm sorry. It's my fault.

We may have a date. I don't know.

It'd be a whole lot easier to get a date.

Why can't you be straight?

I don't like any straight men.

I don't know any straight men.

Kath, are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

You owe me $4 for the French fries.

We're going back to my place to watch a video of tonight's show. Do you want to

go? Sure, one second.

Well, we better get back inside.

I'm going to put your name on the complex for tomorrow night.

I'll be there.

Better motherfucker.

Tonight's been a mess.

Yeah.

But, you know, some of the mess.

I mean, I did have a good time tonight.

Even though you gotta admit, it was really a mess.

You know, I would have invited you back to my place, but... It's alright, don't

worry about it. No, I would have, but... The lady I told you about?

Yeah.

She's my mother.

I live at home Thank you

We're alone.

Yeah, it's finally... And to you,

while I hit showtime, I hear the music of a... And to

you... What?

Don't sing it.

It's a good song.

Shut up.

It is.

You're polite.

Shut up.

You really think so?

Yeah. It's really good.

And to you.

That's all I know.

You have to teach me the rap.

I need a piano.

We've already established that.

You know, I think it's good how this turned out.

You do.

Yeah, we get the hard part over with.

What about the sex?

What kind of a girl do you think I am?

You got me.

Leave a message.

Oh, how the dust and the dungity enter you

in less than no time.

This ugly drama has become pretty.

Oh, when folks were dead, my life felt wrong.

Information seemed so foreign.

Seems too long.

Life was like an.

I never thought I'd find someone like you Though in my

every fantasy I saw you every day I thought there was no

way To make my dream come true I always

thought that I would be alone Afraid to dream

that anyone Was never gonna see The love inside of me

But how could I

the chances I'd be here with you then after all the

lonely years of searching everywhere I'd turn and you'd be there

from clear out of the moon our lives are in

the hands of destiny and though we try to take

control that's not the way

to be.