All language subtitles for Casanova 70 - Mario Monicelli 1965.eng

ALL THE CHARACTERS AND EVENTS
IN THIS FILM ARE FICTITIOUS

ANY SIMILARITY TO ACTUAL EVENTS
OR PEOPLE IS COINCIDENTAL

- Sir.
- How much is it?

600 francs.

Thank you.

- Let's go.
- Why?

- Sorry, but Noelle is a bit tired.
- What? Me?

- But I'll see you tomorrow. Good night.
- See you tomorrow.

I'm tired.

This improvement course
for NATO officials is really hard.

You do nothing all day.

That's what you think.
We don't do anything, it's true.

In fact it's three in the morning and
I have to go straight to headquarters.

- At three in the morning?
- Yes, dear.

We're on the alert over Yemen.

The northern guerrillas
set fire to a village in the south.

- You're being a fireman?
- That provincial wit of yours.

It's my mistake telling you things
you can't understand.

Good night, dear. Sleep well.

Don't forget to set your alarm for ten
because the plane leaves at 12:45.

NATO headquarters, Versailles.

- Stop here.
- Here?

Didn't you say NATO headquarters?

- Yes, but I changed my mind. How much?
- 15.

Thank you.

Who's there?

Who's there?

Look out, I've got a gun. Who's there?

No, it's me, darling. It's Andrea.

- Are you crazy?
- My darling.

Don't you know that you nearly
killed me? I love it! It's so beautiful!

- What do you mean, beautiful?
- Darling...

You're shaking all over. You were scared.
I was scared too, so scared.

- But I love it, I love it.
- I've had enough of these jokes.

Why, precious?
We have fun. It's beautiful.

You know that...

Major! What's going on?
Who shot you?

- Major!
- It's the concierge.

Open up. Police.

A shot was fired by accident.
It's easy to say.

But we can't just issue a warning, Major.

Could I speak to you man-to-man?

I'm used to this kind of proposition.
Talk to me.

Well, I'd like to appeal
to your experience as a man

and above all as a Frenchman,
Superintendent.

The person in question has a very
passionate and jealous temperament.

What are you telling him?

We're trying to get you
out of this mess, darling. Keep calm.

As I was saying,
she has a very fiery temperament.

- She's from the south.
- Your wife's Italian?

Corsican.

She's not my wife.
Partly because of this, you see.

I've been meaning to marry her
for three years.

There was another scene. She picked up
my gun but nothing happened.

I think she only did it to frighten me.

On the other hand,
jealousy is a guarantee of love.

- Would you like a lozenge?
- Thanks.

There you are.

- You have great understanding.
- Thank you.

This time we'll turn a blind eye, madam.

But I must tell you
to consider yourself cautioned.

- Cautioned?
- Yes.

And try to control your rash actions.
In fact, leave them in Corsica.

- A bit of goodwill, madam...
- My rash actions?

Just a bit of goodwill, madam.

He's been very kind.
I'll explain everything.

Come on. I said sorry.
I made a mistake. I won't do it again.

It's funny. The superintendent believed
that you're a passionate woman.

I thought you liked my joke last night.

Joke? Like that time when you drove
a kilometre on the wrong side of the road.

I'd just come from England
and I was used to driving on the left.

- They're little love games.
- Games? They're serious.

Without those little games
you're no good at anything.

You're worse than a wife.

Get yourself seen to,
you ugly impotent man.

- What?
- Impotent.

DR FRANCESCO CAPASSO
PROFESSOR AT NAPLES UNIVERSITY

PSYCHOANALYST'S SURGERY

Thank you.

Professor,
I'm in a very embarrassing situation.

You're impotent?

Can you tell?

No, but it's quite a normal condition.

- Should I lie down?
- If you prefer.

I thought you had to.

Not in the first session, but if it makes you
feel more at ease, go ahead.

- Yes, I'd rather.
- Make yourself comfortable.

There.

Have you noticed that drawing?
It looks like a spider.

- You think it looks like a spider?
- Why? Does it have a meaning?

- Of course, but go on.
- What's the meaning?

- It's too early.
- All right, but good or bad?

I'm telling you it's too early. Go on.

