All language subtitles for Hacks.S05E02.1080p.WEB.h264-ETHEL_Subtitles01.ENG

Hey!

Learn how to drive,
you jabroni!

I'll sue you to the bottom
of the fucking Hudson!

It's so great to be
back in New York.

- Yeah.
- Rats!

- Rat!
- Oh, where?

Ooh! Ooh!

We come bearing gifts.

- Oh. Wow.
- Hi.

- I see that.
- Hi, pretty.

Oh, look at that--
look at that view.

That's gorgeous.

You know
I can't accept bribes.

- Bribes? I don't see bribes.
- Bribes?

Oh, no, this--

- I just have low blood sugar.
- It's like a hostess-

I wanted to grab some fruit.
No, I went to a bodega.

Uh...

Well, I--I heard that
you were understandably

less than pleased
that I announced

I was doing a show
at your esteemed venue

before I had
actually booked it.

And I just wanted to come in
person and apologize

and say I cannot wait
to work together.

You're right.
I was very pissed off.

Because that is not
how things work around here.

No. I--I'm sorry.

And if you had come to me,

I would have told you that

I don't think you're
right for MSG.

I think you're right
for Radio City.

I think you're right
for Webster Hall.

Ha! I know this bitch
didn't just say Webster Hall.

Oh, OK.

I can tell you're a whole deal.

She is, but we do feel
very strongly that the Garden

is the best venue for someone
of Deborah's stature.

Mm-kay.

The talk show was great,

but you don't have the comps.

You haven't toured in years.

You barely have any
social media presence.

It's just--
it's too much of a gamble.

I will sell out.

And even if I don't,
what does it matter to you?

I mean, we will front
the rental costs.

You'll be off the hook.

It's not just
about the money.

If you are playing MSG,

you are the center
of cultural conversation.

I mean, our venue
is a major part

of New York City's history.

We can't just let anyone
perform here.

I'm sorry--
isn't there a live

true crime podcast
playing tonight?

"Murder My Stupid Ass Please"

has over 90 million
monthly listeners.

It is hosted by two of the most
popular people in America.

They swayed
the presidential election.

You know, I think
you might be underestimating

Deborah's fans,
because they are rabid.

They abducted me once.

I got free,
but I didn't call the cops,

because they are so sweet.

My point is,
they're enthusiastic,

and these tickets
are gonna sell.

I just don't see it.

This won't be just
a stand-up show.

This will be historic.

I'm taking down Bob Lipka
and his censorship of me

and speaking truth to power.

This is bigger than just me.

I'm sorry, Deborah.

I am so sorry.

I--I should not have
wasted your time

with this petty
gifting business.

How do two shares of Berkshire
Hathaway class A stock sound?

Thank you so much
for coming by.

Absolutely.
Thanks. Thank you.

We'll leave these
with your assistant.

Thanks for your time.

Have a nice day, I guess.

That MSG booker is dumb.

And her leather jacket
was stupid.

No, it was full-grain leather

in a sophisticated cut.

Fine, she's rich, cool,

and ruining our lives.

Look, we just need
to reignite the base.

The Little Debbies would
help me with anything.

Do you remember '93?

They started that hunger strike
so I could get reinstated

as the spokesperson
for SnackWell's?

Or when they crashed
the Eileen Fisher website

the day your cashmere
dusters dropped?

Yeah, exactly.

What about that
autograph convention

in Vegas you passed on?

The Little Debbies
will love that.

You are a genius! All right.

We get my biggest fans
together in one place,

I shower them
with love and affection,

and then we ask them
to organize

a grassroots movement to get me
Madison Square Garden.

- When is it?
- Three weeks, the 21st.

That--that's Ava's birthday.

- It's fine.
- Are there any other options?

- No.
- No, no, no, I--

honestly, I don't care
about my birthday.

I really don't.

You have to at least
take the day off.

And hang out with who?

I only have one friend,
remember?

