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1
00:00:39,273 --> 00:00:44,869
I must say it was jolly nice of you
to ask me to share your breakfast.
2
00:00:45,072 --> 00:00:50,271
It is said that civilised man seeks
out good and intelligent company.
3
00:00:50,472 --> 00:00:54,784
Through learned discourse, he may
rise above savage and closer to God.
4
00:00:54,992 --> 00:00:56,390
Yes, I've heard that.
5
00:00:56,591 --> 00:01:01,142
I like to start the day with a dickhead
to remind me I'm best.
6
00:01:01,351 --> 00:01:04,502
Beshrew me, Edmund! You're in good fooling.
7
00:01:04,711 --> 00:01:07,543
Don't say 'beshrew me',
Only stupid actors say that.
8
00:01:07,750 --> 00:01:10,867
Oh, how I would love to be an actor!
9
00:01:11,070 --> 00:01:15,348
I had great talent for it.
I was the man of a thousand faces.
10
00:01:15,550 --> 00:01:19,019
How'd you come to choose
the ugly mug you've got now?
11
00:01:19,229 --> 00:01:22,141
- Tush, my lord.
- Don't say 'tush' either.
12
00:01:22,349 --> 00:01:27,582
It's a short step from 'tush' to
'hey nonny' and then I'll call the police.
13
00:01:27,789 --> 00:01:31,827
God pats me on the head and says:
"Good boy, Edmund!"
14
00:01:32,028 --> 00:01:34,781
My aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder...
15
00:01:34,988 --> 00:01:37,058
...the two most fanatical puritans in England...
16
00:01:37,268 --> 00:01:40,498
...have invited themselves to dinner here tonight.
17
00:01:40,707 --> 00:01:42,857
Aren't they the most frightful bores?
18
00:01:43,067 --> 00:01:47,185
They have one great
redeeming feature; their wallets.
19
00:01:47,387 --> 00:01:51,937
More capacious than an elephant's
scrotum and as difficult to get into.
20
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:57,618
At least until now, for tonight
they wish to discuss my inheritance.
21
00:01:57,826 --> 00:02:00,738
Hey nonny nonny, my lord! Good news!
22
00:02:00,946 --> 00:02:02,025
Baldrick!
23
00:02:06,345 --> 00:02:09,496
Why have you got cheese
tied to the end of your nose?
24
00:02:09,705 --> 00:02:11,661
To catch mice, my lord.
25
00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:16,221
I lie on the floor with my mouth open
and hope they scurry in.
26
00:02:16,424 --> 00:02:18,813
- And do they?
- Not yet, my lord.
27
00:02:19,024 --> 00:02:23,733
I'm not surprised. Your breath
comes straight from Satan's bottom.
28
00:02:23,943 --> 00:02:26,776
The only mouse you're going to catch
is one without a nose.
29
00:02:26,983 --> 00:02:30,134
That's a pity,
the nose is the best bit on a mouse.
30
00:02:30,343 --> 00:02:33,698
That would be luxury compared to
what Percy and I must eat tonight.
31
00:02:33,902 --> 00:02:37,133
We are entertaining
puritan vegetable folk, Balders.
32
00:02:37,342 --> 00:02:42,621
- And that means no meat.
- Then I shall make Turnip Surprise.
33
00:02:42,822 --> 00:02:46,780
- And the surprise is?
- There's nothing in it except turnip.
34
00:02:46,981 --> 00:02:50,656
So, the Turnip Surprise would be a turnip.
35
00:02:51,901 --> 00:02:53,698
Oh yeah...
36
00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:57,129
Get the door, Baldrick.
37
00:02:58,180 --> 00:03:01,809
If things go as planned,
congratulations are in order.
38
00:03:02,020 --> 00:03:05,535
Nice try, Percy. But you're not getting a penny.
39
00:03:12,019 --> 00:03:18,696
I would advise you to make
your explanation phenomenally good.
40
00:03:18,898 --> 00:03:21,537
- You said: "Get the door".
- You're fired.
41
00:03:21,738 --> 00:03:25,128
But, my lord,
I've been in your family since 1532!
42
00:03:25,338 --> 00:03:28,329
So has syphilis. Now get out!
43
00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:33,573
By the way, there was a messenger outside.
44
00:03:33,777 --> 00:03:38,532
He says the Queen wants to see you;
Lord Melchett is very sick.
45
00:03:38,737 --> 00:03:43,332
- He's at Death's door.
- My old reinstated family retainer.
46
00:03:43,536 --> 00:03:46,096
Let's go and open it for him, then!
