All language subtitles for Blackadder (1982) - S01E02 - Plan B Corporal Punishment.eng.sdh

Ready, march!

[DRUMROLL]

Eyes… right!

Eyes, right!

[DING]

You'd like to book a table
for three by the window

for 9:30 p.m., not too near the band,

in the name of Obel-Ointment Fungentula?

Yes, yes, I think you might
have the wrong number.

That's all right.

Another crossed line, eh, sir?

That phone system is a shambles,

no wonder we haven't had any orders!

On the contrary, George,
we've had plenty of orders.

We have orders for six meters

of Hungarian crushed
velvet curtain material,

four rock salmon and a ha'pence of chips,

and a cab for a Mr. Redgrave,

picking up from 14
Arnost Grove, Raintop Bell.

Rather!
We don't want those sort of orders,

we want orders to deck old glory.

When are we going to give
Fritz a taste of our British spunk?

George, please.

No one is more anxious
to advance than I am,

but until I get these
communication problems sorted out,

I'm afraid we're stuck.

[RINGING]

Captain Blackadder speaking.

No, I'm afraid the
line's very [IMITATES STATIC]

Hello? Hello, Captain Blackadder, hello?

[CRINKLING NOISE]

Schnell, schnell, die koppeltop

I said there's a terrible line at my end.

You're to advance on the enemy at once.

[IMITATES DEAD LINE]

♪ A wandering minstrel eye in the… ♪

[RADIO NOISES]

[DIFFERENT VOICE] Gale Force Eight…
imminent.

I say, sir, what's the message?

I'm on tenterhooks, do tell!

Well, as far as I can
tell, the message was,

he's got a terrible lion up his end,

so there's an advantage
to an enema at once.

Damn!

Message from HQ, sir.

Ah, now, this'll be it.

A telegram ordering an advance!

Hmm, yes, I'm afraid not, George.

It is a telegram, it is
ordering an advance,

but it seems to be addressed to
someone called "Cat-pain Blackudder."

Do you know a Cat-pain Blackudder, George?

Well, it rings a bell, but I… no.

-Nope, me neither.
-Oh, well.

Anyway, George, I'm sure if they
want to contact us, they'll find a way.

Pigeons, sir!
There's a pigeon in our trench!

Ah, now, this'll be it!

Yes, it's one of the
King's carrier pigeons.

No, it isn't, that pigeon
couldn't carry the King!

Hasn't got a tray or anything.

Lieutenant, revolver, please.

Oh now, sir, you really
shouldn't do this, you know!

Come on, George, with 50,
000 men getting killed a week,

who's going to miss a pigeon?

Well, not you, obviously, sir.

In any case, it's scarcely
a court-martial offense.

Get plucking, Baldrick.

All right, sir.

Look, it's got a little
ring 'round its leg,

there's a novelty!

Oh, really, is there a paper hat, as well?

No, but there's a joke. Read it out, sir.

It's a bit charred.

Something-something at once…

PS, due to communication crisis,

the shooting of carrier pigeons
is now a court-martial offense.

I don't see what's funny about that, sir.

It's not funny, it's deadly serious.
We're in trouble.

So I shall eat the evidence for lunch,

and if anyone asks
you any questions at all,

we didn't receive any messages

and we definitely did not shoot
this plump-breasted pigeon.

Um… de-licious.

MELCHETT: Aye! Blackadder!

DARLING: Attention!

And why, Captain, are you not advancing

across No Man's Land?

Well, sir, call me a
bluffo traditionalist,

but I was always taught to wait

for the order to attack before attacking.

Are you trying to tell me you
haven't received any orders?

What the hell are you playing at, Darling?

That's a blatant lie, sir.

I spoke to Blackadder
less than an hour ago.

Yes, you did.

To tell me some gobbledygook
about having a lion up your bottom.

Hmm, as I thought…
it's the old communications problem again.

Stand easy.

Action on this is imperative.
Take that down, Darling.

Also, make a note of
the word gobbledygook.

I like it.

I want to use it more
often in conversation.

I must say, sir, I find
this all very unlikely.

Not only did I telephone Blackadder,

but as you'll recall, we sent him
a telegram and a carrier pigeon.

