Original subtitles

Oh, no.

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Hello?

OK...

THEY STRAIN

Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome. Welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies, a juicy fillet steak of manhood,

if I do say so myself. Take the heat off.

I'm rare and I'm ready for the plate.

Who dares to sit at the table of white-hot competition

and complete tasks

to make me sizzle on my judgmental skillet?

Who dares to face my pepper-scorn sauce?

LAUGHTER

Who wants my champion chips enough to risk getting their just deserts?

Let's find out. Here they are!

Ania Magliano! CHEERING

Maisie Adam! CHEERING

Phil Ellis! CHEERING

Reece Shearsmith! CHEERING

And Sanjeev Bhaskar! CHEERING

And next to me,

a man who told me that on a childhood visit to a fruit farm,

he once sneakily ate so many strawberries

that he achieved the holy grail -

the unbroken three-foot stool.

It's little Alex Horne! CHEERING

Yeah, what a day, what a day that was.

Yeah.

Well, look, it's time for the raffle, everyone,

so if you wanna get your tickets out at home.

Um... Do you wanna do the honours today, Greg? Yeah.

Who's gonna win this week's raffle? Ah.

So get your tickets out.

Oh, it's a pink, it's a pink ticket.

528.

A pink 528, so get in touch if that's you.

Thank you.

It's the... It's the raffle. It's the raffle.

Incredible, isn't it?

Did you buy a ticket? I didn't buy a ticket.

I bought you a ticket. OK.

You... You wanna check your pockets?

LAUGHTER

Good. This is better. This is better.

Oh, 528.

Pink 528! He's the winner! We have a winner.

You win a hamper, you can have a look there.

It's a good hamper. Genuinely good.

Salt, bin bags, shoe soles, cinnamon sticks.

Stuff you generally want from a hamper. Yeah.

OK. Let's get on with the prize task.

Bang tidy. And this week the category is

the thing you were least likely to bring in from your home.

Big fingers crossed here for Lord Lucan.

Five points will be given

to this person that Greg thinks has brought in

the least likely thing they've brought from their home.

But you know how this works, Greg.

You're all over the format by now, mate. Don't worry about it.

OK. Sanjeev, hello.

Hello. Can I show you what it is?

Sanjeev has brought this in. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Did you just have it around or is that,

is that decanted for the show?

Oh, no, that was specially for the show.

I mean, I don't have urine samples just lying around the house. No.

But I... But you have the bottles.

Well, yeah, I mean, you never know when you need them.

I mean, you know, there's an age at which you have to go,

go to the doctors quite suddenly. Yeah. Dip and check.

Yeah, absolutely. Dip and check.

I've gotta say, Sanjeev, this marks a real turn round in your fortunes,

I think. Because... Do you think?

Well, the first two shows, your prizes were absolutely shit.

It's very personal.

Very.

Do you know how he sent us the urine? Um, no.

He wee-transferred it.

GROANING

OK, who's next? Ania.

I've brought in my contraceptive coil.

Oh, God.

Have a look at this, Greg - here it is. Oh, God.

Look at it, look at it.

And if she's up there, then who's flying the plane?

APPLAUSE

What, what's the blue thing?

So there are strings at the bottom of it and they're basically

so you can check it's in place every month. OK.

You put a... I'm not gonna, I don't, I won't tell you.

Well, don't get all squeamish. You brought it in.

You put fingers into your zones. Your zones.

And you feel for the strings and if the string's there... Zones?

The reason that it's very unlikely that I was able to bring this in

is cos mine got lost within me. OK.

And it took three doctors to get it out.

On separate occasions. Not working simultaneously.

Not working simultaneously. They were in different zones.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Very impressive. Phil.

Er, I've brought in a lovely clump of asbestos.

Here it is.

What a lovely clump it is.

Where did you get the, er, incredibly dangerous material from?

My flat is riddled with it and,

as long as you don't interfere with it, it's quite safe.

Yeah. Now I have caused a few issues

by rambling around in my walls to pull it out. Yeah.

Not least your own slow, painful demise.

But you know, it's... What a way to go.

Old school.

Urine, a coil and a death sentence.

Reece. So in 1973, there used to be things

called public information films and they would tell children

to not get trapped in fridges and not stand in front of tractors,

and there was one in 1973 called The Spirit Of Dark And Lonely Water.

