All language subtitles for Balls.Up.2026.720p.1080p.2160p.Amazon.Primevideo.Web.English-English[1]

-(microphone feedback)
-(Elijah clearing throat)

(clearing throat forcefully)

(Elijah) Ah, apologies.

Sorry, the thing is, uh, public speaking

-has never been my, uh...
-(microphone feedback)

(wheezing laugh)

...my-- I can't even think of the word.

(inhales sharply) I, uh...

I would pretty much do anything
to avoid public speaking.

Like, even die. I would die...

rather than public speak.

Like, if a meteor came and landed
on us right now, I'd be relieved.

(laughs) I'd be, like, "Come to papa."

Elijah, relax.

It's only a practice pitch.

-We're all on the same team, right?
-(microphone feedback)

No pressure.

I mean, other than
the Regal Blue Condom Company's future

and all of us who work here.

This pitch fails, we all go tits up.

-And we don't want that to happen.
-(Elijah) Right.

As you all know,
I'm a bit of a germaphobe.

Raw dog?

"Nah." I say, "Nah, dog."

And, um, and so there was this one time
that I was making love

to a woman from--
oh, it doesn't matter where--

but, uh, we were getting it on and I--

my testicles were becoming
adjacent to things

I didn't want them to become adjacent to--

What is happening here?
What are we-- (chuckles)

I don't know, but I can't look away.

May I, uh, suggest a change of clothes?

Maybe a-a wet suit?

(Burgess) Let Elijah finish, please.

I relate to what you're saying because
I, myself, have often felt a man's balls

lightly tapping me from behind
like pieces of warm dog shit

dangling in a plastic poo-bag.

It's unnerving and disgusting.

That is unnerving.

Sorry, is Steve from HR here?

I didn't invite him. Ugh, the fun police.

Uh, actually, I'm here.

Oh, fuck.

Anyways, as you all know, um...

m-more prophylactics are sold
during the World Cup

than any event on planet Earth.

Even more than the Valentine's Days.

Even more than the Olympics.

Raoul, that's your cue,
"More than the Olympics."

Oh, sorry. Yeah.

-Uh... Yeah.
-No. Yeah.

-(vibrating)
-(Raoul) Oh, sh--

Oh, my God. Please get that away from me.

It's alive!

(Elijah) Okay, there's,

-uh...
-(Monique) T-Turn it off.

(Elijah) Okay.

I don't-- There's a button somewhere.

(clicks, vibrating stops)

Uh, may I, uh, be excused?

-Not now, Jeremy.
-No, it's just I have a...

I got a hard out at 11:30, so...

Eleven-thirty?

-Yeah.
-What can't move?

Dialysis.

-Oh, shit.
-(Jeremy) Yeah.

I'm sorry. Yeah. No, no problem.

Everybody do what they got to do.

-(Elijah) Anyways, um, drumroll, please.
-(quiet chatter)

(tapping drumroll)

In order to win the World Cup account,

I have devised and designed

a condom that covers both the penis

and the testicles.

I call it...

(squeaking)

Any time on that meteor, God.

(vibrating)

(♪ Trio Mocotó sing "Não Adianta")

The Testicle Sentinel.

-(clicks, vibrating stops)
-Oh.

Yeah, it kind of sells itself, am I right?

(song continues with lyrics in Portuguese)

♪ ♪

(song fades)

For what it's worth,
you designed the shit out of that condom.

It's one of the most amazing products
I'll ever have the pleasure to pitch.

(Elijah) Yeah.

Hey, Brad, uh...

don't patronize me.

We both know that that was supposed to be
a, uh, practice run.

Just a test. I was working out the kinks.

Oh, it had some kink. (chuckles softly)

What? It's a courtesy buffet.

(humming "We Built This City")

Are you humming "We Built This City"?

Yep.

I do it because I'm not good
at swallowing pills, so it's like...

When my throat's closing up,
I just sing a little ditty and...

it goes down, distracted.

(gulps) Ah, that...

Ooh.

You do understand that this is my product?

It's mine. It came from my brain.

I should be the one showcasing it.

Uh... not sure if I like that.

There's no "me" in "team."

It's, like, half the word.

Facts are facts.

There is no better designer
than you, Elijah,

but there's no better salesman than Brad.

So you see, put that together,
you're the perfect partners.

The steak... and the sizzle.

Yeah, no, that's how I see Brad.

He's all sizzle, no steak.

Opposites bring out
the best in each other.

Think...

Ben and Jerry
or chocolate and peanut butter.

-Michael and Fredo.
-(Burgess) There you go.

Okay, but which one am I?

(laughs) Oh, that's such a Fredo question.

Good morning, Senhor Santos,

and the rest of the esteemed
Brazilian Travel Ministry.

(in Portuguese) My name is Brad.
Brad Lewison.

(in English) But you,
call me Brad from Sales.

I understand you guys just heard
from Champ Condoms?

Ooh-ee.

Tough act to follow.

But where Regal Blue can't match Champ
in size and scale,

they cannot match us in paixão.

(Brad laughing)

(in Portuguese) I can only imagine,
as a man of Brazil,

you know all about passion.

-(chuckling)
-(in English) But sometimes

paixão can have unintended consequences.

We here at Regal Blue
are all about protecting

our most prized possession.

A pênis...

is a terrible thing
to expose to unwanted risk.

So, too, the vagina.

But they aren't the only valuables exposed
in a vigorous session of lovemaking.

I'm talking about the unwanted guests
at any passion party.

Os testículos.

Os testículos have long been transmitters

and/or receivers
of unwelcome contaminants.

They are little round super-spreaders.

-Until now.
-(in Portuguese) He's not wrong.

(in English) Introducing
a condom that covers

not only the shaft
and the head of the pênis

but also, thanks to our patented
latex satchel technology,

os testículos themselves.

And the precious genetic seed inside.

(laughter)

Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?

(Brad) Why indeed, Senhor Santos?

Why not allow Regal Blue to cup you
and yours at the next World Cup?

(applause and laughter)

(Santos) Impressive.

Very impressive.

Truly.

I have only one question.

This condom, what do you call it?

-Great--
-The Testicle Sentinel.

(low groaning, grumbling)

(low chatter)

-Mm.
-(Santos) I don't know.

Sounds a little, mm...

-clinical, eh?
-(murmured agreements)

Not too... not too sexy.

Which is why that working title
was replaced with...

...the Balls Up!

-(Santos laughs)
-(excited murmuring)

(in Portuguese) Now we're talking.

(in English) Little bolas de futebol
right there on the condom.

I love it. I love it so much.

Bom.

The official condom of Brasil 2025 is...

-...the Balls Up!
-(cheering)

-(laughing, exclaiming)
-♪ I wish that I could ♪

♪ change the weather ♪

(♪ Empire of the Sun sings
"Music on the Radio")

♪ Enjoy the sound of silence in my car ♪

♪ You-you-you-you can blame it
on N-E-R-D ♪

♪ You-you-you-you can blame it
on a tangerine dream ♪

♪ You-you-you-you can blame it
on a spaceman, blame it on snacky...

This is gonna be an amazing partnership,
Senhor Santos.

Please, call me Artur.

You got it, Artie.

Gentlemen, champagne.

"Champagna."

-How about a little toast?
-(Santos) No, no.

Not for me.

So sorry, but...

nine years in March.

You pussy.

(laughing) I'm kidding.

Hey, you got some catching up to do.

-(Elijah) Hey.
-(snaps fingers)

What do you got there?

Oh, this is an Abigail Breslin.

It's like a Shirley Temple
but double the grenadine.

How about have a real
fucking cocktail, huh?

We're cooking now.

Okay, I thought we were done cooking.

-Oh, no, I'm just getting cooking now.
-Oh.

Yeah.

-Please don't muck it up.
-Muck it up?

Were you not there this morning?

I was playing hero ball.

(laughs) You two are so good together.

You don't see it, but I do.

-Hey, Artie, one toast.
-(Santos) No, no, please.

-Please, no, no.
-(Brad) You know what?

-(Santos) No.
-As a tradition...

Look, I don't even want you to drink.

-Just a sniff.
-(sighs heavily)

To solidify the partnership.

(Santos) Right, sure.

Just a sniff.

-(glasses clinking)
-To you, Artie.

(hushed) Have a drink.

(sniffs deeply)

(moans) Oh.

(slurping)

Oh, that's a...

That-that's-that's not a sniff.

(laughing)

(inhales)

(in Portuguese) Fuck it.

-(lively crowd chatter)
-Opa!

-(♪ Zella Day sings "Golden")
-(laughing)

Wow.

(exhales)

(slurring in English) So, gentlemen.

What do you know about futebol?

Uh, uh, enough to realize
it's-it's awesome.

The-the chants, the-the sliding
on your knees when you score.

And that guy, he yells "goal" forever.

And at the end, orange slices.

It's a good game.

A game? A game?

No.

Futebol is science:

mathematics, physics, chemistry.

But also the humanities:

art, music, poetry.

It is also love, family...

-community.
-(Elijah sighs)

-It's a lot of things.
-I mean, what isn't it, really?

And so perfectly simple.

Twenty-two men, one ball

and no hands.

Oh.

-(slurping)
-Oh.

-(spits)
-(glass clatters and breaks)

-Goal...!
-(laughing)

And this guy.

This guy.

(Elijah) We call him the enabler.

You know what?

I'm going to make sure you're there
at the World Cup final.

-What?
-(Santos) Both of you.

The team behind Balls Up.

First-class travel.

VIP seats.

Wow.

-You've earned it.
-(phone beeps)

Thank you, Senhor Santos.

(Brad) Hey, Artie.
Let me ask you a question.

How well do you know el presidente?

-Lula?
-Yeah.

We've been friends for 40 years.

You know, I was... I was thinking maybe
we could pitch him the Balls Up, too.

Be the official condom of Brazil itself.
What do you think?

-Great idea.
-Huh?

Great idea.

Huh? And to celebrate...

another round or three.

-(Elijah) Oh.
-(laughing)

Maybe a round of waters.

Stay hydrated.

(hushed) You're gonna muck this up.

It's a little hiccup.
I'm gonna reel him back in.

-No, you're not.
-Yeah, I got it.

You know what I haven't done
in a muito long time?

-Skee-Ball?
-Crack.

(hushed) Crack?

I still know a guy.

(laughing)

(♪ Party Favor sings "FEELSx1000")

(blowing)

(blows)

(blows)

(inhales sharply, coughs)

♪ I just wanna feel...

The pulse of these speakers makes me hard

like diamonds.

