Original subtitles

# Hype on the riddim, it's a...boom seleck!

# Hype on the riddim, it's a...boom seleck!

# Hype on the riddim, it's a...boom seleck! #

RAP MUSIC CONTINUES

What's changed since we were last here?

Erm, subs have gone up 50p. Yeah. Innit? Yeah.

Decoy's got a new exhaust fitted.

Yeah. Erm... Sounds like an aeroplane.

EXHAUST ROARS

Do you think you've got more listeners now?

Yeah, I'd say we're at least on double figures now.

Oh, yeah. At least. Per show. Yeah, yeah.

Max. At least. Max. At least, yeah.

At least max, yeah.

# B stands for brutality I said E

# Stands for the energy

# T! Guaranteed

# T! Riding the beat

# T!

BOTH: # T! #

Have you got more attention now you've got the beard?

A lot of attention from the beard, yeah.

I'm getting a lot of the mums down Green Dragon,

do you know what I mean, checking me out and that, yeah.

Cos they know I'm on telly, so they think I got bare money.

I ain't. Cos you lot don't give us no money.

This programme contains strong language.

Miche! You get it! Miche!

Oh. They're 'ere!

All right, boys. What's going on? All right?

'It's a big day, big event for all of us. It's exciting.'

Angel becoming a Christian is probably the biggest event

she's ever been through, other than being born,

so, yeah, it's pretty big.

Are you a Christian?

I'm not technically christened,

but I definitely am a very spiritual person.

And I think I have Christian morals.

Like, I love Christmas, for example.

I love, like, everything about Christmas, like, getting presents,

eating loads of food, so I think I do believe in God in that way, yeah.

Miche! Do you know where my Avirex is?

It's hectic, it gets everywhere!

They should have more christening emoticons, shouldn't they?

So what I've done is like a baby's head with some water splashes

and then a church. Like, what else?

Godfather, innit.

Love that. See ya later.

Basically, yeah, when you get Christianed,

you need a godfather, yeah. Godfather.

So it's a very important decision I have to make,

..and someone that's loyal.

It's out of Decoy and Beats.

But...

I thought it was going to be me.

Huh? Well, we'll see.

Whoever's the most deserving out of them two.

Congrats, mate. You're in the running. Yeah, but...

Nah, you've made it to the finals.

Oh, it's the finals? Yeah! It's them two. Oh, sick. Yeah.

Lean back. Huh? Lean back.

Oh, that's lovely, that is. Cheers, mate. It's all right.

See that?

And what are you doing here?

So these are designs for Angel's christening T-shirt.

And it's just so everyone can have a sort of memento from the day.

Oh.

Like, I did GCSE Art, so, yeah, just using some of the skills

and techniques I picked up from then.

This is just a sketch, though. It'll look a lot better

when a professional's done it.

'been there, done that and now I'm printing the T-shirt.'

Designer T-shirt...printing!

The first lady of Kurupt FM enters.

All right. How you doing?

All right, yeah. Thanks so much for this.

Yeah, no, I've actually got my own printing machine.

Pretty? Printing machine, so...

Pretty? Er, printing. Printing machine.

Machine to... Oh, right, yeah! No, printing machine.

Yeah, 'course. Exactly, yeah.

I got it off Uncle Bobby. Yeah, he told me that it's like a 3D printer,

but 2D, so you actually save on energy. It's so big!

That's what they all bloody say.

Yeah, when it comes to fashion, I'm always one step ahead.

Sometimes, people look at me strangely

and they're like, what's he wearing?

These are actually women's boots.

I like the heel on them, I like the texture of them.

They're very er...silky smooth, easy clean.

The jacket is real halal lambskin leather,

blessed by the guy at the mosque.

OK, so I've sketched out a sort of family portrait. Mm-hm.

Obviously, this is rough, so the final product will need to be

sort of more classy, but with that sort of essence of heaven.

Like, does that sound OK?

Erm... Yeah, definitely. Listen, I can handle anything, you know.

Yeah. I'm a self-made guy, you know. Yeah.

I came here in '93 with nothing but £5 and my brother's passport...

MY passport.

Definitely my passport.

Shout out Steve's in action, too. I see ya.

# What's that? Yeah, she's loving it.

# I said up and down, she's rubbing it,

# To be fair, she's loving it. #

She always bloody does, to be fair.

Do you know what I mean? They always do, mate!

So what makes a good godfather?

Oi, a good godfather is someone that is...

that listens. Listens. Yeah?

Erm...is loyal. Loyal.

