Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:09,520
This programme contains
some strong language
and scenes of sexual violence
2
00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:15,640
# Why must I be a teenager in love?
3
00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:18,600
# Each time we have a quarrel
4
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:21,560
# It almost breaks my heart
5
00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:24,120
# Cos I'm so afraid
6
00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:27,560
# That we will have to part
7
00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:29,800
# Each night I ask
8
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:33,360
# The stars up above
9
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:37,520
# Why must I be a teenager...
10
00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:39,480
# ..In love?
11
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:42,640
# Each time we 'ave a quarrel
12
00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:45,360
# It almost breaks my heart
13
00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:48,200
# Cos I'm so afraid
14
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:51,200
# That we will 'ave to part... #
15
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:57,040
It must be yonks since he was
a teenager - in or out of love!
16
00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,440
Well, there you go.
17
00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:02,640
If he carries on,
he'll empty the place.
18
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:06,960
He can do what he likes, can't he?
Oh? Can he?
19
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:10,120
He's only the bloody owner,
ain't he?
20
00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,640
I mean it's his place, darling.
21
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,200
# ..If you should say we're through
22
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,360
# Well, if you want to make me cry
23
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:21,280
# That won't be so 'ard to do
24
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,960
# If you should say goodbye
25
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:27,240
# I'll still go on lovin' you...
26
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:33,560
# Each night I ask
the stars up above
27
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:39,080
HE MOUTHS
# Why must I be a teenager in love?
28
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:42,600
# I cried a tear
29
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,800
# For nobody but you
30
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:50,640
# I'll be a lonely one
If you should say we're through
31
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:54,120
# Well, if you want to make me cry...
32
00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:57,600
# That won't be so 'ard to do
33
00:01:57,600 --> 00:02:00,160
# If you should say goodbye
34
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:03,080
# I'll still go on... # Loving you.
35
00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:05,360
On what?
36
00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:06,840
Sorry?
37
00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:09,360
Oh, nothing. I, er...
38
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:12,320
This is all, er...a bit undignified.
39
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:16,480
I think I was thinking about
something else.
40
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:20,360
At least, I hope I was thinking
about thinking about something else.
41
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:26,760
Well, Mr Feeld, I'm just going to
insert a soft tube into your rectum.
42
00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:31,040
I AM thinking about something else.
Spare me the guided tour!
43
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:36,880
Oh, it's not that uncomfortable,
but you will want to defecate.
44
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:42,000
I'd be extremely obliged if you
don't. I've been well purged, anyhow.
45
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,040
HE BURPS
46
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:47,960
Sorry! That end's fine, but if you
could resist the urge to, um...
47
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,440
OK?
48
00:02:57,880 --> 00:02:59,600
Here goes!
49
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:04,960
Liquid barium's going in.
50
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,480
Comfortable?
51
00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:09,480
All right?
52
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:13,520
You can see your intestine
on that monitor above.
53
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:16,200
Not my sort of drama, Doctor.
54
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:23,320
And I didn't play with frogspawn
when I was a kid, either.
55
00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,840
And on to your tummy!
56
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,360
'He can do what he likes, can't he?'
57
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:48,720
Could you say that again, sir? >
58
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,920
Cla-rijj-is!
59
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:54,760
No, no!
Address - here in the United Kingdom.
60
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:56,640
Home - here!
61
00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,240
What?
62
00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,240
In England!
63
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,560
Where does she live?
64
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:05,520
I said! I said! Cla-ri-jjis!
65
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,520
Cla Regis...
66
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,920
How do you...?
67
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:11,840
Oh! Claridges!
68
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,640
The hotel?!
69
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,640
I said! I said!
70
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:17,160
Cla-ri-jjis!
71
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:17,160
Sorry, sir. I'm sorry.
72
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:21,720
And if I could just have
your mother's date of birth?
73
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:25,000
What?! What do you say?
74
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,280
Her age, sir. Please!
75
00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:31,240
How old is she? When was she born?
76
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:34,760
HE SHOUTS IN ARABIC
77
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,720
< Sixty-one.
78
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:41,640
She sixty-one.
79
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:43,720
Sixty-one?!
80
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,680
Six one! Six one!
81
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:51,800
Sixty-bloody-one! A great year
for St-Emilion, but drink it now!
82
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,720
Who in charge?
83
00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:59,000
It wasn't that bad - my dignity
is NOT to be found in my bum-hole.
84
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:04,640
Good! But now, Daniel,
I'm going to be DATE for my LATE.
85
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:07,280
It was the second bit I didn't like
very much.
86
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:08,960
The barium was fine...well, -ish.
87
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:13,520
Then they go and pump air up your
arse! What do you mean "air"?
88
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,760
It's to extend the lower bowel
or something.
89
00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:20,760
I thought I was going to float off
like a Zeppelin!
90
00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:24,040
I wish you had been able to float,
Daniel.
91
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:29,640
Why the heck don't you finally learn
to drive? It'd make a SOT of LENSE!
92
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:32,160
Your spoonerisms are showing, Ben.
93
00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:36,440
If I can't call on you, as my agent,
94
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:40,160
for the occasional, if demeaning,
bit of comfort and chauffeuring,
95
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:45,520
then I'm damned sure there's a few
other literary agents who'd oblige.
96
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:49,280
And without getting their words
back to front!
97
00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:50,800
Dan?
98
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,720
Are you all right?
99
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:58,200
How much did I earn last year, Ben?
100
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:58,200
What's all this?
101
00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:01,040
You know
I don't mind driving you somewhere,
102
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:04,640
but I MOO have a DEETING!
