Original subtitles

Jazz, I got ten bucks that says you bluffing worse than Haiti.

Let's see you beat three kings.

- Two pair. - Yes!

[chuckles]

A pair of red fives

and a pair of black fives.

That is eight pots in a row.

Couldn't nobody be that lucky

unless they were cheating.

It ain't cheating, Will. It's focus.

The fact is, the only time I ever concentrate

is when I'm playing poker. It's a gift.

Well, according to my calculations

over the last three years Jazz has beaten us

for approximately $13,000.

It would've been 14 if you hadn't gone back to Philly.

My wallet sure missed you, homey.

Well, I wasn't in Philly the whole time, Jazz.

No? Where were you, Kalamazoo?

Alabama.

And what were you doing in Alabama?

I witnessed a murder.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped turned upside-down

♪ And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin' relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all shootin' some B-ball outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said Fresh and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house about 7:00 or 8:00 ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

Oh, you ain't witnessed no murder.

Did he, Carlton?

I'm not at liberty to discuss this.

And you shouldn't, either.

Oh, shut up, Carlton.

Ain't nothing that me and Will

don't know about each other.

Except this.

For real? Tell me.

He can't!

Uh, Agent Moore swore us to secrecy.

Look, Carlton is right, Jazz.

I'm sorry I brought it up, man. Let's just play.

Will, if you don't tell me what went down

our friendship is over.

It all started on a hot August day back in Philly.

Oh, you want to ante up?

I had just arrived at Duke's with my girl, Laqueesha.

(Will) The City of Brotherly Love's finest sister.

Oh, baby, thank you so much for walking me to work.

And, uh, thank you for breakfast, too.

Oh, well, am I a better cook than your mama?

Tsk. See, you all kinda got different styles.

You know, my mom usually like to cook

with her clothes on.

Well, I guess when she comes home from her trip

I'm gonna have to go back to my own place, huh?

Well, either that or we have to be very, very quiet.

See, my moms won the WDAS-FM Back To Africa Contest.

She spotted anything culturally wrong in "The Lion King."

(both) Mm..

I will see you later.

Little did she know that was the last time

she'd ever see me.

(Jazz) Your woman was murdered?

(Will) Can I finish?

(Jazz) My fault. Go ahead.

(Will) All of a sudden this big dude comes out the kitchen.

Hey, yo, man, what was you doing in there?

I'm with the Health Department.

- Hey, yo.. - Do you have any..

[clattering]

Oh, man. Duke, Duke. Duke.

I feared the worst when I got to Duke's office.

And I was right.

[sobbing] Oh, mama, no!

I'd never seen a dead body before.

Well, you know, of course, Curtis sees them all the time.

He works at the post office.

It turns out, the mob was trying to muscle in

on the lucrative Philly cheese-steak market.

Duke told them, "Over my dead body. "

I sure do miss him.

Man, it was up to me to finger Duke's killer.

That's him. That's him! Number three, that's him!

You're positive it isn't one of the others?

No, that's him. That's him, man.

Send the first two out.

The man we are looking at is John "Fingers" O'Neill

the number-one hit man for the mob.

I'm going to start on the paperwork.

Um..

[chuckles]

[beatboxing]

[laughs]

Boy, your choking days is over.

You're going to jail, fool.

Lucky there's five inches of glass between us.

Boy, I might just tear off into..

[screaming]

[choking]

All I could think at that moment was..

(Will) 'Turn around!'

[groans]

[breathing heavily]

- He saw you. - You think?

O'Neill escaped by bowling over nine agents and a DEA dog.

My life was in danger, so they put me

in a witness-protection program in Deliverance, Alabama.

They hooked me up with a new life and a new name.

"Floyd Palmer?"

Hey, look, no. Uh-uh. Come on.

I'm-I'm more like a

a-a Malcolm Akbar Mustafa.

It's taken.

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, hold up. Come on.

It's I'm a city boy, you know, I-I got to get out to..

Oh, and I gotta get out to the club and get my little groove on

talk some jazz. You got me?

Well, the nearest town is Hatred, Mississippi.

I can check if there's dancing.

Wait, wait, wait.

Ca-can I at least call my family in Bel-Air?

Absolutely not.

Now, they've been informed that you're in the program.

They wish you luck.

(Will) I was scared

and somewhat alone.

So I did what I always do when faced with adversity.

[snoring]

[chuckles]

Of course I love you, Laqueesha.

I don't think your butt is too saggy.

[creaking]

Please, O'Neill, no.

Oh, please don't kill me.

[intense music]

[gasps]

I bet it was the killer, right?

Are you in or out?

- I'm out, I'm out. - Tough break.

Your full house would have beaten my seven high.

