All language subtitles for Zero.Stars.S01E02.Norway.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-RAWR_Track03

So, you've been
kayaking before?

Only once on a school trip
- and I nearly died.
- What?

They made us all capsize,
and I couldn't get back up,
I stayed upside down.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah,
it was very traumatic.

Every time I righted myself
to gasp for air I could see
everyone in my class laughing.

Why didn't you tell me that
before I got in the kayak?

It made me feel like she has a
lot of confidence for someone who's
already toppled a kayak and also...

...I think
we should turn around now.

Woo-hoo!

We're here, baby.
Most travellers avoid bad reviews.

Let's see what the review says.
- One star.
- One star.

- One star.
- Never seen
anything more stupid.

If I could give it
- zero stars, I would.
- But not us.

I'm a woman in a man's world,
I make up my own mind.

I'm Sara Pascoe.

I'm brilliant at this!

I'm Roisin Conaty.

Come on, fishy fishy! Ooh!

We're comedians!
But more importantly, best friends.

As someone who's received
bad reviews I will
try to look to the good.

We're turning the tables
on the review sites.

They were so busy typing
in their phone moaning,
they forgot to look out.

And visiting places
based on the worst reviews.

Come closer.
It's nothing to be afraid of.

My review is 100 stars.

But will this journey of salvation
be a five-star fun fest?

I'm an absolute killer! Yes!

Or are we in
for a holiday from hell?

Ooh, smell that air.

Lovely air.

"Bergen?"

That question mark
does make me doubt myself.

- Bergen?
- Is it? Bergen? It must be.

They wouldn't let us off the plane.

Making me feel like,
you sure you wanna
get off here?

Oslo's not that far.
Yeah.

You could go somewhere warmer.

Do you know Norway well?

I've been here before.
- Yeah?
- I ate reindeer!

Oh, right, okay.
It tasted like fishy fruit
and I nearly vomited.

- Oh, no.
- Yeah, so. Don't be ordering
that for me. I know you won't.

I won't, that'd ruin Christmas.
That's awful.

Have you been here before?
Three times.

It's so expensive here.

I phoned my bank when I got back
cos I was drunk and I'd gone

and got snacks. They were like,
your money's gone.

I didn't spend £100.
They went, you did,
on 7-Eleven.

Ten years of telly down the drain.
Come on, let's go and have
a nice expensive holiday.

Norway. One reviewer said...

Talk about the magic of the fjords.

Norway is small but exports
a lot of gas for its size.

Hashtag relatable.
This means high prices
and high living standards.

So, cities like Bergen
are full of swanky,
fancy places to enjoy

and we... won't be going
to any of them.

Really is in the middle of nowhere.

Now I know why
they're like "Bergen?"

Bergen?
Are we still in Bergen?

Idyllically located
miles from anywhere. Podtown.

This isn't it though.

It says "Podtown. Your private space
in a lively place".

Lively is pushing it.

This can't be it. This is all rusty.

It's definitely it.

The pictures make it look
much more glamorous,
much more like Japan.

Sort of like pod-living.

Okay, I've got a check-in
- instructions.
- Okay.

- It's self-cleaning.
- Self-cleaning?
Fine. We've to clean it ourselves.

There's no private toilet
in the unit at the moment.

However, a 24-hour gas station
with restroom facilities is just
a seven-minute walk away.

I get up at least once for a wee
in the night. Reviews?

I mean, let's see
what these people say.

- Three stars.
- Three stars?

This is a decent place
to stay in relation to the price.

It's cheap.
Norway, be four billion pounds.

Yeah, I mean this costs the same
as a sandwich here.

What? A little impractical.
That's illegal.

You can't hire out hotel -
We don't know the rules in Norway.

Surely, worldwide. The UN has got
to be on this, aren't they?

The important business...
Email the UN.

- You wanna see it?
- Let's go in.
Let's try to be positive.

We're in beautiful country.
One reviewer said...

Well, at least it's a bargain. We've
paid just £90 a night. Oh, Norway.

Oh. Okay. So, it is...

Oh. It is very...
sort of, er...

...sci-fi inside. Look at these
lovely chairs. It's a bit of...

...er, fucking mess.

I'm sort of stunned.

Where's the mattresses?
And what's this bag of crap?

There's a coke thing. Oh, God,
this is someone else's mess. Is it?

They're meant to have cleaned it!

There brown stuff on that towels
and that coke

has got lumps of something in it.
It does smell a bit. It does smell.

That might be my fear.

- Don't get in it.
- Oh, my God.
Is it moving? Ugh, God!

How can this be allowed?
Sara, there's a toilet.

What you mean?
They said you've to go
to the petrol station.

They said there's no private toilet.
What do you mean?

Oh, my God.
It's horrible. It's horrible.

How does someone give it
a 3-star review?