It was narrated by Donald Pleasence

and it was about children that shouldn't play in, near water,

because they would drown.

And in that film there is a sign that says "No swimming"

and in my downstairs toilet I have the sign. Here it is.

LAUGHTER

So there you go. That's surprising, innit? Lovely.

Unfortunately, the horror bar has been raised so high...

It's very mundane now, isn't it?

It's the first thing I see I think, "Yeah, I could cope with that."

Hello, Maisie.

I've brought in something nice and normal. Aww.

Yeah. I've brought in all my doors.

LAUGHTER

All her internal doors.

And I know what you're thinking - that's just a picture of doors

with a made-up background. I can show ya...

Yeah, here we go. This is my door in the flat and I,

I did that when my husband was out.

And then left with the doors,

so here's the text I got from my husband.

Oh, my God.

OK, so it's least likely to bring in from your home. Greg.

Well, I mean, I really like your sign,

but it's a framed photo. So he can only have one point.

Yes. Fair enough. One point. Thank you. To Reece.

And it's incredible for me to say this - the one that horrified me

the least was, er, the deadly asbestos.

Two points to Phil. I'm gonna say that...

..Maisie's doors are equivalent to Sanjeev's urine.

Fuck off.

I'm in so much trouble.

Yeah. And you won't get them back unless you win the episode.

LAUGHTER

OK, he hates it when I do this,

but I do think they all are remarkable

that you would bring all three of those things in

so I'll give you all five points. Yay.

One, two, five, five, five. OK.

Can we have a task, please? Yes, I have one right here

and it involves the greatest sporting team on Planet Earth.

Hi, Reece. Hello.

Are you coming all the way to me? Ah. Well, I'm coming to you, yeah.

Lovely to see you. Lovely to see you.

Yeah, you stand behind the barrel, that'd be great. What? The barrel?

THEY CLEAR THEIR THROATS

Make the most accurate little model...

Of the Chess-ham... The Chesham...

The Chesham United mascot.

So the locals call it Chezzum. Ah.

But if you've only just arrived there, Chesham is OK.

OK, that's good to know.

You may only see what is inside two of the toilet tents.

Toi... Oh, I thought it was spray tans.

Toilets. Yeah, five toilet tents.

You have ten minutes.

Your time starts now.

Go Generals.

Go Generals. Oh!

Thank God. You know, one thing I like is mascots.

Well, I hate football, I don't know anything about it.

So I can't do it.

APPLAUSE

OK, so Chesham United is the team that you're a director on, right?

Mm-hm. Yeah, but there's no conflict of interest. We're just...

Well, it's funny you should say that,

but when I read that you were doing this

I genuinely contacted a lawyer friend of mine

and he has informed me that you talking about it

as a director of Chesham United is a clear breach of

the UK Code Of Broadcast Advertising,

the BCAP code, sections two, four and ten.

And as a result you genuinely could be in legal trouble.

Ah.

You've never done that much research about any aspect of the show.

I know.

I was absolutely thrilled.

OK, well, there's a little joke here but it doesn't feel appropriate.

Here we go, then. And if you're a rap fan, you're gonna love

Reece, Ania and Phil's initials.

LAUGHTER

I'm hoping the Chesham United mascot will be in one of the three tents.

One of the five tents?

Oh, hello!

Ooh, OK, that's heavy.

Lovely. What we've got here is treasure chest.

Lovely. that's nice. Chest. Chesham. No?

What'd be great now is if

a child I didn't know I had came out.

Oh, God. There's an actual person there

that scared the crap out of me.

Oh... Oh, my God, there's someone in there.

Are you the Chesham United mascot?

This is amazing. Have I nailed the task?

Bear with me.

Come on. Comedy, innit? Let's have a laugh.

We've got a game of chess. Yes.

This is... Urgh!

Ham.

Chess. Ham.

Oh, OK!

I think that's a pig who's the mascot

and I've got to make a small pig.

Oh, my God.

He's got a plant pot on his head.

Oh, it's a chess piece.

Are you the mascot?

I don't know what that is so I'm gonna take it

you've either had a stroke or you're very much a mascot.

Come on, baby.

Daddy needs some new shoes.

Go Generals. Yeah. I mean, what does it mean?

How am I meant to, in isolation, understand what that means?

That's the nickname of the football team.

I thought I told you I hated football. Right.

Do you know what?

Please be careful.

Oh. Right.