I bet it was the killer, right?

Look, Jazz, I just don't feel comfortable

telling you anymore, man.

Uh, uh, who knows?

Your life could be in danger.

What life? I'm a married man.

By the way, if Jewel asks

we were at our pottery class tonight.

So I bet it was the killer, right?

Alright, alright, alright, I'll-I'll tell you

but ante up first.

Man, it was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen.

[screams]

Uncle Phil.

Hey, man, what you doing here?

What am I doing here?

[laughs] What am I doing here?

[chuckling]

Well, son, I'll tell you what I'm doing here.

You see, years ago I fell in love with

and married a wonderful woman named Vivian.

Vivian had a sister named Vy.

Vy gave birth to a child named Will

whose sole purpose in life

has been to make mine a living hell!

Now, you've done a lot to me over the last four years

but how you managed to have me ripped out

of my wonderful life in Bel-Air

and relocated to this, this landfill

boggles my mind!

What do you have to say for yourself?

Is that a toupee?

Yes, it's a toupee.

It's a part of my new identity.

You see what you do to me?

Well, where's the bathroom?

It's, um, uh, right through that door.

- It leads outside. - Oh, yeah, I know.

Uh, you better take this broomstick, there's something

living in there.

Hey-hey, my family!

Aunt Viv! Hey, what happened?

The FBI heard that your hit man

was gonna try to get to you through us.

So they put us in the witness-protection program, too.

See, mom, I always said Will would be the ruin of this family

but did you listen to me? Does anyone ever listen to me?

Listen, what are you babbling about, Carlton?

Carlton? There's no Carlton here.

Thanks to you, Carlton Banks no longer exists!

He's now Little Zeke from Cabin Creek.

I hate to say it, Carlton

but you and your family are spoiled.

Sure, there was a homicidal maniac looking for you all

but you still got a free vacation

on the government's tip.

Royal flush.

Mm. You win again.

Something must be affecting my concentration.

Go on, Will.

Yeah, go on, Will.

Jacks are better?

Well, look, I knew if I could get Uncle Phil on my side

all the others would come around.

- Hey, Uncle Phil. - Big Zeke to you.

Hey, come on, Uncle Phil, how you gonna be mad at me?

You always telling me to do the right thing.

So? You never listened to me before.

Why did you have to do it now?

What was I supposed to do? Just let Duke's killer get away?

I know.

I know you did what you had to do.

Man, I just hope the FBI catches him before he gets to me.

You scared, son?

Not so much now that you're here.

Hey, man, look, um, wanna try fishing tomorrow?

Oh, can't.

Tomorrow I start my new job at the manure plant.

Sleep tight, Floyd.

Goodnight, Big Zeke.

I hear you'd like to go dancing.

You know, there's one thing I can't follow.

- One thing? - Yeah.

While y'all were in Deliverance, where was the hit man?

Oh, man, that's a good question, Jazz.

Thank you.

Uh, dude, why don't you tell him, Carlton?

Well, I would, but I need a fresh deck.

Um, the, uh, the-the hit man was, uh..

...here in Bel-Air.

(Hilary) Dear Neiman or Marcus

whichever of you gets this first.

I'm being held hostage by my own government.

Please send my fall-winter catalog

care of Betty Mae Swilly, Deliverance, Alabama.

[clattering]

[ominous music]

[telephone ringing]

Yup?

[inaudible chatter on telephone]

Jewel?

Uh, yeah, t-the pottery class.

No, no, no, no, we-we was at the pottery class.

But, uh, the kiln blew up.

Yeah, uh, uh, no, Jazz, he-he-he busy

picking vase particles out of his butt.

Ow! Ow!

Jewel, listen..

[dial tone]

I know that sound.

- I better get home. - W-wait a minute.

You'll miss the best part of the story

where we meet the bear.

- The bear? - The bear?

Oh, pfft, the bear. Yeah.

Uh, deuces are wild.

Uh, well, you're the animal lover, Carlton.

Why don't you tell him about the bear?

Well, sure.

See, i-in order to find food

we had to hike into the nearest town.

Whoo! I'm tired.

- How long have we been walking? - I don't know.

About three, four minutes.

[sighs]

Oh! Mm..

[growling]

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Ooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(Will) 'Okay, okay.'

[humming]

Go on, Maynard, go home.

Scoot. Come on, go.

You git. You git.

Ooh! Ooh..

Good bear.

[chuckles]

Hey, thank you. Oh, thank you so much.

Hey, look, you saved my life.

What's your name, baby butt?

Hey, hey.

Uh, Will. Floyd.

Will Floyd, you ever been with a big woman?

Uh..

I was in the Statue of Liberty once.