Now try to explain clearly to me
how you formed your conviction.

The first signs were the words
of an ex-girlfriend from Paris.

She was upset because I'd left her.

I wanted to disprove her and prove to myself
that everything was working.

The opportunity arose
on the flight back.

Ladies and gentlemen, please
fasten your safety belts. Thank you.

Sir. Please.

Excuse me, madam.
I've got a problem with this arm.

Could you help me? Thank you.

No, stay a little bit longer.
Landing, you know...

- Are you afraid?
- You're never afraid?

Yes, sometimes.

Will you let me hold your hand?
We can help each other be brave.

Where will you be tonight?

In Naples between Flights 319 and 420.

In Cairo between Flights 58 and...

What are you going to do in Naples?

- I don't know.
- I know.

I've only got two hours and 45 minutes.

I'll make it last a century.

It's an ordinary place but how could anybody
say it's not a wonderful view?

You'll see what a sunset really is, darling.
Such an enchanting sight.

I won't see the sunset.
The plane will already have left.

Of course. How stupid of me.

What number do I call
to find out the exact time?

The exact time? 16.

Can you pass me my watch, please?
It's in my handbag.

Of course.

Who knows if it'll be the exact time
here in Naples? Thank you.

I think it will be.

91 minutes have passed already.

Company issue.

We've got an hour and 13 minutes left.

Come on. Quick.

Yes. Come on. Sorry.

Beautiful.

I'll get the porter to call me as well,
to be on the safe side.

Reception? Can you call Room 419
in 38 minutes' time? Thank you.

Andrea, it's 3:53pm. Hurry up.

Here I am.

Let's order some champagne.
Aren't you thirsty? Would you like some?

Champagne at this time of day?
It's almost time for tea.

Let's not, then.

You're as light as a feather.

Oops-a-daisy.

It's like unwrapping a fine chocolate.

Excuse me, darling, but how long is it?

- Eight feet and nine inches.
- Right.

Beautiful,

divine,

stupendous,

fantastic creature of the Orient.

How do you say "love" in your country?

It sounds like a Chinese minister.

What on earth...
You can't get five minutes' peace here.

I'll go and see what they want.

- You rang...
- A telegram for me?

Thank you, you're very kind.
This is for you.

But...

A telegram for me? What's happened?

"Grandpa died suddenly. Stop.

"Join us immediately, Dad. Stop."

My grandfather.

He's dead.

He was 87.

It was to be expected.

87 years are 87 years.

But it's strange.
I'd never have thought that I'd lose him.

- Is your grandfather alive or dead?
- My grandfather's in excellent health.

- Excellent health?
- Yes. You didn't understand.

- You killed him cynically.
- No, it was all...

Carry on.

I want to weep for you, Grandpa,
but I'm a man and I can't.

It's true, darling.
A man must be a man.

Definitely. A man must be a man.

But... I am a man.

Bye.

Oh, my goodness.
I've made a real fool of myself.

A real fool of myself.
Oh, my goodness.

I've made a real fool of myself.

- Sir...
- Come in, sweetheart.

Don't be afraid. Come in.

I called you
because I wanted to say sorry.

I'm sorry.

I had to get rid
of that boring woman somehow.

Yes, sir.

Wait. Thank goodness she's gone.

And you?

What about me?

What are you doing this evening?

Don't you want to tell me?

Of course you want to tell me.
Are you embarrassed?

- I finish at eight.
- Yeah?

And you're free until when?

Until eight tomorrow evening.

Let's hold each other like this,
heart and soul

Never leave each other again,
not even for an hour

This desire for you scares me

To live with you, only with you,
so I won't die

Why do we say...

I sing love

Do you understand or not?

I sang all night long

Both my classical
and my modern repertoire. Even Catarì.

I made up lots of the lyrics
because I'm not a singer.

The girl fell asleep just before dawn.

Without making a sound I pulled the boat
to the shore and escaped.

When that woman said that in Paris...
I think it's about suggestion.

Stop. Leave the diagnosis to me,
my friend.

Yes.

- Water.
- Fire.

- White.
- Black.

Tree.

You have to reply immediately,
otherwise the test is pointless.

- Pepper.
- Pipe. Pap.

