Original subtitles

Oh, Mr. Brown.

Is this some more jumble for our school fete?

Yes, just a few things my students brought in.

What are these?

Sikh underwear from Ranjeet.

Oh, well, I suppose we can always ask the needlework class

to sew up the flies and take a bit off the legs

and put them in as a pair of football shorts.

"Thoughts of Mao", no need to ask where that came from.

Danielle?

Max.

I beg your pardon?

He swears he found it in his pocket

and has no idea how it got there.

Likely story.

Well, you'd better bring this along to my office later

and we'll locked up with all the rest of the staff

until Saturday.

Very well.

By the way, we've got one.

One what?

Don't you ever read the notice board?

Well I don't get a lot of time--

Obviously not.

There has been a notice on the board for the past two weeks

to the effect that we were hoping to get a celebrity

to open our school fete.

Oh, yes, I remember now.

Who have you got?

Robert Dougall.

You remember, he used to read the news.

I've got the art class making stickers with his name

on to put across the posters.

Buenes noches, senora.

Ah, good evening, Mr. Cervantes.

How's your English?

Por favor?

Your English.

You're English, me Spanish.

Sorry I asked.

Where are the others?

- Everybody's coming pronto. - Oh, good.

I come first to talk, how you say, hombre to hombre.

Man to man.

So right.

I have meet a beautiful senorita.

No, no, no.

I have met a beautiful girl.

Just like me. What's her name?

No, no, no.

I haven't met anyone.

I was merely correcting your English.

Spanish.

Yes, why--

Eh, it's all right, it's all right.

Well, I want to take Rita--

that's her name-- away for the weekend holiday.

But she lives with her mother and she think maybe her mother

not let her come away with me. What can I do?

Why don't you ask her mother?

I don't want to go away with her mother.

Ask Rita's mother if you can go away with her on holiday.

You think she say yes?

I have no idea.

What are your intentions?

Por favor?

I'll be blunt.

Are you hoping to get Rita into your room?

No.

Good.

Not my room.

Her room.

I only book one room.

Yeah, well, in that case, I can't help you.

You'll just have to make your own decision.

All right.

Excuse, please.

I am buying you a cup of tea.

Oh, thank you, Ali.

I am buying you a chocolate biscuit.

Oh, thank you, Ranjeet.

Unfortunately, while I'm coming from the canteen,

I am eating it.

Yeah, well, never mind.

It's the thought that counts.

Cheers.

That's funny.

What is it?

This tea tastes like coffee.

Excuse, please.

It is tasting like coffee.

Oh, blimey.

That is explaining it.

Explaining what?

All the time I am being in the canteen, I'm

thinking my coffee is tasting like tea.

Yeah, well, never mind.

I didn't think I'll bother.

Sit down everybody.

All right, we've still got a lot to do tonight.

Max, would you put that cigar out, please.

Sorry, boss.

Right, now before we go any further,

I want to talk to you about the school fete.

We are looking forward to it.

Have they got someone famous to open it?

Yes, Robert Dougall.

Never heard of him.

I am be see him on television,..

Dougal, Florence, and Zebedee.

Jamila, that's a doggy sort of Dougal.

This is Robert Dougall who used to be a newsreader.

He's retired now.

No, that's no good.

It's much better to get somebody who reads the news now,

like that Angela rip-off.

Rippon.

Scusa.

I am liking the other one better, Annie Mini.

Annie Mini.

She is reading the news on ITV.

Anna Ford.

Wrong car.

Miss Courtney should have asked me.

What for?

You're not famous.

No, but I'm a big friend or famous man on television.

Another one of your fairies tales.

It's true.

He's a big star of celebrity square eyes.

Hey, it's not monkey house.

No.

Willie Rushington.

No.

The cockney man.

What, Arthur Mullard?

Yeah, that's him.

Do you know him well?

Like a brother.

He would have been very happy to come and help on the fete.

Well, it's too late now.

We've already got Mr. Dougall.

Now, what I would really like to know is what each of you

are doing to help the fete to raise money.

As you know, whatever we take goes to charity,

so we obviously want to make as much as we can.

With what we think of, we'll make a fortune.

Good.

Tell me what you're doing, Anna.

Jamila and me, we bring some bathroom scales

and we charge 2p for one weighing.

That's an excellent idea.

Ali, what are you doing?

Oh, Ranjeet and I having a very good game.

We are putting empty tins on a piece of wood, and for only 5p,

you can be throwing three ballies

to be knocking them down.

