Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

(Geoffrey) Mail call!

"Wall Street Journal" for Master Carlton.

Thank you, Geoffrey.

A statement from the Bank Of Bel-Air for Ms. Ashley.

And a plain brown package for me.

I'll be taking my break now.

Bank of Bel-Air?

Yeah. Well, bye.

(Will) See you later, Ash.

Something's afoot.

And something's a foot and a half.

I'm talking about Ashley.

I know where every penny of this family's money is.

And none of it is in the Bank Of Bel-Air.

So?

So, obviously, Ashley's hoarding money.

And I know why.

She's amassing a private fortune

so she can buy out the family business

in a hostile takeover.

A sweater and a string of pearls

and you'd be Angela Lansbury.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house about 7:00 or 8:00 ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

[crashing]

(Ashley) 'Ouch! Shoot!'

Ashley? What are you doing?

Changing for school.

See, um..

Today is, uh, casual day.

Well, uh, that sounds like

the, uh, truth.

Actually, Will, I've been keeping a secret.

And if I don't tell someone, I'm gonna explode.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, don't tell me, 'cause if I know

I can't say I don't know when you get busted

and Uncle Phil start rounding up the usual suspects.

And I am the usual suspects.

I dropped out of Bel-Air Academy

and I've been going to public school

since the beginning of the semester.

I didn't hear that.

- I said I dropped out! - I heard what you said, Ashley.

Ash, what are you.. How can you do that?

I-it was easy. I forged all the papers.

Took daddy's tuition money

and put it in an interest-bearing account.

Pretty good, huh?

You're tripping?

No, no. No, no. You're worse than tripping.

You've fallen and you can't get up!

And he will find out.

And when he does, he's going to ground you

into dust.

Will, you don't understand.

Everything's so fake at Bel-Air Academy.

The teachers, the kids, the noses.

I can't take it anymore.

Please don't tell daddy.

I, look, I ain't gonna dime you, but if he subpoenas me

I'm gonna be singing like Luther.

[keyboard keys clacking]

I'm in! Ha-ha-ha!

Will, come here!

Okay.

"Bank Of Bel-Air?"

Carlton, how hid you tap into those records?

Well, I overrode the configuration files

and deleted the encrypted password.

Goodness.

It's Hack Boy

the stubby-fingered avenger.

Go ahead and joke.

But sometimes you have to go around the law

to expose the greater evil.

Ashley's hiding $10,000!

Now, where did she get that kind of money?

Maybe she's Counterfeit Girl, the sister of Hack Boy.

Look, Carlton, it's none of your business, man.

Why don't you just butt out, alright?

Oh, I see.

She's already gotten to you.

Trust no one.

Will, I don't get it.

My producer told me that I'm losing

my black audience.

Oh.

I-I don't see why, Hil.

I mean, you got the best talk show on TV.

You really think so?

Well, what was your favorite topic?

Uh, yo, uh, the one with the-the, uh

dysfunctional, uh, single parent

uh, gang-member nuns.

Hil, I-I've never actually seen one of your shows.

- Will! - Uh, listen, Hilary, I'm sorry.

You just need to do some stuff that reaches out

to your brothers and sisters.

Why? What have Carlton and Ashley ever done for me?

- Hi. - Hi.

Whoa-ho-ho!

If it isn't Belly Dee Williams.

I was just kidding. Okay, man, you look great.

- Where y'all going? - A fundraiser at the museum.

Boy, do I hate these things.

Then why do you agree to be on the Board of Trustees?

Well, I'm a judge, and judges are supposed to be on boards.

Well, it's just that with you, it's usually a smorgasbord.

Hi, mom. Hi, dad.

- Hi, baby. - Hi, honey.

Will, I need to talk to you.

Bye.

Uh, it's girl talk.

Will, my homeroom teacher insists on meeting my parents.

I've already canceled five times.

She wants to see someone tonight.

Hey, Ashley, you're just gonna have

to come clean with Uncle Phil.

I can't! I'm waiting for the right time.

And when is that?

When we go shopping for my cap and gown.

That's assuming that you're gonna live till graduation.

Will, I need your help.

Ashley, let me sum this up for you in two words.

Unh-unh.

You know, I didn't want to have to say this.

But it's your fault I'm in this mess.

My fault?

Oh, this one here gonna be good.

Before you showed up

I was leading a nice, sheltered existence.

But you made me see there was a whole world beyond Bel-Air

filled with people who take public transportation

and don't have butlers.

I like that world.

It's like a drug, Will

and you got me hooked!

Well, you better go cold turkey before you wind up a dead duck.

- Will. - Ashley, no.

Now, I'm sorry that you got yourself

into this little predicament.

But trying to blame it on me, now, that's just low.

You're right. I can't believe I said that.

You've always been so good to me.

I'm just so desperate.

[sobbing] I'm a terrible, terrible person.

[sobbing]

No. No, no.