47
00:03:48,336 --> 00:03:52,692
Edmund! Quick! Melchett's dying.
We must do something!
48
00:03:52,895 --> 00:03:56,251
Yes, of course. Some sort of celebration.
49
00:03:56,455 --> 00:03:59,174
But let's wait until he's actually snuffed it.
50
00:03:59,375 --> 00:04:03,526
Nursie's old methods don't seem to be working.
51
00:04:04,574 --> 00:04:08,249
It all started last night at about two o'clock.
52
00:04:08,454 --> 00:04:12,651
I was tucked into bed having
a scrummy dream about ponies...
53
00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:17,768
...when I was wakened by
a terrific banging from Lord Melchett.
54
00:04:17,973 --> 00:04:20,692
I never knew he had it in him.
55
00:04:20,893 --> 00:04:25,363
It's true! He was banging
on the castle gate, falling over...
56
00:04:25,572 --> 00:04:30,441
And singing a strange song about
a girl who possessed something...
57
00:04:30,652 --> 00:04:34,087
Oh, yes. It's a lovely old hymn.
58
00:04:34,291 --> 00:04:36,964
I think I know what's wrong with Lord Melchett.
59
00:04:37,171 --> 00:04:39,685
And unfortunately, it isn't fatal.
60
00:04:39,891 --> 00:04:44,089
Hurry up and cure the horrible man.
I'm fed up with him moaning.
61
00:04:44,291 --> 00:04:49,125
And letting off such great
and fruitsome flappy woof-woofs.
62
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:51,924
One can't believe one's tiny nosy.
63
00:04:52,130 --> 00:04:55,485
The truth is,
Lord Melchett just can't take his ale.
64
00:04:55,689 --> 00:05:00,205
I may be a little delicate this morning,
but what I drank last night...
65
00:05:00,409 --> 00:05:03,845
...would have floored a rhinoceros!
- If it was allergic to lemonade.
66
00:05:04,049 --> 00:05:07,085
It's Blackadder here who can't take his ale.
67
00:05:07,288 --> 00:05:08,846
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah!
68
00:05:09,048 --> 00:05:11,801
This is so exciting! The boys are getting tough.
69
00:05:12,008 --> 00:05:16,160
We all remember the embarrassment
of the visit of the King of Austria...
70
00:05:16,368 --> 00:05:20,565
...when Blackadder was found
naked at Hampton Court singing:
71
00:05:20,767 --> 00:05:22,723
"I'm Merlin the Happy Pig!"
72
00:05:22,927 --> 00:05:27,045
So what did you have last night?
A whole pint of potato juice?
73
00:05:27,247 --> 00:05:32,161
I had two flagons of claret
and a double helping of curried turtle!
74
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:36,996
It's no holds barred with us at
the annual communion-wine tasting.
75
00:05:37,206 --> 00:05:40,083
For me and the boys,
every night is drinking night!
76
00:05:40,285 --> 00:05:42,924
- Says who?
- Says me!
77
00:05:43,125 --> 00:05:47,323
You should come and have a look
at the underside of my table.
78
00:05:47,525 --> 00:05:49,992
- Tonight!
- Tonight?
79
00:05:50,204 --> 00:05:54,720
Yeah! Come on, Melchy.
What are you scared of?
80
00:05:54,924 --> 00:05:56,960
All right, tonight. I'll be there.
81
00:05:57,164 --> 00:06:02,191
Hurray! And last one under the table gets...
82
00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:05,600
Ten thousand florins from the loser.
83
00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:09,320
Right. Well, I'll get the beer in then.
84
00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:16,038
Nursie.
85
00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:20,641
- Do you know what I'm going to do?
- What?
86
00:06:20,842 --> 00:06:24,800
I'm going to find out
what happens at these boys' nights.
87
00:06:25,001 --> 00:06:27,276
- Good idea, poppet.
- And...
88
00:06:27,481 --> 00:06:33,476
I'll wear a cloak with a cowl,
so no-one will recognise me.
89
00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:39,835
You're so clever today, you better
be careful your foot doesn't fall off.
90
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:44,794
Does that happen
when you have lots of brilliant ideas?
91
00:06:44,999 --> 00:06:50,756
My brother had this brilliant idea
of cutting his toenails with a scythe...
92
00:06:50,959 --> 00:06:52,915
...and his foot fell off.
93
00:06:54,959 --> 00:06:59,395
The person we're looking for is
an aggressive drunken lout...
94
00:06:59,598 --> 00:07:05,514
...with intelligence of a four year old
and sexual sophistication of a donkey.
