All language subtitles for Spaceballs_ENGLISH

Colonel Sandurz?

What is it, Sgt Ricco?

You told me to let
you know the moment

Planet Druidia
was in sight, sir.

- So?
- Planet Druidia is in sight, sir.

You're really a Spaceball.

- You know that, don't you?
- Thanks, sir.

Have you notified Lord Helmet?

Yes, sir. I took the
liberty. He's on his way.

Make way for Dark Helmet!

All rise in the presence
of Dark Helmet.

I can't breathe in this thing.

We're approaching
Planet Druidia, sir.

Good.

I'll call Spaceball City
and notify President Skroob immediately.

I already called him, sir.
He knows everything.

What?

You went over my helmet?

Well, not exactly over, sir.
Uh, m-m-more to the side.

I'll always call you first.
It'll never happen again.

Never ever!

Oh, shit!

No, no, no, no!
No, no, no! Please! Please!

Please!
No! No! No, not that!

Yes, that.

- Sandurz!
- Sir.

I don't see Planet Druidia.
Where is it?

We don't have
visual contact yet, sir,

but we have it on
the radar screen.

- Shall I punch it up for you?
- Uh, never mind. I'll do it myself.

Very good, sir.

What's the matter
with this thing?

What's all that
churning and bubbling?

You call that a radar screen?

No, sir, we call it Mr Coffee.

Care for some?

Yes!

I always have coffee when I watch radar.
You know that.

- Of course I do, sir.
- Everybody knows that!

Of course we do, sir.

Now that I have my coffee,
I'm ready to watch radar.

Where is it?

Right here, sir.

Switch to teleview.

There it is.
Planet Druidia.

And underneath the air shield,
10,000 years of fresh air.

- We must get through that air shield.
- We will, sir.

Once we kidnap the princess,

we can force her
father, King Roland, to

give us the combination
to the air shield,

thereby destroying Planet Druidia
and saving Planet Spaceball.

Everybody got that?

Good.
When will the princess be married”?

Within the hour, sir.

Well, I hope
it's a long ceremony,

cos it's gonna
be a short honeymoon.

Hot!

Too hot!

Oh, if only your mother were alive
to see this day.

- Is everyone ready?
- Yes, Your Majesty.

- No! Where's my droid of honour?
- Oh, dear, yes.

Where's Dot? Dot?

Dot Matrix!

Oh, thank God, dear!

Where've you been?

Here I am. I'm sorry.
I had to make a pit stop.

I'm so excited,
... I couldn't hold my oil.

All right, people.
It's magic time!

All right, everyone,
starting on the left foot.

- Daddy, that's your right foot.
- It's too late. Keep going.

Daddy.

Must | go through with this?

I'm sorry, my dear.
You have to.

But, Daddy...

I don't love him.

I'm sorry, Vespa.
He's the last prince left in the galaxy.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here
on this most joyous occasion

to witness Princess Vespa,
daughter of King Roland,

going right past the altar,
heading down the ramp, and out the door!

Stop her!
Someone stop her! Stop her!

Hey, wait!
You forgot to get married!

Will you stop?

What are you doing?

No questions, Dot.
Get in.

What is she doing?
Where is she going?

Come back!

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ You got a nasty reputation ♪

♪ We're in a sticky situation ♪

♪ It's down to me and you ♪

♪ So, tell me, is it true? ♪

♪ They say there
ain't nobody better... ♪

Barf.

Barf!

- Barf!
- ♪ And playing to win ♪

♪ Raise your hands ♪

♪ When you wanna let it go... ♪

Barf.

Always when I'm eating.

Barf!

- What can I do you for, boss?
- Where you been?

- Grabbing myself a snack. You want some?
- No!

- A little hair of the dog?
- No! Listen, answer that thing for me.

- Will you watch that?
- Oh, sorry.

I'll just throw on our audio here.
That way they won't see you.

- Yello!
- 'Hello, Lone Starr.'

Sorry, wrong switch.

Hello, Vinnie.
What do you want?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's not what I want.

It's what he wants.

Pizza the Hutt!

Well, if it isn't Lone Starr

and his sidekick, Puke.

That's Barf.

Barf, Puke, whatever.

Where's my money?

Don't worry, Pizza.
You'll have it by next week.

No. No.
I gotta have it by tomorrow.

A hundred thousand space bucks?
By tomorrow?

A hundred thousand?

No way!

You forgot late charges,
which brings it up to, uh...

one million space bucks!

A million?
That's unfair!

Unfair to the pay or,

but not to the payee.

But you're gonna pay it, or else...

Or else what?

Tell him, Vinnie.

Or else Pizza is gonna
send out for you.

You're delicious.

Ciao, boys.

♪ I slept in your arms ♪

♪ Content to go on dreaming ♪

♪ A nightmare too real to imagine ♪

♪ Losing you ♪

Can we talk?

OK. We all know
Prince Valium is a pill,

but you could've married him
for your father's sake,

and then had a headache
for the next 25 years.

Will you turn that thing off?

What?

What is it?

I was saying, do you realise
what you've done?

Yes! And I'm glad.

Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad.

I wonder if she's glad.

Don't be ridiculous.

As President of Planet Spaceball,

I can assure both you
and your viewers

that there's absolutely
no air shortage whatsoever.

Yes, of course.
I've heard the same rumour myself.

Yes, thanks for calling
and not reversing the charges.

Yes, bye.

Shithead.

'President Skroob.'

-Yes?
- 'This is central control.

'Spaceball Commanderette Zircon
speaking, sir.'

Yes, what is it,
Commanderette?

'Lord Helmet has
just notified us

that Princess Vespa is in sight,

- 'and Spaceball One is closing in on her.'
- Good. Good.

'We have both ships
coming up on the

teledar, sir, if you
wish to observe.'

I'll be down immediately.

'Should I have Snotty
beam you down, sir?'

I don't know about that beaming stuff.
Is it safe?

'Oh, yes, sir.
Snotty beamed me twice last night.

'It was wonderful.'