Erm...looks out for people. For people.

Er, keeps themselves to themselves. To themselves.

You're talking over me. Sorry.

That's minus one in the godfather chart, mate.

Oh!

POLICE SIRENS WAIL

See that, Decoy, mate?

Yeah, that's fine.

ENGINE STARTS

'To be honest, like,

'the whole Godfather thing, like, it don't really bother me.

Like, I'm always there for them, innit, so if they ever need me,

then I'm there, either way.

ANGEL LAUGHS

Pfff... That's a bit of a weird question to be honest, like...

I'm just there, innit. They're like...family.

Right, so this is just mine and Angel's dance routine,

obviously in the early stages, but, we'll just show you

where we've got to so far...

DANCE MUSIC STARTS

And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

MUSIC: Play Hard by David Guetta ft. Ne-Yo and Akon

Remember tits and teeth.

Decoy, stand back a bit.

MUSIC CONTINUES

Right, so I've toned down the dance routine.

We don't need a dance routine. Yeah, yeah. No, sure. Absolutely, yeah.

We can just see how it goes on the day. If there's time.

Cos we're ready either way, aren't we, Ange?

And round. Shimmy down.

Can we just try and keep it simple? Lasso, lasso.

No, Miche. Stop going over the top with everything. Do you remember

the gun fingers I taught you on your birthday last year?

Don't confuse her, she's got to remember the christening routine.

No, she doesn't! Angel, don't do a routine!

GRINDAH SIGHS

Right, so I've sorted the T-shirts. Er, what else, what else?

Ooh! Do you want to see her christening dress?

Angel, are you looking forward to getting Christianed? Yep.

throughout your tiny life. Yeah?

Ooh, ideally, though, I suppose he needs to be somebody

that has experience of actually being a legal guardian.

Innit?

She agreed. Angel agreed with me!

Isn't that a bit much?

No, cos this way, you know, she could always re-use it

later on in life. I got a couple of sizes bigger so, you know,

maybe within the next sort of 18 months, two years,

she could use it as like a bridesmaid's dress,

if she was ever a bridesmaid. Well, no, cos we don't know anyone

Oh!

DECOY GROANS

This brings me back.

Hit me, Angel!

DECOY GROANS

Hit me! Hit me!

Hit me! Angel, hit me!

Oh! We're having a great time. We're having a great time!

'Yeah, I do think Kevin would make a good godfather.

'I mean, you know, he's got a lot of things going for him.'

Kids love him, he's a lot of fun.

You know, he can be a right old laugh,

cos he's really on their level, mentally.

Right, now you're both dead!

'but I think that's cos she sees more of him.'

Er...you know.

RUSTLING

Put that on there. OK.

MUSIC PLAYS

And down...

we go.

PHONE RINGS

Yes.

Hello? Aldona?

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Yeah, all right. I'll come round later.

Yeah, come and get it later, man.

It's bloody Abdi, innit. He forgot his scarf, I thought it was Aldona!

HE GRUNTS

So where is Aldona?

Oh, you know, she's very spontaneous. Sometimes she'll just

kind of head out for a couple of months and she'll come back

with, you know, my credit card, hopefully, this time, Aldona!

You know, she's like a bloody sexy, slutty Frisbee.

You know, I'll throw her away sometimes,

she'll always come back, mate.

It's all banter, you know.

Banter, banter.

No, please come back, Aldona.

I feel like it has to be Beats, surely?

Cos, you know, I think he'd be really good,

like, caring and thoughtful.

Well, we still got Decoy in the running.

I just think it feels a bit weird, you know,

Decoy being the godfather.

Why would it be weird? Oh, I dunno.

It just doesn't seem... Oh, Miche, come on! Get with the times.

It's the 21st century, all right?

Skin colour does not matter any more. Oh, my God! No, no.

I'm not saying that. I'm just saying, you know,

he's around a lot already. Which is good. So maybe it's good...

KNOCK ON DOOR

..to get someone else. Oh, my God, Chapatti's here!

Hello.

Special delivery for Lady Miche.

Can I have a look? You may.

Killed it.

Smashed it.

Oh, my God. Chapatti...

I think I hate them.

SHE SOBS

This is ruined!

What the fuck's she going on about? Miche! I don't know, mate.

Tell him to fuck off! It glitters.

Fucking hell, mate. Classy. Jesus!

I'm not having her crying all through

my godfather announcement, all right?

Right, we need to think of summat.

GRINDAH CLICKS Here's what we're going to do. OK.

