Original subtitles

Who's there? Mailman.

Special delivery. Sign here, please.

Thank you.

You know, Lily, I think our mailman is overcoming his shyness.

He used to stand across the street and throw the mail over our wall.

What's the special delivery? It's a box from Transylvania.

The last time we got a box from the old country...

there was somebody in it.

I think this is a little too small for that.

Lily, it's ticking.

It's ticking. It's a time bomb.

Your rotten old relatives are trying to blow us all to smithereens.

Quick, get a pail of water, get a fire extinguisher.

Grandpa, Marilyn. Come quickly.

Herman, don't hold it. It's dangerous. You're right. Here.

Herman, come back here.

We've kept it under the water for 20 minutes now.

I guess we can take it out.

It's probably from Uncle Boris.

You know, he and Rasputin always used to exchange bombs at Christmastime.

Stopped ticking. Open it up, Uncle Herman.

I'll just take it over here by the light.

It started ticking.

It's ticking, ticking, ticking, ticking.

Herman, son-in-law, dear.

Would you like to know what's ticking? What?

The clock on the wall.

Dumb old clock.

Hickory dickory dock.

He can't tell a bomb from a cuckoo clock.

Never mind him, Pop. What's in the box?

Just hold on a second and I'll tell you.

I hope it's one of those fruitcakes with the raisins that wiggle.

I'll be darned.

It's a legal document...

from our cousin Wolverine's lawyer in the old country.

Cousin Wolfy?

But he passed away three years ago.

I know, but he's just done it again.

And this time...

he's left us $10,000.

Boy, can we use this money, or can't we?

Herman, we sure can. Look, we'll sink it into one of my inventions.

Now, as soon as we cash the check... Wait a minute.

I'm not going to have you two fritter away this money on some silly invention.

As a matter of fact, I've always wanted to open a little business of my own...

and make a little extra income for the family.

That's a good idea, dear, but I am head of the house.

I have an idea. Now, Uncle Herman, why don't you take half the money...

and, Aunt Lily, you take the other half...

and we'll see who can put it to the best use?

Good idea.

Well, all right.

Oh. Herman...

we'll use your half of the money to perfect my greatest invention.

This invention is a machine...

that will transmit electric power through the air...

without the use of wires.

Oh.

Well, you two can do what you want.

But I'm going to enter a field where I have a natural aptitude.

I am going to open a beauty parlor.

Aunt Lily, I think it's wonderful you have all the beauty preparations...

that have been in the family for years.

This River Nile mud did wonders for Cleopatra's complexion.

It kept her honeymoon fresh through four different marriages.

Aunt Lily, I hope we make a success of the beauty parlor...

and then we can show Uncle Herman and Grandpa...

that we're much better in the business world than they are.

We haven't much to worry about there.

When they put their heads together nothing happens.

Herman, will you watch it?

And just remember, you're only an apprentice mad scientist.

I'll tell you when to do something stupid. Come here.

I'm sorry.

Grandpa, you really think you can invent a machine...

that will send power through the air without wires?

Didn't I already invent a way...

to send messages though the air without wire?

Yeah, sure you did.

But after the pigeons died, you had to go out of business.

Never mind that. Hand me the rotating oscillators.

Rotating oscillators?

They look like two eggbeaters to me.

Who asked for an opinion?

Now, hand me the spherical rectifiers.

These two old crummy bowling balls?

Oh, boy.

Where is your scientific mind?

I mean, if Thomas Edison had had you helping him...

we'd all be watching gas television.

May I help you, ladies?

Yes. I am Mrs. Harkness, the Mrs. Harkness...

and this is my daughter Dorothea.

We saw your little shop and it looked so quaint.

Mother and I are always looking for something new and different.

You see, the ball of the season is coming up, and Dorothea and I...

are determined to be a dramatic success.

Now, all you have to do is make us beautiful. We're already rich.

Ladies, you see, here at Lily's...

we feature the glamorous Old World look.

And Madame Lily is our beauty expert.

Here she is now. Greetings, ladies.

Mother, what is that? Oh, they're all characters my dear.

You remember our last beautician wore a beard? But she did marvelous work.

