All language subtitles for Kevin s01e02.eng

[lively chatter, laughter]

Okay, who here is watching
this baby eagle nest cam?

Because my friend met them,
and I guess they're actually really nice.

Morning meeting time, y'all.
Everybody shut the fuck up.

-[fanfare playing over laptop]
-The glitz, the glamour, the pageantry.

It's Astoria's biggest night.

It's 9:30 in the morning, right?

It's time to announce
the Animal of the Month.

-Oh, wow!
-Yay! Whoo! Yeah!

From the cute noises you make
to the little poops you take,

you've made me fall in love
with the magic of being an animal.

And without further ado,
the nominees are, Judy...

[gasps] I have butterflies in my tummy.

I had butterflies for breakfast.

Feral Streep.

[Cupcake] Feral always wins.

Oh, she's coasting on her earlier work.

-Kevin.
-Hmm?

And with a posthumous nomination,
our dearly departed friend

-Caesar.
-[others] Aw...

And now, the winner
of Animal of the Month...

My eyes see Kevin!

-Me?
-[others booing]

No! This was our last chance
to honor Caesar.

-Fuck you.
-Ugh! It is always cat.

-Go, Kevin, go. I know him.
-[Bear] Rigged!

Wow. Thank you. I'm honored. I'm humbled.

Just one question: What is this?

What is Animal of the Month?
I-I don't know what it is.

The Animal of the Month is featured
on the landing page

of our very ugly website,

which means you need to finish
your adoption profile.

But I want to meet someone
the old-fashioned way,

screaming at the top of my lungs outside
their window until they start feeding me.

Trust me, Kevin. This is the way to go.

You can list all the things you want
in a person and put up a snazzy photo.

Maybe you getting an ice cream
with ya boys.

A pic, huh? Can it just be my face,
or do I need to show tail?

Okay, I've had enough
of Animal of the Month

and its pro-adoption, pro-human agenda.

I'm leaving. [grunts, gasps]

Hello. It's me, Caesar.

-I'm normal, and nothing is wrong with me.
-[Seth gasps]

-Caesar!
-Nuh-uh, Seth. We are not doing

any Pet Sematary shit in here no more.
I walk in the Lord's fucking light.

[distorted] I think he's okay.

-Oh, how we missed you, friend.
-[growls]

-[screaming]
-Holy shit.

Call the CDC.

Don't help him. He has to learn.

[Seth] N-No teeth. No teeth.
Just kissies. Ow!

-[Bear] He's just mad because he lost.
-[growls]

[Brandi] Okay, everyone,

next on the agenda,

what are we doing
for my birthday month, y'all?

-It's only ten months away.
-[Seth] This is my fault.

? I'm coming home, I'm coming home ?

? Ooh ?

? I'm coming home, I'm coming home ?

? Ooh ?

? I'm coming home ?

? I'm coming home, but I'm gonna roam ?

? out on my own ?

? Till you're home with me ??

[Kevin] I'm Kevin.

[Kevin] I don't know
about this profile thing.

I just stopped living with people.

I don't know if I'm ready
to get adopted again.

Maybe not right now,
but someday you will be.

Stay ready so you don't have to get ready.

Okay, I guess it doesn't hurt
to start thinking about what I want.

Let's see. Um, I want a human
who's into the Criterion Closet.

-One who loves Halloween. One who loves--
-Halloween?

The holiday for fat children

where black cats get sacrificed?

Yeah, but it's also sweater weather,

that tweet comes back
where the Babadook's at the wine party,

and, come on, the costumes are fun.

-Are you mad? Cats despise costumes.
-We do?

Wait, which one am I again? Hall?

You're Oates. I didn't do
all that laser hair removal

to have a fucking mustache again.

-Right, right, I'm Hall.
-I just said you're Oates.

So... you're Hall,
and Kevin is the ampersand.

[grunts] Doesn't matter
how much I back up,

I'm still in this stupid... [yowls]
Can't breathe.