-What? No.
-(laughing)

Hey, hey, hey, Senhor Santos.

I think you got to reel it in now.

-Check it.
-What?

No, no, no! Senhor Santos!

Handle your shit, okay?

♪ ♪

Oh, I'm handling my shit.

Who here wants a hot cup of c--

Opa! Whoa!

Oh, fuck.

Balls Up!

♪ ♪

(Burgess) I hired you two
to complement one another.

Shore up each other's weaknesses.

You who plays it too straight.

You who plays it too loose.

Two imperfect employees
who might just compensate

for each other's fucking shortcomings!

Um, I just want to make sure
that Steve is getting all this.

Steve from HR? No fucking way. Not today.

Today it's just us.

(Steve) Um, already here.

(Burgess sighs) Fucking hell.

This is about our client,

who, after a decade sober,
slammed 11 shots,

smoked a half ball of black rock,

pulled down his pantalones,

tried to put one of our condoms
over his penis...

And testicles.

...and jumped off
a fucking balcony buck naked.

-(Santos on video) Balls Up!
-(loud music playing)

(Brad) Wow.

Seven million views already?

There's no such thing as bad publicity.

What the fucking fuck?!

And one of those seven million views
was the--

and I'm not fucking with you--
president of Brazil,

who just this morning
promptly fired Santos.

Oh, that's too bad.

-And us.
-Us?

Any guesses what the official condom
of the host country

of the 2025 World Cup is now?

It's the Champ Ultra-Thin.

(sputtering) What?

Those things don't even come close
to covering the balls.

I can promise you this, boss.

-In the future, I--
-The future?

What are you talking about, bro?

Do you understand?
This company's ass is grass.

Consider this your exit interview,
which I'm now going to conduct

with the seriousness of a massive shit.

Fuck you both.

You're fired, effective immediately.

Me, too?

You, too!

(elevator bell dings)

Bosswoman Burgess was right.

You are a true salesman.

That suit you're wearing--
completely empty.

The only thing that Brad from Sales
cares about is himself.

What's wrong with self-care?

Uh, if I'm not good enough for me,
I'm not good enough for anyone.

Who the fuck else should I care about?

-(elevator bell dings)
-I'll tell you, you real--

Oh, perfect.

You could take a note or two
from this guy Raoul.

Okay? This selfless soul.

Hey, man, is that my box?

Bosswoman just shitcanned me, too.

You two jackfuckers just sank Regal Blue.

And my medical coverage.

You'll bounce back.

If I die now, for any reason,

that's on you guys.

(gasps)

(tires squealing in distance)

Adios forever...

slapper of backs, killer of dreams.

Hey, FYI, backslapping-- it's an art.

You can't just slap a back
and call it backslapping.

Wow. I want to hear your theory
on face slapping

'cause-'cause you're about
to get slapped in the face by me.

You're gonna slap me?

(Brad laughing)

Ow!

(Elijah laughs)

Nope.

(Brad mutters)

(yelps) Okay, okay, okay.

Let's...

I could drop the box
and we could do the whole dance,

but there is not enough Purell
in the world.

(chuckles) Please. You're the sweater.

You know, I'm gonna think of a comeback
and I'm gonna...

I'm gonna hit you on the way home.

-Yeah, I'll hold my breath.
-Expect a text.

Yeah.

(♪ Chicano Batman sings "Freedom Is Free")

♪ Nobody likes you, nobody cares ♪

♪ Nobody wants you, nobody dares ♪

♪ to extend a greeting,
a connecting glance ♪

♪ Life is just a jaded game to them ♪

-♪ They won't give it a chance ♪
-(knocking on door)

Hey.

♪ But you know and I know ♪

♪ that the galaxies are all around us ♪

-(sighs)
-♪ And life will flow on ♪

♪ as long as the grass grows
and the water runs ♪

♪ And while I'm here on Earth ♪

♪ I'll rejoice in its worth ♪

♪ 'Cause freedom is free ♪

♪ There's no amount of negativity
can put a dent in me, oh ♪

♪ Yeah...

(sighs)

♪ ♪

Holy shit.

(beeps)

(both) Oh, fuck me.

♪ ♪

(intercom chiming)

(song fades)

(sighs)

You, uh...

you good?

Fantastic.

Oh, yeah. Me, too.

(beeps, whirring)

Um...

Yeah, actually, couldn't be better.

You know, crazy,
these finals tickets, huh?

(Elijah laughs quietly)

Uh, probably bureaucracy.

Someone told someone in a department
to send out the tickets.

They forgot not to.

-Lucky us.
-Yeah, lucky us.

I mean, we were down big, now we're
up big, so we're up huge on the swing.

-The swing?
-The swing.

The swing is when you go from down to up
instead of, like, level to up.

It's double the distance,
so they call it the swing.

(♪ Zé Roberto sings "Lotus 72 D")

They don't call it the swing.

You do.

And it's dumb.

♪ ♪

(lively chattering)

(dog barking)

(song continues with lyrics in Portuguese)

-(crowd) Brasil! Brasil!
-(clapping rhythmically)

♪ ♪

(speaking Spanish)

What a spectacle.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, wherever
you're watching around the world,

welcome along to the World Cup final 2025.

(Elijah) However bad you've had it,
I've been worse.

Tudo bem?

What?

"How are you?"

-And get this, it also means "I'm fine."
-Oh, tudo bem.

-Yeah, so it's: Tudo bem? Tudo bem.
-(laughs)

Just one of the gems
from Contrails magazine.

(Elijah) That's funny. Check this out.

(beeps)

It's a translator app
but in the voice of Larry David.

Tudo bem? Tudo bem.

-(beeps)
-(Larry David) How are you? I'm fine.

-(both chuckling)
-Isn't that awesome?

(Brad) Time to gas up then.

Time to gas up. What is this?

-(Brad) Oh, they spelled "sales" wrong...
-(Elijah) I see that.

...on the first one,
so they had to give me...

a second one for free.

-Nice.
-One for you and one for me.

Very cool.

I am going to partake.

Just first want to...

...safeguard myself.

Over the last 39 days, 48 international
teams have been whittled down to just two:

the hometown heroes of Brazil
and their neighboring nemesis Argentina.

It's been four long years,
but our agonizing wait ends tonight.

(crowd chatter)

Mmm.

What?

So you have a little Brad from Sales
in you after all.

-I guess so.
-Yeah.

Bad Elijah.

He only appears every decade or so.

Kind of like a comet.

You think you know someone.

(Elijah) Ultra-Thin? Seriously?

That is an affront
to every prophylactic ever.

-(fireworks popping)
-(crowd cheering loudly)

(announcer speaking Portuguese
over speakers)

(loud cheering continues)

-What is this?
-Okay, it is loud!

It hasn't even started!

The moment has finally arrived,
the World Cup final.

Two of the sport's biggest rivals
playing off on the grandest stage.

The first time they've ever played
in a World Cup final.

-(whistle blowing)
-And off we go.

Argentina in their light blue and Brazil,
of course, in their canary yellow.

Kick that shit!

(♪ Ivete Sangalo sings
"Só Love na Cabeça" in Portuguese)

-(player grunts)
-(crowd exclaims)

♪ ♪

(crowd exclaiming)

♪ ♪

Mmm.

(Elijah) That should be our mascot.

Not some fucking hot dog.

It's not a hot dog.
It's a linguica, a Brazilian sausage.

(Elijah) Doesn't matt-- It should be ours.

I don't think they would've let the mascot
of the World Cup be a condom with balls.

I want to punch that dick
right in the dick.

Late in the first half here, very tense.

Still goalless, but maybe Argentina
can launch one final attack

as they look to take the lead.

Well, that's a nice move.

Now forward to Alberti.

He's got two defenders, and he's gone
through them like a slalom skier.

-Big chance for Argentina!
-No, no, no, no, no, no!

-Goal...!
-(crowd exclaiming, cheering)

(British announcer) They scored!
It's Alberti!

An incredible finish!

That is some bullshit!

Oh, my God.

Look at this.

Limp dick.

Hey, linguica!

Or should I say "limp-guiça"?

(laughing)

(crowd chanting in Portuguese)

(chanting continues) Brasil!

(crowd chanting)

(chanting continues) Brasil!

We are late in the second half here.

Argentina still up one-nil.

They're gonna be content now
to just sit back,

absorb the pressure
and try to gut out a win.

(players shouting)

(crowd cheering)

Time running out for the Seleção, though.

The 90 minutes are up.
We are into stoppage time.

He's got a defender coming
towards him and-- oh!

Hello. That was a bad challenge.

(in Portuguese) Kill the Argentines!

(Elijah in English) I-I get it now.

They're-they're...
they're, like, busting our balls.

-Who is?
-The Champ's guys

who put all-all the ads
and the sausage out there.

You know, just rubbing it in our faces.

(Brad) What are you talking about?

Do you not see that?

It looks like a huge cock out there,
laughing its ass off at us.

All right, stop it, all right?
Sometimes a sausage is just a sausage.

(Elijah) Come on.

It's a cock!

Oh, my God.
Now you're just being ridiculous.

Am I?

Wow, he's just dangling
his dick and balls in our faces.

Jamming his member
right into Jeremy's failing kidney.

All right, stop it, okay? This is madness.

If they really wanted to send a message,

they would've put a condom on the mascot.

As the clock ticks down,
the Brazilian fans can hardly watch.

Look at this. Leo the Linguiça's
even putting a rally cap on his head.

Oh, motherfucker!

-(crowd cheering)
-(Brad) Okay.

Okay, take-take it easy.

-(Elijah) He just looked right at us.
-(Brad) All right, calm down.

-Calm down.
-Shit balls.

It doesn't matter.
We're here, we're having fun.

(crowd cheering)

Oh, that's an outstanding save

-by the goalkeeper.
-Nice.

Catlike reflexes

in the Brazilian goal.

Perhaps with that goalkeeping takeout,

Brazil can now break out.

Hero ball.

(upbeat music playing)

No! Bad Elijah!

Here I come, sausage boy!

-(Elijah yells, grunts)
-(cheerleaders exclaiming)

Yeah, you like--

(yells)

Stop it! It's a linguica!

Oh, you... doing the worm?

♪ ♪

Bad Elijah! Bad!

The twinkle-toed Pereyra is weaving
his way through the Argentine defense

like a ballerina across the stage.

What's this,
the mascot and two fans on the field?

(British announcer) He's one-on-one
with the goalkeeper.

(Leo the Linguiça grunts)

-The goalkeeper goes down.
-(grunts)

It's gonna be a goal... No!