95
00:07:05,718 --> 00:07:08,754
- Cardinal Wolsey...
- Baldrick!
96
00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:11,753
My lord?
97
00:07:14,757 --> 00:07:18,465
- Why?
- I got fed up with the all-mouse diet.
98
00:07:18,676 --> 00:07:21,873
Thought I'd try cat for variety.
99
00:07:22,076 --> 00:07:25,034
Good, well done. Returning to the real world:
100
00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:26,954
...do you have a knife?
101
00:07:27,156 --> 00:07:31,626
Good. I wish to quickly
send off some party invitations.
102
00:07:31,835 --> 00:07:35,987
I wish to write them in blood.
Your blood, to be precise.
103
00:07:36,195 --> 00:07:38,947
How much blood will you be requiring?
104
00:07:39,154 --> 00:07:41,190
Oh, nothing much. Just a small puddle.
105
00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:45,945
Will you want me to cut anything off?
An arm or a leg?
106
00:07:46,154 --> 00:07:50,704
Good lord, no. A little prick should do.
107
00:07:52,753 --> 00:07:56,666
Very well, my lord.
I am your bondsman and must obey.
108
00:07:56,873 --> 00:08:00,104
For God's sake! A little prick on your finger.
109
00:08:00,832 --> 00:08:04,666
- I haven't got one there!
- Forget it.
110
00:08:04,872 --> 00:08:06,669
Thank you, my lord.
111
00:08:06,872 --> 00:08:09,340
Perce, how's this list going?
112
00:08:09,552 --> 00:08:12,702
I thought we could invite
my girlfriend, Gwendoline...
113
00:08:12,911 --> 00:08:17,462
- No chicks. Who else?
- That's as far as I'd got, actually.
114
00:08:17,671 --> 00:08:20,788
I'll dictate. First: Simon Partridge.
115
00:08:20,991 --> 00:08:25,506
Oh, not Farter's Parters,
also known as Mr Ostrich.
116
00:08:25,710 --> 00:08:28,224
- Even he...
- But he's a fearful oik!
117
00:08:28,430 --> 00:08:32,503
Takes one to know one, Perce.
Secondly: Sir Geoffrey Piddle.
118
00:08:32,710 --> 00:08:36,497
Here's-To-The-Health-Of
Cardinal-Chunder Piddle?
119
00:08:36,709 --> 00:08:41,464
Thirdly: Freddie Frobisher,
the Flatulent Hermit of Lindisfarne.
120
00:08:41,669 --> 00:08:43,466
Oh, paugh paugh!
121
00:08:43,669 --> 00:08:47,980
- That should do the trick.
- And Lord and Lady Whiteadder.
122
00:08:48,188 --> 00:08:49,462
Oh, yes.
123
00:08:49,668 --> 00:08:50,508
Oh, no.
124
00:08:53,148 --> 00:08:57,425
It does look a teeny bit
like trying to get out of it.
125
00:08:57,627 --> 00:09:01,017
No, Ma'am.
I just want to make it another night.
126
00:09:01,227 --> 00:09:04,139
- Certainly not!
- I beg your pardon?
127
00:09:04,347 --> 00:09:06,621
It's just one excuse after another.
128
00:09:06,826 --> 00:09:10,978
Next thing, he'll be trying
to get out of having his bath.
129
00:09:11,186 --> 00:09:15,657
- He isn't talking about baths, Nursie.
- Well, he should be.
130
00:09:15,866 --> 00:09:20,336
Soon he'll be saying
he doesn't want his nappy changed!
131
00:09:20,985 --> 00:09:23,783
Lord Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy.
132
00:09:23,985 --> 00:09:27,614
In that case, it's even more
important that he has a bath!
133
00:09:28,544 --> 00:09:33,140
I know why you want to get out of it.
I remember the last party.
134
00:09:33,344 --> 00:09:37,701
I found you face-down in a puddle,
wearing a pointy hat and singing.
135
00:09:37,904 --> 00:09:40,133
Yes, all right! Tonight it is.
136
00:09:40,343 --> 00:09:44,097
Oh, Edmund. I do love it when you get cross.
137
00:09:44,303 --> 00:09:48,455
Sometimes I think of executing you
to see the expression on your face.
138
00:09:51,542 --> 00:09:56,252
Let's make sure you've got this.
We're having two parties here tonight.
139
00:09:56,462 --> 00:09:59,215
And they must be kept completely separate.
140
00:09:59,422 --> 00:10:05,860
Firstly, a total piss-up involving beer
throwing and wall-to-wall vomiting.
