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1
00:00:36,047 --> 00:00:38,766
Get out, libidinous swine!
2
00:00:38,967 --> 00:00:42,004
And take that whore slut
painted strumpet with you!
3
00:00:42,207 --> 00:00:45,642
May you both rot
in the filth of your own fornication!
4
00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:50,522
- And what did you say to him?
- Say, Madam? I said nothing.
5
00:00:50,726 --> 00:00:54,036
I pulled up my tights
and jumped out of the privy window.
6
00:00:54,246 --> 00:00:57,363
Edmund, you are so naughty!
7
00:00:57,566 --> 00:00:59,557
Well, I try, Madam.
8
00:00:59,766 --> 00:01:03,917
And then ten minutes later when
I've got my breath back, I try again.
9
00:01:04,125 --> 00:01:07,242
Perhaps we can move on
to more important matters.
10
00:01:07,445 --> 00:01:09,276
- Must we?
- I fear so.
11
00:01:09,485 --> 00:01:13,239
Lord Forest's son has been kidnapped...
12
00:01:13,445 --> 00:01:18,313
...and begs you to pay the ransom.
- Edmund, what would you say?
13
00:01:18,524 --> 00:01:22,483
I have had experience of this dreadful situation.
14
00:01:22,684 --> 00:01:27,519
Last year my aunt asked for my help
in the ransom of my Uncle Osric.
15
00:01:27,724 --> 00:01:30,761
Then you know something
of the dreadful pain involved.
16
00:01:30,964 --> 00:01:35,081
And can suggest no better answer
than the one I gave to her.
17
00:01:35,283 --> 00:01:37,592
- Which was?
- "Get stuffed."
18
00:01:38,603 --> 00:01:40,833
You would jest over a young man's life?
19
00:01:41,043 --> 00:01:43,079
For young man read young idiot.
20
00:01:43,283 --> 00:01:48,232
Anyone stupid enough
to let some mustachioed dago say:
21
00:01:48,443 --> 00:01:51,718
"Excuse me, Meester"
and hit them over the head...
22
00:01:51,922 --> 00:01:55,198
...deserves everything they get.
23
00:01:57,762 --> 00:02:01,038
- You're in good fooling this morning.
- Thank you, Baldrick.
24
00:02:01,242 --> 00:02:04,393
I heard quite an amusing story
myself the other day.
25
00:02:04,602 --> 00:02:06,557
Oh, good!
26
00:02:10,161 --> 00:02:13,915
- Excuse me, Meister.
- Yes, what is it?
27
00:02:16,241 --> 00:02:19,790
I said: "What is it?",
not hit me on the head with...
28
00:02:20,761 --> 00:02:25,231
I've changed my mind about that Forest bloke.
29
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:30,878
He is obviously very stupid,
but we can't punish people for that.
30
00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:37,394
If we did, Nursie would
have been in prison all her life.
31
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,794
A very piquant observation, Majesty.
32
00:02:39,999 --> 00:02:43,674
So I will sign this ransom,
but it must be the last.
33
00:02:43,879 --> 00:02:47,838
Absolutely the last! Final. Full stop.
34
00:02:48,039 --> 00:02:53,352
Never again. Cross my heart and hope to die.
35
00:02:53,559 --> 00:02:59,349
- Surely not 'hope to die', Majesty?
- All right. I'll cross that out.
36
00:03:00,918 --> 00:03:04,877
Here you are. Sorry about the smudge.
37
00:03:06,998 --> 00:03:09,956
- Excuse me, Meister.
- Yes?
38
00:03:13,557 --> 00:03:18,506
Oh, God! What on earth
was I drinking last night?
39
00:03:19,597 --> 00:03:23,749
My head feels like
there's a Frenchman living in it.
40
00:03:27,996 --> 00:03:29,987
Where am I?
41
00:03:30,196 --> 00:03:33,268
- Who's that?
- It is I, Melchett.
42
00:03:33,476 --> 00:03:38,027
You really ought to get your house cleaned up.
43
00:03:38,236 --> 00:03:42,468
This is no time for jokes, Blackadder.
We've been kidnapped!
44
00:03:42,676 --> 00:03:46,554
How incredibly embarrassing!
45
00:03:46,755 --> 00:03:52,864
As private parts to the gods are we!
They play with us for their sport.
46
00:03:54,955 --> 00:03:56,627
Oh, God. Who's that?