What are you talking about?

You remember the last night
in Singapore?

You said it was weird
you were my only friend?

You probably don't remember.
You were pretty drunk, girl.

It's fine. Don't worry.

I didn't survive growing up
in Massachusetts

by letting a drunk person's
insults affect me.

Seriously, you should do it.

So should I book it, or...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Here, Jimmy, get the shot.

- Perfect.
- Wha--

That's what
we've been waiting for?

Yeah, for content.

- God!
- You need to chill.

Uh, she wanted content.

Good morning,
my favorite ladies and Damien.

So we've talked
to the organizers,

slipped them a hundo,
and guess what.

They moved Heather Locklear

to the other side
of the building.

Good.

She stole my exact
shade of blonde in '98.

And look, I know
you want to be out by 3:00,

so I'm gonna talk
to Billy Baldwin and see

if he'll give you his time slot
in the photo studio.

Perfect, yeah, I don't want
to be here too late.

OK.
I'm gonna head to the table.

All right.
See you over there.

And you.

Happy birthday,
birthday girl.

Thank you. Oh!

- Tickling you.
- Oh, thanks.

I know we normally
get you a gift,

but we are a little
low on funds this year.

- I'm sorry about that.
- Don't even worry about it.

Oh, my God, I finished

your "Mall Girl" script
last night.

- Ava, it is so good.
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh!
- Yeah, I laughed, I cried.

It's like,
it's emotional and cinematic.

It's really special, and I
can't wait to send it around.

Oh, my God. Amazing.
Thank you.

I'm proud of you.

- Oh.
- Coffee, birthday girl?

Wow.
This is a really fancy tray.

Had it custom-made--
heaters built in,

USB charging, patent pending.

You're a really good
assistant.

You know, in Hollywood,
it's not about good or bad.

It's about power.

Nice watch.

Oh, honey, I would love
to sign this,

but I can't legally.

I love you guys.

Mwah!

There they are.

They're probably
foaming at the mouth.

Hey, my Little Debbies!

Hi.

Hello.

Oh, wow!

The DV Industries
Swiss Army knife.

It's got it all.
It's got the tweezers.

It's got the brow spoolie.

I mean, come on, who could ask
for more than that?

Very rare item.

Actually, it's widely
available on the internet--

which you'd know
if you were still active

on the DV message boards.

Um, how would you--
how would you like me to--

Just your name, please.

OK.

It's great to see you.

Hey. How's it going?

Oddly icy.

Well, I just met the actor
who gave Dawson a blowjob

on the boat in season three,

so I'm feeling starstruck
and amazing.

One autograph.

Hi, there. Hi.

- Hi.
- Oh, hey.

Sorry, I think the line
starts back there.

Oh, no.
I'm actually here for you.

I am a huge fan.

Of--of me?

Yeah.

I was obsessed
with "Girl Town,"

and you always wrote
the best episodes.

Oh, my God.
I left college for that job.

I know.

And then I followed you
on Twitter.

Even now,
I'll just randomly look up

your old tweets sometimes.

Oh, no, don't do that.

Anyway, then I saw "My Bad"

because I heard that
you'd worked on it.

Yeah.

I'd never even seen
Deborah before.

I mean--
It's kind of crazy how

you've changed the whole
trajectory of her career.

She's mad lucky to have you.

I wish you said that
a little louder, but thank you.

Will you sign your
"Times" magazine cover?

Yes, I--I've never--

never signed anything
for anyone before.

Wow. This is amazing.

I really now understand why
parasocial relationships

are replacing real ones.

But seriously, thank you

for all that you contribute
to society.

Anytime.

I'll catch you around.

Yeah, I'll be around all day.

Coolie.

Coolie. Coolie.

I can't tell you
how sorry I am.

Please. It's on me.

Thank you. Thanks.

Thanks for coming.

- Ticket.
- Oh, Ezekiel.

How nice to see
a familiar face.