141
00:10:06,061 --> 00:10:09,895
To be held here in Baldrick's bedroom.
142
00:10:10,101 --> 00:10:16,016
Secondly, Percy will join me in here
for the gourmet turnip eating.
143
00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:21,135
- Is the Turnip Surprise ready?
- Yes, it is my lord.
144
00:10:22,179 --> 00:10:25,376
- Then what is so funny?
- Well, my lord,
145
00:10:25,579 --> 00:10:28,935
...while Baldrick and I
were preparing the Turnip Surprise...
146
00:10:29,139 --> 00:10:30,970
We had a surprise!
147
00:10:31,179 --> 00:10:36,889
We came across a turnip
that was exactly the same shape...
148
00:10:37,098 --> 00:10:39,851
As a thingy!
149
00:10:45,337 --> 00:10:47,248
A thingy?
150
00:10:47,457 --> 00:10:51,496
A great big thingy! It was terrific.
151
00:10:51,697 --> 00:10:54,655
Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick.
152
00:10:54,856 --> 00:10:59,247
Horses are well endowed, but
it doesn't make them sensitive lovers.
153
00:10:59,456 --> 00:11:03,768
I trust you have removed this hilarious item?
154
00:11:03,976 --> 00:11:07,968
Nothing stops an inheritance
like a thingy-shaped turnip.
155
00:11:08,175 --> 00:11:13,568
Absolutely, Edmund. But it was jolly funny!
156
00:11:14,615 --> 00:11:19,563
I found it particulary ironic, 'cause
I've got a thingy shaped like a turnip.
157
00:11:21,574 --> 00:11:27,569
I'm quite fun at parties! I hide in the
vegetable rack and scare children.
158
00:11:27,773 --> 00:11:32,005
Perhaps you've forgotten I'm having
a drinking competition tonight...
159
00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:35,603
...with Lord Melchett,
and ten thousand florins are at stake!
160
00:11:35,813 --> 00:11:37,804
- Oh dear!
- What do you mean?
161
00:11:38,013 --> 00:11:41,163
Firstly: you haven't got ten thousand florins.
162
00:11:41,372 --> 00:11:46,446
And thirdly: one drop of the ale
and you fall flat on your face.
163
00:11:46,652 --> 00:11:50,564
That's nonsense. But just in case it's true...
164
00:11:50,771 --> 00:11:52,807
- It is true.
- Yes, all right!
165
00:11:53,011 --> 00:11:56,890
The plan is: when I call for my
Incredibly Strong Ale...
166
00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:59,889
...you must pass me water
in an ale bottle. Got that?
167
00:12:00,091 --> 00:12:03,924
When you call for ale, I pass water.
168
00:12:04,130 --> 00:12:07,600
Percy, your job is to stay here
and suck up to my aunt.
169
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:12,883
I think you can trust me
to know how to handle a woman.
170
00:12:13,809 --> 00:12:16,562
Right, here goes.
171
00:12:24,288 --> 00:12:28,247
Uncle! Aunt! Greetings!
How nice it is to see you.
172
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:35,405
Wicked child! Don't lie.
Everyone hates us, and you know it.
173
00:12:35,607 --> 00:12:39,839
May I introduce my friend Lord Percy.
174
00:12:40,047 --> 00:12:41,924
Well, well, well, Eddy!
175
00:12:42,127 --> 00:12:45,596
You didn't tell me you had
such a good-looking aunt!
176
00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:48,400
Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness!
177
00:12:48,606 --> 00:12:52,281
I know what I like, and I like what I see.
178
00:12:52,486 --> 00:12:54,760
Be gone, Satan!
179
00:12:54,965 --> 00:12:58,355
I hope you had a pleasant inheritance...
180
00:12:58,565 --> 00:13:01,238
Did I say 'inheritance'? I meant journey.
181
00:13:01,445 --> 00:13:04,835
If you'd just like to
help yourself to a legacy... a chair.
182
00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:09,322
Chair? You have chairs in your house?
183
00:13:09,524 --> 00:13:13,517
Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan!
184
00:13:13,724 --> 00:13:17,318
In our home, Nathaniel sits on a spike.
185
00:13:17,523 --> 00:13:20,640
- And yourself?
- I sit on Nathaniel.
186
00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:24,472
Two spikes would be an extravagance.
187
00:13:24,683 --> 00:13:26,958
I will suffer comfort this once.
188
00:13:27,163 --> 00:13:31,235
We shall just have to stick forks
in our legs between courses.