47
00:03:59,995 --> 00:04:03,953
If anyone is going to be spoken to,
it is going to be me.
48
00:04:04,154 --> 00:04:06,349
- Tell him, Melchy.
- Certainly.
49
00:04:14,434 --> 00:04:16,390
That's better.
50
00:04:17,433 --> 00:04:20,186
Now, what's he saying?
51
00:04:20,393 --> 00:04:22,623
He would like a word with you.
52
00:04:22,833 --> 00:04:27,429
- Anything else?
- He would like to torture you as well.
53
00:04:28,073 --> 00:04:35,103
Am I addressing a senior dignitary
of the Spanish Inquisition?
54
00:04:36,152 --> 00:04:38,461
Good. Because if I am,
55
00:04:38,672 --> 00:04:44,781
I am prepared to tell you absolutely anything.
56
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:53,267
No speako dago.
57
00:04:53,471 --> 00:04:57,430
I demand to see the British ambassador.
58
00:05:00,191 --> 00:05:03,547
For God's sake! How can you question me...
59
00:05:03,751 --> 00:05:06,708
...when you don't speak English?
60
00:05:09,590 --> 00:05:12,502
All right, let's start with the basics.
61
00:05:12,710 --> 00:05:16,669
English is a non-inflected
Indo-European language...
62
00:05:16,870 --> 00:05:18,428
...derived from dialects of...
63
00:05:20,910 --> 00:05:22,467
How's that!
64
00:05:22,669 --> 00:05:25,137
Percy! Who's Queen?
65
00:05:27,309 --> 00:05:29,504
Whoops! Butterfingers!
66
00:05:30,549 --> 00:05:33,586
- So I win again.
- Yes. Well done, Majesty.
67
00:05:33,789 --> 00:05:36,940
There's definitely been no sign of Edmund?
68
00:05:37,149 --> 00:05:42,176
- I fear not, Ma'am.
- Why, then he has vanished.
69
00:05:43,228 --> 00:05:46,186
Like an old oak table.
70
00:05:49,628 --> 00:05:53,541
Vanished, Lord Percy. Not varnished.
71
00:05:53,748 --> 00:05:58,582
Forgive me, my Lady,
but my uncle's old oak table vanished.
72
00:05:58,787 --> 00:06:01,460
'Twas on the night of the great Stepney fire.
73
00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:03,623
And on that same terrible night...
74
00:06:03,827 --> 00:06:08,184
...his house and all his other things
completely vanished too.
75
00:06:08,387 --> 00:06:13,506
So did he, in fact.
It was a most perplexing mystery.
76
00:06:13,506 --> 00:06:17,745
Lord Percy? It's up to you.
77
00:06:17,946 --> 00:06:22,656
Either you can shut up,
or you can have your head cut off.
78
00:06:34,665 --> 00:06:35,780
I'll shut up.
79
00:06:36,825 --> 00:06:37,905
Bastardo!
80
00:06:40,825 --> 00:06:42,781
Barrister.
81
00:06:42,985 --> 00:06:45,896
- Bastardo.
- Embarrassing.
82
00:06:46,104 --> 00:06:49,062
You're embarrassing. I'm embarrassing.
83
00:06:49,264 --> 00:06:52,859
Rogering! Pregnant.
84
00:06:53,904 --> 00:06:55,656
Baby.
85
00:06:56,704 --> 00:06:58,660
Bathwater!
86
00:06:58,864 --> 00:07:02,822
Sounds like... Bastard.
87
00:07:09,903 --> 00:07:10,743
Donkey!
88
00:07:14,503 --> 00:07:18,290
Big bastard. Little bastard.
89
00:07:19,342 --> 00:07:22,857
Boy, man, father. I'm a bastard's son.
90
00:07:24,702 --> 00:07:27,091
Thirsty. Thirsty bastard.
91
00:07:28,502 --> 00:07:30,936
Thirsty barking bastard.
92
00:07:32,342 --> 00:07:34,571
Oh, dog! Right, dog.
93
00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:37,293
Woman.
94
00:07:37,501 --> 00:07:41,733
Woman, dog. Bitch! I'm a bastard son of a bitch!
95
00:07:46,821 --> 00:07:51,416
In that case, you're a fornicating baboon.
96
00:07:52,660 --> 00:07:56,289
- Que?
- Oh dear!
97
00:07:56,500 --> 00:08:00,459
- You...
