Original subtitles

Okay, here we go. Put down your money, find the honey.

Locate the black queen, and I don't mean Little Richard.

There!

Okay, Carlton, you're pretty good for a white guy.

- What's going on out here? - I'm cleaning up, Geoffrey.

I hope they pay you more than they pay me.

Seriously, Geoffrey, you should get in on this.

Do you play the Hell's Kitchen version or the A-train hybrid.

- I'm in. - All right, here we go.

Zagnut, Goobers, Good & Plenty, locate the black girl, you win $20.

That one.

Y es!

Well, there goes Saturday night at Sizzler.

I had coupons, too.

Beginner's luck, Master William.

- One last bet? - No, no, thanks. I'm out, G.

Didn't realize you were such a coward.

Chicken.

All right, don't nobody call me a coward.

- What's your bet? - $50.

I ain't no punk, I'll take that down. Here we go.

I can't look.

- Drat! - Damn. Oh, damn, G.

Damn! There, see, that one red.

See, if it was like you, you'd have won, but it red, so you lost.

Better luck next time.

He fell for it, Will. Now let's go hustle Dad.

- Oops. - "Oops"?

Good cover. I'm guessing you've done this before?

Y ou're wasting your time, Carlton. Geoffrey already cut out all the bra ads.

Will, for your information, I was looking at those...

funny little markings underneath the pictures.

In Bel-Air we call them "words."

Guess what, I just finished my first short story.

What a coincidence, your first short story and your first short son in the same room.

My friend at Essence magazine offered to read it.

But, before she does, I wanted to give you a copy...

and I want you to tell me exactly what you think.

Great, I can't wait to read it.

Well, now that I am a professional...

I'm gonna go check out that new word processor.

- See you. - That's my little writer.

Okay, somebody bury this.

Dad, are you crazy?

If I read this story, it'll be the biggest mistake I've ever made.

I don't know about that, Uncle Phil.

Remember them plaid shorts you wore last summer?

Look, let me tell you boys something about women.

Now, if I read it and say I like it...

she'll think I'm just trying to make her happy.

If I say I don't like it, she'll stop trying to make me happy.

Y es, women is a trip, Uncle Phil. It's just like, let's say...

you accidentally scream out the wrong name...

and they jumping all out the back of your car like that.

So, what are you going to do, Dad?

- Well, hey, I'm the man of the house. - Y eah.

- What do you think I'm gonna do? - What a man would do.

Buy her a car and hope she forgets all about this.

Y ou know, we can really learn a lot from that man.

- Hey, G, would you make me a sandwich? - But, of course.

Now you're a sandwich.

Y ou can take it off your head.

- G, something wrong? - Y ou swindled me.

I was planning to use that money on lottery tickets.

The jackpot's up to $26,000,000.

Wow!

Could you imagine what life would be like with all that money?

Buying whatever you want, driving fancy cars...

dining in fancy restaurants.

Wait a second, that is what life is like.

I see this is getting me nowhere. Now, if you'll excuse me...

I'm going to enjoy the one thing you can't spoil for me.

I don't know, Will. I mean, Geoffrey works hard for his money.

- Y eah. - Y ou know, we have so much...

and he has so little.

- Well, now we'll have more. - Y eah, absolutely.

Let's p/ay Brainstorm.

Fe/ix, /'// take Famous Quotes for $100.

The question is, "What is the motto of The Three Musketeers?"

That's an easy one. "Creamy on the inside, smooth on the outside."

- "A// for one and one for a//!" - Right again.

I can't believe you missed that one, G.

Y eah, even Will could have guessed that one...

and the only thing he reads is the cereal box.

Y eah, well, at least I don't fit in one.

Well, if you're so confident in my lack of ability...

perhaps you'd like to make a little wager.

- Say, $30? - Done.

Vietnam for $200.

You drew the wi/d card.

What do you say, Geoffrey? Want to double your bet?

Well, it is an awful lot of money...

but, what the hell.

And the question is.'

"Who is the South Vietnamese president ki//ed by his own genera/s in 1963?"

Ngo Dinh Diem.

No guesses? The correct answer is Ngo Dinh Diem.

Splendid.

I say we call Immigration.

Is this Brainstorm?