189
00:13:31,442 --> 00:13:34,081
I trust you remember we eat no meat?
190
00:13:34,282 --> 00:13:39,150
Here we feast only
on God's lovely turnip, mashed.
191
00:13:39,361 --> 00:13:40,714
Mashed?!
192
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:45,278
Wicked child! Mashing is
also the work of Beelzebub.
193
00:13:45,481 --> 00:13:49,234
For Satan saw God's blessed turnip,
and he envied it...
194
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,989
...and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape.
195
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:56,636
I shall have my turnip as God intended.
196
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,432
- Baldrick!
- My lord?
197
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,358
Would you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip?
198
00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:04,915
- We've only got the one that...
- Just do it. Thank you.
199
00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:11,074
Uncle, will you have your turnip
mashed, or as God intended?
200
00:14:11,278 --> 00:14:15,157
He will not answer you,
he has taken a vow of silence.
201
00:14:15,358 --> 00:14:19,317
I believe that silence is golden.
202
00:14:27,637 --> 00:14:29,036
Inheritance.
203
00:14:29,917 --> 00:14:34,148
Edmund! I trust
you have invited no other guests?
204
00:14:34,356 --> 00:14:37,905
Where there are other guests
there are people to fornicate with!
205
00:14:38,116 --> 00:14:40,266
Well, quite.
206
00:14:40,476 --> 00:14:44,388
I'll just go and tell them to fornicate off.
Lord Percy.
207
00:14:49,595 --> 00:14:52,871
Well, Lord Whiteadder, a vow of silence...
208
00:14:53,075 --> 00:14:57,864
That's quite an interesting thing.
Tell me about it.
209
00:15:03,834 --> 00:15:10,272
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
210
00:15:10,473 --> 00:15:18,504
Happy Birthday, Eddy-Baby.
Happy Birthday to you!
211
00:15:19,552 --> 00:15:22,544
It's not my birthday, Archdeacon!
212
00:15:24,432 --> 00:15:27,071
Well, get stuck in, boys.
213
00:15:27,271 --> 00:15:30,104
Stuck in! Way-hey! Get it?
214
00:15:30,311 --> 00:15:34,065
Well, it sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?
Stuck in!
215
00:15:34,871 --> 00:15:36,702
Sorry, back in a tick.
216
00:15:36,911 --> 00:15:39,583
A tick! Now that
sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?
217
00:15:39,790 --> 00:15:42,509
Sounds a bit like bum!
218
00:15:43,550 --> 00:15:46,667
Melchett!
Late I see, to avoid the early drinking.
219
00:15:46,870 --> 00:15:50,828
You really are a beginner.
You forgot your comedy breasts!
220
00:15:51,029 --> 00:15:52,985
Au contraire, Blackadder.
221
00:15:53,189 --> 00:15:56,386
Let's wait until
we get down to the serious drinking.
222
00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:59,547
No, it's this way. Here we are.
223
00:16:03,708 --> 00:16:08,065
- Good evening.
- Lads, this is Lord Melchett.
224
00:16:09,108 --> 00:16:13,464
- Give him a large one, will you?
- Large one! Way-hey! Get it?
225
00:16:13,667 --> 00:16:18,104
Yes, you do! Large one! Sounds a bit rude.
226
00:16:19,147 --> 00:16:23,219
You may find the conversation
a bit above your head at first.
227
00:16:23,426 --> 00:16:26,179
Well, down the hatch!
228
00:16:38,585 --> 00:16:42,294
- I heard there was a party on.
- No, there are two.
229
00:16:42,505 --> 00:16:48,261
- But I'm a friend of Lord Percy.
- You must be Gwendoline! Come in.
230
00:16:48,464 --> 00:16:52,423
- Thank you very much.
- It's in here.
231
00:16:58,703 --> 00:17:01,854
I'm sorry about that.
232
00:17:06,862 --> 00:17:09,057
Sorry, he's sick.
233
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:12,334
Leprosy of the brain.
234
00:17:12,542 --> 00:17:18,093
Or he is trying to tell you
you're wearing a pair of Devil's dumplings.
235
00:17:21,061 --> 00:17:25,020
Oh my God. My earmuffs have fallen down!
236
00:17:26,061 --> 00:17:29,609
It's getting... Would you like a pair?
237
00:17:29,820 --> 00:17:34,689
Cold is God's way of telling us
to burn more catholics!
238
00:17:35,740 --> 00:17:39,937
- Which reminds me, Aunty...
- Don't call me "Aunty"!