Ooh, that's half your time up.

That's half my time?

Well, this is great, innit?

I've got half the time left

and now you've given me scissors and face paint.

It's, it's Play-Doh. Plasticine, I know.

That could be his face.

I'm gonna make a, a football.

So you think the mascot of the football team is a football?

Yeah, I see that it might not be.

I'm changing it. I'm changing it to a helmet.

I'm very aware at this very late stage

that I may have taken it for granted that

that is the Chesham County mascot.

You're pretty insistent that it's a county.

I may have got football muddled up with Territorial Army.

Five seconds. Oh, hello! I'm from Chesham Town.

WHISTLE PEEPS Go Generals.

APPLAUSE

Reece, the usual bubbling rage during that. Yeah.

But my favourite moment of the whole task was

just a moment of joy from you where I think we got the answer

to the question, what will we do when David Dickinson retires?

What we've got here is treasure chest.

Simple as that.

So the pig was the mascot.

Was it? Oh!

It's the official Chesham mascot, and the bear was a red herring.

OK, so Phil came up with this.

Oh, there he is!

There's that pig we all know and love.

Flaking onto the pitch.

Incredible. That would fool a seasoned farmer.

Reece came up with this.

APPLAUSE It's pretty good.

Who'd have thought I'd be saying the sentence,

"That's not as good as Phil's"?

Well, Ania did try to make the pig, and she made this.

Ooh! Wow.

That is pretty good.

Compare that to the real mascot. Yeah. It's good.

Thank you.

OK, my friends, that's the end of part one.

More mascot monstrosities will be made

after some adverts to highlight the downward spiral of humanity.

Work, spend, die.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, hello. Hello again.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Hello, sorry, Greg.

As my gran always said, you can't hurry slurry.

Before the break, the rivals were trying to craft

the most accurate version of the Chesham mascot.

And they could only peep inside two of the tents for tips.

Finally, it's the turn of Sanjeev and Maisie.

Now Maisie is of course at a huge advantage for this one,

having played football at the Chesham ground, genuinely,

where the mascot was first unveiled.

This is a picture of Maisie with the mascot on the pitch.

There we are.

You bastard.

Go Generals.

That's a clue, or a red herring.

Whenever you want, Sanjeev.

Bit creepy.

Ooh, that's got something big there.

OK.

No, these two.

Do you need that back up?

Right.

SHE SQUEALS

Is there someone in that?

Is that a p... Argh!

You're no good.

Generals!

Stand up. Is there anything else?

God's sake. I was counting on you.

Thank you very much.

Not at all creepy.

Oh.

If you can sit yourself down. OK.

What's the number, what's the number?

Pig, look for a four-digit number.

It'll be somewhere, I'm sure.

If you wouldn't mind putting one hand there.

Please don't break the box.

Yes!

If you could just point that way.

This hand, and point that way.

You need to salute like a general. Yeah...

Yeah, you've got that. That's it, you're smashing it, mate.

Wait there.

That's General.

Go Generals!

Come on.

APPLAUSE

You've actually run next to the mascot,

er, which is a pig with a chess piece on its head.

Hmm. And you have no recollection of it?

It was a busy week that week. I had other things on.

Lot of pigs, lot of chess pieces. Lot of pigs, yeah.

It's more common in the modern game than you'd think.

And you know, er, your attempt would be worrying

if it weren't for Sanjeev. God forgive me,

but someone's gotta point it out. You made the pig do a Nazi salute.

LAUGHTER

They're all thinking it.

No, that was the General's bit.

It was, the pig was leading the charge because they... You can't...

It had no fingers so you couldn't point.

So in summary... Yes.

Um, you created a new mascot involving the pig,

the bear and the donkey.

Look, I didn't, I didn't create a new mascot.

I involved the mascot in a new tableau suggesting...

Oh, yeah, that's what you were asked to do as well.

Evolve the mascot into a new tableau. Was that the wording?

It was make the most accurate little model of the Chesham United mascot.

Yeah, that...

That was smaller than the one I was going for.

OK, do you wanna see all five mascots with the real mascot?

I mean, not really. Yeah. OK.

The real one's bottom right.

I'm surprised that Sanjeev's isn't further right, actually.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sanjeev's made the mascot bigger and more racially hateful.

So one to Sanjeev.

I'm not sure about racially hateful. I'm gonna have to take...

Look at the diversity in mine.

