Original subtitles

Ah, good evening, everyone.

Ah, good evening, professor.

All right, sit down.

Good evening.

Good heavens, Ranjeet, you're actually here on time.

Yes.

Well done. Now, where's my--

Oh, yes, thank you, Juan.

And thank you for carrying it.

What?

Oh, yes, thank you very much.

Thank you.

You Spanish creeper.

You-- you an Italian..

All right, settle down everybody.

We've got a lot of work to do tonight.

Right--

Excuse, please.

Uh, just sit down a minute, Ali, will you?

No thank you.

I'm only coming to tell you I'm not coming.

Not coming?

Yes, please.

Well, but you can't leave in the middle of a term.

I mean, you were doing quite well.

Why do you want to leave?

Oh, blimey, I'm coming up on the puddles.

Coming up on the puddles?

Yes, please, the football puddles.

Oh, the football pools.

Yes, and I'm getting eight scoring draws.

How many draws on the??

Only the eight I am getting!

How much do you win?

Oh, blimey, it could be half a million pounds.

Aye, aye, aye!

Santa Maria!

Ah, I'm very happy for you, because you are my best friend!

He's also my friend.

I am too friend of Ali!

You?

But of course!

We are practically bloody brothers.

I thought you didn't like Muslims.

I love Muslims, especially when they are

having a half a million pounds!

Uh, well, I don't know what to say, Ali.

I mean, I'm very pleased for you, of course.

I'm also being very pleased for me.

Yeah, what will you do?

Oh, blimey, I'm going to the bed.

To bed?

Yes, please.

With all that money, I'm not needing to be working.

So I'm going to bed.

You mean you're going to retire.

Most definitely.

Ah, you quite sure you've got eight score draws?

Oh, yes, I got the copy.

Here, please, the one I am ticking off.

I see.

Yeah, well, Ali, I don't think you're going

to be able to retire just yet.

You mean he's not got eight draws?

No, he has. He's got the eight.

He's got eight draws, but--

Oh, good.

They're not all on the same line.

What difference is that making?

Well, it means you haven't won anything.

Nothing at all?

Nothing at all.

Ha,.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Loco!

Muslim do it--

no brains whatsoever!

Oh, blimey, you are changing tune.

When you are thinking that I am very wealthy,

you are being my bloody brother.

That is before I am finding out you are bloody stupid!

Don't you call me bloody stupid, you bearded baboon!

Quiet, the pair of you, and sit down.

I-- I presume you're staying now.

Are you?

I'm staying now, yes.

Good, right.

Now, this evening I thought we'd try some practical use

of the English language by acting

out various situations that you might come across in real life.

Now, we'll start with you, Taro.

Now, you are going to the bank.

Bank-o?

Yes-o.

Where are you going?

Bank-o.

No, no, it's only a pretend bank.

Pretend-o?

Yes-o, y-yes.

Look, we'll imagine that this table is the bank counter,

that I'm the bank clerk, that you are a customer,

and you've come in to cash a check, all right?

OK-o.

Good morning, sir.

It is-o not good morning time.

It is-o good night time.

Yes, it is now.

But we are pretending.

Ah, so.

Carry on. - Thank you.

Good morning, sir.

- One moment-o. - What is it now?

Are you Barclays-o or Midland-o?

It doesn't matter, Midland if you like.

Good morning, sir.

Goodbye.

Goodbye?

Midland-o not my bank-o.

Barclays-o my bank-o.

Yeah, all right, it's Barclays.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

You wish to cash a check?

Yes, please-o.

Good, how much--

10 pounds, 20, 30? - 30-o.

How do you want it?

In money, please-o.

30 pounds in tens, ones, or fives, or what?

Can I have 30-o fives-o?

No, that would be 150 pounds!

- Oh, sorry for mistake-o. - Yeah, well, not to worry.

Thank you, Taro. That's not too bad.

Now, who shall we have next?

Ah, Danielle.

You are the nicest banker I have seen.

Eh, so we're not in the bank now.

I want you to imagine something different.

Mm, I have very good imagination.

Yes, I'm sure you have.

Now, I want you to-- uh, you are going to the post office,

and I am the assistant.

Oh, mm-- excuse me, can you help me?

Certainly madam, what is it you wish?

How much it is a letter to post?

Is it to somewhere in England?

No, it is a Swiss letter.

