Original subtitles

Enter.

Squeeze me please, lady.

Yes, what is it?

I'm coming here

for to be learning the English.

You're early.

Oh no, I'm Ali.

I beg your pardon.

My name is Ali, Ali Nadim.

I'm coming here for to be learning the English.

Ah, yes, yes.

You wish to join our new class, English as a foreign language.

Yes please.

And I'm hopping to be unrolled.

Hopping to be unrolled?

Like it say in your silly bus.

You mean hoping to be enrolled.

That is what I said.

Hopping to be unrolled.

Yes.

Well, I'm afraid you cannot be unrolled--

enrolled until the English teacher arrives.

She should be here in a few minutes.

In the meanwhile, perhaps you would

care to wait in the classroom.

Go down the corridor, turn left at bottom

and wait in room five.

Understand?

No.

Well let's start again.

You go down the corridor.

Down corridor.

Good. Turn left.

Turn left.

Right.

R-- but you are confusing me.

Left or right?

Left!

Look.

You just go down the corridor, turn left

and wait in room five.

Room five.

Ah, now I am understanding you.

Room five.

Yes.

Jolly good, thank you.

Oh, dearie me, I'm not going where I am looking.

No, I wasn't looking where I was going.

That makes the two of us.

Excuse me, sorry.

Enter.

Mrs. Courtney?

Miss.

Ah, sorry.

I'm your new teacher, Jeremy Brown, BA, Oxam.

You're a man.

Yes.

Well, this is most unsatisfactory.

This won't do at all.

Oh, I assure you, my credentials are impeccable.

Academically, perhaps.

I'm talking about sex.

I also assure you my morals are perfectly respectable, too.

I'm referring to the fact that you are a man.

I distinctly requested the local authority

to send me a woman teacher.

Especially in view of what happened with Mr. Warburton.

Mr. Warburton?

Yes.

He was teaching English to foreign students last term.

I'm afraid he only lasted a month.

Then he departed.

Dead?

Demented.

Yes, the strain was too much for him.

Typical of the male sex, no stamina.

Oh, he seemed to be able to cope at first.

And then one day, he just snapped.

It was really quite disgusting.

Really?

What did he do?

Climbed out of the classroom window onto the roof,

took off all his clothes and stood there stark naked,

singing "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts."

Very distressing.

Well, there's no need to worry on my account.

I mean, I'm not likely to climb out of the classroom window.

I know you aren't.

Oh, thank How you for your confidence.

It has nothing to do with confidence.

We've had the window frames nailed down.

How very thoughtful.

Well, I really would appreciate the job, Mrs. Courtney.

- Miss. - Miss Courtney.

I am qualified, and I rather do need

a job, what with the economic situation and inflation--

All right, there's no need to whimper.

You can start immediately. - Thank you.

On a month's trial.

Thank you.

If you last that long.

I'll do my best.

Where will I find my students?

Class five, down the corridor and turn left.

Right.

I'm looking forward to meeting them.

I'm sure we're all going to get along extremely well.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Quiet please!

Silence!

I'm pleased to meet you all.

We are also pleased to be meeting you.

I am Brown.

Oh, no.

You are committing a mistake.

A mistake?

Yes, please.

You are not brown.

We are brown.

You are white.

My name is Brown.

I am your teacher.

Ah, you professore.

Yes, well I--

Quiet, please.

Thank you.

Right.

Would you all like to sit down?

Sit down.

I'll just take a note of all your names,

nationalities and occupations.

Yes?

Well, I haven't the faintest idea what you are saying,

but I'm sure you're not trying to find the needlework class.

It doesn't matter.

Have a seat.

Sit down.

No, not there.

There.

Right.

I'll just go around the class and take your names.

Ah, yes.

What is your name?

Maximillian Andrea Archimedes Papandrious.

I think I'll just put you down as Max.

I take it you're Greek?

Is right.

From Athens.

Good.

And what is your job?

I walk with sheeps.

You walk with sheeps?

You're a shepherd?

You work on a farm?

Oh, no, no, not farm.

But you just said you work with sheep.

No, no, no, no.

Sheeps.

Big sheeps.

Ships!

Yes, sheeps.

Tonkers.

Tonkers?

Tankers!

Right Right.

I work in office.

Thank you.

And your name?

Anna Schmidt, German au pair.

Usual German efficiency?

Germans are always efficient.

Not-- sir.

Japanese much more efficienter.

Nein, Germans are the best.

Japanese make much better television and all cameras.

Please, let us have no racialism.

In this class all are equal.

Your name.

Giovanni Capello.

Italian.

Where do you work?

- I work in. - A waiter?

No, not a waiter, a cuckooda.

Cuckooda?

