All language subtitles for Innocents in Paris 1953.en.closedcaptions

[ethereal intro music]

[triumphant trumpet music]

[jolly music]

[engine buzzing softly]

[airplane engine buzzing]

-Paris, miss?
-Yes.

[porter] Lost anything, miss?

-Yes, my ticket.
-[porter chuckles]

-There it is.
-Oh! Thanks.

-Gave me a fright.
-Mm. Your first time going abroad?

How did you guess? [chuckles]

I've been saving up for ages.

Ah, when you've been here as long
as I have, miss, you'll get to know 'em.

[sergeant] Clarinet.

Drum.

I wish my mother had taught me
to play the flute.

-Put it down, you fool!
-Yes, Sarge.

[pained groan] My foot!

Sorry, Sergeant. Orders is orders.

[inaudible]

Are you travelling, sir?

What the devil do you think
I've come here for? [scoffs]

Ah, well, here I go, facing
all the dangers of foreign travel

while you go skulking back to the local.

By golly, I wish I was
coming with you, Captain.

I'll take you with me one day, my boy,

-and show you the real Paris.
-Will you?

-[laughs]
-In there, in there, in there!

[photographer]
Sir Norman! Thanks. Sir Norman.

Just a moment. Here we go.

[photographer] Could I have a smile,
Sir Norman, please? Just one little smile.

Well, I can't keep this up all day, you
know. Why don't you flash your bulb?

[photographer] Thank you, Sir Norman.

[reporter]
Why are you going to Paris, Sir Norman?

For tomorrow's session
of the Preliminary Economic Conference.

Did the Prime Minister send you,
Sir Norman?

Is the conference going badly?

I wouldn't say "badly".

Are the Russians being troublesome?

I wouldn't say "troublesome".

-What would you say?
-Mmm?

I'd say that the conference
is not going particularly well,

that the Russians are not being
particularly easy,

and, uh… And that is all. [sighs]

[man] Are you going over for long?

-Just for the weekend.
-[man] I see.

-Thank you.
-Thank you very much.

-[man] British, sir?
-And proud of it!

There's been a Stilton in Shropshire
since the Norman invasion.

[man] How much British money
have you, sir?

My bank balance is my own affair.
Don't ask impertinent questions.

[man] No, I mean, how much on you, sir?

-Well, how much I am allowed to have?
-[man] Five pounds, sir.

Five pounds, then.

Ridiculous formalities!

Head up, chest out, shoulders back!

Remember,
you're playing in Paris tomorrow!

Ooh-la-la!

I'll teach you French, Bandsman Bird!

What's the French for blimey?

Have you any English money with you, sir?

Four pounds, 11 shillings
and seven pence halfpenny in cash.

In traveler's cheques,
the maximum amount permitted

under the Treasury Order in Council,
2585, 1952.

-You seem to have studied it, sir.
-Studied it?

I introduced it.

Sir Norman! I'm sorry, sir,
I didn't recognize you.

Of course, that's quite all right, sir.
Here you are.

No, one moment, please.
Leave that, will you?

Under the same Order in Council,
sub-section 4, paragraph 2,

I'm required to disclose
any personal valuables

I may be taking abroad.

Uh, you'll find a pair of
silver-backed hairbrushes in the suitcase.

Do you, uh… Do you wish to see them?

-Uh, no… No, sir.
-Mmm.

Oh, and, uh, these.

Uh, onyx and white gold.

Very pretty, sir. [chuckles]

[Norman] That remark is superfluous.

Uh, I'll expect to disclose
all these to you on my return.

-[Norman] Good day.
-Good day, sir.

-Did you want something, sir?
-Eh?

Och, no, it's… It's just that, well,

window dressing's my job too,

and I like studying
other people's methods.

I don't suppose I should
now that I'm on holiday.

[chuckles] No.

[McGregor] Can I have
a cup of tea, please?

-Are you going to gay Paris?
-Yes.

[cash register pings]

-Done much flying?
-No.

I have. Perfectly safe
these days, of course.

Read about that crash yesterday?

-No.
-Ghastly!

Plane hit the top of a mountain, you know.

Still, if people don't look
where they're going,

could happen anywhere, couldn't it?

I had a nasty experience once.

-We were in the air at the time--
-[woman over PA] BEA,

British European Airways announce

the departure
of the Silver Wing for Paris.

That's us.

[woman over PA] Passengers
holding boarding card number ten, please.

[indistinct background chattering]

[engine buzzing softly]

Always safest to sit
at the back, you know.

Stilton.

McGregor.

As soon as we're airborne, double Scotch.

Yes, sir.

-Still one more to come.
-Is there?

Wait! Please wait!
It's going without us. I know it is!

Oh, my goodness!

Oh dear, oh dear! [chuckles]

I very nearly didn't get here.
Oh, thank you. My cat.

Be careful of that, my dear,
it's very precious.

Oh, well, here we are at last!

I nearly forgot to leave out
the milk for my cat.

[Gwladys] There we go. Here we are.

[indistinct]

Will all passengers kindly
fasten their seatbelts, please?

Your seatbelt, madam.

I haven't brought one with me.

What do you…?

-Oh, I see! The other end?
-Here we are.

Oh, yes, there we are.

[chuckles]

What an extraordinary thing.