All right. I'll
take a shot at it.

What the hell, it
works on Star Trek.

'Snotty,

- 'beam him down.'
- Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.

Great beasties!
What's happened to his head?

It's on backwards!

This is terrible!
Do something!

I'm sorry, sir.

There must have been a
micro-converter malfunction.

Why didn't somebody tell me
my ass was so big?

Hold on, sir.
We'll try to reverse the beam.

It could be the interlocking
system.

Lock 1. Lock 2. Lock 3.

Loch Lomond!

'Are you all right,
Mr President?”

Fine. Fine.
No thanks to you!!

'We'll beam you back, sir.'

Forget it. Forget it.
No more beaming.

This time I'm gonna walk.

- President Skroob! Salute!
- Hail, Skroob!

Hello, President Skroob.

- Hello, Charlene.
- I'm Marlene.

- Hello, Marlene.
- I'm Charlene.

Chew your gum.

- Where's the princess?
- Right there, sir,

on the left side of the screen,
approaching Spaceball One

at 1,500 light leagues per minute.

Good. Good.
She's almost in our grasp.

Tell Dark Helmet he must
take the princess alive.

Princess Vespa's spaceship
within range, sir.

Good.

Fire a warning shot across her nose.

- What's going on?
- It's either the 4th of July,

or someone's trying to kill us!

Hey, I don't have
to put up with this.

I'm rich.

What are you doing?

I'm calling my father.

1-800-Druidia.

Careful, you idiot!
I said across her nose, not up it!

Sorry, sir.
Doing my best.

- Who made that man a gunner?
- I did, sir.

He's my cousin.

- Who is he?
- He's an Asshole, sir.

I know that.
What's his name?

That is his name, sir.
Asshole. Major Asshole.

- And his cousin?
- He's an Asshole, too, sir.

Gunner's mate, first class,
Phillip Asshole.

How many assholes
we got on this ship anyhow?

Yo!

I knew it.
I'm surrounded by assholes.

Keep firing, assholes!

Hurry, Daddy. Hurry!

There are laser blasts
all around us!

I'm scared.

'King Roland to Lone Starr.

'King Roland to Lone Starr.
Are you there?

'Lone Starr, you've
got to help me.

Please save my daughter.

'She's being attacked by Spaceballs!'

Spaceballs? Forget it.
Too dangerous.

Besides, I'm already numero uno
on Dark Helmet's hit list.

Look, Your Highness,
it's not that we're afraid. Far from it.

It's just that we got this thing
about death. It's not us.

'Please, you must!
You're the only ones that can save her!

'I'll give you anything!
Did you hear me? Anything.'

- Anything?
- 'Yes, anything.'

OK. We'll do it for...

- a million.
- 'A million?'

Whoa, you're
starting to fade here.

We're losing picture,
Your Highness.

'All right, all right, I'll pay it.
Only find her, save her.'

All right, King.
You just made a deal.

One princess
for one million space bucks.

What's she driving?

'A brand-new white Mercedes,
2001 S.E.L. Limited edition.

'Moon roof, all-leather interior.

'I got it at a very good price.
I paid cash.

'My cousin, Prince Murray,
has a dealership in the valley.

- 'He was very nice to me.'
- We get the idea.

- Where was she last seen?
- 'She was just passing Jupiter 2.'

- We'll find her.
- 'Please bring her back safely.

'And if it's at all possible,
try to save the car"

One million space bucks!
We'll be able to pay off Pizza the Hutt!

Give me paw!

What's happening?

What's that glow?

- We're not moving.
- Oh, we're moving all right.

Backwards.

Look, there's our princess.
She's got company.

Oh, no. Spaceballs!

And they've already got her
in their magnetic beam.

Oh, well, we're too
late. What a shame.

I'll throw her in reverse.
We'll get out of here.

Barf. No! Bad.

Oh, what are we doing
risking our lives for a runaway princess?

I know we need
the money, but...

Listen, we're not just
doing this for money.

We're doing it for a shitload of money.

Oh, you're right.
And when you're right, you're right.

And you, you're always right.

OK, we save her. But how?

The minute we move in there,
they're gonna spot us on their radar.

Not if we jam it.

You're right.

- Down scope.
- Down scope.

Radar about to be jammed.

Shit!

-'Sir.
- What is it?

'Can I talk to you
for a minute, please, sir?'

- Well?
- 'I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.'

You don't need that, Private.
We're right here. Now, what is it?

'I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.'

Now what is it?

- I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
- What's wrong with it?

I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps,
and I've lost the creeps.

- The what... and the what?
- The what?

You know. The bleeps.

The sweeps.

And the creeps.

That's not all he's lost.

Sir. The radar, sir.
It appears to be...

...jammed.

Jammed!

Raspberry.

There's only one man who would dare
give me the raspberry.

Lone Starr!

What was that?

Never mind that. What was that?

Hi.

- Who are you?
- Barf.

Not in here, Mister.
This is a Mercedes.

- No, that's my name. Barf.
- Barf?

What are you?

I'm a mawg -
half man, half dog.

I'm my own best friend.

What do you want?

Your father hired Captain Lone Starr
and me to save you.

Come on, we got to hop up this ladder
and get out of here.

Good. Quick. Hurry, darling.
Follow the dog.

Mawg. I'm a mawg.

Wait. What about
my matched luggage?

Hey, stop looking
up my can.

Sorry.

Checking in?

What the hell is all that?

It's Her Royal Highness's
matched luggage!

What?

Her Royal Highness's
matched luggage.

Matched luggage, huh?

What's she think this is,
a princess cruise?

Well, she wouldn't go without it.

Oh, yeah?

Now, hear this.
The minute we get out of here,

the first thing we do
is dump the matched luggage.

Who is that?

Now you hear this,
whoever you are.

You will not touch that luggage.

And furthermore,
I want this pigsty cleaned up.

I will not be rescued in such filth.

Listen. On this ship,
I don't take orders, I give 'em.

'This is my dreamboat, sweetheart.'

"Sweetheart"?

How dare you speak to me
that way?