Does this work? The door.
If this door button works. Hello?

- Come on.
- Careful, don't
lock yourself.

Just trying to see if the button...

There you go. Privacy for the lady.
Now I can have a wee.

I was just trying to see
if this button works,
but it doesn't.

Can you not open it?

No, I've locked myself in. Have I?

Oh, no! You've locked yourself in!
Oh! No! Help!

Help! The murderer!

Don't be so ridiculous.

I thought we've got
to get some joy out of this
absolute shit-pit.

Something felt off about Podtown.

And it wasn't just
the portable toilet full of piss.

I'm just gonna check.
Oh, no, no, no.
We're not in the right one.

This is, this is our bathroom.

- What?
- This is our toilet.

Oh, my God.
Ours is round the corner.

Thank God for that.

- D8. D8.
- Oh, fingers crossed.

- Come on.
- Come on. Come on.

Oh, Sara. It's a win.

It's clean. There's mattresses.

Oh. Nice. Oh. It's really nice.

Luxury is not a pleasure,
but pleasure is a luxury.

It's lovely.

Now, we know we've got a private
bathroom around the corner.

There's an air outlet
and a sleep mode.

- Light.
- Ooh!

This is lovely.
This is what I was envisioning
and I like it very much.

It's like when you've got
an all right boyfriend
after a really bad man.

We head into town for some food
with a skip in our step.

- This is it. This is it.
- Oh.
The Taste of Norway, baby.

- Ladies first.
- Thank you.

Taste of Norway describes itself
as an adventurous experience.

So far, so concerning.

Let me read a review to you.
Two stars.

"The buffet was unexceptional,
and the decor frightful. By the way

"the toilet offered the exotic view
of a couple of pair of socks
hung up to dry".

That is very strange.
I need to see these socks.

Bring us to your socks.

Come into the toilets with me.
We've come to Norway.
We wanna see your socks.

Oh. It's so clearly a display.
It's really cute.

What? People are absolute assholes.
Imagine giving a bad review.

They've obviously
never been to the theatre.

If anything, I'd say it'd be good
if they had a little woman
sitting there. I'd go in even more.

So, she was just sitting.
Like you have a bathroom attendant.

But I'd have her dressed
in the gear like that.

Your socks need washing?

Yeah. This is it. Five stars.
Wash your socks.

Right, let's go and have
a bit of Taste of Norway.

The Taste Of Norway offers
a Norwegian buffet. Two words
I've never heard together.

But surely, it's the perfect way to
enjoy Norwegian culinary delights.

Like these slices of... brown?

Maybe our host can help.

- Hello.
- Hi. Welcome.

This is the buffet.
We have four stations.
This is the cold, er, start.

- Oh, okay.
- And I've
just seen you serve whales.

- Yeah, we do. We do.
- That's a whale.

It's smaller than I thought.

I don't think it's the whole thing.
What else are you killing?

A reindeer? A moose? No one's safe
in the woods or the water.

Yeah. I'm gonna have a little
bit of this because Sara's vegan.

- Go ahead.
- Is there anything veggie?

So, we have bread because
this is a very typical Norwegian -
I'll have the bread.

Sara does all the bread eating,
I do all the meat eating.

Okay, how much am I allowed?

Not too, oh, really? Whoa.
Oh, it's really filling.

Yeah, I'm a hungry girl.

Sara had the bread covered
so it was down to me to taste every
other taste of Norway there is.

Mmm. Ooh, what's this?
That is a herring.

Ooh, I'll have a little bowl.
This is called Rommegrot.

Good enough for the Vikings
good enough for me.

- Fish cakes?
- Yes, please.
That looks delicious actually.

Reindeer meatballs.
- Why not.
- Fish soup?

I'll have a bit of that.
Get a couple of bits of those.
That's a good soup.

You gonna be okay holding these?
I'm holding these.

I feel I'm greedy,
I've got a helper.

I don't normally get filmed
at buffets. Now I see why.

This is a good trial
for your OnlyFans.

That's enough though,
I don't wanna be a greedy guts.

Right, Sara, let's do this.
Look at this.

You've got, er... Some flaps.

Can I get to my bread?
You all right?

You've got so much...

Try some of your fishy soup.

I'll tell you what I've got. Fish.

First up, a Scandi classic.
Pickled herring.

I feel like a feeder
just watching you.

Did you like that? A bit more?

It's actually nice. No, no. Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Nice and then...

Oh... Spit it out.

I just did a...

I look like Hannibal Lecter?
I thought...

Joking.

What's that cake like, then?

Well, it is dry cake like they said.

Luckily, I'm being brought
some vegan food

by my knight in shining waistcoat.

She was very happy with her
19 bit of bread, though. Thank you.

Thank you. That's really kind. Mmm.

The broccoli
is absolutely outstanding.

It's flavoured up the wazoo.