Good gracious.

[groans] Prisoner for life.

Oh, well, never mind.

[engine rumbling]

Of course, the take-off is the worst part.

[foreboding music]

Would you care for a little more, madam?

Oh, uhm… [in French] No, thank you.

Thank you.

[in French] It's enough.

[chuckles] Oh dear, oh dear!

I really must brush up my French.

I've never been to Paris before.

But I've been practicing
my conversational phrases

for the past three months,

so, I don't think I need worry,
do you? [scoffs]

Thank you so much. [chuckles]

[bright music]

Would you like some more champagne?

[both] Yes, please.

What's the matter? Aren't you hungry?

No. I left my stomach behind.

[foreboding music]

Of course, the real trouble with Paris
is it's so darn expensive.

-You think so?
-[Stilton] You'll find out.

Cos I know Paris well, you know.

But there are always ways and means.

For instance, there's a chap
at the Britannia Bar

who'll always cash you a cheque.

Perhaps I'd better tell you that
I happen to be a government official.

Oh, well then, in that case you probably
wangled yourself all the francs you need.

[chuckles] Good luck to you!

[bright music]

[engine whirring]

[music ends]

[woman over PA in French] British
European Airways announces the arrival

of the Silver Wing service from London.

[in French] You said you didn't have any
money, but you do have money. How come?

[in French] I don't understand.

[in English]
I don't understand a word you're saying.

You don't speak conversational French.
What is the good of it?

[in French] What is she jabbering about?

-[in English] Have you any money?
-What? Money?

Yes. Oh, well.
[in French] English or French?

Any money.

-Well, I've got some French francs here.
-Ah. [indistinct]

Five pounds in Francais francs.

[in French] Yes.

-[in French] Yes. Very good.
-[Gwladys] Thank you.

-[in French] Thank you.
-Thank you very much.

That's all over now. That's a mercy.

-[in French] There you go, madam!
-Yes, now take care. Thank you.

[chuckles] Au revoir!

[triumphant trumpet music]

[bright music]

[military marching music]

[drumming music]

[comical music]

[snickering]

You ain't seen nothing yet.

ARRIVAL

-I knew I hadn't lost my passport.
-[in French] Well, now, it's gone.

Your bus has gone, miss.

But don't worry,
in half an hour, there's another one.

ARRIVAL FROM LONDON BEA

Thank you.

[melancholic music]

Excuse me, mademoiselle.

Maybe I could give you a lift into Paris?

How did you know I was English?

Your… your dress.

Are you a dressmaker?

[chuckles] No, no, but I am a Frenchman.

[in French] Excuse me.

[bright music]

Three hundred accidents a day
in Paris alone.

Can you wonder when the maniacs
drive on the wrong side of the road?

[hooter honking, brakes screeching]

It's the first time you see Paris
that lives in your memory.

Oh, it's wonderful!

Yes.

And it's never the same, you know.
Just like a woman.

You know a lot about women?

No, I know a lot about Paris.

Oh.

[jingle music]

Ah, Bickerstaff!

-Hello, Captain. The usual?
-Yes!

Just thought I'd pop in
for a quick one, you know.

I always like coming to the Britannia Bar.

It's the one place in Paris where you can
get a good glass of a decent British brew.

Well, that's very kind of you indeed, sir.

Thank you, Bickerstaff. Cheers!

Cheers, sir.

[gulps, smacks lips]

Have you got a good tip
for the Grand Prix tomorrow?

I'm doing Zizi.

You're doing Zizi?

[hearty laugh]

So are 40 million Frenchmen

and they'll all be caught
with their pants down.

-[laughter]
-[bright music]

[indistinct chattering]

[triumphant music]

[man speaking broken French]

Wilkinson.

What did Mother Hubbard's dog do?

In eight letters.

Begins with "W".

[man clears throat]

Uh… Oh.

Oh, but that's wonderful.

[chuckles] C'est très…

Comment vous dites? I can't…
I can't express myself in French.

-Well, that's very kind of you.
-Oh, you're English? [chuckles]

But it's not as good
as all that, you know.

You've really caught her.

-Do you think so?
-I do.

Well, I do my best.

Have you been long here?

-Only 30 years.
-Oh, good gracious!

[chuckles] Then you must have painted
the whole of Paris by now.

No, as a matter of fact, I've painted
very little outside this room.

Indeed?

And have you been copying
all these pictures?

No.

Only this one.

There's something between me
and the Mona Lisa.

You see, I've painted her 338 times.

Oh, no, really?

And how many of those copies
have you sold?

None.

But I'm bound to, one day.

[bright music]

Isn't it beautiful?

[Max]
That's the Champs-Élysées down there.

[Susan] Oh, how lovely.

I could stay up here forever.

[chuckles] You know, it gets
a little chilly in the evenings.

[Max] Down there is the Avenue Marceau.

An aunt of mine lives there.

-Look, there's the Eiffel Tower!
-Yes.

-We must climb that.
-[stutters] There is a lift.

It's much more fun to climb the stairs.

[chuckles] Yes, much more fun.

[clears throat]

[hooter honking]

[lively music]

It don't cost you nothing to look.

-That's all we can afford to do, chum.
-Yeah.

Here you are, men.
Here's your pocket money.

Have a good time.

