Original subtitles

Enter

Enter.

Did you say enter?

Did you ever think of getting a hearing aid, Sidney?

Beg pardon?

Oh, never mind.

I brought the stockroom key back.

Thank you.

Don't forget, it's the school concert this week.

Pardon?

The school concert.

Oh.

I'll get the hall ready.

Good.

I wonder what Mr. Brown's class is going to do.

Has he mentioned anything to you?

Oh, not Dicky-Bird.

No, no.

As a matter, I don't think any of them want to do anything.

That's nonsense Every class is expected

to put on some sort of show.

Better tell Mr. Brown to come see me at tea break.

Pardon?

Tea break.

Oh, is it?

Oh, I could do with a cuppa.

See you.

All right.

Now, pay attention, everyone.

As you may recall, when last we met,

I gave you each, for your homework,

a different task to do over the weekend.

Hope you've all done them, yes?

Good.

Well, I want you each in turn to stand up

and give me a report on your various activities, all right?

Now, who'd like to begin?

We'll start at the back, shall we, with you.

Jamila.

Your homework was a visit to the cinema.

Would you like to tell us about the film you saw?

Hah.

It was be about most beautiful, top-class

Indian girl who is fell in love with boy from bottom class.

Lower class.

Hah.

But girl's father is sick.

Nobody get married.

So they run away.

But father is catched them and drop off boys leggies.

Later, father is be die.

One day, girl is see beggar man in street.

It is her sweetheart.

Ah, she cries, no leggies.

No matter.

You be marry me.

OK, he say.

I be go and be make myself look nice.

What, with no leggies.

So he go.

"Wait," she cry, and run after him.

And then barong, big motor car hit her and killed her.

It was most miserable film.

And I'm enjoy it very much.

Good. Well done, Jamila.

Very good.

Taro.

Ah so.

Your homework was a visit to London Zoo.

Tell us about it.

I arrive at London Zoo-o.

No, no, Taro.

No.

London Zoo.

Start again.

I arrive at the London-o Zoo.

"London Zoo."

There are no "o's."

Oh, yes, please.

There are two "o's" in "London" and two "o's" in "zoo."

That is absolutely correct, Ali.

But I'm referring to the ends of the words, all right?

Now, carry on, Taro.

But do try and get out of the habit of ending

every other word in "o."

I'll try.

Good.

Went first to see buffle.

"Buffle?"

Like a big bull.

Oh.

"Buffalo."

Taro "confused-o."

Yeah, words that end in "o," like "buffalo" or "radio"

or "vertigo," you pronounce the "o."

But where there is no "o," you don't have one.

Understand?

"Yes-o."

Thank you for that.

All right, Taro.

Thank you.

Right.

Now, Ali.

Yes, please.

I asked you to read one of Shakespeare's plays.

Were you able to do that?

Most definitely.

I'm reading about Sherlock.

You mean Shylock?

Yes, please.

"The Merchant of Venice."

Oh, good.

Carry on.

First of all, there is a lady, Porter.

No.

Her name was Portia.

Yes, please.

Now, a man called Bassanio is fancying

this lady Porter, er, Portia.

But he's broken.

Broken what?

Stony broken and no money.

Oh, you mean "broke."

Yes.

Carry on.

So he's going to see his friend,

Antonio, and saying, oh please be lending me 3,000 buckets.

"Ducats."

Sorry, please.

But Antonio was also broken, so he's

going to Shylock, the money-leading man,

and asking him to lend him the money.

Shylock is agree, but on one condition.

If in three months time, he's not paying him back the money,

then Shylock could cut off a pound of Antonio's fleshy.

Why is he wanting a pound of human flesh?

Might be he's one of them cannonballs.

"Cannibals."

Oh no.

He's doing this because he's not liking Antonio.

Anyway, Antonio is in a bigger trouble.

He wrecked all his chips.

"Ships."

Ships.

And he's not been able to pay back the money.

Now, Shylock is wanting his pound of flesh.

