Original subtitles

Hold still, Grandpa.

The folks back in Transylvania are really going to like this portrait.

Lily, couldn't you have thought...

of a more imaginative pose?

My family is accustomed to seeing me in this position.

Don't talk, Grandpa.

When you talk...

the blood flows to your head and spoils the natural greenness of your face.

I want this to look true-to-life.

You know something, Lily?

You're setting a very artistic mood with your painting, dear.

And it's helping me compose.

Hey, Herman, what could you ever compose?

You have a very difficult time making your bed.

Is that so? Yes!

Well, it just so happens that Mr. Gateman down at the parlor...

has asked me to write some poetry for the employee magazine.

Herman, will you quiet down and write your silly poetry?

You're interrupting my creative flow.

If she calls my poetry silly, I'm going to call her painting rotten.

Mumble, mumble. What are you saying, Herman?

All right, I'll tell you just what I said.

I think it's darn mean of you to call my poetry silly...

so I called your painting rotten.

After looking at your painting...

I think I'll throw in "crummy," too.

Crummy, crummy, crummy...

Help!

Get me out of here!

I'm in quicksand.

Hi, Clyde.

Hello, Herman.

Herman, it's beautiful, just beautiful.

Thank you. I told the barber to let the bangs grow out a little.

No.

I mean your poetry they published in The Mortician Monthly.

You weave magic with words.

Well, I try.

I'm no Carl Sandburg.

"Going Out to Pasture by Herman Munster.

"When your grazing days are over and you've gone to your reward

"Let us plant you 'neath the clover at a price you can afford."

That's beautiful.

Herman. Hmm?

I might just as well come out with it. I've got a problem.

By all means.

Lay it on me, Clyde.

Well, I met a girl on a bus.

A very beautiful girl.

I fell head over heels in love with her. You're in love?

Good.

Well, that's no problem.

As the hipsters say, "Man, that's a groove."

No, it isn't, Herman.

I'm so shy around girls.

I tried to talk to her on the bus and I got all tongue-tied.

I couldn't even work up enough courage to ask her for a date.

Gee, I wish I could help you. You can.

How? You can write love letters to this girl.

I can write love letters to the girl...

Clyde.

I'm a married man!

And besides...

how do I know she and I would be compatible?

No, Herman, don't you see?

You're a poet. You're an established writer.

You could compose the love poems for me and I could sign my name.

Well, that's very flattering...

but I've never written mush to girls before.

I usually write my mush to flowers and sunsets and waterfalls...

and junk like that.

But, Herman, I know you can do it.

Just write me a letter that will tell my girl how much I love her.

How much you love her?

Love.

Love, dove, above...

Well, I'll try. I'll go home tonight and I'll write you one.

I'll deliver it to you first thing in the morning.

You got yourself a deal.

Love, dove...

There, that does it.

One romantic love letter, all finished.

Herman, if you're going to write love letters, why do you have to use my dungeon?

Because I'm hiding from Lily.

She thinks my poetry is silly, and that deflates my ego.

And why do you have to use my tub?

Why?

Because I once read that Thoreau did some of his best writing...

while sitting in a tree.

Kipling once wrote a whole poem on horseback.

And I prefer to court the Muse in a hot tub.

Oh, boy!

Here, listen to this:

"I am enchanted beyond belief, Having you to fill my dreams

"My life was nothing

"Until your sweet presence breathed the breath of love

"Into my soul."

How does that grab you?

Well, I'll tell you, right after I get violently ill.

Now, there's no need to be sarcastic.

After Clyde's girl reads these delicate and poetic tender words of love...

they're gonna knock her right in the kisser.

Herman, you better knock off this letter-writing.

If Lily finds one of these mushy missiles...

she's liable to get the wrong idea.

Pish-tosh. Hand me the soap.

Thank you.

Herman, why are you taking a bath with your clothes on?

Because I consider you the kind of rude person who wouldn't turn his back.

There you are, Eddie.

Hi, Mom. I'm practicing for when I grow up.

Good boy.

Have you seen your father?

I'm cleaning all the bedrooms and I want him to help me turn Grandpa's slab.

Pop went out a while ago.

He said he was going downtown to see some guy named Clyde.

Where is Grandpa?

He's out in the yard taking a nap.

Isn't that just like your grandfather?

Whenever there's work to be done, he'll always crawl into his hole.

Can I help you, Mom?

No, thank you, Eddie.

I think I'll go and tidy up the dungeon.

There's no telling what I'll find lying around down there.

"Your sweet presence breathes the breath of love

"Into my soul."

That's beautiful, Herman.

Thank you.

Now, all I have to do is copy this letter in my handwriting...

sign my name and mail it to my girl.

You know, Clyde, it makes me feel very good to have been of some help to you.

I mean, there have been hundreds of ghosts in our family...

but never a ghostwriter.

Yeah.

Well, Herman, I can't thank you enough.