Gay Paris on eight and four pence!

If we pool the lot, they'll be just
about enough for a good night out.

Yeah.

Just a moment.

Just a moment.

All right. Come on, come on. Spit it out.

-Why don't we pool the lot…
-Yeah.

-…have a draw…
-Yeah.

…and some lucky basket
will have the night of his life.

Vive la sport!

[gasps]

[laughter, indistinct chattering]

[Norman] In the changed economic
conditions of the post-war world,

there can be no reason whatever to doubt

that the productivity curve,
if inversely plotted

against the fluctuation
of the commodity index,

is directly proportionate to the rising

price/wage spiral.

No!

-So much is plain.
-No!

So much, I say, is plain.

No, no, no!

As plain as the nose
on Monsieur Panitov's face.

-[papers rustle]
-[murmuring]

[Norman sighs]

Mr. Chairman, I suggest we adjourn.

The meeting is adjourned.

What's the latest score?

[bright music]

Well, that's that.

I've enjoyed every second of it.
My head's in a whirl.

-I think we saw everything.
-Well, practically everything.

I wish I could repay you in some way.

-If you ever come to London, you must--
-No, you can repay me now, mademoiselle.

-How?
-[chuckles]

By spending the evening with me.

You mean, you'd really like me
to come out with you?

Go… go out?

No, no, I thought that maybe
a little supper in my flat.

I must see Paris by night.
I've heard so much about it.

Besides, I've brought a new
evening dress with me.

[chuckles]

Well, in that case, it would be a shame
not to let Paris see it.

[both laugh]

-How long will it take you to dress?
-Quarter of an hour.

Hmm.

Well, maybe we…

we had better to say in an hour?

-[laughs]
-Right.

-[indistinct chattering]
-[bright music]

No, no, three, tre. Huh?

Hello! [in French] Lighter!

[in French] Thank you. Hello! Attention!
Si, si.

And a couple of très bons, huh?

[chuckles]

[woman] Garçon, un Dubonet.

[indistinct chattering]

Comme ça? Non?

Yeah? Good?

Glass of vodka, please.

There's nothing to be done, Wilkinson.

If after three months,

the Russians haven't yet agreed
to a single point on the agenda,

how can you think for one moment

that they're serious in wanting
a full conference?

It does look discouraging, I must admit.

Oh, by the way, sir, it's time
for your vitamin pill.

-Hmm?
-Your vitamin pill, Sir Norman.

Oh, my goodness, so it is.

Uh, a sip of water, please.

[Wilkinson] All the same,
you know, I still have faith.

Mmm.

Which can move mountains,
I have no doubt, but…

[sighs] can it move the Kremlin?

[chuckles]

[hissing]

[strained] Poison!

Poison!

Quick, get a doctor!

Get a doctor!

It's all right, Sir Norman,
it's only vodka.

[scoffs]

Only vodka?

Don't you realize, man,
that with my stomach lining,

that atom bomb you've just given me

could be as poisonous as prussic acid?

What is this about the atom bomb, please?

Uh…

-Your vodka--
-I know, you appropriated it.

I am not prepared at the moment
to make issue.

What is this about the atom bomb?

It doesn't matter.

Please, allow me to buy you another vodka.

Another vodka,
please, for Monsieur Panitov.

Most kind.

What was that about the atom bomb?

Shut up!

[laughs]

Please, no, no, don't… don't shut up.

[hesitates] Please, just have your vodka.

I must apologize. I'm not quite myself.

It's my lining, Monsieur Panitov.

If you like, I'll explain to you
my little joke about the atom bomb.

-I merely said--
-But the atom bomb is no little joke.

I must refer you to the words
of Comrade Probolotov

at the last meeting of the Supreme Soviet,

when he described it
to sterling and prolonged applause

as a monstrous weapon of manslaughter,

as the hideous brainchild
of reactionary capitalism.

Oh, do shut up! [laughs]

Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Monsieur Panitov.

You… you must forgive me.
I… I'm not myself at all.

Wilkinson, get me
a couple of aspirin quickly. Oh!

I've such a very, very bad headache.

Of course, of course, Monsieur Panitov,

I remember
that speech of Monsieur Probolotov's.

But like most of my colleagues,
I found it easier to… to applaud his words

than to commend his sentiments.

Monsieur Panitov, I want to ask you

a plain and simple question to which
I must beg you to give me

a plain and simple answer.

Do you or do you not want
this conference to succeed?

Mud in eye!

Monsieur Panitov, the fate of millions
may hang upon that answer.

Do you or do you not want…
What is it, Wilkinson?

-Your aspirin, Sir Norman.
-Oh.

Thank you.

Excuse me, Monsieur Panitov.

[ghastly gasp]

No! No, no, no, no, no! [fake sobbing]

But dear fellow, what is it?

You've done it again.

Don't you realize? You've done it again!

But you give me drink,
I give you drink. This is correct.

It is not correct!

Oh, my lining! My head! My head!

-It is bad, your head?
-It's terrible, terrible!

-Wilkinson, get me more aspirin, quickly!
-No!

There is one thing will cure vodka head.
Only one, I know.

-What?
-Pink Lightning.

And I know the only place
in Paris where you get it.

Come, my dear fellow.