Where is the wazoo on a broccoli?

I'm gonna try this sort of risotto.
It's an old Viking dish

- that they had at weddings.
- Okay.

To the bride and groom.

Oh, it's good stuff. I think
I'm Norwegian in spirit.

Next on the menu, the mystery
of the brown slices is solved.

It's Norwegian specialty
brown cheese.

Oh, yeah. What?

I've never said
"what" through food.
What is happening?

There isn't words for this.
What happened?

It's toffee! There's a toffee bit.
What?

It's turned into toffee.
Feels like I'm eating toffees

that have been left
on top of cheese.

It's a magical place, Norway.
Cheese becomes toffee.

It may be the best thing
I've ever tasted. Is it?

Gonna be gross. Are you ready?

I wasn't ready.
It's sort of like toffee.

I wasn't ready.
And I'll never be ready.

It's like a toffee texture.
Yeah, but I believed you.

It didn't need to be shown it
out of your mouth.

Let's see what you vegans
are sneakily getting up to.
Behind our backs.

It will make you realise - hello.
Vegans drink like Vikings.

- Oh.
- What?

- And eat some mead.
- Some mead?

- I'll bring.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.

You've got very soft footsteps,
I'll tell you that.

Ah, yes, apple juice, the drink
of Vikings who are doing dry jam.

- Skal! Skal!
- Skal! Skal!

Yeah, we need doggie bags, please.

We're in Norway.
One online review says...

Today, we're heading out to see
how disgusting it is.

Yeah. Not that disgusting really.

It's so pretty.

I cannot believe how beautiful
these wooden houses are.

I like the big mountain
behind them.

Bergen means
seven mountains or something.

What does "Bergen?" mean?
Seven mountains?

Seven? Is there seven mountains?

But Bergen is also one
of Norway's busiest ports,

with over 300 cruise ship
visits a year.

Taking passengers
to see the beautiful fjords.

But I've found a way
of getting out on the water
without spending a penny.

Or whatever they spend in Norway.

Norwegian pennies.

This is exciting.
This is getting right on a fjord.

Couldn't be more Norwegian.

It's free, which is also,
couldn't be less Norwegian.

It doesn't cost money, but I think
because it's work technically.

- Hello.
- Hello, there.
Hi, I'm Sara.

- Hi, Andreas.
- I'm Roisin,
- nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

So, what is this experience?
It's basically, er, a concept

where you get to rent
a kayak for free. You get out here

and you explore the scenery
and then you pick up rubbish

by the coastline.
What kind of rubbish
do you have out there?

We have all kinds. Beer cans,
even have those electric scooters.

And can we keep anything we find,
like an electric scooter.

If you want to, but the last time
that happened, it exploded
outside here.

- What?
- So, don't do that.

Basically, you don't have to
pay for it if you go and do a job.

- Exactly.
- Or something might explode.

Then, when you come back here,
you get to weigh the trash,

and it's reported, so they'll know
how much trash has been picked.

And what about turning over?
What are the chances
of us capsizing?

Basically, none.

Will you hear us if we scream?

Oh, Christ.
I have a good hearing.

Okay, great. Well, let's hope so.
So this is all our stuff.

Today, we're going out canoeing,
getting rubbish, saving the world,

as a favour to Norway.
You're welcome.

I think we'll probably get NBEs.
or whatever the equivalent
is in Norway.

Do they have a Royal Family here?

No, they don't.
They do have a royal family!

Okay. I think the King
is going to give us a prize.

So, how often do you do this?

Well, I help people with it.

You don't actually
ever do it yourself?

Nah.

He's never done it.

I mean, that does worry me, Rosh.
Well, of course it should.

I'm quite scared of open water.

I lost my voice
in open water as a child.

Feels like I'm gonna tip you.
It won't, I promise.

Feel like I'm gonna tip.
It's not gonna tip.

It's a cold open water.

I always think if I tip over,
I'm gonna scream,

but no one's gonna hear me.

Are you gonna undo us?
Er, let's see.

All you want is someone who you
trust to explain how it works.

Okay, that was the wrong key.

It's the wrong key!
Andreas, do you even work here?

Andreas comes out and he said,
"I've never been on a kayak."

Then, he couldn't do the keys.
I don't think you work here.

You've never done it before.
Don't have the right keys.
I wandered up here.

Very lovely.
It's a little bit frightening.

Eirik to the rescue.
Okay, we're ready. We're ready.

There we go.

It's time for us to get out there
and clean up this filthy town.

Watch out, I'm about to hit
- - something.
- God.
- Sorry, I've
not been very elegant. There we go.

We sort of need to
left and right at the same time.

- Okay.
- There we go.

Do you reckon next year they'll do
Oxford, Cambridge, and then Roisin
and Sara in the third boat. Woo!

- Hell.
- Try again.

Right. Oh, the wind's
not in our favour.