Ah! Stepped in my water dish.

[grunts]

Maybe I don't like Halloween.

Last year I was a butterfly princess,
and this year I'm gonna be John Wick.

Holy shit. Are all my interests
just Dan and Dana's interests?

Uh... what do I like?
What does Kevin want?

What is a Kevin?

-Jesus fucking Christ.
-Pew, pew, pew, pew. Die!

Stop spiraling.

You went through a breakup.
You'll figure it out.

You know, you might be a alligator,
but you fuck like a crocodile.

-Don't call me again. Okay?
-[phone buzzing]

[Izzy over phone] Cupcake,
they can't do that.

Izzy, I'm telling you, I want the Lambo
with matte and gloss paint,

no plates, no mirrors, six fucking wheels.

[phone beeps]

[Armando] Now that's a cat
who knows what she wants.

-You got to be more like Cupcake.
-Yeah.

Cupcake, wait up.

Damn it. I need to get my nails done.

Ooh, fancy.

It's actually terrifying,
which is why I insist on being sedated.

I love that you're still talking to me.

But this med spa won't do that
unless I have an escort home.

Fucking nanny state.

Ooh, I know. Let me help you.

I'll make sure you get home safe.

This is what it's come to.

I used to vacation with Prince.

I'm gonna hold your entire life
in my hands,

which were flippers when I was born.

[groans]

I can't believe you fell asleep
during our TV time again.

I'm starting to think you don't want
to rewatch Dharma & Greg with me.

No. I love how, uh, different they are.

She's a hippie and-and he's a...
he's Greg.

Brandi! Whose ass does Peter have to eat
to get awards recognition around here?

-Every nominee was a cat.
-And why Kevin?

-He-he just get here.
-[Seth] O-Okay.

Maybe it would help you guys
if I made my process more transparent.

My process is...

I listen to my heart,
and my heart said Kevin.

-Your heart is bullshit!
-Choke on my tail and die.

These fucking idiots are right.
You've been doing this all wrong, Seth.

-Yeah.
-[laughs]

Now, honey, uh, in Couples,

-Devorah told us...
-[sighs]

...not to undermine each other at work.

Fuck Devora!
I'm trying to run a business here.

We should be putting our hottest product
front and center on this ugly-ass website.

I don't know about
calling our friends "product."

Well, I don't give a Peter's ass
what you think.

Now I got to take over
Animal of the Month,

and I already got so much shit
on my plate.

Shaking hands, kissing babies,
shaking babies, biting the babies,

getting in trouble for biting the babies.
It doesn't end.

Listen up! Kevin's out.
A new Animal of the Month is in.

There's gonna be a recall, y'all.

-[cheering]
-Restart the count!

[up-tempo music playing]

So this is really my first time
living on my own. Uh...

[whimpers]

And I guess I'm having a little bit
of an identity crisis.

Whew. Should've brought my inhaler.

-Fetch. [grunts]
-[bottle shatters]

[grunts] Oh, wow. Okay.
I guess we're switching buildings now.

Oh, no! Ah!

[sighs] Anyway, you know what you like.

How do I get like that?

Is there a class I can take? Or a five-
to seven-minute YouTube video I can watch?

Kevin, there's no video for this shit.

You got to hit the streets.
You got to get out there.

Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm a street walker.

But not that kind. Not-not-- No.
Not that it's bad.

Sex work's great. I mean, sex is--
Sex work is work.

Uh-huh.

Anyway, we got to go
'cause our ride is here. Um...

-You do have life insurance, right?
-What?

No! I just remembered you're crazy!

[screams, grunts]

Ow.

And then, one time,
I saw a yellow leaf on a branch,

but then I came back later
and it was on the ground.

Crazy, right?

I'm going to ask them
to put me down permanently.

Put you down where? [gasps] On the ground?

I love the ground.

That's where bugs dance.

