Original subtitles

Quiet!

What do you think you're all playing at?

Squeeze, please.

We are not playing, we are arguing.

You see, I'm five minutes late and you're

all getting at each other's throats already.

He was insulting my prophet.

And he's insulting my guru.

Well, sit down, all of you.

Come on, all of you.

Su-Lee, Taro-- sit.

Danielle, I'm surprised at you.

What were you and Max arguing about?

- Well he-- - Nothing, honest.

I just asked her to come for a Greek meal,

and I thought we could have a little bit of this

and a little bit of that--

It's the little bit of the other that I don't like.

Yeah, well, sit down.

Giovanni, what were you and Juan quarreling over?

He's a making fun of Santa Maria.

Santa Maria, the Virgin Mary?

No, Luigi Santa Maria, the Italian footballer.

Italian footballers animals.

You shut your mouth, you big Spanish onion.

Hey!

Sit down, you.

If you all spent half as much energy on learning English

as you do arguing with each other,

you'd be word perfect by now.

As it is, you still have a lot to learn.

In just over a week, you take your examinations,

and I don't think you're quite ready at all.

Squeeze, please.

You are committing a mistake. - No, I'm not.

You may have mastered a few verbs,

but you speak English atrociously.

All we need is a little electrocution.

Elocution.

OK.

You're quite right, Max.

What you all need is to practice your English conversation.

Now part of your exam will consist of how when you speak

English, as well as know it.

So, before we break for tea, I'm going to go around the class,

and I want each of you to speak for one minute in turn

on whatever subject I give you.

All right?

We'll start with you, Danielle.

Your subject is the seaside.

The seaside.

I like to go to the beach, take all my clothes off

and lie in the sun.

Tell me which beach, I come and watch.

Don't interrupt, Giovanni.

Sit down.

Go on, Danielle.

One weekend, I went to the Isle of the man.

The Isle of Man?

Yes.

But I was very disappointed.

They were not all men.

So, thank you, Danielle. That'll do.

Well done. Ali.

- Yes, please. - Television.

Jolly good.

I'm liking very much the English television.

Every night, I'm watching the crosswords.

Crossroads.

Yes, please.

I'm also liking all the advertisements.

And I am learning lots of useful English things,

like a graded grains making finer flour.

And little perforations.

Yeah, that's very useful.

Only one thing I am not liking.

What's that?

Paying the money for the license.

Not to worry, Ali. Thank you.

Well done. - Jolly good.

Su-Lee, your subject, philosophy.

Very good.

In Democratic Republic of China, philosophy

is for the proletariat, where all property invested

in community, each member working according

to his capacity and receiving according to his

wants, as opposed to Western philosophy,

where proletariat exploited by corrupt capitalists

and imperialistic warmongers

who seek only to oppress working classes

and create class hatred.

Chairman Mao, he say that--

That is not true-- true.

Now sit down.

Jamila, a minute please on art.

Art?

Painting.

Oh, yeah, painting.

I like very much painting.

Last Ved-nings-day, I am did painting.

What, you painted a picture?

No, no picture.

I painting kitchen door.

I don't mean that sort of painting.

I mean works by the great masters,

like Leonardo DaVinci, Turner, Matisse, VanGogh.

Oh, a-cha-cha huh.

Now, last week ending, I am going to tatty gallery.

Tate.

Tate.

And, I am not like what I see.

Paintings of ladies barefoot--

up to here!

Showing their bosoms and all of that.

And also, paintings of undressed gentlemens, showing all the--

Yeah, I don't think we'll go into the details.

That's all right.

Anna, can you speak for a minute on life after death?

Ya.

I do not believe in life after death.

When you are dead, that is the end.

That's not true.

When you die, you go to heaven.

Well, us Catholics go to heaven.

What about everybody else?

Everybody else got to hell.

If heaven is full of Catholics like you,

I would prefer to go to hell.

I don't think we'll pursue that subject

furthermore, if you don't mind.

Thank you, Anna.

Max, a minute, please, on British birds.

I like British birds, especially blondes.

Quiet.

That is not very funny, Max.

Sorry.

Every day in the garden of my lodging house,

I have many birds.

Blacky birds, cocky sparrows, and sometimes, a bluebreast.

Tit.

A blue tit.

OK.

Yesterday, I see a red robin tit.

That's a robin redbreast.

OK. Yes.

And British birds much confusing.

Yeah, well, nevermind.

Well done.

Now, Giovanni, what should we give you to speak about?

Girls.

I don't think so, Giovanni.

Have you any hobbies?

Sure.

My favorite hobby is girls.

Haven't you any other hobbies?

Sure, but not as good.

I know it's difficult for you, Giovanni,

but try and speak for one minute without bringing

girls into your conversation.