- - No.
- Are you rowing?
- Yeah.
Okay, let's go. Find some litter.

But first, we need to make it
out of the harbour.

We need to go around.
I'm going to hit this boat
if we just drift.

- Let's just... eee.
- Oh, dear.
Okay. Are you okay?

Yeah. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Ah.
Oh, no, not again.

It's too late. We're gonna
hit this one. Pop.

Shit. We've got
our own system really

when you think about it.
We sort of boat, like, pinball.

That way or that way?

I'll just go straight out,
head for home.

The English Channel.
Here we come!

Are there any Norwegian
songs for sailing?

Erm, there must be, mustn't there?
I don't know what we can...

They don't yodel, do they?
- We need like a sea shanty.
- Yeah.

There you go high and we go low.
Like Norse.

It can't be that different
from, like, Scottish.

Imagine Vikings arriving
on these boats.

We should've worn
little horns in our hats.
Maybe that'd be offensive actually.

What's happening?
There'd be a bit more litter.

Shall we collect some seaweed?

Well, that's the only thing
I think they're, they're very clean.

I haven't seen
a single crisp packet.

Not so much as a cigarette butt.

I've not seen one thing.
It's a really weird feeling
to be disappointed.

That there's not more litter.
It's been ravaged by other kayakers.

They've gone in, nothing left.

Norway's too clean!

They've had an absolute run on
of people in the green kayaks.

But suddenly, we had
bigger problems to deal with.

It's getting very choppy now.
Sara. We need to get away
from these rocks.

Sara, we need to move. It's mad.

I know, but we're going
the wrong way.

We're gonna hit the wall.
I know we are. It's too wavy.

Is this what seamen see
just before they die?

Quick! Quick!
We've got to turn around.

- This is gonna tip us.
- I'm trying.
Fuck!

There's a GoPro. In the water.

The GoPro's on the rock.
GoPro's in the water.

Fuck! It's gone.

We then did smash a GoPro.

It's gone. It's gone.
No, it's not. I need the net.

And Sara went
to climb out of the boat
in the open water to get it.

Don't stand out the boat!
I'm just kneeling.
I'm just kneeling.

You're gonna tip me in the water.
I won't tip you in the water.

Hell.

I thought that was mad.

I can't believe our littering
is just us rescuing a GoPro.

We did rescue something. We just
sort of had to lose it first.

It's quite an odyssey, really.

I'm soaking. We were heading back
with nothing to show but wet socks
and a camera

that would never go... pro again.

But then...
Oh, there's something in the water.

- It's a banana peel.
- A banana peel.

It's a banana peel.

Get it. Get it.

Oh, my God. Yeah!

A biodegradable banana peel.

It doesn't matter.
- It was unsightly.
- Banana peel.

Yes. It may only be one banana skin
but I have contributed

to the removal of rubbish
from this beautiful water.

If that banana was still in the sea,
I wouldn't have slept tonight.

Oh, shit.

That was lovely and relaxing.

Andreas, we've worked really hard
and Norway is welcome
for our service.

Can you just tell us
how many kilograms
of rubbish we collected?

Yeah, let's see.
I'm gonna turn this thingy on.

Pretend you've used it before.

Yeah. Stare at it.
- Like an alien concept.
- Ah, yes.

Yeah, well, it's 0.0 kg.
Or 0.0 pounds.

I'm gonna throw it back
- in the water.
- Lightweight.

They're very healthy.
- They weigh nothing.
- It's organic.

Listen, Norway is very clean.
And why are you luring
people out here with this

sort of, like, "We need help, come
and clean our waters". It's
absolutely spotless out there.

It gives you an opportunity to,
to explore the, the coastline

in ways you wouldn't otherwise.

We definitely explored,
we saw some of those rocks
- really close up.
- Yeah.

Exactly.

Anyway, it was really lovely
- - to meet you.
- Likewise.
- Yeah.

It was wonderful fun. Loads
of the bad reviews in Norway

are because
of how expensive things are.

So, it's a real boon
to find something that is
completely free and enjoyable.

I can't say if this
is a great free way to see Bergen

because I only saw this bit here.

And you can see that from here.

So we decided to see more
of the city using a method

so budget-friendly, It was invented
before money was even a thing.

Walking.

Oh, it's lovely.

It's lovely.
And it's kind of pumping.

- - Yeah.
- On a Saturday afternoon.
- Yeah.

And my number one criteria
for judging the quality of a city...

...dog vibes.

Hello, Snuggles. Boy, hello!
Hello, good morning.

Can I say hello to the doggy?
- Oh, my God.
- Hello, doggy.

Oh, hi! Doggy.

Is this what it's like
when you've got a man
who keeps looking at other women?

I think the dogs are outstanding
and I think that is for me

a big green flag.
Do you reckon you could live here?