"You will address me in the proper manner
as Your Royal Highness.'

I am Princess Vespa,

daughter of Roland,
King of the Druids.

That's all we needed.

A druish princess.

Funny.
She doesn't look druish.

Now we will show her
who is in charge of this galaxy.

Hold it.
I'll handle this personally.

Jawohl,
Lord Helmet!

So, Princess Vespa,

you thought you could outwit

the imperious forces
of Planet Spaceball.

Well, you were wrong.

You are now our prisoner.

And you will be held hostage
until such time

as all of the air is transferred
from your planet to ours.

She's not in there.

'Radar repaired, sir.

'We're picking up the outline
of a... Winnebago.'

Winnebago?

Lone Starr.

Lone Starr.

Here comes
the bad year blimp.

We'd better
get out of here in a hurry.

- Switch to secret hyper-jets.
- Switching to secret hyper-jets.

Buckle up back there,
we're going into hyperactive.

We're closing in on 'em, sir.

In less than a minute,
Lone Starr will be ours.

Good. Prepare to attack.

Prepare to attack.

On the count of three.

One...

Two...

Late!

- What happened? Where are they?
- I don't know, sir.

They must have hyper-jets
on that thing.

And what have we got
on this thing, a Cuisinart?

No, sir.

- Well, find 'em, catch them!
- Yes, sir.

Prepare ship for light speed.

- No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
- Light speed too slow?

Yes. We're gonna have to go
right to ludicrous speed.

Ludicrous speed?

Sir, we've never
gone that fast before.

I don't know if this
ship can take it.

What's the matter,
Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?

Prepare ship...

Prepare ship for ludicrous speed.

Fasten all seat belts.

Seal all entrances and exits.

Close all shops in the mall.

Cancel the 3-ring circus.

Secure all animals in the zoo...

Give me that,
you petty excuse for an officer.

Now hear this.

- Ludicrous speed!
- Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?

Buckle this.

Ludicrous speed! Go!

What have I done?

My brains are going into my feet.

What the hell was that?

Spaceball One.

They've gone to plaid.

We passed them.

Stop this thing.

We can't stop.
It's too dangerous.

We've got to slow down first.

Bullshit!
Just stop this thing!

I order you. Stop...!

Here, sir.
Here. Let me help you, sir.

Are you all right, sir?

Fine.
How have you been?

- Fine, sir.
- Good.

- Good thing you were wearing that helmet.
- Yeah.

What shall we do now, sir?

- Well, are we stopped?
- We're stopped, sir.

Good.

Why don't we take
a five-minute break?

Very good, sir.

Smoke if you got 'em.

- Take her out of hyperactive.
- Taking her out of hyperactive.

Congrats, boss. We did it.

They must have overshot us
by a week and a half.

OK, let's set a course for Druidia.

Setting a course for Drui...

- What's that?
- I don't know.

I don't know.
We're losing power!

- Why?
- Cos we're out of gas!

Must've burned it up
in hyperactive.

I told you we should have put
more than five bucks' worth in!

OK. We'll have to set her down.

Prepare for an emergency landing.
Quick! Give me a reading!

Our Father, who art in Heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.

- Thy kingdom come...
- Will you stop that?

Keep your seat belts fastened back there.
You OK, Princess?

No, you idiot!
Where'd you learn how to fly?

OK. Eagle 5 coming in.

Left! Go left!
Right! I mean right!

Pull up! Pull up!

Where are you going?

I am going to tell
him off once and for all.

W-w-wait. We'll need him
to get us out of here.

Called me an idiot?

I'm going back there
and explain a few things to her.

Besides, he's got a sexy voice.
He might be cute.

Wait, wait,
you haven't seen what she looks like.

I know what she looks like.

If you've seen one princess,
you've seen them all.

Cute? I know these space bums,
they're all alike.

Fat, ugly...

Buck-toothed, knock-kneed...

...beer-swilling pigs!

...horse-faced space dogs!

Yeah, well, normally I'd...

Oh! That's gonna leave a mark.

Now listen, you...

You listen. On this
ship, you're to refer to me

as "idiot", not "you Captain".

I mean...
You know what I mean.

And you will not call me "you".

You will never
address me as "you".

You will call me
"Your Royal Highness"!

You are a royal pain in the...

- Whoa! Hold it. Time!
- What?

May I make a small suggestion?

Any minute now, the Spaceballs
are gonna make a major U-turn,

head back this way,
and make us all dead.

He's right. Let's go.

Wait. My things.

Now listen, you Royal...

...Highness.

Take only what you need
to survive.

Please slow down.
I'm getting sand up my gears.

Gee, I hope
she didn't forget anything.

All right, wait a minute, Barf.
Put it down.

What the hell's in this thing?

What's this?

I said, take only
what you need to survive.

It's my industrial-strength hair dryer.

And I can't live without it!

OK, Princess, that's it.

The fairy tale is over.

Welcome to real life.

You want this hot air machine,
you carry it.

You pick that up.

You pick that up.

How dare you,
you insolent peasant?

Nobody talks to me that way.
Nobody!

Nobody!

Well, what have we got here?

Will you look at her?

Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks,
those trembling lips.

You know something, Princess?

You are ugly when you're angry.

That's it.

You and your dog are...

Please, please, please, please.
Total humans, droids, if I may?

It's going to be very dark soon,

so I suggest we find
a place to camp for the night.

Come, darling.

See? It's lighter.

Oh, yeah.
This is the best.

I could've carried
two or three of these.

Have you found them yet?

No, Lord Helmet.
They're still not on the scanner.

Well, keep looking for them.

Pardon me, sir. I have an idea.

Corporal, get me the video cassette
of "Spaceballs: The Movie".

Yes, sir.

"The Producers",
"Twelve Chairs",

"Blazing Saddles",
"Young Frankenstein"...

Colonel Sandurz,
may I speak with you, please?

Yes, sir.

How can there be a cassette
of "Spaceballs: The Movie"?

- We're still in the middle of making it.
- Well, that's true, sir.