[Norman panting]

[in French] Come and see
The Mysteries of the Orient

which will both seduce and enlighten you!

And here she is, the beautiful,

the unrivaled, the unique Princess Samira!

The glamour girl of the Orient.
The pin-up of the East.

Princess Samira will perform now for you

the Dance of the Seven Veils.

[in French] Over here, gentlemen,

please move forward.

And you will be thoroughly entertained!

It barely costs anything, only 50 francs!

Hello, sir.

Come one, come all!
Come to the fantastic funhouse!

You will thoroughly enjoy yourself!

Life here is pure bliss!

[girls screeching]

[laughter]

[wind whirring]

[laughter]

[bright music]

[with French accent] I help you?

Oh.

You speak English?

A little.

I was in Normandy when the British come.

And the soldier kissed me.

I was in Normandy too.

I did not see you.

I'm sorry I didn't see you.

Well…

Sit down here.

[bright music]

[clears throat]

[inaudible]

It's beautiful.

And the dresses, weren't they wonderful?

I think yours is even more charming.

[in French] Flowers for the young lady?

[in French] Excellent idea, yes.

-Thank you.
-[in French] Thank you.

They're heavenly, aren't they?

[in English] There is nothing in the world
more beautiful than an English rose.

[in French] Russian-style Loire salmon.

Vauclusian river trout.

Delight of great waterfall sole fillet.

Bresse royal poultry,
julienned apples, and watercress.

Minute steak and precious potatoes.

[Susan] I don't know. You choose.

-It's very kind of you.
-[bright music]

[scoffs] I did nothing.

I am doing it all the day.

I work for Madam Perrey.

We are not as…

a la mode…

as Dior.

But we make nice model gowns all the same.

I can see you do.

Oh, this?

[chuckles] I make it myself.

A model is too expensive.

But…

You like it?

Very much.

My aunt will never believe it
when I tell her about all this.

-She didn't really want to let me come.
-I'm glad you did.

So am I.

[gentle music]

-What are these?
-[in French] Escargots, mademoiselle.

They look like snails to me.

[chuckles]

-[man] Psst! Psst!
-[jolly music]

Oh, perfect! A man in a fez!

Wait a minute.

Buy nice rug. Me no father, me no mother.

No, thank you. I don't want any carpets.

Wonderful subject.

Perfect.

That's lovely.

-You are a wonderful subject.
-[man] Hey!

-[man] Buy nice rug.
-Oh, stay where you are

-and stop moving about!
-Very strong.

No bugs.

Slinky trinket.

No, thank you. I don't want any jewelry.

Pretty slippers for pretty lady.
Very cheap.

I have bedroom slippers at home,
thank you.

Softy bag?

No, thank you!

I only want your face.

[lips smack]

[lips smack]

Thank you very much.

So very, very cheap.

-Lovely carpet.
-Oh! Unhand me, please!

-That's quite enough! Goodnight!
-Madam.

Come back. Me poor orphan.

-[Gwladys] Oh, no! Get away!
-Me no father, me no mother.

[man] Six wives, plenty children.
Stop! Stop!

-[dancer shouting]
-[upbeat Russian music]

[melodic shouting]

Is this the only place you can get them?

This is the only place.

[music ends]

[applause]

[gentle music]

[indistinct chattering]

Get down.

No, no. No. No.

No!

[in French] No, no. No. No.

[man] Psst!

[in French] General.

-Yes?
-[in English] Pretty postcards. Look.

No!

-Yes, mon ami.
-Yeah?

-3D pictures.
-Yeah?

-Look.
-Blimey!

What will they think of next?

[lively music]

Pink Lightnings.

Here you are.

Taste.

[lively French song]

Not, uh, not unpleasant.

Rather… rather akin to raspberryade.

What are the ingredients?

You should drink quick. Like that.

Not, uh, not unpalatable. [sighs]

Not… not… not unpalatable at all.

One is not enough.
Waiter, bring four more.

Charming…

little place you have here.

Quite charming. [chuckles]

[singing in French]

[chuckles] Friendly atmosphere.

[everyone singing together]

Very friendly.

Oh, w-w-w-what did you say the ingred… Uh…

The, uh, the ingred… Uh…

What did you say was in this drink?

Let me remember now.

-There is some Crimean beetroot juice…
-Ah! Beetroot… beetroot juice.

Oh, yes, very, uh, very fortifying.

…Samarkand brandy, Ukrainian gin,
Caucasian champagne.

I see. Uh…

Names of various, uh,
various fruit juices, I suppose.

Hmm.

[sighs]

Well now, uh, Panitov,
let's get down to business.

[Panitov] Well, Sir Norman?

What is the name…

of that girl standing there?

-[music ends]
-[applause]

-[indistinct chattering]
-[bright music]

Do you dance?

[chuckles] Well…

We try.

-Oh, double top. Not bad, eh?
-[clock bell tinkling]

[sighs]

Time, gentlemen, please.

Finis pour ce soir.

[in French] Well, what do you know?

What a funny time to close!

[in English]
We keep English hours here, you know.

Quite right, too. Late enough for anyone.

English hours! [scoffs]

The truth of the matter is, they should
keep proper licensing hours in France,

like every other sensible country.

[sighs]

[gulps, sighs]

-Uh, one for the road, eh?
-Certainly. For you, Captain.