How sad. Some people will do anything for money.

I mean, why don't they just ask their fathers?

The category is Greek History.

And the fina/ Brainstorm question is.'

"What Bronze Age civi/ization emerged about 2500 BC?"

Oh, I know, the Minoan civilization.

- The Minoan civi/ization? - Correct.

Hold up, hold up. Time out.

Flag on the plate, traveling, offsides, clipping.

Hold up, wait a minute.

- What's up with this here? - Hilary, how'd you know that?

Easy, Geoffrey's been watching that tape all day.

Well, I'm off to the store.

When you're through, do turn off the VCR...

and return that tape of Brainstorm to my room.

And might I add, ha ha!

And, ha!

- Carlton, come on, come on. - Okay, okay.

I wonder what Geoffrey uses that cape for.

Just...

Give me the lottery ticket.

All right, watch the door.

- Are you sure we should do this? - Look, come on, man. He got our money.

I mean, it's either this or force him to listen to y oko Ono albums.

Boys, your mother is driving me crazy about reading that short story.

Gee, Dad, why don't you just read it and get it over with?

I did read it. Trust me, the only thing your mother should write is checks.

So, if she asks where I am, you haven't seen me and I'm not at home.

- But, Uncle Phil... - No "buts," Will.

No matter what she says, you haven't seen hide nor hair of me.

Hi, sweetheart. How long have you been there?

Y ou read it. Y ou read it and you hated it.

No, I lost it. Y eah, yeah, that's it.

And I was so looking forward to reading it.

Oh, well, that's okay 'cause, you know, I made an extra copy. Here.

- And I want you to be honest. - I will.

Oh, check it out. The lottery numbers are coming on!

Turn it up. Turn it up.

Why, Geoffrey, do you have a ticket in today's drawing?

And this week's SuperLotto numbers are.'

Sixteen. Twenty-two.

- Three. - Oh, my!

- Forty-one. - Y es! Y es!

- Twe/ve. - Y es! Please, God.

Fifteen. Fifteen, please.

And the /ast number for the $26,000,000 jackpot...

fifteen!

I'm rich! I'm rich!

Did someone say "rich"?

Hey! I don't care how much money you got, brother, you ain't gonna...

What's going on in here?

And don't tell me I'm too young to know because I'm sick of it.

My friends, this calls for a drink.

- This is incredible. - I'll say.

Geoffrey. Geoffrey, now, that's a $500 bottle of champagne.

Ah, the cheap stuff. Not to worry, Phil.

It's on me.

Geoffrey, check it out. Me and Carlton...

y our Montrose vase...

attracts dust like a magnet.

G, listen...

Problem solved.

- Okay, G, listen, listen. - Philip...

I have $1,000 with your name on it.

Do the family a favor, get Viv some cooking lessons.

Y ou...

And, Miss Ashley, how does a Mercedes sound?

Vroom, vroom?

Very clever, I'll get you two.

Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Nice try.

In case you hadn't figured it out...

I quit.

I quit.

Will, Mom and Dad are gonna kill us when they find out what we did.

No, they're not, 'cause they're not gonna find out what we did.

Geoffrey's not leaving because I'm going to do the right thing.

- What, tell the truth? - No, I'm gonna beg like Keith Sweat.

Money.

Money.

Will, do something.

Will!

Y ou can keep the tape.

I'm buying the O'Jays.

Look, G...

we've known each other, you know, a long time, right?

We certainly have.

My God!

All these years.

All these memories.

How do you say goodbye?

Like this: "Goodbye."

Goodbye.

Geoffrey, you remember when you came to us...

and you had no money and nowhere to go?

Y es!

Well, some things never change.

Am I missing something?

Y eah, about $26,000,000.

Will did it.

Did what?

We tricked you into thinking you won, G.

What you just watched was a tape of last week's lottery numbers.

How clever.

Y ou used my own ruse against me.

How I admire you.

Die!

Geoffrey, you're killing him.

Y ou catch on quickly, you little twit.

G, listen, I said we're sorry.

I'm sorry. I must not have heard you.

I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm okay.

Look, G.

It's going to be all right, man.

Uncle Phil will give you your job back.

What about the money?

There is no money.

I see.

I have no choice but to leave.