OK.

I've got two other hobbies.

The first hobby is making the wine.

What's the second hobby?

Drinking it.

After I drink it, I do my third hobby.

But you don't let me talk about that.

My friend Vinchenso, his hobby is pinching.

What, you mean he's a thief?

No, not a thief.

Well, you said his hobby was pinching.

What does he pinch?

You don't let me talk about that, either.

Thank you, Giovanni, that'll do.

Thank you.

Ranjeet, what can you tell us about evolution?

Nothing at all.

Why not?

I am not knowing what it means.

Well it means the origin of the species,

where we all came from.

Ah, now I am understanding.

I came from Punjab, he came from Italy, she came from France.

Oh, no, no, no.

You're taking me too literally.

I mean I want you to speak about how life itself began.

Thousand apologies.

Life begin when man and lady make love.

Yes, but before that what happened?

They put the light out?

No, no, no.

Darwin's theory of evolution, Ranjeet,

is that life was not created but evolved

from a preexisting form.

The first forms of life were in the sea.

And then came creatures who got out of the sea

and crawled on their legs, then became four legged mammals.

Then came creatures who learned to stand on two legs,

and then came the great apes.

And then came the Muslims.

Don't you call me ape, son of a cross-eyed goat!

Quiet!

Quiet!

If I have any more trouble, you'll both stay

behind for extra study.

Juan.

S , Se or.

Let's hear your observations on the stars.

Por favor?

Ah, s , stars.

There is plenty stars.

Yeah, well, can you name some?

Ah, s .

Sophia Loren, Brigitte Bardot--

Quiet.

Sorry, Mr. Brown.

Just a joke.

Just.

If it isn't too much trouble, can you try being

more serious for one minute?

S , s .

Minute, I speak serious--

for one minute.

Stars in the heavens, plenty stars.

Some big stars, some little stars, some not-so-big stars,

some not-so-little stars, some bright stars,

some dull stars, some not-so-bright stars, some--

Thank you, Juan.

Hey, I no speak for one minute.

Well, I think you've spoken for long enough.

Thank you.

Taro.

Ah, sir.

A minute, please, on childhood.

Not want to speak about childhood.

Why not?

Very bad time for me.

No parents.

No parents?

Santa Maria, he's a miracle baby.

Mother and father killed when I was a small boy.

Childhood very lonely.

Yes,

Taro, I know what you mean.

Did you lose your parents when you were little boy?

Well, I didn't exactly lose them,

I just don't know who they are.

You were an orphan?

Yes.

That's terrible.

Well, one Easter Monday when I was about two weeks old,

I was left on the steps of an orphanage in Jeremy Street.

Hence my name, Jeremy.

Oh.

Oh, deary me.

I'm being very sad for you.

Not having a mummy?

Yeah, well, cheer up, Ali.

What you never have, you never miss.

As a matter of fact, until I was about two,

I was convinced that my mommy was a big, woolly teddy bear.

Well, I must say I do often wonder sometimes whether I

have any brothers or sisters.

Hey, we be your brothers and sisters.

Yeah!

Sure.

We all become one big, happy family.

Yeah!

And I will be your brother.

And I will be your sister.

Well, not quite sister.

Well, that's very kind of you all.

I think we'll break for teak now, all right?

Ah, good evening, Mr. Brown.

Ah, good evening, Ms. Courtney.

Headache?

No, thanks, I've already got one.

Would you like a couple of aspirin?

I think I need a drink, actually.

Strong black coffee might help.

Yeah, a double scotch might help a bit more.

No, I need a break.

A nice, quiet 10 minutes away from my students

will do me the world of good.

A vodka and tomato juice, please.

I am only wanting Coca Cola, please.

Girl!

A glass of milk, please.

Look, I've only got one pair of hands.

Hey, they're beautiful hands.

Oh, thank you.

You're a beautiful girl.

Eh, what did you want?

Brandy.

Oh, look, I'm right out.

I'll have to go into the other bar.

- I won't be a minute. - It's all right.

Hey, what about us, huh?

You'll have to wait!

Hey, boys, look.

Here is Mr. Brown.

What are you all doing here?

Oh-ho, ho-ho!

It's nice to change.

Yes.

Canteen coffee not very good.

Can we be buying you a drinky, please?

Well, that's very kind of you, Ali,

but I've got a bit of a headache.

So if you don't mind, I'll just have

a quiet sit down over there.

Hello, Mr. Brown.

Oh, hello, Sid.

Yes, please.

Don't you ever get drunk?

Every night.

I can't face the wife sober.

You got any family, Sid?

Eh?

You got any family, any children?

Oh, yes and no.

What do you mean, yes and no?