[gentle music]

[gentle French song playing]

[music ends]

[upbeat can-can music]

[music ends]

[applause]

[music resumes]

[music ends]

[indistinct chattering]

[romantic music]

Ooh-la-la!

You speak French?

-Oui, oui, très bon.
-Garçon!

-What is your name?
-Dicky Bird.

Bird?

Dicky Bird.

-Oh, bird!
-[chuckles] Oui, oui.

-Monsieur?
-Parlez vous.

-What will you have?
-Uh, pint of bitter, pour moi.

-Bitter?
-Pig's ear.

-Pig's ear?
-Beer!

-No beer here!
-[mocking] No beer here!

-No. Champagne.
-No?

Make you feel good.

I don't feel so bad as it is.

L'amour toujours.

Voila!

[gentle music]

Mademoiselle, voulez-vous danser?

[inaudible]

[gentle music]

[lively music]

[singing in French]

Conversely…

my dear fellow,

the graph of the counter-inflationary

price index taken, uh…

taken in conjunction

with the excess capacity constant…

must…

and I mean must,

be related, at least… [chuckles]
at least indirectly,

with the basic question of…

how many beans make five.

-Yes.
-Hmm.

Now, if that…

-You said yes.
-Yes.

Excuse me. Oh, my dear chap.

Oh, my dear chap!

[surprised gasp]

-He said yes.
-Yes.

Oh, but isn't it a lovely word?
I mean, do-don't you like saying it?

-Yes!
-[chuckles] Yes!

Fancy your even knowing it.

Now, just a moment. I…

I don't suppose that you could
also write it, could you?

-Yes.
-You could?

Well, now, that… that gives me an idea.
Excuse me.

Uh, now, let me see, uh…

[sighs] Do you want…

a full…

economic conference…

Excuse me.

…on, uh, let me see now, uh,

three… three weeks from today,
that would be, uh…

May…

23rd?

Now, let me see if you can write "yes"
underneath that.

-Yes.
-[chuckles]

Now, put your little name
underneath to prove it.

Oh, that's the boy!

Oh, now, isn't that nice?

[chuckles] Now then, uh, let me see. Uh…

Oh, dear, dear. That's very funny.

You know, I saw a fellow
do that at the Palladium once

and nothing… nothing fell at all.

Oh, uh, look here, I want to purchase
this tablecloth.

Have it sent to me
at the Hotel Napoleon forthwith.

Very well, sir.

Oh, and two more Pink, uh, thingamabobs

and champagne for the lady

and, oh, that delightful orchestra.

See that they have another…
another round of vodka.

Yes, sir! Yes, sir.

It seems to make them play
with so much more elan.

Uh, now, let me see. [chuckles]

Now, as I was saying, Panitov,

the, uh, the counter-inflationary tendency

of the price index is, uh…

-[thud]
-[chuckles]

[Norman] Oh, dear me.
Oh, tired out, no doubt.

Poor chap.

Well now, shall you and I do that nice
Caucasian gallop thing again, hmm?

I find it most stimulating. [chuckles]

[jolly music]

[gentle music]

[indistinct chattering]

-We haven't been long, have we?
-No. No, no, no, not at all.

Max, this is Steve.

Hiya, fella.

Steve is an American.

So I see.

Yeah.

I was high jump champion
at my high school.

Ah, you were.

Wonderful.

[wry chuckle]

I could jump five foot ten.

Oh!

Could you jump five foot ten?

Uh… Ah, no, no, no.

No. I didn't think you could.

[lively music]

[laughter]

Hello, mademoiselle.

Aw!

Cheer up, mon chéri.

I thought you English were very cold.

Oh, you wait till we really get warmed up.

[music ends]

-I've never met anyone like you before.
-[chuckles]

I am just like everybody.

Not that I go out with girls much.

Oh! [chuckles]

Voila!

This is where I live.

What's the address?

6 Rue Bérandiere.

-Will you write it down?
-Yes.

6 Rue Béran…

dière.

And where do we meet tomorrow?

Here, by the steps.

All right.

6 Rue Bérandiere.

Oh, that's right!

You'll soon speak good French.

If you teach me.

Well… I must go.

Because my father will be angry.

All right.

Twelve o'clock tomorrow then?

[chuckles] Don't forget.

Oh, I won't.

Well…

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

[screaming with delight]

[dog barking]

[engine stops, door clicks shut]

Combien?

[in French] Five hundred francs, sir.

[McGregor, in French] Five hundred?

[in French] Yes, sir.
Look, it says five hundred.

[tick-tocking]

[in French] There's an extra 20%,
plus a night fee. [tick-tocking]

[in English] Understand?

Merci, monsieur.
Pardon, monsieur, le pourboire.

-Huh?
-Le pourboire.

The tip. The tip.

Oh! [chuckles]

A ten-franc tip? Ten francs? [scoffing]

[scoffs] Go on!

My wallet!

[doorbell buzzes]

[yawns]

[in French] What's the matter?

-I've been robbed.
-Oh!

[in English] Robbed?

My wallet. It had all my money
and my return ticket in it.

[gasps] Oh, monsieur!

[McGregor] I've been out with a girl.

[triumphant trumpet]

Shh!

