Original subtitles

No, no, don't, please. Please, don't shoot.

What's going on in here?

Oh, my God. Geoffrey, don't move.

There's a dart on your forehead.

Really? I hadn't noticed.

- Look, Carlton, Geoffrey's been shot. - Cool.

Y ou people don't pay me enough for this.

Quiet, Geoffrey, you're dead.

Then you couldn't possibly feel me do this.

- Well, one down, three to go. - Wait.

Is anybody going to tell me what's going on?

We're playing Whodunnit.

See, one of us is the killer, and we have to find out who it is.

I say, we already know.

Y ou and I were together in the other room, Ashley...

and now Geoffrey's worm chow.

So that leaves only one suspect.

Honey, I'm home.

Hey, Lucy.

Ethel, hello.

Look, it's little Ricky.

Oh, y'all should go check outside.

Somebody was trampling through Aunt Viv's garden.

Nice try, Will.

Y ou got Geoffrey, but you're not gonna get me alone.

Come on, Ashley, we're going to the bathroom.

What is he talking about? I ain't kill nobody.

Y eah, and George Bush is really looking forward to playing with his grandchildren.

Man, this is whack. Don't nobody believe me.

But I bet you do, right?

Good, Aunt Vivian. Good, Aunt Vivian.

Here, beg for a Scooby Snack.

Cut it out.

I'm trying to practice my breathing for Lamaze class.

I don't know, Aunt Viv.

Seem to me all that heavy breathing...

is what got you in this mess in the first place.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Hello, sweetheart. - Hi, honey.

- Hi, Will. - Hey, Uncle Phil.

Y ou ready for your Lamaze class?

Philip, you mean, you actually wanna take me?

I was waiting for some lame excuse. Last week, you said your dog died.

- He did. - Philip, he died 20 years ago.

Still hurts.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on, Aunt Viv.

Now this is the most straight-up, honest dude I know.

The day that he lies to you, may all my hair fall out.

Thank you, Will. Come on, sweetheart, we don't want to be late.

- Okay. - Okay, let me get the bags here.

Philip.

- Philip, what's the matter? - It's my back, went out.

Y ou know, I think maybe...

if I could lay down on the couch for a couple of hours...

you know?

Oh, my God, is my hairline receding?

Come on, Philip, sit down.

Now, Will, we all know your uncle's got back problems.

Now, relax, sweetheart. Okay, I'll go to class again, alone.

Will, would you take my duffel bag out to the car for me?

Y eah, that's fine, Aunt Viv.

Y es!

Freeze, bubble-butt!

This could get ugly.

Philip, what do you have to say for yourself?

Good answer, Admiral Stockdale.

Philip, this is very important to me.

After all, you missed all the other births of your other children.

Well, it wasn't my fault.

Fathers weren't allowed in the delivery room back then.

They are now, and I would like you to share this experience.

Well, I intend to.

I will be pacing up and down in the waiting room...

where a man's supposed to be.

- Fine. If that's the way you feel, forget it! - Wait, Vivian.

- And what's your problem? - Don't be trying to make up with me now.

I'm all pregnant.

My feet, my back, and stuff hurt, and you being all insensitive.

Here's our little mother.

There we go, madam, a nice glass of milk.

- Got to keep our strength up, eh? - Back off, Geoffrey.

Pop a Midol.

Geoffrey, I'm sorry. I'm just a little upset with Mr. Banks, that's all.

He refuses to be my Lamaze coach.

So...

I'm gonna need one of you kids to go with me.

- Sorry, homework. - Tennis lesson.

I just don't want to.

Madam, are you sure you want another one?

Wait a minute, here. Look, what is the matter with y'all?

I mean, this is your mother. She's having a baby.

Look, Aunt Viv, if I was one of your kids...

I'd be short with a square head...

but I'd be more than happy to be your coach.

Aunt Viv, it was a joke. Y ou can't take a joke?

Come on, Will. I'm gonna be doing all the work.

All you have to do is cheer me on. Come on.

Well, that's cool. Go, Vivian. Get busy, have a baby.

- See you later. - Will, come on, stop it.

Honey, this is a classroom, not a delivery room.

There's nothing here to embarrass you. Come on.

- Aunt Viv, you naked yet? - Will, would you calm down?

No one is gonna get naked. Come on.

Whoa, Aunt Viv, who is she?

Man, she is all that. She's fine.

She's one of The Fat Boys.

- Hi, Danny. - Hey, Viv.

How are you?

Hey, you know, can you do me a favor? I have not seen my feet since Lent.

Can you tell me, do my shoes match?

No.

Damn.

Well...

- I see Phil stood you up again, huh? - Right.

- Who's the designated hitter? - This is my nephew.

- How you doing? I'm Will. - Danny Mitchell.

So I guess your husband will be showing up any minute, huh?

- No, he's in Mexico. - On vacation?

No, on his secretary.

But don't worry, he's not having a good time.

I filled his thong with BenGay.

Remind me to stay on your good side, Danny.

Will, what's so funny?

It's just that a dude named Danny Mitchell is my favorite sportswriter.

- Well, you know, I could introduce you. - Word?

Hey, how you doing?

Y ou're the Danny Mitchell?

Wait, hold it. I heard Charles Barkley on the radio talking about...

him and Danny was gonna rumble in the parking lot...

after the Laker game.

He won't show up, that wuss.

All righty, coaches...

let's get our mommies in a comfy position.

- Will? - What?

That's right. I'm sorry, Aunt Viv.

- That's good. - Are you all right?

- Y ou need some help there, Danny? - Why, you got a forklift?

- Will? - What?

Aren't you forgetting something?

I'm sorry, Aunt Viv. Hey, thanks a lot.

I'll help you, Vivian.

Now, I apologize.

Y ou were right. I have a responsibility, and I need to be here tonight.

No, you don't.

Y ou just don't want to sleep on the couch, Philip.

I hate sleeping on that thing. It's all lumpy.

Remember, partners, lots of touching and hugging.

Show each other how you really feel.

- I showed up, didn't I? - Y eah, Philip, for all the wrong reasons.

What is your problem, honey?

Having a baby is spiritual, and wonderful, and miraculous.

It doesn't sound miraculous. It sounds yucky.

Y ou should have thought about that seven months ago...

- before that second bottle of wine, Philip. - Wait a minute.

Vivian. Vivian, wait a minute. Vivian, come on.

Hey, Uncle Phil, how's your back?

- Are they always like this? - No, sometimes they fight.

Look, you better go out. They might need a ref.

No, that's cool. I'll stay here and help you out.

Great.

Will, I guess I owe you one.

Y ou know what? I am covering the Laker game on Saturday night.

- Y ou want to watch from the press box? - From the press box?

Okay, I can't breathe.

Okay, come on. Lie back here. Okay, take it slow. Take it slow.

Breathe deeply. Breathe deeply.

Okay, focus. Focus with me.

Heck of a game, huh? Can I get you anything else?

- No, thanks, Tone. This is fine. - Cool.

- Nothing for you, Will? - No, thanks.

I'm still tripping over that game.

It was hype. Like, Worthy passes to Vlade.

Vlade back to Byron Scott. Byron Scott back to Vlade.

Vlade gets the ball back to Worthy. Worthy gets it, stuffs, pop.

The Lakers win the game! The Lakers win the game!

Y ou know what the high point of the game was for me, huh?

What? When you punched Jack Nicholson in the nose for touching your stomach?

Indigestion.

I guess I shouldn't have had that third chili dog, huh?

So what's with this free-trade agreement?

They gonna set it up demographically, or what?

Tony, why aren't you driving?

'Cause nobody else is. The parking lot's all jammed up.

Y ou gonna eat those fries?

- What? What's the matter? - My water broke.

That's cool. We got another one, right here in the fridge.

No, no.

I mean, I think I'm having the baby.

I just had the car cleaned. Can't you hold it for a couple of hours?

I think that means, "No, Tone." Do something, man!

Y ou think I got time to Scotchgard?

- The woman's having a baby, you idiot. - Hey, I have feelings, you know.

- Hey, I'm sorry, Tone. Hey, Tone... - Will, I need you. Stay.

All right, it's cool, Danny.

All right, I know exactly what to do.

Help! Help!

Help!

Help!

Damn you. I said, "Help!"

Hey, is there a doctor in the parking lot?

- I'm a doctor. - Thank God.

Look, Doc, I got a lady in here having a baby.

Y eah, you're going to have to climb over that car.

That's good. All right, come on. Wait, yo, look out. Don't, man.

Is there a doctor for the doctor?

- Hey, how's it going, Danny? - Not too bad.

It's kind of like trying to squeeze Della Reese out of a Hyundai!

All right, it's cool. All right, look, I'm calling 911.

911! 911!

Don't bother. We're in wall-to-wall traffic.

No ambulance can get through this.

Wait, here comes another one. This time you better time me.

All right.

Oh, my God. They're 10 seconds apart. Y ou're having a baby.

Y ou think?

Danny, all right, look, I know what to do. I'll call Aunt Viv.

- That's it, she'll know what to do. - Okay.

- Hello? - Hi, Wi//.

Wait, slow down. I can't understand you.

No, I don't know where Mom is.

Wait, what's the problem?

Sure. Look, Will, I don't have time for your little pranks.

I have a date.

What are you doing?

Look, I'm not even playing that stupid murder game, so...

Look, don't aim that thing at me.

Hilary, are you there?

Well, I hope you're all happy.

Now I'm gonna have a big, ugly, red circle in the middle of my forehead.

I'll look just like Carlton's yearbook picture.

Hilary, no, don't hang up! Hilary.

- Danny, what are we gonna do? - This is unbelievable.

I'm going through all this in the back of a limo...

because of what went on in the back of my Jeep.

Wow, I got to get me a Jeep.

Look, Danny, can you do me, like, one real big favor?

- Sure, what is it? - Please don't have this baby now!

Relax. Relax.

I took the classes. I read the books. I can handle it, yeah.

I can't take it! I can't take it! I can't take it!

Help!

Sorry, buddy, there ain't no doctor out here.

Hey, man, I don't need a doctor, I need an exorcist.

Will, there's a bottle of Dom Perignon over in the bar over there.

Get it.

I don't think so, Danny.

Y ou seem like you might be kind of a mean drunk.

I don't want to drink it.

I want you to smack me over the head with it!

- What? - Just until I pass out.

This baby's on its way, and I think it's bringing luggage.

It can't be on its way now. Y ou've only been in labor for 10 minutes.

Tell him. He's coming!

- Get out of my way. - Wait, Danny, where are you going?

If I run really fast...

I can get back to the Forum and have my baby on the floor...

- of a ladies' room with some dignity. - Wait, Danny, wait. Hold on.

All right, you win. Where's that champagne bottle?

Y o, guess who?

Not now, man. We got an emergency in here.

Hence, Dr. Finkelbaum.

- Hey, you a doctor, man? - Y eah.

I love you, man. I love you. Move.

So what seems to be the problem here?

I broke a nail. What the hell do you think?

- Lie back. - Just relax, Danny. He's here to help you.

Hey, Tone, what took you so long?

I was looking for a doctor, and I found an M.D. License plate.

I yanked the guy out of his car, and then I realized M.D. Stands for Mike Ditka.

Fortunately, the car he threw me up against...

belonged to Dr. Finkelbaum, here.

- Is this the lady having a baby? - Y eah. Hey, thanks a lot.

Right this way, man. We got some sodas in the fridge.

I called him from Finkelbaum's car.

I called him from Ditka's car.

Come on in. We got some brews, a little bit of Malt Duck.

Get this kid out of me.

I got to make a phone call. I suddenly miss my mother.

Danny, thanks for a wonderful evening. I'll call you.

Oh, no, Will, don't leave me.

All right, Danny. I'll stay here, and I'll help you focus.

Focus? I don't want to focus. I want drugs!

Now, get out in that parking lot and score!

Here we go.

It's Danny, isn't it? Bear down.

Danny, think of it as the World Series, all right?

All right, Alomar is rounding third. Here comes the throw.

- Slide, Danny, slide. - Here comes your baby, Danny.

Push!

Here you are, Danny. A beautiful healthy boy.

Y ou want to hold him?

No. No, thanks. I'll wait till somebody run him through a car wash or something.

- Come here, man. - Y eah, calm him down.

Get busy. Put your thing down. It's your birthday.

It's been one hell of a night, huh, Danny?

And, look, I went and saved the best for last.

Y es, I did. Y es, I did.

Y o, yo, yo. Anybody home?

Shabba!

Get off me, man.

Uncle Phil, what are you doing sleeping on the couch?

My chiropractor recommended it.

As you know, Will, I have a separation in my lower lumbar area...

- and the couch is perfect to align my... - She threw you out, huh?

Y ou got that right.

- Hear you had a pretty full night, too, huh? - Oh, man.

Uncle Phil, I got to tell you, when Danny went into labor, man...

- I was trying to get the heck out of there. - I heard that.

But then it was, like...

All of a sudden, it was a little alive wiggly thing, you know?

Ten fingers, and ten toes, and everything. It was so small.

I was the first person the baby saw, you know, upside down.

- Sounds like quite an experience, Will. - It was.

I'm gonna go give Danny a call at the hospital.

See how little Jackie Robinson Mitchell is doing, huh?

- Good night, Uncle Phil. - Good night, Will.

Well, bet you feel like a big dope, huh?

Vivian, I made a decision.

I really want to be in the room when you give birth.

Not just because you want me there...

but because I want to be the first person our baby sees upside down.

Philip, that's a beautiful thing to say.

But, I'm afraid, honey, that I'm gonna have to kill you, anyway.

No, Viv. No, Vivian!

And, look, I went and saved the best for last.