Look, don't cry, Ashley. Come on. Come on, alright.

Well, we'll-we'll figure a way out of this, alright?

Thanks, Will. You're a saint.

Wait! What was that?

- What? - You smiled.

I saw your reflection in the window.

Oh, no. That was a happy smile. See?

I don't believe I fell for them crocodile tears.

Girl, you on your own.

Alright, fine!

Be that way!

But if I go down, I'm taking you with me!

[door shuts]

Ashley.

I ain't do nothing!

Do you wanna call your parents and see what happened?

No. Maybe we should reschedule again.

Ashley, is there something you wanna tell me?

Ms. Sharpe..

...the truth is--

Ashley..

There's my little bran muffin.

Oh. Is this your father?

Sure.

Ms. Sharpe, this is, uh, daddy.

Mm.

How can something so smooth be called sharp?

Yes. Well, nice to finally meet you, Mr. Banks.

Raul, please.

Raul.

Oh, and welcome back from the Orient.

[speaking in foreign language]

God bless you, Ms. Sharpe.

It is Ms. Sharpe, isn't it?

- Yes, it is. - Mm.

You're a fine teacher, Ms. Sharpe.

Hey, I bet you could teach me a thing or two..

[groans]

...on the, on the academic side, I mean.

Well, will Mrs. Banks be joining us?

Uh, no, I'm single.

I mean, um, Ashley's mother ran out on us.

Ashley was but a mere tyke at the time.

I had to be both mommy and daddy.

We went from training wheels to training bras.

They both came off too soon, didn't they kitten?

[laughs]

Well, anyway, about Ashley's schoolwork.

You should be very proud of her. She does excellent work.

She participates actively in class

and she's just a pleasure to have around.

You know, that runs in the family.

Yes. Well. Ahem.

- Do you have any questions? - No. Not a one.

Well, thank you for your time, Ms. Sharpe.

Uh, what do you say we have the next

parent-teacher meeting at my place?

- Huh? - Uh, well, I don't--

Thanks for being so understanding, Ms. Sharpe.

Come on, daddy. It's time for your pill.

[sighs] It's a miracle this whole thing worked.

What you talking about, girl?

Denzel ain't the only brother

that can act.

Well, at least this buys me some time

before I have to break the news to daddy.

Well, I have to get my history books.

You stay right here, Raul.

I made that up.

Mr. Banks, did you forget something?

Uh, you know, I'm glad you asked.

I, uh, forgot to give you

the number to my direct line.

Ah, look, I'm very flattered, but--

You know..

...that is an absolutely intoxicating fragrance

that you're wearing.

Uh.. Come closer.

Hey.

That's a fake mustache.

No, it's not.

[gasps] Yes, it is!

No, it's not!

Look, I don't know who you are

but I'm calling your real parents right now.

Will?

No, it's not!

Ms. Sharpe.

It's not!

You just had to go back.

We were out the door, Will. We were free. Free!

Look, ease up, Ms. Tubman.

You know, Ms. Sharpe gave us the weekend

to break it to Uncle Phil.

Now, let's go over this evil-twin story again.

Philip, I'm sure the mayor's mother meant it as a compliment.

Oh, really?

Then I should be honored that she thinks

I look like a black Alfred Hitchcock.

Hi, kids.

[imitating Hitchcock] Good evening.

Wow!

[yawns] Goodnight.

Ashley. Ashley.

[inaudible]

[sighs] Okay.

Mom, dad, it's like this.

Will has something he wants to tell you.

I ain't got nothing.

Um, Your Honor, uh..

Now, before you deliver your verdict

the defense dictates that you sustain

the motion of the ocean..

...because most parents want the truth

but they can't handle the truth!

So in conclusion

I move for a change of venue.

What do you say you give us a half-hour head-start?

What the hell are you talking about?

Daddy, I withdrew from Bel-Air Academy six weeks ago

and transferred to Morris High.

You what?

I'm not mad.

You're not?

Oh. And you thought he was gonna be mad.

Oh, well, you transferred out, you'll transfer back.

Tomorrow when I wake up

Ashley will be back in Bel-Air Academy

and maybe Will won't even be here.

Daddy, I'm not going back.

Now I'm mad.

You knew about this, didn't you?

No. Will didn't do anything wrong.

Uh, that's right, you tell him, Ashley.

If anything, I should thank Will.

He's the whole reason I transferred.

Whoa, whoa.

Pull it back, baby. Pull it back.

Like I'm doing. Pull it back.

Daddy, Will made me realize how limited my life has been.

I wanna be with real people with real concerns.

Oh, and people in Bel-Air don't have real concerns?

- It's pronounced Porsche. - Porsche!

- Porsche! - Porsche!

- Ashley, honey, you lied to us. - I knew you'd say no.

But, honey, we just want you

to have the best education possible.

Mom, Bel-Air Academy doesn't equal better.

You and dad both went to public schools.

Whoa, good point, Ash.