Are there any prizes?

Oh, yes, please.

If you are knocking three tins down,

you are winning one pound.

I don't want to worry you, Ali,

you could lose money on that.

Oh, no, you are being mistaken.

Nobody is knocking down your one tin.

Why not?

We are nailing the tins to the piece of wood.

Very ingenious.

Juan, what are you doing?

I make plenty money with Danielle.

Yeah, but doing what?

Selling kisses.

Also, we have plenty fun.

How much are you selling your kisses for?

5p, 10p, and 15p.

What's the difference?

I show you.

For 5p, you kiss on one cheek.

For 10p, you kiss on both cheeks.

And for 15p--

Hey, I'll but one of them 15p kisses.

I no kiss you!

Not you!

Danielle, you great Spanish..

Hey, you don't speak to me like that, you macaroni face!

That'll do.

Sit down and behave yourselves.

That means you.

All right.

Now, Max, what have you in mind for Saturday?

I tell you.

The boss asked me to tell him.

We both a-tell him.

OK.

We've got a great idea.

We got a great idea.

Jammer jars.

Jammer jars.

- Jam jars? - That's right.

That's right.

You're beginning to sound like an echo, Max.

Do you have to repeat everything Giovanni says?

Sorry, boss.

First, we get the jam jars.

First, we get the jam jars.

Don't you start.

Scusa.

We put the jam jars on the floor--

--and people try to throw 10p into a jam jar.

If they miss, we keep the 10p.

And if they get one in?

They win 5p.

We can't lose!

I don't think you'll get too many takers.

Taro--

Are you doing anything?

Yes.

Swappo shoppo.

Swappo whatto?

Oh, swap shop, oh yes.

Very good.

Mr. Brown, Miss Courtney asked me to remind

you to take the jumble in.

Oh, thank you, Sid.

I'll be there straight away.

Righto.

All right, I shan't be a minute.

In the meantime, would you turn the page 130

and study the chapter on clause analysis?

Max, would you clean the board?

OK, boss.

Oh, no.

Well, how awful!

Are you sure?

Oh, dear.

Yes, well, thank you very much for telling me.

Good bye.

Bad news?

Extremely.

Mr. Dougall has flu.

He is confined to bed.

Oh, great.

There goes our celebrity.

Well, now what are we going to do?

We've got no one to open the fete.

Just a minute.

Max.

Max?

The Greek?

He's not a celebrity.

No, no, no, no, but apparently he knows Arthur Mullard

Do you know the TV chappie?

Oh, yes, I think I know the one you mean.

Speaks a bit like Sidney.

That's him.

Oh, well.

I suppose beggars can't be choosers.

Do you think Mr. Papandrious could get this Mr. Mallard?

Mullard.

Mullard, yes.

Why don't we go and ask him?

What a good idea, Mr. Brown.

All right, Max, I want a word with you.

I was telling Miss Courtney that you know Arthur Mullard.

Well, do you or don't you?

Come on, speak up.

Max, how many times do I have to tell you.

Smoking is not allowed--

Well never mind about that now, Mr. Brown.

You know this Mr. Mullard really well, do you?

We are just like that.

He'd do anything for me.

And you say be happy to open our fete?

Sure he would.

Oh, I expect he's far too busy.

For me, he drop anything.

Good!

Then you can ask him to open our fete on Saturday.

OK, I ask him to--

what?

Tell him to be there by 12:00.

We will pay his expenses, of course.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Papandrious.

You have saved the day.

Now, come along, Mr. Brown.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

You no look very happy.

I'm not very happy.

Oh, blimey.

I am thinking he's dropping clinker.

Fairies tales, Max?

I did meet him--

once.

When?

Two years ago.

I sat next to him on a bus.

Hello, Glad.

Yeah, have you heard the news?

Aye?

They've got Arthur Mullard.

Why?

What's he done?

For the fete.

He's going to open the fete.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I think he's lovely.

He's down at the Redline over the weekend,

pushing down a pile of pennies.

Do you think.

I can get his autograph?

You'd think they'd get someone who could speak a bit

better than him, wouldn't you?

Well, what's the matter with the way he speaks?

He speaks just like you.

He don't speak nothing like me.

He's common.

What are you going to do, Max?

What about?

About your great big celebrity friend that you do not know.

Nothing.

You've got to do something, Max.

Don't worry.

I fix everything.

After class, I go to the pub and telephone Miss Courtney.

I tell her I just spoke to my good friend, Arthur,

and he will be delighted to come and help in the fete.