-[tranquil music playing]
-Shh...

Shh...

What are you doing?

I'm a white noise machine
to help you sleep.

Would you prefer whale sounds?

Or maybe an audiobook?

Ulysses by James Joyce.

"Stately, plump Buck Mulligan
came from the stairhead..."

[groans] You're ruining drugs.

Just make sure me... [groans]
me g... get home.

Don't worry, Armando.

I'm gonna take such good
[voice distorts] care of you.

[Armando groans]

-Wha...
-You're back.

-[Armando] Huh?
-I missed your cutting

but accurate observations.

What? Where am I? What happened?

We got adopted!

[dark music playing]

Uh, I-I'm not sure about us
walking on the subway tracks.

-Aren't you worried about the third rail?
-Third rail's a myth.

[electricity buzzing]

[shadowy figure] Tell me what to do?
[laughs, mumbles incoherently]

Hey. I-I-I think someone else
is down here.

-[shadowy figure] Hey, Cupcake.
-What the hell is that?!

[Cupcake] Oh, grow up.
It's just Rat Pizza.

[Kevin] Rat Pizza?

You want to take a video or something?

-Not really.
-Oh.

I bet if I was Pizza Rat, you'd be
whipping your fucking phone out.

But you see a living piece of pizza
dragging a rat around,

and that's too weird?
Fuck you, man. Fuck off.

[Monica gasps]

-Cupcake!
-[Cupcake] Monica.

-What's good, baby? Give me the dirt.
-Ooh!

Today's hot goss is as steamy
as the F platform in August.

Okay, so Naked Sam got shoes,
there's a hibachi pop-up on the E,

and the cockroaches are organizing.

Good for them. Union strong.

You know, I heard the bed bugs made
a really bad deal and fucked them over.

Hold on a second. I got to make
an important MTA announcement.

-[P.A. chimes]
-[Monica speaks indistinctly over P.A.]

[muffled talk]

Cupcake, is this, like, uh, your person?

Person? I don't have a person.

I have people.
I got spots all over the city. Okay?

Ah, right, right, right. I like that.

-Who wouldn't want some Kev in their life?
-[Monica] Kev?

You want to pull a lever
and switch the track?

Me? I-I couldn't. I simply couldn't.

Oh, come on. Isn't it every New Yorker's
dream to control the subway?

That and getting deep dicked
on the big piano at FAO Schwarz. Huh.

["Chopsticks" playing on piano]

Don't be a pussy. It's easy. Go for it.

Yes, child. Operate a train.
You want this.

Okay, okay. [chuckles]
Only 'cause you guys really want me to.

-[screaming]
-[Cupcake] I can't believe you did that!

-You said--
-Not that lever! -It's 3:00 p.m.!

-School just let out!
-You crashed the train!

-Oh, God!
-You just killed

-hundreds of kids!
-Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

-[Monica and Cupcake laughing]
-We just fucking with you.

-Ooh, damn. You should've seen your face.
-[chuckles]

You got me. Made me think
I killed a bunch of kids.

I put fresh ice in your Stanley, my love.

I want you hydrated for today's
Animal of the Month auditions.

Gimme, gimme, gimme!

[slurping]

Okay, I'm done with this.
Put it in the trash.

My name is Glenn.
I'm a Pisces, and I'm a member of A.A.

Acorns Anonymous.

I actually saw the squirrel from Ice Age
at a meeting last night.

-Wait, I am not supposed to tell you that.
-[Brandi] Next!

-[growls]
-[ball squeaks]

As you can see,
Peter can fetch like a good boy.

And he will not jump up on couch.

-Unless this is casting couch.
-[Brandi] Next!

And now a small popcorn and a soda is $30?

-Email my son if I do win.
-Next.

[Brandi] Mm.

Dang. Yeah, bring it home.

Mama likey. Whew.

I'm Faye. I'm auditioning for the role
of animal in Animal of the Month.