Can't we at least discuss this?

I believe we just did.

- San Tropez! - San Tropez!

Will, I took your advice and reached out

to our brothers and sisters.

Look at this.

[audience applauding on TV]

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello and welcome to "Hilary."

As an African-American woman

I'd like to dedicate this show to all my sisters.

Presenting fashions from the motherland.

[instrumental music]

Inga is wearing a hand-woven dashiki from Nairobi.

Her jewelry is from the Ivory Coast

and her weave is from Whoopi Goldberg's House of Hair.

Work it, you Nubian princess, you.

Our next model is Buffie..

Um, Hil, I just, I-I, I really wanna commend

your attempt to reach out to your African-American viewers

but, uh, you forgot one thing.

- What? - African-Americans!

Oh.

Carlton, she went to private school, didn't she?

Touche.

But there's a bigger issue here. People talk.

I mean, what if an admissions officer at Princeton found out

my sister was going to public school?

I mean, my God!

(Ashley) Daddy, I'd like you to meet someone.

This is Ms. Sharpe. She's my homeroom teacher at Morris High.

Ms. Sharpe, this is my father.

- The real one. - Thanks, Ashley.

- Pleased to meet you. - Same here.

- Why don't you have a seat? - Thank you.

I thought if we met, I could allay

any concerns you might have.

Yes, well, Ms. Sharpe, you, uh

you, uh, made quite an impression upon my daughter.

But, with all due respect, I am thoroughly satisfied

with the education that Ashley is receiving at Bel-Air Academy.

Well, perhaps you're not aware of Morris High's

academic achievements.

Ms. Sharpe, I don't doubt that Morris High

is a fine institution, but I've already made my decision.

I'm sorry to hear that.

One of the things I've admired about Ashley is her open mind.

Well, well, she gets that from her mother.

Uncle Phil, the phone.. Ooh.

Ooh, hey, listen, man. I can explain everything.

Look, I-I was dizzy, and then I came.. I was..

Uh, you must be Will.

I'm Ms. Sharpe.

Oh, uh, nice to meet you for the first time ever in life.

Hey, you know, Uncle Phil, uh, that's the first time

I ever met her in life.

Mr. Banks, we were profiled here in "Education Today."

Maybe if you read it, you'll reconsider.

- Oh. - Yeah. Nice to meet you.

I'm sorry you had to drive all the way out here for nothing.

- Yeah. Bye. - Bye.

Nice to meet you for the first time ever in life.

Whoo. She really something, huh, Uncle Phil?

Hard to say no to her.

Not if you're a parent. Ahem.

Hey, come on, Uncle Phil, why don't you be reasonable?

Uh, when's the last time a teacher

from Bel-Air Academy came to the house?

Look, the girl went and changed schools behind my back.

Now, in this house, that constitutes a capital crime.

But she had a good reason, Uncle Phil.

Look, my wife's nephew.

I want Ashley in Bel-Air Academy

where there's a controlled environment. I know who's there.

But, more importantly, I know who's not.

Listen, Uncle Phil, I'm telling you, man, listen

I went to both public and private schools

and I'm saying in public school

it's more different kinds of people, you know?

In Bel-Air Academy everybody cut from the same mold.

Hey, if you ask me, you acting like a..

...snob.

I'mma just go.

And a one and a.. Hell with that.

(man on TV) 'The forecast for the..'

Philip, honey, look at this.

"Morris High School is ranked fourth

in the country among magnet schools."

"Magnet schools?" Maybe that's why they need metal detectors.

Huh? Ha-ha-ha!

This is important to our daughter. Don't make jokes.

Vivian, we've made our decision.

"We?" No, you've made a decision.

I'm a college professor. You didn't even ask my opinion.

Didn't I? I'm sure I did.

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry, honey. What do you think?

[sighs] I think we should at least consider it.

You know, sometimes I think we work so hard

to give our kids what we didn't have

sometimes we forget to give them what we did have.

[instrumental music]

[sighs] Good morning, Will.

(Will) 'Hey, good morning, Uncle Phil.'

- Good morning, Ashley. - Good morning.

- What are you eating? - Food.

What are you doing?

Cutting the tension.

Good morning, everyone.

Hey, Hil.

So what's today's black topic?

Amish rap stars?

I'm through chasing one specific demographic.

Thanks to my leopard-skin, midriff top

I hit an all-time high with male viewers.

I got more men yesterday than Sally Jesse Raphael

gets in a year.

How hard could that be?

- Where are you going? - School.

Since when do you wear a uniform to public school?

- What are you talking about? - Well..

Your mother and I had a long talk last night.

And I called Ms. Sharpe

and I made an appointment to check it out.

Now, if-if I'm satisfied with what I see

you can give it a shot for a semester.

- Oh, daddy, thank you. - Come on.

Now, we're gonna be late. Just go change your clothes.

- Okay. - Oh, Uncle Phil, thank you!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

[instrumental music]