Original subtitles

I hope the supermarket isn't closed.

I sent your father for two more ingredients...

so I could finish this before dinner.

Boy, Mom, you sure have a lot of recipes here.

Caesar salad...

beef stroganoff, Napoleon brandy, bloody mary.

Yes, Eddie.

And at one time or another, they were all friends of the family.

Now this recipe was invented by one of Grandpa's favorite people.

No foolin'?

What's Mom making, Grandpa?

Devil's food cake.

I wish Herman would get back.

But it's such a lovely day and he insisted on walking.

Come on, let's have a little action here.

Now look what I've done.

Dear! I've disfigured him for life.

You poor man. I'll go get an ambulance.

Madam?

Madam.

I am terribly sorry about...

Madam?

Madam?

I'll bet she went for the police.

Before I get in any more trouble...

I better go right home and phone my insurance company...

like a good citizen.

Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk.

You're the cause of all this, you dumb old signpost.

Herman, you've hardly eaten a thing.

I'm still worried about that accident.

I think you should have let me report it to our insurance company.

Do you really think it was your fault, Uncle Herman?

Sure it was my fault.

Technically, I was walking across the street against the light...

I should have looked both ways before stepping off the curb...

I shouldn't have stopped in the middle of the street, and I ruined the lady's car.

Technically, I'm guilty on four different counts.

Cheer up, Pop. Mom made some neat devil's food cake.

Yes. And, Grandpa, you cut it first so we can see how it turned out.

Herman Munster, 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

You say you found this at the scene of the accident?

That's right, Wilbur. It was lying in the street.

But the man I hit had disappeared.

He must have gone berserk or something...

because the traffic lights had been ripped right out of the ground.

Marge, we don't know what kind of a screwball we're dealing with.

A hothead like this could turn around and sue us for everything we've got.

Claim mental damage on top of everything else.

I'm afraid you're right, Wilbur. A court would probably award him...

$20,000 on just what I did to his face alone.

Calm down, dear.

I'll have our lawyer, Ted Thatcher, head this Munster off. Offer him...

$10,000 to keep him from going to court.

I just hope he goes for it.

Listen, Marge, he can't be any more of a stubborn weirdo than your mother.

We got her to move to Alaska for $8,000.

11:00 a.m. Mail's here.

Just don't announce the mail, stupid. What did you do with it?

Silly bird. When is he going to stop picking that mailman's bag?

Nevermore.

"Mr. Herman Munster.

"Dear sir, as attorney for Mrs. Wilbur Kingsley...

"I am writing on her behalf regarding the recent traffic accident...

"in which you and she were involved.

"To prevent serious court action and damages...

"I strongly urge immediate cash settlement in the amount of...

"In the amount of $10,000."

How much? Wow! $10,000.

Oh, no, Lily. That woman must have traced the accident to me...

and now her lawyer wants me to pay her $10,000. What will I do?

Herman, stop that.

How do expect me to think when you're making all that noise?

Where will I get $10,000? This is terrible!

If I had a gun, I'd shoot myself.

Wilbur, I'm really getting worried.

Our lawyer offered those Munsters...

a $10,000 settlement three days ago.

They haven't even answered his letter.

I know, dear. I talked to Thatcher this morning.

He's going to make a personal visit to these people...

and try and size up the situation.

Do you think he'll get anywhere?

Listen, Thatcher settled longshoremen's strikes, dispossessed...

widows and orphans, and appeared before Senate investigating committees.

After frightening experiences like that...

he's not going to be bothered by a plain, average family like the Munsters.

That's a good boy, Eddie.

You polish Spotty's scales so you can see your face in them.

Okay, Mom.

Spot likes that. Don't you, Spot?

Mom, today is Saturday.

How come Pop had to go to work today?

Mr. Gateman is thinking of adding a new wing on to the parlor...

to take care of the overflow.

And your father went over to talk to the builder to get an estimate.

That is one business where you cannot keep your customers waiting.

I think there's someone at the door. Eddie, would you answer it, please?

Okay, Mom.

Yes? Hello, little boy. I think.

I am Theodore Thatcher, an attorney.

I am investigating an accident case...

involving a Mr. Herman Munster.