You bosh out some T-shirts. Mm. Something simple.

Just like a picture of Angel and the date.

Yeah? OK, cool.

So what are you going to do then? What d'you mean?

Nah, I mean, when you were saying the list of things to do,

I thought you were going to say, "And I'll do this and that".

Mate, I've got a very important, life-changing decision

to make, yeah, about my daughter, who's getting Christianed.

Delegation. Know what I mean?

HE WHISPERS: For fuck's sake, how do you get this on?

Miche?

Miche?

SHE CRIES

Miche? Go away!

I need help with my tie, I can't clip it on.

Are you big into your religion?

Nah, we're not really religious sort of people.

I'd say, personally, if I was to choose one I related to,

Yeah, yeah. They do their own sort of tip, where they all go

into, like, a mountain in Jamaica

and just all sit in a massive tent,

relaxing and blazing all night. Yeah.

CAMERA CLICKS

That's nice.

Thank you.

I thought the pink looks quite nice, doesn't it,

with the brown of the cross?

CAMERA CLICKS

and she starts banging on about marriage constantly, like...

I don't see why she'd want me and her to be related.

If anything, I think that would put me off

wanting to do anything with her.

It's basically incest, innit?

So do you do any sort of loyalty discounts here then?

You mean for other events?

Yeah, like weddings or... Oh. Do you do a lot of weddings here?

Well, weddings are a slightly different case, because,

for a wedding, you have to be a member of the congregation. Yeah.

See the mic situation?

Is it wireless based or is it...?

We don't have mics, sorry. No mics?

No. Bit weird. No worries, I've got my own,

but erm... cool. Oh, right, OK.

Ooh, just so you know, your friend is down there. Yeah.

I think he's been here all night.

MUTTERING: Oh, fuck's sake.

Steves! Steves! Wake up, you mess!

I got your text message.

GRINDAH SIGHS

Did I miss the cremation?

Nah, you got a good 20 minutes left.

Sorry, can I help you?

Ye... Ah! You have got a...a mic.

This is going to be a big service. How do you...? I don't...

Pop that in there for me, please mate. Go on.

Well, OK. Come on, that's the way.

What else? Whoa!

We're going to have to get this removed.

Is there anything I can be sick into?

Cheers, man. It's all right, mate. We'll wash it.

That's not going to be enough, actually. Is there a bigger one?

'Nah, I wouldn't say I got a drug problem.

'I think I've got the opposite of a drug problem,'

to be honest, like, I've got no problem with drugs whatsoever.

I'll try anything.

We gather in the front. Yeah, yeah. You've got everyone sitting there.

I'll probably pop you off to the side there.

I'm by the font, normally. Just by the font. Yeah.

Yeah. No, that's good. Good, good, good, good, good. OK.

There it is.

Going to get Christianed in there.

You see in there, yeah? That's where you're going to meet God!

Not if you don't make it down the stairs in them heels, Carol.

No, don't laugh.

CAROL LAUGHS

I don't know how you do it.

Just wiggle it, come here. Let me look at you, darling.

Ah, that's nice.

Here she is, look at her, Princess! Ah! Can we go in?

Your shirt's untucked. What are you doing?

Grindah, you see that? What?

Just tucked Craig's shirt in,

standard parent-guardian sort of sh... We have to go, mate.

You've got a bit of glitter on your cheek. What?

Bit of glitter. Bit of glitter.

What? Yeah! I've got a thong on. Just looking.

Hello. Hello.

Mum, this is the vicar. Hello, darling.

Hello, nice to meet you. And this is Angel.

All right? Lovely to meet you. You too. Angel, say hello to the vicar.

Don't you look lovely. Say hello.

I'll come and speak to you. All right.

Hello. Welcome, welcome.

Don't you look lovely? Yeah, she does, doesn't she?

Yeah, like a little angel.

GUESTS CHAT

Easy. Easy. You just come straight from the rave?

Yeah. Do you still feel fucked?

GRINDAH CLICKS FINGERS Mic's not working. Come on.

Try it. Try it. It's not working.

I've had face paint all over my face, when I got here.

Lucky there was little sink thing on the way in to wash your face.

Mate, that's holy water.

What happens if you get it on your face?

Makes you religious or something.

HE SIGHS

I didn't mean to be religious.

Hope they've got them ready, to be honest, mate, you know? Cos...

I haven't got time, mate. I've been up all night, you know.

I'm not in the mood, mate, you know.

