Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Hey, G, what is your idea of

like, the perfect wedding?

Any one at which I'm not serving hors d'oeuvres

or pouring champagne.

Wow! Then you're going to think ours sucks.

- Hey, Uncle Phil, what's up? - How you doin', Will?

Uh, remember Lisa's pop's comin' in

from Cleveland this afternoon

so don't be late for dinner.

[chuckles] My fault.

Second there, I forgot who I was talking to, you know that?

Well, I'm actually looking forward to meeting him.

We'll probably discuss the wedding while he's here.

In fact, I have finished the guest list.

And, good news, I've kept it small. Just 300 people.

Three hundred?

Who're you inviting, the entire Wayans family?

Come on, Uncle Phil, who are these people?

Well, they're just, you know, business associates

uh, contributors to my campaign

and people I need to suck up to.

Uh, how about the people that I want to invite?

- Like who? - Uh, how about my mom?

Oops.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called bel-air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're movin' with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it yo holmes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie yo holmes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

(Will) 'Uncle Phil, the thing is we-we really didn't expect'

all of these people, I thought we said that we were gonna

have the wedding in the garden.

It is gonna be in the garden, Will.

The garden at the Bel-Air Country Club.

Uh, gee, you know, I-I kind of miss the good old days

when you were against this wedding.

[chuckles] Ah, I see the problem.

See, you're under the impression that this wedding is for you.

[southern accent] Oh, what the hell was I thinkin'?

Get this straight, son..

...my cash, my party.

And I'm going to network like it's 1999.

G, does anybody in this house care what I want?

No.

What are you guys doing?

Hilary's being audited by the IRS.

Thanks to you.

Carlton said he could save me money

so I let him do my taxes.

Relax, I'll take care of it.

I don't understand any of this.

I have money invested in companies

I've never even heard of.

- Like what? - Like Carlton Co.

I said I'll take care of it.

Look, I don't wanna scare you

but these bureaucrats are heartless.

Well, what should I do?

Smile, be polite and wear a spandex dress

that makes them sit up and say, "Aye, chihuahua."

Carlton, that's terrible, Hilary would never

degrade herself like that.

Absolutely not.

[sighs] I'll wear leather.

Why don't you just wear hot pants

and a bustier with two big cones on it?

Before Memorial Day? Pfft!

[instrumental music]

- Huh? Whoo! - Oh.

I don't want you to worry, baby.

It's your wedding, so you two should get

exactly what you want.

Besides, it's the father of the bride

who throws the wedding.

So, I-I'll set Will's uncle straight.

- Right. - Oh, thank you, daddy.

- Oh. - Mwah!

Yeah, thank you, daddy.

Uh, I was raised in France. You know, we..

Oh, hey, here's the man now.

- What's up, Uncle Phil? - Hey, son.

Uncle Phil, this is Lisa's father, Fred.

Oh, so this is Fred.

It's a pleasure to finally meet you.

- Oh, same here. - Cool.

Enough of the small talk. Look, uh..

Fred has something t-that he wants to say to you.

Right? You know, about the garden?

Oh, yes, Phil, your garden is beautiful.

What are these, perennials?

Those are flowers, Fred.

You know, like a bride carries at a wedding.

Oh, that reminds me, Will, I was at the club

so I put down a deposit on the rose garden.

We're all set.

You know, now would be as good a time as any.

Just dive right in here.

Ladies and gentlemen, Fred.

That's might generous of you, Phil, but as the father

of the bride, I'll take care of the wedding.

[chuckles] I understand where you're coming from, Fred

but since I have to invite several hundred guests

I think it's only fair that I shoulder

the financial responsibility.

Well, I appreciate that, Phil

but I've been talking with the kids and it seems to me

that they have their hearts set on something a little smaller.

- You go, Fred. - Like family and friends.

- Go, Fred. - In a garden.

- Go, Fred. - In Cleveland.

Whoa, Fred.

[instrumental music]

What was I thinking wearing this outfit?

I look like a call girl.

But a very expensive call girl.

Thanks.

Oh, but this just doesn't feel right.

Well, Hilary, y-you can't leave.

There's something I haven't told you.

You could go to prison for this.

Oh, that's ridiculous, it isn't that short.

Hilary, grow up, we're dealing

with the United States government here.

Now hike up that skirt, sister.

Move it.

I'm waiting.

[grunts]

Oh, excuse me, when will Agent Dailey be with us?

I'm Agent Dailey.

Well, this is a serious waste of a Wonderbra.

And for a talk show hostess

a home gymnasium is a justifiable business expense.

What about you, Mr. Banks, do you work out?

Uh..

Well, I try to keep fit.

Looks to me like you succeeded.

Ooh.

I could use something cold to drink. Can I get you anything?

- Uh, nothing for me. - Well, I'll have a..

What an odd duck.

She's just not focusing.

Oh, she's focusing, alright, on your chest.

I mean, as unbelievable and disgusting

as it sounds, she wants you.

That's ridiculous.

You know, this audit is a lot more

complicated than I expected.