-(shocked exclaiming)
-(gasping)

(collective exclaiming)

(exclaiming echoing)

O quê?

What just happened?
This is absolute insanity.

(British announcer) Extraordinary.
What on earth

-has gone on here?
-(Brad) Shit.

Two fans have invaded the pitch

and prevented Brazil from scoring

an equalizer late on
in the World Cup final,

in the most ridiculous of circumstances.

Two idiots!

I've never seen anything like that
in my entire life.

(angry shouting)

Now the officials have got
a big decision to make here.

They're gonna need some help
from upstairs with this.

And I reckon, you know,
Brazil are gonna be out of luck.

(American announcer) The rule states,
when anything on the field--

whether it's a referee, an object,
an animal or a person-- interferes,

and I quote here, "Play must be restarted

from the position of the match ball,
without penalty."

-(shouting)
-(whistle blowing)

(British announcer) The referee is going
to apply the letter of the law.

Well, the Brazilians

are absolutely cooking
about that decision.

(American announcer) The entire country
of Brazil has been robbed.

(in Portuguese) Kill the Americans!

(chanting) Uh vai morrer!
Uh vai morrer! Uh vai morrer!

-(in English) What are they saying?
-(phone beeps)

(Larry David chanting) You're gonna die!

You're gonna die! You're gonna die!

Uh vai morrer! Uh vai morrer!
Uh vai morrer!

(Larry David) You're gonna die!
You're gonna die!

-I think he's just talking about you.
-Die, die, die!

Uh vai morrer! Uh vai morrer!
Uh vai morrer!

Calm down!

It's only a game!

-(whistle blowing)
-Uh vai morrer!

(American announcer) And there it is.

Argentina are the world champions
in the most improbable finish ever.

(♪ O Terno sing "atrás/além"
in Portuguese)

(groaning) Oh, no.

Oh, holy shit.

Oh, man.

Are we in hell?

Not far from.

This is all your fault,
running onto that field.

Please, we would still have our jobs
if it weren't for you.

That should be our condom mascot.

It wasn't a condom mascot.

How many fucking times
do I have to tell you, it was a linguica!

(exhales) Okay.

Okay, don't panic.

Oh, I'm not. That was midnight to 3:00.

There you go, thinking only of yourself.

I was talking to me.

(guard) Bom dia.

-(Antonia) Bom dia. Obrigado.
-(guard speaks indistinctly)

(upbeat music playing)

Obrigado. Bom dia.

-Bom dia.
-Bom dia.

-Good morning.
-Hi.

Antonia Costa.

The best public defender in all of Brazil.

(gasps)

That's what Veja magazine will call me
when I win this,

the "Trial of the Century."

I've never lost a case.

Of course, I've never won a case,
but still, undefeated.

W-- This is your first case?

This is my first day!

You know, the new girl
drew the short straw.

Shit flows downhill, so I'm here.

Shit? What...
what-what are we in that metaphor?

(in Portuguese) I can't believe you're
going to represent these animals.

(in English) You would do this
to your own country?

(Elijah) Pardon me, sir,

but you shouldn't be listening to this.

So let's just tap into
that youthful enthusiasm, huh?

What-what's your plan?

Okay, so here's what we're gonna do.

-If I may, I was prelaw at Penn.
-State.

(Elijah) P-- State. Penn State.
You didn't let me finish.

My mother thought
that I was going to be an attorney.

Ever the contrarian, I'm not.

But I do recall

a certain
U.S. v. Humberto Alvarez-Machain.

Oh, and I think I recall a certain,
uh, Judge Joe Brown case

-"Shrimpin' Ain't Easy." So what?
-(Antonia) Excuse me.

Just two minutes alone with them, please.

Can you just...

We're getting the death sentence,
aren't we?

(guard) Yes.

After we torture you.

Again, why-why does he keep butting in?

No one asked for your opinion,
von Frankenstein.

Look, forget about him.

I took the oath:

"I am the light that dispels
the darkness of injustice."

No matter the terrible cost.

"No matter the te--"
What te-- I'm sorry, what terrible cost?

You're-you're a public defender.

Uh, yeah, but still, after this,

for sure I'll never be able
to walk down the street again.

Shop for groceries, use a public restroom.

My mother will be ostracized at church.

My brothers will be bullied at school.

-Yikes.
-(Antonia) But that doesn't matter.

I have a good plan
to get you guys out of here.

Hold it right there.

Consider this your exit interview,
Antonia Costas.

Wait, what are you doing?

Thinking of someone other than myself.

You and I have hurt too many people.

You're fired!

-What? No.
-No.

Go. Go and buy your groceries,

and use a public restroom, if you have to.

If-- maybe line the toilet seat
with paper.

You're misunderstanding everything.

Just go.

We'll figure it out.

(in Portuguese) No chance
they're figuring it out.

(in English) Uh, excuse me.

I'm their lawyer, I have the right
to speak to them in private,

so if you could just step out, please.

You're not their lawyer.
They just fired you.

'Cause they haven't heard my plan yet.

(in Portuguese) Get out. Out!

(in English) Guys, guys, unfire me.

Can I just leave my number?

Guys, you're not understanding
the gravity of this situation.

Nice move, shit-brains--
you just fired our only hope.

I'm not going to ruin that girl's life.

Yeah, and someday you're going to learn
that no good deed goes unpunished.

I'll take it from here.

Senhor DeBell, Senhor Lewison...

(in Portuguese) The Stupids.

(intriguing music playing)

(elevator bell dings)

(music fades)

Now it's up to you, sir.

Brad. Elijah.

(in English) We know, "Os Estúpidos."

Ah, no, no.

Pay no attention to such vulgarities.

I am Jessel Cristos, Minister of Defense.

-The Minister of Defense?
-(elevator bell dings)

-Jesus Christ.
-(sighs)

I came straight from my jog.

My business, my mission,
is the security of our great country

and everyone in it.

Which is why I came in early this morning,

to ensure nothing unjust happens to you.

(sighs heavily) Oh, yeah.

Please.

-Very kind of you.
-(mysterious music playing)

(music intensifies)

-(music stops)
-Come in, guys.

You're Americans. I must ask you,

do you understand how much hatred we have
for our futebol rivals to the south?

My kid...

started to root for Argentina.

Little rebellion.

We haven't spoken since.

Well, teenagers can be very difficult.

The child was only nine.

Look, it was Elijah
who ran onto that field.

-Oh...
-The pitch, the pitch.

He ran on the fucking pitch.

-Selfish.
-I told him to stop. He was drunk.

(in Portuguese) Shut the fuck up!

Enough of your nonsense!

(chuckling)

(in English) The fear in your eyes.

You must think I'm some sort
of corrupt, tin-pot martinet,

capable of committing
whimsical violence with total impunity.

I'm sorry. Yeah.

Contrary to your ugly
culturalist misconceptions,

I'm not going to chop off your hand

or throw you in some dungeon.

Or consider Venmo?

Or accept some paltry bribe.

What I am going to do instead...

is let you go.

-(Cristos chuckling)
-You're gonna...

(Elijah breathing heavily, laughs)

(sighs)

Here.

Door's unlocked.

Same elevator you rode up.

Go down to the lobby, then go straight,
double doors right to the street.

Really? I cannot thank you enough.

-You are so kind and compassionate.
-(Cristos chuckling)

Thank you.

-(elevator bell dings)
-(mellow music playing over speakers)

(sighs) I did not expect him
to be that nice.

He really was like Jesus, very forgiving.

Forgiving?

Are you kidding me?
Do you not see what just happened?

He is throwing us to the wolves.

What we needed
was some sort of, like, police escort.

You know, armed guards
taking us to a flight.

What we got was the streets.

-Holy shit.
-The streets of Brazil.

You're right,
and they're gonna recognize us.

I don't have one of those
everyday faces like you.

No, not in Brazil you don't.

Okay. All right, you know what,
don't freak out.

Crowds are like dogs-- they smell fear,

-so you got to relax, act natural.
-Mm-hmm.

Just smile, nod and tudo bem.

-Okay?
-Tudo bem.

-Keep it on the low.
-Yeah.

-Come on.
-(elevator bell dings)

-(people chattering, laughing)
-(upbeat music playing)

Oh, shit. Oh, God.

Come on.

(laughs nervously)

I don't know how long
I can keep this smile going.

-(quiet chatter)
-(Brad) Will you fucking come on.

-(grunts)
-Oh, my God.

-Sorry.
-Everybody's looking at us.

Oh, God.

Where are we even going?

-I don't know.
-Oh, that's reassuring.

(Brad) Oh, my God.

Shit, my phone.

-Let it go.
-What?

I still have 18 months of payments.

-You didn't buy it outright?
-No.

I spread it out, okay?
Sounded like a good decision at the time.

Oh, I think that's how they get you.

(quiet conversation)

(intriguing music playing)

(in Portuguese) The Stupids!

(onlooker) Americanos.

(crowd chatter)

(in English) Oh, shit.

(upbeat dramatic music playing)

Go!

(angry shouting)

Oh, God.

Fuck.

Come on.

(angry shouting)

They're still coming.

"They" who?

"They" Brazil.

(engine revving)

-(tires screeching)
-(Santos) Get in!

Senhor Santos, what are you doing?

Handling my shit.

(angry shouting in Portuguese)

(engine revving, tires screeching)

(angry shouting continues)

(♪ Jonathan Richman sings
"Papel de Chicle" in Portuguese)

♪ ♪

(horns honking)

-You look amazing, Artie.
-(song continues over radio)

I went on a two-month bender,
but now I'm 23 days sober.

I must thank you.

You two gave me quite the wake-up call.

-(chuckling)
-(Brad) Huh.

Thank God everything's okay.

I mean, sure, my wife left me.

The courts took away my house and my kids.

I lost my job, my pension.

My dignity.

And that's not even getting into
my withdrawal symptoms.

It's not the bugs on my skin.
It's the bugs under my skin.

Why are you here?
Why-why are you doing this for us?

The 12 Steps of Recovery.

This is number nine.

-Aiding and abetting?
-Amends.

So what's the plan?

Don't look at me.

I've been in a pretty bad
brain fog lately.

Did I mention that they had to shock my
prefrontal cortex to stem the addiction?

So... awaiting your thoughts.

Look, Artie, you've been friends
with el presidente forever.

Can't you guys just make up?

Oh, no, no, no,
he's the most Brazilian person in Brazil.

Well, who the fuck in Brazil
isn't Brazilian?

Oh! (snaps fingers) The U. S. Consulate.

-Genius.
-Diplomatic immunity.

