Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Wait till y'all see this thing, t-this is huge.

If you Xeroxed your butt again, I'm not interested.

Uncle Phil, wait till you see this bill.

Lisa spent $1200 on a bed.

I hope that thing comes with a canopy 'cause at that price

that's the only roof we're gonna have over our heads.

Yeah, well, get used to it, Will.

You're about to marry and you know how women are.

No, Philip, how are we?

Fine. And you?

Uncle Phil, I'm telling you it's not like Lisa

to spend this kind of money.

I-I-I'm telling you, she's possessed.

It's like some evil force has taken over her mind.

Something not of this Earth.

[door opens]

Hi, everyone. Is Lisa here yet?

We're going shopping again today.

[psychedelic music]

Ah!

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped-turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground was where I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started making trouble in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're movin' with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I could say that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to the house about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell ya later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[door opens]

Excuse me.

Hey, what's up, bro? How you doing?

I'm looking for my cousin, she works over in the next set.

Oh, she's the host of the Hilary Banks Show.

What's her name?

Ah...Cleopatra Jones.

Cleopatra Jones.

Brother, look, no..

Look, she's tall, light-skinned sister.

She drives a red Maserati.

Oh, dag, that's your cousin?

She's fine.

She's right over there.

Thank you.

Hey, tell Cleopatra, Reggie said, "What's up?"

(man on PA) 'Cameras and audio, stand by, please.'

Hey, Hil, what's up? Check out.

Look, I'm in a little bit of a bind here.

Now, I found Lisa's engagement ring

but I don't get paid until Thursday.

I was wondering, you know, could you lend me a couple of hundred

you know, just for the deposit?

(Hilary) 'I think I'm gonna faint.'

[Hilary giggles]

Alright, cool, but while you're down

can I get some dough out your wallet?

Hi.

Hilary Banks, right?

[Hilary giggles]

[Will chuckles] I'm pretty sure he's talking to you.

I-I see you around here a lot.

- You like our show? - I can't take my eyes off it.

- Can I touch it? - Places, everybody.

(Jerry) Okay, people, work like you're being paid.

Come on, one more scene and we're home.

What a fabulous butt.

Well, you know, it gets me around.

Set, please.

And we're counting in five, four, three, two..

The police think I killed Carlos.

But on the night he was killed

you were here with me painting my portrait.

You can give me an alibi.

- I'll go to the police now. - Alright, but be careful.

The roads are so icy.

Don't worry, I'll be fine.

Royce..

I owe you my life.

(Ina) 'We're clear!'

Get rid of that kid, Jerry.

I think he's a pretty good actor.

Well, who cares?

I'm the star, and I say replace him.

Hey, you can't treat an actor like that.

What do you think he is, a writer?

Okay, please. Um..

Hil, I-I gotta be honest, I, I kind of agree with her.

I mean, come on, man, the dude's a brother.

And he ain't supposed to be like

"I'm looking for a Julius Caesar salad."

I mean, come on, man, you know

he got to be down here, you know.

Hey, look, baby, you need the cops

we don't need to go down the station.

All I got to do is walk out your front door carrying your TV

you know, okay, man.

Who in the hell is this?

Our new Royce.

Hire him, Jerry.

Now.

Huh?

Yo, you're not gonna believe what happened to me today.

- I got some great news. - Ah! You're moving out?

- Even better. - I'm moving out?

I can't wait to hear your great news, honey.

- Oh, listen-- - But I'm gonna have to.

Troy and I are working late on our book tonight.

- Troy? - Mm-hm.

Professor T. Johnson is a Troy?

What did you think the T stood for?

Well, I was hoping Thelma.

Bye-bye, everybody.

- Bye, mom. - Love you, mom.

Can we get back tomoi,please?

I got a part on that soap opera, "Now and Forever."

Oh, please. They hired you

somebody who's never acted a day in his life

to star in a network TV show.

Pfft.

Well, it happens.

Uncle Phil, I'm telling you, man, my money troubles are over.

Look, I-I need you to check out my contract.

Man, I ain't seen so many zeros

since Carlton's square dance recital.

Hardy har, hello.

What a sense of humor.

And you don't think this guy has talent.

You know, you're going to the top, Will.

But you're overlooking one small thing.

What? You mean beside that little chocolate Tic Tac

you call your head?

Ha, ha! Killing me.

He's killing me. Ha, ha.

But, seriously, Will, you know, you're going to need management.

Someone to look out for you. Someone to..

- Take ten percent? - Why, I'd love to.

Will, aren't you nervous about acting?

- I mean, that show's done live. - Ah, pfft. Nervous?

Come on, Ashley. What are you talking about? I'm a natural.

I can do this part in my sleep.

[soft music playing on TV]

Do I play a convincing coma victim or what?