What can I sign for you?

I've actually signed
something for you.

It's my resignation letter
as president

of the Deborah Vance Fan Club,
Southwest Branch.

But Ezekiel, you--
you've been a pillar

of the Little Debbie community
for years!

I heard that Kathy Griffin
is looking for an infusion

into her base, so I am taking
my talents elsewhere.

OK.
OK, what--what is going on?

What is the problem?

The problem is
that you went Hollywood.

I did not go Hollywood!

Yes, you did.

You haven't sent out
Deborah's Dos and Don'ts

in almost two years.

I don't know what to do
and what not to do.

Sometimes I just
sit in the dark.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

You discontinued
your car insurance plan!

- And now I'm uninsured.
- Yeah!

Oh, honey,
you gotta have insurance.

And you discontinued the
Deborah Vance red light mask.

I liked the burns!
It eventually turned to tan.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

You won't admit
you're a lizard!

Hey, get into
a single-file line,

or you will be tased!

Do not fuck with me!

You should address
the lizard thing.

It's gaining traction.

Who's next?

And you really don't mind
switching with Deborah?

Oh, no, no, no. Not at all.

That rant she did
against Lipka?

Gold, legend.

- Guy's a freaking animal.
- Tell me about it.

Well, she always invites me
to her Fourth of July party.

I never go,
but the invite's always nice.

Well, you're gonna be
on the list forever, man.

We appreciate you.

Never too big, Jimmy.

- Never too big.
- My man. All right.

OK, now that's a guy I could be
friends with--I love him.

Exactly what I like
to hear from you, boss,

because I do not want
to see you fall prey

to the male loneliness
epidemic.

- No.
- I know. It's terrible.

My Uncle Maury shot himself
in the head.

It's Renee O'Connor.

Who's that?

From "Xena:
Warrior Princess,"

the show--the show on The WB.

- Oh, TV show.
- Yeah.

I haven't made it to TV yet.

I'm still making it
through all the movies.

- She's Xena?
- No, that's Gabrielle.

That's Xena's battle partner,
her confidant.

- She's a traveling bard.
- Well, you gotta go say hi.

Hell, no.
I would be so nervous.

I--I would faint.
No, I couldn't.

I mean, I've seen every episode
multiple times.

I even still have
a recurring dream

that I'm helping Xena
save Prometheus

so that humans don't lose their
capacity for healing and fire.

Jimmy, you're meeting her.

You'll regret it if you don't.
Come on.

- You think?
- I know so.

OK. OK.

God, I wish I had
a beta blocker.

- Ah.
- All right, let's go.

Whoo!

So are you working
on anything else,

other than writing for Deborah?

Yeah, yeah, I actually
just wrote a movie

about a girl who lives
at the mall, so--

Oh! Such a good idea.

Got my tickets.
I am "saur" sat.

You are so sweet.

Shit, wait,
this is just occurring to me.

Are you gonna have
to leave Deborah?

No, no. I mean,

especially not after
what she did for me

- at "Late Night."
- Mm.

So what's your, like, dream?

You know, I've always wanted
to create my own show.

Oh.

I was voted
Most Likely to Showrun

in my high school yearbook.

I mean, I did create
the superlative, but still.

I really hope this isn't
weird that I know this,

but, um, it's your
birthday today, right?

Yeah. Yes, it is.

And you're turning 30, right?

- Yeah.
- Poof!

Pretty big milestone.

Are you, like,
freaking out about

where you're at in your life?

No, not--I mean, no,

not really, I don't think.

Should I? No. No! I'm not.

Well, I'd love to get you
something for your birthday,

like a cupcake or--

You don't have to.

But if they have chocolate
cake, I'd take chocolate icing.

Or if they have vanilla cake,

I still would want
chocolate icing.

But if Funfetti is in the mix,
of course--

They just have corn muffins.

Perfect.

- It's your day.
- Whoo!