239
00:17:40,139 --> 00:17:43,609
Aunt is a relative,
and relatives are evidence of sex...
240
00:17:43,819 --> 00:17:47,175
...and sex is hardly a fitting subject
for the dinner table.
241
00:17:47,379 --> 00:17:52,406
- Or, indeed, any table.
- Except a table in a brothel.
242
00:17:54,098 --> 00:17:57,249
Oh dear.
It seems you have fallen off your chair.
243
00:17:57,458 --> 00:17:59,687
Oh my God!
244
00:17:59,897 --> 00:18:04,493
Your turnip, my Lady.
245
00:18:07,297 --> 00:18:10,414
Very good! Very good!
246
00:18:11,576 --> 00:18:15,774
It takes me right back to our wedding night.
247
00:18:19,416 --> 00:18:22,248
We had raw turnips that night.
248
00:18:27,095 --> 00:18:29,768
- What was that?
- What was what?
249
00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:33,046
- That noise!
- Noise?
250
00:18:34,094 --> 00:18:37,086
- Did you hear a noise, Percy?
- No.
251
00:18:37,294 --> 00:18:40,286
Apart from that colossal drunken roar.
252
00:18:41,334 --> 00:18:45,804
Oh, that noise!
It's the catholics next door, I'm afraid.
253
00:18:46,013 --> 00:18:49,403
I'll just go and burn them. Back in a minute.
254
00:18:55,492 --> 00:18:59,087
- Yes?
- I'm suffocating!
255
00:18:59,292 --> 00:19:04,002
Now take a deep breath.
And another. Better?
256
00:19:04,212 --> 00:19:06,167
- Yes.
- Good.
257
00:19:07,571 --> 00:19:10,802
Mind you, I'll say one thing for catholics.
258
00:19:11,011 --> 00:19:13,525
They do have natural rhythm!
259
00:19:17,210 --> 00:19:21,726
- I notice you're not drinking.
- I'm holding my own here.
260
00:19:21,930 --> 00:19:26,923
Way-hey! Holding my own!
Now that sounds incredibly rude.
261
00:19:27,409 --> 00:19:30,526
Yes, well.
I never went to university, of course.
262
00:19:30,729 --> 00:19:34,358
It doesn't explain
why you're not drinking with us.
263
00:19:34,569 --> 00:19:36,525
That's what I wanted to talk about.
264
00:19:36,729 --> 00:19:40,243
What do you say to the idea
of ten minutes silence...
265
00:19:40,448 --> 00:19:43,406
...to get some really serious drinking in?
266
00:19:48,528 --> 00:19:53,647
Yes, I said: "Please give me silence".
Not: "Drench me with dribble".
267
00:19:53,647 --> 00:19:57,806
- Here's a nice glass of cider.
- Only cider?
268
00:19:58,007 --> 00:20:01,965
I'm going to go and put some brandy in it!
269
00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:16,155
- How are we all going, then?
- Not well!
270
00:20:16,365 --> 00:20:19,641
Let us discuss your inheritance.
271
00:20:19,845 --> 00:20:23,041
- A little drink first?
- Wicked child!
272
00:20:23,244 --> 00:20:27,795
Drink is urine for the last leper in Hell!
273
00:20:28,004 --> 00:20:33,157
No, this is only water.
This is a house of simple purity.
274
00:20:40,243 --> 00:20:43,871
Great booze-up, Edmund!
275
00:20:51,402 --> 00:20:54,598
Do you know that man?
276
00:20:55,641 --> 00:20:56,391
No.
277
00:20:57,801 --> 00:21:02,158
- He called you Edmund?
- Oh, know him. Yes, I do.
278
00:21:02,361 --> 00:21:07,514
Then can you explain
what he meant by great booze-up?
279
00:21:21,519 --> 00:21:23,794
Yes, I can.
280
00:21:23,999 --> 00:21:27,434
My friend is a missionary...
281
00:21:27,638 --> 00:21:30,106
...and on his last visit abroad...
282
00:21:30,318 --> 00:21:35,346
...brought back with him
the chief of a famous tribe.
283
00:21:35,558 --> 00:21:39,550
His name is Great Bu.
284
00:21:39,757 --> 00:21:43,989
He's been suffering from sleeping sickness.
285
00:21:44,197 --> 00:21:47,155
And he has obviously just woken...
286
00:21:47,357 --> 00:21:52,384
...because you heard: "Great Bu's up".
- Well done, Edmund.
287
00:21:52,596 --> 00:21:56,908
I think I'd better go and visit him.
Perce, over to you.