Perhaps, we should continue this tomorrow.

Oh, but tomorrow's Sunday. I'm getting a chemical peel.

Oh, can't miss that.

Mr. Banks and I can handle this without you.

- We can? - Yes.

I wanna just get together and crunch some numbers.

[laughing]

You know, Phil, i-it sounds to me like

you don't think my hometown is good enough

for you and your ritzy friends.

Hey, man, why you ain't tell me you invited the Ritzy's?

Fred, let me simplify this for you.

Now, ha, ha, if flying out here

is a problem for you and your guests

don't worry about it, it's on me.

I'm gonna be on you too, you keep throwing

your money in my face, you fat cat.

Okay. Ding, ding, ding!

All sumo wrestlers to the showers!

I'll have you know, I put $10,000 aside for this wedding.

Please, that wouldn't even cover the invitations.

Okay, okay.

♪ Kumbaya my Lord ♪

♪ Everybody Kumbaya ♪

Now, there is nothing wrong with bein' a hardworkin' man.

Have you ever done an honest day's work?

I happen to be a judge.

I'll take that as a no.

Now, just wait a minute, you guys.

Yeah, this thing's getting completely outta hand.

You just stay out of this, Will.

Yeah, this does not concern you.

And you, you can forget about coming to Cleveland.

Because a big soft marshmallow man like you

you wouldn't last five seconds.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'd like to see you try to fit in

down at the Country Club

crushing beer cans on your head

tellin' everybody why Sears is the place to buy tires.

Oh, I know you don't wanna talk about tires.

Oh, no, you don't. You wanna take this outside?

- 'We are outside.' - 'Fine.'

- 'You wanna take it inside?' - 'Inside and upstairs..'

[instrumental music]

[doorbell rings]

(Geoffrey) 'I'm coming!'

Coming.

Just my luck.

Whitney Houston and I had just survived

a nuclear holocaust.

And now I was the last man on Earth.

- What is going on? - Where's Mr. Moneybags?

Hey, what do you mean by disturbing my family

this early in the morning?

You call 5:30 early?

Hell, the day is half gone.

And so is my little girl.

- What are you talking about? - Here.

- Oh, my God. - What is it?

Will and Lisa have run off to Las Vegas.

They've eloped.

Well, goodnight.

Forget it, Hilary.

There's no way I'm gonna cheapen myself

to satisfy the urges of that she-devil down at the IRS.

Excuse me, but aren't you the guy

who ran his picture in the personals

with the word "please" written under it.

Hey, I met a nice gal through that ad.

In-in some cultures, it's considered a real turn-on

for a woman to have a sloped forehead.

Oh. Did you guys hear?

- Will and Lisa eloped. - Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carlton, if you don't do this

I'm gonna tell daddy all about Carlton Co.

Fine. N-next time you wanna sit up all night

and girl talk, don't call me.

[sighs] I'm definitely the Marilyn Munster

of this family.

You know, this is all your fault, Fred.

If you'd just listened to those kids

they probably wouldn't have run off.

Me? You're the one that wanted them

to get married in a damn sand trap.

The Bel-Air Country Club does not happen to be a..

Excuse me, excuse me for interrupting

but don't you think it's time for you two to call a truce?

Both of your kids are married.

Like it or not, we're all family now.

You know..

...she's right, Fred.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

My poor Yvonne, she always wanted Lisa

to get married in a big church wedding.

She's probably turning in her grave right now.

You're lucky she's dead.

What?

Uh, uh, I mean, my wife is still alive.

What?

She's gonna kill me when she finds out about this.

Ah.

You want a beer?

Actually, I'd prefer a white wine spritzer.

Oh, I'm sorry we weren't at the wedding

but, you know, two kids running off

in the middle of the night like that.

- Kind of romantic, huh? Ha, ha. - Yeah, and a whole lot cheaper.

Hey.

[both laugh]

Right this way.

[both giggling]

Hey, now, this is more like it.

Ain't no way I was getting married at a place

called Temple Emanuel L. Lewis.

Welcome to the Chapel of Soul.

I'm Angela and I'll be your wedding coordinator.

Can you dig it?

[Angela laughs]

Well, let's rap about the kind of ceremony you want.

Did you hear that, baby? It's about what we want.

Oh, yeah, that's right, power to the people up in here.

We offer a number of packages here.

Groove on this.

Oh! Ooh, this is the bomb.

Oh, I knew I liked this place.

Baby, look, they got a package on my all-time idol.

Who's that?

"Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine

to all the chicks?"

- Shaft? - You're damn right.

Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, baby, he's been my idol ever since I was a kid.

C-can we have this one?

Baby, can we have the Shaft package, please?

Can we please do that one, baby, please?

Well, okay, baby, but I don't wanna be given away by the pimp.

But, baby, that's what makes the whole..

Al-alright, alright.

[Lisa laughs]

Give us the Shaft.

Well, Hilary's investments were primarily

in mutual funds and stocks although..

...in November, she sold off a number of hairs, uh, shares.

Now, if-if you'll refer to form 2106..