How much last year?
103
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:09,280
£488,724 and 80p gross.
104
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:13,080
Jesus Christ on a bike!
105
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:16,240
You know it just like that!
To the PEAREST NENNY!
106
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,720
..N-n-nearest penny.
107
00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,360
I had no idea it would be as much...
108
00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,040
When will they catch on,
109
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,760
those studios paying for drafts they
never actually make?
110
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:29,960
So, let's see...
111
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,400
You yourself, Ben Baglin,
112
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:37,520
you make 48,000 -
...no...nearly 49,000 pounds -
113
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:42,480
in 12 months and you kick up
a fuss... WOMAN: No, you look! >
114
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:47,720
It's not as though you haven't
done it often enough before, is it?
115
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:52,360
I don't want to do it with him
at all, thank you very much!
116
00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,800
But...they're speaking my...
117
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:58,560
You don't have to keep on
118
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:58,560
doing it with him! >
119
00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:02,400
I don't want to do it at all,
thank you very much!
120
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:05,920
It's not as if
you've never done it before!
121
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:09,200
What do you mean? Come on, Angel,
122
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:12,600
you've had more bonks with more
blokes than I've had bleedin'...
123
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,800
BEN: What are you saying here?
124
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:20,000
You're joking!
They were speaking my lines! No, no!
125
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,520
It's been happening all morning!
126
00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:26,320
This man burbling on the radio
when I woke up.
127
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,360
OK, it was a different context, yes,
128
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:33,080
but he says a sentence
from my Karaoke script.
129
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:36,200
And then...
That's pure coincidence!
130
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:37,840
..before I had the enema,
131
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:43,000
I distinctly heard the song
that begins the story -
132
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,160
"Why must I be...?"
What do you mean - "heard"?
133
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,440
Like Joan of Arc?
134
00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:51,120
Afterwards, the nurse...she...
135
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,520
Well, I thought she...
136
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:56,080
Oh, what's the point?
137
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,880
All I know is...
138
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:02,720
All I know is
something very strange is...
139
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:09,040
You've just been feeling low, Daniel.
140
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:11,480
That stomach-ache and...
141
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:15,080
Forgive me, I'll say it just once
more, I promise -
142
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:18,440
don't you think you're drinking
too much?
143
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:20,760
Drop me here! Stop!
144
00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:25,960
Daniel, come on! No, I've decided
not to go to the cutting room.
145
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:29,080
This bloody tummy-ache, it's...
146
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:32,280
No, if you put me down here,
147
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:36,120
I can beat that one-way system
and cut through to my flat.
148
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:39,840
I need to lie down,
or walk, or something!
149
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:55,000
Do you want me to call
the cutting room or anybody?
150
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:59,720
I'm seeing that flap-flap Anna
for dinner tonight, anyway!
151
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:03,400
Yuk! She'll humbugger on
about drink, too!
152
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,320
Mmm!
153
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,920
And to as little effect,
I promise you!
154
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:15,480
HE HUMS "Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho!"
155
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:31,080
# Your cheatin' heart
156
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,720
# Will make you weep
157
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:38,720
# You'll cry and cry
158
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:42,120
# And try to sleep
159
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:45,760
# But sleep won't come
160
00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:49,560
# The whole night through
161
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:53,560
# Your cheatin' heart
162
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:56,200
# Will tell on you
163
00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:01,040
# When tears come down
164
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:05,480
# Like fallin' rain
165
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,760
# You'll toss around
166
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:12,640
# And call my name
167
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:16,200
# You'll walk the floor
168
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:20,000
# The way I do
169
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,600
# Your cheatin' heart
170
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,880
PIPED MUSIC:
171
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,880
# Will tell on you... #
172
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,640
Oh, it's the fan!
173
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:34,600
Of course.
174
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:40,360
Sorry, Mr Morse?
175
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:40,360
What?
176
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:43,520
Sorry. I thought you spoke. I?
177
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,920
No, no, no. My mistake.
178
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,480
You think I talk to myself, do you?
179
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,920
No, Mr Morse, of course not.
180
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:53,920
Then why are you hovering?
181
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:58,200
I just thought you wanted something.
Oh, but I do!
182
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,880
All old men want
to call back yesterday.
183
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:10,360
But I don't imagine that
this establishment can offer up...
184
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:12,840
Dear God!
185
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,560
Now, look, Sandra. No, you look!
186
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:34,000
You don't have to keep on doing it
with him!
187
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,840
'I don't want to do it at all,
thank you very much!
188
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:41,360
'It's not as if
you've never done it before!
189
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:44,520
'What do you mean? Come on, Angel,
190
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:49,240
'you've had more bonks with more
blokes than I've had Weetabix!
191
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:54,640
'I ain't hardly never done it...
192
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:54,640
TELEPHONE RINGS
193
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,760
'..for money.'
194
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,760
Hello.
195
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:01,800
'I'd want a thousand on the table
before I'd even...
196
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:06,160
'You've got a cheek!
You can sod off! Watch the lip!'
197
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:12,280
No, no! I know what you...
198
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:17,080
No, it's very clearly HER
we want to see, Ian.
199
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,520
Is it?
200
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,520
I know it is.
201
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:22,280
Sure?
202
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:22,280
I know it is - full stop.
203
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:24,080
Fine - period.
204
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:28,000
I'm not saying I disagree, Nick,
but Ian's got a point.
205
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:31,040
Who was that? Sorry? On the phone.
206
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:35,360
Ben Baglin - Back-to-front Ben.
Daniel Feeld's agent.
207
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:38,880
Daniel Feeld!
Words never back-to-front!