Compared to any other picture.

It's a good point.

So two to Maisie because she hasn't made it smaller

and she hasn't recreated it.

She's just taped a sign to it.

I mean, Reece's is definitely smaller than the original mascot

but has absolutely nothing to do with it.

You're telling me that that is less like a pig than Phil's?

Hey! He's got a point.

I'm sorry, but I have to say it.

I think mine looks more like the pig. No.

And it's even got a little chess piece on the top, look.

What are you talking about?

I think if I squint at both of them,

I see more of the shape of the mascot in Phil's. Thank you.

Because you're looking at the full body.

I'm looking at the full body. Yeah. I, I get you.

I take your point, but you can have three. Phil can have four.

And five sweet points to Ania Magliano.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think it's time for a scoreboard.

Me too. Ania is the only one in double figures.

She's in the lead with ten points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'd like a team task. Well, get ready for

one of my favourites of all time.

Which is a big statement because I genuinely

have almost zero opinions on anything. I'm a really bland guy.

We're back in here. Hi. Yeah, couple of chairs there. Oh, lovely.

Hello. Hello. I don't mind being in the middle.

Hello. How is the team?

Really good. Good. Bonding? Yes.

Working well together? Yeah, we think so. So far.

I think that's true.

Right. Ahem.

Discover the name of the person in the lab.

You must take it in turns to ask one question

and the person may only say yes or no.

The other team members must remain in this room

until the questioner returns.

Each person in your team must address the person in the lab

by their correct name before the task is complete.

Fastest wins.

Your time starts now.

I'll go, I'll go ask a question. OK. All right, cool.

Right. Shall I go and ask if their name begins with a vowel?

Is that, is that clever?

OK, yeah, go on.

You get thinking of your next question, Reece. A vowel. OK.

A, E, I, O, U.

LAUGHTER

Well, that's the main takeaway, isn't it, really?

Main takeaway from the introduction of this is that

Maisie and Reece think vowels are clever.

And Reece is incredibly keen to point out that he knows them.

Let's crack on and see how clever they are.

OK, well, we are gonna start with the team of two.

It is Reece and it is Maisie. Here we go.

Hiya. Hi.

Um, does your name begin with a vowel?

No. No.

So we've got all the consonants to play with? Yeah.

What do you think the next question should be?

Are you any of the women in the song Mambo Number 5?

I know 'em all. Good, OK.

Monica, Jessica...

Hello. Is your name any of the women in the song Mambo Number 5?

No.

No. Oh!

How many have we eliminated out of women's names in the world?

I think six. Good.

How can we narrow down women's names?

B to P?

Does your name begin with any of the letters from A to P

in the alphabet? Yes. Ooh.

It does, it does! B to G.

Does your name... Hi. Does your name begin with B to G?

No.

Reece, it's G to P. Oh!

Is it a K, does your name start with a K?

No. Thank you.

Does your name begin with L?

Yeah. Yes! It's L!

It's L. It's L. OK.

Not Lisa...Lisa's in Mambo Number 5. OK.

Is it Laura?

No. Thank you.

Is your name Louise? Yeah.

Yes! It's Louise! Louise! It's Louise.

Stop the clock. Stop the clock. Yes!

You haven't completed the task.

What? OK, now...

Each person in your team must address the person in the lab

by the correct name before the task is complete.

Just say, "Hi, Louise." I will.

Hi, Louise.

Hi, Louise. No.

It's not.

What? It's not Louise! Eh?

Oh, he's really angry, he's really angry. What does it mean?

She just said, she just said to me her name was Louise. What?

Go and say, "Is your name Louise?"

I did that last time.

Is your name Louise?

Yes.

Reece! She said yes.

Oh! All the names in the world

and we've got down to Louise and it's not. Yeah. I, yeah.

But shall we maybe try stay a bit calm?

Yeah. Yeah.

Calm and collected.

Hello, Louise.

Are you lying about your name? No. OK.

We're missing something here. Yeah. What are we missing?

Reece, could it be a different person in the lab?

SHE GASPS

Oh!

What have you found?

They're twins. There's fucking twins.

And they keep swapping them out. Look behind the door,

look behind the door. They're swapping them out. Yes.

Yeah. I'm onto you now.

If that's all right.

I put a piece of Sellotape on her.

Does your sister's name begin with J?

No. No!

Does your sister's name begin with a K? No.