Why are you performing
only at Madison Square Garden

and not Portsmouth,
New Hampshire?

I mean, we are important too.

We built
the Revolutionary War fleet.

And we so appreciate that.

You stopped doing your annual
Christmas conference call.

Now, how we supposed
to sync up on micro-theme?

You never published
another book of Debokus,

and the regular sudokus
are just too hard.

I'm mad you left QVC.

And I'm mad you didn't
leave QVC earlier.

Work it out.

I miss Marcus.

Damien never sends us
locks of your hair.

You didn't endorse
a candidate

in the presidential election,
so I didn't vote.

And now my kids
won't talk to me.

I sent you two
suspicious packages

and didn't even receive
a cease-and-desist letter.

You used to care.

OK, that's it!

I need a break.

10-minute break.

These people are
impossible to please.

I mean, my fans seem
to think I owe them

every single moment of my life.

Think of it this way.

Today, you are being paid
to be yelled at.

For some people, that's a kink.

Oh, yeah.
This is classic Gabby, yeah.

Oh, she looks the exact same.

Did you know it was
actually the fans

that saw Xena as a guest
character on "Hercules,"

and they were so enthusiastic

that they actually helped get
the spin-off series made?

Grassroots movements are
always so inspiring.

That is,
until they turn bloodthirsty.

- Next!
- It's us.

- Here we go. Here we go.
- We paid.

- Hi. I'm Renee.
- Oh, I'm Renee--

- um, you're Renee.
- Yeah, I'm Renee.

- You're Renee.
- I am Renee.

- I'm Jimmy.
- You're Jimmy.

- I am so starstruck.
- It's OK.

I'm so sorry.
This is weird because--

so, OK, I'm a manager in LA,
so I never get starstruck.

But I--I think that
you are such a talent, and...

Oh.

The series meant
so much to me.

I was so lucky to be
a part of that world.

Have you ever thought about
doing a rewatch podcast?

You know,
they're really big right now,

where you go through
old episodes and discuss them?

I don't think enough people

want to hear me talk
about that.

- Girl, shut up!
- Are you kidding?

- We love the show!
- No.

We've watched it all.

People would love
that content.

Like, the Hope storyline,
you know?

When did you realize your
daughter was gonna be evil?

Was it from the beginning,
or did it slowly dawn on you?

Well, her father was
a wicked demigod,

so it kind of
tipped it off for me.

Right.

Mysteriously impregnated
at a demon ritual?

I was like,
that's gonna come back.

- It did.
- Yeah.

Do you mind if we get a photo?

Of course.

I'm sorry. I'm sweating.
I'm--

It's OK.

- Yay.
- Ah!

- Smile big!
- Yay. Yay.

Bigger! Ah, cuties!

Not that big.
Not that big.

Split the difference.
Split the difference.

Maybe I should just start
over and get all new fans.

I mean, there are people
born every day, right?

I gotta tell you, I mean,

as someone who just got
their first fan,

you really need to cherish
these moments.

It's been 12 minutes,
and I said 10.

Oh!

OK, hey, just try
to keep it together.

All right?

No promises.

OK.

Hello.
How can I do better for you?

Oh, no.
I just wanted to say thank you.

Oh.

You're--you're welcome.
For what?

Well, my mom and I
have been, like,

huge fans of yours ever since
"Live Free or Diet,"

and we came to Vegas,
and we saw you at the Palmetto.

And then we were, like...

Literally quoting your jokes
for 10 hours

the entire car ride home.

It was, like, the best weekend.

Oh, I'm so glad.
Thank you.

Anyway, we made you something
to say thank you.

It's you, Barry, and Cara.

Wow.

And we made this
completely out of

natural seeds and grains.

29 types.

- Whew!
- We were sorting yellow peas

for an entire winter
just to nail

your light honey blonde.

It's gotten a little warped

because we made it
three years ago,

but you haven't been
to any of these, so we--

we couldn't get it to you,
but here you go.