Did you?

Are you telling us you haven't
had a pigeon, Blackadder?

-Um… Ahh…
-Come on man, you must have done!

I sent our top bird: Speckled Jim.

My own true love, who's been
with me since I was a nipper!

To business.
I'm giving you your order to advance now.

Synchronize watches, gentlemen.

Private, what is the time?

We didn't receive any messages,

and Captain Blackadder definitely did not

shoot this delicious
plump-breasted pigeon, sir.

What?!

You want to be cremated,
Baldrick, or buried at sea?

Um…

-Ah, Lieutenant?
-Sir.

Do you mind answering
a couple of questions?

Not at all, sir.

We didn't get any messages,

and Captain Blackadder
definitely did not shoot

this delicious plump-breasted pigeon.

Thanks, George.

And look, sir, pigeon feathers…
White feathers.

Very apt, eh, Blackadder?

White feathers?

Oh no, sir, that's gobbleyjook.

They're not white,
they're sort of speckly.

Speckly?!

[SCREAMS]

You shot my Speckled Jim?!

You're for it now, Blackadder.

Quite frankly, sir, I've
suspected this for some time.

Quite clearly, Captain Blackadder
has been disobeying orders

with a breathtaking impertinence.

I don't care if he's been
rogering the Duke of York

with a prize-winning leek!

He shot my pigeon!

[STILTED SCREAMING]

Take it easy, sir.

I think we should do
this by the book, sir.

Yes, yes, you're right, of course.
I'm sorry.

Attention!

Captain Blackadder, as of this moment

you may consider yourself under arrest.

You know what the penalty is
for disobeying orders, Blackadder?

Um… court-martial,

followed by immediate
cessation of chocolate rations?

No.

Court-martial followed by
immediate death by firing squad.

Oh, so I got it half right.

All saddled in and
happy, are we then, sir?

Reining all our last goodbyes?

Oh, no need for that, Perkins,

I've just dashed off a couple of notes,

one asking for a sponge bag,
and the other sending for my lawyer.

Oh, your lawyer, yes.

Don't you think that might be
a bit of a waste of money, sir?

Not when he's the finest
mind in English legal history.

Ever heard of Bob Massingbird?

Oh, yes indeed, sir!
A most gifted gentleman!

Quite.
I remember Massingbird's most famous case,

the Case of the Bloody Knife.

A man was found next to a murdered body,

he had the knife in his hand,

thirteen witnesses had
seen him stab the victim,

and when the police arrived he said,

"I'm glad I killed the bastard."

Massingbird not only got him off,

he got him knighted in
the New Year's honors list,

and the relatives of the victim

had to pay to have the
blood washed out of his jacket.

And he's a dab hand at
the prosecution, as well, sir.

Yes, well, look at Oscar Wilde.

Oh, butch Oscar.

Exactly…
big, bearded, bonking, butch Oscar,

the terror of the ladies.

114 illegitimate children, world
heavyweight boxing champion,

and author of the best-selling pamphlet,

"Why I Like To Do it With Girls,"

and Massingbird had him
sent down for being a whoopsie.

Ah, Baldrick.

-Anything from Massingbird yet?
-Yes, sir.

It just arrived, sir.

-What is it?
-Sponge bag, sir.

-A sponge bag?
-Yes, sir.

Baldrick, I gave you two notes.

You sent the note asking for a sponge bag

to the finest mind in
English legal history.

Certainly did, sir!

And you sent the note
requesting legal representation to…

Well, tally-ho, with a Bing and
a bong and a buzz-buzz-buzz!

Oh, God I'll tell you first of all, sir,

that I am deeply, deeply honored.

Baldrick, I'll deal with you later.

Am I to understand that
you are going to represent me

at the court-martial?

Absolutely, sir.
It's a sort of family tradition.

My uncle's a lawyer, you know.

Your uncle's a lawyer, but you're not.

Oh, good Lord, no.

I'm an absolute duffer
at this sort of thing.

In the school debating society,

I was voted the boy least likely

-to complete a coherent… um…
-Sentence?

That's it, yes.

But anyway, my dear old
friend, it's an honor to serve.