Si, I cooka da ravioli, I cooka da spaghetti,

cooka da lasagne.

I cooka de everything.

A chef.

OK, a chef.

Can I have your name?

What is your name?

Me, Jeremy Brown.

You--

Max, Anna Schmidt, Giovanni Capello, you?

Oh,

Yes, yes, write your name down.

Good, good.

It's no good.

I need your name in English.

No Urdu?

No Urdu.

Ah, certificate of registration.

Jamila Ranjha, housewife.

Thank you, good.

And your name?

I am Ali Nadim.

We met before.

I'm working at the moment not anywhere at all.

You're unemployed?

Yes, please.

Only one day I'm working.

What do you do then?

I'm going to you got unemployment extension for

to be collecting my money.

Oh, blimey.

I get more money for not being working than when I am working.

Yes but before you discovered this secret of eternal wealth,

what did you do?

Blimey.

I worked.

At the Taj Mahal.

- In Delhi? - Oh, no.

Pardon me.

Taj Mahal Restaurant.

Jolly good.

A thousand apologies for my lateness.

The omnibus was going backwards.

Are you sure?

There must be a more logical explanation.

It is the absolute truth.

I was told to be taking a number 27 omnibus.

And I complained.

But it went in a backward direction.

No, I think you meant it was going the other way.

That is the gist of what I am saying.

1,000 apologies.

Perhaps you'd like to sit

next to Ali, your countryman.

I can't sit there.

It's impossible!

- Why is it impossible? - I am Sikh!

Oh, dear.

I hope it's not contagious.

Perhaps you ought to come back when you're better.

I do not comprehend the gist of your conversation.

You said you were sick.

No, no, no, no.

I am not referring to my physical state of mind.

My religion is Sikh.

And he is Muslim.

Islam is the only true faith.

And Muslim for a false prophet.

How dare you be speaking about God's holy mission, you fool?

Sikhs are unbelievers and infidels.

Sikhs are peace-loving people.

And if you are not careful, I will

have much pleasure in dispatching

you unholy messenger with this!

I will not tolerate any religious intolerance.

Now put that knife away.

He called me an infidel.

Well, he didn't mean it, did you?

Most definitely.

I swear by the five rivers of Punjab

to slice your throat from there to there.

Ear to ear.

Here to there or there to here.

I will slice him!

There will be no throat-slicing in my class.

If you want to do that sort of thing,

you should have joined the sports and pastimes.

Put your knife away and be a good chap and go and sit down.

How do you feel about Roman Catholics?

Oh, I treat them like my brothers.

Good.

Well, you can go and sit next to Giovanni.

Infidel!

Gentlemen, please.

You are here to learn English not start a holy war.

And what is your name?

Ranjeet Singh.

And you are from which country?

Punjab.

And what is your job?

I am a very important member of the British underground.

Underground what?

Just the underground.

Mind the doors!

Oh, that underground.

And your name?

Taro Nagazumi.

My name card.

Japanese.

Representative of electronics.

Very good, very good.

And finally, your name?

Your name.

What is your name?

Juan Cervantes from Seville, Senor.

No need to ask what nationality you are?

Spanish!

What is your job?

Tree logger.

Tree logger?

What, do you log trees?

One gin tonic, two whiskey coca, three lager.

Three lagers.

Si.

Oh, you work in a bar.

Si, si, bar, bar.

Are we all right, Mr. brown?

Yes, thank you.

Apart from one attempted murder and a possible race riot,

I seem to be coping reasonably well.

Well, what I really came to inform you about

was the registration fees for the students.

Now it's five pounds per head.

And I should be grateful if you would collect the money

and bring it to my office in your tea break.

Right, I'll do that.

Well, we have one thing to be grateful for anyway.

Sex won't be rearing its ugly little head.

I beg your pardon?

Well, in my experience, it isn't race or religion

that causes the problems.

It's usually the presence of some foreign beauty.

Jealousies, intrigues, all that sort of thing.

Yes, well looking at my class, I

don't think we'll be too bothered

with anything like that.

I come to learn English.

Have I come to the right place?

Enter.

Mrs. Courtney--

Miss.

Miss.

I've just brought the registration fees

for the students. - Ah, good.

Now how many students have you?

Nine.

So there should be 45 pounds in there.

Well, that all depends upon the rate of exchange.

I don't quite follow you.

Not all of them had five pounds in English money.

So I collected 29 pounds 50 in sterling,

and the rest is made up of 2,000 yen, 3,000

lire, 250 pesetas, 75 drachma, 50

francs and 12 Deutsche marks.

According to this morning's financial papers,

that should give us a profit of 1 pound 42 and 1/2 p.

Then I suggest you take it to the bank in the morning

and convert it to English currency.