Now, I tell you what, you just leave yourselves in our hands...

and we'll create something for you, just for you...

that is utterly, utterly new and different.

Very well. If you can guarantee...

that when we enter the ballroom, all heads will turn.

Rest assured.

When we're finished with you...

people will not be able to believe their eyes.

Thank you.

Herman, the machine is finished. And we're ready for our first test.

You really think it will transmit electrical power through the air?

We'll know in a minute. Now, Herman, you just take this electric light bulb...

and stand over there.

Now, when I turn on the machine, that will light the bulb.

Yeah? Yeah.

Now get ready.

We did it. We did it!

This ought to show up Lily and Marilyn.

There. Now, put down the bulb and pick up the electric shaver.

It works. It works!

It's a triumph. This is a moment that will go down in scientific history.

Herman, what are you doing?

As long as it's running, I thought I'd give myself a quick shave.

A little more toadstool base for Mrs. Harkness.

Thank you.

Now, while that's soaking...

I'll curl Dorothea's hair.

Get back in the chair, dear. This won't hurt a bit.

And now for the supreme test. When I turn on the machine...

I'm going to light all the streetlights in the city by remote control.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Is this a momentous event?

I haven't been this excited since the Moon Maid had a baby on Dick Tracy.

Quiet, Herman. Quiet.

I'm gonna turn on the machine full blast.

You know something, Grandpa...

I don't think this machine is quite ready to be put on the market yet.

Well, Marilyn, both ladies are finished. We are ready for the unveiling.

Fine. Mrs. Harkness, Dorothea, you can come out now.

Didn't they turn out well?

Let's see how you look, Mother.

Dorothea! Mother!

You know, Aunt Lily, I have a suspicion that we've gotten off to a bad start.

Mr. Holmes, there are two women here...

who claim to be Mrs. Harkness and her daughter.

Claim to be? They're two of my oldest clients. Don't you recognize them?

I'm afraid not, Mr. Holmes. And I don't think you will either, sir.

Send them right in. Yes, sir.

You may come in.

Ladies. This is a...

Help! Help! Get them out of here. What is this?

Will you please get down from there, Mr. Holmes?

It's only us. Mrs. Harkness and Dorothea.

So it is. What happened?

This is the result of a visit to a beauty parlor.

From the evidence, we'll have no trouble suing at all.

As a matter of fact, we stand a good chance of sending the culprits to jail.

You're so reassuring. I could just kiss you.

Get away! Get away from me or I'll scream.

Will you please get down, Mr. Holmes...

and let us tell you the facts of the case?

"And unless you restore my clients to their former beauty...

"you will be liable for damages and prosecution...

"to the fullest extent of the law.

"Signed, Edgar Z. Holmes, Attorney."

Why, I never... Have you ever... Can you imagine, Marilyn?

They want to look like they did...

when they came in here?

Of all things.

I guess there are a lot of sick people in this world.

Isn't it a shame?

We're having so much trouble...

and Grandpa and Uncle Herman are doing so well with their experiment.

Destroying municipal property?

$1,000 fine? Police? Jail?

Yes, I think I get the picture. Thanks a lot for calling.

What's the matter, Grandpa?

Are they annoyed with us for destroying their street lamps and equipment?

Yes, and they traced it to us.

And if we don't pay a $1,000 fine, they're gonna throw us in jail.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh, dear.

Spending time behind bars?

This may get me thrown out of the Indian Guides.

Now, you're sure when we walk out of here...

our former appearance will be completely restored?

Yes. If you want to go through life looking the way you did...

there's nothing we can do about it.

And now we'll apply our special neutralizer.

Well, Herman, good as new. Oh, goody.

Let's blow out all the street lamps again.

Herman, will you cool it?

This time we're gonna be more cautious, try something a little easier.

What are we gonna do?

Instead of fooling with the electric power plant this time...

I'll just turn on the lights in Lily's beauty shop by remote control.

Neato.

Ready? Ready.

Dorothea, do you feel anything? Yes, Mother.

Something like a current going through my head.

That's just the effect of the neutralizer.

It's working. It's working.

Now we'll lift up the dryers and see how their hair turned out.