It's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

Is your mom here
so I can thank her?

Oh, no.

She passed in May.

I'm--I'm so sorry, honey.

Thank you.

She would be so happy

that I was finally able
to get this to you.

She really loved you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I--I need a minute.

It--it's OK.

Damien, it's OK.

- Ugh.
- Oh, man.

Oh, yeah. Been there.

It's carpal tunnel.
You need one of these.

No. It's not that.

It's...this.

Ah.

Fan art so ugly,
it moves you to tears?

Something like that.

I once had a guy paint
a portrait of me

using a stamp pad and his anus.

It's framed in my bathroom.

No, it's not that it's ugly.

I mean, it is.

But it's just that this--

this woman and her mother

spent months of their lives
making this.

Oh, yeah, but so what?

They love doing it.

They support us,
we show up for them.

That's the frickin' deal, mama.

Well, that's the thing.

I haven't been
showing up for them.

And they're very
mad at me for it.

They'll forgive you.

I don't deserve it.

I just came here
to exploit them

because I need their help.

Ah.

Well, just tell them
what you need.

They want to feel like they're
in a relationship with you

and that you need them
more than anyone else,

and it sounds like you might.

The truth will set you free,
baby doll.

That's all they want.

That, and a T-shirt

that only some people
are allowed to get.

Um, Little--Little Debbies.

Uh--uh, I have news.

Madison Square Garden
won't give me a date

because they say
I'm not big enough to play it.

What?

So I came here to get you

to rally for me,

which is unfair,

because you're right.

I have neglected you.

And I am so sorry.

Hold on, they're saying

you're not big enough
to play MSG?

Fuck that!

The Garden would be lucky
to have you.

- Yeah!
- Thank you.

Well, in time, I hope that
I can regain your trust.

They don't get to tell you
what you can and can't do!

- That's our job!
- Yeah

You're the greatest
comedian of all time.

- Yes!
- Yeah!

So the Knicks can play MSG,

but not Deborah Vance?

- Misogynistic bullshit!
- Yes!

I don't care
if you are a lizard.

You deserve to play MSG!

As president
of the Little Debbies

Tucson chapter,
this will not stand.

Wait, sorry, sorry.

I thought you were my fan.

What are you talking about?
That's Cindy.

She's a third-generation
Little Debbie.

That's right.

I'm here for Deborah.

I just wanted to replace you
and write for her,

you stupid bitch!

Oh, my God.

Well--

So you didn't like
any of my tweets?

They're not jokes.
They're thought poems!

OK.

Deborah, who do we
talk to about this?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

AmandaWeinberg@
msg-entertainment.com,

1 Madison Square Garden Plaza,
Suite 3H.

Deborah, we will get you
that motherfucking venue.

That's a promise.

Yeah, well,
if you can do that,

I'm making the tickets $20,
so you all can come!

And you know what?

I'm bringing back Deborah Plus.

And you know what else?

This year's Christmas theme

is fuchsia and cherry--

the 1997 redux!

Deborah, Deborah, Deborah!

Good, actually--
I didn't think it would be,

- but the macchiato--why?
- Made me sick.

- Jimmy.
- The macchiato is really good.

- Jimmy! Jimmy!
- Oh, Renee.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

You know, I want to thank you
for your advice.

I reached out to Lucy,

and she loves the "Xena"
rewatch podcast idea.

- Lucy Lawless knows my idea?
- Yeah.

Well, you know,
it's really nice

to talk about business
with someone

who is familiar with my work.

I never had a rep
pitch me any ideas,

much less actually watch
the whole show.

- What? People--
- Pathetic.

People are insane.
People are sick.

People are sick.
I don't get it.

- Sick people.
- Pieces of shit.

I'm sure your roster
is crowded, but, um,

would you ever consider
representing me?

- Us?
- Yes!

- Absolutely.
- All right.