Well, me and Lil, we did have a nickel once.

And I was out of work, had no money, go a bit desperate.

So I wrapped the baby out well, took it out, put it

on the steps of the orphanage.

- An orphanage? - Yeah.

Jeremy Street.

Jeremy Street!

It wasn't on an Easter Monday, was it?

Yes, it was.

Sid's your father?

Are you sure?

Afraid so.

What did he say when you told him?

- Well, I haven't told him yet. - But you mus.

Oh, I don't know.

Some things are best left alone.

I mean, after all, it was a long time ago, nearly 30 years.

The truth, Mr. Brown, must be told.

Do you think it's wise?

I mean, it's a bit of a shock to realize that you're related

to someone so rough and vulgar.

Oh, nonsense.

I'm sure Sid will soon get used to you.

Thank you.

You know, come to think of it, and looking at you now,

there's quite a resemblance.

What, Sid and me?

Yes.

Especially the profile.

Like father like son.

Oh, dear.

What about your mother?

Yeah, what about her?

According to Sid she sounds a right old dragon.

Well, I think it's very romantic.

Enter.

I just brought the stock room key back.

Sorry, I'm not protruding, am I?

No, Sidney, of course not.

Quite the opposite.

In fact, your presence here is most opportune.

Oh.

Mr. Brown has something to say to you, haven't you, Mr. Brown?

Um, yes.

Well, I'll leave you two alone.

What do you want to say, son?

Son?

You just called me son.

Well don't get your knickers in a twist.

I call everybody son.

Except the birds.

Oh.

In any case, I'm old enough to be your father.

Come, sit down, Sid.

Cigarette, Sid?

No, I'm sorry, I've just run right out.

Not at all. I'm offering you one.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

Thanks very much.

Listen, Sid.

You see, what I wanted to ask you is--

Yeah?

Well, well, you see--

how are you keeping?

Oh, good, good, good.

Listen, what is it you want to say to me?

Ah, yes.

Well, you see, it could be a bit embarrassing.

It's not about the Cape of Good Hope, is it?

Cape of Good Hope?

The soap that we use in the wash basins.

Soap?

I only did it once, yeah.

It was near Christmas, and I was a bit short, you see.

And I only flogged about half a dozen.

You sold six bars of soap?

Cases.

I've got a friend of mine in the market.

He sells anything.

I wish you hadn't told me about that.

It wasn't about the soap then?

No, I've never even heard of it.

Is it about the crockery?

Crockery?

Crockery in the canteen.

You haven't been stealing crockery, have you?

I only took about a dozen of each, and some of them

were all chipped.

You'll be telling me next you've been nicking the chairs.

Do what?

Nicking the chairs.

No!

I'd never nick any chairs.

Well, that's a relief.

Can't get them in me pocket.

I wonder if it's hereditary?

Pardon?

Nevermind.

Now look, Sid.

Tell me about your wife, Sid.

What's she like?

Pain in the neck.

You must have been fond of her once.

Nah.

She's always nagging.

Nag, nag, nag.

Well, perhaps she feels neglected.

She deserves to be neglected.

I'd divorce her if it wasn't for one thing.

What's that?

Were not married.

Not married?

Nah, we thought about it but we never got around to it.

Well that's terrible.

Well, it doesn't worry us.

Yeah, but that means I'm-- that-that your-your

your child is-is-is-is--

All right, now--

Don't say it, Sid, please.

Sid, you must get married.

I mean, if only for my sake-- for your child's sake.

I mean, to give it a name.

Oh, it's too late in the day now for that.

In any case, we can't afford it.

I mean she'd want a new outfit and a proper do.

Nah, it'd only be a waste of money.

Look, Sid.

I'll pay.

Do what?

I'll pay for the wedding.

Why?

What for?

Well, I want to.

Can I have a new whistle and flute?

Yeah.

What, and a car and flowers?

Yes.

And a booze up afterwards?

Naturally.

Cor, blimey!

I know it sounds strange, but I have got my reasons.

Look, can you and your wife meet me in the Red Lion Pub

after school tonight?

- Yeah, that'd be all right. - Right.

Well, we'll see you then. - Yeah.

Yeah?

All right.

See you later, son.

Yes.

My own father--

a thief.

Still, I suppose I should be grateful in a way.

If he hadn't left me on those orphanage steps,

and he brought me up himself, what would I be like today?

All right, Dad.

Get after that, you nanny goat.

What?

Down your food.

Oh, thanks, son.

Yeah, you'd better shove that in your skyrocket, as well.

Oh, yeah.

What's this?

There must be 50 quid here.

53.

Where'd you get it from?

Oh, I bumped into a geezer outside, didn't I?

Fell out of his pocket. - Aw.

A chip off the old block, eh?