Let me out of here.

Let me out of here.

My beautiful hair. My crowning glory.

Mother, you look like a plucked chicken.

Don't tell me how I look, you gruesome little brat.

Don't you have anything to say?

Yes. Will this be cash or charge?

Mrs. Harkness and her daughter are here again, Mr. Holmes.

Send them in. I'm quite sure they look a lot different...

from the last time they were here.

They do, sir.

You can come in now.

Ladies, I'm...

Excuse me a minute.

Yes, I think I feel better now. Won't you be seated?

Tell me what happened.

Cigars, gentlemen? I'm sorry.

You're sorry? Look at us!

I demand action against those people.

We went back to Madame Lily's and...

"Therefore, on behalf of my clients...

"we are instigating a lawsuit against you...

"demanding $10,000 in damages."

Lily, I hate to say "I told you so," dear...

but I've been against this beauty parlor idea from the beginning.

Now, you say that these women...

lost their hair in the beauty shop yesterday afternoon?

That's right, Grandpa.

It was about 3:30.3:30.

Lily...

I would say that with your poor judgment in business matters...

you have frittered away your share of Cousin Wolverine's money.

Frittered. Frittered. Frittered. Frittered. Frittered. Frittered.

I would also like to add at this time...

that at exactly 3:30, Grandfather and I were perfecting our ray machine.

And it was exactly at that time...

that we turned on the lights in your beauty shop.

Well, the lights did go on and off...

and then there was a strange humming in the dryers...

and then the two women lost their hair.

Very interesting. Very interesting.

But I don't think anything can be gained by clouding the issue...

with inconsequential trivia.

Excuse me, Perry Mason, will you knock it off?

- What's the matter? - What's the matter?

At exactly 3:30 yesterday afternoon...

while we were trying to contact...

the beauty parlor with our energy machine...

those two women lost their hair.

To put it in legal terms...

they are the baldees, we are the baldors.

Herman, is this true?

It couldn't be.

Grandpa and I were working together...

I mean, it was our scheme, it...

I mean, jointly, he and I were...

He's the man who did it. There's your man right there.

I was just a poor, dumb tool in the hands of this Svengali.

Herman, what are you saying?

I have never seen this man before in my life.

Stop it, both of you. We're all in this together.

Now let's just figure a way out of this terrible trouble.

It's the police. It's the police.

They've come to get us. I'm too young to go to reform school.

Herman, you just stay here.

Marilyn and I will answer the door.

Come on, Grandpa, now's our chance. We can hide in the cellar.

Right behind you, coward.

It's us, Mrs. Harkness and Dorothea.

Your hair. It's grown back in.

And it's so beautiful.

And, Madame Lily, it was your treatment that did it.

Overnight it grew back like this.

We must run along, my dears.

We just wanted to tell you we talked to our lawyer...

and we have decided to finance your amazing method.

Mother says we'll all make millions.

One can never be too rich, you know. I'm delighted but...

I'll need a little time to talk this over with my father and my husband.

By all means do. We're so grateful to the two of you.

Goodbye, my dears. Goodbye.

Bye. Bye-bye, now.

Herman, Grandpa, come up here quickly.

That machine of Grandpa's will make a fortune for us.

Our troubles are over. We have something to tell you.

Us first. Our troubles are over and we have something to tell you.

Yes. Lily, you have nothing to worry about.

They have no evidence against us.

Your brilliant husband and I just destroyed our power ray machine.

That's right. We did it together.

But that machine was worth millions.

It grows beautiful, luxurious hair overnight.

He's the man who broke it. He did it. Huh?

He did it. He did it. He did it.

There, I think I've got all the bugs out of it now.

Stand over there.

When I turn it on now, you'll have more

hair on your head than the barbershop floor.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't feel anything yet. I'll turn up the juice.

Still don't feel anything.

There. If that don't do it, nothing will.

There's enough current flowing through there to grow hair on a bowling ball.

Grandpa...

you just took the words out of my mouth.

I'm ruined, ruined, ruined, ruined, ruined.

Cheer up, Grandpa. Cheer up!

If we can find a market for hairy bowling balls...

we can make a fortune.