But, there's been a new breakthrough
in home video marketing.

- There has?
- Yes. Instant cassettes.

They're out in stores
before the movie is finished.

- Nah.
- Here it is, sir!

"Spaceballs”.

Good work, Corporal.
Punch it up.

That's much too early.
Prepare to fast-forward.

- Preparing to fast-forward.
- Fast-forward!

Fast-forwarding, sir.

No, no, no, go past this.
Past this part.

In fact, never play this again.

Try here. Stop.

What the hell am I looking at?

- When does this happen in the movie?
- Now.

You're looking at now, sir.

Everything that happens now
is happening now.

- What happened to then?
- We passed then.

- When?
- Just now. We're at now, now.

- Go back to then.
- When?

- Now.
- Now?

- Now!
- I can't.

- Why?
- We missed it.

- When?
- Just now.

When will then be now?

Soon.

How soon?

- Sir!
- What?

We've identified their location!

- Where?
- It's the moon of Vega.

Good work. Set a course
and prepare for our arrival.

- When?
- 1900 hours, sir.

By high noon tomorrow,
they will be our prisoners.

Who?

No, thank you.
I'm perfectly all right.

Take it, it's freezing.

If you insist.

Won't you be cold?

No, cold never bothers me.

I can't seem to find Druidia.

It's right there.

Where?

It's right there.

It's that bright blue
one right there. See?

Oh, yeah.
But it's so far a...way.

Don't worry,
I'll get you there.

- Which one's yours?
- Who knows?

- You don't know where you're from?
- Not really.

I was found on the doorstep
of a monastery.

A monastery? Where?

Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.

Well, didn't the monks tell you
who your parents were?

They couldn't.
They took a vow of silence.

All I got was this.
It was around my neck.

- What is it?
- I don't know.

I've taken it to every wise man
in the universe,

and nobody could tell me
what it means.

It's beautiful.

You know, I...

It's beautiful.

So, how come you ran away
from your wedding?

Well, if you must know,
I wasn't in love with the groom.

Why were you gonna marry him?

Because I'm a princess,
and I have to marry a prince.

And he doesn't do it for you, huh?

No, he doesn't do it for me.

I really must go back.

I shouldn't have run away.

I realise now that love is one luxury
a princess cannot afford.

You're probably right.

I know now that I must learn
to live without love.

I guess so.

Besides,
love isn't that important.

Nah, it never was.

I could be perfectly happy
the rest of my life without...

...love.

Sure you could.

Without physical contact.

Yeah.

Without being held.

Yeah.

Or kissed.

Abandon ship! Abandon ship!

Women and mawgs first!

We'll have none of that, Mister.

How far did he get? What did he touch?
What did he touch?

Nothing happened!

What the hell was that noise?

That was my virgin alarm.

It's programmed to go off
before you do.

You get back to bed, Miss.

And as for you, sex fiend...

All right. All right.
Let's all just get some sleep.

We gotta get moving before dawn.

- Why so early?
- Because we're in the middle of a desert,

and we aren't gonna get very far

once that blazing
sun gets overhead.

Nice dissolve.

Water! Water!

Water!

Oil. 9l.

Room service. Room service.

Chief, that's it.

I can't...

I can't go any further.

I can't go any further.

Come on, Barf, old buddy.

- Just one more dune to go.
- No!

You said that three dunes ago.

I got no more left.

Oh, waiter.
Check, please.

Must go on.

Must go on.

Must go on.

Who am I kidding?

Dink, dink!
Dink, dink, dink...

Dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink.
Dink, dink... dink.

Dink! Dink!
Dink, dink, dink...

Dink, dink, dink! Dink-dink!

Dink, dink, dink.

- Dink. Dink-dink.
- Dink.

Dink! Dink, dink-dink! Dink!

- Dink-dink!
- Dink-dink!

Thanks, little guy.

Dink-dink.

Thank you.

Dink, dink-dink.

Did I miss something?

When did we get to Disneyland?

I don't see them, Sandurz.

I've sent the troops on ahead
to vector 78, sir.

- Good, let's get moving.
- Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out.

What are you preparing?
You're always preparing. Just go.

- Just go.
- Yes, sir.

Sir, shouldn't you sit down?

- Dink-dink! Dink-dink!
- What are they saying?

Well, it's obvious
they want us to go with them.

What is this place?

It looks like the temple of doom.

Well, it sure ain't Temple Beth Israel.

Come on.
I think we'd better follow 'em.

I think we woke it up.

Goodbye, folks!
Let me know how it turns out.

Come back here, Dot!

- Come on. We gotta keep going.
- We need you.

What's gonna happen now?

- Don't ask. Maybe it won't.
- But what if it does?

I don't know about you,
but I'm all for leaving.

I say we get out of here right now,
or it won't be good.

Silence!

Who dares enter the sacred
and awesome presence

of the everlasting
know-it-all, Yogurt?

Yogurt?

You heard of me?

Heard of you?
Who hasn't heard of Yogurt?

Yogurt, the wise.

Yogurt, the all-powerful.

Yogurt, the magnificent.

Please, please, don't make a fuss.
I'm just plain Yogurt.

- But you're the one...
- Yes.

I am the keeper of a greater magic,

A power known
throughout the universe as the...

- The force?
- No. The Schwartz.

The Schwartz!

Yes!

The Schwartz.

But, Yogurt, what is this place?

What is it that you do here?

Merchandising.

Merchandising? What's that?

Merchandising.
Come, I'll show you.

Open up the store.

Come!

Walk this way.
Take a look.

We put the picture's name
on everything!

Merchandising, merchandising!

Where the real money
from the movie is made.

Spaceballs, the T-shirt.

Spaceballs, the colouring book.

Spaceballs, the lunch box.

Spaceballs, the breakfast cereal.

Spaceballs, the flamethrower.

The kids love this one.

Last, but not least...

...Spaceballs, the doll. Me.

'May the Schwartz be with you.'

Adorable.

♪ Hot together ♪

♪ Hot, so hot together ♪

♪ Baby, we could be hot... ♪

'President Skroob!

