Original subtitles

Hands like ham hocks.

Big as a mountain meter and a rattlesnake on the 4th of July.

He doesn't finish squashing and look at you.

There's only two ways about it.

The only thing old Benny Brutalis ever gave a rip about besides his prize hog,

Bessie, was Norma Lou.

One and only. Loved his life.

Oh, Benny, your hands are so big.

I want you so bad, Benny.

um um

um um

Well, what's there saying you're not?

All these girls' names on you, but not mine.

I don't think there's even no spot left for mine.

Oh, there's a spot left.

I've been saving the softest spot of all for my one true heart.

It's the spot that none of those other bitches could ever touch.

Oh, Benny.

himself a death wish of biblical proportions.

I can't fancy that he much wanted this particular assignment neither.

But there he was, face first with Benny's floppy sausage about to go where

man had gone before.

And all for the sake of love.

And then it happened.

There's three things you don't mess with in this world.

A man's woman, a man's tat, and a man's man -tivity.

And one wrong move, old Dale messed with all three at once.

I hear what you're saying.

But that ain't the hardest tale I ever heard.

Please, what could be harder than that?

I saw her only once.

But it was enough.

She had this hair low down like satin

on the bed of a sultan.

And she had this old Greek name like she was from another time

or something.

Hmm.

She was like a fable.

The kind that are best told when the lights are low.

When the moon is in the cool.

Yeah. They called her Persephone.

She was the toughest.

bitch I ever saw.

Hmm.

Well, as close as I could get to seeing her, that is.

Now, as close as anyone ever got.

Without getting burned.

Never judge a letter by its envelope.

You know, you wouldn't know by looking at her. But this mama could out -drink,

out -muscle, and out -screw the baddest outlaws from here to Colorado and come

back for seconds without even breaking a sweat.

Suffice to say, the only thing for Stephanie Snittlefitch... Snittlefitch?

What kind of... Ah!

Who'd you hit me for?

The only thing Persephone Sniddlefitch couldn't get away with was dairy.

Oh, she was lactose intolerant, something powerful.

As anyone trying to slip her a shot of cow juice would find out, insane.

I tell you, last night down at the Bone Alley, Bubba, there was this girl. She

was beautiful.

She had herself some...

It's on her now. Look, damn.

What you doing here, college girl?

Daddy's BMW break down on you?

What can I get you, darling?

Soy milk, unsweetened.

To go.

Soy what now?

Soy milk.

Great, we don't serve no Chinese food here, darling. Just road stuff.

Chicken fried chicken, chicken fried chops, and chicken fried steak.

Just forget the food. Can I have coffee black?

Sure can, darling. You want pie with that?

I guess with a chicken fry.

My thanks.

Pardon me, ma 'am.

Me and my buddies here were wondering where you got such... Such pretty hair.

You know what?

Let me just show you.

Whoa, whoa.

Did you put...

cream in this coffee?

I sure did. Is there a problem there, honeybee? Oh, honeybee giraffe.

I'm gonna kill you, bitch!

I'm gonna kill you!

I'm gonna kill you!

Persephone had this.

Really short fuse.

When it came to getting what she wanted, she would ask once, polite -like, but

if she had to ask twice... I'm going to

tell my wife I love her.

Outside diner just south of Houston, Miss Schnittlefitch run amok,

local townsfolk in a brawl gone bad.

I have with me the owner of the diner, Mom Callahan.

Mom Callahan, can you tell me what made Miss Schnittlefitch go crazy?

Something about some soy sauce or something.

Soy sauce?

Yeah, she wanted a tall glass of it, and when I wouldn't give it to her, she

just up and went all kerplooey on us, Chuck.

Actually, my name is William.

Sure it is.

But for what I'm about to say, Chuck sounds better.

Which is?

Hey Chuck, you wanna fuck?

Back to you, Cornelia.

Oh, mommy.

Oh,

mommy. Oh, mommy.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh,

yeah. You like that?

Where are you hiding that from?

Come on.

Huh? Yeah, take a look.

Yeah.

Nice.

Time to replace those windows.

I know, honey.

Come on, Mama.

Show Daddy what you got.

You like that?

Dirty cock, huh?