No, sorry, that's not it.
My head's all over the place.

Tell me what's happening
and if there's a cure.

I can't sleep, I've lost weight.
72 kilos.

Calm down. It was salt.

- What does this make you think of?
- It's a spider.

- Again?
- Why, isn't that right?

- You always think of spiders.
- Sorry, but you drew a spider.

- OK, that's enough.
- Listen...

No, don't worry. The test is finished.

- We'll sum things up later.
- Later?

Can't you give me some idea?

- Recurring dreams?
- Recurring dreams.

Lie down. Stay lying down.

- Do you have the same dreams?
- Yes.

I often dream about being a trapeze artist
like the ones in the circus.

I jump from one trapeze to another
and often fall down.

- It's natural.
- Natural? What does it mean?

- Silence.
- Grave.

I said "silence" to you.
Have the courtesy to be quiet.

Lie down. Stay lying down.

- Shall we talk about women?
- If you like.

Well, then, talk about them.

I've always liked women, Professor.

I've always been a more-than-normal man.

- I could give you an example.
- Go on.

When I was a boy
I used to walk on stilts...

- I said women.
- Exactly.

Once I made myself a pair

so that I could watch the cobbler's wife,
whom I fancied like mad.

In small towns the bedrooms are
usually on the first floor, and so...

I could tell you
about lots more occasions like this one.

Professor?

Professor?

Professor! Tell me honestly
what you think about me.

I'm a soldier
and nothing can frighten me.

What's happening?
What are you doing?

Over there.
Look carefully in front of you.

Bisons fight each other, often until
one of them dies, over a female.

The most terrifying living being,
the praying mantis.

During intercourse
the female eats the male.

The male knows he will be eaten
but he doesn't try to escape his fate.

Indeed, he holds back so that
the climax of his amorous ecstasy

coincides precisely with his death.

Professor, can we turn the light on?

You have certainly told me
some disturbing things,

but I want to know about my condition...

- Don't worry.
- I'm not worried.

But I am protesting. Can't you believe
that I've always been a normal man?

Professor, I'm desperate.

Can't you put something hard and cold
on my temple and press your finger...

Stop.

Instead of the word "revolver"
you used a complicated phrase.

- Really?
- Yes.

Professor, tell me what all these spiders,
bisons and mantises mean.

OK, I'll explain.

In nature, love is reached
through risk and conquest.

It's evident
in all your amorous adventures

that in order to conquer a woman
and love her

you have always needed
the stimulus of danger.

Isn't that the case?

Now that you mention it,
that may really be the case.

Behave.

Keep still. Keep still.

Beautiful, Frieda.

This way, ladies and gentlemen.

Here's the bedroom,
the last room in the private apartments.

It's better like this.

Wait.

It's better like this, Frieda.

...a unique example of inestimable worth,

second only
to the great bed of Versailles.

From a historical point of view too,
it is a very important antique

because it is found
in the archives of the palace...

There. What do you say, Professor?
Is there hope?

No.

No, you're not impotent.

There. That's the best news I've had
in my whole life. Thank you...

I don't know if it's that good.

- Do you have relatives?
- Yes, I have a sister.

But I don't want to go and talk to her
about these things. It's not right.

What is it that's so serious, Professor?

You are victim
to serious sexual degeneration.

- Me?
- It gets worse day by day.

Without the stimulus of danger
you no longer have any libido.

- I no longer have any...
- Libido.

Lustful desire, amorous stimulus.

The necessity to make love in dangerous
situations will become more pressing.

The primordial demon will enthral you

and the women who come to you
will risk their lives.

You are in serious danger too.

You could end up in jail
or even a psychiatric prison.

My goodness.

I'm sorry to be so explicit,

but I'm not in the habit
of deluding patients.

Can't anything be done, then?

Yes, of course.
First and foremost, give up women.

Look only for other kinds of pleasure
from a woman.

Exclusively platonic
and spiritual kinds.

Like the chaste marriage
of St Pamacchio and St Paulina.

Who?

- Are you Catholic?
- Yes, like everybody else.

Well, you can always hope for a miracle.

And I don't rule out that over time

a normal, acceptable desire
will come back to arouse your senses.

