All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0902 - Driving Mr. Boondy

Life with the wife out of town.

Now, this is marriage.

Forgot something.

But now that things
are going so good...

...I know what's going to happen.

Dad.

Dad, I need $700.

No problem. We'll sell the house.

Of course, we'll have to come up
with 500 bucks more.

Dad, I'm serious.

My entire academic career
depends on it.

I wanna go to Oktoberfest
in Milwaukee with the fraternity.

We're gonna ogle women
and eat sausages.

Well, aside from the women and
sausages, you can do that right here.

- Dad, everybody's going.
- Everybody's not going.

I'm not going, Buck's not going
and you're not going.

I don't care what anyone says.
I'm going.

Now, son, there are other ways
of getting money without asking me.

Yeah, but Mom's not here
and I don't have a body like Kelly's.

I was talking about a job.

Job?

God, you look just like your mother
when you say that.

Have you forgotten
that I'm in college?

No, son, and I'm proud of you.

But if you want money, you should do
what a wise man once said:

"Get a job."

Okay. Fine. Fine.

But this, much like your honeymoon,
will come back to haunt you.

Now, where were we?

Hello, Peg.

- Hello, Peg.
- How'd you know it was me, Al?

I actually heard God laugh.

Honey, I have great news.

Mom has taken her first step
since her heart attack.

Did you alert Tokyo?

You know, she never liked you, Al.

That's because I'm not cream-filled.

Goodbye, Peg. Thanks for calling.

- Al.
- What?

Honey, now that Mom
is feeling better...

...she wants to try to improve her
appearance.

What about aluminium siding?

No, Al.

I wanna get her some of the nail polish
that she wants...

...but I can't remember
what shade she likes.

Chocolate?

Honey, it's in the catalog
that she sent me.

What catalog, Peg?

It's called X.X.L.L.Bean.

And I put it with the mail.

Where is the mail, Gracie?

Where it always is, Al. In the oven.

You know, Peg, I hope there's
nothing important in here.

Come on, Al, don't you know...

...if there's something important,
I'm gonna to tell you.

"Free tickets to the Chicago Bulls '91
playoff game."

"Notice: Local drinking water
contamination."

I thought you said there was
nothing important in here.

You meant for you.

- All right, I found the catalog.
- All right.

Turn to page eight.
I've circled the nail polish.

"Minimizing Red"?

Oh, that's it.

Thanks, Al.
Hey, you want me to put Mom on?

Yeah.

"Driver's license renewal notice.

Send this form in 10 days...

...and we'll automatically renew
your driver's license."

Here's a second notice.

"Send completed test within five days
or your driver's license will expire."

Gee, here's the third.

"When at a four-way stop,
who has the right of way?

A, the guy on the left,
B, the guy on the right...

...or C, the guy
not driving the Dodge?"

Let me see that. It doesn't say that.

It does say that.

All right, next question,
"When towing a trailer--"

Skip it!
They never ask trailer questions.

If it's in the book,
it could be on the test.

Test, test, test-- If it wasn't for Peg...

...I wouldn't have to take the test.

Expired driver's license.
Why can't a marriage license do that?

Ask me the next question.

- "What's your blind spot?"
- Two beers and a redhead.

Could life suck enough?

What's wrong, pumpkin?

Look what they want me to wear
on my next Verminator commercial.

It's just humiliating.
It's totally beneath me.

I don't wanna do commercials
in a bikini.

I wanna do films
where I'm totally naked...

...or at least
with that "Hey, Vern" guy.

Daddy, I'm afraid
if I keep doing this...

...people are gonna think
that I'm all body and no...

Mind?

No, I don't mind, go ahead.

I tried to talk to my boss about it...

...but all he wanted to do
was buy me more drinks.

Daddy, what should I do?

I think what Al means is...

...you have to be firm.

When my boss orders me to do
something that I don't agree with...

...I honestly say what I want
and then I threaten to quit.

Well, then
what does Mrs. D'Arcy say?

Usually, "Was that it?"

But the point is that
you are the Verminator.

You hold the cards.

You have to demand that your employer
take you seriously or else.

You're right. Thank you, Mr. D'Arcy.

- My pleasure.
- Thanks, Daddy.

- Is she gone?
- Yeah.

- And the boy's gone, right?
- Yup.

Thank God I only had sex
with Peg twice.

Well, time to take my test.

Hey, Al, aren't you gonna pack
a lunch for that long wait in line?

No, because I had the foresight
to make an appointment.

I spit on the line!

I just arrive in country.

Can I take test now?

Of course.

I just arrive in country.

Can I take test now?

I'm sorry, sir.

You have an appointment.

Al Boondy.

- That's... That's Bundy.
- Sorry.

Anyway, Mr. Boondy,
you've made it to the written test.

What language do you speak?

Speak the same language
as everybody in this country.

Oh, Spanish.

I don't speak Spanish, you idiot!
I speak American.

American?

American. American...

Here's one.

Whoa, I hope you know a lot
about towing trailers.

Congratulations, Mr. Boondy,
you've failed.

Oh, come on, this is my third time.
Can't you just pass me?

We are very serious
about who we give licenses to.

Here's your new license.

And here's yours.

And here's yours.

But all is not lost, Mr. Boondy.

There still may be a license
with your name on it...

...if you pass the driving test.

A driving test, eh?

I'll have you know, I've been driving
the mean streets of Chicago...

...for 30 years, in the same mean car
with the same mean wife.

So go ahead, give me your best shot.

Show me the moron
who dare not pass me.

Boondy? Al Boondy.

Well, congratulations, Bud.
This looks like a great place to work.

Oh, yes, Dad. You haven't lived
until you've given a driving test...