- Tu?
98
00:08:00,660 --> 00:08:05,575
Fornicating... Yes. I can't really do it in this box.
99
00:08:07,099 --> 00:08:12,969
- Tus testiculos.
- My... Yes, those...
100
00:08:14,139 --> 00:08:18,098
- Sobre un fuego grande.
- Over a large...
101
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:23,457
Fire! I got it. So, let's recap.
102
00:08:23,658 --> 00:08:25,888
If I admit that I'm in love...
103
00:08:26,098 --> 00:08:26,848
No!
104
00:08:28,058 --> 00:08:34,406
Sorry! Head-over-heels in love
with Satan and all his little wizards,
105
00:08:34,618 --> 00:08:40,931
...you will remove my testicles
with a blunt instrument...
106
00:08:41,137 --> 00:08:44,288
...resembling some kind of gardening tool,
107
00:08:44,497 --> 00:08:49,093
...and roast them over a large fire.
108
00:08:49,297 --> 00:08:55,929
If I don't admit that I'm in love
with Satan and his little wizard...
109
00:08:56,136 --> 00:09:01,893
...you will hold me upside down
in a vat of warm marmelade.
110
00:09:04,776 --> 00:09:09,133
And remove my testicles with a blunt...
111
00:09:10,176 --> 00:09:14,134
Oh, I see! Well, in that case, I love Satan.
112
00:09:17,055 --> 00:09:19,808
Oh, it's a scythe.
113
00:09:24,095 --> 00:09:26,211
I don't know. I've looked everywhere.
114
00:09:29,094 --> 00:09:31,050
Perhaps...
115
00:09:31,254 --> 00:09:35,770
They're not hiding at all!
116
00:09:36,814 --> 00:09:39,647
Perhaps they've been kidnapped!
117
00:09:39,854 --> 00:09:41,526
Nonsense!
118
00:09:41,734 --> 00:09:45,612
Edmund said: "Only real idiots get kidnapped".
119
00:09:45,813 --> 00:09:47,007
Do they?!
120
00:09:48,653 --> 00:09:50,086
Stop!
121
00:09:54,213 --> 00:09:56,408
Forgive me, Herr Blackadder.
122
00:09:56,613 --> 00:09:59,685
I have been neglecting my duties as a host.
123
00:10:01,052 --> 00:10:04,044
Please accept my appoloaggies.
124
00:10:07,052 --> 00:10:12,490
I accept nothing from a man who
imprisons his guests in a commode.
125
00:10:14,412 --> 00:10:19,610
I hope this scum has not incoweenienced you.
126
00:10:19,811 --> 00:10:24,487
It takes more than a maniac
trying to cut off my goolies.
127
00:10:24,691 --> 00:10:30,607
If he had inconweenienced you,
I was going to offer you his tongue.
128
00:10:30,811 --> 00:10:34,723
Believe me, sir. If he had inconweenienced me,
129
00:10:34,930 --> 00:10:37,922
...you would not have a tongue
to make such an offer.
130
00:10:38,130 --> 00:10:43,250
Let me assure you, Blackadder,
if I no longer had a tongue...
131
00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:49,002
...you wouldn't have a tongue to tell me
that if I had inconweenienced you,
132
00:10:49,210 --> 00:10:52,360
I would no longer have a tongue
with which to offer you his tongue.
133
00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:56,528
Yes, well. Enough of this banter.
134
00:10:56,729 --> 00:11:00,039
Who the hell are you, sausage breath?
135
00:11:01,089 --> 00:11:04,877
- You do not remember me?
- I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
136
00:11:05,089 --> 00:11:07,761
On the contrary. We have met many times.
137
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:10,641
You knew me by another name.
138
00:11:10,848 --> 00:11:16,286
Do you recall a mysterious black
marketeer and smuggler called Otto...
139
00:11:16,488 --> 00:11:19,878
...with whom you used to
dine and plot and play...
140
00:11:20,088 --> 00:11:24,239
...at the Old Pizzle in Dover? - My God!
141
00:11:24,447 --> 00:11:27,325
I was the waitress!
142
00:11:29,087 --> 00:11:32,318
I don't believe it! You? Big Sally?
143
00:11:33,887 --> 00:11:37,163
"Will you have another piece of pie, my lord?"
144
00:11:37,367 --> 00:11:41,075
But I went to bed with you, didn't I?