208
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,480
In his scripts, they're supposedly
in a perfect sequence,
209
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,240
pre-ordained by Almighty God
himself!
210
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:45,760
Daniel Feeld, precious bastard!
211
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:49,280
He can't come to the cutting room
until tomorrow.
212
00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,760
Thank God for that!
Perhaps we can get on!
213
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:57,360
He will have his say,
especially about the music!
214
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,880
And then his funny old agent
215
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:03,200
will tell you to go and take a
JUNNING RUMP.
216
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:22,080
BIG BAND PLAYS EASY-LISTENING STYLE:
"Smoke Gets In Your Eyes"
217
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:32,120
MUSIC CONTINUES
218
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,120
MUSIC OFF
219
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,760
EEC Directive...
220
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:19,920
..89/622...
221
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,360
You pig!
222
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:24,880
You indulgent pig!
223
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:28,320
LIKE A DALEK: Obey the EEC. Obey!
224
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,800
TELEPHONE RINGS
225
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,600
Aaah! The health police!
226
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:59,160
I confess!
Daniel, good afternoon, Nigel here.
227
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,080
I've had your plates biked over.
228
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:08,520
I can tell you what's wrong. Join
the queue - it's like Harrods' sale!
229
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:12,160
You are suffering, Daniel,
from sigmoid spastic colon.
230
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:16,040
It's these spasms
which are giving you the pain.
231
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:21,040
You can see it on the plates. Anyway,
I've got your prescription ready.
232
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:24,880
Someone from Ben's office can file it
and bring you the pills -
233
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:26,680
they're called Spasmonal.
234
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,360
They'll stop the spasms. OK?
235
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:36,400
Then let's see. Spastic colon...
Is that what you're calling it?
236
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,200
It sounds sweet!
237
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:43,840
Or what is more popularly known
as IBS - Irritated Bowel Syndrome.
238
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:49,480
Use whatever diagnosis impresses the
most. Sorry it's not more dramatic.
239
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:53,960
I've known for a long time I've got
an Irritated HEAD Syndrome,
240
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,960
but
is that all it is? What causes it?
241
00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:00,600
In a word - stress. Fucking nonsense!
242
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:05,320
Stress - me? I'm as gentle
as the beat of an angel's wings!
243
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,480
"The words of the song come up
244
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:53,160
"on the lower half of the screen,
in English,
245
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,560
"sandwiched by Japanese.
246
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,120
"At the same time, from the start,
247
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:02,560
"a male voice is singing badly,
with an East End accent,
248
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:07,280
"the same words that march across
the screen, darkening on cue..."
249
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,240
MUSIC BUILDS: "A Teenager In Love"
250
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,200
"Slow dissolve.
251
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:15,600
"Exterior West End street. Night.
252
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,960
"Rain falling,
253
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,360
"making light slither
254
00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:23,560
"and passing traffic swish
and slush.
255
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:25,840
"Vaguely melancholy."
256
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:30,200
# ..That won't be so hard to do
257
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:33,160
# If you should say goodbye
258
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:36,240
# I'll still go on loving you
259
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:42,280
# Each night I ask
the stars up above
260
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:48,640
# Why must I be a teenager in love?
261
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:51,600
# I cry a tear
262
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,640
# For nobody but you... #
263
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,560
I'll be a lonely one
if you should say...
264
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,320
What?
265
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,240
Oh, yes!
266
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:03,960
That song.
267
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,600
The song at the start of Karaoke.
268
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,240
The baptismal bounce!
269
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,240
Oh. Yeah.
270
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:16,800
What do you mean?
Aren't you sure, Ms Producer? Sure?
271
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:21,960
AMERICAN ACCENT: Hey, babe! What's
the steak made of? Asbestos? What?
272
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,280
Maybe. Or my brain.
273
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:25,880
Your what?
274
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:29,080
You live alone, don't you, Daniel?
275
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:35,080
No wife. No mistress.
276
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:40,560
The occasional sleazy and all-but
commercial sneeze-like bonk,
277
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:46,440
preferably with someone with more
to lose than I have. No commitments.
278
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,120
No cleaner!
279
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:50,880
And, please note, and...
280
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:54,320
a capacity
for minding my own business!
281
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:57,080
Well, that's all very nice.
282
00:18:57,080 --> 00:19:02,280
Except? You forget how to talk to
people, how to treat your colleagues,
283
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:05,000
or how to be halfway polite!
284
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:10,120
But it's the crucial, comic
opening song in my script, Anna.
285
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:14,760
When we first see that place,
and Arthur Mailion bellowing -
286
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:20,160
Pig Mailion - the blackmailer,
the real foul-mouthed heavy.
287
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:23,040
PIPED MUSIC: "Donna"
288
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:27,360
Why do they do that in restaurants?
Muzak or whatever.
289
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:32,920
To fill the empty, divert the bored.
Why else? Showbiz. Essence of.
290
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,640
I usually manage to shut it out.
291
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:40,560
If you let background music get
to you, you'd never eat out at all.
292
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:43,960
They even do it
in funeral parlours nowadays.
293
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:49,080
On The Sunny Side Of The Street or
Life Is Just A Bowl Of Cherries?!
294
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:53,960
IN AN EAST END ACCENT:
Each night I ask the stars above...
295
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:58,880
AS HIMSELF:
Why must I be a teenager in love?
296
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:03,880
It's too on the nose.
297
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:07,040
That's the point - smack on the
schnoz, my love.
298
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,520
To be really funny, or...
299
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,560
It just lies there, that song.
300
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:15,600
Nick is... You know what Nick's like.