Yeah. If I ran away from my family.

If I did live here, one thing
I'd probably end up doing

is the country's
national sport. Skiing.

Seventy percent of Norwegians
own a pair of skis.

The other 30%, presumably,
just go down on a tea tray.

But how do they practise
when there's no snow on the slopes?

We've come to an empty car park
to find out.

It feels... Like we're going
- to Fight Klub.
- Yeah.

Like we're meeting the Romford lot.

Meeting the Romford lot
behind the ice rink.

Sort this out once and for all.

Erm, where... I can't see anyone.

I can't even imagine
what a roller ski looks like.

I think they do it to practise in
when they can't get on the slopes.

So, it's a real like, this
is genuinely where they
practise, apparently.

Erm, would you like to hear
some reviews? One star.

It's excessive, isn't it?

And it's just not a very...
as a review it,

it lacks any sort of like...
pizzazz.

Look. To add wheels and then go
really fast in a car park,
- that's fun, right?
- Yeah.

If indeed it even exists.
Yeah, we haven't seen them yet.

No, it does feel like
we're gonna get mugged.

Like we've arranged
to come and buy drugs.

No one, no one would mug you
in such sort of open space.

Wow.
Oh, God, this must be them.

Here they are.
The cavalry is arriving.

That is a weird sport.

Okay, they're coming now. We've got
to stop laughing. Look serious.

Wow, they're fast.

- Hi!
- Hi!

Hi. Oh, they're very... Oh!

- Hello.
- Hello! Very good.

Are you allowed to do that
in the streets?

We do it anyway.
Oh, okay. Bad boys.

Like your style. I'm Roisin.
- I'm Sara. Hi.
- Hi.

How long have you been doing
- this for?
- And are you a gang?

Yeah, we would say so.

So we've been practising
since we was 12, I think.

- Wow.
- Is this very popular in Norway,
what you're doing?

Yeah. As we say Norwegian are
born with the skis on their feet.

Someone who's given birth twice,
I'm like ooh.

And do you do it to practice
for the actual slope or is it
a separate thing on its own?

Yeah, we're practising
for the cross country skis
- in the winter.
- Okay.

You compete on -
In the summer we compete
with rubber skis sometimes,

but it's more often in the winter.
Okay, I see.

How long do you think it will
take us to learn how to do this?

So have you been skiing before or?

No, we've not been skiing ever.
So, this is gonna be interesting.

- Yeah.
- Balance must be important.
Check this out.

Maybe the most important.
I can just stay for ages.

Look, they're all like,
"Oh, she's gonna be good".

Now to practice for a sport
we've never done before
on a hard tarmac surface.

When he's taking his left foot
down, his right pole is going there.

It's the opposite, like.
Okay. Oh!

Always when we come to a country
I want to try things that normal
tourists don't get a chance to do.

You watch other people
going fast on something,

you think, "Ah, that's really fun,
let me at 'em".

And then, I was instantly chastened
by the danger element.

Oh. Shit.
There we go. There we go.

It doesn't feel very elegant
when you turn back round.

Oh, you turned though!

Right, okay.
I'm going too fast. Stop!

It feels like it's something
that someone's cursed us with.

"For the rest of your days,
you will have wheels for feet."

Yeah, I'm sort of getting
the hang of it.

Yeah, like that,
you're doing really great
for doing it the first time.

Oh, it was very much
an enjoyable experience.

Woo-hoo!

If Roisin had been bit more steady,
I think we'd have had more fun,

because I was partly worried.

Oh, God. It's too fast.

How do I stop? Oh!

It's very frightening. Cos you just
think you're gonna fall
the whole time.

Help! Oh...

It's like ice skating
but you normally have something
you can hold on to for ages.

And I did, but it was
a 16-year-old or, you know,

he was like...

I was just... stay here... Oh, God.
...with your knees a bit tucked.

I wanna stop.
But what I'm hoping is in this edit

you'll just speed me up really fast

and put really good music on it,
make me look cool.

Morning.

Help, help! Fuck this.

Have you ever done this
with anyone worse?

Erm, no not actually.

See, that feels fantastic.

Maybe I'd like skiing
as long as it was sort of flat.

I didn't wanna look like
I was having a great time

while Roisin was struggling.
It was fun.

Absolutely disagreed
with the reviews. Didn't think

Norwegians have lost it.
This seems to me like common sense.

You can't ski on snow,
you popped some wheels on.

Clogs, on the other hand,
from Denmark, wooden shoes.

You know? They've lost it.

They're very honest,
the Norwegians, I like it.

He said I was the worst person
he'd ever done it with.
And I'd improve that much.

It sounds exactly like
when I lost my virginity.

Okay. Thank you very much.
It was lovely to meet you.

I tell you what,
turning round is so inelegant.

Bye, guys! Thanks for teaching us!

- - Bye.
- Good-bye.
- Bye!