A Swiss letter?

Yes, I write to my boyfriend in Switzerland.

Yeah, well, it's more correct to say

that you want to send a letter to Switzerland,

not a Swiss letter.

It could be rather embarrassing if you were

writing to someone in France.

Pardon?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

It's not--

I think I need some extra English lesson.

Maybe I could stay here with you after class?

No, I don't think we could do that.

Well, I-- I come home with you, and you

can teach me a lot there.

Yes, I'm sure I could.

But I think you know quite sufficient already.

Now, is there anything else you want?

Yes, but I cannot tell you here.

Oh!

From the post office?

No, nothing.

Mm, well, all right--

thank you, Danielle.

That will do.

Now, Juan?

Si, se or.

You are going to the employment exchange.

Por favor?

Well, you're going to get--

to get a job.

Ah, I have job.

Yeah, I know that.

But we're assuming that you don't

and that you're going to the employment exchange to get one.

As I explained to Taro, we are just pretending.

Ah, sorry.

Ah, right, what is your name?

You know my name.

Yes, I do.

But the clerk at the job center doesn't.

Ah, si--

Juan Cervantes.

Oh, right. Are you married?

Si, I'm married to Gina Lollobrigida!

Don't be ridiculous.

Pretending.

Touche-- all right, what sort of a job are you looking for?

A plenty money job.

Yeah, but what sort of work do you want to do in order

to earn this plenty money?

Plenty little.

All right, Juan, thank you.

That'll be sufficient.

Pity, I like it, a very good game.

Thank you, Juan.

Right, so now, Ranjeet?

What is it you are wanting me to do?

Ah, you are going to the doctor's.

And what is the nature of my complaint?

Well, let's just say that you don't feel well.

But I am never feeling better.

Yeah, well, pretend you have a cold.

A cold what?

All right, let's forgot about the cold.

Just imagine that you have to pain.

Very well, sir.

Well, go on.

A thousand apologies, I am waiting for you to say next,

please.

Doctor always say next, please.

Next, please.

Good morning, doctor.

Good morning.

And what seems to be the trouble?

I have terrible pain.

Whereabouts?

In my imagination.

You're supposed to pretend it's a real pain.

A thousand apologies again.

I have real, terrible pain.

Good, now, whereabouts is this pain?

In my foot!

But his brains are hurting.

Your backside will be hurting in a moment!

Oh, blimey, you couldn't even crack a..

I'll give you!

I'll give you bunches of!!

Ah, Miss Courtney.

What on earth is going on in here?

Well, we were just having a few practical lessons.

What in, unarmed combat?

Well, It might come in useful.

Ah, well, I'm afraid your students will have to do

without you for a little while.

You're wanted down at the police station.

The police station?

There's no need to look so guilty.

It's nothing you've done.

It's about one of your students, the Indian lady.

Oh, Jamila-- well, has something happened to her?

Yes, she's been arrested for shoplifting.

Hello?

Constable Wilkins?

Where the devil are you?

You should have been back here by now.

Pardon?

No, I will not send a panda car for you.

I don't care if someone has pinched your bicycle.

Pinch somebody else's!

Would you like a cup of tea?

Tea?

Cup of?

Oh yes, please, no thank you--

four sugar.

Don't run away.

Oh, Jamila, are you all right?

What did she say, Ali?

In English!

Oh, excuse me, please-- she's saying

that she's very glad that we are coming to help her escape.

Look, ask her what she stole.

Well?

Nothing.

She must have said more than that.

Yes, please, she is saying that she

took a book from the newspaper shop, but the book was free.

Well, there's obviously been some misunderstanding.

I'll-- I'll sort it out with the police.

Will they be sending her to prison?

No, no, no, no, I don't think it's drastic as that.

Uh, I'll have a word with the sergeant

Ah, 5 pounds ought to do it.

Ah, I am understanding.

That is a fine.

No, no, no, it's not exactly a fine.

Let's just say it's a little gift.

Gift?

Yes, it's an old English custom.

I scratch your back, you scratch mine.

Ah, you scratch my back, I scratch yours.

That's right.

Very well, where are you being itchy?

No, no, no, that's not--

Good evening.

Good evening.

Are you Mr. Brown?

No, he's Mr. Brown.

I was speaking to him.

In that case, you were right the first time.

Who are you?

Ali Nadim.