I'm 15 hands tall, I'm with Gersh,
and I'm willing to shave.

Faye, how old is your fucking headshot?

You look like you just slipped out
of a mare's cooch.

If you want something more recent,
I can send you a link to my web series.

It's like Curb, but it's me!

Next. Next. Next. Next. Next!

Judy, you were supposed to
bring me right home.

I was, but then I met our mommy.

What? I do not have a mommy.

Yes, you do. She smells like
cinnamon rolls and love and $60 candles.

Oh, no, no. I was unconscious.

This is not a valid adoption.

Goodbye.

Now where the hell am I?

Hey, I need you to put your dresses on
and get back in the installation.

You got it, Mommy.

This is Mommy? She's a teenager.

Yes, that's the best kind of mommy.

People have so many questions.

Guys, for real.
You're fucking up my RISD application.

Oh. I get it. You're an "artist,"

and that bedroom is a commentary on what
it's like to be a young woman in America.

Um, that's an oversimplification
of my work,

-but--
-Tell me about this one.

That painting is Flo from Progressive
nude and crucified.

How edgy. Let me guess:
the paint is your menstrual blood?

No. It's my friend's.

The color of mine is all wrong
for this piece.

My compliments to the chef.

[chuckles] Uh, would you want a tour
of the gallery?

Yes, Mommy, yes!

And then let's take a tour
of the Museum of Ice Cream.

[gasps] And then we could go out
to Baskin-Robbins!

-What is up with her?
-Don't drink when you're pregnant, kid.

Wow, Cupcake, you really have given me
a lot to think about.

There are a lot of problems at the MTA
and pizza can be alive sometimes.

But his hate will kill him.

Anyway, thanks for the super fun night.

Can't wait to go home now, get in bed,

and turn this whole experience over
in the rock tumbler

-of my mind.
-Go home?

Bitch, we just getting started.

-[The Strokes sing "Last Nite"]
-? Last night ?

? she said, "Oh, baby, I feel so down ?

? Oh, it turns me off
when I feel left out" ?

? So I, I turned round ?

? Oh, baby, don't care no more ?

? I know this for sure, I'm ??

[somber music playing]

-[conversing in Spanish]
-It is time

I am ready

Cupcake

-["Last Nite" resumes]
-? Last night, she said ?

? "Oh, baby, I feel so down,
see, it turns me off..."

I am alive!

[Cupcake] You know I got rimmed
in the torch once, right?

-[ferry horn blows]
-? I turned round ?

? Oh, little girl...

Ugh. My dad and my Uncle Anthony
are making another

Avengers movie.

[Armando] They sound insufferable.

Yeah, like all people.

"Honey, the horseradish chips
are back at Trader Joe's,

-and I won't shut the fuck up about it."
-[chuckles] Right?

I mean, the world's on the verge
of societal collapse,

and there's a filter on TikTok called
"Collarbones Popping."

Fuck everyone.

-[Judy strains] Hey, guys.
-Huh?

-Judy, get off the art!
-But I am the art.

I'm capitalism!

Oh, my God. For the hundredth time,
you're toxic positivity.

Right. I'm toxic positivity!

She's so annoying.

But this piece eats. I'm so going to RISD.

She looks like she's been up there
for a while. Maybe it's time for a break.

Judy, do you want to take a break?
Or do you want to make Mommy happy?

I want to make Mommy happy.

-See? She loves it.
-[whimpers] Oh, no.

-Ah, my collarbone's popping.
-[bone snaps]

Wow. I'm feeling pumped.

Let's go to a rock climbing gym.
Oh, wait, let's do karaoke.

Baby, I'm banned from K-town.

Ooh, I want to get banned from somewhere.

[Muzak playing]

[gasps] Holy shit.

Look at him.

Thick sweater, strong hands for petting,
and all that access to fish.

Then, Kevin, go get that fish.

-Can I help you?
-Me? No, I'm just browsing.

What's up with you?