Do you think we should skate
to our next thing?

What is the next thing?
- I don't know.
- Hospital.

We're in Norway. Known for fjords,

fisherman's cabins,
oh, and black metal.

Famous for its up-tempo songs,
Satan worship and church burnings,

Black Metal is Norway's
biggest cultural export.

So, to see why
the lovely Norwegian people
are so keen on this dark music,

we've arranged to meet a local band
at their rehearsal space.

Would you like to hear some reviews
of black metal music?

Which is so huge
in parts of Norway.
Such a big question.

I sort of feel like this is
the gateway drug to going in there.
Go on then.

One star.

Yes.

I'm quite scared of death.
I don't like Satan and stuff.

Is it pro-Satan or anti-Satan?

Well, he's just getting
a lot of air time.

- Yeah.
- What's the band called?

I don't know. We're gonna find out.
Oh, Christ.

I don't think it's that.

Vinterbris are a melodic
black metal band.

Their name may sound satanic,

but actually it means
"winter's breeze".

I think I've got a candle
called that.

- We ready?
- Yeah.

- We just have to go in. Ready?
- Yeah.

First impressions, it was too loud.

If it is, like, can you survive this

I'm probably not gonna
be that relaxed.

Sara did some good dancing.

I actually thought
it might be my new thing.

Imagine that.
"Is Sara coming?" "Which one?"

"Oh, you know the one
who's into black metal."

"What? The mum of two
from North London?"

"Yeah, she's into black metal now."

It's very much like a panic attack.

And I guess that's the vibe.

Yeah. It's an extreme genre
that kind of has a lot of feelings

and the thing is to get
that creature out of you.

And heavy metal is huge in Norway.

- Certain parts of it.
- Yeah.
Black metal it's called, isn't it?

- Black metal.
- Why is it called
black metal over heavy metal?

More distortion,
more kind of gritty sound.

And so what is the vocal?
How do you sing?

It's kind of like screaming,
you know?
But it is. At some point.

- Yeah, scream singing.
- Yeah.

You're supposed to like use
all the capacity in your lungs.

- Yeah.
- And it would be like
Ahh!

But then,
you'd add even more volume.

Banged your toe.
So it'd be (SCREAMS LOUDER) Ahh!

Banged one of your elbow.

And then you could pitch it
with your mouth so it can go deeper,

so it could be like
Ooh.

Sorry.

But Roisin's got
a really scary voice.

I don't know if this is right.

I used to climb inside a duvet cover
and pretend to my sister

I was going to another side,
I used to do this voice,

I'm going to the other side!
You'll never mind me again.

So, you inhale, right?
That's another type of style.

I've never done it to, a song.
Why don't we...

You do the drums, I do the songs.
Can we -Sorry.

We just invited ourselves
- into your band.
- Do you wanna try?

We're very dark of heart.
Then you're welcome.
- Thank you.
- Great.

You gotta do this one and the leg
- at the same time.
- Yeah.

And then in between...

I think I can't do the rhythm.

That's the same.

I couldn't hear you
cos I was drumming so loud.
Were you singing well?

No, I was trying to put...
said things like I like cornflakes.

Just positivity.

Didn't look like I was having
a great time.

Don't think anyone thinks,
"This person's a natural".

Like if black metal's Simon Cowell
walked past.

I love people like, "These girls
look like they've got something."

That was a very positive song.
A natural.

Safe to say our metal
is more beige than black.

So, it's over to Vinterbris
for one last tune.

Yeah. It's not for me.
That's war music.

Sorry, don't everyone start
emailing me going,

you're not listening right.
I couldn't cos I've
already gone deaf.

- - I'm, I'm buzzing.
- Yeah.
- I feel like
I've been at a very short concert.

My ears are buzzing.

We had to run out.
I'm being very mean
and they seem very nice.

But listen, they'll think
the music I like's shit. So...

No one's ever gone on a killing
spree after listening to Boyzone.

You're absolutely right, Sara.

After seeing the dark side
of Norwegian culture,

it's time to visit somewhere
even more unpleasant.

The olden days.

This is very nice.
A living museum.

Hello, walls! Are you alive?

I feel like a living
museum sometimes.

Living museum for what happened
in the '90s.

The museum shows visitors
what life was like in 1800s Bergen

with a cast of actors bringing
the small town dramas to life.

We're looking forward
to Ibsen meets Emmerdale.

"You ate my herring, pickler!"
"Yes, I am!"

So, do you wanna hear a review?
Yes, please.

Okay. One star.

Okay, I've been called
a so-called comedian
many, many times.

So, I'm gonna give
these so-called actors

the benefit of the doubt.
Yeah, this sounds like
someone who didn't get the gig.

- A rival from another museum.
- Yeah.

- Shitting all over them.
- Yeah.
Also, I've done jobs like this.