George, I'm in deep trouble here.

I need to construct a case

that's as watertight as
a mermaid's brassiere.

I'm not sure your particular
brand of mindless optimism

is going to contribute
much to the proceedings.

That's a shame, sir,
because I was planning

on playing the mindless optimism
card very strongly during your trial.

I beg your pardon?

Yes, I've already

planned my closing address
based on that very theme.

"Oh, go on, let him
off, Your Honor, please!

"After all, it's a lovely day."

"Pretty clouds, trees, birds, et cetera."

I rest my case."

So, Counsel, with that summing up in mind,

what do you think my chances are?

Well, not all that good, I'm afraid,

as far as I can tell, you're as guilty
as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.

Charming.

Crikey! So sorry I'm late, my love.

But anyway, let me open
my defense straightaway

by saying that I've known
this man for three years,

he's an absolutely corking chap…

-George?
-Yes, sir?

-That's the clerk of the court.
-Is it? Oh!

We haven't started yet.

-Good luck, Blackadder.
-Well, thank you, Darling.

And what's your big job here today?

Straightening chairs?

No, in fact I'm appearing
for the prosecution.

I wouldn't raise your hopes too much.

You're guilty as hell,
you haven't got a chance.

Why, thank you, Darling.

And I hope your mother dies
in a freak yachting accident.

Just doing my job, Blackadder.

Obeying orders, and, of course,
having enormous fun into the bargain.

I wouldn't be too confident if I were you.

Any reasonably impartial
judge is bound to let me off.

Well, absolutely.

Who is the judge, by the way?

MELCHETT: Bailiff!

I'm dead.

Well, come on, then. Come on.

We'll get this over in five minutes,

and then we can have a spot of lunch.

Right.. Oohh… ahhh.

The court is now in session,

General Sir Anthony Cecil
Hogmenay Melchett in the chair.

The case before us Is that of the
Crown vs. Captain Edmund Blackadder…

The Flanders pigeon murderer!

Oh, clerk, hand me the
black cap, I'll be needing that.

I love a fair trial.

Anything to say before we
kick off, Captain Darling?

May it please the court.

As this is clearly an open and shut case,

I beg leave to bring a private
prosecution against the defense counsel

for wasting the court's time.

Granted. The defense counsel
is fined fifty pounds for turning up.

This is fun!
This is just like a real court!

All right! Let the trial begin!

The charge before us

is that the Flanders pigeon murderer…
did deliberately,

callously, and with
beastliness aforethought

murder a lovely, innocent pigeon!

And disobeyed some orders as well.

Is this true?

Perfectly true, sir! I was there.

Thanks, George.

Oh, damn!

Right.
Counsel for the defense, get on with it.

Oh, right, yes, right.

Um, yes.
I'd like to call my first witness,

Captain Darling.

You wish to call the
counsel for the prosecution

as a defense witness?

That's right.

Don't worry, sir, I've
got it all under control.

[CLEARS THROAT] You are
Captain Darling of the general staff?

I am.

Captain, leaving aside
the incident in question,

would you think of Captain
Blackadder as the sort of man

who would usually ignore orders?

Yes, I would.

Ah, um. You sure?

I was rather banking
on you saying "no" there.

I'm sure.

In fact, I have a list of
other orders he's disobeyed,

if it would be useful.

Mm-hmm.

May 16th, 9:15 a.m.,
10:23 a.m., 10:24 a.m.,

-11:17 a.m…
-You missed one out there.

10:30 a.m… thank you… 11:46 a.m…

-George!
-Oh, oh, ye… ye… right.

Thank you, Captain.

No further questions.

Well done, George.

You really had him on the ropes.

Don't worry, old man.

I have a last and, I think
you'll find, decisive witness.

Call Private Baldrick.

BAILIFF: Call Private Baldrick.

Deny everything, Baldrick.

Are you Private Baldrick?

No!

Um, but you are Captain
Blackadder's batman?

No!

Come on, Baldrick., be
a bit more helpful, it's me!

No, it isn't!

Sir, I must protest!

Quite right!

We don't need your kind here, Private.
Get out.

Now, George, sum up, please.