Well, you're no Sunny Von Bulow.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Look, laugh if you want to

but tomorrow, I'm coming out of my coma.

You mean, you're actually gonna speak?

That's right, I called all my boys in Philly.

They're gonna watch it on a big-screen TV.

I mean, I just hope that Sears lets them stay

for the whole show.

Baby, do you still want me to help you learn your lines?

Oh, yeah, and I'll help you into the kitchen.

Oh, you know, ever since I bought her this big old ring..

[Will grunting]

She have a hard time walking without falling over.

You know what I'm saying? Come on, baby.

[Will mumbling indistinctly]

- Oh, hi, daddy. - Hi, baby.

You wanna see Will's show? We have it on tape.

Oh, no, thank you. Soap operas don't interest me.

Oh, this one's hot, daddy.

See, Joan was having an affair with Carlos

right behind her husband's back.

Oh, not that they were in the same room or anything.

But Joan lied, and told her husband

she'd been working late at the office

writing her memoirs.

That reminds me, sir, Mrs. Banks called to say

she'll be working late again with Professor Johnson

at her office writing her book.

"Jody, I can't believe my eyes.

Please, come closer."

"Oh, Royce, I'll never leave you again.

Tell me you love me."

"I love you."

Hey!

Girl, what you doing? That wasn't in my script.

Yeah, well, that kiss wasn't in mine.

Oh, well, come on, baby. That was a ad-lib.

All of us good actors do it.

That's.. That ain't personal.

I-I might as well be kissing Flavor Flav

gold teeth and all.

Will, the only person I want you kissing on is me.

Whoa, Whoa! Hey, hey, hey, now, come on, baby. Now, be fair.

The only reason I even took this job

was to put that ring on your finger

and to make you happy.

So if I have to crawl into bed with ten beautiful woman

that's just a sacrifice I'm gonna have to make.

[music continues]

(Ina) 'Alright, people, places.'

Coming back from commercial in ten seconds.

Excuse me, but I can't flush the commode.

C, it's a prop.

Nice seeing you again, Joan.

(Jerry) I need show energy, people.

Okay, stand by, Ina, and counting.

(Ina on speakers) 'Coming in five, four, three, two..'

Oh, Royce, thank God you're conscious.

Now you can confirm my alibi.

But first, there's someone here

who can't wait another moment to see you.

Not..

- Not.. - That's right.

Jody.

Hello, sleepyhead.

I'll leave you two alone.

You have a lot of catching up to do.

No, wait.

Jody..

I can't believe my eyes.

Please, come closer.

Royce..

Royce, tell me you love me.

I, I love you.

Royce, I don't blame you for being angry with me, I don't.

But I promise, I'll never leave you alone again.

[squeaking]

I-I-I can't tell you how that makes me feel.

[mellow music]

(Philip) Okay, sweetheart, bye-bye.

I don't believe it.

Vivian's working late with the professor again tonight.

Geoffrey, do you realize she has missed dinner

every night this week?

And yet, inexplicably, we've had no leftovers.

Geoffrey, can I ask you a question?

If you were a woman..

...would you find me attractive?

Nope.

Well, now-now, I know this is gonna sound absurd

but I think that Vivian and the professor are having a

uh-uh-uh..

Oh, sir, surely not.

The two of them have absolutely nothing in common.

Why, he's 15 years her junior.

Whatever would they do together?

Hey, baby, you know, I-I've been thinking.

You know what? I-I'm just gonna quit.

I-I know how uncomfortable the love scenes make you.

They don't make me uncomfortable.

Oh, sure they do.

[mumbling]

You did..

Will, that was before you explained it to me.

I believe you said, and I quote

"I might as well be kissing Flavor Flav."

But, of course, that was when Flavor Flav was a woman.

Hey, hey, hey, look here, man.

That ain't got nothing to do with it.

And besides, ain't you got something to do?

No, sadly, this is the high point of my day.

That and coming up with names for my Chia Pet.

What do you think of Larry?

La-la-la Larry.

La-la-la Larry.

[Lisa laughs]

Look, babe, babe, the-the truth is

I'm-I'm just not that good an actor.

Well, you seem like you're doing

a pretty good job to me right now.

Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

Don't worry, you're gonna do just fine.

You know what?

You're right, I am.

Thanks a lot, babe, I-I-I feel a whole lot better.

I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna knock 'em dead.

[both chuckle]

- Bye. - I'll see you later.

Carlton, please get me off the show.

Are you insane?

I-i-if you quit, you don't get paid.

But what's most important is, I don't get paid.

Look, the only way you can leave

and still get the money is if they fire you.

Carlton, sometimes, man

I just wanna hug you.

Oh..

But this ain't one of them times.

(man on TV) '"Now And Forever" will be right back after these messages.'