...to a 97-year-old Lithuanian woman
who quaintly brought her--

Who quaintly brought
her lucky cheese with her.

The thrill of riding the expressway
at 17 miles an hour...

...slamming on the brakes
for every single car that passes us.

But the best part was high noon
in said un-air-conditioned car...

...when both cheese
and woman ripened nicely.

Oh, yeah, Dad.

It's a great place to work.

That's good. That's good, son.

So why don't you just pass me
and I'll see you when you get home.

Oh, I could do that...

...but then I wouldn't be
doing my job now, would I?

And you know
how important a job is, don't you?

- You really gonna make me do this?
- As sure as your name is Boondy, fella.

All right, you son
of a woman from Wanker.

You wanna drive?

Let's drive.

Kelly, you sounded so upset
on the phone that we came right over.

Well, we stopped
for a sandwich first...

...and then we came right over.
What's wrong?

No, I just wanted to thank you
for all your advice.

I did what you told me to do.

I marched into my boss's office,
I said, "I am the Verminator.

I hold all the cards."

You should have seen
the look on his face...

...when he said those two words.

- "I'm sorry"?
- "You're fired."

I'm sorry.

Fired?

You dispensed job advice to her?

You who thinks
a W2 is a bingo number?

I know it's not a bingo number.

It's that stuff you spray
on squeaky hinges, right?

Well, life is certainly taking
an upward turn for me.

I'm 23 years old, I have no money
and I'm still living at home.

I'm kind of like Dad
with blond highlights.

Do you realize that I have classmates
getting alimony from two ex-husbands?

Kelly, I respect the fact
that you really wanna work...

...unlike deadwood over here.

Perhaps we can find something
at the bank to tide you over.

Yeah, but I don't know
anything about high finance.

I'll get to use my mind, right?
I won't be a showpiece.

Trust me, Kelly.

As a feminist and a leader
in the financial community...

...I promise
you will not be window-dressing.

Son, you know we've been driving
for about three hours now.

Don't you think
we ought to head back soon?

Five points off for complaining.

How much do you mark down
for crushing in your face?

Look, Mr. Boondy, this is my job...

...and I am merely being a professional
civil servant and I've taken an oath.

Hooters! Hooters! Stop the car!
Pull over! Pull over!

I'm Heidi and I'm from Bavaria.

Could you direct me
to the Oktoberfest in Milwaukee?

Oh, yeah, this could happen.

Get in, Heidi.

We just happen to be going that way.

By the way, Dad,
I'm taking off five more points.

You should never
pick up hitchhikers.

Now, look, son. I didn't say anything
when you told me...

...to cut off that motorcycle gang
or told that lady cop...

...to put them on the glass.

But there's no way, no how,
I'm taking you...

...and your Wiener schnitzel over there
to the Oktoberfest in Milwaukee.

I had the best time. How about you?

Oh, mein Schatzi, I do so appreciate
you and your chauffeur...

...taking me to the Oktoberfest.

How can I ever repay you?

Oh, that's right, baby...

...pretend like my pants are France
and invade me.

There's a five-point deduction
for that.

Hey, nice assets.

Oh, good one, sir.

That's even funnier
the 100th time I've heard it.

- How's it going, Kelly?
- Fine.

Great location for a bank.

Right next to a bar.

Well, that's how we got
the Kennedy account.

Yeah, but I feel like some cheap slut.

Well, that's how we're hoping
to get the Clinton account.

Besides, we all
have to start somewhere.

Yeah, where did you start?

Well, I'm different.

I'm a college graduate with a double
major in business and economics.

Hey, D'Arcy, time for my back rub.

Coming.

Excuse. Miss.

No, you can't check out my assets.

No, you can't see
my prime interest rate...

...and yes, there is a severe penalty
for early withdrawal.

My name Achmed.

I'm in big hurry
and car is still running. Here is note.

You must bring me this much money.

Right away, Mr. Med.
Or can I call you Ach?

Why don't you wait over there
and I'll get someone to help you.

A thousand thank you very muches.

- Now hurry, please!
- Okay.

Mrs. D'Arcy, I think
that man's gonna rob the bank.

He gave me this note.
Says he wants $50,000.

Now, let me handle this.

It's a very complicated procedure...

...requiring months
of intense robbery prevention training.

Bank robber! Bank robber! Help!

Get him! Get him!

I may even get a promotion
out of this.

What seems to be the trouble?

Just another robbery attempt
I was able to thwart, sir.

Well, good, because the son
of our largest depositor...

...is on his way in.

Now, his name
is Sheik Achmed Heb Abib.

He'll be making
a $50,000 withdrawal.

Please, don't hurt me.
Please, don't hurt me.

So I trust you'll give him
the VIP treatment.

I want him to remember
his banking experience here.

Oh, yes, sir, I'm sure he will.

Well, let's see how you did.

Apter score, 98, 99... Wait a second.

That's my score.

We had a good time. Well--

You had a good time,
mine pretty much blew chunks, but...

I'd like to remind you,
while you're figuring out my score...

...that if I don't get my driver's
license that means I can't drive.

If I can't drive
that means I can't go to work.

If I can't go to work
that means I'll have to stay home...

...and I'll be home all the time.

Day and night.

When you bring your dates over...

...I will be in my underwear.

You know the underwear,
don't you, son?

Not the ones that read:

"If you lived here,
you'd be home now"?

And I'll be clipping my toenails
and eating Cheez Whiz out of the can.

Now, let me ask you, son.

How did I do?

- You passed.
- Oh, goody.

Thanks, son.
And you did a nice job too.

Of course, you have a nice job.

Well, anybody would
compared to me.

Is there anybody
with a worse job than mine?