You're not asking sister's name as well, are you?

I'm going, "Is your sister's name...?"

Yeah, and I'm saying, "Is your sister's name...?

Oh, fuck off then. That's wrong, isn't it?

You've been asking about her sister!

It's very confusing when there's twins.

Does your name begin with an L?

Yes. Ah, it does! It does?

Yeah. I think I've got it.

Lauren. No. FRUSTRATED SCREECH

Is your name Lynn? No.

No, course not.

Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.

Is the second letter of your sister's name a consonant?

Yes.

What about L-U?

That's a vowel! Oh, yes, that's right, yes.

So what else can you add on to Lynn to make a name?

Lyndsey? Is it Lyndsey?

Have we had it? No. Lyndsey.

With a Y?

Is your name Lyndsey?

Yes.

I've stopped the clock.

Lyndsey, we've done it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I mean, I have so many questions.

I guess I'll start with, why was your go-to system Mambo Number 5?

I just tried to think of something

where there's loads of women's names in one go.

It allowed us later in the game to eradicate Lisa from the situation.

Yeah, but Lisa's not in the song. Yeah, she is.

Monica, Erica, Rita, Tina, Sandra, Mary and Jessica.

All right, so she's not in the song.

Doesn't matter, does it? Even you reading them out like that

made me wanna go, "Ahhh!"

APPLAUSE

A lot of the time you appeared as,

uh, as someone who was scared of her partner.

Reece is terrifying. I'll just say that.

At one point, almost to yourself, you went, "He's really angry."

He's not angry, he's... Disappointed.

I still maintain we were a good team. We were a good team.

Yeah. It was like good... Do you? Good cop, furious cop. Yeah.

Well. Well.

It looked like it took forever.

44 minutes 30. A lovely massage.

Wow. 44 minutes? 44 minutes 30.

What I'd like to think now before I throw to break is

that you'd be able to play in Mambo Number 5.

And I know you haven't got it but what I'm gonna do is

I'm gonna read the link to break, er, imagining that it's playing.

OK? OK.

Time for a much-needed break. We'll see you in a minute.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome back. It's part three of Taskmaster

and we're in the middle of a fiendishly tricky team task.

Hmm. It's not that tricky, Greg.

I think some people are just thick.

And at last I've got an opinion!

But now it's time to see how the team of three got on.

It's Ania, Phil and Sanjeev.

Oh, hello. Hi.

Is your name Thompson?

No.

You all right?

Yeah.

Is that my question?

Yeah. Out you come.

Doesn't begin from A to G.

Not H, I or J.

Either K or L? Yes.

Does it begin with a K?

So it begins with an L. Yeah.

Is your name Louise? No.

It's not Louise.

Is there a U? No.

Snooker cue.

Snooker clue!

Right.

Billiards, snooker, cue.

Right. Does... Is the second letter, er, E?

No.

Are any letters repeated? No.

There must be a quicker way to do this.

I'll say, can you say yes when I point to the right letter?

That's good. It's good. That's so clever. Ah, it is.

The third letter of your name. Yes.

Oh, right, thank you.

I think it is Louise.

I think they were lying. It's U.

No, I asked her if there was a U in her name and she said no.

Then she's a damn liar.

The next letter is D.

Loud? This isn't a name.

Who's called Loud?

Yes. E?

It's an E!

Loud? OK, just... I'll just go. Makes no sense.

Is that wrong? Yes.

Guys, it's not... We, we've gone wrong.

This has put me off meeting new people.

Er, the second-last letter.

Yes.

OK. I asked about double letters before

and you said there weren't any. That's a double letter.

This is, like, insane.

Why is nothing making sense? What the hell is going on?

OK, guys, I said are there clues

as to how we can get your name somewhere and she said yes.

Oh, Thompson. Thompson... I'm just thinking Thompson Twins.

Got it.

Is it in any way connected to the Thompson Twins?

Yes. It is!

She's a twin, they're twins.

Twins are identical. They can be identical,

they're repetition. Is it a name that sounds like...?

Oh. It's gonna be like....

Please say something good.

Oh, God. I've panicked.

LAUGHTER

SHE GASPS

Hi.

There's two of them. There's two of them, there's two of them!

There's one behind the curtain.

They're twins. Oh, they keep swapping! They're twins.

So Louise is probably right, I bet, for one. Yeah.