145
00:11:42,126 --> 00:11:46,085
For my country,
I am willing to make any sacrifice.
146
00:11:46,286 --> 00:11:50,245
Yes, but I'm not! I must have been paralytic!
147
00:11:50,446 --> 00:11:53,916
Indeed you were, Mr Floppy!
148
00:11:56,325 --> 00:12:01,877
- Now, would you mind?
- "Such a disappointment for a girl..."
149
00:12:02,085 --> 00:12:08,115
"It really doesn't matter!
We'll try again in a few minutes."
150
00:12:08,325 --> 00:12:12,237
We are proud of our comic
serving-wench voice, aren't we?
151
00:12:12,444 --> 00:12:14,639
Just because we can say zur instead of sir.
152
00:12:14,844 --> 00:12:19,395
The tedious little turd
who keeps putting on amusing voices.
153
00:12:19,604 --> 00:12:22,960
- Be quiet!
- What else in your repertoire?
154
00:12:23,164 --> 00:12:26,156
A brilliant drunk Glaswegian, no doubt.
155
00:12:26,364 --> 00:12:33,155
An hilarious black man:
"Where am dat watty-melon..."
156
00:12:33,363 --> 00:12:36,116
I can't wait for your side-splitting poof...
157
00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:40,396
...and that funny croaky one
who isn't anyone in particular.
158
00:12:40,603 --> 00:12:46,040
I like the one you do all the time.
The fat-headed German chamberpot.
159
00:12:48,522 --> 00:12:50,558
You talk too much, Blackadder.
160
00:12:50,762 --> 00:12:55,233
I think it's a case of werbal diarrhoea
that you are having.
161
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:56,921
I should, perhaps, tell you...
162
00:12:57,122 --> 00:13:00,830
...I have given the Queen a week
to reply to my ransom demand.
163
00:13:01,041 --> 00:13:04,351
Unless she pays up, you die. Howwibly.
164
00:13:04,561 --> 00:13:10,511
She will pay up. And within a week,
you die. Howwibly, howwibly.
165
00:13:10,721 --> 00:13:12,677
You find yourself amusing, Blackadder.
166
00:13:12,881 --> 00:13:14,951
I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.
167
00:13:15,161 --> 00:13:19,836
A week from now you'll be
less in the mood for being amusing.
168
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:22,190
Well, at least I can be amusing.
169
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:26,712
Choose your next witticism carefully,
it may be your last.
170
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:28,797
Guards! Fetch his friend.
171
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:30,956
Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...
172
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:34,117
Oh no, please!
173
00:13:38,479 --> 00:13:41,869
- We meet again.
- Don't think we've had the pleasure.
174
00:13:42,079 --> 00:13:45,708
- You do not recognise me, then?
- No...
175
00:13:45,919 --> 00:13:51,038
Let me refresh your memory.
In Cornwall, at the monastery.
176
00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:55,072
- The old shepherd.
- Good Lord! Dimkins?
177
00:13:55,278 --> 00:13:59,794
Yes! I was one of his sheep.
178
00:13:59,998 --> 00:14:03,354
- One of his sheep? Not Flossy?
- Yes!
179
00:14:03,558 --> 00:14:07,516
- But didn't we?
- Yes, Lord Melchett.
180
00:14:07,717 --> 00:14:11,073
- Baa!
- Oh, my God!
181
00:14:13,117 --> 00:14:16,905
But enough of such pleasant reminiscence, eh?
182
00:14:17,117 --> 00:14:23,715
The guard has found an interesting
document in your clothing.
183
00:14:23,916 --> 00:14:26,384
The Queen will only pay one ransom.
184
00:14:26,596 --> 00:14:31,386
Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again.
185
00:14:31,596 --> 00:14:37,193
Cross my heart and hope to be
spanked until my bottom goes purple.
186
00:14:37,396 --> 00:14:39,386
She has a difficult choice in front of her.
187
00:14:39,595 --> 00:14:44,988
Not really. Bad luck, Melchers.
Life is overrated, I reckon.
188
00:14:45,195 --> 00:14:49,393
Well, gentlemen, if you'll
excuse me, I have work to do.
189
00:14:49,595 --> 00:14:54,544
Evil plots don't
just make themselves, you know.
190
00:14:57,314 --> 00:14:59,953
Dear Qveen.
191
00:15:00,154 --> 00:15:05,990
I, evil Prince Ludvig the Indestructible,
have your two friends,
192
00:15:06,194 --> 00:15:10,107
...and you must shoose between them.