301
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:18,080
He isn't happy with it.
302
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:22,800
Aah! Poor little t'ing! And he
wants to change it. Well, he can't!
303
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,480
Anyway, he's already shot it.
304
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:29,520
It was on one of those cassettes.
He shot another version.
305
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,640
HE CHOKES
306
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:35,160
It's not a bad choice.
It's the same sort of...
307
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:38,920
He's used Your Cheating Heart,
the Hank Williams...
308
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,000
Wait there!
309
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:43,880
Don't move!
310
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:52,880
And that is what he said! God, I
was in stitches! Hurry up! "What...
311
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:58,920
"What," he said, "do you call a fish
without an eye?" Will you be long?
312
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:01,200
God, Annie, wait for it!
313
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,720
I said... It's a FSH!
314
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:08,480
Get it? A fsh! No "I", see?
315
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:08,480
SHE LAUGHS
316
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:16,000
Shit!
317
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,640
MAN: Charming(!) Listen to her! >
318
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:31,120
TELEPHONE RINGS
319
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:45,440
CALL RINGS OUT
320
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:53,360
TELEPHONE KEEPS RINGING
321
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:04,360
It's Daniel!
What are you doing, man? Doing?
322
00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:08,520
Doing?! I'm up to my neck in...
scripts as usual.
323
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:11,880
What do you think
I'm DUCKING FOOING?
324
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:13,920
The point is this -
325
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:17,920
that snotty, chinless bastard
Nick Balmer
326
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:21,160
has taken it into
327
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:21,160
his puffed-up apology for a head
328
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:23,800
to tamper with Karaoke.
329
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:26,320
I want you, straight away, Ben...
330
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:29,800
Is everything all right, madam?
331
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:29,800
Splendid, thank you.
332
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:34,480
Dinner with a lunatic -
it's the Community Care Programme.
333
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:43,600
We'll soon have that sorted out
I hope!
334
00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:48,960
For Christ's sake! You haven't
finished! Your glass is empty!
335
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,960
I AM sorry!
336
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,080
Er...!
337
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:56,920
Haven't you had enough already?
I knew you'd say that.
338
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:03,000
I'm sorry, Anna.
339
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,600
Look, I'm not the sort of writer...
340
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:13,840
..that thinks his words on the page
are holy written tablets of stone.
341
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:15,320
No?
342
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:17,960
Well, then, put down your chisel!
343
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:23,760
PIPED MUSIC: "A Teenager In Love"
344
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:31,840
HE HUMS ALONG
345
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:37,200
It IS weird, sort of creepy.
How do you mean?
346
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:42,520
I was a bit unsettled eating here in
the first place. It was YOUR choice.
347
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:45,240
I mean, here we are -
348
00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:49,120
the place where you lot filmed
on that Sunday months ago -
349
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:53,720
and here they are playing
the first song in the script!
350
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:55,920
It will be, Anna!
351
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,360
It WILL be!
352
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:03,800
I don't like the song of course,
353
00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:07,720
but the other one doesn't have
the same resonance.
354
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:11,720
What's the matter?
355
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:16,600
Oh, God.
356
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:21,400
It's the fan! Daniel...
..reflected on the top.
357
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:26,160
For a moment there,
358
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:29,160
I thought I was getting a message
from somewhere else or...
359
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:31,320
or the way...
360
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,640
it's on the surface...
361
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:37,120
Dan, why are you repeating
your own lines?
362
00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:40,040
Am I?
363
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,240
Oh, yeah.
364
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,880
Oh...this stomach!
365
00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:49,160
God in heaven!
366
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:54,800
Speaking my own lines?
367
00:24:54,800 --> 00:25:00,040
Isn't that the point? Isn't that
what my script's about - Karaoke?
368
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,640
As a metaphor, I mean.
369
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:06,520
The music's written and performed
by someone else
370
00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:12,400
and there's this piddling space for
you to sing, but to THEIR lyrics,
371
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,320
THEIR timing.
372
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:16,800
It's a feeling that...
373
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,920
Dan, are you all right?
374
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:24,120
The fee...
375
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:28,520
The feeling that...
376
00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:31,720
what we hear, see, think,
377
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:35,800
what we feel is so-say out there
in front of us.
378
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:40,400
The feeling that it's all,
somehow or other,
379
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:44,960
been arranged in advance by...
I don't know what to call it.
380
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:46,360
Paranoia?
381
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:59,400
I've always wanted to be
an artsy-fartsy arse-hole,
382
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,880
which is why I want to work
for the Arts Council.
383
00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:08,200
Or that magazine - what's it?
Sight And Sound!
384
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,840
I'd make a...
385
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,840
Up you! >
386
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:22,320
It's straight out of...
387
00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:24,800
It's the second page of my...
388
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,200
What's happening here?!
389
00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:30,040
Just...look, hang about a sec.
390
00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:33,360
If you'll just hold your bleedin'
horses a minute!
391
00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:38,840
I don't think... "Just hold your
bleedin' horses a minute!" What?
392
00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:41,800
Look, is this some sort of set-up?
393
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:47,120
Are you lot trying out a joke on
me or what? What are you on about?
394
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:48,720
They're speaking my lines!
395
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:51,560
Look, Sandra. No, you look! >
396
00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:55,560
You don't have to keep on
doing it with him!
397
00:26:55,560 --> 00:27:00,360
I don't want to do it at all,
thanks very much! Christ, I mean...
398
00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:05,160
It's not as if you've never done it
before! What do you mean?
399
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:08,080
What do I mean? Christ! Wake up!
400
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:11,480
You've had more bonks
with more blokes than I've had...