Doing all the tasks that Wengman's
pays you an hourly rate to do?

I'm actually salaried with benefits.

Sallied with bennys. Good on Wengman's.

Hey, check this out. The store just got
an extra crate of Antarctic toothfish.

And it's coming home with me.
Don't tell nobody.

I shall take it to my grave.

My shift ends in ten. Come back
to my place. You can have a taste.

Yeah, I could, I could go taste--
taste some stuff at your place. Sure.

So, the fish counter guy
wants to hang out.

He's gonna give me free fish!

Okay, baby. You go have some fun.

You're not coming with me?

Mm-mm. I'm gonna stay back
and have a gangbang with these lobsters.

[lobster] Fuck my tail.

Judy.

Judy!

Ugh, look at these American Girl dolls.

The 2008 housing crisis one
and the girl who was on the Titanic...

OceanGate sub that imploded.

-[sighs heavily]
-[Armando] There you are.

What are you doing in here?

I'm taking my five

-before I have to represent racism.
-[toy squeaks]

Oh, come on. Get real with me.

Do you really want to live
with little miss RISD?

Yes. I love Mommy and the cold white paint
of the gallery walls.

No warmth, no comfort, just commentary.

Look, I know it's your dream
to get adopted,

but Chloe doesn't see you as a pet.

She sees you as a prop.

[plaintive music playing]

She's a mean mommy.

Judy, I may not believe in
having a person, but you do.

So, you should hold out for the right one.

You're so right.

And so soft.

Ugh.

Now, let's get the fuck out of here.

Right after we free Julia Fox.

I don't think she knows
she's in an installation.

I'm capitalism

[romantic piano music playing]

It's marketed as Chilean sea bass,
but that's actually a sister species.

Mmm.

Bro, whatever it is, it's amazing.

Pairs nicely with that Blanc, right?

Mmm. I hope you don't mind, but
I'm gonna get a little more comfortable.

I want to make biscuits on that.

[laughs]

Uh, dude, let me give you the full tour.

Surprisingly roomy in here, right?

Wow. Whoa.

Killer setup, man. Oh, and those shelves.

[grunts] Dude.

Yeah, made them myself,
out of hickory from an old whiskey barrel.

Whiskey? Okay, now we're bro-ing out.

Pretty sturdy, right?

Oh, yeah, could totally see myself
knocking something off this

while you're trying to read.

[voice] Wouldn't you be a little bit
more comfortable if you got on his lap?

-Uh, who's that?
-[chuckles] Oh.

That's Jared.

[Kevin] You have a pet fish?

Isn't that weird? You know, with your job?

I leave my work at work.
Jared's a good hang. Promise.

Okay, if you say so.

Uh, nice to meet you, Jared.

You're still not on his lap.

Okay.

[suspenseful music playing]

Now give him some pets.

You're a bossy little guy, aren't you?

Don't look at me. Look at him while
he scratches you behind your little ears.

-Oh, fuck, that's good.
-Yeah, that's good.

That's fucking good.
Now pull on his tail. Yank it.

-Yank it good.
-[yelps] Don't love that.

-Ow!
-[Jared] Now feed him some flakes.

Jam your finger in his mouth like a hook.
Put him on ice and price him!

[grunts] Okay, hang on, hang on.

-Whoa.
-What's wrong?

Yeah, I-I'm not one to kink shame,
but I don't think I'm game for this...

cucking thing.

Uh, what are you talking about?

This isn't cucking. You're my surrogate.

He can't get any cuddles
or scratchies in there.

-So you're getting them for me.
-I thought that was pretty clear.

Guys, with all due respect,
this is just a little weird.

Wow. Wow. Okay.

So I'm a fucking weirdo
because I want to be included?

You've upset Jared, and if he cries
too much, his tank will overflow.

Please leave. Now.

Uh, okay.

Well, um, thanks for the fish.

The fish I was eating, not Jared,
of course. I... Yeah.