I'm having a little trouble reading my copy.

Well, maybe if you turned on a light.

Why don't I just share yours?

Carlton, this whole audit can be resolved very quickly.

All you have to do is cooperate.

What are you doing?

Nobody has to know, nobody gets hurt.

You're busted, lady.

If you don't sign this form exonerating Hilary

I'll sue you for sexual harassment.

Just try. You have no idea what you're up against.

Neither do you.

I thought you might try something

so I took precautions.

That was a tape recorder?

That's right.

I have the whole sordid encounter

right here on tape, Dailey.

You're dilly-dallying days are done.

Dork.

Will?

Does this look silly?

What are you talking about, baby?

- You look beautiful. - Aww. Ha, ha.

This is exactly how I pictured my wedding.

Well, more or less.

Will, Lisa, your Shaft wedding extravaganza

is ready to begin.

Solid, let's get it on.

Oh, wait, hold on, baby.

I wrote my own vows.

Oh, Will, I can't wait to hear them.

[Isaac Hayes "Shaft" instrumental]

[gasping]

Come, my children.

[Lisa giggles]

♪ Who's the black Philly man that's gonna ♪

♪ Take this fine woman's hand? ♪

♪ Smith ♪

That's fine, that's me.

♪ You're damn right ♪

♪ Who is the man that's got some vows in his hand ♪

♪ To tell his woman? ♪

♪ Will Smith ♪

♪ Can you dig it? ♪

"Lisa..

"...you're my sun, my moon, my stars.

"You're my whole universe.

"You make me feel complete.

I wanna be with you forever.."

♪ Smith ♪

♪ Sure enough ♪

Right. Um..

"From the first time I saw you

"I knew that I wanted to be with you always.

I knew that I wanted to hold you and love you.."

♪ Smith ♪

♪ Will Smith yeah ♪

Right on.

Alright. Um..

♪ They say this cat Smith is a bad mother.. ♪

Shut your mouth.

♪ Well they talking about you ♪

Can I do this, please?

Um, where was I? Uh, "Lisa.."

♪ You're a complicated man ♪

♪ There's no one who understands you but your woman ♪

♪ Will Smith ♪

[sighs]

Look, Lisa, what I'm trying to say is..

[whooping]

Alright, that's enough!

[whooping]

That's it!

Look, Lisa, baby, I'm telling you..

...I want to marry you, but definitely not like this.

Right on, Will.

Oh, by the way, dude

your Isaac Hayes impression stinks.

I don't know, I-I thought it was pretty good.

I don't understand, the IRS is just letting me off?

What did you have to do?

I don't wanna hear this.

Don't worry, Ashley, I've done nothing to be ashamed of.

I blackmailed her.

She was harassing me. Listen to this.

♪ She'll have fun fun fun ♪

♪ Till her daddy takes the T-Bird away ♪

♪ Fun fun fun till her da.. ♪♪

Carlton, that's annoying, but it's not harassment.

Thank God I pressed the wrong button.

The B-side is John Travolta's polka classics.

Okay. Okay, thank you.

[sighs] Phil, I tell you, this is the life, man.

And that butler of yours makes one mean sandwich.

What is that, Grey Poupon?

- Mm. You like it? - Ooh.

Well, I'll see you go home with a case of it.

- Ha, ha. - 'Hey, listen to this.'

Now, the country club let me slide my wedding deposit..

...over to the pro shop.

Now, for five years, I've had my eye

on one of those, those turbo driven golf carts.

- Yeah. - Uh-huh.

So daddy's coming home with a Turf Buddy.

- Alright. - Ha, ha.

Man, you made me think of something.

All my life I wanted a Harley-Davidson.

And with the $10,000 I'm saving on that wedding..

...I can get the hog of life.

[Fred imitates engine revving]

- Five. - Fred. Oh, Fred.

- I'll tell you. - We got some great kids.

Ain't it the truth, huh?

Hey, guys, what's up? Look, we got good news.

No, we already know, we read the note.

Oh, you don't get it, we didn't go through with it.

Well, you know, it just really didn't feel right, you know

without all our family and friends being there.

So hey, we decided you guys can go ahead

with the traditional blowout wedding.

- With all the trimmings. - Yep.

So, uh, Uncle Phil..

...you can fly in all my boys and all my boys' boys

and all my boys' boys' boys, you know what I'm saying?

We're gonna rock that Bel-Air Country Club so hard

we're gonna have Bob Hope up in there doing the tootsie roll

you know what I mean?

Ah, well, hear this, son, you two are gonna get married

right here on this patio and you're gonna like it.

- But, daddy, we decided-- - Don't worry, baby.

We-we'll get you some cake and something

to wash it down with.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can talk about this.

The wedding's not gonna be till May. Ha, ha.

So, Fred, you wanna take a spin around the block

in my Turf Buddy?

- I'm there. - Heh!

Hey, can you pop a wheelie?

Only if he sits on it.

It's like I don't believe this mess.

I mean, doesn't anybody care what we want?

Nope.

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