But the other bestial desire,
don't ever follow it.

You are a man, not a bison.

Learn to analyse your feelings
and keep your senses under control.

Speaking of which, keep a secret diary
and write in it every day.

Then come and see me
and we'll have another chat.

Come on, don't be disheartened.

If you knew how many cases I deal with.

Everybody has a weakness, a vice,
a degenerative tendency.

I too have a weakness.

A passion for black fishnet stockings.

Come on, Professor, everybody likes
girls in black fishnet stockings. I do too.

I'm the one
who wears fishnet stockings.

Well, I'll say goodbye, Professor.

March 23. I've been in Cervinia
for a week, at Pensione Bellevue.

I got time off work
because of nervous exhaustion.

I hope to find a new balance
and spiritual interests.

The demon will not have me.

March 26.
Today I met a supernatural being.

Name, Gigliola.
Young upper-class lady from Puglia.

Face, an opal.

Eyes, two grapes.

Body, well made.

Only child. Wanted to become a nun.

Her wishes were impeded by her parents
who didn't want to lose her.

The girl respects her parents' wishes

but has taken a vow of chastity
and dresses in white.

Her father,
solicitor in Altamura, near Bari.

Uncle Monsignor, a glutton.

Her mother, well-mannered.

March 29.

Today, a family excursion.

March 31. Alone in the woods at last.

Gigliola talks to me about her vow.

I told her
that I'm about to take one too.

Spoke about spiritual horizons.

Works quoted: Goethe, Elective Affinities,

The Life Of St Pamacchio and St Paulina.

April 4. Today we go skating.

Even Uncle Monsignor got some exercise.

April 6. Festival of St Rosamund
of the Snow this evening.

Revealed my feelings to Gigliola.

Told her she is indispensable to me.
Proposed marriage.

Her unexpected swoon.

Returned her to her family,

to whom I revealed
my feelings for Gigliola

and my admiration
for Puglia and its people.

April 8. I feel calm, serene.

The Royal Circus has arrived.
Bought tickets for everybody.

They scared him.

He's very good.

Greetings, friends.

Pedro.

Bravo!

Here's Trude, our intrepid lion tamer.

Go to your place. Up you go.

Come on. Come on.

Up! Up you go!

Good boy, Sultan.

Up! Up you go!

Good boy, Simba.

Good boy. Come on.

A round of applause for Trude.

Your attention, please.

If there's a brave young man
in the audience

who would like give Trude
a kiss on the cheek,

he can do it, but he must come
into the lions' cage.

Isn't anybody
going to accept the invitation?

Doesn't anybody
want to feel this thrill?

Come on! Be brave, boys!

Trude's here waiting.

Come on! Don't be afraid!

Nobody?

Ah, here's somebody.
Very good, young man. Come on in.

Open up the cage.

There, that's right.

What's he doing now?

Come on, young man. Don't be afraid.

That's good.

Stay there.

Outrageous behaviour.

April 9.

Fled like a thief in the night
without saying goodbye.

Professor's prediction came true.

Demon unleashed within me.

I must resist... But why?

Decide to cross the Rubicon at once.

General's wife my first target.

No. That's enough.

Aren't you on duty at seven?

They can wait.

- Dolly!
- My husband.

He went to Ischia to have a mud bath.

- Maybe somebody told him.
- No. Who?

- Dolly, where are you?
- One minute.

- Who could have told him?
- I don't know. Only a madman.

- A madman?
- What are you doing, Dolly?

- Hurry up.
- Yes, OK. God, this is so exciting.

Open the door.

Dolly!

- How are you, Dolly? What happened?
- Nothing, darling. I've had a shower.

I was in the bathroom.
What happened to you? I'm fine.

Thank goodness. What's this telegram?

Telegram?

No, Lester, wait.

Nothing.

"I feel really ill. Come back at once.
Kisses, Dolly."

- You sent it, didn't you?
- No. I don't understand.

Maybe it's a joke.
Or somebody got the address wrong.

Maybe. Nothing works
in this damn country. It's disgusting.

May 20. General sent me to Sicily
with a morbid task,

to pick up the corpse
of an old Turkish colonel

who died from sunstroke
while on manoeuvres in the Bosphorus.