Unfortunately, he's already engaged.

Why don't you tell us the truth?

I don't think he knows what truth means.

Have you all been studying clause analysis?

Good.

Right. Books away, please.

All right, Ali, what is an adverbial clause?

Oh, Blimey.

Any body?

All right, then, I suggest for your homework,

you all write out the chapter on clause analysis.

All right, it's time to go now.

See you all at the fete on Saturday.

Max?

Yes, boss?

When will you know about Arthur Mullard?

I go to phone him from pub now.

Right.

Oh, listen, Max.

Use Miss Courtney's phone.

I'm sure she won't mind.

Is OK, boss.

Much better if I phone from pub.

Yeah, well, will you let Miss Courtney and me know as

soon as you've spoken to him?

We'll be here for a while yet.

OK.

What do you think of that, then,..

That's very nice, Sid.

Going in for modeling, Sid?

No, just trying on the jacket.

Miss Courtney say everything on the row was a fiver.

And very reasonable.

Can I pay you now, because I won't be at the fete.

I don't see why not.

If we can't have first choice, who can?

Well, there's my fiver.

Right, I'll see Miss Courtney gets it later.

Will you be going to the fete, Gladys?

Oh, I wouldn't miss Arthur Mullard for anything.

Steady now, Arthur.

We don't want it knocked down before Sunday.

No that wouldn't do, would it now?

Are you ready for another pint?

Yes.

I'll be back in a minute.

I'm just going to the whatsit.

What you having?

Half a pint.

Okey dokey.

Two halves, please, miss.

And I'll have a pint of pig's ear.

I thought you couldn't hear very well?

Aye?

He hears when he wants to.

Two halves and some pig's ears, please.

Hey, you'd better go phone Miss Courtney, huh?

OK.

Sid, have you got Miss Courtney's number?

Yes.

What do you want it for?

I've got to phone her about Arthur Mullard.

Oh, him?

Yeah.

You know, Gladdie said I speak like what he does.

Yeah, that-- hey, wait a minute.

What?

I go an idea.

Yes, come over here.

Bring the drinks, Giovanni.

Okey dokey.

Will you make me a favor, Sid?

What sort of a favor?

What sort of a favor?

It's worth a quid.

Yeah?

Who do you want?

Nothing like that.

No, no.

I want you to telephone Miss Courtney

and tell her that you are Arthur Mullard,

and that you won't be able to come and help in the fete.

I thought you was supposed to have fixed all that?

He's not fixed nothing.

He doesn't even know this Arthur Mullard.

Been opening your north and south again, have you?

Will you do it?

Ah, go on, for a quid, I'll do anything.

Hello.

Hello, Miss Courtney.

Maximilian Papandrious here.

I got Mr. Mullard to speak with you.

Hello.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Mullard.

It is kind of you to open our fete on Saturday.

Yes, that's what I was phoning you about.

We can't pay you a fee, but we will

pay your expenses, of course.

Say 50 pounds?

50 quid?

Cash.

Oh, that's lovely.

What time would you like me to be there?

2:30.

2:30?

All right.

I'll see you there on Saturday at 2:30.

Ta ta, Love.

What are you doing?

Are you crazy?

She offered me 50 quid in cash.

Wrong.

She has offered that to Arthur Mullard.

Look everybody thinks I speak like him.

All I need is a bit of a disguise.

And a big pair of stilts.

It's not going to work, Sid.

You're not to fool nobody.

No, no.

Well, at least I tried to help, didn't I?

Cheers.

I've got to get back.

I'm up the creek without a paddle.

You're up the creek without even a boat.

Santa Maria!

What's the matter?

Without turning around, who does the man at the bar

remind you of?

How can I see without turning around?

Just have a quick look.

No idea.

Arthur Mullard!

Nothing like him.

Sure it is.

I bet he'd fool a lot of people.

Especially Miss Courtney.

Hey, you might be right.

Come on.

Scusa.

Yes?

Has anybody ever told you you look like Arthur Mullard?

Arthur who?

Mullard.

He's on television.

I haven't got a television.

Well, never mind.

What are you doing Saturday afternoon?

Why?

We want you to impersonate Arthur Mullard.

What for?

It's just to open a fete.

It's for a very good cause.

Oh, I don't know.

Surely for a half hour.

And you'll be paid.

How much?

Two pounds 50.

Two pounds 50?

Not bad, eh?

Two pounds 50 for only half an hour's work.

Very generous.