193
00:15:10,314 --> 00:15:13,385
The ransom is one million crona.
194
00:15:13,593 --> 00:15:18,713
Many, many appoloaggies
for the inconweenience.
195
00:15:20,073 --> 00:15:21,791
What a difficult choice!
196
00:15:21,993 --> 00:15:25,827
It isn't the first difficult choice
you've ever made, little tadpole.
197
00:15:26,033 --> 00:15:28,830
In the old days, it was all difficult choices.
198
00:15:29,032 --> 00:15:33,787
Should you have Nursie Milk or Moo Cow Milk?
199
00:15:33,992 --> 00:15:37,951
But then left breasty-dumpling
or right breasty-dumpling?
200
00:15:38,152 --> 00:15:42,145
Of course, it was always
both breasty-dumplings.
201
00:15:42,352 --> 00:15:44,342
Shut up, Nursie!
202
00:15:45,071 --> 00:15:48,620
This is very confusing.
203
00:15:49,671 --> 00:15:53,903
Lord Percy, play a while to calm my spirits.
204
00:15:54,951 --> 00:15:56,942
Certainly, Ma'am.
205
00:15:59,511 --> 00:16:02,946
Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man. You're it!
206
00:16:03,150 --> 00:16:06,222
Ring-a-ring o'rosie, all fall down.
207
00:16:08,430 --> 00:16:12,582
What say you, Blackadder,
I sing a song to keep our spirits up?
208
00:16:12,790 --> 00:16:16,828
That depends on whether you want
the slop-bucket over your head.
209
00:16:17,029 --> 00:16:20,419
Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.
210
00:16:20,629 --> 00:16:24,224
All right. Make a sentence
out of the following words:
211
00:16:24,429 --> 00:16:28,104
Face, sodding, your, shut.
212
00:16:31,109 --> 00:16:37,866
We must do something to relieve
our minds of the fate that awaits us!
213
00:16:38,068 --> 00:16:42,380
Awaits you, Melchy. Not me.
How's my beard looking?
214
00:16:42,588 --> 00:16:45,978
Alas! Shall I never see England more?
215
00:16:46,188 --> 00:16:49,862
Her rolling fields? Her swooping swallows...
216
00:16:50,067 --> 00:16:53,946
And her playful sheep.
217
00:16:55,227 --> 00:16:59,584
- About time.
- Gentlemen, the answer has arrived.
218
00:16:59,787 --> 00:17:06,180
Well, thank God! I'm sick
of this place. It's like a prison in here.
219
00:17:06,386 --> 00:17:07,785
I shall read it to you.
220
00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:11,899
Typical master criminal.
Loves the sound of his own voice.
221
00:17:12,106 --> 00:17:15,655
After careful deliberation
the Queen has decided...
222
00:17:15,866 --> 00:17:17,777
...to extend the ransom money on...
223
00:17:17,986 --> 00:17:21,376
...a big party.
224
00:17:22,425 --> 00:17:26,782
Just impossible
to decide between my two faves.
225
00:17:26,985 --> 00:17:33,697
I've decided to keep the cash,
have a whizzy-jolly time...
226
00:17:33,905 --> 00:17:37,739
...and try to forget both of you.
227
00:17:37,945 --> 00:17:42,620
Hope you're not too miffed. Byeee!
228
00:17:42,824 --> 00:17:43,544
What?!
229
00:17:45,984 --> 00:17:48,817
"Hope you're not too miffed. Byeee!"
230
00:17:49,864 --> 00:17:53,459
As you can imagine,
this makes me very unhappy.
231
00:17:53,664 --> 00:17:56,131
Oh, I am sorry!
232
00:17:56,343 --> 00:18:01,781
But if you gentlemen were to tell me
a way to gain access to your Queen,
233
00:18:01,983 --> 00:18:05,737
...I might just be able to commute
your death to a life sentence.
234
00:18:05,943 --> 00:18:11,414
- Are you suggesting we betray her?
- Oh yes.
235
00:18:13,062 --> 00:18:14,495
All right.
236
00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:19,059
Blackadder! What are you saying?
What of loyalty? Honour?
237
00:18:19,262 --> 00:18:23,175
- What of them?
- Nothing.
238
00:18:23,382 --> 00:18:27,738
- So you will both play ball?
- Yep.