Quick march.

Stop! Halt!

There they are.

Keep moving!

Come on!

Fall in, quickly. Lay the wreath down.

Present arms.

Excuse me, Major,
but you've got the wrong coffin.

- Is it possible?
- Yes.

The Colonel's, which I had the honour
to escort, is over there. Can you see?

- So who's this?
- I wouldn't know. A civilian.

Pick up the wreath.

Quick march with the wreath.

Present arms.

Left turn.

Quick march.

Can I do anything for you, madam?

Please help me, sir.

Time is pressing
and I have to keep going.

Major Rossi-Colombotti,
liaison officer, Third NATO District.

You were at the airport just now.

Yes, I was. I was bidding a final farewell
to somebody very dear to me.

Excuse me, madam,
are you Swedish, Dutch...

Slavic. But this is my country now.

Right. Your Italian is...
I don't know how to say it...

Bad accent? My teacher always
used to say that it was excellent.

Indeed.

I was always in demand
for Italian repertoires.

- Opera singer?
- Once upon a time.

Now I get it.

You speak a very refined Italian,
like an opera libretto.

It's a very charming way of speaking.

- Do you live in Catania?
- No, in Vicenza.

We're guests here in the manor house
of the Princes Silicastros di To.

"We?"

Please drive faster. Put your foot down.

Aren't you afraid on these roads?

- I'm used to it.
- To speed?

To fear.

Who was the person who was dear to you?

My brother.

Heavens! Why are you stopping?

The truth is
that I'm not moving from here.

- You're not a gentleman.
- All right.

Very well, then.
He was the man that I loved.

I'm sorry.

How did he die?

A fatal hunting accident.

A gun went off in his hands.

How's that possible?
To go off just like that, for no reason?

Please.

Turn right.

There's the manor house.

- Stop outside.
- Yes.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Listen, madam...
At least give me a kiss.

Leave me alone.

My husband!

I pray to God that he hasn't noticed us.

Is he that jealous?

The gun that killed my lover
was given to him by my husband.

He blocked the barrel!

Maybe. Look at the risk he had to take.

Goodbye forever.

- No. When can we see each other again?
- Never.

There's a track about a hundred metres
from Capo d'Orlando.

At the end of the track, on the left,
there's a trattoria.

I'll wait for you there tomorrow at two.
It's a very quiet place.

- I can't come.
- You can.

- You'll come.
- No.

She didn't come.
And it wasn't a quiet place.

Is anybody there?

Who is it?

- I'd like to eat. I'm on my own.
- What?

- I don't know. Something light.
- Light?

Yes, something light.

Get him!

Peppino, get a move on! Peppino!

- Get hold of him.
- Leave me alone!

I'm not going to marry her because
she's not a virgin. Leave me alone.

You're not going to take me
to the church.

That's enough!

Here you go.

Let me go!

Come on. Let's take her home.

You lot pick her up.

You've made her faint.

Careful with her head.

Stop meddling and shut your mouth.

Put her on the chair.

A glass of water, quickly.

Drink.

Let's go.

Nicola, go to the hospital.

If you can't find the doctor in charge,
look for his assistant or Dr Basilicò.

Hurry up.

What's going on?

Open up. I'm a doctor.

- You're a doctor from the mainland?
- Yes.

She's wounded. You hit her. I saw you.

Doctor, you have to understand,
she doesn't want to marry Totino.

That's not true. I don't want her
any more because she's not a virgin.

He's a doctor from the mainland.

You have to understand.

Coward! I don't want him! He's
insulted me. I'm going to kill myself.

Make way. Excuse me.

- Doctor, we want to know.
- You will know.

Get out of the way.

I don't want to. I don't want to.

Outside. Come on. Everybody outside.

Quickly.

No, don't be afraid. I'm a friend.

No, they're all cowards.

No, don't cry. Don't cry, Addolorata.

You'll see that one day all Sicilian
women will be freed from slavery...

from slavery... from the laws.

We'll be the new Thousand
when we set you free.

My car's outside. Quick,
I'll take you away. I'll save you.

Do you have relatives in town?
No, forget relatives.

- I'll take you to a convent with nuns.
- Nuns?