We'll just keep going in saying, "Is your name Louise?"

and we'll see what happens.

Is your name Louise? No.

Who did Phil ask?

Are you Louise? No.

Is your name Louise? No.

No, this one's not Louise either!

OK, here we go.

Louise? Yes.

Yes! Need to swap.

Is your name Louise? No.

I'm just gonna ask again.

Is your name Louise? Yes.

Brilliant. Nice one, thanks.

Are you having a nice time? Yes.

Hello. Hi.

Are you Louise? Yes. I've stopped the clock.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There's something that sums up the whole attempt,

was Ania looking at Phil and going, "Please say something good."

While Sanjeev was just sighing periodically.

SIGHS DRAMATICALLY

It felt like Sanjeev was baby-sitting us.

You didn't have to find out both of their names,

you just had to say the name of the person in the lab.

So you all got Louise, you never found out Lyndsey's name.

You took, er, 19 and a half minutes longer than the other team -

one hour and three minutes. Hey, Reece, dream team!

There you go. Dream team. One hour and three minutes,

and also, at the end, Phil went in twice in a row.

Ohh!

Where's that damn snooker cue?

This has gotta sting for you, Sanjeev, hasn't it?

Do you know what? You just have to sit back,

let the kids play, ride it out,

and you know, at some point the parents'll come back

and you get paid and you can go home.

I mean, remarkably, Maisie and Reece have definitely won,

so well done you. Five points for Maisie and Reece. Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do they get any points?

Oh, I think I'll give you one or two.

I just haven't decided which yet. OK. When are you gonna do that?

I'll take, I'll take one because it was my fault

and I'd really like the other two to have two points.

If you think... Aww. Wow. Do you know what, Phil?

I agree. That is so lovely. Stop it, thank you.

Wow. That is lovely and sportsmanlike,

and if you want one point I agree

the whole team should have one point.

One point to the team of three. Well done.

Let's have another task.

Thank you for the opportunity, Greg.

Right then, everyone. Come with me and let's have

some good old-fashioned fun and games in the Hutch.

Ooh!

Hiya.

Traditional-looking game. It's a brand-new game.

Oh, right, OK.

Looks like an old game to me, but...

"Create your own Snakes & Steps board."

You must add one snake and one set of steps.

You must also add one mystery box. Oh.

The instruction inside the mystery box is up to you.

You have ten minutes. Your time starts now.

Ow.

Oh, he really will stretch, won't he?

Oops. Yeah.

Right, here we go. So I'm gonna make some steps.

They can grow back anyway.

I look at it as like life. You go,

"Oh, well, first foot on that old property step.

"Here I go."

"Oh."

Mystery box.

And this is just any rule? Yeah.

So you've got to do whatever this says. Mm-hm.

That's going in the mystery box.

And what number's that going on? It's on number 70.

47, 48, 61 and 62.

It's a mystery.

Thank you very much. Excellent, thank you.

Look forward to playing your game. Er, you're on your own.

Ania thinks that if you cut a snake in half it grows back.

It does.

No, it doesn't. OK.

A worm, sure. If you cut a snake in half it dies.

They're basically the same sort of guy.

The film Worms On A Plane is not as...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, Greg, it's time to supersize things

while at the same time gaining further insight

into Maisie Adam's memory.

Ooh. Ooh. Oh, for fuck's sake.

Hello. Oh!

I remember this.

Does it ring any bells?

No. No, but I'm willing to, to venture into the unknown.

Win Snakes & Steps.

This isn't the one I designed, though, is it?

Well... Is it?

Players will move from youngest to oldest.

Players?

Which players?

So you're up against four other comedians. Oh, right.

You must throw the die properly each time

and you must not tamper with the die.

If you land on the head of a snake you must slither down to its tail.

I know the rules. If you land at the base of a step

you've gotta climb it.

If you land on the mystery box, you must do what it says.

First to land exactly on the finishing seat wins.

Your time starts...

..now. And you'll be going fourth in the game because of your age.

Oh, Christ.

Which number do you think you'll be throwing?

Thanks.

None taken.

APPLAUSE

So we combined all their Snakes & Steps.

That's what I was about to ask, just to clarify. So that was all of them.

That was all of them in one big board. Everybody's attempts.

It's worth noting that Phil's steps started at 11,

12, 13 and 14.

And went up to 71, the penultimate square.

Where his snake met the ladder

and took you all the way back down to the beginning.