401
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:12,520
Weetabix!
402
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:16,120
I've never EVER done it!
Not for money!
403
00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:21,560
What d'you think I am?! I'd want a
thousand on the table before I'd...
404
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:24,080
You've got a bloody cheek, Peter!
405
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:26,400
Sod off! Hey! Hey!
406
00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:28,800
Watch the lip!
407
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,640
I'm sorry, love.
408
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:36,720
I thought for a minute there...
409
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:40,320
Those two - over there, you see?
410
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:47,480
They're too far away, aren't they?
Can you hear them?
411
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:49,600
Anna, can you?
412
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:53,520
Your speech is slurred.
Can you hear what they're saying?
413
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:58,040
Of course I can't! Why would
I want to, for heaven's sake?!
414
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:02,680
Oh, Daniel, please!
Surely you've had enough!
415
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:06,200
It can't be doing your stomach
much good.
416
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:09,400
Haven't the doctors told you that?
417
00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:12,120
Look at me when I'm talking to you!
418
00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:15,880
What's going on in that pretty head
of yours?
419
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:18,400
That guy keeps staring at me!
420
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:20,760
What - him?
421
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:23,440
He's nothing.
422
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:28,680
You should be used to that by now!
You're something, you are, Sandra!
423
00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:33,640
Real special! No, all the time! His
eyes are sticking out of his head!
424
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:37,360
As long as he's not
from Customs and Excise.
425
00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:41,680
No... No, he looks too intelligent.
426
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:46,480
Am I in a Top Shop window or
something? I've had enough of this!
427
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,720
Hey! None of that!
428
00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:53,200
Were you dragged up in a pigsty
or what?
429
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:56,200
ANNA: I assume service is included.
430
00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:58,640
Oh, but, but it's my invite!
431
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:03,200
You're not here, Daniel.
You're on some other planet -
432
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:05,920
one found at the bottom of a bottle.
433
00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:10,960
Sleep it off so you'll have a clear
head for the cutting room tomorrow.
434
00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:14,240
To assess the mess? What mess? Hah!
435
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:18,840
What mess? Thank you.
I hope you enjoy. Come again.
436
00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:23,920
We all know what Nick's like, but
he's done a good job on your script.
437
00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:27,120
He's arrogant! That twit-twit bray!
438
00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:29,880
That upper, upper-class thing.
439
00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:34,200
That cousin-of-the-Queen thing.
A trench full of blue shite!
440
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:38,320
Let's go, Daniel. It's my work,
my sweat he's fucking up.
441
00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:41,600
I won't be knocked down
by his bloody Rolls-Royce.
442
00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:45,120
A lot of things happen
in the cutting room.
443
00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:48,080
You never came on location once
444
00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:52,960
and you've only seen a few rushes,
so why don't you just wait and...
445
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:57,760
Anyway, you don't mean half of this.
You're drunk, Dan. It's gibberish.
446
00:29:57,760 --> 00:30:00,560
It's more tiredness than...
447
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:05,000
And deep disappointment,
I regret to say.
448
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:06,800
Deep, deep...
449
00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:09,320
Hey! Hang on!
450
00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:11,880
Anna!
451
00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:13,360
Anna!
452
00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:22,080
Anna!
453
00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:29,280
That girl in my Karaoke has such
a horrible death, doesn't she?
454
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:32,920
Will we see any of that tomorrow -
455
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:32,920
the killing?
456
00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:38,400
We're on the first reel - of course
not! It was such a horrible death!
457
00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:42,800
Why can you never get a taxi
when it's raining?
458
00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:44,640
You can if you've got an umbrella.
459
00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:47,320
"RUCKING FAIN," as Ben would say!
460
00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:52,840
Didn't I have an umbrella
when "Why Must I Be A Teen...?"
461
00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:57,160
No, that was...
the old man in my...in my...
462
00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:03,920
Here's one! Do you want a lift?
463
00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:06,720
Daniel!
464
00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:11,760
CAR DOOR SLAMS
465
00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:16,840
No, don't go!
466
00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:19,440
Anna, wait!
467
00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:21,160
Wait!
468
00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:22,360
Anna!
469
00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:24,520
Shall I stop?
470
00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:27,400
Not on your bloody life!
471
00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:30,560
And there's this guy.
472
00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:30,560
"Listen," he says.
473
00:31:30,560 --> 00:31:33,680
"He's got
a serious condition. Fatal."
474
00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:38,600
And I'm thinking to myself,
"Do you mean AIDS or the big C?"
475
00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:40,840
"Worse," he says,
476
00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:43,960
"he's under-capitalised!"
477
00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:43,960
THEY LAUGH
478
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:53,680
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
479
00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:59,760
He should press his conk up
against a drug store window!
480
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:16,120
PASSIONATE PANTING
481
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:24,240
"And then the grotesquely patterned
tie comes over her head
482
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:26,680
"and around her throat.
483
00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:31,800
"She thinks it's some game in the
manner she'd come to expect of him.
484
00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:35,760
"But then the choking begins."
485
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:37,880
SHE GASPS
486
00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:40,280
SHE SCREAMS
487
00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:45,240
CAR HORN SOUNDS
488
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:48,280
< There's some lunatics about,
489
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:48,280
Mr Balmer!
490
00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:50,520
You're right for once.
491
00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:55,160
Sorry? Well, it so happens
that that lunatic is my writer.
492
00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:58,440
I'd have given you a bonus if you'd
flattened the cocky little bugger.
493
00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:03,160
I'd have doubled your bonus
if you'd reversed back over him.