Yes. I'll come to visit you.
I'll see to everything.

You're right not to want to marry that man
who doesn't believe you're pure.

He doesn't deserve you.

You're so pretty.

Who knows, one day you and I...

Let's escape and you'll see that the truth
will come out sooner or later.

If the truth comes out, I'm done for.
They'll kill me.

But you're a virgin, aren't you?

- I was.
- You were?

Then a travelling salesman
from Piedmont,

blond and handsome, had me.

- His name was Renato.
- Renato.

It was love. I loved him.

Then there was the carabiniere
I was with last year,

whose name was Costantino...

Costantino the carabiniere.
Who else was there?

Well, there was Carlo,
a petty officer from Bari.

Carlo the petty officer from Bari.

- Pietro the driver.
- Pietro the driver.

- My cousin Luigi from Navarro.
- Cousin Luigi from Navarro.

- Frustone...
- Frustone too!

- Then there was Antonio Verdesame.
- What are you...

And that's it.

But I always did it for love, Doctor.
Believe me.

Don't look at me with that serious face,
Doctor.

You mustn't betray me. You've
got to help me or they'll kill me.

Yes. I understand. Yes.

I'll help you, yes.

- You're a good man, Doctor.
- A good man.

It'll stay our secret, I swear.

You're so kind, you mainland people.

It's stuck!

Kind, generous,
handsome, really handsome.

You're all cherubs, archangels.

Yeah? Archangels?
My love! Archangels! My love!

- It's taking a long time.
- He's a conscientious doctor.

How can you do that?

Here's Dr Basilicò.

I kiss your hand, Doctor.

A colleague of yours is here already.

I'll do things properly
and wait until my colleague's finished.

Doctor, you're here for a consultation
so let's get on with it.

If you think that's the case.

Doctor.

Doctor!

Well?

- Virgin.
- May God reward you.

So what's wrong with her?

You may wish to speak to your colleague,
Dr Basilicò.

- Jesus!
- Goodbye.

- Let's get him!
- What the hell's going on?

Quick!

Come back!

Hurry up, Salvatore.
Follow him on your motorbike.

What are you doing?

Quick!

Come on!

- Wait!
- You scoundrel!

Stop or I'll kill you.

Go on, go on!

Turn right. Go across the field.

- Let's take a short cut.
- Go on, faster!

Idiot!

ROAD UP
DANGER

Damn!

Justice has been done.

Hire car lost and paid for.

Multiple ecchymosis, lacerations,

sprained ankle,
massive haematoma in right buttock,

heart in a state, mortal danger.

Professor's prediction
came true once more.

In the moment of danger
I vowed to keep on fighting

and escape from the demon.

There's only one way.

Who is it at this time of night?

- Monsignor.
- Who is it?

- Monsignor, it's me.
- Andrea, you've come back.

- Yes, I've come back.
- You've come back.

Yes, I've come back.

Andrea, hold me tight.
You're shaking. You're emotional.

No, your umbrella's
dripping down my neck.

I'm sorry. Let's go, Andrea, come on.

- You've come back.
- Yes, I've come back.

- Michelantonio! Rosina!
- Who is it at this time of night?

Who's here?

He's come back.
The prodigal son has come back.

Welcome him because,
as the Bible says,

we mustn't shame the man
who has changed his bad ways.

Remember that we are all guilty.

Welcome him
because he has come back to us.

Welcome him! Welcome him!

- OK, but come up.
- Quickly, or you'll catch your death.

- I've come back.
- Andrea!

- Forgive me.
- You've come back.

- Thank you.
- How wonderful!

- You've always been good to me.
- No, no.

- Yes, it's true.
- How are you?

- I've come back.
- You seem a bit run down.

- Yes, but now...
- A little bit.

Gigliola.

Gigliola!

Come forward a bit more, darling,
towards the left.

That's it. Up there.

Don't move.

Come here, children.

There, Giuseppina.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Reunited under the willow trees,
happy and ecstatic,

let's drink from our holy chalices.

Long live the happy couple!

Monsignor,
there aren't any willow trees here.

Poetic licence.

What willow trees? Weeping willows?

We all want to be happy here.