What is it?

'I have an urgent message
from Lord Helmet.

- 'He's lost the princess.'
- Where?

'Somewhere in the sands of Vega.'

Tell them to comb the desert,
do you hear me?

Comb the desert!

'Yes, sir.'

- Sir?
- 'What?'

Are we being too literal?

'No, you fool.
We're following orders.

'We were told to comb the desert,
so we're combing it.'

Found anything yet?

Nothing yet, sir.

How about you?

Not a thing, sir.

What about you guys?

We ain't found shit!

It's a big mystery.
None of the wise men

could tell me what it means.

Wise men, pshaw!

Wise guys, you mean.
What do they know?

Here, let me take a look.

You can read it!

No, I was just clearing my throat.

Here, let me take a...

Oh, yes.
Yes, yes, of course!

- You understand it?
- Yes.

- What's it say?
- I cannot tell you that now.

It shall be revealed to you
at the proper time.

Great.

Come on, don't be disappointed.

Back to your Schwartz training!

Here, take the ring.

Point it at that big statue.

OK. But I still don't understand

how I'm gonna lift that big statue
with this little ring.

Never underestimate
the power of the Schwartz!

Come on, concentrate!
Here we go!

Concentrate.

Lone Starr, you're doing it!

You're doing it!

I can't believe it!

- The Schwartz, it's working!
- Yes! Yes!

Hey, boss,
how'd you do that?

Give me the ring.
Give me the ring, quick.

Sorry, Barf.

Keep searching.

It's no use, sir.
We've searched everywhere.

Wait! I feel the presence of...
the Schwartz!

- The Schwartz?
- Yes.

It's coming from somewhere...

...down there.

You're right, sir.
There's a secret entrance here.

And look at this insignia.
It's a "Y".

Yogurt!

Yogurt! I hate yogurt!

Even with strawberries!

I'll call for the
attack squad, sir.

No, no, no, we
can't go in there.

Yogurt has the Schwartz.
It's far too powerful.

But, sir, your ring.
Don't you have the Schwartz, too?

No, he got the upside.
I got the downside.

See, there's two sides
to every Schwartz.

Then how are we gonna
go in there and get her?

We will not go in there.

She will come out to us.

Vespa.

Vespa, my child.
Where are you?

Daddy?

Vespa, it's your father,
King Roland.

Come to me.

Daddy?

I hear you. I hear you.
Where are you?

Follow my voice.

Come to me.

Come to me.

Vespa, where are you going?

Vespa, come to me.

Daddy. Is it really you?

Yes, my dear.

I guarantee it.

Would I lie?

Daddy.

No, Vespa, don't! Ves...

Fooled you!

Take them both aboard,
and put the princess in my quarters.

Yes, sir.

Now she is mine.

What's the matter?
What are they saying?

They've taken the princess.

Spaceballs. Too late.

Don't worry, boss.
We'll get her back.

Yeah.

- Thanks for the gas, Yogurt.
- You're welcome.

And herel

Just in case you get hungry.

- A fortune cookie?
- Yes!

Remember,
open it before you eat it.

Thanks.
Well, we better get going.

I wonder, will we ever
see each other again?

Who knows?

God willing, we'll all meet again
in "Spaceballs 2:

"The Search For More Money".

Goodbye, Lone Starr.

Goodbye, Yogurt.

The ring of the Schwartz!

- No, no, I can't take this.
- Take it, take it.

You might need it.

Thanks.
I'll never forget you.

- Wish me luck.
- Dink!

So, Princess Vespa,

at last I have you in my clutches

to have my way with you
the way I want to.

No! No, please! Leave me alone.

No, you are mine.

- Not so fast, Helmet.
- Lone Starr.

Yes, it's me.
I'm here to save my girlfriend.

Hi, honey.

Now you are going to die.

Hey, what'd you do to my friend?

The same thing
I'm going to do to you, big boy.

And you, too.

Now, Princess Vespa,
at last we are alone.

Oh! No, I hate you,

I hate you, I hate
you. Leave me alone!

Yet I find you strangely attractive.

Of course you do.

Druish princesses are often attracted
to money and power.

And I have both,
and you know it.

- Oh, leave me alonel!
- No, kiss me!

No! No! Yes! No!

- No!
- Yes! No! Yes...

Your helmet is so big.

- Lord Helmet.
- What?

You're needed on the bridge, sir!

Knock on my door.
Knock next time!

Yes, sir.

- Did you see anything?
- No, sir.

I didn't see you playing
with your dolls, again.

Good.

'President Skroob.'

I told you never to call me
on this wall.

This is an unlisted wall.

'Sorry, sir,
but it's very important.

'The princess has just been brought
to your office,

'and Lord Helmet and Colonel Sandurz
are awaiting you there.'

All right, all right.
Tell them I'll be right there.

Yes

Helmet, you fiend!
What's going on?

What are you doing
to my daughter?

Permit me to introduce

the brilliant young plastic surgeon,
Dr Phillip Schlotkin.

The greatest nose job man

in the entire universe
and Beverly Hills.

Your Highness.

Nose job?
I don't understand.

She's already had a nose job.

It was her sweet-16 present.

No, it's not what you think.

It's much, much worse.

If you do not give me
the combination to the air shield,

Dr Schlotkin
will give your daughter back...

...her old nose.

No...!

Where did you get that?

All right, I'll tell! I'll tell!

- No, daddy, no, you mustn't!
- You're right, my dear.

I'll miss your new nose.

But I will not tell him the combination,
no matter what.

Very well.

Dr Schlotkin, do your worst.

My pleasure.

No! Wait, wait!

I'll tell. I'll tell.

I knew it would work.

All right, give it to me.

The combination is:

1.

-1.
-1.

2.

- 2.
-2.

3.

- 3.
-3.

A.

- 4.
_ 4.

5.

- 5.
-5.

So, the combination is 1-2-3-4-5.

That's the stupidest combination
I ever heard in my life!

That's the kind of thing
an idiot would have on his luggage!

Thank you, Your Highness.

- What did you do?
- I turned off the wall.

No, you turned
off the whole movie.

I must have pressed
the wrong button.

Well, put it back on!
Put the movie back on!

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

You gotta get that thing fixed.

We're back!
And we have the combination!

- Schlotkin!
- What?

We're done with you.

Go back to the golf course,
and work on your putts.

Let's go, Arnold.
Come, Gretchen.

Of course, you know
I'll still have to bill you for this.

I bet she gives great helmet.

Well, did it work?
Where's the king?

- It worked, sir. We have the combination.
- Great!

Now we can take every last breath
of fresh air from Planet Druidia.

- What's the combination?
- 1-2-3-4-5.

- 1-2-3-4-57
- Yes.

That's amazing.

I've got the same
combination on my luggage.

Prepare Spaceball One
for immediate departure.

Yes, sir.

And change the combination
on my luggage.

Argh!

There it is.
Spaceball City, straight ahead.

Good, I'm taking her in.

Hey, what the hell is that thing?

It looks like a Winnebago with wings.

Jeez!

Hey, you can't park here!

Yeah, can't you guys read?
"No parking."

That son of a...

All right, hands up.

You're under arrest for illegal parking.

Yeah!

'Warden Miller,
Warden Miller, you're wanted in V-17.

'Attention. Attention.
Section "C" scanners, report.'

Nah!

She's gotta be in one of these cells.

Yeah, but which one?

- No.
- No.

♪ Nobody knows ♪

- It's coming from here.
- That can't be her.

♪ The trouble I've seen ♪

♪ Nobody knows but Jesus... ♪

It's her.

♪ Nobody knows ♪

♪ The trouble I've seen... ♪

She's a bass.

♪ Glory hallelujah ♪

What do you want?

It's me.

It's us.

Lone Starr.
How did you find us?

No time to talk. Come on.

We gotta move.

Barf! How'd you do it?

Come on.

Those are the guys
that stole our uniforms!

And beat the shit out of us, too!

Oh-oh! We got company.

Watch out!

- Damnit! That's our only way out.
- We're trapped.

Oh, I hate these movies.

- I'm out of ammo!
- Get back! I'll hold them off.

I got an ideal

What are you doing?

What's he doing?

Argh!

Good work!

Ugh, more ping-pongs!
Run for it!

Let's go!

It's closing!

The door's closing!

Go for broke!

Don't move or you're dead.
Stand up!

Captain, we've got them.

Spectacular stunt, my friends,

but all for naught!

Turn around, please.

Ah, what a pity.

What a pity!

So, Princess,

you thought you could outwit
the imperious force of...

You idiots!

These are not them.

You've captured
their stunt doubles.

Search the area. Find them!

Find them!

Hurry up. Get aboard.
I'll hold them off.

- Open the door!
- I can't, it's fused.

- What about this one?
- It's locked.

Where are the keys?

- Inside.
- Oh, great!

Duck!

Here, you hold them off.
I'll get the door.

I ain't shooting this thing.
I hate guns.

Argh!

My hair.
He shot my hair!

You son of a bitch!

Holy shit!

How was that?

Not bad.

Not bad for a girl.

Hey, that was pretty good
for Rambo!

Let's blow this joint.

President Skroob! Salute!

Hail, Skroob.

The ship is too big.

If I walk, the
movie will be over.

- Sir.
- Yes? Oh!

Never have that damn thing down
in front of me.

How do I know you're
not making faces

at me under that thing?

- President Skroob.
- Yes?

There it is, Planet Druidia.

Ah! Planet Druidia.

And ten thousand years of fresh air.

The way he runs things,
it won't last a hundred.

What?

Preparing ship for
metamorphosis, sir.

Good. Get on with it.

Ready, Kafka?

Look, it's Spaceball One.

- They've reached the air shield.
- And it's opening.

The ship's too big.
They'll never get through.

How are they
gonna get the air out?

I don't see any
hoses or anything.

What's happening?

The ship...

Changing!

Oh, my gosh!

It's not just a spaceship.

It's a transformer.

It's changing into...

...a gigantic...

...maid...

...with a vacuum cleaner.

So, that's how
they're gonna get the air out.

Metamorphosis completed, sir.

Spaceball One has now become...

...Megamaid.

Good!

Remarkable!

Now, commence operation
vacu-suck.

Suck. Suck. Suck!

Goodbye, little Vespa.

My little baby Vespa.

The air bag, it's almost full.

What do we do?

We've gotta act fast.

Step one: We reverse the vacuum

and blow the air
back onto the planet.

Step 2:

We destroy that thing.

But isn't that dangerous?

Extremely.

Plus, I don't know
how the hell we're gonna do it.

What about that
ring Yogurt gave you?

Oh, yeah. But...

Come on, boss. Give it a shot!

OK. Here goes nothing.

Look at that.

It's... It's working.

Come on, Schwartz!

Come on, Schwartz!
Come on, Schwartz!

Helmet, what's going on?

Sandurz, what's going on?

It's Megamaid.

She's gone from suck to blow.

What? They're getting all their air back.
Do something.

Do something!

Do something!

I'm breathing.

Air.

Air!

- Dim the lights.
- Dimming the lights.

- Go to infrared.
- Going to infrared.

- Pray to God.
- Praying to God.

Be careful. Careful.

- What are you doing?
- Scanning.

There's gotta be a
self-destruct mechanism

somewhere in the
central brain area.

- I think we just found it.
- Where?

Watch.

Bingo! There it is.

It's right below us.

- Put her in hover, Barf.
- Putting her in hover.

- I'm going down there.
- He's going down there.

I wouldn't.

What the hell are you doing?

The Vulcan neck pinch?

No, no, no, stupid.
You got it much too high.

It's down here
where the shoulder meets the neck.

- Like this?
- Yeah.

Thanks.

'Hand print identification, please.

'Hand print identification, please.

'Hand print identification, please.

'Hand print...'

Thanks again.

Is that you, Mylar?

Who are you? What
are you doing with that?

This!

Sweet dreams.

- Not so fast, Lone Starr.
- Helmet!

So... at last we meet for the first time
for the last time.

Yeah!

Before you die,
there is something

you should know
about us, Lone Starr.

What?

I am your father's
brother's nephew's

cousin's former roommate.

What's that make us?

Absolutely nothing!

Which is what you are about
to become.

Prepare to die.

You have the ring,

and I see your Schwartz
is as big as mine.

Now let's see how well you handle it.

Um, he did it.

What?

Shit!

I hate it when
I get my Schwartz twisted.

OK. Maybe
if I put my leg up on yours,

you know,
we could scoot apart, like...

Good. Yeah, on 3.
1, 2, 3, go!

So, Lone Starr...
Yogurt has taught you well.

If there's one thing I despise,
it is a fair fight.

But if I must, then I must.

May the best man win.

Put her there.

The ring! I can't believe

you fell for the oldest
trick in the book.

What a goof!

What's with you, man?
Come on.

You know what?

Here, let me give
it back to you. Oh!

Oh, look at that!
You fell for that, too.

I can't believe it, man.

So, Lone Starr, now you see
that evil will always triumph

because good is dumb.

Very impressive, Lone Starr.

Too bad this isn't
the wide world of sports.

'Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr.
Use the Schwartz.'

I can't. I lost the ring.

'Forget the ring.
The ring is bupkis.

'I found it in a cracker jack box.

"The Schwartz is in you,
Lone Starr. It's in you.'

All right. I'll try.

Say goodbye
to your two best friends,

and I don't mean your pals
in the Winnebago.

'Thank you for pressing
the self-destruct button.

"This ship will self-destruct
in three minutes.'

What's going on?

Where the hell are we?
Paris?

'Thank you for pressing
the self-destruct button.

"This ship will self-destruct

in exactly two minutes
and 45 seconds.'

You've got to stop it.
Is there any way to stop it?

I can't.
It's irreversible.

Like my raincoat.

Attention, this is Colonel Sandurz
in forward command.

Abandon ship! Abandon ship!

All personnel proceed to escape pods.

Close down the circus.
Evacuate the zoo.

The self-destruct mechanism
has been activated.

Abandon ship.

Sandurz!
Sandurz, you gotta help me.

I don't know what to do.

I can't make decisions.
I'm a president!

'This is
your two-minute warning.

"This ship will self-destruct
in exactly two minutes.'

Launch all escape pods
as soon as they are filled.

What's happening?
Where is he?

♪ Spaceballs ♪

♪ Watch out... ♪

- Where is he?
- Here.

We've got a minute and forty

before the end of
the world. Hang on.

♪ Spaceballs... ♪

- Full throttle.
- Full throttle.

- Go to hyper-jets!
- Going to hyper-jets.

♪ If you're living in a bubble
and you haven't got a care... ♪

Hey, get out of there.
Where do you think you're going?

Pizza to go!

♪ Then you're
gonna be in trouble ♪

♪ cos we're gonna steal
your air ♪

♪ Cos what you got
is what we need ♪

♪ And all we do
is dirty deeds ♪

♪ We're the Spaceballs! ♪

♪ We're the Spaceballs... ♪

- That's my escape pod.
- Who are you?

I'm the bearded lady.
What are you, one of the freaks?

Hey, come back!
That's my pod!

No!

Come back,
you fat, bearded bitch!

One pod left.
And three of us.

And I'm the president.

Well, boys,
it's a very lovely ship.

I think you should go
down with it.

Goodbye!

What's the matter with this seat belt?

♪ Spaceballs... ♪

"This ship will self-destruct
in twenty seconds.

"This is your last chance
to push the cancellation button.'

Cancellation button? Hurry!

♪ Spaceballs... ♪

- Where is it? Where is it?
- It's gotta be here.

- Out of order?
- Fuck!

Even in the future nothing works.

"This ship will self-destruct
in exactly ten seconds.'

'Counting down.

'Ten. Nine.

'Eight. Six.'

Six? What happened to seven?

'Just kidding.'

There's the other end.
Faster!

'Six. Five. Four.

"Three. Two. One.

'Have a nice day.'

Thank you.

We did it!

We all did it.

'So, I guess you might call that

a case of man bites droid?"

'On a sadder note,

'Pizza the Hutt,
famed half-man, half-pizza,

"was found dead earlier today,

in the back seat of
his stretched limo.

'Evidently, the notorious gangster
became locked in his car

'and ate himself to death.

'Coming up, Pongo's review
of Rocky 5,000. Pongo?'

'Whoever said
when you've seen...'

Did you hear that?
Pizza kicked the bucket.

Now we don't have
to pay him the million.

We can keep it for ourselves.

Yeah.

- Daddy! Oh, Daddy!
- Oh, Vespa, my darling.

I thought I'd never see you again.

Oh, my sweet little daughter.

I'm so happy
that you're home and safe.

And, little Vespa,
here's someone else

who's happy to see you.

Oh, hello.
Where have you been?

Thanks, hon.

J Hello, baby

-J Yeah, yeah...
- Hiya, Big Stuff.

Hi, Dream.

What will you have?

We just got a couple minutes
while we're gassing up. What's ready?

I can give you the space soup,
or the space special.

- I'll have the soup.
- OK.

I'll have the cleavage... uh, special.

OK, one special and one soup.

- Ready to order?
- Hi, yes.

- We'll both have the lunafish.
- Oh, anything to drink?

Hey, hey. Watch where
you're sticking that thing.

Look, it's got a mind
of its own, sweetheart.

I can't do a thing
with it.

- What?
- So, we were lost.

None of us knew where we were.

And then Harry began
feeling around on all the trees.

Then he said,
"I got it. We on Pluto."

And we say,
"Harry, how can you tell?"

He said,
"From the bark, you dummies."

From the bark.

Is he all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
The guy digs me.

- Hey, what's wrong with this guy?
- I don't know.

Bring him some water!

Water, my ass!

Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!

Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?