494
00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:06,200
Squishy guts - great sound!
495
00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:11,400
Sounds good! Will I get another go,
sir? I'll make sure you do, Tom.
496
00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,040
Come on!
497
00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:17,680
Come on!
498
00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:20,240
It's only a story!
499
00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:25,240
A story.
500
00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:41,280
I know this is the second time
I've changed my mind.
501
00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:45,960
It don't matter.
502
00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:45,960
I'll only be 15 minutes.
503
00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:49,200
No problem.
504
00:33:45,960 --> 00:33:49,200
And then on to Muswell Hill.
505
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:52,720
That's my neck of the woods.
Then I'm done!
506
00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:54,240
Great!
507
00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,240
DOORBELL RINGS
508
00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:09,960
# When tears, dum-dee
509
00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:13,640
# Like RALLING FAIN
510
00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:16,600
# You'll...dum-dee-dum
511
00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:20,120
# And NALL my CAME... #
512
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:24,600
KNOCK AT DOOR
513
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:24,600
No!
514
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:28,960
He'll be very, very cross
with me, my dear.
515
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:32,240
I should be made
to go to bed early.
516
00:34:32,240 --> 00:34:34,400
But I'm sure that...
517
00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:35,920
Mother!
518
00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:39,960
What have I said? How could you?
519
00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:41,000
Ben...
520
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:42,040
Anna!
521
00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:45,120
I'm sorry!
She's a nice girl, Ben!
522
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:48,280
BO to GED! I'm going! I'm going!
523
00:34:50,160 --> 00:34:53,640
She's a nice girl, Ben.
Nice, nice...
524
00:34:53,640 --> 00:34:55,320
Nice...
525
00:34:57,000 --> 00:35:00,920
That's what
you should be thinking of, Ben.
526
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:03,800
Ben...
527
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:08,360
Oh, dear... I...I...
528
00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:11,280
This is my leisure hour.
529
00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:13,920
My private time.
530
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:18,960
I'm sorry to barge in on you,
but I've just been with Daniel Feeld,
531
00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:21,840
and I don't... Oh!
532
00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:27,000
My, er... My nephew.
533
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:31,840
My youngest sister's youngest boy.
She won't let him, so I...
534
00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:34,280
During the day, you know.
535
00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:37,800
I'm out, so I...
536
00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:37,800
But it's wonderful!
537
00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:40,640
Is it?
538
00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:44,600
The boy must be a genius! It's...
539
00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:52,920
Really, Ben, this is something
I'm glad to have seen.
540
00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:57,080
I thought these sorts of things
had gone with the wind!
541
00:35:57,080 --> 00:35:59,720
Well, I know what you...
542
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:06,720
I must admit I'm sometimes tempted
to HEND a LAND on it myself.
543
00:36:06,720 --> 00:36:08,040
Pardon?
544
00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:10,600
Lend a hand.
545
00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:14,720
Lend a hand. I have this PRITTLE
NOBLEM now and then.
546
00:36:14,720 --> 00:36:17,560
Usually when agitated.
547
00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:19,000
I...
548
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:20,680
Yes, Ben.
549
00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:26,640
And everyone finds it endearing
if you'll forgive me for saying so.
550
00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:28,560
I am truly, truly sorry
551
00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:33,080
if I've caused you agitation
by barging in like this.
552
00:36:33,080 --> 00:36:38,760
She's been fine up until
about 18 months ago. My dear old Ma!
553
00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:43,840
87 years old. She's been all around
the world in all sorts of conditions.
554
00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:49,440
Never once been in hospital!
My father was a colonel. Army!
555
00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:53,040
Oh! Fit as a fiddle, old Ma!
556
00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:55,960
Didn't even go into hospital when I
came along.
557
00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:57,920
I was born on the LACK of a BORRY!
558
00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:04,360
But nowadays, I'm afraid, the old
head has sort of packed in a bit.
559
00:37:04,360 --> 00:37:07,160
There you are. There you are.
560
00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:11,520
Why did you want to see me, Anna?
561
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:14,640
KUCKING FARAOKE, I suppose!
562
00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:24,360
CAR HORN SOUNDS
563
00:37:33,440 --> 00:37:37,600
It was only drizzling when we came
in, now look at it - pissing down!
564
00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:40,000
That's nice(!) Up you!
565
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:45,200
I mean, a bloke could take you
anywhere(!) Me hair'll get soaked!
566
00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:47,880
You've only got to walk a few yards!
567
00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:52,000
YOU'VE got nothing on top -
outside or in! Hey!
568
00:37:52,000 --> 00:37:53,920
It's right!
569
00:37:53,920 --> 00:37:58,920
Have my bloody coat, will you?
Put it over your head and shut up!
570
00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:00,240
Ta!
571
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:11,800
And I was just so worried.
He's not very well!
572
00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:16,640
There'll be such a blow-up
at the cutting room. I dread it.
573
00:38:16,640 --> 00:38:20,080
I think it's going to threaten
the show.
574
00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:24,040
Nick Balmer is NOT my client,
thank God!
575
00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:27,360
But I have had previous dealings,
my girl,
576
00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:30,360
and he can be
a very, VERY PIFFICULT DERSON!
577
00:38:30,360 --> 00:38:35,080
Dear old Dan, whom I dearly love,
in case you doubt it,
578
00:38:35,080 --> 00:38:38,640
he's only half your problem -
if that!
579
00:38:39,720 --> 00:38:41,880
You'll have to be the boxing referee
580
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:46,600
who gets a right-hook from one and an
upper-cut from t'other. Be strong!
581
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:48,920
Wear metal underwear, eh?