Master William's scene is next.

I must say, it is exciting

watching him on the telly.

I guess, but it's true what they say

being on TV does add ten pounds.

So does watching it.

Will, isn't this rewrite great?

- Oh, I haven't read it yet. - Will, are you crazy?

Do you realize you're live on air in 60 seconds?

Oh, yep, yep.

(Ina) 'Places, people.'

(Jerry) 'Okay, people, one more scene and we're on the freeway.'

Oh, my God. Ina, get that damn

midget manager off my set.

Doesn't he know those stairs go nowhere?

Gt ready to count.

In five, four, three, two..

To freedom.

I'll drink to that.

Royce, if it wasn't for you

I'd be in prison right now.

I should be the happiest woman alive.

[whimpers]

You still miss Carlos, don't you?

More than I can say.

Hm.

I know how you feel.

I know you do.

You love Jody so very much.

Actually, uh..

We-we broke up.

Nobody panic, nobody panic.

She's a pro, she'll get the kid back.

Uh, don't you mean that you, uh..

That you, uh..

That you thought about breaking up, but you decided against it

and-and now your love is stronger than ever?

No, no, no. L-like I told you, we broke up.

You wanna dance?

- Come on. - Oh!

Oh, don't be silly, darling.

Any minute now my husband's gonna

come right through that door.

- Now can we panic? - Cue dough boy.

I don't care if he's not ready

get him in there now, now, now!

I said, any minute now

my husband is going to walk through that door and say..

Where are we?

Derek, darling, what a surprise.

What are you doing here so early?

I...don't know.

[clears throat]

Sure you do.

You came here to give her something.

Remember?

Ah, yes.

I'm sorry it had to end this way, my dear.

If only my little plot to frame you had worked.

- You mean, you killed Carlos? - No, that was me.

That's right, I shot Carlos.

And that's not all..

I'm the one who shot J.R. too.

And I shot the sheriff.

But I did not shoot the deputy.

Do you ever wanna work in this town again..

...painting portraits?

No.

But you see, I'm young and I'm restless.

I only got one life to live

so I got to follow my guiding light and search for tomorrow.

Follow him, camera four.

I don't care if he goes to the commissary.

[clicks fingers]

Hey, who knows if I'll wind up

living out the days of my life

in a mansion in Dallas

or on the comer of Melrose Place

drinking Falcon Crest out of a brown paper bag.

Royce, don't you care about anybody but yourself?

Sure I do.

I care about you.

It's not 'cause of those expensive clothes

or your fancy jewelry.

That big Zsa Zsa wig you've been wearing.

I love you for who you are.

Who you really are.

The bald and the beautiful!

Isn't this great? I told daddy the soaps aren't predictable.

Got that right.

[Joan shrieking]

(male narrator) Tune in tomorrow for another episode of

"Now and Forever."

We're clear.

What the hell do you think you were doing?

I want him fired, Jerry.

- Fired! - Oh, well, now.

Wait a minute, hey, hey, if I get fired

y'all still got to give me mine.

- Ai-ain't that right, C? - That's right.

I demand you give my client what's coming to him.

Oh, I'd be glad to.

[thump]

[instrumental music]

Sir, this is a letter to Mrs. Banks from him.

Oh, just go for it, sir. I'll swear it came that way.

- "Dear Vivian.." - Good lord!

Oh, I can't believe it either. He called her "Dear."

Philip, are you reading my mail?

- Hm? - It didn't come this way!

Ooh!

So now you know.

Philip, I didn't want you to find out this way.

What were you gonna do? Throw me a surprise party?

No, but I wanted to be with you when you read it.

[breathing heavily]

"To the most important person in my life

"my beloved husband, Philip..

"...whose support and patience have made this book possible.

I love you always, Vivian."

You dedicated your book to me.

Of course, sweetheart.

Who else was I going to dedicate it to?

Professor Johnson?

That noodle-neck kid stomps on my last nerve.

- I love you. - Aw.

Hey, hey, Uncle Phil, Aunt Viv.

Get a room.

Interesting performance, Master William.

I haven't seen such a disaster on the telly

since they cancelled "Manimal."

Well, I got paid, didn't I?

I'm gonna just sob all the way to the bank.

You know what I'm saying?

[feigns crying]

Give me my money.

Oh, Will, it's too bad you won't get a chance

to work with Halle Barry.

Ple-please tell me you meant Chuck Berry.

Well, it's all here in Soap Opera News.

Apparently you or whatever lucky devil will be playing Royce

comes out of the coma a changed man.

According to this

Royce is moving in with Miss Berry next week.

- Didn't you get your script? - Ah!

I knew there was something I forgot.

Head start, coming in five

four, three, two..

[screams]

[instrumental music]

[theme music]