-(Elijah exhales)
-Hold on to your hats.

(engine revving)

-(tires screeching)
-Shit.

-Ow.
-(engine sputters, stops)

Learn how to drive, asshole.

-(speaking Portuguese)
-(♪ Barbatuques sings "Baianá")

Or don't learn. You're good.

-(guns clicking)
-No, you're fine.

-(shouting in Portuguese)
-(people screaming)

Fuck.

(bangs on roof)

(Brad) Hola.

Uh, c-could you point us
to the ambassador, please?

I don't think he speaks English.

Let me handle it.

Uh, tudo bem?

(song continues with lyrics in Portuguese)

♪ ♪

-(song ends)
-Gentlemen...

...I'm going to ask you a simple question.

If you get it wrong...

I'm going to blow your head off.

(Brad breathing heavily)

Here's the question.

(speaking gibberish
with Portuguese accent)

Is the answer yaysh or naow?

Uh, uh, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry,
I wasn't completely able to understand.

Uh, uh, could you, could you repeat
the question, please?

(speaking gibberish
with Portuguese accent)

(Elijah mouthing)

(gibberish continues)

So is the answer yaysh or naow?

(sighs heavily)

Uh...

D-Did you say "regout"?

What?

What is "regout"?

Bregout.

The English word "bregout."

Could... could you use it in a sentence?

(sets glasses on table)

It is very bregout.

(laughs weakly)

So what's the answer?

Yaysh or naow? You first.

Um... I-I'm going to say yaysh.

What... what is yaysh?

You said-- (stammering)

I-- I'm sorry.

(laughs) I thought you said
"yaysh or naow," and...

Hmm.

I-I'm gonna go naow.

You chose to answer different
from your friend.

That means one of you...

...is gonna die.

Because...

I am...

...fucking with you!

(laughter)

You think I speak like that,
"yaysh or naow"?

I learned really good English
at University of Mississippi.

-Oh, go Rebels.
-Oh, Rebels.

Ole Miss, yeah.

I think the big alumnus from there
is, uh... (sniffs)

-...Peyton Manning, right?
-Eli.

Oh, you know Eli?
Yeah, my brother-in-law met him

a couple times, didn't get along.

Yeah, yeah, I heard,
I heard Eli's a little tricky.

Fuck that guy.

-Bradley. Elijah.
-Yeah, Brad.

I am Pavio Curto Bundchen.

And these 300 square miles
of jungle is my home.

Three hundred miles. How long was I out?

Half a day. You're gonna need an MRI
if we ever get home.

You see, uh, this house, this cartel,

this whole country-- there is nothing
in Brazil that I could not have.

Including you two.

If I wanted,
I could shoot three bullets in your dicks,

take a machete, pull them out,
load them back into my gun

and shoot them in your brains.

If I had one request,
just make mine brain, then dick.

I mean, once you've hit brain,
you can go to town on dick.

Okay.

I'm gonna go dick first.

I mean, it's not great,
but at least I won't be dead.

No brains or dicks today.

You may be wondering why
I "kitchsnapped" you.

Yeah.

Elijah, I'm sure he's got his reasons.
Read the room.

Speaking of rooms, this is beautiful.

-I mean, the whole place is just stunning.
-Natural light.

You should've seen this place before.

It was a shithole--

rainforest as far as the eye could see

with indigenous people
shitting on the floor.

So I drove them out,

I burned down 100,000 acres,

I put in a pool, a pickleball court,

and-- how you call it-- a mass gravy?

Mass grave. Yeah, that's what we call it.

(quietly) ♪ Here comes that rainy day
feeling again ♪♪

Is it too warm?

Is it...? No. No, I'm fine.

No, no, no, you're sweating.

I'm such a terrible host.

We had the problem with the AC,
so I asked Nando over here

-to fix it.
-Hmm?

But I guess he didn't really manage
to complete the job.

(grunts)

-(body thuds)
-(tense music playing)

(Pavio) Forgive me.

Undercover polícia.

At least he was giving off that vibe
for the last few years.

Although, to be fair, I have sometimes
confused the undercover polícia vibe

for the holding in a poo vibe

because it's a very similar face.

Take him away.

The mass grave?

No, lazy river. Of course the mass grave!

(boots squeaking on floor)

Let-let me be the one to-to start, um,
a three-part apology.

We-we... never would've done what we did

had we known how much
you guys care about futebol.

(Pavio) You think I care about futebol?

I don't give 15 shits about futebol.

(hushed) In fact, I hate it.

It's a stupid game.

Have you ever walked into a bar
and seen a goal scored live?

It's always a highlight.

That's how rare these fucking goals are.

And don't get me started
about the flopping.

Grown men making delicate nudges look
like they've been shot with a bazooka.

Finally someone who gets it.

But here's the problem.

However much I hate futebol

is equal to how much I love money.

I'm not materialistic.

I don't love money.
I just love the things that it can buy

-and the way you can control people.
-Yeah.

Which is why, even though I hate futebol,

I put a little, big, huge bet
on the World Cup final.

Um, um, how much money did you--
we cause you to lose?

How much did I lose?

I fucking won!

-(laughter)
-I bet the under!

Brazil's shot goes in,
I would've been 30 million reais down.

Instead, I'm 30 million up.

That's 60 million reais on the swing.

-The swing.
-(Pavio) The swing is,

how do you explain it,
when you go from the down to the up.

No, no, I know.
He thinks the swing is dumb.

(Elijah) I'm-I'm coming around
on the swing now.

I-- The swing has swung.

(Pavio) The swing is so big this time,

all thanks to you two motherfuckers.

So glad we could help.

Um, uh, what-what, uh,
Senhor Pavio Curto, um...

Please-please-please, call me Curt.

-Curt?
-Curt.

Curt, um, just so I understand,
you kidnapped us to...?

-To party!
-(gunshot)

("In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
karaoke track playing)

-(henchman) ♪ In-a-gadda-da-vida, honey ♪
-(snorting)

(laughing)

♪ Don't you know that I'm loving you? ♪

♪ In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby...

So, anyone?

Anyone. Just say their name
and I kill them.

-(exhales)
-My gift to you, gordinho.

Oh, gosh, I got to think about that. Um...

Oh, Bosswoman Burgess, uh...

Wait, my doctor.

-Your doctor?
-Yeah.

-What a judgmental prick this guy is.
-Hmm.

So Doctor who?

No, do not take this down.

This is-- I'm just reading
the menu aloud. I'm not ordering.

-Anyone else?
-Brad!

Brad.

Hey.

How nice of Curt to let us shower,
loan us these cool duds.

-Look at this shit.
-Yeah, that's great, man. Look at the TV.

In unusual but unsurprising news,

two Americans
running amok in another country.

Brad Lewison and Elijah DeBell,

former employees of the now defunct
Regal Blue Condom Company.

Oh, I couldn't believe it when I saw it.

Are you kidding me?

I mean, Brad, yes, of course,
it was just a matter of time.

But Elijah, now, that...

-I don't want to watch this shit.
-...was really out of character for him.

...have an opinion on what's been dubbed
the Fiasco in Rio.

Frankly...

I-I'm embarrassed.

I mean, think about all the good the USA
has done for South America--

the war on drugs,
how the CIA ran their elections--

and all that good is gone now,
evacuated into thin air,

all because of these two a-holes.

But the anger Americans are feeling

pales to the outrage that has swept across
the fifth-largest country in the world.

(in Portuguese) If I got a chance,

I would kill those guys!

It's only a matter of time!

And they will be dead!

(reporter in English) What is
an embarrassment for America

has become a tragedy for Brazil.

Back to you, Alexi, in the studio.

All of soccer-obsessed Brazil
is now hunting Lewison and DeBell.

-Okay.
-Two thoughtless Americans...

Blah, blah, blah.

Everybody in Brazil want to punish you.

Not while I'm still alive.

-See?
-More champagne!

-You're the best, Curt.
-Thank you.

We're safe here with him.

-Relax. Relax.
-Yeah, we're fine. Champagne's the answer.

-Oh, hey. Hi.
-Hi.

You're the Americano.

Yeah.

You like karaoke?

Okey dokey.

How about titties?

A little bitty. Are these trick questions?

(moaning)

(speaking Portuguese)

(laughing)

Will you sing me a song, gatinho?

Um, I don't know. I don't really...

Please.

-Well, no.
-Entertain me.

-(laughs) I don't really sing karaoke.
-Just, just one s-- one song.

I don't sing karaoke.

Sing me a fucking song, dude.

-("Somebody That I Used to Know" playing)
-♪ But you didn't have to cut me off ♪

♪ make out like it never happened
and that we were nothing ♪

♪ And I don't even need your love ♪

♪ Now you're just somebody
that I used to know ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Now and then, I think of all the times
you screwed me over ♪

♪ but had me believing
it was always something that I'd done ♪

♪ And I don't wanna live that way ♪

♪ reading into every word you say ♪

♪ You said that you could let it go ♪

♪ and I wouldn't catch you hung up
on somebody that you used to know ♪

♪ But you didn't have to cut me off ♪

♪ make out like it never happened
and that we were nothing ♪

-♪ And I don't even need your love ♪
-(vocalizing)

♪ Treat me like a stranger,
and that feels so ♪♪

-(song ends)
-(cheering, whistling)

(Pavio) Bravo. So charming!

I love you two!

You are geniuses.

And now I want to reward you
with anything you want

in the whole wide world, just name it.

Can we go home?

Almost anything.

You can never leave here.

I mean, you've seen
how Brazil reacts to you.

It's too risky.

Is there anything else?

I got something.

And we call it the Testicle Sent--

the Balls Up.

Okay. Call it Balls Up.

Sorry.

Why'd nobody ever
thought about this before?

You know, Elijah...

...I never pictured myself
in the condom business.

It's kind of a seedy industry.

I'd have to tell my mother I was...

dealing in meth,

but... (speaks Portuguese)

-That means I'm in.
-You're in?

You're-- (laughing)

Hero ball.

(in Portuguese) It's about fucking time!

So much-needed protection

for my exposed testicles.

(in English) I couldn't care less
about your testículos.

But imagine how much cocaína
we can stuff into these condoms

that we can swallow and smuggle.

Wow, you'd kill.

I mean, these would be big
cocaína sausages with meatballs.

This could transform the industry.

Let's just see if it's as durable
as you say, okay?

(♪ Adanowsky sings
"Vagabundos de Otro Mundo")

Quick question.

What if I have a really strong gag reflex?