Well, then, I mean,

I probably should give you,
you know,

10% of what I made today.

No, no, no, that's not
necessary, but thank you.

Are you OK with hundreds?

- Uh--
- Yes!

- Love them. I will take those.
- We are. We are.

- Thank you.
- Wow.

- No, this is--this is--
- Could use the money.

OK, well, this was amazing.

Consider yourself a client
of Schaefer & LuSaque.

Yeah, let me put you
on an email

with Lucy and I next week?

When you're back in LA,
we'll take you to dinner.

- You like Greek?
- I love Greek.

I don't eat octopus,
though, anymore.

- They're too intelligent.
- That's right.

Erik Estrada looked amazing.

Surprise!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What a surprise.

This is crazy!

We love you, girl.

- Thank you.
- Ah.

Happy birthday, love.

- Hi, Mom.
- Happy birthday, honey.

Look who's here.

Oh, wow. Hi!

- Hi!
- Jenny Reagan.

It's me. Yup, hey.

How are you? Nice to see you.

Hi. It's so nice to see you.

- Uh-huh.
- It's been forever.

- Eighth grade graduation.
- How could I forget?

Yeah, when Deborah called,
I told her how inseparable

you two were and how
it would mean the world to you

to be together on your 30th.

- So here we all are.
- Absolutely.

- Yup, yup, yup.
- How are you?

- Look at you two.
- Amazing.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I married Greg Holland.

Remember him?

Um--

He ran through a glass door.

His cousin drowned
in the quarry.

Oh, yes, Greg!

He used to put girls
in his hockey bag.

Him. Anyway,

we have four kids under six.

- Whoa!
- Yep.

- Whoa!
- Yep, all natural.

Oh, my--good for you.

Anyway, needless to say,
I am thrilled to be here.

- Yeah, I bet.
- Oh, I should tell you,

Mr. Murch just died.

Oh, that's so sad.

No, it's not.

He was a pedophile,

convicted multiple times over.

- Let's party!
- OK!

Come on!

Oh...

Oh, my God!

And we got just a few
of your favorite things.

The entire
Jack in the Box menu.

Cranberry kombucha.

Oh, yes, cupcakes
from a queer bakery.

Oh.

- And of course--
- Oh, my God.

Bertucci's rolls

and Papa Gino Papa Melts?

I had them flown in
this morning.

I missed these rolls.

The spray cleans the screen

while the brush wipes
the crumbs from the keyboard.

Thank you so much.

- Please use it.
- I will. Sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have one last surprise.

Please give a warm welcome
to Jesse McCartney.

Yes, bitch!

This one goes out
to the most special girl

in the world--
you know who you are.

- It--it's me.
- Happy birthday.

I wrote about this
in my middle school journal,

and it's--it's coming true.

I know!
I--I read your journals.

That's why--
that's why he's here.

I don't want
another pretty face

I don't want
just anyone to hold

I don't want my love
to go to waste

I want you
and your beautiful soul

Yeah

I know that you

Are something special

And to you,
I'd be always faithful

And I want to be

What you always needed

Then I hope you see
the heart in me

I don't want
another pretty face

I don't want just
anyone to hold

I don't want my love
to go to waste

I want you
and your beautiful soul

OK, I'm sleeping in late
tomorrow.

You can ball
your own cantaloupe.

- Good night.
- Good night!

Well, you know what?

I--I'm gonna say
good night now too.

I have a 4:15 a.m. flight

to Papeete to see my boyfriend

in the Senior World
Windsurfing Competition.

I'm sorry,
you have a boyfriend?

Well, I emailed you
about him.

I emailed her.

Uh, no,
I don't think you did.

Well, I'm seeing someone,
Ava.

And it's become physical,
the first since your father.

Well, depends what you count.

Oh, God.

- Uh, well, I love you.
- OK.

- Bye.
- Mwah.

- Mwah. Good night.
- Love you.