Ha ha ha.

We going to have enough for afterwards?

No, I'm meeting a few of the lads.

going to bash up a few Spurs supporters,

you know what I mean?

and then a disco, pick up some crumpet, and, uh--

Oh!

Go on our way.

Gotta enjoy yourself, eh?

Good health, son. - Right on.

Here She Cheers.

Mr. Brown?

Mr. Brown? - Yeah, darling.

What did you want?

Sorry, Ms. Courtney.

I was miles away.

Well, did you tell him?

Yeah, well, I don't think I really ought to, actually.

But of course you must tell him, Mr. Brown.

There's no other alternative.

Oh, there is.

What's that?

Well, I could shoot myself.

Danielle?

Oui?

What you do tonight?

Why you ask?

Well, there's a dance at the students' club.

You want to come? - Hey!

I was going to ask Danielle to come with me.

Oh, too bad.

I ask her first.

What you say?

Well, I like very much to dance.

Good.

I show you how to do the Italian shuffle.

You stand like this, then you put your arms around my neck.

I put my arms around your waist, then

we put our cheeks together.

What do we do next?

Who cares.

Oh!

Well, I do hope I'm not interrupting anything.

I was just showing Danielle how

to dance the Italian shuffle.

Yeah, well kindly shuffle back to your seats.

Right.

Now, part of your examination next week

will consist of reading aloud.

That is to say, orals.

So I thought tonight we'd have a practice by reading out a poem.

Ah.

Jolly good.

I'm hearing a jolly good poem last night.

There was a young lady called Nelly who

was tattooed all over in Delhi.

Right down her back was the Union Jack,

and God save the queen on her belly.

Thank you, sir Dom.

Right.

Now, the poem we're going to read

is called "the Daffodils" by William Wordsworth.

All right?

I'm going to ask each of you to read out a line in turn.

I'm going to start with you again.

Danielle.

"I wandered lonely as a clod?

Cloud.

Sorry.

Ali.

"That floats on high or air, valleys and hilleys."

Vales and hills.

Jolly good.

Su-Lee.

"When all at once I saw a cloud--"

Crowd.

Jamila?

"A host of gol-den daff-ee-dillies."

Daff-oh-dils.

Anna.

"Beside ze lake, be-nease ze trees--"

The, the, the.

Ze, ze, ze.

Max.

"Fluttering and dancing in the breeze."

Well done.

Giovanni?

"Continuous as-a the stars-a that shine-a."

Continuous as the stars that shine.

Continuous as the stars that shine.

Better.

Ranjeet?

"And tinkle on the Milky Way."

Twinkle.

Thousand apologies.

Anybody know what the Milky Way is?

S , Se or.

Chocolate.

No, Juan, the Milky Way is a luminous collection of stars.

S , s .

Sophia Loren, Brigitte Bardot.

No, Juan.

Well, go on.

It's your turn.

It's all right.

It's all right.

"They stretched in never ending line."

Good.

Taro?

A-ron-go the margin of the bale."

Well done.

I'm sure Mr. Wordsworth would've found that quite

an uplifting experience.

Mr. Brown?

I've just had a telephone call from your f--

from Sydney.

He asked me to tell you that when you're finished,

he'll be waiting for you in the bar

of the Red Lion with your m--

with his wife.

Oh, hello, Sid.

- Hello, Mr. Brown. - Where's your wife?

Oh, she's gone to the whatsit.

She won't be a, won't be a minute.

So you got the drinks in, then?

Yeah, I told Mavis you'd pay for it when you came in.

Oh, that's very sensitive.

Here, Sid.

Where's that teacher, then?

Meet the wife.

Don't laugh.

Hello!

Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Um--

You may call me Ma.

Oh, uh, Ma.

Yeah!

Is it true what Sid says, that you're

going to pay for our wedding?

Yes, Ma.

Oh, we're ever so grateful.

Ain't we, Sid?

Yeah, we are.

But what I don't understand--

Yeah, well, I'll try and explain.

You see, remember what you told me

about leaving your little baby at an orphanage i

Jeremy Street?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, one of the reasons why I want you to, uh,

to get married is so that your child will be legitimate.

Oh, what a lovely thought!

Oh, I'ms give you a kiss!

Yeah, well, I'm going to tell you something.

That was 30 years ago that you left

that baby at that orphanage in Jeremy Street?

Yeah, it was about that time, yeah.

- On an Easter Monday? - Yeah.

Yeah, well, I was left at an orphanage

30 years ago in Jeremy Street on an Easter Monday.

Do you hear that, Sid?

What a coincidence!

If I told you I was that baby, would

you say that was a coincidence?

It'd be a blooming miracle.

Why?

Because our baby was a girl!