Well, maybe I decide that this condom
wasn't fit for such use

and that you have wasted mine
and my family's time

and that perhaps I should make a futebol
out of your two cheeks. (blows sharply)

I appreciate your honesty.

(hushed) Just one gulp.

Mm, yeah, just swallow it whole.

Come on, you know I have the throat thing
where it closes up.

Well, for God sakes, don't chew it.

(takes deep breath)

(Pavio) Beautiful.

Lovely technique.

Well, those exercises worked.

(gulping)

(exhales)

(gulping)

Guessing this isn't you guys'
first rodeo, huh?

Get it down.

Mm.

(muffled) ♪ We built this city ♪

♪ We built this city on rock and roll ♪♪

-(henchman) Is that...
-(gags)

Jefferson Starship?

(gags, coughs)

Just Starship.

-They dropped the "Jefferson."
-Did they?

Is there a problem? Do you want some, uh,
Tabasco on it or something?

It's-it's too tasteless.

It's not the flavor so much.

It's more that it's a whole penis
and balls full of cocaine

that could choke me to death.

I fully understand.

(speaks indistinctly)

(sighs)

("Vagabundos de Otro Mundo" continues
with lyrics in Spanish)

(grunting)

(coughing)

♪ ♪

(Brad grunting)

(coughs)

(gags)

(muffled singing of "We Built This City")

(gulping, grunts)

(panting) I got it.

-Bravo!
-(laughing)

-(Emilia) Yes! (laughs)
-What?

(Brad laughing)

-Let's go back to the party, gatinho.
-How'd you get it down?

-Hey, Brad, how'd you get it down?
-(Emilia) Bye.

-It's easy, just suck it down.
-Go back to the party.

(Pavio) Enjoy my cartel.

Those two... those two crazy kids.

Beautiful determination.

This sucks, man.

Time out. I'm sorry.

Is that Gisele?

What's, uh, what's the story on Gisele?

Is she another one of your conquests?

Why would I want to make a conquest
of my sister?

Gisele i--

She's your sister?

Pavio Curto Bundchen.

Gisele Bundchen.

-Wow.
-At the family gatherings,

everyone would say that I was going
to go and be the supermodel

and that she would be the cartel leader.

Our father said that one of us
had to go to university

to study cocaine dealing.

Being the eldest...

...I did the honorable thing.

I gave up my dream
so that she could follow hers.

Sure, she did fine,

but I could've been better.

I could've brought the world together...

...in desire for me.

But she always craved attention.

I mean, even today,
she surrounds herself with yes-men.

-Isn't that right, men?
-(others) Yes.

Hey, boss.

-Show him.
-Yes.

No, no, no.

-Show him.
-No, he doesn't want to see it.

Show him.

No, no, he's not interested.

I'm interested. This can wait.

He needs to see.

(Elijah) Please, Curt.

Dois minutos. Stay right there.

(others cheering, laughing)

(gentle music playing)

Actually not feeling too sexy.

Kind of bloated from that coke cock.

Mm, too bad.

I've always wanted
to fuck the dick off an American.

Can we... can we stop just short of that?

Mm...

(♪ Ruxell & Repow play "Mão No Chão")

You st-still got it.

I could've been the greatest!

Yep.

You got three seconds to swallow.

When you put it like that.

♪ ♪

(grunting)

(gulps)

(laughing)

(grunts)

That's interesting-- balls first.

I wouldn't have expected that.

I figured if you get the balls down first,
then everything else will follow.

To Balls Up!

-(others) Balls Up!
-(laughter)

(♪ Tim Maia sings "Do Leme ao Pontal")

Elijah, a question.

I can see the resemblance now.

At least in the hair, right?

Have you seen your friend?

Brad? No. Uh, he went off with some...

That woman he left with? Emilia?

Yeah.

That's Pavio Curto's wife.

(muffled snorting) That's his wife?

See, my boss, he has had a lot of sex.

Like, a lot.

So much sex,
it no longer get exciting for him.

So, in order to get him going,

Emilia, she find another man,

-seduces him...
-Yeah.

-...then Pavio Curto catches her...
-(Elijah) Oh.

...gets all mad, and...

those two go have sex
while we torture the other man to death

using a broken cachaça bottle up the ass.

It-it's a whole thing.

It's, uh, it's a whole thing.

I-- Guys, give me one minute.

-(Brad) Toys?
-Oh, you're gonna love this, Brad.

-I don't know about that.
-(Elijah) Brad, hey.

(Brad) Oh, hey, Lij.

Give me a Balls Up from
the bottomless fanny pack of yours.

I need you to get off the bed,
get the woman off of you right now.

-Emilia!
-(Emilia screaming)

(shouting in Portuguese)

Is this Americano taking advantage of you?

Yes. Yes, he was.

(Brad) What? No, no, quite the contrary.

She was trying to fuck my dick off.

Brad, Brad, Brad.

We all know what happens now.

Actually, I don't.

Uh, you do?

What the...? (grunts in pain)

This is, this is just a misunderstanding.

I got confused
when you said enjoy the cartel.

I-I thought you meant her.

What, you thought I meant to take
the woman who's married to me

and try and put your pinto
in her... (speaks gibberish)?

Well, I-I didn't know
you guys were married.

-I mean, she's, uh, she's very friendly.
-Yeah--

Yeah, she is very friendly.

That's our nature. That's Brazil.

Her ex-husband is not even decomposed
in the mass gravy.

My dear husband,

how will you avenge my honor?

(sighs, mutters)

I was thinking a little bit of murder.

Are you as turned on as I am?

(speaking gibberish in Portuguese accent)

-(breathing heavily)
-(Elijah) Wait a minute.

Time out.
I thought we were all friends here.

Davi, Benicio,
you're just not gonna say anything?

No, you're not my friend,
you piece of shit.

I grew up in a futebol-loving family.

(laughing) I'm sorry.

Seriously, for the thousandth time,

it's only a game!

Yeah, one you're about to lose. Kill them.

Okay, fuck-boy, prepare to die.

-It's time for analismo.
-(tense music playing)

Gentlemen, please put him in position.

-(gunshot)
-(Brad gasps)

(shocked exclaiming)

(shouting in Portuguese)

(automatic gunfire)

(shouting)

(cries out)

(grunting)

-(gunfire continues)
-(panicked screaming)

(gunfire continues)

What?

(weakly) It must have been
the rival Cardosa cartel.

They will not stop
until they kill everyone.

Please, shoot them in the dicks for me.

All right, we'll-we'll...
we'll do our absolute best.

Kiss me.

Huh?

Kiss me.

What?

No, no, no, no.

Don't you dare let go.

Don't you die on us, Curt. Stay here.

Right here! Right here!

(gunfire continues)

I don't know why I said that.

This is the best thing
that could've happened to us.

Yeah, we need to get the fuck out of here.
Now. Come on.

(♪ The Fortunes sing
"Here Comes That Rainy Day Feeling Again")

(Brad) Okay.

(Elijah grunts)

-♪ Here comes that rainy day ♪
-(gunfire continues)

-♪ feeling again ♪
-(henchman grunts)

(gunfire continues)

(panicked screaming)

♪ And soon my tears
they will be falling like rain ♪

(Elijah grunting, yelling)

♪ It always seems to be a Monday ♪

(screaming)

♪ Leftover memories of Sunday...

-Oh, fuck.
-Come on. Come on.

Careful you don't fall into
the mass grave.

♪ Before the clouds appeared ♪

♪ and took away my sunshine ♪

♪ Here comes that rainy day
feeling again ♪

♪ ♪

I think they just called our group.

♪ And I'll be dreaming of you, baby,
in vain ♪

♪ Bah-bah, bah-bah ♪

Come on.

♪ It always seems to be a Monday ♪

-♪ Leftover memories of Sunday ♪
-Oh, fuck. God.

♪ always spent...

Oh, my God.

There's got to be a hundred million
dollars' worth of cocaine in this truck.

Yeah, about five mil in our stomachs.

Right now, intestines.
You're not feeling that?

-(automatic gunfire)
-Oh, no.

(in Portuguese) Come on! Let's go!

(Emilia and henchmen shouting)

-(tires squealing)
-(bullets ricocheting)

(Elijah in English) Oh, my God.

I'm inhaling coke.

(crying) I've never done a drug
in my life.

(henchman in Portuguese) Murphy's Law.

He finally lets us invite
a few bikini girls

to a party and--

Hey, is your stomach hurting?

It's probably that artichoke dip.

No. Wait. The cocaine!

The cocaine!

Holy shit.

Not only do you have a dick inside you,

but two ballbags too.

All thanks to those Americans.

(in English) What are they saying?
What the fuck's going on?

-Okay, wait.
-(beeps)

(Emilia speaking Portuguese)

(Larry David) My husband
let down his guard,

and now he's dead,
thanks to those dumb motherfuckers.

(henchman speaking Portuguese)

(Larry David) I'd like to chop them
into little pieces

and eat them like peanuts
all the way to Paraguay.

(in Portuguese) The tall one, "Brad"?

(in English) What an empty suit.

(in Portuguese) He thought
he actually had a chance with me.

(Larry David in English) Zero chemistry.

It was like being motorboated

-by your brother.
-What?

(in Portuguese) He got lucky.

(Larry David in English) Two more minutes,
he'd have been tortured to death

with a broken bottle in his shithole.

Ah, Elijah...

(in Portuguese) He has
such small-dick energy.

-(laughing)
-So neurotic.

(Larry David chuckles,
in English) Actually, I, uh,

I really, I shouldn't make fun.

OCD is sad.

Let's-- We can stop.

-Give me this. Are you fucking--
-Why are you...?

-(grunts)
-(clattering)

(speaking Portuguese)

(Larry David) What the hell was that?

(speaking Portuguese)

(loud crashing)

-(steam hissing)
-(Elijah groaning)

(Brad) You all right?

(Elijah straining) I got...
I got the wind knocked out of me.

-(Brad groans)
-(Elijah) Are you okay?

(Brad) Yeah. Yeah.

(Elijah) Shit, I can't find my phone.

(Brad) Oh, I got it.

-I got it in the thing.
-(Elijah) What? Oh, God.

Thank you.

(Elijah groaning)

(Brad coughing)

(Brad grunts) Oh, God.

(Brad breathing heavily)

-Shit.
-Wow, that hurt.

-(Elijah groaning)
-Be quiet.

You know what?

I actually feel pretty good.

That's the coke.

(Elijah) Oh.

(Brad) Oh, my God.

Should we say a prayer?

For who?

For the horny killers who tried to kill us
and are still gonna get us killed

-if we wait here for the other killers?
-Oh, right.

I'll say something for them later.