Good night. Bye.

Awesome.

Well--

Oh, my God.

That was a successful party.

Yeah.

You had so many friends
who showed up for you.

And that Jenny, you know,

the one who drank vodka

out of one of my
really nice wine glasses?

Yes, Jenny Reagan,
the girl I only befriended

so that I could play
with her hermit crabs.

And then she stopped
being my friend

when she got her period
before me.

Oh, well...

- friend's a friend.
- Yeah.

And you had
a lot of them here.

Deborah,

did you only throw me this
party 'cause you feel bad

about what you said
on the boat in Singapore?

No.

I mean, it's your birthday!

You deserve a party,
a birthday party.

Wow.

Did you ever hear
of one of those?

Guilt looks good on you.

Deborah, you don't have
to feel guilty about that.

You're not wrong.

You are my only friend.

What hurt me was
that you said it was weird,

'cause I don't think it is.

You know, I think you're--
you're the reason that I...

haven't been there
for the Little Debbies.

You know, I--I used to spend
so much time with my fans,

but it wasn't for them.

It was for me.

I--I mean,
they were my friends.

Because I never really had any.

Yes, you did.
You had friends.

You've always had friends.
You have tons of friends.

No.

I was popular...

but I never had
a--a best friend.

Well, I mean, you know, my--

my sister, you know,
we know how that went.

So I just relied more and more
on the Little Debbies,

and it was as much for me

as it was for them.

But then I met you.

And I didn't need them
so much anymore.

Well, makes sense.

I'm your number one fan.

Hey. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, you've got 50 minutes left
on your birthday.

What do you want to do?

Hmm.

Oh.

And that's my new
phone background.

Ooh!
Someone's smoking the cheech.

P-U!

You're still here.

Oh, yeah.

I just fucked Jesse McCartney.

- What?
- Yeah!

You cheated on Greg?

OK, you don't know
our arrangement.

Wow, OK. Are you open?

No.

Hey, you mind if I rinse off
in your swimming pool?

I don't want to get a UTI.

- Sure.
- Wonderful.

Thank you.

Wow, lot of salt
and pepper shakers.

Think you got enough?

- Sorry about that.
- Oh, here.

- Try this.
- Mm.

What is it?

It's my pumpkin yogurt
bread batter.

I want to include
a fat-free recipe

- in my newsletter tomorrow.
- Mmm.

'Cause my Little Debbies
are gonna need

all the energy they can get.

Absolutely.

I was gonna say
get out of my head

because when he--
when he took the OLSAT--

Katie's remains were never
recovered from that creek.

Atticus!

Put your shoes on, honey!
We're late!

This episode of
"Murder My Stupid Ass Please"

is sponsored by Deb for MSG.

Go to change.org today and add
your name to the petition.

Amanda?

Oh, good.
This is all for you.

What?

Oh, my God,
they found my home address.

Oh, my God.

No, I--I don't want anything
to do with this.

Return to sender!

Except for the Old Navy.

I got three other bags.

I am being stalked
and harassed!

Return to sender, gracias!

Hello?

Who's there?

Deb for MSG!

- There she is!
- Get her!

Deb for MSG!

Out of my way!

Out of my way!

Bitch!

Deb for MSG!

I understand many of you

have been waiting for me
to speak on this.

So hear me now.

I am not a lizard.

And I know that is something
a lizard would say.

However--

That was really,
really believable, though.

- Yeah? Thanks.
- Yeah.

- Loved it.
- Hello?

The harassment
has got to stop.

Still don't think
it's a good idea,

but I'm giving you a date
at the Garden.

Oh--oh, OK.

Wow. That--that's fantastic.

Yeah, great.

Thanks, Amanda.

We'll talk real soon.

We're going to MSG.

Yes!

When?

September 11.

9/11?

It was the only date
available.

Great!

Here we go!
Ow, that hurt!

God, it's like
high-fiving the Hulk!

You're--