Oh, right, yes, uh…

Ah, gentlemen,

you have heard all the evidence
presented before you today,

but in the end, it is up to the conscience

of your hearts to decide.

And I firmly believe, that, like me,

you will conclude that Captain Blackadder

is in fact, totally and utterly: guilty.

…of nothing more…

Than trying to do his duty
under difficult circumstances.

Nonsense! He's a hound and a
rutter, and he's going to be shot!

However, before we proceed

to the formality of
sentencing the deceased…

I mean the defendant…
[LAUGHING GLEEFULLY]

I think we'd all rather enjoy
hearing the case of the prosecution.

Captain Darling, if you please.

Sir, my case is very simple.

I call my first witness,

General Sir Anthony
Cecil Hogmaney Melchett.

Ah! Umm!

Clever. Clever!

General, did you own a
lovely, plump, speckly pigeon

called Speckled Jim, which
you hand-reared from a chick

and which was your only childhood friend?

[CRYING] Yes!

[CALMER] Yes, I did.

And did Captain Blackadder
shoot the aforementioned pigeon?

Yes, he did!

[SHOUTING] Can you see Captain Blackadder

anywhere in this courtroom?!

That's him!

That's the man! Ahhhh!

No more questions, sir.

Splendid, excellent, first-class.

Clear the way, man.

I therefore have absolutely no hesitation

in announcing that the
sentence of this court is that you,

Captain Edmund Blackadder,

be taken from this place and suffer death

by shooting tomorrow at dawn.

Do you have anything to say?

Yes, could I have an alarm call, please?

Chap here to see the captain.

What does he look like?

-Short, ugly…
-Hello, Baldrick.

I brought you some food, sir,

for your final breakfast tomorrow.

Ah, so you're not pinning much
hope on a last minute reprieve, then.

No sir, you are as dead as some doo-doos.

The expression, Baldrick, is "as a dodo…"

"Dead as a dodo."

Well, I'll leave you to it then, shall I?

Do not despair, sir.

All my talk of food
was just a dead herring.

In fact, I have a cunning plan.

This is not food, but an escape kit.

Good Lord!

With a saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun,

a change of clothes, a Swiss passport,

and a huge false mustache,
I may just stand a chance.

Ah.

Let's see, what have we here?

A small painted wooden duck.

Yeah, I thought if you
get caught near water,

you can balance it on the top of your head

as a brilliant disguise.

Yeeesss.

I would, of course, have to escape first.

Ah, but what's this?

Unless I'm much mistaken,
a hammer and a chisel.

You are much mistaken!

A pencil and a miniature trumpet.

Yes, a pencil so you
can drop me a postcard

to tell me how the breakout went,

and a small little tiny miniature trumpet

in case, during your escape,

you have to win favor
with a difficult child.

Baldrick, I don't want to
spend my last precious hours

rummaging through this feeble
collection of stocking fillers.

Let me ask you some simple questions:

-is there a saw in this bag?
-No.

-A hammer?
-No.

-A chisel?
-No.

-A gun?
-No.

A false passport?

No.

A change of clothes?

Yes sir, of course, I wouldn't
forget a change of clothes.

Ah, well, that's something. Let's see…

A Robin Hood costume.

Yeah, I put in a French
peasant's outfit first,

But then I thought, what if you arrive in

in a French peasant's village

and they're in the middle
of a fancy dress party?'

And what if I arrive in a
French peasant village,

dressed in a Robin Hood costume

and there isn't a fancy dress party?

Well, to be quite frank sir,

I didn't consider that eventuality,

because if you did,
you'd stick out like a…

Like a man standing in a lake

with a small painted
wooden duck on his head?

Exactly!

Excuse me, sir.

All right, um, thank you, Baldrick,

we'll finish this picnic later.

Yum yum!

Do you mind if I disturb
you for a moment, sir?

No, no, not at all.

My diary's pretty empty this week.

Let's see, Thursday morning, get shot…

Yes, that's about it, actually.

It's just there's a few chaps out here

would like a bit of a chinwag.

Oh, lovely.
Always keen to meet new people.

Corporal Jones,

and Privates Frazier,
Robinson, and Tipperwick.