239
00:18:28,821 --> 00:18:30,732
Oh, what joy!
240
00:18:30,941 --> 00:18:35,537
See how you collapse before me,
great and incorruptible English nobs.
241
00:18:35,741 --> 00:18:38,938
So proud of your great big stiff upper lips?
242
00:18:39,141 --> 00:18:41,496
Gloating is a sign of insecurity.
243
00:18:41,701 --> 00:18:44,294
Do you want to know how to get the Queen?
244
00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:50,575
I thought some kind of disguise.
I do a good Mary Queen of Scots.
245
00:18:51,620 --> 00:18:54,851
Hoots, mon. Whar's me heid?
246
00:18:57,300 --> 00:19:04,694
- What sort of party should it be?
- A fancy dress. I love fancy dress.
247
00:19:04,899 --> 00:19:09,256
- Nursie?
- I think it should be one of those...
248
00:19:09,459 --> 00:19:13,338
...where everybody comes with nothing on at all.
249
00:19:13,539 --> 00:19:15,052
Shut up, then!
250
00:19:15,259 --> 00:19:17,613
I agree with you, Acting Lord Chamberlain.
251
00:19:17,818 --> 00:19:22,528
If we're to forget our woes, then we
should have as much fun as possible.
252
00:19:22,738 --> 00:19:29,132
What's more fun than people dressed
as frogs and rabbits and nuns?
253
00:19:29,338 --> 00:19:34,411
- And bits of wood.
- You're not going as a bit of wood.
254
00:19:34,617 --> 00:19:37,131
- Aren't I?
- No!
255
00:19:37,337 --> 00:19:40,454
How about a pencil? Should I come as a pencil?
256
00:19:40,657 --> 00:19:46,254
You always talk like this
and always end up as the same thing.
257
00:19:46,457 --> 00:19:49,334
- Do I?
- Yes, you know you do.
258
00:19:50,136 --> 00:19:56,655
Lassie, what does Nursie come
to fancy dress parties dressed as?
259
00:19:56,856 --> 00:20:01,725
- I thought everybody knew.
- Everybody, except Nursie. Tell her.
260
00:20:01,936 --> 00:20:04,370
She always comes as a cow.
261
00:20:04,576 --> 00:20:10,013
Yes, that's right!
A lovely cow with great lovely udders.
262
00:20:10,215 --> 00:20:13,252
I swiggle around going "moo".
263
00:20:13,455 --> 00:20:17,334
"Come to Nursie Cow,
you lovely little heifers!" What fun!
264
00:20:17,535 --> 00:20:21,494
- I want to be a cow again, please?
- Shut up!
265
00:20:21,694 --> 00:20:25,653
- Isn't Nursie stupid?
- She certainly is, Ma'am.
266
00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:32,245
You see? We're having a good time already!
267
00:20:32,454 --> 00:20:36,686
We've completely forgotten
about those chaps in prison.
268
00:20:42,573 --> 00:20:45,963
What chaps?
269
00:20:47,093 --> 00:20:50,688
Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...
270
00:20:52,613 --> 00:20:55,570
My friends, I come to bid you farewell.
271
00:20:55,772 --> 00:21:01,324
The guards will die of old age, but
their sons will attend to your needs.
272
00:21:01,532 --> 00:21:04,410
Thanks for your concern, we intend to escape.
273
00:21:04,612 --> 00:21:09,003
With your information, I intend to
bring down your Queen and country.
274
00:21:09,212 --> 00:21:14,365
The Master of Disguise will become
the Master of the World.
275
00:21:14,571 --> 00:21:17,449
- One thing, Ludwig, before you go...
- What?
276
00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:22,406
- Were you ever bullied at school?
- What do you mean?
277
00:21:22,611 --> 00:21:27,400
This ranting and raving about power,
there must be some reason for it.
278
00:21:27,610 --> 00:21:32,604
At my school having dirty hair
and spots was a sign of maturity!
279
00:21:32,810 --> 00:21:38,328
I bet your mother made you
wear shorts right up to your final year.
280
00:21:38,530 --> 00:21:41,044
Shut up!
281
00:21:41,250 --> 00:21:47,404
When I am King of England, no-one
will call me Shorty-Greasy-Spot!
282
00:21:48,649 --> 00:21:51,322
Touched a nerve there, I think.
283
00:21:51,529 --> 00:21:55,317
What good is it going to do us
if we're doomed to die here?