No, I am Ali Nadim.

You are Mr. Brown.

Yes, Ali, I'll do the talking, all right?

You just leave it to me.

Now, I'm sure we can sort this out, inspector.

The commissioner looks after promotions here, sir.

Yes, well, you look like an inspector.

I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

May I compliment you on your station

and what a wonderful job you're doing?

Thank you, sir.

Now, about this young lady--

Ah, yes, I expect you'd like to have

a look at my driving license.

What for?

Oh, to verify my identity.

You said you were Mr. Brown.

Yes, but you want some proof, don't you?

Look, if you tell me you're Mr. Brown,

I accept that as the truth.

Yes, but I could have been lying.

Were you lying?

Ah, no, he's definitely Mr. Brown.

He's telling the truth.

Ali!

I insist you look at my driving license.

Oh, very well, if it'll make you happy.

Is this your, sir?

Pardon?

This 5-pound note, it was inside your driving license.

Are you sure?

It could have dropped out of your trouser pocket.

Oh, yes, and dropped upwards, I suppose, onto the desk?

You might have had it tucked up your sleeve.

Yes, and I could have a couple of doves up the other,

but I haven't.

It was definitely in your license!

Yes, sergeant is correct.

I remember you putting it there not a moment ago.

I'd forgot.

It was just before you said, you scratch my back,

and I scratch yours.

Thank you, George Washington.

No, I'm Ali.

Yeah, Ali, just-- just be quiet, please.

Now, sergeant, about this young lady--

Yes, the accused.

Yes, Will remember British justice.

I mean, a person is presumed innocent until proven guilty.

And this poor lady is innocent!

I know that.

And just because she's is an immigrant,

you can't go picking--

pardon?

Oh, she pinched a book, all right.

But she thought it was..

See what it says on the front cover?

Free inside, color supplement?

That's right.

Ah, and she thought the whole thing was free.

Yes.

Ah, well, then it's not her fault.

If anyone's to blame, it's the person who's

been teaching her English. It's It's not always easy.

Well, if that's all, we'll be getting along.

Come along, Jamila.

Ah, oh,

Before you go, sir, would you like to make a donation

to our police charity fund?

Yes, well, you've caught me at,

ah, rather an awkward moment.

What about the fiver?

You remember, sir-- the one you thought you never had.

Oh, that fiver.

You know what they say, sir.

What you've never had, you never miss--

unless, of course, you knew it was there

all the time, in which case it would come

under bribery and corruption.

You scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours.

I see Mr. Brown is not back.

Now, what are you doing at the moment?

We are studying our English grammar.

Good, how far have you got?

Let me see your book.

Giovanni, Miss Courtney would like to see your book.

I want to see your book.

Thank you.

"The Affairs of a Call Girl."

I thought it was about the adventures of a telephone

operator, honest.

A likely story--

well, until Mr. Brown returns, I shall take the class.

,, where are you taking us?

I am not taking you anywhere.

I am going to ask you a few questions on general knowledge.

Pardon.

Now, first of all, can anyone tell me

who said, "To be or not to be?"

Please, you just said it.

Yes, but before I said it, who said it?

Excuse, please.

Yes?

Chairman Mao.

It may come as a surprise to you to know,

but other people wrote things besides Chairman Mao.

Chairman Mao light everything.

Well, he certainly didn't light--

write, "To be or not to be?"

Now, does anybody know?

William Shakespeare.

Correct.

Excuse, please, who is this William Spear-shake?

Shakespeare.

A thousand apologies.

Are you not familiar with Shakespeare's works?

Is it a big place?

Is what a big place?

These works of Shakespeare.

I am referring to the things he wrote.

Ah,.

Now, then, can anyone tell me what the population of England

is?

Miss Schmidt? - Yeah, English.

Not any longer--

however, what I really meant was, how many people are there?

I do not know.

I have not counted them.

Well, let me ask you a simple question--

Mr. Nagazumi.

Ah, so.

Can you tell me how many p's there are in a pound?

Depend on size of peas.

I think you had better all go back to studying your books

until Mr. Brown returns.

He surely can't be much longer.

I wish she'd tell us why she's brought us back here.

She just said she was having something to show you.

Oh.

What did she say?

She's saying thank you for saving

her from the police and hopes that you

will do the same next time.

Yeah, well, I hope there's not going to be a next time.