I made such a fool of myself.

I shudder to think what I said to your parents.

It's all right, G. Come on, man.

I'm too humiliated to stay.

- But, Geoffrey. Geoffrey, you can't go. - Come on, G. It was a joke, man.

Will, what are we gonna do?

Look, I don't know about you, man, but I'm going to take this TV right here.

Hey, grab that radio, drop it off in my room for me.

Y ou did what?

Are you out of your horny, little adolescent minds?

I know I am, Dad.

What you did was not only humiliating...

it caused Geoffrey to quit his job.

Look, Uncle Phil, it was just a joke.

A joke I had nothing to do with, Dad.

I mean, you know me, I don't even have a sense of humor.

Y ou two have pulled some pranks in your day...

but this one, this one takes the cake.

He's about to blow, man.

Make a break for the front door. I'll cover you.

- So. - So.

Tell me, if you were me, what would you do?

I don't know, forget the whole thing and get us a couple Jet Skis.

I like that.

Look, you big-eared freeloader...

you take the little, square-headed cousin, here...

and you find Geoffrey and you bring him back...

or they'll never find your bodies.

And, I'm a judge. I can make it happen.

Y ou know, really, I don't mind the yelling. But does he have to spit?

This happens all the time. They think I'm Bryant Gumbel.

Are you the guy from Webster?

No.

I told you it was the guy from Diff'rent Strokes.

So, Bryant, are you sure this the restaurant...

Hilary said G was working at?

- What are you two nimrods doing here? - I'm pretty sure.

Look, G. Come on, man, we want you to come home with us.

I'm afraid that's impossible.

All right, G, we made a mistake, okay.

What, are you going to hold a grudge forever?

How about until I'm dead?

Geoffrey, you can't let something like this come between us.

Look, I want you to leave.

I finally found a position where I'm respected and appreciated.

Geoffrey, the urinals need mints. Move it.

Inside joke. Y ou wouldn't understand.

- Look, I don't think it's going to work, Will. - Keep hope alive.

Hey, my man!

Look, check it out, me and my partner, here, we need a table...

preferably by the window. Now.

Who are you?

Who am I? Y ou hear... Who am I? I'm a black man with a short fuse.

Geoffrey, show them to the table.

Show us to the table.

- Eat fast and get out. - We're not leaving without you.

Look, G, come on, everybody misses you.

Well, get used to it. I can't go back.

- Y ou humiliated me. - Geoffrey, we've all been humiliated.

Y eah, how do you think Carlton feels when he changes into his gym shorts?

That's a very small humiliation.

Hey, what's that supposed to mean?

Waiter. If I don't get something to drink soon, I'm gonna die.

Y ou promise?

Will, I don't think he's going to come with us.

Don't worry, baby. Plan B.

Say, Miss, check it out, look...

me and my partner can't afford nothing on this menu.

Probably, a Vaseline and salt sandwich if they had one.

Check it out, I'll give you $5 for that salad.

- What? - All right, $6.50.

Wait, check it out, $7 for just the lettuce.

Well, I never.

All this money he paying for this food, girl, you better.

- What? What's up? What's up? What? - I'm so sorry.

Y ou're embarrassing me.

Well, you know what you have to do to get rid of us.

I know you're trying to get me fired, but it won't work.

Just leave.

Oh, my God!

What, are you blind? Y our table's on fire. Pay attention.

- Y ou idiot! - What is going here?

Should I tell him?

Or do you want to, Dad?

- This is your son? - Of course not.

Is it our fault you never married Mom?

I know she embarrassed you.

She only had one arm...

and when you would go to concerts, she clapped like this.

Surely, you don't believe this.

Daddy, you're ashamed of us?

This is my brother, Carlton.

He knows we can't afford any bigger clothes so he just doesn't grow.

Daddy, I want to grow.

He's never even been on a roller coaster for God's sakes.

Y ou two are really something.

Something good or something bad?

I can't believe you'd go through all this to get me back.

We miss you.

We love you, Dad.

All right. I'll come back home.

Daddy's coming home. Thank you, Daddy.

Thank you. Daddy's coming... Thank you. Daddy's coming home.

Y ou so crazy.

/'m crazy about you, gir/.