- Oh, he had the special.
- The sp... That's what I ordered!

- Change my order to the soup.
- Good move.

Oh, no.

Not again!

♪ Hello, my baby,
hello, my honey ♪

♪ Hello, my ragtime gal ♪

♪ Send me a kiss by wire ♪

♪ Baby, my heart's on fire ♪

♪ If you refuse me,
honey, you'll lose me ♪

♪ Then you'll be left alone,
oh, baby, telephone ♪

♪ And tell me I'm your own ♪

Check, please.

Five minutes to magic time.

Are you all right, my dear?
You look a little flighty.

Don't worry about me, Father.
I'm completely over him.

Didn't even stay
for the wedding.

Just grabbed
his million space bucks and ran.

He didn't take the million.

- He didn't?
- No.

He just took 248 space bucks
for lunch, gas, and tolls.

I still can't believe
you turned down the money.

At least we could have
stayed for the wedding feast.

I'm starving!

- Have you got anything to eat?
- Nah.

Oh, wait a minute.
Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie.

- Here, chow down.
- Wow, thanks.

- I'll split it with you.
- No.

OK.

- Yogurt!
- Hello, boys.

Well, you opened your fortune cookie,
so here's your fortune.

Lone Starr, you know that medallion
that you wear around your neck,

but you don't know what it means?
Well, here's what it means.

It's a royal birth certificate.

Yes! Your father was a king.

Your mother was a queen.

Which makes you a certified prince.

Hey, I'm a prince!

I'm a prince, which means...

Which means, if you hurry,

there could be a
princess in your future.

Now if you want
to get back there

before she marries
Sleeping Beauty,

there's a special can of fuel
in your glove compartment.

- Good luck, boys.
- Bye, Yogurt.

And, Yogurt... thanks.

You're welcome.

And may the Schwartz be with you!

Oh, what a world, what a world...

- Barf, open that glove compartment.
- You got it, Your Highness.

Wow! Liquid Schwartz!

- Quick, pour it in the emergency tank.
- Right.

Look at that.

Done!

Hang on, Barf-o,
we're gonna make space tracks.

Dear me, what are those things
coming out of her nose?

Hey, hey. Watch my Helmet.

Spaceballs?

Oh, shit!
There goes the planet.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here together,
again...

Why didn't you tell me
he didn't take the money?

I didn't think it was important.

May I continue, please?

Besides,
he asked me not to tell you.

Thank you.

...to join Princess Vespa
and Princess Valium...

I'm sorry, it's the hair.

...Prince Valium
in the bonds of holy matrimony.

I see it all now.

Don't you see? He loves me!!

Excuse me. I'm trying
to conduct a wedding here,

which has nothing to do with love.
Please be quiet.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

- Don't be sorry. Be quiet!
- I'm sorry!

...to join Princess Vespa

and Prince Valium
in the bonds of holy...

..o!

...uh, matrimony.

That's him! I know it's him.
He's come back.

That's it! I'm gonna
take no more chances

but to make a short version.

Prince Valium,
do you take Princess Vespa

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Princess Vespa, do
you take Prince Valium

to be your lawfully
wedded husband?

Uh, well, I... I suppose.

Well... Oh, I don't know.

- No! She doesn't!
- What?

Who the hell are you?

Prince Lone Starr.

- Prince?
- I just found out.

That's what this says.
I'm an honest-to-God prince.

Will you marry me?

Well, let me think about it.

Yes.

I'm sick of this.

I don't give a damn who it is,

but I'm gonna marry
somebody today!

- Who are you?
- I'm the best man.

- What's your name?
- Barf.

- Your full name.
- Barfolomew.

Are you the one that's getting married?

- No.
- Then get over there!

OK, here we go.
The short, short version.

- Do you?
- Yes.

- Do you?
- Yes!

Good. You're married.
Kiss her.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Well... goodbye, virgin alarm.

"Spaceballs"

♪ If you're living in a bubble ♪

♪ and you haven't got a care ♪

♪ Well, you're
gonna be in trouble ♪

♪ cos we're gonna steal your air ♪

♪ Cos what you
got is what we need, ♪

♪ and all we do is dirty deeds ♪

♪ We're the Spaceballs ♪

♪ Watch out!
We're the Spaceballs ♪

♪ We're the masters of space ♪

♪ Hey, don't mess around ♪

♪ With the Spaceballs ♪

♪ Going cruising in a spaceship, ♪

♪ we're so good at being bad ♪

♪ We'll destroy your little planet
if you ever get us mad ♪

♪ We're mothers of the galaxy, ♪

♪ you better scatter
when you see ♪

♪ The Spaceballs! ♪

♪ Watch out!
We're the Spaceballs ♪

♪ We're the masters of space ♪

♪ Say what?
Don't mess around ♪

♪ With the Spaceballs ♪

♪ Watch out! ♪

♪ We're mothers of the galaxy ♪

♪ We're gonna take
the air you breathe ♪

♪ Oh, Spaceballs! ♪

♪ Watch out! ♪

♪ We're the Spaceballs ♪

♪ We're the masters of space ♪

♪ Don't mess around
with the Spaceballs ♪

♪ Duck! Watch out! ♪

♪ We're the Spaceballs ♪

♪ We're the masters of space ♪

♪ Don't mess around
with the Spaceballs ♪

♪ Watch out! ♪

♪ We've got a bossin'
little ship ♪

♪ So you better watch
your lip ♪

♪ Cos we're the Spaceballs ♪

♪ Watch out! ♪

♪ You may think
that you are bad ♪

♪ But believe
you can be had ♪

♪ By the Spaceballs ♪

♪ Watch out! ♪

♪ We're the Spaceballs ♪

♪ Watch out! ♪

♪ We're the Spaceballs ♪

♪ We're the masters of space ♪

♪ Don't mess around
with the Spaceballs ♪

♪ We're so bad and mean ♪

♪ We make nightmares
out of dreams ♪

♪ We're the Spaceballs ♪

♪ We're the Spaceballs ♪

♪ You better
Watch out! ♪