Right, I'll do that.

By the way, how is the femme fatale?

Ah yes, Danielle.

Well at the moment she's in the tea room

with Italy, Spain, and Greece, trying to establish

diplomatic relations.

I hope she's not going to cause any bother.

Oh no, I'm sure she won't.

Look, I'm going to sit here.

No, it's me who is going to be sitting here.

Before you were sit over there.

And before you were sit over there.

You take.

Who me?

You go back, sit where you were before.

- No, I sit here. - You not sit here!

Who is going to be stopping me?

Me.

Ha!

Ha, yourself.

You think you're tough?

Come outside.

OK.

Where are you going?

We go outside to have the punch down.

You mean the punch up.

I'm going to, how you say, knock his bloody block off.

We see whose bloody blocker is knockered off!

Just a minute, what is all this about?

I tell you Mr. White.

Brown.

Excuse me.

It's about where we sit.

And what's wrong with where you were sitting before?

It's my eyes, professore.

I've got to sit nearer the front.

Here.

I see.

And I suppose it's got nothing to do with the fact

that Danielle is sitting here too?

She is?

I never noticed!

You see, it's my eyes.

I'm a little short sighted.

And also a much bigger liar.

It's not true, Mr. Green.

The name is Brown.

You see, I'm color blind as well!

And Max, I suppose you've got trouble with your eyes as well,

have you? - Oh, no, no, no.

My eyes are OK.

It's my hears.

I'm not hearing very well.

That's a likely story.

What you say?

I say you both go back and sit where you were sitting before.

Now! - Santa Maria.

I hope you don't think I was, how you say, too forward.

No, no, I'm sure you weren't in any way to blame at all.

Teacher, please.

Mr. Brown?

Yes.

Please forgive my lateness.

I apologize, but I lost my way.

Not to worry.

What is your name?

Chung Su-Lee.

And where are you from?

Democratic Republic of China.

And what is your job?

Secretary.

Chinese diplomat.

Very nice.

Right, where shall we put you?

Taro, how are relations between Japan and China?

Depends on the political viewpoint.

Japan, light wing.

China, reft wing.

I see.

Are you light wing or reft wing-- right or left!

I follow teaching of Chairman Mao.

Well, in that case, you better sit next

to Jamila, the Indian lady.

All right?

Thank you.

Right.

Now we will start by learning a few basic English verbs.

And firstly, we will take the verb to be.

To be, to be.

To be.

I am English.

You are Chinese.

He is Italian.

She is French.

He is barbarian.

You are asking for a kick up your big brown backside!

Pay attention, please!

I am.

I am.

You are.

You are.

He, she, or it is.

He, she or it or he--

We are.

We are.

You are. They are.

They are.

I shall now go around the class

and ask you each to give me a sentence using the verb to be.

To Taro, I am.

Ah, so.

I am very happy to be learning English.

Very good, good.

Giovanni.

He is.

He isida fool.

Good, but not isida.

He is a fool.

Yes, he is a fool.

Max, she is.

She is beautiful.

She is wonderful.

She is--

Yes, yes, thank you Max.

Juan?

It is.

It is.

It is raining.

There you have it.

No, no, it is raining.

We'll skip you for the moment.

Doesn't matter, sit down.

Su-Lee, it is.

It is duty of every citizen to overthrow imperial woman.

So say Chairman Mao.

Yes, well that's his opinion.

Good.

Danielle, we are.

We are lucky to have such good, handsome teacher.

Quiet, please.

Very true.

I mean, uh, thank you.

Ali, you are.

You are.

You are waiting for me to speak an answer.

Well done.

Unfortunately, I'm not understanding the question.

I want you to give me a sentence using you are.

I am.

No, not I am, you are.

For example, you are from Pakistan.

I am from Pakistan.

Good, yes, But now use you are.

But I cannot say you are from Pakistan because you are not.

Repeat after me.

You are English.

No, no, I am from Pakistan.

What am I?

You are confusing me.

You are stupid poof!

Don't you call me a poof!

Poof.

I will kill you!

Sit down, sit down, please, quiet.

And there's really not much more we

can do until you all get the textbooks

I was telling you about.

But what I would like you to do is some homework, all right?

I want you to write me an essay.

A short story about your life here in England.

Things you do, the things you like--

I'll see all on Wednesday.

Ah, Mrs. Courtney.

Miss.

Miss.

Well, I've just dismissed the class for the night.

I think we've just about covered all there

is to for the first session.

You look a trifle under the weather.

The job getting you down already?

No, no, I'm fine, never felt better.

There is just one thing, though.

Yes?

That window you nailed down, the one Mr. Warburton

climbed out of? - What about it?

I think we ought to put a few more nails in,

just to be on the safe side.