Very bad cock. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, spankable.

That's it. Yeah, spankable.

There you go.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, mama.

Oh, mama.

Oh.

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

Stroke that cock. Oh, God.

Oh, mama.

You're about good enough to make the one end move. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You like that?

Thank you.

was not on the menu.

Welcome here any time, honey.

Well, I had to get this section here somewhere.

What kind of flick you think this is?

This ain't no decorating show.

You're nuts.

I just wish you had told me it was going to be one of these stream -of

-consciousness, LSD -influenced porno flicks instead of leading me on like it

was a biker flick. I mean, I got better things to do, you know.

Sorry.

Here.

Have a lollipop.

Thanks.

Don't make a demon.

Mmm, cherry.

So, tell me how this girl got to be this way. What was it?

Environment, DNA, what?

Ah, yes.

Nature versus nurture.

The age -old question.

Well, it seems old P had a bit of a turning of the worm about her 18th

while she was still living with her mom and her mom's boyfriend.

Carlos. Come on, darling. You've got that tofu frosting that you like and

everything. Make your wish.

I don't know what to wish for.

How about health and happiness?

That's what the Dalai Lama would do.

Oh, you and your Dalai Lama.

Oh,

now be a good girl, honey. Come on, blow out the candles.

All right.

Man, she's 18 now. Show her some respect.

Well, that cake's not eating itself.

All right, honey, what'd you wish for?

I wish that the two of you would live happily

ever after.

Why is that sweet?

All right, so what do you say we dig into this cake?

That was about the time old P started thinking about finding a way out of that

cuckoo's nest.

By any means necessary.

No!

I'm sorry.

Oh, God, man.

Ugh.

Fuck yeah.

She's really a beaut now, ain't she?

She's my pride and joy.

I don't know what I'd do if somebody up in Uganda was my dearly beloved.

Kind of like losing a child or something.

Kind of how your mom would feel if you just up and left for no good reason.

It's not like I don't have a good reason, Carlos, okay?

Well, sure you do.

Want to go for a ride and tell me?

You sure are dressed for it.

Sure is a pretty night, huh?

Yeah, whatever.

You know, the Dalai Lama talks about how most human suffering comes from wanting

and wishing to what you don't have instead of appreciating what you do.

Like them stars up there.

To me, that's all the beauty I could ever ask for.

Right up over me.

Free for the asking, and all you gotta do is look.

This kind of thinking comes in pretty handy as you get older, and things like

this turn out less and less like you wish they would.

Older? Carlos, what do you mean? You're two years older than me.

It's not like you're my dad or something.

Well, just because I ain't got the title, don't mean I don't care.

You take care of yourself out there, P.

Life's going to go on whether you go out and join a circus or not.

So you just take care of yourself out there, P.

Aw.

Thanks, Carlos.

You know, you're not really such a bad guy.

You eat like a pig.

But you're not such a bad guy.

Just so you know.

Aw.

Thanks.

That means oceans to me, babe.

But you know, we better get out of here before Mom calls the cops. or something.

At one point, I think we ran off to Vegas and eloped or nothing.

Yeah, no, we wouldn't want that, no, would we?

Mm -mm.

Wow, you, uh, want me to make you cum or something?

All right.

Yes.

Thank you.

which is the thing.

What the... Mom?

And

with that,

old... P got the freedom she was hoping for, but not at all how she was hoping

to be.

And that was that.

She's been running ever since.

Where is she going?

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

The cops are here.

That's it?

That's the end of the story?

That's not hard.

That's not hard. This is weird.

No, it ain't the end of the story, you jack -in -the -crack.

We're almost out of tape.

Well, if they don't get one more aspect in here before they finish this sucker

up. That pig -eating fool behind the camera there ain't going to have enough

footage to finish his here picture show.

So what's she going to do?

What's she going to do?

Do something and then make her get away?

I could live with that.

Sounds pretty good here.

Okay.

What happens now?

Well, I guess everyone has to go out and pick up episode number two to find out.

Cop out.

Oh, come on.

There's something to look forward to.

Here. Make you feel better? Have another lollipop.

Now say goodnight, Herman.

Goodnight, Herman.

You want to grab a burger or something?

Yeah, that sounds good.