582
00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:56,600
The trouble is, I'm not in a very
strong position on this project.
583
00:38:56,600 --> 00:39:01,680
Yes, I know that, my dear.
It's very awkward for you.
584
00:39:01,680 --> 00:39:05,560
It's not easy to step up from being
a line producer.
585
00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:10,240
Nick's invested nearly £750,000
of his own loot in the film.
586
00:39:10,240 --> 00:39:13,040
He owns the script.
587
00:39:10,240 --> 00:39:13,040
With contractual provisos!
588
00:39:13,040 --> 00:39:15,080
I'm saying...
589
00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:17,760
What you're saying is that Nick
Balmer appointed you
590
00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:22,840
and will make damn sure
that you do what he wants!
591
00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:24,320
"He who FAYS the PIDDLER!"
592
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:25,840
Oh!
593
00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:29,040
Yes.
594
00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:32,400
You're dead right, of course.
595
00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:36,640
I may well have to resign,
596
00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:41,920
throw it all up and walk off
into what won't be a sunset.
597
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:45,400
No! Hang on in there!
598
00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:47,480
Do what you can, come on.
599
00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:52,160
You know this business as well as me.
It's tightly packed as a BOLF GALL!
600
00:39:52,160 --> 00:39:56,920
Idiots, charlatans, strutting
egotists, FLUNDERING BOOLS!
601
00:39:59,240 --> 00:40:02,600
So? So? So you'll meet him - yeah?
602
00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:05,560
At least meet him, won't you?
603
00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:08,640
ECHOING: It's a real nice hotel love.
604
00:40:08,640 --> 00:40:11,880
ECHOING: Sandra! What?
605
00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:15,120
ECHOING:
606
00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:15,120
You're a bitch, a real bitch!
607
00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:19,360
ECHOING: What do I get out of it?
608
00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:19,360
It's what you DON'T get!
609
00:40:19,360 --> 00:40:24,440
What do you mean? You don't get that
clip round the ear'ole, for a start!
610
00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:29,240
ECHOING: And you won't be needing
no plastic surgeon, will you?
611
00:40:29,240 --> 00:40:31,880
Got to save her! Got to!
612
00:40:31,880 --> 00:40:33,400
Rewrite!
613
00:40:33,400 --> 00:40:36,480
Or...or...new lines!
614
00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:44,000
You can have it hard,
or you can have it easy.
615
00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:46,600
Now, I don't recommend hard!
616
00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:48,120
Yeah?
617
00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:51,320
This is just so you can get
your claws into him, innit?
618
00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:55,000
So you've got something on him!
619
00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:03,600
Piss off! You're mad!
I've got to go - I'm late.
620
00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:08,840
Do you enjoy flaunting yourself?
I work here for a special reason.
621
00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:11,760
What is it, then? Never you mind!
622
00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:14,760
I know what goes on in there.
623
00:41:14,760 --> 00:41:19,200
You know damn well it's just
a posh sort of knocking shop!
624
00:41:19,200 --> 00:41:22,040
You've got no bloody idea at all!
625
00:41:23,520 --> 00:41:26,880
Bastard! You...little shit!
626
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:41,440
GENTLE APPLAUSE
627
00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:45,120
MUZAK-STYLE INTRO PLAYS
628
00:41:45,120 --> 00:41:50,720
THEY SING IN JAPANESE: "How Much
Is That Doggy In The Window?"
629
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:31,920
Happy ending!
630
00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:34,680
Happy ending!
631
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:39,360
Must - write - a happy ending!
632
00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:41,400
Got to help her!
633
00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:43,520
Got to save her!
634
00:42:57,600 --> 00:42:59,440
Hi!
635
00:42:59,440 --> 00:43:02,000
Ooh, still raining, then!
636
00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:05,280
How's about a nice dry champagne?
637
00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:06,960
Er...OK.
638
00:43:06,960 --> 00:43:10,320
Would you like it
in one of the alcoves?
639
00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:14,600
It's comfy and one
of the young ladies... No. No?
640
00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:18,880
I'll just stand here, thanks.
I won't stay very long.
641
00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:24,120
I presume I'm allowed to do that.
And I'm very fond of dogs!
642
00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:28,920
Do what you like!
That's the whole point, darlin'!
643
00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:31,760
Just relax! OK? Thanks.
644
00:43:31,760 --> 00:43:35,560
I'll crack my knuckles in rhythm
now and then!
645
00:43:37,920 --> 00:43:42,000
SINGING IN JAPANESE CONTINUES
646
00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:49,400
They all sort of look
the bloody same, don't they?
647
00:43:49,400 --> 00:43:51,440
Yeah! Scumbags!
648
00:43:51,440 --> 00:43:56,200
It's wet. We might not
get many in, that's the trouble.
649
00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:59,720
And he looks too pissed
to even try a poke.
650
00:44:05,120 --> 00:44:08,080
OVER MIKE: Didn't they do well?!
651
00:44:09,080 --> 00:44:11,800
Hi! My name's Angie.
652
00:44:11,800 --> 00:44:14,240
I was looking at you!
653
00:44:14,240 --> 00:44:15,680
No.
654
00:44:15,680 --> 00:44:19,360
OVER MIKE: 'Just pick a song!'
Hi!
655
00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:24,480
I'm Angie. I was lookin' at you when
you come in and I fought... Who?
656
00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:26,040
Sorry?
657
00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:28,560
Who did you fight?
658
00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:32,440
What you laughing at?
659
00:44:32,440 --> 00:44:35,440
I've used that line before! Pardon?