284
00:21:55,529 --> 00:21:57,838
Don't worry, I have a plan.
285
00:21:58,049 --> 00:22:02,007
With Ludwig gone, we won't have
trouble overcoming the guards.
286
00:22:02,208 --> 00:22:05,280
Germans are sticklers for efficiency,
I've been watching their routine.
287
00:22:05,488 --> 00:22:08,639
I've selected the moment
when they're most vulnerable.
288
00:22:08,848 --> 00:22:11,646
- That is when we will attack them.
- How?
289
00:22:11,848 --> 00:22:15,397
That is the most cunning bit...
290
00:22:16,088 --> 00:22:19,716
Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...
291
00:22:20,567 --> 00:22:25,687
This is it. Don't forget,
when they're at their most vulnerable.
292
00:22:25,687 --> 00:22:29,675
Halt! Jingle the keys!
293
00:22:29,887 --> 00:22:32,037
Open the door!
294
00:22:33,006 --> 00:22:36,919
Greeting to the prisoners!
295
00:22:37,126 --> 00:22:42,564
Guten Abend, Englander-scum.
March to the table!
296
00:22:42,766 --> 00:22:46,964
Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...
297
00:22:49,005 --> 00:22:53,078
Halt! Food on the table: ein, zwei!
298
00:22:54,125 --> 00:22:57,754
Spit on the food: ein, zwei!
299
00:22:57,965 --> 00:23:03,517
Insulting further gestures
to the prisoners: ein, zwei!
300
00:23:03,725 --> 00:23:04,725
Now!
301
00:23:06,044 --> 00:23:08,797
Trust me to get the hard one!
302
00:23:17,444 --> 00:23:20,641
Off with their heads!
303
00:23:21,524 --> 00:23:27,314
Ma'am, it is brilliant! Your father is born again!
304
00:23:27,523 --> 00:23:32,392
Bally well hope not,
or else I won't be Queen anymore!
305
00:23:32,603 --> 00:23:36,562
Yours is pretty good, too. What is it?
306
00:23:36,763 --> 00:23:40,721
It's nothing, Ma'am.
Just a mere trifle I threw together.
307
00:23:40,922 --> 00:23:44,961
Doesn't look like a trifle.
Looks more like a fruit salad.
308
00:23:47,442 --> 00:23:51,401
I see Nursie's really excelled herself.
309
00:23:52,882 --> 00:23:57,955
Yes, she has. I'm not sure about this, though.
310
00:23:59,001 --> 00:24:03,040
- What are you meant to be?
- A pencil case.
311
00:24:06,641 --> 00:24:07,641
Yes!
312
00:24:09,041 --> 00:24:13,397
Oh, it's just like parties I had when I was tiny.
313
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,194
We had tea and cakes and venison.
314
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:20,632
Then a trip with a couple
of little friends to the executions.
315
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:24,389
If I wanted my little friends executed, that is.
316
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:29,034
How I do wish Edmund could be here.
317
00:24:29,239 --> 00:24:31,070
He always loved parties,
318
00:24:31,279 --> 00:24:36,399
...and always, always wore very, very tight tights.
319
00:24:37,439 --> 00:24:38,952
Edmund who?
320
00:24:39,159 --> 00:24:42,117
Edmund Blackadder!
321
00:24:42,319 --> 00:24:46,197
- Oh, Edmund. But...
- Have I ever missed a party?
322
00:24:47,238 --> 00:24:52,187
- But what about Lord Melchett?
- Yes, unfortunately, he made it too.
323
00:24:52,398 --> 00:24:58,473
Joy beyond measure! Bliss
which cannot be counted on fingers.
324
00:24:59,518 --> 00:25:00,517
Baa!
325
00:25:05,957 --> 00:25:09,347
- Sorry, Edmund?
- Nothing.
326
00:25:09,557 --> 00:25:14,995
Yes, unfortunately, apart from
my nose getting a little prettier,
327
00:25:15,197 --> 00:25:17,585
...nothing much has changed around here.
328
00:25:17,796 --> 00:25:21,675
Your animal still isn't house-trained,
Percy's still unemployed,
329
00:25:21,876 --> 00:25:24,310
...and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle.
330
00:25:24,516 --> 00:25:27,906
- Moo!
- Thank you for reminding me.
331
00:25:29,676 --> 00:25:32,473
Nursie! You've killed Nursie!
332
00:25:32,675 --> 00:25:34,631
That's horrid.