You must have a very understanding wife, who'll let you spend your time...

writing love letters to strange girls.

My wife?

No, she's no problem.

Believe me, Clyde, my wife doesn't know a thing about it.

Listen to this, Marilyn:

"I am enchanted beyond belief

"Having you to fill my dreams

"My life was nothing until your sweet presence breathed the breath of love...

"Into my soul."

Are you sure that that's Uncle Herman's handwriting?

Yes, it is. I found this in the lab.

Well, I think it's sweet.

He's writing a love poem to you after all these years?

How do I know he didn't write this for some other woman?

Uncle Herman?

He's so proper and loyal, and... What's that word?

Square. Exactly... but in a very sweet way.

I guess it would be terrible of me to accuse him, if I was wrong.

But if he did write these beautiful love words for me...

he'll be sure to mention it soon. Of course he will, Aunt Lily.

I think it's so romantic.

And if the sweet dear doesn't mention it to me...

I intend to remain calm and adult about this whole thing.

Now, do you really mean that?

Of course not. I'll kill him! I'll kill him...

"The breath of love into my soul"

Ann, this is the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.

Do you mean that Clyde actually sent you that love letter?

That skinny little shrimp you said you met on the bus?

It's his signature right there.

You know something?

I think I'm in love.

But, Clara, you said this Clyde was kind of creepy.

You said he even reminded you of the man...

the Board of Health sent around when our monkey died.

You know, I wouldn't care if he looked like a monster.

Any man who can write a love letter like that...

that's the man for me.

He must have a truly beautiful soul.

Well, Herman, did you enjoy the fish?

The sole? I certainly did, dear.

There's nothing I like better than a truly beautiful sole.

Well, I've got to hurry. I'm dropping by to see Clyde.

Clyde again?

Why?

We sit around and talk shop.

He's been at the parlor a long time, you know?

He really knows where the body's buried.

He didn't even mention the...

L-E-T-T-E-R.

You're absolutely R-I-G-H-T.

I better not find out he's becoming a...

P-H-I-L-A-N...

A-N...

I don't know what you guys are talking about...

but "philanderer" is spelled P-H-I-L-A-N-D-E-R-E-R.

Yeah, no, Clyde, Herman left some time ago.

But I got a date to take my girl to Lovers' Lane...

and he was coming over here with some more love poems.

I gotta leave now.

Sorry, Clyde. I guess you'll just have to get by...

on your own personality.

Bye.

Now, why did he have to say that?

I'm nervous enough as it is.

I got it. I'll leave a note for Herman.

Aunt Lily, is the garbage disposal working?

Yes, dear. He's out there.

Good boy, Spot.

Marilyn, the more I think of it...

the angrier I get.

Herman not mentioning that letter...

and then going over to Clyde's again tonight.

I'm really beginning to get suspicious now.

But Uncle Herman interested in another girl, at his age?

I mean, he's over 150 years old.

Age has nothing to do with it.

There's an ancient Transylvanian proverb we used to have in the old country:

"Always put the shortest chain on the oldest wolf."

"Have taken my girl to Lovers' Lane.

"Meet me there. I am desperate. Your friend, Clyde.

"P.S. If I lose Clara, I will kill myself."

Well, if he does that...

I'm sure Mr. Gateman will give him the employee discount.

Lovers' Lane.

Hmm.

Good evening.

Come on, Clyde, look at this romantic setting.

This should provide the perfect inspiration...

for you to recite some of that beautiful poetry.

But, Clara, I'm not really in the mood.

Clyde, what on earth is the matter with you?

Well, you see, I...

I'll be right back.

I always get my inspiration when I walk around.

Herman, am I glad you're here.

Quick, shoot me some of that love poetry, while she's still in the mood.

Here you go:

"Your lips are ruby red Your skin is pearly white

"My flames of love you've fed

"I love you day and night."

Lips ruby red, skin pearly white, flames fed, day and night.

I've got it. Don't go away!

"Your lips are ruby red

"Your skin is pearly white

"My flames of love you've fed

"I... I..." Yes?

Yes?

Excuse me.

What's the last line?

"I love you day and night"

"I love you day and night"

Now can we smooch?

Not yet. Recite me another one.

You want another one?

Well, inspiration time again.

Quick, Herman, shoot me another poem. She's really in the mood.

"Our love is as the rose is You are the petal, I'm the thorn

I really poured my heart into this one.

Go, Clyde, go.

Clyde, where do you keep going when you keep...

"Our love is as the rose is

"You're the petal, I'm the thorn

"So let's start rubbing noses

"'Cause I can't tell right from wrong."

Clyde, kiss me, you fool.

I'll be right back.

"The sky is blue above me" No!

"The mountains, too, are blue" No!

"When I'm with you..." I don't need any more, Herman.

That did it. Thanks a lot. You can go now.

You sure? Absolutely.