But lady Portia is pretending to be a lawyer-man,

and she's saying agreement was for a one pound of flesh,

and no droppies of blood.

Shylock has had it.

How can he have had it when he's not getting?

You damn fool.

You are not understanding the Queen's English.

I know the queen is English.

You think I'm stupid?

Most definitely.

Ranjeet, sit down.

Thank you. Right.

Thank you, Ali. Very well done.

Right.

Now, Su-Lee, your task was a visit to Petticoat Lane.

Petticoat Lane, very disappointing.

Oh?

Why was that?

Not see one petticoat.

Petticoat Lane is just the name of the place.

Look, don't you find marketplaces interesting.

Maketplaces are full of capitalistic traders,

selling inferior merchandise to ignorant working classes,

that inflate the prices.

Chairman Mao, he always said--

Never mind what Chairman Mao says.

Thank you, Su-Lee.

Well done.

All right, Ranjeet, your task was

a visit to Highgate Cemetery.

And I am finding it very interesting.

Good Well, tell us all about it.

Firstly, I'm seeing the burying place of Karl Marx.

Ah, yes.

The father of communism.

But I'm not understanding which one he was.

I'm sorry.

I don't understand.

Was he Chico, Harpo, or Groucho?

Karl Marx was not one of the Marx Brothers.

A thousand apologies.

What else did you see?

I'm seeing many beautiful greystones.

"Gravestones."

That is correct.

And some of them have written on them beautiful words.

I'm writing one down.

"You are gone, my dearest wife.

Still I feel no pain.

For I know at Heaven's Gate, we will meet again."

What's the matter, Giovanni.

I can't help it, Professori.

It's so sad.

That poor husband, he must have loved his wife very much.

Please don't be upsetting yourself.

The husband is being very happy.

How do you know?

He's dying the year after.

Oh, thank goodness.

I'm so happy for him.

And they are both big football fans.

Oh, how on earth do you know that?

He's having put on the stone "United forever."

That, Ranjeet, refers to him being reunited

with his wife in heaven.

Thousand, another thousand apologies.

Yes. Well, thank you.

Well done. Good.

All right.

Giovanni, have you recovered sufficiently

to tell us about your visit to Speakers' Corner.

Okey-cokey First, I take the tube to Hyde Park.

Then for an hour, nothing.

Well, what do you mean nothing?

Nobody was there.

What, at 10:00 on a Sunday morning?

That's right.

Well, that's strange.

There's always people at Speakers' Corner every weekend.

I asked a policeman, why is there nobody here?

And I find out why there is nobody there.

Well, why was there nobody there?

I was at the wrong corner.

Ah, yes, carry on, Giovanni.

Excuse me, Mr. Brown.

Ah, yes, Miss Courtney?

What have you done about the concert?

Pardon?

Is everybody in this school going deaf?

I want to know what you have done about the school concert.

Concert?

There's been a notice on the board for the past two weeks.

You haven't read it?

Well, I--

Mr. Brown had read it.

He was discussing it with us before you came in.

Yes, yes. I was.

Good.

Then what are you going to do?

Well, I expect we'll all be there.

I should jolly well hope you will all be there.

But what I want to know is what your students'

contribution will be.

Contribution?

Yes.

What little party piece are they going to perform?

Party piece? Well, I--

Eh, pardon, senora.

It's going to be a surprise.

Yes.

It's is going to be a surprise.

Well, I don't like surprises.

I want to be quite sure that what they're going to do

will be acceptable.

So I suggest that after tea break, you and your class

can give me a preview of their intended performance?

Right.

Hey.

We'll help you out pretty good, huh?

Yes, but not for very long.

Por favor?

We do have to think of something

to do for this concert in less than half-an-hour.

That's all right.

With your brain, and our talent, no problem.

- To me, Sid. - Pardon?

- To me. - To me?

To me.

- No over here. - Not you.

Me. - To you?

- Right. - Oh.

I got you a nice cup of tea, Mr. Brown.

Oh, thank you, Gladys.

There.

Thank you.