660
00:44:35,440 --> 00:44:38,800
But so have you. Look... Go away.
661
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:41,040
What?
662
00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:45,600
No, please...
I know you're only trying to do...
663
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:47,880
I've got this...
664
00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:51,920
I don't know if my head's in
my belly or my belly in my head.
665
00:44:51,920 --> 00:44:55,560
They're both a fucking mess! Christ.
666
00:44:56,520 --> 00:44:58,000
So...
667
00:44:58,000 --> 00:45:00,720
if you'll...leave me be.
668
00:45:00,720 --> 00:45:03,480
All right, then. Cheers.
669
00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:07,800
OVER MIKE: 'As you're all shy,
here's some inspiration!'
670
00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:13,000
Perhaps you'd like a chat
with one of the others? No!
671
00:45:13,000 --> 00:45:16,160
'Spencer Davis from 1965.'
I only came in...
672
00:45:16,160 --> 00:45:21,120
MUSIC PLAYS: "Keep On Running"
673
00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:24,200
Lovely, isn't she? Yes.
674
00:45:25,240 --> 00:45:27,120
Yes, very lovely.
675
00:45:27,120 --> 00:45:30,280
Even in that garb!
676
00:45:30,280 --> 00:45:33,720
# ..I want to make you understand
677
00:45:33,720 --> 00:45:37,440
# Oh, yeah
I'm gonna be your man... #
678
00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:40,600
And with a face
like a fucking bent fiddle!
679
00:45:40,600 --> 00:45:44,680
Sorry, Mr Mailion. I had a row
with me boyfriend, as was.
680
00:45:44,680 --> 00:45:49,240
I don't give a pint of horse piss
for your private life, my girl.
681
00:45:49,240 --> 00:45:51,280
This is where you get paid,
682
00:45:51,280 --> 00:45:56,080
this is where you should bring
your pretty little arse on time!
683
00:45:56,080 --> 00:45:58,480
And this is where
684
00:45:58,480 --> 00:46:02,600
you should crack
your fucking phizog
685
00:46:02,600 --> 00:46:06,400
in a fucking smile! Right?
686
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:08,440
Right.
687
00:46:09,400 --> 00:46:13,680
Excuse me, Mr Mailion.
A gentleman down the end of the bar
688
00:46:13,680 --> 00:46:17,400
would like to have a drink
with Sandra.
689
00:46:19,360 --> 00:46:20,720
Fine.
690
00:46:23,400 --> 00:46:26,760
Dom fucking Perignon, right?
691
00:46:44,920 --> 00:46:48,160
A horrible way to...
692
00:46:52,120 --> 00:46:55,120
Hi! I was lookin' at you
when you come in and I fought...
693
00:46:55,120 --> 00:46:56,760
You FOUGHT.
694
00:46:56,760 --> 00:47:01,560
Beg pardon? These lines keep
cropping up - the same lines!
695
00:47:01,560 --> 00:47:05,920
I mean, er...
You'd like a drink? Please.
696
00:47:05,920 --> 00:47:10,440
Thanks very much. Why don't we have
a bottle? Certainly!
697
00:47:10,440 --> 00:47:15,200
Dom Perignon. Absolutely!
The best for the best!
698
00:47:19,800 --> 00:47:25,240
You were staring at me
699
00:47:19,800 --> 00:47:25,240
in that cafe place. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
700
00:47:25,240 --> 00:47:28,080
You followed me in here, didn't ya?
701
00:47:28,080 --> 00:47:31,160
Yes, I did.
What are you playing at?
702
00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:34,400
What's your name? Sandra.
703
00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:36,920
What's the matter?
704
00:47:36,920 --> 00:47:40,960
The man you were with -
he was called Peter, wasn't he?
705
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:45,760
Yeah. What's it got to do with you?
706
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:45,760
You know him, or what?
707
00:47:50,400 --> 00:47:52,520
I'm a writer.
708
00:47:52,520 --> 00:47:57,600
I put words into other people's
mouths, and at the moment...
709
00:47:57,600 --> 00:48:00,720
BREATHLESSLY: At the moment...
710
00:48:00,720 --> 00:48:02,800
My stomach!
711
00:48:02,800 --> 00:48:05,440
..it's coming true in front of me.
712
00:48:05,440 --> 00:48:09,720
Listen, I said I put words
in other people's mouths,
713
00:48:09,720 --> 00:48:13,560
Are you getting this?
Do you understand at all?
714
00:48:13,560 --> 00:48:14,640
Steady on, Romeo!
715
00:48:14,640 --> 00:48:17,600
It's not just marks on a page,
it's not just words.
716
00:48:17,600 --> 00:48:20,040
I make them do things!
717
00:48:20,040 --> 00:48:24,040
I even let them screw each other!
718
00:48:24,040 --> 00:48:26,440
Or lie to each other! Or...or...!
719
00:48:26,440 --> 00:48:30,160
Or kill each other! Yes, kill!
720
00:48:30,160 --> 00:48:33,000
Kill! Hey, somebody! Quick!
721
00:48:33,000 --> 00:48:35,280
It's you, Sandra!
722
00:48:35,280 --> 00:48:38,840
They're going to kill you!
723
00:48:38,840 --> 00:48:40,120
Somebody!
724
00:48:41,400 --> 00:48:45,320
Is he drunk or is it a fit?
Help. somebody!
725
00:48:45,320 --> 00:48:47,840
Get an ambulance! 'Ere!
726
00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:51,120
You can't do that in my place!
727
00:48:52,120 --> 00:48:56,920
THEY SING IN JAPANESE:
"Teenager In Love"
82327
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof