Original subtitles

Well, Will, I pressed 180 today.

Eat your heart out.

Way to go, Arnold Schwarzenegro.

Y ou know, I've had it up to here with you.

Right now, me and you, mano a mano. Let's go. Come on.

- Y ou're on. - Go.

Come on, Carlton, you can't keep moping around like this forever.

I mean, it's not like you and Paula just broke up yesterday, man.

Y ou've had the whole weekend to get over it.

Will, sometimes you're so insensitive.

Love isn't something you can just turn on and off.

Carlton, I still think you're blowing this whole thing out of proportion, man.

Now, I've seen Paula, and I don't see what the attraction was.

What are you talking about?

She's a beautiful, intelligent girl with a dynamite body.

Y eah, I know. I don't see what attracted her to you.

These are jokes, man. Y ou gotta loosen up.

Y ou gotta have some fun.

Y ou gotta do something or go someplace that gets her off your mind.

It's impossible.

Everywhere I turn, I see something that reminds me of her.

Something we've shared together, a patch of grass, a beach blanket, a swing.

Maybe you should go to bed.

Vivian, why are you making such a big deal about this?

- I say we do it right here, right now. - Oh, good, a floor show.

Geoffrey, this envelope contains Mrs. Banks' sonogram.

It's gonna tell us whether or not the baby is a boy or a girl.

- How can you tell if it's a boy or a girl? - Ashley, you are so naive.

If it's a boy, it's blue.

Come on, I think it's time for another woman-to-woman talk.

Okay, what do you want to know this time?

Hilary's not planning on having kids, is she?

Philip, I am not looking at this sonogram.

It'll take away the excitement in the delivery room.

Honey, half the thrill is finding out.

All right, then, it's settled. We don't want to know.

Of course, in the delivery room, I'm going to be too busy screaming.

Okay, I want to know. No, I don't. Y es, I do. Here.

Now this is exactly why the doctor changed his number on us, Vivian.

Now for the last time, do you want to know or don't you?

- No. - Fine, then I'll take the envelope.

I'm not going to open it. I promise. Trust me.

Aunt Viv, I don't think so.

See, this is the same dude that said a squirrel ate that six-pack of Milky Ways.

I think Geoffrey should hold onto it.

Fine, and don't give it to us.

- No matter how much we insist. - Got it?

I think I can handle that. I got dressed all by myself this morning.

I feel good about this, Philip.

I think we're doing the right thing, don't you?

Y es, I agree, baby. We're doing the right thing.

Uncle Phil?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Y eah, sure, Will. What is it?

Look, a friend of mine has a little problem.

And, you know, I was wondering...

- since you're a judge and everything... - I am not reducing bail.

No, Uncle Phil, no. See, that's not... See, check it out.

Now, this friend of mine knows this squaw that he's completely in love with, right?

But this particular squaw just broke up with his best friend.

Now he don't want to diss his boy or nothing like that, right...

but he wants to know how long is a good time to wait...

before he raids this squaw's village, if you know what I'm saying.

Interesting you should bring that up.

I had a case like that come before me just recently.

- Really? - Word up.

Now this guy started going out with his best friend's girl...

hours after they broke up.

He waited that long?

Well, this other guy didn't think it was that long.

He was very jealous, and he shot his friend.

Dead?

No. Let's just say he's two olives short of a martini.

So before your friend starts raiding any villages...

he better be sure it's worth it.

Hey, Paula. How're you doing? It's Will.

Look, about our date tonight...

I'll rock your world.

- Geoffrey, is Mrs. Banks around? - I believe...

I believe she's in the study.

- Shall I get her? - No!

No, you do too much running around, as it is.

I hate having you run and do everything.

- Mr. Banks, have you been drinking? - Of course not.

Y ou know, and I'd feel a lot better if you started calling me Phil.

And I'd feel a lot better if you'd wash your own underthings.

Look, Geoffrey...

now I know Mrs. Banks and I made you promise...

not to show us that sonogram...

but, look, I've got to know whether the baby is a boy or a girl...

and I can make it worth your while.

- How does a $100 sound? - Like one hell of a night in Tijuana.

Philip Banks, you really should be ashamed of yourself.

- Bribing Geoffrey with a $100. - I'll say.

At least she offered me $200.

Hello? Hi, Paula. Carlton's not here.

Well, who'd you want to talk to?

Just a second.

It's for you. It's Paula...

as in Carlton's ex-girlfriend, Paula.

Gee...

I wonder why she want to talk to me.

Maybe I should just find out.

Hey, Paula, how're you doing?

Hey, I'm really looking forward to tonight, so we can...

work on some homework.

Y eah, but you should probably get some rest.

We might have to pull an all nighter.

Talk to you later.

Will, dating Carlton's ex behind his back isn't nice.

Ashley's right. If Carlton finds out, he may never speak to you again.

Maybe you're on to something.

Hold it. First, look, number one...

Carlton is not even dating this girl no more. Okay?

Number two, I ain't see no rings on her fingers. Okay?

And number three, Denise got it going on.

Paula.

Y ou're right. I hope that doesn't happen tonight.

Boy, that Paula's really bad news.

First, she dumps me. Now you know what she did?

No. Will, do you know?

No, I don't know nothing.

I'm just a poor black man trying to make it in Bel-Air.

She gave me the flu.

Wait, come on, look on the bright side, Carlton.

Most girls don't give you nothing.

- Hi, baby, how was school? - Mommy, I don't feel so good.

- I think I got the flu. - That's too bad, baby.

Get out of the house.

Y ou know, we're getting more and more like the Jackson family every day.

Sweetheart, you know I love you...

but being pregnant, I cannot take a chance of getting sick. Now shoo.

But where will I go?

Well, I guess you'll have to move into the pool house.

The pool house? Daddy, I live in the pool house.

And there's no way I'm giving it up for Carlton.

Y ou want to start paying rent?

I can be out in an hour.

Will, I am not through with you. What you're doing is despicable.

And what you're doing is annoying. Leave me alone.

Gesundheit.

Will, just a week ago, she was Carlton's girlfriend.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Y es, Ashley, it means she's having a better week.

Well, Carlton's going to put two and two together.

First, Paula had the flu, then Carlton had the flu...

and now you have the flu.

Ashley, I think you're giving Carlton too much credit.

I mean, come on, he thinks X is the movie...

about Malcolm-Jamal Warner's fight for freedom.

Very funny, guys. Why don't you stop spinning?

Who moved the refrigerator all the way over there?

How are you feeling, Carlton?

Remember the Star Trek where the insect bored its way through the guy's brain?

- Y eah. - That'd feel kind of good right now.

Okay, Will, I'm on to you.

Hey, look, Carlton, man, I have no idea what you're talking about.

I'm not stupid, Will. It's all coming together.

The runny nose, the watery eyes.

Y ou just couldn't keep your hands to yourself.

Look, Carlton, now I know you're sick.

Y ou're probably a little delirious.

Y ou probably had one too many of them children's aspirins or something, man.

- That piece was mine. - Y ou ain't got to get all nasty.

Well, you shouldn't have done it, Will.

I know, Carlton. I'm sorry, man. I shouldn't have taken Paula out.

Y ou're right, man, but she was coming on to me. I couldn't resist, man.

Paula?

I was talking about that last piece of cheesecake.

Y eah, so was I.

No, see, you don't know about it. See, you ain't hip to it, right?

In Philly, we name our food, right?

See, like cheesecake is Paula, right?

And a Snack Pack is Boomshika.

I can't see him. Y ou can. Is he buying it?

Y ou backstabbing, girlfriend-stealing, piece of rubbish.

Did you really expect me to believe you name your food?

Look, Carlton, I'm telling you, man, it ain't how it seems, man.

Then you didn't go out with my girlfriend behind my back?

Okay, that's exactly how it seems.

But, look, man, I didn't do it for me. I did it for you.

I did it to save you from something terrible.

As soon as I figure it out, I'll let you know what it is.

Every time you've tried to hurt me, I've turned the other cheek.

Well, I've run out of cheeks.

Carlton, man, what are you trying to say?

I'm trying to say that I can't trust you anymore.

Look, we're no longer family. We're through. Fini. It's over.

Look, Carlton, you don't mean that. Y ou'll get over it, man.

Oh, yeah?

- Carlton, who are you calling? - Y our mother.

I know he ain't calling my mother.

Aunt Vy, it's Carlton. Call me when you get home.

No, Mom, don't call him.

I want to tell you how much I hate Will's guts.

He's lying, Mom. He loves me.

No, I don't. Y our little slimer's stolen my girl.

Mom, you know Carlton never had no girl.

Well, I'm glad you're out having fun...

'cause I have to stay here, 'cause God only knows what else he'll steal.

Give me the phone. Get off!

Hey, Mom. Thanks for the sweater. Love you.

Y ou've gone over the line. Okay?

Y ou don't never call a dude's mom.

So it's okay to steal a guy's girlfriend...

as long as you don't go tell his mommy about it.

No, this is serious, man.

Even in ancient times...

they would kill your cattle, they would burn your village...

and they would stone your family...

but they wouldn't never tell your mother, man.

"But I did it to save you...

"from something you don't know...

"and soon as I figure it out, I'll let you know."

That's it. We're going to have to take this to the street, man.

Aunt Viv!

Now, listen, as long as you're staying in my home, you have to play by my rules.

No crumbs on the carpet, no hair in the sink...

and no dressing up in my clothes, Carlton.

- It was Halloween. - Y ou still haven't returned my bustier.

- What are you doing here? - Look, man, I don't want to be here...

but I'm sick, and Aunt Viv won't let me stay in the house.

I think you have everything you need.

And now if you'll excuse me...

I'm going to spend a quiet evening with my radio and Madonna.

Look like you spending the evening with Little Richard.

Well, I don't care what Mom says.

Y ou're not staying here. Why don't you go stay with Paula?

- She asked. Her parents wouldn't let me. - She has parents?

She never introduced me to her parents. She told me they were dead.

I really, really hate you.

I hate you, too. Just get out of my bed, then.

Man, nice, firm mattress, just like the one at Paula's house.

First, you steal my woman, and now you steal my bed.

Look, man, let's get something straight right now.

I did not steal your woman.

I rescued her, and she thanked me over...

and over, and over...

All right, stop singing.

Over and over and over.

- Why don't you act like an adult? - Why don't you look like one?

Well, obviously, there's no reasoning with you.

Look, you just stay on your side of the room, and I'll stay on mine.

Fine. This is my side of the room.

Hey, that's not fair.

Guess I'll watch a little TV, seeing as how it's on my side of the room.

Y o, where's the remote?

- On my side of the room. - Toss it here.

Whatever you say.

Go get it.

Make me.

Oh God, my eye!

Will, you okay?

Thank you for giving me the night off. Can I get you anything else?

No, get out of here, you knucklehead.

Good night.

- Philip, I want that sonogram. - Y es.

- There's nothing here or here. - Well, it's got to be here.

We searched the whole house, Vivian.

Well, what if he's got it on him?

- Found it. - Y ou found the sonogram?

No, it's that little chocolate bunny from Easter.

- I've been looking all over for it. - Philip, honey, at least take off the foil.

- My head is killing me. - My throat hurts.

- Now my ears are ringing. - Mine, too.

Hi, this is Hi/ary.

Roses are red, vio/ets are b/ue, /'m not in so...

so /eave a...

Hi, honey, it's Pau/a.

/ just heard you were sick. My poor /itt/e baby.

This is a// my fau/t, isn't it?

- It's for me, man. - No, it's not. It's for me.

/ wish / cou/d be there with you.

/ bet / know how to make you fee/ better.

First, /'d nibb/e on your /eft ear, then /'d bite you on your neck.

Then /'d...

Oops. There's my other /ine.

Hello?

Now look what you did, you idiot. Y ou made me miss her call.

That wasn't for you. It was for me.

Carlton, give it up, man. She dumped you.

I mean, you're like Prince Charles. Y ou got the royal flush.

I'm going to beat your butt.

Y eah, what are you going to do? Jump up and bang your head against it?

- Come on, put your dukes up. - Come on, boy.

And there's more where that came from.

Maybe not.

Hey, Carlton.

I'm going to do something that's totally outside of my nature...

and I'm gonna take Uncle Phil's advice.

Y ou're gonna go play on the freeway?

No, man, I'm going to be straight up with you.

I'm going to tell you everything that happened between me and Paula.

First time you brought her over here, man, I thought she was so fine...

and I wanted y'all to break up.

That's very honest, Will, but I'm still mad.

I guess I'll have to live with it.

Wait, there's more.

- I told her you had tuberculosis. - Y ou what?

Honest, I don't know, man. It just came to me. I'm sorry.

I can't believe you did that.

I'm gonna dig way down deep inside...

and maybe, in time, I'll be able to forgive you.

Wait.

There's more.

I told her about your hand puppet.

Y ou told her about Binky? I'll kill you.

No, I won't. I'm bigger than that. I guess I'll be honest, too.

Y ou remember when Letisha suddenly stopped calling you?

Y eah.

Well, I told her you worship Satan.

All right. Fair is fair.

I'm a man. I can live with that. I can live with that.

Wait, there's more.

Y ou notice how Ashley has been acting very funny around you lately?

Y eah.

Well, I told her you shave your legs.

- What kind of monster are you? - Sorry, Will.

I was just feeling a little jealous of your relationship.

No, that's unforgivable. That's totally unforgivable.

Wait, there's more.

- Y ou remember your friend Jazz? - Oh, my God, what did you do with Jazz?

Y ou know that funky smell coming from the basement?

Psych.

This honesty thing feels great.

What do you say we tell Geoffrey why his citizenship never came through?

This smells delicious. Y ou've really outdone yourself, Mom.

- Great oatmeal, Mom. - Thank you.

Aunt Viv, in keeping with this new honesty thing...

this stuff kind of tastes like dry wall with raisins in it.

And, Uncle Phil, you know...

you really shouldn't wear silk no more 'cause, like, when big folks wear silk...

Well, since we're all being honest with each other...

I'm bloody sick of the two of you going through my drawers.

Here's your envelope. I hope you get what you want.

In keeping with all this honesty, I really want to see what we're having.

Y ou mean this isn't oatmeal?

I want to know, too, Philip. Okay, let's have a look at that sonogram.

- Oh, my God. - What is it, a boy or girl?

This isn't a sonogram. It's a bill for $25,000.

This baby's costing me a fortune.

Congratulations, you're having a Hilary.

Philip, you found the sonogram?

No, the little chocolate Easter bunny. I've been looking at it...

y ou found the sonogram?

No, it's that little Easter chocolate bunny. I've been looking for it all...

y ou found the sonogram?

No, it's that little chocolate bunny from Easter. I've been looking at it all week.

/t's the /itt/e choco/ate Easter bunny!