All right, come on. Let's get going.

(Elijah sighs)

(Brad groans)

-What the fuck? Ow, shit.
-What?

-My-my leg is fucked up.
-No, no, no.

Come on, we got to go, man.
We're in the middle of the jungle.

-Holy shit.
-What?

Uh...

Nothing. Just don't look down.

-Now all I want to do is look down.
-I know, but don't--

Oh, my God, my knee.

You know what my grandmother says
in a moment like this?

Just fix my knee
before the booger sugar wears off.

-Please.
-Yeah, you're right.

Sorry.

Hey, before I do this,
I just want to say...

Brad...

I love you, man.

Yeah, that's just
the fucking coke talking.

I love you, too. Now get the knee.

-Fucking what the fuck?
-You just say that because you're high?

-'Cause I'm not just saying it.
-The knee.

All right, the knee.

-Y'all ready for this?
-It's the other one.

Oh. Absolutely.

Is it lefty loosey, righty tighty?

-I don't think it works like-- Oh, my God!
-(cracking)

Oh, shit. Oh, my God.

I fixed that shit.

Tudo bem.

-Eh, tudo bem. Tudo bem.
-Oh, my God.

-Oh, you fixed my knee.
-(giggles, growls playfully)

-Thank you. Thank you.
-(zipper opening)

So...

Love you, too.

What?

(laughs) I know what this looks like.

Okay, now, careful.
Just see if it... works.

Yeah.

-You all right?
-Oh.

-It's genius.
-Oh!

Good. I'm glad.

Now, to get us out of the jungle...

No bars. Okay, so no GPS.

But we do know
that they were driving west to Paraguay.

The sun rises in the east, so--

No, I think it's backwards
below the equator.

No, you couldn't be more wrong.

So what we have to do is we need to walk
with our backs toward the morning light...

and then run until we get to Paraguay.

Okay. All right.

(to the tune of "Celebration")
♪ Paraguay good times, come on ♪

(scatting)

♪ It's a Paraguaytion ♪♪

(Brad grunts) You think
we're making good progress?

No. No, I don't.

And without bricks of cocaine,

-I'm starting to realize...
-Don't say it.

-...we are super fucked.
-I said don't!

That's crazy to think about.

It's ironic, you know.

I used to fear that the rainforest
was gonna be chopped down.

Now I'm starting to think
they didn't chop it down fast enough.

You know what?

I remember you ruining a lunch or two
with that bullshit rainforest thing.

Am I spoiling your good time, Brad?

No, no, you know what?
I used to think Steve was the fun police.

But it's not. It's you.

It's been you the whole time.

Dude, when people laugh,
they're not laughing with you.

They're laughing at you.

Did it ever occur to you that "from Sales"
might be a pejorative?

(laughs quietly)

You know what? Maybe they do laugh at me,

but they roll their eyes at you.

All your "No one's up to my standards,"
"I arrived early,"

"I left late,"
"I wiped down the microwave,"

"I kissed everybody's ass."

How'd that work out for you, huh?

So all that nice stuff you said
back there, that was just, what?

I told you, that was cocaine. Okay?

And speaking of which...

we're gonna need some more yeyo
if we want to survive.

No, I'm not doing more blow.

Really? So where are we gonna get
the energy we need to get out of here?

-(snorting)
-Just nor-- Don't snort me!

You want energy?
Just use normal, real-life energy.

Normal energy is gonna run out.

I mean, unless you got, like, what,
a leg of lamb you're not telling me about,

we're gonna need some blow, okay?

-(stomach grumbling)
-(pained groaning)

I think I know where we can get some.

Oh. Oh, no.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, do me a favor.
Just take it over there, would you?

Yeah, no problem.

-And, Brad?
-What?

What we're about to do, we never speak of.

Relax. We're just taking a dump, okay?

I may need your help.

-Yeah, that goes to the grave.
-(♪ Lloyd Cole sings "Brazil")

♪ I hear they have
the good drugs in Brazil...

I don't think I can do it.

(Brad) Me, either.

Though they did come out sparkling clean.

(snorts) That's actually by design.

Yeah, the, uh,
patented latex blend we use,

it deflects any kind of contaminant,
especially fecal matter.

You really are good with shit.

Yeah.

Me and my shit.

People, that's another story.

Well, at least you care about people.

That's more than I can say about me.

I don't feel like I have ever fully fit in
with any group of people anywhere.

That's what I admire about you.

You don't try to fit in.

I mean, you're hated
and you're fine with it.

-I'm not hated.
-Yeah, you are.

Look, it's a compliment.

It means you have a strong ego,
you're just you.

Me, I'm all fucking smiles and backslaps.

Fucking golf tan
with a social security card.

Yeah, Brad from Sales.

They'll put that on my gravestone.

For the record,
you are very good at what you do.

Also, I don't think
we're gonna get gravestones.

(low rumbling growl)

(both) Holy shit!

(growling)

He just ate both of the coke condoms.

Thank God there wasn't poop on them.
He'd be sick as a dog.

Oh, fuck me, did you not see Cocaine Bear?

I don't want to see a crocodile gacked
out of its gourd on Brazilian blow.

I think it's an alligator.

Does it really matter
when it's about to eat us?

-Right, right.
-(growls)

Oh, shit, it's gonna charge us.

-(hissing growl)
-(Brad and Elijah whimpering)

(groaning)

(Brad and Elijah panting, whimpering)

(squelching)

Did it... did it die?

I-I think I heard its heart explode.

Yes. Yes!

Yes, yes, its fucking heart exploded.

-Oh, my God.
-(laughing)

(yells happily)

Hey, you ever have croco tacos?

(Elijah) Don't you mean gator taters?

I'm pretty sure it's an alligator.

-(Brad) Gator tacos.
-(upbeat music playing)

Pretty good. Like muscly chicken.

Hey, do you think in the gator world,

he might've had a name?

In the gator world?
What the fuck is wrong with you?

What? Animals do communicate.

Maybe they give each other names.

Oh, I feel horrible now.
We just ate Lenny.

(animal calling)

Shh. (snaps fingers) Hey. Hey, stop.

I think I heard something.

Oh, my God.

Maybe Lenny's friends
are calling out for vengeance.

-Shut up.
-(chuckling)

You know, there are tribes out here

who have never even made contact
with actual human beings.

No, Pavio Curto chased them away
for shitting on the floor.

I doubt Curt caught all of them.

-There's a good cha--
-(animal bellows)

Okay, tell me you heard that.

That was you.

-(Elijah) No, it wasn't me.
-(Brad) What?

Stay where you are!
What do you guys think you're doing?

Oh, my God.

-Are you Americans?
-Formerly.

We're nationless eco-fundamentalists now.

-Oh, that's cool. We can work with that.
-Yeah.

We're here to stop the poaching trade.

-You're not poachers, are you?
-(Brad) Poachers? Oh, God, no.

I mean, dressed like this?

I-I won't even eat poached egg.
It's disgusting.

Although I will say that that is
the healthiest way to eat an egg.

You cook an egg poached, I mean,
you lower the cholesterol oxidation.

Facts. Erewhon makes their poachies
on a paleo yam tartine.

-It's delicious.
-I love Erewhon.

You ever have
their Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch?

-No.
-They look kind of fucked-up,

but then you take a bite and you're like,
"Give these motherfuckers an award."

So what are you guys doing out here?

-(chuckling)
-That's a funny story.

Can I tell-- No, no, no, go ahead.
Tell it, tell it, tell it.

We were being used as drug mules
by a dangerous cartel.

-We didn't know.
-And then we escaped into the jungle.

Okay, this freaking narco guy's wife

starts crawling all over him,
takes him upstairs.

-She wants to fuck him.
-Yeah.

(Brad) But it ended up being a weird kink
where the narco guy wanted to watch me

fuck his wife, and then
he tried to torture and kill me

-with a broken bottle up my ass.
-(laughing) It was...

It was a whole thing.

So, did you do it?

-Do...?
-Oh, well, I couldn't,

'cause I had just gotten done, uh,
swallowing a giant condom.

Same. Also, no one wanted to fuck me.

By the way, Brad from Sales.

Julie.

Patchouli Julie.

Okay, come on now.

Condoms.

Holy fuck. I know who these guys are.

Os Estúpidos.

Oh, um... are you guys soccer fans?

What you guys did was incredible.

Activism at its finest.

-Disruption.
-(laughs)

-Okay.
-That's what we're all about, too.

-You guys are heroes.
-Yes.

Nelson Mandela, Che Guevara.

-Hero ball.
-Hero ball.

-(laughing)
-I told you.

(PJ) Their stupid little soccer game.

They think it's so important.

Life or death.

It's like, no, that's bullshit, man.

Yeah, I mean, we've been saying that
the whole time. Down with big soccer.

The real life or death
is happening right here

-in this rainforest.
-Mm-hmm.

(Aaron) The capitalists are doing
everything they can to destroy this place

with no consideration for its
indigenous people or beautiful wildlife.

Speaking of, this is... ♪ Yarimoey ♪♪

He's a local shaman
who's blessed our mission here.

A pleasure to meet you, Yarimoey.

(PJ) No!

-It's... ♪ Yarimoey ♪♪
-Oh.

You have to really kind of sing it.

Uh, pleasure to meet you... ♪ Yarimoey ♪♪

-(mystical music playing)
-Yeah.

So, uh, you know, um, I'm a bit of
an environmentalist myself.

Yeah?

I always recycle my Nespresso pods.

Make sure they don't end up in a landfill.

How do you recycle them?

I usually,
I just throw them in the blue bin,

and then, you know, the good folks
down at recycling finish the job,

completing the circle of life.

Look, I know it's not quite
the same level as what you guys are doing,

or maybe it is in some way.

-So, what do you do?
-Oh, not much.

I mean, I'm just a guy who invented
the condom that covers the testicles.

It's probably gonna change the world.

Well, we know this guy
won't be a customer.

(laughing)

-Why would you...? Why...?
-He's got those innie balls.

They, like, disappear
up into their ball cave.

-(shaking sound)
-Yeah.

Uh, undescended testicles, it's called,
but they-they still work.

-You just can't see them.
-Aw.

Sometimes he's got to dig them out
like little earthquake victims. (laughing)

Okay, well, this guy's got a huge cock.

It's just ridiculous.

I'm fine with that info getting out.

Well, let's hang tonight, guys.

We'll party, dance, fuck, sing.

-Okay.
-Yeah?

-Fuck?
-(chuckling) Yeah.

No, nah, that-that sounds very, uh, fun,

sounds great, but we-we...
I think we need to get going.