- Yeah.
- I've done historical
acting in places.

You know, the Meridian in Greenwich.

Telling people about when time
was discovered.

You can join in then.
Yeah, I will join in.

As soon as I know the facts,
I'll be in there.
I'll be like, my turn!

All right, let's go in six.
It starts in four minutes.
Great. Let's go.

I could've told you that
if we were on the meridian.

We're just in time to catch
a short play about

our favourite topic, dental care.

So, Ladies and gentlemen,
come closer. It's nothing
to be afraid of.

I'm the dentist by the way.

But as it turns out, only one
of the actors has turned up.

I'm just waiting for some customers.

They will arrive quite soon, I hope.

I just have to wait, I'm afraid.

This is where we could get up,
do a song and dance for everyone.

What's the best time to visit
the dentist? 2:30.

Get 'em warmed up. This stuff.

So, erm...

...we wait for a few minutes
and then we are ready.

Trouble is I'm coming up
on my third coffee.
I need something to happen.

- Oh, God.
- I thought
they'd be on time.

I don't like waiting.

Are you ready?

- Not yet.
- Not yet.

Oh, my God.

I think we should just
- create a bit of drama.
- Yeah?

- Oh, no!
- Oh! It's okay, I'm fine.
I'm fine. It's okay.

- It's okay.
- She's got a sore tooth.

Yeah, she's just...

- Good acting.
- Yeah.

Here we go.
- But, why?
- You know why.

Oh, God. You're getting married.

So, you've to get all your teeth
pulled out now, so your husband

don't have to pay for it
- in the future.
- All of them?

I got mine out for my confirmation.

Then you got nice
new dentures in. It'll be all right.

Welcome, welcome.
- I bid you welcome.
- Oh!

It's nothing to worry about.
It takes about half an hour.

Half an hour?
Yes, I'll wait for you here.

This way. Come on.

We have to help that lady.

I disagree with the review.
It's good stuff.

Calling it a play is pushing it,
but it's a lovely immersive piece.

They use this space well.
She runs upstairs,
comes out the window,

you're like, "Lovely stuff.
Like a Western".

I'm not finished!

She's covered in blood.

I found out awful things.
It was quite informative

that all women had to get all their
teeth removed before you got married

so your husband
didn't have to pay for it.
Good performers.

Little bit of gore,
tiny little bit of smut.

Come with me and I show you
my instruments.

Excuse me.

It was a little bit of a...
This is theatre, baby.
I'm all for it.

Thank you.

Right, Sara. What next?

- - Voss?
- Okay.
- Camping, outdoors,
stars, women bonding.

So, we've done
quite a lot in Bergen,

now, we're gonna see
a bit more of the countryside.

And we're gonna go,
dare I say it, hellish camping

but somewhere beautiful.

Erm, so go somewhere nice,
do an awful thing.

That's sort of the vibe, right?

We're exploring Norway,

a country which has prompted
this review.

So, we've decided to see the most
FIT landscapes in the world

via the worst thing ever invented, camping.

We've come to the station.
We've been lent this stuff for free.

There's a place called BUA and it's
like a Christian missionary

and in Norway,
they lend it to you for free.

So, you don't have
to buy it and have waste.

Just give it back. It's amazing.

And we're going to Voss.
Voss. No, camping.

To some beautiful place
to do a terrible activity.

- You think it'll convert me?
- Yeah.

That's my, that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna convert you.

You're gonna become a camping gal.
All right, let's go get the train.
All right.

You managed to get off a bit
- lightly there, didn't you?
- I did.

We have left it a little bit late.
I meanWe've got so much stuff.

Quick, quick, quick.

Here is three. Oh, hello.

- Snazzy.
- Your Majesty.

We're heading east
to the small town of Voss.

On a train one passenger
described as...

So, we'll fit right in.

Want to hear a review
of this train, Sara?

I'd absolutely love one.
I can't imagine anyone saying
anything negative.

One star.

"The train is not particularly clean
or well maintained.

"The toilets had no soap
and the seat's very loose.

"The worst train I've ever been on".

Is that King Charles and Camilla?
Who, this is so comfy!

It is actually, they've
signed it themselves.

"At the end you didn't even see
much of the landscape either."

- What!
- You know what
I reckon they were doing?

They were busy typing
in their phone, moaning,

they forgot to look out.

So pretty. Wow.

This is it, isn't it?
This is being on holiday.

The bridge, the water.
It's so relaxing.

Shrubbery and the big black tunnels.

I guess that's the thing.
You got to keep your eyes out

- in case then... Fjord!
- Yeah.

Here we go.
Let's see what can see.

Let's gulp down some beauty.
Num num num, gone.

Oh, gone, yeah.

Feels like a supermarket dash.

Maybe it's like
a philosophical lesson.

Appreciate the view while
it's there. Your eye's eating it.