Free offer, 2p off each tin?

Hmm, super-mark.

Supermarket-- well, they've obviously been having a--

oh no.

Free offer-- you haven't been taking

things from the supermarket!

Oh deary me!

You can say that again.

Oh deary me.

We must go back and see that police sergeant

and scratch his back again!

We can't do that!

He'll never believe this was a mistake.

I mean, pinching a magazine is one thing,

but knocking off half a supermarket's

a rather a different matter.

On the other hand, we can't let Jamila

keep all these stolen goods.

It's-- it's just-- it's dishonest.

She can give them to me.

I don't mind being dishonest.

I'm sure you don't.

No-- no, now listen, Ali, I want you to go back to the school

and ask all the students to meet Jamila

and I outside the supermarket.

What are we going to be doing?

We're going to be putting all these things back.

Hello, Gladys, is everything locked up?

Yes, Miss Courtney--

by the way, I don't suppose you could give me a lift.

Oh, I'm sorry, Gladys.

I'm not going straight home tonight.

There are one or two things I want from the supermarket.

Ah.

Right, now, you all know what to do.

Just be very, very careful that nobody sees you, all right?

What are you doing here?

Ah, uh-- yeah, well, I suppose you could say it was

an extra-curricular activity.

Sir, excuse me, it's stuck!

What are you doing with that jar??

Trying to get it out!

Yeah, well, it's a long story, Miss Courtney.

I'll explain later.

Let me give you a hand.

Oh, uh, pull, pull!

All right, I've been watching you lot.

Just what do you think you're doing?

Would you believe we were putting things back?

No.

I didn't think you would.

Well, well, well, regular little Fagin, aren't you?

I can explain, sergeant.

You're not going to show me your driving

license again, are you? - No.

That's a relief.

You see, we were actually trying to return the goods.

I mean, ask the students.

Quiet!

Now, look here, sergeant.

It was obviously just a misunderstanding,

and I see no reason why you should pursue this any further.

I'm sorry, madam.

Miss, if you don't mind.

Yes, well, I'm afraid I shall have to make

a report out on this affair.

Oh, look, couldn't you just forget it ever happened?

No.

Well, I'm sure your police charity

fund wouldn't say no to another contribution, sergeant.

Well we're always grateful for anything, sir.

Ah, shall we say another 5 pounds?

That's very generous of you.

Ah, right-- right, come along, everybody.

Just a moment, Mr. Brown.

Where are you going?

I have not made out my report yet.

Yeah, but I've--

I've just given you 5 pounds to-- forget it.

Oh no, sir, you very kindly donated

5 pounds to our charity fund.

It wasn't meant as a bribe, was it, sir?

No.

Good, now, let's take a few names.

You, madam-- sorry, Miss--

Courtney.

Thank you.

You, sir--

What's your name?

How do you spell that?

That's not his name.

Oh, giving me a false name, eh?

I'll come back to you, Mr. Por Favor,

or whatever your name is.

You!

Yes, please.

What is your name?

Oh no, What is not my name.

I don't want to know what your name is not.

What is your name?

And I'm telling you it is not.

You, what is his name?

Nein.

Ah-ha, now we're getting somewhere--

Mr. Nine.

That is not his name.

You just said it was.

You asked me if his name is What, and I tell you nein.

What is not his name, but also not Nein.

I've gone around the bend!

What is his name?

Absolutely not.

Not what?

That is correct.

What is your name?

Wrong again!

He's not here.

Who's not here?

What?

No, Who is not here, and What is not here neither.

You're all barmy.

Mr. Brown, if I promise not to proceed with this report,

will you do me a favor?

Yes, what is it?

Get these crackpots out of here,

and promise never to bring them back, even

if they've committed murder!

Good evening, Miss Courtney, or should I say??

Please don't remind me of last night's unfortunate incident.

Sorry.

I hope you've explained to your Indian lady

the difference between free and free offer.

Oh, yes, she understands it now.

Don't worry.

It won't happen again.

Ah, excuse me.

I'm looking for a Jamila Ranjha.

Are Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I hope not.

Why do you want Jamila?

Well, she ordered a minibike from us a month ago,

and she hasn't paid for it.

We sent her three invoices.

She actually ordered the bike?

Oh, yeah, she sent in the coupon.

Look, here it is.

Oh no, she's done it again-- seven-day free trial.