Anyway, it stinks in here.
You should get an air purifier. Bye.

-Hey, Cupcake!
-Did you have a good time in there?

No, it was fucking terrible.

Well, you can't trust a man
too comfortable handling fish.

-You know what I mean?
-No, I do not. Uh...

[sniffing] Wait. What is that, butter?

Oh, yeah. Your lobster thing.

-[lobster] Come on. Sloppy seconds, baby.
-[growling]

[Cupcake] No, you're not getting any more.
Leave me alone.

-Clingy-ass crustaceans.
-I...

I think I'm done with sea creatures
for tonight.

I just want to go home.

[Cupcake] Ooh!

My pussy smells like Old Bay.

[Kevin] Is it bad
that that's making me hungry?

[Cupcake] Yes.
But let's go get a lobster roll.

[laughing]

-[snoring]
-I can't take the waiting.

I got to go call my sponsor.
Will you come get me if I win?

I will not. Because you will lose.

-[phone beeps]
-Liam. Liam.

I'm really struggling here, bud.

I miss Mommy.

Do you miss Mommy?

Oh, shut the fuck up, Judy.

Well, y'all, I just want to say
that I learned a lot yesterday.

Now I see you all as individuals
and not just surrogate children

for couples who can't afford
Astoria preschool prices.

Each and every one of you is so special.

But there can only be one winner.

And so, well,
the Animal of the Month is...

-[drumroll playing]
-[laughs]

It's me!

-Oh, come on!
-[booing, hissing]

Bark, bark, bark, bark-bark-bark!

-I am ripping up speech.
-Ridiculous.

But-but not for nest.

I wanted Yellowstone to win.

-Brandi, hello! Yes! Over here!
-All right, boys, let's go!

-To your left!
-Let's get an OTS.

-That's "over-the-shoulder."
-Yeah! Over here!

Now somebody make me laugh.

I want to do one of them
laughing pictures,

and I don't know how to do it naturally.

And get my feet in there.

-I want to get my score up on wikiFeet.
-Over here!

[groans] I am never eating fish again.

[gags] Except tuna.

Oh, and maybe salmon.
Aw, fuck it. I fucking love fish.

Kevin! Tell me all about your big night!

Did you figure everything out?

Do you know exactly what you want
in a person?

No, I have no fucking idea what I want.

In fact, I feel like I know less
than I did yesterday.

-Kevin, can I tell you a story?
-[gentle music playing]

Once, there was a green leaf.

Oh, God, no.

And this green leaf lived on a branch,
and it was happy.

But then the seasons changed,

and the green leaf turned yellow
and it started to fall.

It didn't know where it was gonna end up.

But then it found its new home
on the ground, where bugs dance.

Judy, what the fuck are you talking about?

[Armando cries]

You're not gonna figure it out
in one night.

You got to just keep getting out there.

[phone rings]

[Cupcake] Cupcake's burner.

Unless, of course, you're the cops.
Then, fuck no, it isn't.

[indistinct, muffled voice over phone]

What? Those fucking lobsters
gave me crabs.

Kids, got some news.

There's no hair here, so we're moving back
to the movie theater in Times Square!

-Yay!
-Woo-hoo!

I'm gonna get Reese's Pieces!

And I'm gonna drink human blood!

-[? Daryl Hall & John Oates
sing "Out of Touch"] -[Kevin] Okay, let's see.

Likes.

Riding in the back of a garbage truck.

I would prefer a fish-free home.

Halloween.

Eh, some parts of Halloween.

? Shake it up is all that we know ?

? using bodies up as we go ?

? I'm waking up to fantasy ?

? The shades all around ?

? are the colors we used to see ?

? Broken ice still melts in the sun ?

? and ties that are broken
can often be one again ?

? We're soul alone ?

? and soul really matters to me ?

? Oh-oh-oh ?

? Oh-oh-oh ??

Chirp.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0