Well, okay.

You're on your own.

One more poem, Clyde. You broke the spell.

One more?

But I... Come on. Please?

"Roses are red

"Violets are pink

"I'm in love with you

"I think?"

That's nothing like the ones you've been reciting.

Well, that was a different style.

Clyde, have you been hiding a book of poetry out in those bushes?

Oh, no. Then where did you get all those words?

Well... I may as well tell you.

It was a friend of mine out there, Herman Munster.

He's the one who wrote the letter and the poems.

Herman Munster.

What a poetic ring. Get him for me.

I sent him away.

Clyde, I have a terrible headache.

Would you mind taking me home?

You broke up with Clyde, and now you want me to drive you over...

to some man's house you've never even met?

That's right. His name is Herman Munster.

And I looked up his address, and I've fallen in love with him...

through those wonderful letters and poems that he wrote for Clyde.

You've really flipped over this Herman, haven't you?

It's my destiny.

I think I've finally found my Prince Charming and I'm gonna meet him tonight.

Are you really going over to Clyde's?

I certainly am.

I think that Herman is meeting his female pen pal at Clyde's apartment.

What will you do if you find out it's true?

What will I do?

I will take Herman apart...

so that even Dr. Frankenstein couldn't put him back together again.

But, Aunt Lily...

All right, explain it to me, Grandpa.

Lily's not here, but she's circled Clyde's address in the phone book.

Now, why would she do that?

Don't you get it?

Clyde told me he met a girl on a bus.

Right? Right.

But Clyde never told me the name of the girl he met on a bus.

Right? Right.

Every day, Lily takes the bus to go shopping.

Right? Right.

And Lily acts very funny every time I mention the name of Clyde!

Hmm.

So...

viz., to wit, and ergo...

the girl on the bus is Lily.

And I've been helping sly old Clyde romance her with my letters!

Herman, you really think so?

I know so. I know how these things work.

I read Dear Abby every morning.

Now, assuming that any of this is true...

Herman, what do you plan to do about it?

I plan to confront Clyde.

And so, farewell.

I am going to sally forth into the night and punish the guilty.

And restore the treasured sanctity of my marriage.

A man like this deserves to be horsewhipped.

Thoroughly horsewhipped!

What's the matter, Sir Lancelot?

I forgot my crummy horsewhip.

Herman Munster, I know you're in there!

He's not here!

Where is he, Clyde?

Where is my two-timing husband?

But I keep telling you, Mrs. Munster, Herman isn't here.

Don't you cover up for him!

Where's that girl he's been writing love letters to?

Herman wasn't writing letters for himself, he was writing them for me.

I think I'm getting a nosebleed. You'll get something worse...

than a nosebleed if you don't give me the lowdown on playboy Munster.

Tonight my girlfriend claimed she had a headache and she ditched me.

You don't suppose she and Herman...

I don't know, but you'd better come with me.

That big goofball may owe us both an explanation.

Wait a minute, Mrs. Munster! Can't you let go of my ear, now?

Is this Herman Munster's house?

This is it. 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

This is just the kind of place...

I would expect my mysterious romantic writer to live in.

I guess the place looks a lot better in the daytime.

Ann, I'm so excited.

Hey, thanks for driving me. Are you really gonna go through...

with this nutty plan? Just like I saw in a Doris Day movie...

I'm gonna walk up to the door, I'm gonna knock on it...

I'm gonna close my eyes and I'm gonna embrace my dream man.

Good luck. Hey, if he's really good-looking maybe he'll have someone for me, too.

Where's the horsewhip?

No, I couldn't use that.

No, that's not the horsewhip.

No, it would kill him.

One crummy horsewhip.

Well, I'll just have to go over to Clyde's place...

and bust up this eternal triangle with my bare hands.

Don't say a word. Just take me in your arms.

You big gigolo, you!

But... Don't you dare speak to me ever again!

But, what, me? Lily, what are you doing with my best friend?

And what were you doing with your arms around my girl?

This kind of thing could be very disturbing to a man of my sensitive nature.

So, you see, dear, it's just like Clyde said.

I wrote all those love letters for him to give to his girl.

But I never thought she'd find out who it was and come all unglued.

Well, I guess that explains it all.

I suppose it was silly of me, getting so upset in the first place.

I agree, Aunt Lily. So do I.

After all, no girl would ever go for that stale poetry Herman wrote.

It's rancid, absolutely rancid.

I don't know about that.

I thought I had one line there that was pretty good:

"My life was nothing

"Until your sweet presence..."

"My life was nothing until your sweet..."

Maybe Grandpa is right.

My poetry is so rancid, I can't even remember it.

"My life was nothing until your sweet presence..."

"Until your sweet presence breathed the breath of love

"Into my soul."

Lily. You remembered it.

Of course, Herman.

And I don't think your poetry is rancid at all.

Dear, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.

Thank you, sugar fangs.