ALL: Hello.

Well, nice of you to drop by.

And what do you do?

We're your firing squad, sir.

Of course you are.

-Good sized chest.
-Shut up, lad.

You see, us firing squads
are a bit like tax men, sir,

everyone hates us,

but we're just doin'
our job, ain't we, lads?

My heart bleeds for you.

Well, sir, we aim to please.

Just a little firing
squad joke there, sir!

You see, sir,

we take pride in the
terminatory service we supply.

So, is there any particular area
you'd like us to go for, hmm?

We can aim anywhere.

Well, in that case,

just above my head might be a good spot.

[ALL LAUGHING]

You see, a laugh and a smile,

and all of a sudden the job doesn't seem

quite so bad after all, does it, sir?

No, it's a lovely roomy forehead.

A good pulse and jugular there as well.

Look, I'm sorry, I know
you mean to be friendly,

but I hope you won't take it
amiss if I ask you to sod off and die.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
fair enough, 'course not, sir.

No one likes being shot first
thing in the morning, do they?

So, look forward to
seeing you tomorrow, sir.

You'll have a blindfold on of course,

but you'll recognize me.

I'm the one that says, "Ready, aim, fire!"

Could I ask you to leave a pause

between the word
"aim" and the word "fire"?

Thirty or forty years, perhaps?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Ah, wish I could pause,
sir, I really wish I could,

but I can't, you see, 'cos
I'm a gabbier, you see.

Ready-aim-fire!

No style, no finesse…

But it gets the job done, don't it, lads?
Come on, lads.

Whoever gets closest to the
mole gets to keep his gold teeth.

-Good night, sir.
-Sleep well, sir.

Perfect!

I wonder if anything on
earth could depress me more?

Excuse me, sir?

Of course it could.

I forgot to give you this letter
from Lieutenant George, sir.

Ahh! Oh, joy!

What wise words from the
world's greatest defense counsel?

"Dear Mother…" Hmm, unusual start.

"Thanks for the case of Scotch."

You've excelled yourself, Baldrick.

You've brought the wrong letter again.

Ohh yeah, he did write two.

Yes, his mother's about to get a note

telling her he's sorry she's
going to be shot in the morning,

while I have to read this drivel.

"Hope Celia thrives
in the pony club trials,"

"and that little Freddy scores
a century for the first eleven."

You can't deny, it's a riveting read.

Uh, "Send my love to Uncle Rupert,"

"who'd have thought it, mad
Uncle Rupert, Minister of War"

"with power of life and death
over every bally soldier in the Army."

Hang on a minute… This is it!

All George has to do
is send him a telegram

and he'll get me off.

Baldrick, I love you!

I want to kiss your cherry lips

and nibble your shell-like ears!

I'm freee!

I'm useless, useless!

Sir, sir!

Hello Private, how's the captain?

He's absolutely fine, sir, but…

You're just trying to cheer me up.
I know the truth.

He hates me because I
completely assed up his defense.

-Yes, I know, sir…
-Because I'm thick, you see.

I'm as thick as the big-print version

of the complete works of Charles Dickens.

If only I could've saved him. If only!

But you can, sir.

What, how?

You send a telegram.

Of course! I send a telegram!

Yeah!

-Who to?
-To the person in the letter.

-What letter?
-To your mother.

I send a telegram to my mother?!

-No!
-No!

You send a telegram to the
person in the letter to your mother.

Who was in the letter to my mother?

I can't remember!

-Well, think, think!
-No, you think, think!

Celia, of course!
The pony club trials… yes!

Celia could leap over the
walls of the prison and save him!

No, no!

No, no, um… cricket!

Yes, I've got Cousin Freddie, of course.

He could knock out the firing
squad with his cricket bat!

No, there's someone else!

-Well, who?!
-I don't know!

-Well, neither do I!
-Well, think, think!

-You think, sir!
-I'm stuck!

-No, it hasn't helped.
-Yes it has, sir.

Your Uncle Rupert who's
just been made Minister of War.

Of course!

Uncle Rupert's just been
made the Minister of War!

Baldrick, I'll, I'll send him a telegram

and he'll pull strings and scratch backs

and fiddle with knobs,
and get the captain off!