First thing tomorrow, we'll take you guys
downriver on our raft.

It's loaded with juices
and a bunch of food.

That sounds so great. Thank you.

-And when we get to the ocean...
-Come on.

...there are plenty of ships
that will smuggle you guys home.

And we'll get you on a good smuggle-ship,

not the ones that are
all human-traffick-y.

(Yarimoey in Spanish) Be careful.

Never pee in the water.

That's where the tiny,
terrible vampire fish lives.

It swims up the urine stream,

gets into your bladder,

and eats you from the inside.

(in English) Yeah, I didn't,
I didn't get any of that. I'm sorry.

What's he saying?

Not sure.

We have yet to master Yarimoey's tongue.

♪ Yarimoey ♪♪

This is so cool. I mean, this is awesome.

He's probably the last person on Earth
to speak this language.

(in Spanish) This tiny fish

has killed many large men.

-(in English) It's gibberish.
-Yeah.

(♪ Quicksilver Messenger Service
plays "Fresh Air")

(happy chattering, laughter)

Who the hell would've thought
we'd stumble into a Phish concert?

I mean, these guys are cool as shit.

-Want some wasca?
-Um...

-Oh, that sounds interesting.
-(quietly) No.

-Uh, no, no. No ayahuasca.
-(PJ) I get it.

We're a little wasca'd out
around here, too.

-Hey. (clears throat)
-(frog chirping)

-(Elijah gulps)
-You partake?

Uh... no, thanks.

He's a, he's a germaphobe.

(Ed) Freshie.

(Aaron) Huh?

(yawning) Give him a freshie.

(Aaron mumbling)

That's Ed. He's our frog guy.

Hey, Ed. That's what you do,
you're the frog guy?

Yeah, how did you get into

-that line of work?
-That's cool.

-(frog chirping)
-Just, uh, catching...

You start...

You start catching frogs.

-That's cool.
-(Aaron) Yeah.

I guess I was thinking
more of the science behind it.

You know, the dosage and, uh,

-chemical interactions, toxicity levels.
-(frog chirping)

Hey, I got to go make a call.

-What?
-I'll be back.

Oh.

("Fresh Air" continues playing quietly
in distance)

(Elijah) Brad.

Hey, Brad.

What?

-Where are you going?
-What do you mean, where am I going?

I'm about to give a little product demo
to Patchouli Julie.

Why don't you go try to get
with Trustafarian Tina over there?

-(laughter)
-♪ ♪

You mean the one whose armpits look like
the floor of an Armenian barbershop?

-Yeah, her.
-Yeah, no, thanks.

Armpit hair is natural.

Nature's the most natural thing out here.
Come on.

Just give me three minutes.

You have some kind of fuckup amnesia
or something, huh?

Do you remember what happened
the last time you did this?

You almost had a broken bottle
shoved up your ass.

Yeah, that's 'cause you pitched
your condom to a drug lord.

Okay, Curt liked the product.

(Julie) Hey.

Oh, are you coming, too?

-(feigns laughing)
-(Julie laughs) Yeah.

So there's a perfect lovemaking spot.

It's right up here.

Have you seen the bottoms of her feet?

They look like burnt baked potatoes.

I'm not fucking her feet.

Well, I mean, I might, but let's-let's
just see where the night goes.

Come on. Live a little.

-(sighs)
-(Julie) Guys.

-Brad... Okay.
-(Julie) Come on, check this out.

(birds chirping)

This the lovemaking spot?

-Yeah.
-Oh.

Also where we keep the poachers we catch.

What the fuck?!

-(tense music plays)
-(flies buzzing)

(Julie) We hang them there
as a warning to others.

Right on.

What, um, did they do to--
the poaching with?

How'd they-- Why are they dead?

Black caimans, mostly.

Black caimans?

Yeah, they're kind of like alligators.

-(hushed) Told you.
-You said alligator,

-not alligator-adjacent.
-Okay.

They're beautiful, majestic reptiles.

Highly endangered.

And these poachers are killing them
for their claws.

Wait, so you-you...
you guys kill the poachers?

Yeah, we had to.

We tried the peaceful path,
but it never worked,

so now it's an eye for an eye.

You kill one of the animals
we came here to protect, we kill you.

That simple. Nobody gets to negotiate.

Eh, nobody?

What if you're the Pope or...?

Nobody!
You could be Greta fucking Thunberg,

but if you kill one of these animals,
you are dead! Dead!

Now let's get our fuck on.

Um...

-with them watching?
-(flies buzzing)

Oh, I know, but in some ways,
it's kind of like we're honoring them,

and them us.

By letting them dead-watch us fuck?

Yeah, I call them
the Dead Poachers Society. (laughs)

Sorry, speaking of watching,

is that a camera? The little...?

(Julie) Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we have cameras all over the jungle.

Oh, but nobody's watching us right now.

They're reviewing today's footage
for poachers

because we lost a signal
on one of our favorite caimans, Morey.

So he had a name.

Uh, would you excuse us for a second?

Where are you going?

I'm just gonna go put on a condom.

I can put it on for you.

Oh, well, the...
the thing is, this is really hard

'cause you got to put the nuts in
and everything.

-He'll give me a hand.
-No, no, it's not hard.

They slip right in.

I'm shy.

Then just say that.
Don't besmirch the product.

We'll be right back.

-All right.
-All right.

You have any run left in those legs?

I'd fucking better. Come on, come on.

(♪ Chicano Batman sings "Freedom Is Free")

-God!
-Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(Brad) Oh, my God.

This claw is delicious.
You got to try this.

Come on.

Damn it, Janet!

-(Elijah) No, that's...
-(Brad) The claw's the best part.

(Elijah) The claw's the best part.
Let me high-five that.

Fuck!
Julie's gonna make us go kill them now.

Yoip.

-"Yoip"?!
-Well...

"Yoip"? That's all you got
to fucking say is "yoip"?

I'm losing my mind out here, man.

Dude, I came here to protect the jungle,
do ayahuasca and fuck Julie,

-not murder poachers!
-Yeah, me, too, man.

-She doesn't even bone us.
-This sucks, man.

She's literally boning everyone but us.

Okay, not everyone.

Everyone.

♪ Yarimoey? ♪♪

Yep, Yarimoey.

He is like a hundred years old!

What the fuck is she thinking?

Dude, I know,
and she told me he has a split penis.

What does that mean?

Like he split it himself or it's that old?

God, what happened to her, man?

She was super dope back in Calabasas.

Now she's fucking split-cocks
and killing poachers?

Hey, have you guys seen those two dudes?
We were just about to smash,

-and then they--
-(Elijah mumbling over video)

(Brad) I would never steer you wrong
when it comes to food.

-(PJ) Mm-hmm.
-What the fuck?

-(PJ) Yoop.
-(Brad) You know what also?

-What?
-It's a great back scratcher.

Let me try, let me try.

Look at that. Oh.

-I can comb your hair.
-(mumbling, laughing)

(Elijah) Let me, let me, let me do it.

-Were you going to tell me about this?
-(Aaron) Yeah, of course.

-Yeah.
-We were just about to go

-kill those fuckers.
-They are fucking dead.

(PJ) They are fucking dead men, Julie!

-You said it right! You said it right!
-Right.

(video continues indistinctly)

(upbeat dramatic music playing)

A raft. There's a raft.

Come on.

♪ ♪

Push.

Go, go, go, go!

Kill them!

-(bullets ricocheting)
-Shit.

What the fuck?

We got to start paddling

or we're gonna be strung up,
dead-watching her fuck!

(bullets ricocheting)

We're gonna string you up, you bastards!

(Julie) Keep firing!

Oh! (screams in frustration)

(grunts)

-Ow.
-You ball-less fucking idiots.

You let them escape.

You wonder why I won't fuck you?

-We weren't wondering that.
-The fuck you weren't.

We heard you in the hut.
Everybody heard you.

Okay, we were wondering that.

Fuck's sake. Come on, Yarimoey.

♪ Yarimoey ♪♪

Shut the fuck up.

I got to fuck this rage out of my body.

Ooh.

-(♪ Mitski sings "Heaven")
-(birds chirping)

♪ All of our love ♪

Yeah, still no bars.

♪ filling all of our room,
your low warm voice...

I'm gonna be different.

-If we ever make it out of here alive.
-Stop it.

I'm serious.

I'm not messing around.

You watch, I'm gonna add
a little steak to my sizzle.

Maybe I'll add
a little sizzle to my steak.

Hey, Brad?

We're going to die out here, aren't we?

Oh, a hundred percent.

It's a fucking fact.

(both laughing)

-(crying)
-Oh.

(song fades)

(Elijah) These condoms actually make
pretty good pillows, huh?

Courtesy buffet.

You want some more coconut water?

Nah, I'm good. Actually, I got to pee.

(exhales)

(grunting, groaning)

(whistles softly)

(sighs loudly)

-(opening zipper)
-Ooh.

(suspenseful music playing)

What's wrong?

Stage fright.

Can you just, uh, turn the other way?

You have your back to me.
How do you know I'm looking?

I can feel you staring.

Actually, you know what?

We should probably save our pee.

In case we run out of water,

-we don't want to die of thirst.
-(urinating)

What are you talking about?
You can't drink your piss.

I don't want your piss sloshing
around the raft, so just dump it out.

You know, urine is completely sterile.

I don't care. Dump it out. It's nasty.

(closes zipper)

(sighs) Okay.

Oh, dude.

Look at these minnows.
They're drinking my pee.

What?

(Elijah laughing)

Look at this.

(Brad) Holy shit.

Little piss fish.

-(laughing)
-Dumb bastards.

(Elijah) Oh, it's like they're smiling.

Oh, wait a minute.

I read about these things
in National Geographic.

Holy shit,

did I just dodge a bullet.

-Hmm?
-(splashing)

(screaming)

(thuds)

(whimpering) Pull it out. Pull it out.

You pull it out. It's your penis.

Oh, God, I can't.

I got to squeeze with both hands,
or it's going upstream.

This thing is really determined.

Please, please, get it.

Oh, God.

Please, please, please, please.

You got to get it. Get it. Get it.

Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
Don't move, don't move.

-(Brad whimpering)
-(Elijah groaning)

-It's too slippery. I can't get a grip.
-(groaning)

Maybe if you get hard,
you could, like, strangle it.

What? How am I supposed to get hard?
I got a fish in my dick!

Uh, use your imagination.

Wh-What's your biggest fantasy?

Right now it's not having
a fish in my dick!

Okay, yelling has never inspired anybody

to get a fish out of their friend's dick.