All right, geezer. I'm here to pick up my T-shirts,

I've got a receipt for you. Yeah.

Nice bit of kit you've got there, actually, mate.

Is it a smooth mechanism on that, yeah? Yeah, it's OK. Yeah.

Do you make some decent profit off that?

What kind of money you making, net profit? What kind of margins?

I'm not sure. Cash flow?

That's £225, please.

225 quid!

I'm sorry for your loss, by the way. Huh?

No, it's fine, mate. It's not a problem.

It's very reasonable anyway.

You've got to lose some to gain some, you know?

Do your pout.

CAMERA CLICKS

Perfect! Stunning. Right.

Miche? Miche?

What?

HE WHISTLES

What's he want? I don't know. Can you watch my bag? Yeah, 'course.

HE WHISPERS: Come, come on.

Easy!

How you doing, Selecta? You all right, yeah? Yeah.

Angel? Yeah, looks nice.

Angel?

Angel?

THEY TALK

Angel? Angel?

Oh, my God! Yeah! Do you like it?

What, you got him to re-do the T-shirts? Yeah.

That's so romantic! It wasn't romantic, it's just normal.

That just shows how committed you are to me, doesn't it?

Not really. Just needed them done, so don't...

Thank you. Do you like it, yeah?

Ta-da!

Oh, my God. They are stunning!

Oh, thank you so much! You're welcome.

No worries. No worries. Oh, my God.

Craigy boy! Have a look.

One for you, mate.

It looks like she's died!

Oh, man, that T-shirt!

Like she was, you know...

we were at a wake or something.

It was really funny.

Oh!

Stevie...t-shirt.

Sorry. Jesus' eyes were watching me.

No, Miche, it ain't going to go over. No, I can tell.

It's going to squish my do. Put it on, Beats, mate.

Put it on, mate. Come on! Take your top off. Take your top off.

Yeah.

MICHE WHISPERS: All right, shall we go up?

Angel. Will you take pictures? You can take some pictures.

Do you know...? Just go up there.

Just go like that.

Angel, do you wish to be baptised?

Say yes, Angel, yeah?

Yes. Yes? Well done.

Let us pray. Hands together, everybody! Or not, is it?

Here, we are washed by the Holy Spirit and made clean.

Here, we are clothed with Christ,

dying to sin that we may live his risen life.

Decoy.

VICAR SPEAKS

Shall I take Angel for a bit? If you want, mate. Yeah.

Come on! Come to Uncle Beats!

You got her? Yeah, come on.

You give to your faithful people new life in the water of baptism.

Angel. All right.

VICAR TALKS

Just stand closer to me than Uncle Decoy, yeah?

..may serve you in faith and love and grow...

Is that your family over there? Mm. It's a bit weird, innit?

"Ooh, I'm Decoy. I bring my family with me.

"I want to be Godfather."

..Amen. Pathetic.

And now we come to the responses.

Do you reject the devil and all rebellion against God?

Everyone? Yes! I reject them.

The responses are on the sheet. Oh, there's a sheet. "I reject them."

I reject them.

Do you renounce the deceit and corruption of evil?

Yeah, I do. Yes, renounce them. I renounce them.

Do you turn to Christ as saviour?

Yeah. I turn to Christ.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Do you submit to Christ, our lord?

ALL: I submit to Christ, our lord.

CAMERA CLICKS

Christ claims you for his own.

Receive the sign of his cross...

GRINDAH CHUCKLES It's like, yeah, I was thinking,

the power of Christ compels you! Yes, all right, thank you.

Ah, that's from Exorcist, innit?

Yeah!

About the girl's mum noshing people off in hell! Yeah, I love that!

If the father would like to step forward, please.

No worries, mate. I'll take over from here.

Pass me the mic, please, mate. Yeah, sure.

Angel, if you just stand there.

Right...welcome, people.

As you all know, I've had the important decision

of who will be the godfather. Very important. Exactly.

what it is they actually do.

To be honest, I didn't end up watching it all, cos it's quite long.

But the point is, I learnt that it is more than just some little name

given to you by some silly little John in a church. Yeah?

It's about loyalty. Yeah.

It's about respect.

It's about being the head of a crime family.

Which is something we know a little bit about, isn't it? Yep.

So, for that reason,

I feel there is no-one better for the role of godfather...

than...

me! MC Grindah!

I now declare myself godfather!

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Good, good.

We should have actually all had maybe a little drinks

for this bit, like a toast.

The best man won in the end of the day, innit.

Good job, mate. Yeah, same to you, mate.