But I presumed you would all think you would have to do it later on.

None of you did.

So, and you have no recollection of that whatsoever?

There was a lot of weeks between when I did the one in the Hutch

and coming to that racecourse.

Yeah, three.

OK, we're stopping for another break.

In the final part of the show, someone will go home

with all of the doors from Maisie Adam's home.

Don't worry - she won't remember.

LAUGHTER We'll see you in a minute.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Thank you, and welcome to the final part of the show.

And if you think Tipping Point is exciting, get ready,

cos you're about to see a giant game of Snakes & Steps,

and also you're wrong about Tipping Point.

That is bang out of order, Greg.

Shout out to Ben Shephard. Love you, bro, seriously.

Now for the game we've all been waiting for,

and we're gonna see four of them playing it.

That's everyone apart from Reece, and Reece knows why.

Who do you think the youngest is, Ania? Me.

You get to go first. Yes!

5.

That's a 5.

Oh, that was lame. So I'm here. Correct.

Come on, Daddy needs some new shoes.

It's gone overboard.

6! That's good, that. Ooh, yeah.

I think it's a 6, innit? Why is it a 6?

Just nod the camera if you can see a 6.

We're on a 6, baby! You're taking that as a 6.

One, two, three... Four, five, six.

That ladder goes all the way up to 71. Oh, brill.

5. 3.

Oh, are these the ladders?

Oh, these are from mine!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, I know what's gonna happen!

What's going to happen, Phil?

Can I throw this anywhere, on the floor?

Well, ideally sort of just in front of you here.

OK. Oh, you've got to the base of some steps. Right.

Yeah, you're at number 71. That was a good move.

OK. Can I throw here?

Oh, unfortunately you're actually on a snake there.

Well, that's kind of useless. This is, that's a daft game.

I agree with you.

Shall I just start again? Well, I think you have to, yeah. All right.

Why would you put a ladder up to where you're gonna have a snake?

You're gonna have to ask Phil.

Phil? Phil Ellis.

Did he design the course?

Cos that's favouritism if you're letting some of us design it.

Whoever put a snake there is an absolute moron.

Oh, no, there's a snake. Phil's snake.

Phil is a snake. Right, welcome back to the start.

You do have an extra throw cos you got a 6.

3. 3.

3. It's a 3.

3. One, two, three.

I think that goes to the end.

Hey!

That's Ania's ladder. Where does it take you?

To the finish!

Congratulations, Maisie.

Why is it Ania's ladder, though? Don't worry about that.

Come on. Congratulations. That is the end of Snakes & Steps.

I feel sorry for the amount of set-up

for the amount of length of time that took, really. I feel guilty.

APPLAUSE

I don't wanna make you paranoid, but it is incredible, innit?

I'm worried now. I think I need to get checked.

So Phil basically ruined everyone's...

But luckily Ania had put one on number 4

and they all threw a 3, which got them to 4,

and they got to the end pretty quick. Very competitive. Mm-hm.

But why has Reece been singled out?

What happened?

Brush your teeth, grab a sleeping bag.

It is time for Reece's attempt,

with thanks of course to Phil Ellis.

Oh, no.

OK. Oh, you're at the base of a ladder.

She goes all the way up to here.

Oh, now I only need a 1.

No, you don't, because where... What? Where are you now?

Isn't that the end? And that's just 1.

That's the end, yeah, but there's something else on 71.

HE SIGHS

Who put that there? Phil.

4. 4. So you're going up your own ladder.

Oh, is it secure? No.

Oh, a mystery box. Do I look at it? Yeah, that's exciting.

Urgh. Ah!

You are bitten by a snake.

I need an antidote and it's found on square 9.

Can you remember who wrote that? I think I wrote it, didn't I?

35.

They're all doing this. Yeah.

Ah!

I'm all right now. Great.

4. Ah, there's quite a big ladder, quite a...

Oh, you're...

Do you want a hand? No! I don't.

You're going up Phil's ladder.

But now I'm on Phil's snake. Yeah.

Does it activate again? It's not a single-use snake.

Not a single-use snake.

Oh, for...

And then there's a 5, OK? Three, four, five.

Up to the top of there, down there.

4.

Up the ladder, down the snake, back to the start.

Here we go again. Up the ladder, down the snake, back to the start.

I'm done with this. 1. 1. Ah.

Maisie's ladder. Yeah.