-Use your teeth.
-Use my...?

Use your teeth.

-Oh, go on.
-No.

Get the fucking thing now!

You use your teeth!

How? How? How? Tell me.

Uh, stretch your dick out
and lean forward.

Don't you think if I could reach
my mouth to my dick,

I would know that by now?

(crying) Please, Lij, I'm begging you.

You're my only hope.
I need you to be a man right now!

(panting) Elijah, please, please,
I'm begging you. I'm begging you.

(crying) Oh, God.

-(Brad whimpering)
-(Elijah grunts)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Oh, yeah. Oh...
-Stop saying "yeah."

Sorry.

-(Elijah grunting)
-(Brad) Oh.

Oh, God.

(panting) Oh, oh.

(gagging)

Don't touch me.

-We never speak--
-Speak of this again.

Right back at you, sailor boy.

-Oh, God.
-(Brad breathing heavily)

I just... I just need to be alone
for a minute.

(Elijah sighs heavily)

(beeping)

(intriguing music playing)

(in Portuguese) We have
located the targets.

♪ ♪

-(music fades)
-(engine rumbling)

(water splashes)

(in English) Boat! Boat!

Brad! Brad!

Boat, boat. Get up. Boat.

Hey!

-Oh, shit.
-(screeching) Hey!

-Hey! Hey!
-Hey!

-Hey, we're saved. Hey!
-(laughing) Hey!

-(Brad) Hey. Hey.
-(Elijah) Whoo!

-(Elijah) Over here!
-(Brad) We're alive!

-Hey!
-(laughing)

(Elijah screeching happily)

Jesus Christ. It's Jessel Cristo.

Fuck!

Start paddling. Start paddling!

(Brad) Out of the way.

(Elijah) Paddle.

(dramatic music playing)

-(Brad) Oh, my God.
-(Elijah) Come on!

(Brad) What the...?

(Cristos) Estúpidos, indeed.

Get in the boat.

What, to give us one of those
free-to-go bullshit speeches?

You know, I'm not one
to use the Lord's name in vain,

but fuck you, Jessel Cristo.

Do you have any idea where you are?

(imitating Cristos' accent) Oh,
my greatest fear is injustice

visited upon undeserving peoples.

Particularly on my watch.

No unjust thing will happens to you.

(normal accent) That...
Was the accent a-a little racist?

-Right on the line.
-(Elijah) Sorry.

I'm exploring the sizzle.

Okay, here's what's going to happen.

You are coming back with me,

you are going to be found guilty

of shattering the dreams
of half a billion people,

you are going to go to prison
and do hard labor for a year,

and then, if you live through this,

you will be free to go home.

No. Nope.

No, here's what's gonna happen,
El General.

You are going to paddle your puny green
bathtub back to wherever you came from

and deliver a message from Os Estúpidos.

You tell the people of Brazil

and the rest of the soccer-humping
community in the world,

you tell them that
we are very, very sorry,

but it is only a game.

And we're done paying for it.

Fine.

I'll pass along your heartfelt apology.

I'll also tell them what happened
after you apologized.

That you and your esteemed colleague
escaped to the ocean

on your intrepid wooden raft
down the Iguazú River.

I like it. We'd be like folk heroes.

It's a win-win. Deal.

Thank you.

(in Portuguese) Let's go, Paulo!

(engine starts)

(laughing)

(in English) Did you see
the look on his face?

That took testículos, my friend.

I'm not used to testículos.
I want to do that more often.

(sighs) Oh. Whoo!

(Brad) Hey, wait a minute.

What did he...
what did he just call the river?

I think he called it the Ig-Iguazú
or something.

You remember Contrails magazine?

-It had a little profile on...
-The Iguazú River?

No, it wasn't the Iguazú River.

It was the Iguazú Falls.

The largest waterfall.

(dramatic music playing)

In Brazil?

No, in the world.

♪ ♪

(water roaring)

-We got to get to shore!
-Well, fuck.

Come on.

Come on.

(Elijah) The fucking oar
is not doing anything.

-(Elijah) Ah.
-(Brad) Come on.

Oh, my God!

Oh, shit.

(Elijah) It's supposed to turn.
Why isn't it turning?

This thing barely fucking moves.

Quick, condoms.

(Elijah) What?

Flotation devices.

♪ ♪

Oh.

You ready?

(distorted yelling)

(yells)

(music fades)

(gasping)

Brad!

Brad!

(♪ Toco sings "Bate")

Brad!

(breathlessly) Brad, Brad.

(grunts) Brad.

Brad, it's okay, buddy.

♪ ♪

(song continues with lyrics in Portuguese)

♪ ♪

Oh, buddy.

Come on, Brad. Yeah, yeah, spit it out.

Come on, buddy.

Breathe, breathe.

Oh. Breathe, Brad, breathe!

Uh...

-(song stops abruptly)
-(Elijah gagging)

-Oh, Brad.
-(grunting)

-Brad, yeah, yeah.
-(coughing)

Get it out, buddy. Get it out, get it out.

-(coughing)
-Oh.

Hey, you're germ-free, right?

-Seriously?
-Shut up.

-(distant rumbling)
-Did you hear that?

-What?
-Oh, no.

(Brad) Oh, shit.

(rumbling grows louder)

-(engine rumbling loudly)
-(Elijah) Oh!

You got to be fucking kidding me!

Oh.

(engine stops)

-(Brad) Wait, please!
-(guns clicking)

No, no, no. No, hold your fire.

Wait. Hold up, please.

Don't shoot.

Don't take him.

Take me.

-Come on, man.
-No.

What's done is done.

This good man is not to blame.

Is he a bit of a tool? Absolutely.

But he's got a lot of new
amazing stuff to invent.

And if I know Elijah, and I think I do,

testicles won't be the only thing
he ends up saving.

So if you've got to serve some justice,

serve it to me.

Hey. Hey.

I am really sorry I made such a big deal
out of sucking the fish out of your dick.

Relax.
The Iguazú is more than just a river.

It's a border.

Welcome to...

(majestic music playing)

Uruguay?

-Oh, my God, we're in Uruguay?
-No.

(Elijah) No, we're not.

That's Argentina!

Our flags are very similar.

My country has been trying to save you two

since the moment you saved us.

Really?

Well, you could've fooled us.

Yeah, wh-where the hell
have you guys been?

-(door closes)
-(woman) Oh, where have we been?

-Oh.
-What the...?

Antonia? How...?

My name is Isadora Cortez,
and I'm an officer

with the Agencia Federal de Inteligencia.

You're a spy?

Since the moment you were arrested,
I've been running Operation Estúpidos.

-Huh?
-Guys...

all you had to do
was listen to me at the jail,

but you fired me
before you even heard my plan.

(Brad) I-I didn't fire you.

-He fired you.
-To protect her.

Wow, it's absolutely true--
no good deed goes unpunished.

-I told you.
-Awesome.

We had a multimember extraction team
waiting to whisk you two out of Brazil,

but you were always one step ahead of us.

Wait a second. Was that, was that
the crowd chasing us down the alley?

No, that was the Brazilians.

Oh, good.

But we were there
when Pavio Curto was about to kill you

with that cachaça bottle.

-That was you guys?
-Of course.

Why did you guys run into the jungle
after we shot him?

Curt said it was a rival drug gang.

That fucking liar.

Then we lost your cell phone signal
and feared you were dead.

Our entire country
has been praying for you.

You guys were praying for us?

(gentle music playing)

Well, I guess our prayers
have been answered.

¡Los Genios! ¡Vamos!

(♪ La Mosca sings "Muchachos,
ahora nos volvimos a ilusionar")

¡Argentina!

(chanting) ¡Argentina! ¡Argentina!

¡Argentina! ¡Argentina! ¡Argentina!

-¡Argentina! ¡Argentina! ¡Argentina!
-(song continues with lyrics in Spanish)

¡Argentina! ¡Argentina! ¡Argentina!

(Elijah) I'm not just the designer.

I'm also a client.

(song continues)

Your os testículos will never be the same.

Los testículos.

You're in Buenos Aires now.

And do you know what is better
than being the condom of the World Cup?

Being the official condom
of an entire country.

Tens milliones, por favor.

(cheering)

(crowd) ¡Argentina!
¡Argentina! ¡Argentina!

(cheering)

♪ ♪

Yeah!

(rapid beeping)

(beeping stops)

Whoo!

Hey!

♪ ♪

(cheering, hollering)

(song ends)

(Brad) A wise man once said,
"Futebol is science:

mathematics, physics, chemistry.

But also the humanities:

art, music, poetry."

(Elijah) "It is also love,

family, community,"

orange slices...

and the greatest game in the world.

(children cheering)

(Brad) As for us,
we settled into Argentina

like testículos into the Balls Up.

Put that on our gravestones.

(Elijah) So, we're getting gravestones?

(Brad) Uh, better than gravestones.

-(♪ Empire of the Sun sings "Changes")
-♪ Pick it up, pick it up ♪

♪ Pick it up, pick it up ♪

♪ In the middle of
a low-light kaleidoscope ♪

♪ we been listening to a heart radio
for the soul ♪

♪ For the soul ♪

♪ Don't stop moving,
feel the shock within ♪

♪ Shattered love, the love ♪

♪ Now don't stop moving,
don't you let them win ♪

♪ Shattered love ♪

♪ The love, now-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow ♪

♪ This time, we're going through changes ♪

♪ This time not like bеfore ♪

♪ This time, we're going places ♪

♪ Letting go, letting go,
letting go, letting go ♪

♪ This time, we gonna embrace it ♪

♪ This time, I'll love you more ♪

♪ This time, we're going through changes ♪

♪ Letting go, letting go,
letting go, letting go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ We pushing deep down,
far to the inner core ♪

♪ You and I are finding something
never found before ♪

♪ Before ♪

♪ Pick it up, pick it up,
pick it up, pick it up ♪

♪ Hear the echo of our voice
in the valley below ♪

♪ We are calling your name,
come on and lose control ♪

♪ Control ♪

♪ Don't stop moving,
don't you let them win ♪

♪ Shattered love ♪

♪ The love, now-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow ♪

♪ This time, we're going through changes ♪

♪ This time not like before ♪

♪ This time, we're going places ♪

♪ Letting go, letting go,
letting go, letting go ♪

♪ This time, we gonna embrace it ♪

♪ This time, I'll love you more ♪

♪ This time, we're going through changes ♪

♪ Letting go, letting go,
letting go, letting go ♪♪

♪ ♪

(song ends)

(upbeat music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪♪

(music ends)