VICAR TALKS TO ANGEL

..and come to the inheritance of the saints in glory, amen.

You're Christianed!

Thanks, thank you, everybody. Amen! Amen!

Come on then, let's go. Let's go and eat buffet.

Thank you, everybody. Great ceremony, innit?

Yeah, it was really good, man. Craig?

Come on, come with Mum.

GUESTS TALK

Went well.

if she had some next John just always there, like, she'd be like,

"Who's that?" She's got Daddy there, do you know what I mean?

a.k.a The Godfather, like!

Steves! It's time to go.

What you doing?

No, just...just talking to Jesus.

What you saying to him?

Just apologising, cos...

I'm a bit worried that he's put a curse on me.

You're just on a come-down, man.

Come on, we'll get back to Grindah's and we'll sort all this out.

Bye, Jesus.

Going church is definitely one of the most...

like, intense things you can do on a come-down, really.

Oh, wait a second.

'But I just try and avoid comedowns as much as possible.'

MUSIC: Party Hard by Bob Bradley

ANGEL: # Getting down to the old school... #

Go on, give it a go, Craig.

MICHE SIGHS

I just think - listen to me, Miche - I just think

Decoy would be a better choice, that's all.

It doesn't really matter, cos all that matters

is that Angel's going to go heaven.

And he's the perfect man, that's what I think.

Oh, whatever, Mum. Nobody's perfect.

If he ain't, he'll fucking do till Mr Perfect turns up.

Cheers, darling. I would smash him into next week.

Mum! I would! I don't care!

He'd wake up and be like , "Ooh, what day is it?"

And I'd be like, "It's next week, darling!" Oh!

SHE LAUGHS

KARAOKE MUSIC

ANGEL SINGS

Beats! Decoy! Ready for you, mate!

Ah, I got to go do this Jah ceremony to help Steves with his come-down.

Is that....? Yeah. Sweet.

Take a seat there.

Yeah! Yeah! Miche! Miche!

Huh?

How about Angel? I have got it all ready.

Nah, I think just do her when she's older. Sure?

Cos we have hotboxed her room out, so we are good to go,

so just letting you know.

All right, sweet!

But no. Probably not.

'Miche is lovely and I reckon she's doing her best, but, you know...

'with an absolute twat in the house,'

how can...how can he be a good father?

Well done. ALL: Yay!

Oh, Princess, look at you. Who wants cake? Yeah. Do you want cake?

Yeah, I'll have some.

Happy christening! What sort of portion control do you...?

Mm!

Steves, this is for you mate, all right?

We'll get you back, keep toking it.

# If it wasn't for the girl you're holding tight

# If it wasn't for the girl you're holding tonight...#

I watched this documentary once,

where they all just go into a hill in Jamaica

in a fucking big tent and just chill and blaze, do you know what I mean?

And that's how you cleanse yourself.

With the power of Jah Rastafari!

What is Rastafarianism?

..with a geezer called Bob Marley and...

he just blazed a lot, made some of the best music in the world.

Boom, there you go. The rastas was born.

MUSIC: Play Hard by David Guetta ft. Ne-Yo and Akon

Ugh! I can feel it now.

I can feel the curse being lifted.

Five, six, seven, eight. Go on, then!

One, two.

Go on, Ange! Oh, yeah!

Oh, I love it! I love it!

Ooh. Whoo!

Agh!

# Got a gang of cash and it's going all on the bar

# And it's going fast cos I feel like a superstar... #

MUSIC CONTINUES

Easy. Just exorcised Steves' come-down.

Jesus has been defeated!

# The only thing we know how to do

# Said it's the only thing we know how to do

# Work hard, play hard

# Work hard, play hard We work hard, play hard... #

That's it. Spin her, spin her!

# Keep partying like it's your job Work hard, play hard... #

Now you spin me. Oh, my goodness!

# Work hard, play hard. # We work hard... #

Spin mummy, Ange. Spin Mummy.

# Keep partying like it's your job... #

'Yeah, I made the right decision with the whole godfather thing.

'I mean, at the end of the day,'

you don't send a boy in to do a man's job, do ya?

Yeah, but you know that I'll always be there for you anyway, so...

'Nah, I checked it out and there's not actually that much to it.

'It's just good to get her done, know what I mean?

'Yeah, set her up for life and that.

'Exactly. Cos, like...'

if she does end up going down a darker path or whatever,

like...becoming a brass or a murderer or whatever,

then I know she'll always go heaven.

Yeah. Straight into the VIP.