333
00:25:34,835 --> 00:25:38,953
Guards! Take him away and execute him!
334
00:25:39,155 --> 00:25:42,431
Can anyone help me with my udders?
335
00:25:42,635 --> 00:25:44,990
- Nursie?
- Yes.
336
00:25:45,195 --> 00:25:51,269
May I introduce you to our captor,
Prince Ludwig the Indestructible!
337
00:25:52,754 --> 00:25:56,030
Queen Elizabeth, we meet again.
338
00:25:56,234 --> 00:25:58,873
No, I don't think so, actually.
339
00:26:00,154 --> 00:26:02,907
Remember when you were young...
340
00:26:03,114 --> 00:26:07,265
...your father used to take you riding
on a magnificent grey pony...
341
00:26:07,473 --> 00:26:11,352
...that you used to
kiss and fondle in the stable yard.
342
00:26:11,553 --> 00:26:16,911
I was the tall and attractive
German stable-lad who held him.
343
00:26:17,113 --> 00:26:20,071
- No!
- Yes!
344
00:26:20,273 --> 00:26:23,628
Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot?
345
00:26:25,512 --> 00:26:29,505
You will regret the day
that you mocked my complexion!
346
00:26:30,352 --> 00:26:34,391
I shall return and vreak my rewenghee!
347
00:26:34,592 --> 00:26:38,345
No, you will die and be buried.
348
00:26:38,551 --> 00:26:40,667
Hurray!
349
00:26:40,871 --> 00:26:42,702
Strange man.
350
00:26:42,911 --> 00:26:45,550
But how did you know it was him?
351
00:26:45,751 --> 00:26:49,380
This was the information
with which we bought our lives.
352
00:26:49,591 --> 00:26:54,789
We said: If the Queen's having a party,
Nursie always goes as a cow.
353
00:26:54,990 --> 00:27:00,348
All we had to do was escape,
return and kill the cow.
354
00:27:01,350 --> 00:27:04,501
How could you be sure it was not Nursie?
355
00:27:04,710 --> 00:27:07,668
Because Ludwig was a master of disguise.
356
00:27:07,870 --> 00:27:12,738
Nursie is a sad, insane old woman
with an udder fixation.
357
00:27:12,949 --> 00:27:18,262
All we had to do was kill the one
that looked like the cow.
358
00:27:19,309 --> 00:27:23,382
That was Ludwig's mistake.
His disguise was too good!
359
00:27:23,589 --> 00:27:26,978
Gosh, Edmund! How brilliant! Welcome home.
360
00:27:27,188 --> 00:27:30,385
- I must say it's good to be back.
- Welcome, Edmund.
361
00:27:30,588 --> 00:27:34,467
- Did you miss me?
- I certainly did.
362
00:27:34,668 --> 00:27:39,219
Many was the time I said to myself:
"I wish Percy was here..."
363
00:27:39,428 --> 00:27:42,500
"...being tortured instead of me."
364
00:27:42,708 --> 00:27:47,861
- We have missed your wit!
- Did you miss me, my lord?
365
00:27:49,307 --> 00:27:51,502
Baldrick, is it?
366
00:27:51,707 --> 00:27:54,016
No, not really.
367
00:27:55,587 --> 00:27:58,818
And me. Did you miss me, Edmund?
368
00:27:59,027 --> 00:28:02,939
Madam, life without you was like...
369
00:28:03,146 --> 00:28:05,740
...a broken pencil.
370
00:28:05,946 --> 00:28:09,575
- Explain?
- Pointless.
371
00:28:11,346 --> 00:28:18,342
# Beware all ye who lust for fame
The path of life is most uncertain
372
00:28:18,545 --> 00:28:25,178
# Prince Ludwig thought he'd won
But now the Kraut's gone for a burton
373
00:28:25,385 --> 00:28:31,938
# Blackadder! Blackadder!
He beats the Hun by luck
374
00:28:32,145 --> 00:28:39,061
# Blackadder! Blackadder!
He's smarter than a duck
375
00:28:39,264 --> 00:28:46,102
# Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!
Intelligent and deep
376
00:28:46,304 --> 00:28:54,062
# Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!
A shame about the sheep
377
00:29:09,102 --> 00:29:12,936
Now this is a disguise I'm really going to enjoy!
378
00:29:13,142 --> 00:29:17,101
If I can just get the voice right.
29156
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