[key rattling in door]

[romantic music]

Come on, Dicky Bird. Come on.

Funny.

I feel a bit dizzy.

Do you?

Oh.

Oh.

I… I've got just the thing at my flat.
It will put you right in no time.

-Will it?
-Yes.

[in French] Coachman, Avenue Henri Martin.

[romantic music]

What would you like?

-Would you really like to know?
-Yes.

Well, I'd like a…

I'd like a nice cup of tea.

And don't say, "No, tea 'ere."

[chuckles] Oui, oui, très bien.

I will give you… tea.

Looks as though I'm gonna have
what I want at last. [chuckles]

[door clicks shut]

[light music]

[in French] Come on now,
my little pumpkin.

Now, goodnight, my darling.

[door clicks shut]

[gentle music]

Ssh! Sleep.

Don't get worried.

I'm a bit of a basket.

Often make a fool of meself,
but I ain't so bad really.

You just sleep.

[gentle music]

A little more?

No.

-No, thanks. I feel fine. [chuckles]
-I thought you would.

Can I tell you what I think?

Yes.

-You know, there is something about you.
-[hiccups]

[sighs]

Something about you
that reminds me of Spring.

[hiccups]

I've got the hiccups.

The hiccups? [gasps]

Oh, I will frighten you
and then it will go.

-[chuckles]
-All right.

Frighten me.

[lively music]

Oh, uh, wait a minute. Uh…

What, uh…?

What's this?

[frivolous music]

What's this? The French national debt?

The bill, monsieur.

-What item is that?
-The tablecloth, monsieur.

-And that?
-Breakage.

That is vodka for the band
and that is flowers for lady.

Hmm.

There seems to be a somewhat inflationary
tendency in this restaurant's budgeting.

-Now, let me see. Hmm.
-No!

Yes, uh…

Primitive economics, no doubt. Uh…

-A mere barter, but still.
-Oh no!

[waiter scoffs]

[scoffs, chuckles, snorts]

[mocking sound]

[chuckles]

[mutters]

[groans]

-[in Russian]
-[groans]

[stutters] And the tip, sir?

[chuckles]

Thank you, milord.

Goodnight, milord.

Goodnight, milord.

I think…

I think they've gone.

-[hiccups]
-[clears throat]

-Maybe you'd better come
-[sighs]

and… and lie down for a minute.

[hiccups]

-[hiccups]
-[groans]

I will get you some more water.

Here we are.

[gentle music]

[sighs]

[sighs, grunts]

[groans]

[jolly music]

[sniffing]

[clicks tongue]

[huffs]

[coughs]

If you please.

-[speaking in French]
-[hooter honks]

[speaking in French]

Madam.

Morning.

Did you sleep well?

[groans] Very well, thank you.

[grunts]

-What you need is some fresh air.
-Oh, no! Oh, no, no.

I'll tell you what. We'll go for a swim
and you'll soon feel better.

Oh, no, no, no.

-No, I… I can't swim.
-[huffs]

[traffic humming]

Pardon, monsieur.

6 Rue Bérandiere.

Rue Bérandiere?

[in French] Well, I think
it's in this neighborhood.

-Oh, Lucien!
-[in French] Yes?

Rue Bérandiere
is round the corner, isn't it?

No. I think
it's in the 14th arrondissement.

Excuse me, madame.
Do you know where Rue Bérandiere is?

[in French] Rue Bérandiere?
You mean, Rue Béranger?

Bérandiere.

No, he's asking about Rue Bérandiere.

[indistinct chattering in French]

[speaking in French]

[indistinct chattering]

[sighs]

[softly] Water.

I call on the delegate
for the United Kingdom.

[Norman] Mr. Chairman,

I have an announcement to make.

In the course of a private, uh, pourparler

with the, uh, Soviet delegate held
at a certain, uh, rendezvous last night,

I-I am pleased to inform you
that Monsieur Panitov

has agreed to a full economic conference

to take place on May the 23rd.

His Excellency was, in fact, good enough
to append his signature

to a formal… document to that effect.

Have you the document with you,
Sir Norman?

Unfortunately not, sir.

It is rather bulky, difficult to carry.

But I can assure you it is in safekeeping.

May the 23rd.

That was the date, was it not,
Monsieur Panitov?

[sighs] Yes.

Don't do that, Wilkinson!

For goodness sake,
please get me an Alka-Seltzer.

[indistinct chattering]

[lively music]

[inaudible]

[laughter and chattering, water splashing]

[inaudible]

It's wonderful!

Yes. Yes, I can see.

Oh, poor Max.

Never mind. I'll tell you what we'll do.

I'll go back to your flat
and cook you a real English lunch.

E-English lunch?

English lunch?

[gentle music]

[gasping]

[sighs]

[indistinct chattering, laughter]

[happy exclaims]

[indistinct chattering]

[music ends]

You here?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Don't you recognize me?

Oh, yes, I recognize you, all right.

But after last night…

You remember last night, yes?

Aye, I do, and I'm not likely
to forget it in a hurry either.

Well, where is it?

"Where is it"? What?

As if you didn't know. My wallet!

It had all my money in it
and my return ticket.

[shocked gasp, in French] Well, I never!

[in English] You say
I am a voleuse, a thief?

-[in French] Who do you think I am?
-Don't shout.