288
00:21:57,956 --> 00:22:01,664
Yes. How about some sort of game?
289
00:22:01,875 --> 00:22:06,710
How about a couple of frames
of Shove-Piggy-Shove?
290
00:22:08,715 --> 00:22:11,990
You challenged me to a drinking competition...
291
00:22:12,194 --> 00:22:15,106
...and I haven't seen you touch a drop!
292
00:22:15,314 --> 00:22:18,590
You twist and turn like a... twisty-turny thing.
293
00:22:18,794 --> 00:22:24,231
I say you're a weedy pigeon,
and you can call me Susan if it isn't so.
294
00:22:24,433 --> 00:22:28,711
All right! Baldrick, fetch my
Incredibly Strong Ale!
295
00:22:28,913 --> 00:22:32,871
Good God! Not Dr McGloo's Amber Enema?
296
00:22:33,072 --> 00:22:36,985
- A drink for schoolgirls.
- Not Strollop's Lobster Scrumpy?
297
00:22:37,192 --> 00:22:39,945
No! It is Blackadder's Bowel Basher.
298
00:22:40,152 --> 00:22:45,225
A brew guaranteed to knock
the backsides off a concrete elephant!
299
00:22:45,431 --> 00:22:50,300
- Naw! It is water.
- What!
300
00:22:50,511 --> 00:22:53,946
No, but seriously, Baldrick.
301
00:22:54,150 --> 00:22:57,540
You did call for
your Incredibly Strong Ale, my lord?
302
00:22:57,750 --> 00:23:01,140
That's a relief. I thought I'd made a mistake.
303
00:23:01,350 --> 00:23:04,308
My God, he is right. It is water!
304
00:23:04,510 --> 00:23:08,138
Come on, lads. Let's give him a real drink.
305
00:23:08,349 --> 00:23:10,704
- Well, fine.
- Bums up!
306
00:23:10,909 --> 00:23:14,185
Way-hey! Bums!
Sounds a bit like bums, doesn't it?
307
00:23:14,389 --> 00:23:17,061
Drink, Blackadder. Drink!
308
00:23:23,988 --> 00:23:25,899
42 seconds later
309
00:23:28,267 --> 00:23:32,021
Percy, I've lost the bet.
310
00:23:32,227 --> 00:23:35,981
Edmund! Explain yourself.
311
00:23:37,027 --> 00:23:40,780
I can't. Not just like that.
312
00:23:42,106 --> 00:23:45,621
I'm a complicated person, you see.
313
00:23:45,826 --> 00:23:51,695
Sometimes I'm nice
and sometimes I'm nasty.
314
00:23:52,745 --> 00:23:57,899
And sometimes
I just like to sing little songs like:
315
00:23:58,105 --> 00:24:00,220
"See the little goblin..."
316
00:24:00,424 --> 00:24:04,383
I mean, explain why
you are wearing a cardinal's hat,
317
00:24:04,584 --> 00:24:06,222
...why you are grinning inanely...
318
00:24:06,424 --> 00:24:09,814
...and why you have a feather
sticking out of your britches.
319
00:24:10,024 --> 00:24:15,222
I'm wearing a cardinal's hat
because I'm Cardinal Chunder.
320
00:24:15,423 --> 00:24:18,699
I have an ostrich feather up my bottom...
321
00:24:18,903 --> 00:24:24,022
...because Mr Ostrich put it there
to keep in the little pixies.
322
00:24:25,382 --> 00:24:27,612
And I'm grinning inanely...
323
00:24:27,822 --> 00:24:32,531
...because I think I've succeeded
in conning you and your husband...
324
00:24:32,741 --> 00:24:36,051
...out of a whopping great inheritance!
325
00:24:36,261 --> 00:24:41,051
Is that right?
May I remind you, cursed creature...
326
00:24:42,101 --> 00:24:45,570
...that your inheritance depends
upon your not drinking or gambling.
327
00:24:45,780 --> 00:24:51,571
Damn! Percy, the Devil
farts in my face once more.
328
00:24:51,780 --> 00:24:55,977
Not mentioning farts was also a condition.
329
00:24:56,179 --> 00:24:59,376
Shove off, you old trout!
330
00:24:59,579 --> 00:25:03,652
How dare you speak to my husband like that!
331
00:25:03,859 --> 00:25:06,372
Nathaniel, we're leaving!
332
00:25:06,578 --> 00:25:08,489
- And you...
- Yes?
333
00:25:08,698 --> 00:25:11,849
Has anyone told you you're a giggling imbecile?