Hurray!

Well, I got there in the end, eh Baldrick?

Oh, just about, sir.

I think this calls for a
celebration, don't you?

What about a tot of Old
Morehen's Shredded Sporum,

which Mummsy's just sent over?

I think a toast, don't you,

to Captain Blackadder and freedom!

Captain Blackadder and freedom, sir.

[ROOSTER CROWS]

-'Morning.
-'Morning, sir.

I must say, Captain, I've
got to admire your balls.

Perhaps later.

So boys, how are you doing?

ALL: Very well, good.

-Robinson, good to see you.
-Good to see you, too, sir.

Ah, Corporal, how's the voice?

Excellent, sir.

Ready-aim-fire!

Wait for it, wait for it.

So the phone's on the
hook, isn't it, Perkins?

Oh yes, sir.

So, where do you want me?

Well, up against the
wall is traditional, sir.

Of course it is.

Ah, this side or the other side?

[ALL LAUGH]

No messengers waiting, Perkins?

Oh, I'm afraid not, sir.

Fair enough, fair enough.

All right, lads, line up.

Yes, ah…

Now, look, I think there's
a bit of a misunderstanding,

you see, I was expecting a telegram.

CORPORAL: Attention!

An important one, actually.

Take aim!

BALDRICK: Stop!

I think that's what they
call 'The nick of time'.

Message for you, Captain.

Of course it is. Read it, please.

Eh, "Here's looking at you.

Love from all the
boys in the firing squad."

You soft bastards, you!

I saw the card, I couldn't resist it.

How thoughtful!

Attention!

Now, look, something has
gone spectacularly, badly wrong.

Take aim!

Baldrick, you're mincemeat!

-CORPORAL: Fi…
-Oh, my head!

Oh, my head!

Feels like the time I was initiated into
the Silly Buggers Society at Cambridge.

I misheard the rules

and pushed a whole
aubergine into my earhole.

Permission to die, sir.

Bu… Bu… Bu… What started this drinking?

Oh, yes, well, we were celebrating

getting Captain
Blackadder off Scot-fr… free.

Oh, my sainted trousers, we forgot!

Oh, whoops.

Oh, no!

Now he's dead, you see.
He's dead, dead, dead,

because we're a pair
of selfish so-and-sos!

Oh, God, if I had a rope,

I'd put it around my neck
and bally-well hang myself

until it really hurt.

Hi, George. ' Morning, Baldrick.

Still the striking resemblance
to guppies fish at feeding time.

Yep, it arrived in the nick of time.

Oh, excellent!

Ah, so you've got the Scotch out, anyway?

Oh, well, well, of course, sir,

We wanted to lay on a bit
of a bash for your safe return.

Ah.. Here you go.

There was a second telegram
that arrived actually, George,

addressed to you personally by your uncle.

-Oh, thank you, I…
-"George, my boy,

"outraged to read in dispatches"

"of how that ass Melchett
made such a pigs-ear"

"of your chum Blackadder's court-martial."

"Have reversed the decision forthwith."

Surprised you didn't ask
me to do it yourself, actually."

Now this is interesting, isn't it?

Uh, uh, yes, well, you
see, sir, the thing is…

You two got whammed
last night, didn't you?

Well, well, no, not whammed exactly.

A little tiddly, perhaps.

And you forgot the telegram to your uncle.

Well, no… no… no,

not, not, completely,
I mean, um, partially…

Um… well… Yes, yes, entirely.

I think I can explain, sir.

Can you, Baldrick?

No.

As I suspected.

Now, I'm not a religious man, as you know,

but henceforth, I shall
nightly pray to the God

that killed Cain and squashed Samson,

that he comes out of retirement

and gets back into
practice on the pair of you!

[PHONE RINGING]

Captain Blackadder.

Ah, Captain Darling.

Well, you know, some of us
just have friends in high places,

I suppose.

Yes, I can hear you perfectly.

You want what?

You want two volunteers for
a mission into no-man's-land…

Code name: Operation Certain Death.

Yes, yes, I think I have just the fellows.

[HANGS UP]

God is very quick these days.