Here, what are you all going to do for the concert?

I shudder to think.

They're outside practicing now.

Oh.

Would you like me to do a bit?

A bit of what?

Well, singing.

I was in the choir.

Jerusalem, Jerusalem, lift up your voice and sing--

Turn it off Gladys.

You'll curdle up the milk.

Oh, don't you be so cheeky.

You like my voice, Mr. Brown?

I think it's remarkable.

Thank you.

I could do a turn, if you like.

What? You, Sid?

Yeah.

You, watch this.

Any old iron?

Any old iron?

Any, any, any old iron?

You all look sweet. Talk about a treat.

You all look dapper from your napper to your feet.

Dressed in style, brand-new tile, and your father's

old green tie on.

But I wouldn't you a tuppence for your old watch

and chain, old iron, old iron.

How's that?

All right.

Come on.

Hurry on up.

All right, Mr. Brown.

All right,

All right. Come along, everybody.

Good, good.

Hey.

Senor Brown.

Yeah.

It's the program for our concierto.

- Oh, for the concert? - Si, si.

Ah, good. Yes.

Good, good. All right, come along everybody.

Miss Courtney will be here any minute now.

I am here now, Mr. Brown.

Well, good.

Would you like to sit there, Miss Courtney?

Thank you.

I do hope I am going to enjoy this.

So do I.

I wouldn't like to be embarrassed in front

of our distinguished guests.

Oh, no-- what distinguished guests?

Quite a few members of the Education Authority

always come to see our concerts.

I don't want a repetition of what happened last year.

What-- what happened?

Mr. Jarvis' woodwork students were quite awful.

They sang bawdy rugby songs out of tune.

Mr. Jarvis still hasn't found another job.

How comforting.

Right, would you all come out here.

When I introduce you, I act as a kind of compere.

Well, I shall stop you if there's anything I don't like.

Right.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen--

Stop.

Is something the matter?

This concert takes place in the afternoon.

Ah Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

I hope you're all sitting comfortably.

Stop.

Now, what was wrong with that?

Mr. Brown, by the time you and your cast come on,

the audience would have been sitting on those hard chairs

for 1 and 1/2 hours.

I wouldn't mention anything about comfort if I were you.

Ah.

Right.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

The English as a foreign language class

is proud to present a potpourri of music and laughter.

And to start us off, we have from Hungary Zoltan Szabo.

Good evening, everybody!

Good afternoon.

Ah!

Good afternoon.

Hungarian magic.

Hungarian paper.

Hui, hui.

Hia!

Second Hungarian Magic.

Stop.

You don't want second Hungarian magic?

I don't think I even want first Hungarian magic.

Oh, well, never mind, Zoltan. That's very good.

Sit down. Yes.

Right.

And now from Italy, the irrepressible Giovanni Cupello.

Graci, graci.

For you, I'm gonna do some impersonations.

Okey-cokey, here we go.

Hey.

You want a nice piece of salami?

I've got a lovely piece for you.

And was that supposed to be?

That's my butcher, Antonio.

We have never heard of your butcher.

Maybe not.

But if you had, it's very much like him.

Don't you do any impressions of any well-known people.

Sure I can.

Jimmy Cagney, in a scene from the film

"Disaster on the Fifth Avenue."

You dirty rat.

You dirty, dirty, dirty rat!

Dirty, dirty.

I'm gonna fix you!

I haven't finished yet.

Well, Mr. Cagney sounds remarkably like your butcher.

And now from France, the delightful Danielle.

Thank you.

La la la la.

La la.

Off.

La la la la, la la.

Off.

La la la la--

off.

Do you know any of the words, Danielle?

I do not sing the words.

I just dance to the music.

And what is all this "off" business.

That is when I'm taking off my clothes.

You can't have that sort of thing going on.

It's not going on.

It is coming off.

Not in my school.

But, I--

Yeah, well, thank you, Danielle.

Well done. Jolly good.

Yes.

And now, from the mysterious East,

we have to sing for you Taro Nagazumi.