Is that the sort of money this Arthur Mullard gets?

Well, might be he gets a bit more.

Three pounds, maybe.

But you're just impersonating him.

Do you think I could do it?

Sure.

You look a bit like him.

Just speak a bit rougher.

Rougher?

This Arthur Mullard is very rough.

Is he?

He speaks just like a slob.

A slob!

That's because he's thick.

I'll tell you something, curly!

What's that?

I am Arthur Mullard.

That's good!

He's getting into the part.

Lil?

Yes, Arthur?

Tell these two blokes who I am.

Arthur Mullard.

Holy ravioli.

He really is Arthur Mullard.

Slob, you called me.

He didn't mean it.

I mean.

You're a loud mouthed, ignorant spaghetti eating twit,

and it's only my good nature that stops

me from punching your head in.

Mr. Mullard?

What?

Does this mean you won't be coming to open our fete?

You must be joking.

Now look what you've done, you and your big mouth!

My big mouth! What about your big mouth?

You started it.

I tell you something.

Arthur is right.

You are an ignorant, spaghetti eating twit.

Listen, Shorty, you get up off your knees and say that.

Don't you speak to me like that!

Don't you push on me like that!

Ah, push off!

Is it raining in the office, Mr. Brown?

Hmm? No.

What?

I'm just checking it.

I'm thinking of buying this.

You know that it is unlucky to put up an umbrella indoors?

Well it's a good job I'm not superstitious.

How's that?

Oh, very nice.

Well you can take those and hand them out.

Right.

Now I think it's time that we were all going home.

Oh, that's funny. - What is?

I don't seem To be able to find my coat.

Oh, I'll help you look.

What does it look like?

Well, it's a sort of tweed mixture

with fur around the cuffs.

And fur on the collar?

Yes.

Oh, dear.

What's the matter?

I thought everything on this rail was for the jumble sale.

What have you done with my coat?

I'm afraid I sold it to Gladys for five pounds.

You've done what?

Don't worry.

I'll get it back.

Sid. - What?

- Where's Gladys? - She's gone.

Oh, great.

Where does she live?

- 29 Cornwall Terrace. - Right.

But wait a minute.

If I know her, she'll be in the boozer.

Finished.

Good.

Now you be more careful next time.

Here are your drinks. - Cheers.

Cheers.

Oy, I shall have to go.

Ta-ta Lil, see you. - Cheerio, Gladys.

- Ta ta, boys. - Goodnight, Gladys.

Hello, Gladys.

Oh, Gladys!

Mr. Brown?

Where is it?

Where's what?

The coat you bought. I need it back.

It's Miss Courtney's.

The coat?

Oh, well, I've sold it?

Sold it?

Who to?

Lil, behind the bar.

Excuse me.

Yes, sir.

What do you want?

A lady's coat.

This may come as a shock to you, sir,

but this is a pub, not a boutique.

No, I mean the coat Gladys sold you.

I must have it back.

A bit kinky, are you?

Pardon?

I've heard about fellows like you,

dressing up in women's clothes.

I don't wear it.

It's our school principal's.

I sold it to Gladys by mistake.

Oh.

Oh, all right.

I'll go and get it.

Thanks.

Hello boss.

What are you doing?

It's a long story.

Here you are.

Oh, thank you.

And here's your five pounds.

10.

Pardon.

I bought it for 10.

Oh, great.

10.

Ta.

Hey, you want a drink, professore?

No, Max, no time.

I've got to get this coat back to Miss Courtney.

Come and kiss the most beautiful girl in France.

5p, one kiss 10p, two kiss.

15p, oooh!

on the jumble stand.

- Jolly good. - And be quick.

Oh, we might sell a few before the official opening.

Hello, boss.

Oh, Max, where's Arthur Mullard?

Well it's like this, boss.

I-- maybe he's had an accident.

- Tell him, Maxy. - What's down here?

Tell me what?

Well, down in the basement, we have a gymnasium.

Very nice.

Oh, Mr. Brown.

This is Mr. Brown, our English teacher.

How do you do?

And you know Max, of course.

Yes.

Very good of you to come.

Well it's all in a good cause, and I couldn't let a mate down,

could I?

I told you he was a friend of mine.

Well, come along now.

It's time we opened the fete.

Oh, Mr. Papandrious, I wonder if you would be awfully kind

and get my coat for me.

I think it's hanging on a rail in the office.

Oh, no!

Now what's the matter?

It doesn't matter.

See you at the fete.