Hey. Miss, miss. Ooh. Ooh.

- What is that on your teeth? - Pudding.

[groaning]

Thanks, Carlton, I had almost forgotten about Bertha.

How could you forget? You almost married her.

Man, this is getting complicated.

Boy, tell me about it.

(Will) That night we were enjoying a special dinner.

Our neighbor, Sue Ellen, was cooking up something

she had run over.

Sorry I'm late, but it was so beautiful

I just couldn't leave the marina.

Chateaubriand? Mm!

So, uh, so how was your day, sweetheart?

It was wonderful.

Oh, look what one of the girls taught me.

Now, a lot of families would just crumble

under these circumstances.

But once again we are showing our true colors.

To family!

- To family! - To family!

- Come on, Carlton. - There he is, daddy.

There's the dirty varmint who made me pregnant.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

I ain't make nobody pregnant.

You calling my daughter a liar?

No, man, it just wasn't me.

Of course it wasn't. The boy just got to Deliverance.

Oh, is that so? Well..

A fella over at the college says

he been going to school there

for two years.

[whispers] Oh, damn witness-protection program.

Wedding's set for tomorrow at noon.

If you register at Tiffany's, ask for Richard.

Oh, w-wait, hold on. Now nobody is registering for anything.

- Mister, uh, uh.. - McCoy. Hatfield McCoy.

Now, now, Mr. McCoy, now your daughter is a very, uh..

...uh, lovely woman

and any man would be proud to be the father of her child.

But you cannot go around falsely accusing people.

Twelve o'clock. You bring the groom, I'll bring the shotgun.

Bring it, Bertha.

Wait-wait, wait, hold on.

Oh, say, hey, hey, Mr. McCoy, uh, listen.

Now, I would love to marry your daughter, you know, but..

I mean, who wouldn't?

Me.

Well, you see, it's my moms.

You know, see, she's in Africa

and-and I'm her only child.

And-and it would just crush her

to not be here to share in my happiness.

Well, we're real big on family

so, uh, the wedding will take place

just as soon as she gets back.

But the engagement party is tonight.

[gunshots]

cheering]

And at least I have this picture of you

to keep in my drawers.

Whoa.

- Where did you get this? - Oh, uh, the general store.

Vern said some big fella's been asking about you.

He left it. Come on, boys.

Oh, my God!

That means you-know-who

is coming you-know-where!

[cheering]

[country music]

(Will) I knew it was just a matter of time before O'Neill found me

so I decided to fight fire with fire.

I enlisted the aid of my future father-in-law

and his trigger-happy kin.

Alright, listen.

Now, when you hear me say the word "family"

that's when y'all come running out, alright? Alright.

Y'all heard my future son-in-law, now git!

As they ran off to take their positions

I realized one thing.

Hatfield didn't use deodorant.

I had to kill time before the killer came to kill me.

I thought about all those showdowns

I'd seen in all those Westerns.

The good guys usually won.

Well, except for "The Unforgiven"

where everybody got killed.

And then there was "Posse" which got killed

at the box office.

If I were you, I would run.

If you were me, you would be good-looking.

You know, usually I try to detach myself from my work

but I'm gonna enjoy squeezing the life out of you.

[imitating O'Neill] I'm really gonna enjoy squeezing the life out of you.

You know why I'm not scared of you?

'Cause I got something that you don't have.

Family.

What are you talking about? I got a sister in New Jersey.

I'm talking about family!

Family!

I-I mean, fa-family.

[clattering]

It was obvious the McCoys didn't know

when to say when.

Say, my man, you mind if I run inside

and put on a big pot of coffee?

How did you get away?

Uh, ante up and I'll tell you.

I'm out of money.

Then I'm out of story.

Wait a second.

That part about the bear wasn't true, was it?

None of it was true.

Mister, consider yourself hustled.

[laughing]

Hey, listen, why don't you come over for some

poker tomorrow night, we'll tell you

about Carlton and the alien.

[Carlton laughing]

You know, you guys are nothing

but a bunch of stinking, thieving liars.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go sit on a vase

and get home to my wife.

[laughing]

Wow, hook, line and sinker.

Oh, yes, sir, I am the true fisherman, you know, you know?

And when it comes to deception, you are the prince.

Ooh, nine o'clock. I-I, I gotta get to bed.

Hey, goodnight, Little Zeke.

[in southern accent] Goodnight, Will Floyd.

[laughing]

Whoo-hoo-hoo. Oh..

[instrumental music]

[banging on door]

[banging on door]

Hm..

[banging on door]

Alright, alright, alright.

[screaming]

[screaming]

That will teach him to play with me.

[laughs]

[theme music]

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

[instrumental music]