I sing for you a traditional Japanese song

called "A Warrior's Lament-o."

Stop.

Why you tell me "stop-o."

Because it was awful.

Oh, I thought it had a certain style.

Yeah.

Sickening.

Sorry.

You no like-o my song.

And now from Germany, will you welcome with her animal

impressions Anna Schmidt.

Danke.

I would like you to come with me on a walk in a Black Forest.

First, we meet a farmer and his dog, woof woof.

The dog is chasing the sheep, baa baa, and the cows, moo moo.

Ah, here comes a man on his horse, neigh, neigh.

No, no, Anna.

Nein.

Neigh, neigh.

No, you're supposed to make the actual sounds, like

or.

I can't do that.

It hurts my throat.

Ah.

Well, thank you for trying, anyway.

Jolly good. Well done.

Right.

And now from China, with something peculiarly Chinese,

will you welcome Miss Chung Su-Lee.

Chairman Mao, he say, "In the conditions within China today,

the contradictions among the people,

compliance accommodations among the working classes,

the contradictions among the peasantry,

the contradictions--" - Stop.

This is supposed to be a school concert, not

a party political broadcast.

Can't you sing or anything?

I can sing a song of revolution.

No,.

All right.

And now it's time for a little comedy,

from Ali Nadim and Ranjeet Singh.

"There's a little yellow idol to the north of Khatmandu."

I am saying, I am saying, I am saying.

Yes, please.

Why is the rhinoceros being like an elephant?

Why is the rhinoceros like being an elephant?

Because neither of them can ride a bicycle.

I did not even know that.

Please be leaving the stage.

"There's a little yellow idol to the north of Khatmandu."

I am saying, I am saying, I am saying.

Stop.

You are not liking us?

No

Oh, what did you expect?

Morecambe and Wise?

If you're wanting, we can be doing Morecambe and Wise.

I could be the fat, short one with the hairy legs.

And I will be the one with the glasses.

All right.

Well, we'll discuss it later.

Thank you.

Very good, very good.

Right.

Our next student to entertain you with a little culture

is Jamila Ranjha.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am tell you

beautiful English poetries by Thomas Gray,

"Elijah Written in Country Churchyard."

"Elegy."

Sorry.

"The curfew tolls the "kuh-nell" of par-ting day." -ting day.

"The lowing herd winds slowly o'er the lea.

The "ploff-man" homeward plods his weary way,

and leaves the world to darkness and to me."

Incredible.

Yeah, I'll work on her pronunciation.

Thank you, Jamila.

And now from Spain to entertain you comes Juan Cervantes.

It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.

Mr. Brown, he tell you, I am from Spain.

That surprised you, huh?

When I speak, I have no accent at all.

In Spain one time, I was going to be the bullfighter.

So one Sunday afternoon, I go to the bullfight

and they put me in the ring.

The bull comes out.

I look at the bull.

And the bull, he look at me.

The bull, he look at me, and I look at the bull.

And you know one thing?

The bull was better-looking than me.

Hey, why you no laugh?

It's all right.

So I not become the bull fighter, because I

don't kill pretty bulls.

Good, huh?

Sit down.

You never saw me dance the flamenco.

I do it very good.

Oh,.

And finally, to complete our contribution,

Greece and Sweden combine, Maximilian

Papandrious and Ingrid Svenson.

OK.

And now my beautiful assistant and I are

going to do some, uh, jiggling.

"Juggling."

OK.

You ready, huh?

I already am.

OK.

Hey!

Ooh.

All we need is a little practice.

We can't afford the plates.

Well done.

Sit down, both of you.

Jolly good.

Well, Mr. Brown, I think--

I think we can write your class off.

Please, Miss Courtney.

The students will be so disappointed.

I mean, we still have three days.

Just give us a chance, eh?

Oh, well, very well.

But remember this Mr. Brown.

Good jobs are hard to find.

Thank you to Weight Watchers.

myself.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your entertainment,

here is Jeremy Brown and his United Nations.

Thank you.