Yes. He's my pop. Won't you come in? Thank you.

You dressed up for a school play or something?

Heck, no. This is my regular suit.

It's the only one I've got.

Come right this way. Thank you.

Sit right here. Thank you.

Sorry, that happens all the time.

Mom.

Mr. Thatcher? I'm Lily Munster.

Pardon my appearance, but I've been fixing supper.

That's quite all right.

We're having a curried lizard casserole, and you know what a mess that can be.

You are forced to eat lizard?

It was either that or pickled frogs' ears...

and my husband insisted on lizard.

Sit down, won't you? Thank you.

My son said that you're investigating Mr. Munster's accident.

This is just an informal visit.

Is your husband at home? I've been looking forward to meeting him face to face.

I'm terribly sorry, but he is down at the mortuary getting an estimate.

Getting an estimate at the mortuary? Yes.

It's always wise to be prepared for any eventuality.

I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't know you had company.

This gentleman is investigating Herman's accident.

Mr. Thatcher, my father.

How do you do? By the way, sir...

did you and your son-in-law discuss the letter I sent him last week?

We certainly did.

And what was his reaction to our settlement figure of $10,000?

Not a chance, buster.

He's right, sir. An amount like that is absolutely out of the question.

If you'll excuse me now, I'm on my way down to the basement.

Grandpa, what do you have in the bag?

Just some moldy bread I got out of the kitchen.

I'm going down to the lab and whip up a batch of penicillin.

He makes his own penicillin?

Yes. You never know, in a family like this...

when somebody is liable to come down with a sore throat.

Mrs. Munster, I think I've found out all I need to know.

By the way, before I go, could I use your telephone to call my client?

Why, of course. It's right out here in the hall.

Thank you.

There you are.

And would you mind letting yourself out?

I really must get back to my lizard casserole.

Hello, Wilbur? This is Ted.

This house looks like Tobacco Road. You should see this family.

The kid only has one suit to his name.

And all they can afford to eat is lizard.

The grandfather makes his own penicillin.

Look, if this bunch ever shows up in court...

they'll break a jury's heart for at least $100,000.

Now, I think we ought to double our original settlement offer.

This Munster character must be hurt much worse than we thought...

because he's down at the mortuary now, getting an estimate.

He's so sure he's going to die...

he has his coffin set up in the hallway.

What? Sure, I'm sure. Where do you think I'm telephoning from?

Wait a minute. What is this?

There you are, Marilyn. I was catching a little bat nap down in the lab...

and I must have slept for three hours.

Where is everybody?

Grandpa, that telegram came from the lawyer...

and Aunt Lily was so upset...

that she stormed right out.

Telegram? "Please ignore previous letter.

"In behalf of my client, recent accident case...

"now raising settlement figure to $20,000!"

$20,000? Why, 10 was bad enough.

I know. And Aunt Lily said we couldn't possibly raise that much.

She went over to see the lady that hit Uncle Herman...

and throw herself on her mercy.

She's been gone over an hour.

Oh, boy. And where is the poor innocent victim?

Uncle Herman came home a few minutes ago.

He took one look at that telegram...

the green completely drained out of his face...

he ran up to his room and hid in the closet.

Problems, problems, problems.

Sometimes I wish I was back in the old country...

where my biggest worry was who to put the bite on for three square meals a day.

Mrs. Munster, I'm so glad you came to see me.

It's obvious, it's been a terrible misunderstanding.

Misunderstanding? Why, yes.

We were offering to pay you a settlement, not the other way around.

Pay us? Yes, of course.

When I realized I'd injured the poor man...

we were afraid he'd sue us for everything we own.

Mrs. Kingsley, you have no idea what a relief this is.

You pay us? Then you'll accept a settlement?

I certainly will.

Would $1.75 to get my husband's suit cleaned be asking too much?

Not at all.

There you are.

Herman. It's me. I have good news for you.

Grandpa, it's locked. Do you suppose he's in there?

Lily, allow me.

Grandpa, he's gone. What?

Look.

I think he's run away. Run away?

Look, there's a note. A note?

What's it say?

"Goodbye forever, I can never raise $20,000...