334
00:25:12,058 --> 00:25:15,493
- Oh, yes.
- Good!
335
00:25:18,097 --> 00:25:20,611
Good riddance, you old witch!
336
00:25:20,817 --> 00:25:23,092
She's forgotten her broomstick!
337
00:25:23,297 --> 00:25:29,371
Look... I just wanted to say thanks
for a splendid evening.
338
00:25:29,576 --> 00:25:34,206
Yes, first rate, all round. Particularly your jester.
339
00:25:36,336 --> 00:25:39,452
By the way, I loved the turnip.
340
00:25:39,655 --> 00:25:42,328
Very funny.
341
00:25:42,535 --> 00:25:46,084
Exactly the same shape as a thingy!
342
00:25:47,855 --> 00:25:49,970
Good God!
343
00:25:50,174 --> 00:25:52,927
- Look who it is!
- Who is it?
344
00:25:53,134 --> 00:25:58,288
Well, it's a boys' party. She's a girl,
so she must be the stripper.
345
00:26:00,533 --> 00:26:05,288
Oh, no. Don't get too depressed, Edmund.
346
00:26:05,493 --> 00:26:09,850
I mean, money isn't everything.
347
00:26:10,892 --> 00:26:14,521
Think of clouds and daisies...
348
00:26:14,732 --> 00:26:17,849
...and the lovely smiles on little babies' faces.
349
00:26:18,052 --> 00:26:19,849
Be quiet, Percy.
350
00:26:20,052 --> 00:26:22,007
This way!
351
00:26:25,251 --> 00:26:28,323
Whoa! Another stripper!
352
00:26:28,531 --> 00:26:31,204
And a male stripper!
353
00:26:31,411 --> 00:26:35,926
Oh, yes. This is much more like it!
354
00:26:37,050 --> 00:26:41,168
And she's come dressed as the Queen!
355
00:26:41,370 --> 00:26:42,619
Sexy!
356
00:26:43,889 --> 00:26:46,119
Do you know who I am?
357
00:26:46,329 --> 00:26:49,366
Yes. I know who you are.
358
00:26:49,569 --> 00:26:54,278
- Who?
- You're Merlin the Happy Pig!
359
00:26:56,408 --> 00:27:02,563
Wrong, I'm afraid. I am the Queen of England!
360
00:27:08,047 --> 00:27:12,404
I may have the body
of a weak and feeble woman...
361
00:27:12,607 --> 00:27:18,203
...but I have the heart and stomach
of a concrete elephant.
362
00:27:18,406 --> 00:27:22,035
- Prove it!
- I certainly will.
363
00:27:23,086 --> 00:27:25,554
First I'm going to have a little drinky...
364
00:27:25,766 --> 00:27:30,361
...and then I'm going to execute
the whole bally lot of you.
365
00:27:32,045 --> 00:27:33,683
Dawn the next day
366
00:27:33,885 --> 00:27:37,877
See the little goblin
See his little feet
367
00:27:38,084 --> 00:27:41,315
And his little nosy-wose
Isn't the goblin sweet?
368
00:27:41,524 --> 00:27:44,038
- YES!
- Wait a minute!
369
00:27:44,244 --> 00:27:48,714
I'm sure there was something
important I had to do this morning.
370
00:27:52,523 --> 00:27:55,913
I remember something about
ten thousand florins.
371
00:27:56,123 --> 00:27:59,717
I think it was something about an inheritance.
372
00:27:59,922 --> 00:28:04,473
Do you lot want to hear about the goblin or not?
373
00:28:04,682 --> 00:28:10,597
Perhaps I might be allowed to continue
and perhaps finish, with any luck.
374
00:28:10,801 --> 00:28:13,554
Luck! Way-hey.
375
00:28:13,761 --> 00:28:17,231
- Get it?
- NO!
376
00:28:17,441 --> 00:28:22,673
Oh, come on! Luck.
Sounds almost exactly like...
377
00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:31,039
# Blackadder, couldn't hold his beer
The art of boozing he's not master
378
00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:37,678
# And I, your merryy balladeer
Am also well and truly plastered
379
00:28:37,879 --> 00:28:44,511
# Blackadder! Blackadder!
A bit like Robin Hood
380
00:28:44,718 --> 00:28:51,635
# Blackadder! Blackadder!
But nothing like as good
381
00:28:51,838 --> 00:28:58,515
# Blackadder! Blackadder!
I thought that he had died
382
00:28:58,717 --> 00:29:06,669
# Blackadder! Blackadder!
Our writers must have lied.
30297
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