[in English] I will shout!

What do you take French girls for?

I was warned about French girls,
and now, I've seen them.

Seen them what?

Seen them kissing and showing their legs.

And you? How about you showing your legs?

[in French] So, did you find
Rue Bérandiere?

Yes, thank you.

[gentle music]

Oh-oh!

-[in French] A client! A client!
-[speaking in French]

[clamoring]

[man] No, I want the other one.

[indistinct chattering]

No, no.

Combien?

[indistinct whispering]

Twenty-five okay?

[indistinct whispering]

One, two, three,

-four, five, six, seven…
-[gasping]

Uh… No, butter?

[chuckles] No, of course not!
You don't use butter for cooking.

Ah.

You know, there is a charming
little restaurant just around the corner.

No. You'll enjoy this. You'll see.

[triumphant music]

[applause]

Dicky Bird!

Dicky!

Dicky Bird, hi!

Dicky!

[music ends]

[clock chiming bell-like]

Captain.

[clears throat] Pardon, Captain,
but aren't you going to miss the big race?

Oh, now you've spoilt it, Bickerstaff.

Just as I was coming
to the interesting bit.

Have you read the case
of the stuttering parson?

[inhales]

Fancy doing it that way.
It really isn't cricket, you know.

Cricket?

What is this "cricket"?

Do I hear you right, sir?

Cricket is the foundation
of the British Empire.

-Hear, hear!
-Thank you, Bickerstaff.

Until you learn to play cricket in France,
you'll never keep a government.

Do you play it with, uh,
hoops and hammers?

No, sir, you do not play it
with hoops and hammers.

You play it with bat and ball.
Allow me to demonstrate.

-Oh, butterfingers, Bickerstaff!
-[ball hopping]

[scraping]

[hesitates, stutters]
What exactly is this?

Cabbage.

Ah, cabbage. Yes, of course.
[clears throat]

-[Susan] Would you like another chop?
-Oh, no. No, no. No, thank you.

-I will.
-[chuckles]

[clears throat]

Oh, good, you've eaten it all.

[chuckles] Yes. [clears throat]

-You see, you were hungry.
-[chuckles]

Are you sure you wouldn't like some more?

No, no. No, no, no. No, thank you.
I've had quite enough…

cabbage.

-No, no, no, no!
-[clock chiming bell-like]

Play forward!

Always play forward, like that.

Bickerstaff, you're supposed to be
silly point, not square leg.

That, by the way, was a maiden over.

Now, I shall bowl again.

Straight bat.

-How's that?
-Out!

A clear case of LBW, leg before wicket.
You're out.

Vous êtes une… clot.

-Clot?
-Clot.

Yes. Now, you bowl, I'll bat.

Clot, clot? Clot?

[ball thuds]

[glass shatters]

Gone for six!

[dog barking]

Oh, dear! Time for
the tea interval now, sir.

-Very well, Bickerstaff, very well.
-Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

Now, I understand the cricket!

A very good idea
this tea interval, Bickerstaff.

[clock chiming bell-like]

Thank you.

-Closed. It's too late.
-Oh.

Oh, dear, how annoying.

You see, I'm anxious to find the gentleman
who painted the Mona Lisa.

[chuckles] He's dead.

Dead? But I saw him yesterday.

-You saw him hear?
-Yes, I even spoke to him.

-You spoke to him?
-Yes.

He's been dead 500 years.

Oh, nonsense! Why, there he is now.

[footsteps approaching]

Well, look.

Bon soir, mon ami.

-[both gasp]
-How do you do?

-How do you do? Good afternoon.
-Good afternoon.

I thought you might like
a cup of real English tea.

-That would be delightful.
-Yeah.

Thank you very much.

Then, shall we go
to the Tuileries Gardens?

Mm.

["It's a Long Way to Tipperary" playing]

What's happening down there?

Come and see.

More fresh air!

Why are they playing "Tipperary"?

Because they are unveiling
a statue to Lord Byron.

Why "Tipperary"?

[hesitates] It's an English tradition.

-Oh, I see.
-Yes.

-[gentle music]
-And now, to business.

Business?

Yes. Quite simple business really. [sighs]

You see, I've always wanted
to possess the Mona Lisa.

Now, for the first time in my life,
I can afford it.

I do hope you'll help me
to realize a lifelong ambition.

But how?

Isn't it perfectly obvious,

when an artist has a picture to sell
and there's a prospective buyer?

-You mean, you want my Mona Lisa?
-Yes.

Sad for you, isn't it?
Pictures are like children.

One grows to love them,
then they have to leave us.

Oh, but my picture is not
good enough for you.

Nonsense! It is the Mona Lisa.

[speaker, in French] Monsieur Minister.

Ladies.

Gentlemen.

Great love is silent,
but perhaps we compare…

What is he saying?

[gasps]

Great love is silent.

Is it?

[chuckles] Yes.

[speaker, in French]
The poet we are honoring today

made a poem
for his beloved out of this silence.

He says, out of this silence,
he made a poem for his beloved.

[speaker, in French]
He boldly bared his soul…

In this poem, he spoke
of her youth and freshness

and… and charm.

[gasps] He loved her from the start.

He loved her silently…

passionately.

Do you really?

Yes.