"so I am doing the noble thing by running away like a rotten coward.

"P.S. If someday my miserable bones are washed up on a desert island...

"do not bother to claim them as they will not be worth the parcel post charges."

Signed, "Herman Munster, Rat Fink."

Grandpa, he's run away. And it's all a mistake.

Where, oh, where could my poopsie be?

Hi.

New man? Yes, sir.

You look rugged enough.

Can you lift one of those steel ingots there? They weigh 300 pounds.

I can lift them all.

That's amazing. Okay, you can put them down now.

Get out of here. Now, beat it. Go on, get out of here.

But, sir... Get lost.

Go on, get out of here. But...

Everybody plays. It's over here, folks. Try your luck.

Hit the clown. Three balls. 25 cents.

Everybody plays. It's right over here, folks.

Now you can't do anything...

Step up and try your luck.

Hit the clown, you win a prize.

I see you got yourself a new clown?

Yeah. This one's the wildest looking yet.

When he walked in here wearing that crazy makeup I hired him on the spot.

Give it to him good.

Grandpa, we've got to locate Herman.

What's wrong with that crystal ball anyway?

I don't know. All I keep picking up...

are the reruns of Molly Goldberg from Tel Aviv.

Adjust the fine-tuning or something.

Look, it's Herman. Look. There he is.

Look, Grandpa. He's gone and joined the Foreign Legion.

Wait, don't worry. We'll track Herman down...

with my super-heterodyne, transistorized divining rod.

Grandpa, Herman could be anywhere in this world.

Lily, please. Wait till I adjust the direction finder.

There.

Did you set it at Foreign Legion? No, I set it for knothead.

That should lead us to my stupid son-in-law like a guided missile.

Marilyn, Mom and Grandpa have been gone for two days now...

trying to track down Pop.

They haven't brought him home yet.

Now, don't you worry, Eddie. I'm sure that wherever he is...

he's just as safe and sound as if he were in his own home.

Halt!

Left face.

Forward march.

Halt!

About face.

Parade rest.

"As a traitor to the French Foreign Legion for dereliction of duty...

"and cowardice under fire, the prisoner is hereby sentenced to death...

"before a firing squad of his former comrades in arms."

A last cigarette, monsieur?

Yes, actually, I would. Thank you.

If you have one with a charcoal micronite filter.

♪♪

Detail. Attention!

Hup, two. Hup, two.

Hup, two. Hup, two.

Ready.

Aim.

Stop!

Stop, I say.

"'Shoot, if you must, this square, green head

"'but you'll have to kill me first, ' she said."

Landlubbers, down with those pawn shop, second-hand...

Cut! Cut!

Lady, how did you get in here?

And who's the moth-eaten, old corpse in the white tie and tails?

That moth-eaten, old corpse happens to be my father.

And this noble soldier of France is my husband.

This noble soldier of France also happens to be out of the picture.

I haven't had this much trouble since I worked with Liz and Dick.

Okay, Beau Geste, we're going to take you home now.

Yes, Herman. I found out that no one is suing you for $20,000.

Your terrible ordeal is over.

Come on, Herman. What are you standing there for?

Just a minute, dear...

there are a few good drags left in this cigarette.

Come on, Herman.

So, you see, Herman, when that woman hit you with her car...

she thought she disfigured you.

Well, I just don't understand it.

It was the same handsome face I've had all my life.

It's like I always say, you should never leave the house without shaving.

Pop, after you ran away, how many jobs did you have...

before you got that part acting in that desert picture?

Let's see, there was one I had in the steel mill...

and then there was the circus...

and, oh, yeah, then I had one as a night watchman in the county morgue.

Did you run into anyone we know?

No, in fact, the job didn't work out well at all.

Every time I'd take a short nap, someone would put me in the icebox.

Uncle Herman, the main thing is that you're home now...

and we don't want you to ever run away again.

And, poopsie, poopsie...

to remind you of your little adventure...

and to promote family harmony...

look what I got for you.

I'll be darned.

Thank you very much, dear.

But how is this going to promote family harmony?

Well, dear, we're going to put it in the upstairs hallway.

For a house with only one bathroom, it's practically a necessity.