Can this be won? Will I ever be able to end it?

Yeah, just with the right attitude.

What do you mean? What's that supposed to mean?

I've gotta roll again, but I've gotta look at this.

"Hey, mate. Read the next one."

"Read the next note."

"How's things?"

"PTO."

"Read the next one."

Who did this? Phil.

Go back to the start.

Him who deserves this - I just did an antidote thing

and didn't affect anybody.

So it's back down.

4. Nice. So you just need 5 or a 6.

What did you say? A 5 or a 6? Mm-hmm.

OK.

5.

5, great. Well, 15. Ah!

You've cleared the ladder. Right. 2.

That's fine, 17.

3.

6. 6.

33.

5. 4. 6. 3. 2. 3. 3. 5.

65. You've gotta throw a 7 to finish. I need a 7.

6.

That's the worst you could've thrown.

I start again? I did tell you what you needed.

Yeah, but the flaw is in this,

it's just a bouncy stupid thing with numbers on it.

Spin down the stairs. 3.

Oh. You're at the base of Ania's ladder.

And then I come all the way down.

Follow it up and see what happens.

Oh, my God.

I did it.

I finished.

Can we swap seats?

I mean, I've suggested there's a bubbling rage in you, Reece,

but I thought you were remarkably well-humoured, considering.

Thank you, yeah.

Except when you went,

"It's just a bouncy stupid thing with numbers on."

Thought maybe the cracks were starting to show then.

There was a lot of bad luck in that.

It looked like it took a lifetime.

Yeah, I mean, it's not even about speed, it's the number of rolls,

but he did take 42 minutes.

So same as with the twins, really.

Uh, how many rolls?

32 throws. 32.

And you did it in three and two and three?

Yeah. Well, there was a system.

You know, when you know...

Avoid the snake, really.

Not rocket science, mate.

Reece gets one point.

Two points to Ania.

Three throws, three points to Phil,

but they both got two throws so they get five points each,

so the winners are Maisie and Sanjeev.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It is of course now time to head to the stage

for the final task of the show!

CHEERING

Who will be reading the task out?

Reece Shearsmith, please.

Turn your cup triangle completely upside down.

Oh.

Your upside-down cup triangle must be free-standing

and you must obey the instructions written on each layer.

If any cups fall, you must completely start again. Mm-hmm.

You may not affect other people's cup triangles.

Wait, what do you... What does it mean?

I'm not finished. Oh.

Fastest wins.

On your marks. Get set.

WHISTLE And they're off.

Right hand behind back.

Oh, bollocks.

This is interesting.

Right eye shut. Right eye shut.

She's bypassed the first two instructions.

There's no rules against that, I suppose.

The right, uh, foot off the grou...? What?

Right foot off the ground. Right foot off the ground. Oh.

Right, so you need to rebuild your triangle. Yeah, fuck off.

Well...

Oh, Sanjeev.

Mouth open, tongue out, groaning.

SHE GROANS

Oh, that... Oh, fuck. Come on.

If you could start again, please, Maisie.

CHEERING

Oh, lovely.

Right foot off the ground.

HE GROANS

I'm very sorry to say that Reece has not turned his upside-down.

She's turned hers upside-down. What?

Oh, Reece. The cups are the wrong way up.

AUDIENCE GROANS

SHE GROANS

HE GROANS

CHEERING

GROANING

CHEERING

SHE WAILS

Should we get the medic to have a look at Maisie?

SHE GROANS

She's not gonna remember any of this.

Oh, it's gonna be close.

TIRED GROANING

SHE SHOUTS

CHEERING

It's academic now, but let's see you, old man.

HE GROANS

LAUGHTER

Wonderful. And we'll add that to your final scores.

Come down and join me.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well. Hmm.

Pretty exciting stuff.

Yes. So Reece got one point in that one,

Maisie two, Sanjeev three, Phil four,

but the winner of the task was Ania with five points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And so... And so, the winner of the episode with 19 points...

It is Maisie Adam!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Maisie Adam wins.

Please hike up to the stage for your unlikely household prizes.

So...

What... What have we learned today?

Well, I believe we've learnt the very definition of victory.

Is it the person with the most points? No.

Is it the person who heads home with the prizes? No.

The definition of victory is getting a fellow competitor

to take home a vial of your own piss.

We'll see you next time, but for now here's the episode winner,

Maisie Adam!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media