[speaker, in French] In these poems,

the poet transcends himself
to find himself.

In the name of love, I will now unveil…

In the name of love, I will now unveil…

[applause]

[French National Anthem playing]

[girl, in French] Dad, look!
Here comes the gentleman!

[man] They have found your wallet.

[laughs, in French] I found it in the cab.

It was in the cab.
On the floor. [chuckles]

-Come on. We'll have to hurry!
-Comment?

-[in French] So, what do we do now?
-Shh!

My bill.

Moi au revoir… [sighs]

Tell them I've got to see my girl.

[in French] It is about a woman.

[in French] Lovers are like the sick.
It's a sacred duty to help them.

PARIS - LONDON - SERVICE B.E.A NO. 338

-Dicky.
-Hello!

Blimey, now I've put me foot in it!
Sorry, Sergeant.

-Pick it up, you fool!
-Yes, Sergeant.

-Mademoiselle Raymonde?
-[in French] Second, left. Wait.

-Raymonde!
-Raymonde!

-[McGregor] Raymonde!
-[woman] Raymonde!

[girl] Raymonde!

Come down, quick!

-We might just do it.
-[in French] Anything for lovers!

-Come on!
-Where?

[McGregor]
No time now. Tell you on the way!

[jolly music]

[hooter honking]

[hooter honking]

[tires screeching]

But I said I'm sorry.

But you believed I could do it!
That is what hurt me so much.

[in French] Oh, he loves her so much!

[in French] Not at all.
He's a brute, a Scot…

A man.

[cheering]

Come on. We'll miss the plane.

[speaking French]

[woman in French over PA]
Your attention, please.

Passengers to London,

flight DE336 British European Airways
are requested for boarding.

-Well, Susan.
-[melancholic music]

Well, Max.

This is where we say goodbye, I suppose.

I like au revoir better.

Well then, au revoir.

It's been so wonderful.

I'll never forget it. Never.

Never? It's a long time.

Oh, hurry up! Faster! Faster!

-Vite! Vite!
-[upbeat music]

[in French] Hurry up,
he's going to miss the plane!

[in French] How can I speed up
if you never get off my back?

-[screaming]
-[tires screeching]

[in French] Watch out
for the truck, you, idiot!

You stupid woman!

[music slows down]

-[in French] Where has he gone?
-[in French] I don't know.

-For me?
-Yes.

Well…

Goodbye.

-[in French] Come on. Kiss her!
-[in French] Come on!

[in French] Love is beautiful.

Hurry, please, for the London plane.

-You will write to me, won't you?
-Yes, and you write to me too.

-Of course.
-Please, monsieur, you'll miss that plane.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

[in French] Hey.

-[in English] Money.
-Oh, pardon.

-Money.
-Combien?

[in French] Twelve thousand francs.

-[in French] Twelve thousand?
-Twelve thousand francs.

-You're insane.
-No, I'm not.

I waited for him the whole day.

Me, wait for you.
Me, wait. [in English] Taxi.

[hooter honking]

-He says he waits for you all day.
-Yes, yes, yes.

-Thank you.
-All right.

Next time, you'll come to Glasgow.

Glasgow will be more beautiful than Paris.

And cheaper.

Goodbye!

[bright music]

Andy! Andy!

[engine whirring]

[woman over PA]
BEA, British European Airways,

announce the arrival
of flight number 338 from Paris.

[muttering]

[reporter speaking indistinctly]

[photographer] Big smile,
please, Sir Norman.

[reporter] How did you do it, Sir Norman?

[sighs] By personal contact.
Always, I find, the best method.

-You look tired, Sir Norman.
-Yes, it's, uh…

It's taken a lot out of me.

A lot.

It put a great deal into me too,
of course.

I mean, new heart.

Now, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen,
I have rather a…

Just one thing, Sir Norman.

There's a rumor that you're considering
lowering the basic traveler's allowance

still further. Is that true?

If I'm considering anything at all, sir,
it is certainly not that!

-Thank you.
-[sighs] Good day.

Have a good time, sir?

My good fellow, there's no place
like Paris if you know where to go.

-Have you read this?
-No.

Well, how very interesting.

-Do you understand it?
-No.

-Have you anything to declare?
-Yes.

What's this?

She's the Mona Lisa.

-[inspector] Where did you get it?
-In the Louvre Museum.

Excuse me a moment, will you?

Is he an art lover?

[inspector] Have you anything to declare?

Have you anything to declare?

L'amour toujours.

It's quite all right, madam.
The article is not liable for duty.

-Why not?
-Well, madam, it's a fake.

A fake? My Mona Lisa?

-[Gwladys] Have you seen the original?
-No, madam.

No.

Well then, between ourselves,
this is far better than the original.

Far, far better. And the work
of such a charming man.

Thank you very much for your services.

[sniffs]

Ah, Sir Norman. Good afternoon, sir.

[chuckles] Good afternoon.

May I ask you to disclose
your cigarette case,

your lighter, your watch,
and your cufflinks, please, sir?

Well done.

Well done, young man.

That's the spirit.

And you'll also find
my silver-backed hairbrushes in the, uh…

in the suitcase.

-Yes, sir, but your--
-Well done. Well done.

Keep it up.

Keep it up.

Nice weekend, miss?

[bright music]