- Num num num.
- Oh, it's gone.

I'm trying to get the beauty in.
Yeah.

In a sort of gluttonous way.
Cos I'm trying to enjoy the view

and in my ear I can hear
'num num num num num'.

Num num num num num.

It's sort of undermining it.

Num num num num num.

Here we are.

Voss, baby! Look. A lovely hotel.

Why can't we stay
in a hotel in Voss?

Cos the reviews are too good.

But not all reviewers
think Voss is boss.

- Some of them are cross.
- One star.

"Voss is a small town with little
interest in itself. I was bored."

- Hmm.
- There's a three star
This is more positive.

"I'd say there plenty to do there.
You just need to be creative."

- That's us.
- Yeah, we're creative.
That is us, baby.

Let's go show these mountains
a good time.

Voss is mainly a ski resort.
But as it's summer,
and we've been banned

from ever roller skiing again,
we're setting up camp by the lake

to enjoy the Nordic concept
of friluftsliv. Or open-air life.

I mean, it is absolutely stunning.

I can't hear anything.
Apart from us.

Sometimes zero stars
- comes up in our favour.
- Yeah.

It's overwhelmingly beautiful.
I can't believe
people got bored here.

I don't think you need
to do anything

but sit and smell that air.

I should have looked up
whether Norway has snakes
before we went camping.

You say things like this as we
approach the campsite.

Right, so it's free roam,
right to roam or whatever.

- So, you can camp anywhere?
- Yeah.

So we can do it by the beach then.
Yeah, let's go down here.

Sure it's legal, Sara?
Don't wanna wake up
with the Feds round me.

I don't wanna wake up with a bear
poking his head through.

- Oh, I'd love that.
- Would you?

A cow, a bear, a horse. Yes, please.
Yeah. All those big animals.

Yeah. I like a big animal.
If you know what I mean.

All right, so I think tent
is the most important thing
to get up first.

Do you think it's a pop-up or no?

It's definitely not pop-up
- because these are separate.
- Okay.

Whoo. I will not do this ineptly.
- Oh, no.
- For women everywhere.

Rosh, we're doing this for women,
- I was about to say.
- I'm not.

Some women don't give a shit
about camping. And that's me.

Right. How do you get
in there then, man?

There's this but there's no in.

That's what I thought.
There was like a bit of tube
inside normally.

Camping is taking everything
you do in your normal life
and make it more difficult

so when you get home, you really
appreciate having a toilet.

Okay. No. That's definitely,
I've got definitely in the wrong.

- Stop it.
- This is silly.

You think yellow ones
to go in the yellow one,
red ones to go in the red one?

- - I think that now.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

There might be
some instructions.

They're Norwegian.
Don't mansplain us tent making.

Right. I think this goes
in the end of a tube here.

So, this does go here.
Yeah, damn, yeah.

- Yes. That's it!
- That's it!
You've got it! You got in it!

Yeah, you fucker.

It's a lot of admin, camping.

That's the fun of it. That's why,
it's not one star, nothing to do.

You've got loads to do.
- Just survive?
- Yeah.

You don't get this view
from a hotel.

This is nice, to be fair.
It is nice.

Our tent was up. Now, make flames.

Oh, my God. Roisin! You made a fire!

Yeah, Irish holidays.

They didn't have a central heating
in my nan's house, it's fires.

It's very close to our seating area.

I don't think you should put that.

No, I'm putting it here
for you to sit on.

I think you could enjoy
the fire you made.

Cos I'm a gentleman.

- My lady.
- Thank you.

We need to get our snacks.

I think you've to run across
really fast. What do you need?

Grab them all.

Careful. It's very flamey.

This is fun, isn't it?
Yeah. I just thought of a pun.
Wanna hear it?

- Go on.
- Roastin' Conaty.

The fire's lovely now.
It's lovely and warm.

Camping is a thing I don't love
but this has been actually very fun.

I hate it when I'm sort of enjoying
things that I sort of am against.

This is a lovely end to what
has been a pretty amazing trip.

Yeah. Did you like Bergen?
Loved Bergen.

I'm gonna say something.
Might be my favourite.

Norway might be expensive,
but I think our trip was good value.

It doesn't cost anything
to enjoy the scenery,

or hang out with teenagers
in an empty car park.

And most importantly, spend
some quality time with a friend.

You got yourself locked in!
Help! Help! Help!

My review is four fjord banana
peels out of five.

Norway, I love you. Five stars.
Absolutely wonderful place.

That blue coat I bought in Bergen,
I lost it.

I'm using this time to appeal
for anyone to find that coat.

I lost it in Wales.
Or someone in Norway
send me another one.

Five stars Norway. Love you.

Well, we've got a long night ahead.

- Yeah.
- We need to tell
scary stories or something.

I was once camping with Roisin
and we both caught fire.

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