Chalices are good, though,
to toast these two lovebirds.

Long live the lovebirds!

Come in.

- Gigliola.
- I need to talk to you.

What's happened?

You don't seem happy.

What do you mean, my dove?

What makes you think this?

Because I'm not happy either.

We're not those perfect creatures
that we thought we were.

No?

You're an exuberant man,
full of desires.

Other women will surrender to you
like I did.

And I'll lose you forever.

No. No, my dear Gigliola.

If you stay by my side, close to me,
I'll manage.

I can't help you
because I'm tempted too.

- Really?
- I talked to Uncle Monsignor about it.

He said that it's an acceptable desire,

but he's never believed in
our intentions to remain chaste.

Well, we'll make him believe in them.

No. Come to my bedroom.

When? Where? Now?

Andrea, we've lost our battle.

We may as well surrender at once.

I'll be waiting for you at midnight.
Will you come?

Yes. Of course,
my love, my love, my love.

My love, my love,
my love, my love, my love.

Tell me how to avoid being seen.

Shall I come in through the window,
climb up the wall?

You're on the third floor.

I'll use the gardener's ladder.
Put some oil on the hinges.

No. No.
You've got a fireplace in your room.

I'll come down the chimney.

Tell me how to get up on the roof, darling.

I'll go along the gutter or along
the eaves. That's better, isn't it?

It's better if you come in
through the door, from the corridor.

- But Uncle Monsignor...
- He's away, giving the last rites.

And my mother knows about it.

Your mother knows about it?

Yes, I felt I had to tell her
out of a sense of loyalty.

She's more than a mother,
she's a friend.

Your mother...

It was difficult at first
to get her consent but she gave in.

Your mother...

And she knows
that we'll be married soon.

She'll break it to my father tactfully.

- She's been so modern...
- Your mother...

She even put a big bouquet of flowers
in my bedroom.

Do you love me?

Of course.

If I think about it, my dear Gigliola,
I don't want to disrespect you.

Disrespect me.

My darling Gigliola, the poet said,

"An unplucked flower
is loved by nobody."

I love you
and yet I'm not going to pluck you.

Your offer is too generous.
I don't deserve it.

If I ever want to lose my way,
it won't be by dishonouring you.

And I really think I will lose my way.

So forget me, if you can.
Forgive me.

But it's all superstition.

You're stuck in the Middle Ages
and deny the evidence.

The facts are irrefutable.
You all know that.

He underestimated the danger and went
to bed with this deadly pedicurist woman.

- What is it?
- One coffee.

He became paralysed.

Onorata's brother jumped into bed
with her. Well, his house caught fire.

Of course. And the station master
who broke his arm.

That accountant from Cerignola died.

That's right.
And that other guy in the car crash.

Another one was in a bomb blast.

He said Santina only gave him one kiss.

And you say it's all superstition.
Do me a favour, you go and see her.

Everyone's been affected.

Everyone. No doubt about it,
Santina is a jinx.

Believe me, she brings bad luck.

You're right. She really is evil.

I would rather sleep with a man
than do it with her.

Excuse me, where does
this pedicurist Santina work?

PEDICURIST

- Santina?
- Yes?

A pedicure?

It's really pretty here.

Original, very nicely done.

Can I sit down? Thank you.

Perhaps this is the consulting room...

But I don't see a bed.

Ingenious.

- Are you a stranger here?
- Yes.

Where are you from?

Santina, do you want to kill him too?

Ugly sons of beasts!

Get away from here, you filthy pigs!

Cuckolds! Wretches!

Poofs!

Go and find your sisters.

Go away! Go away!

- Scoundrels!
- Here.

Cuckolds!

Excuse me, Santina.
Let them go away, please.

I'm really sorry, but they're riffraff
that I had to deal with in the past.

I know what they say about you.

- You know?
- Yes.

- You know and you came regardless?
- Yes.

Beautiful stranger. You're a real man,
not like those cowards.

You came regardless,
like St Nicholas the Saviour.

And you've even got a silk shirt.

Look at him.

He's not afraid of your lies.

He'll make you see
how wicked you've been.

I jinx you, you filthy creatures.

It's not a good idea, Santina...

- Come on. I'll make you happy.
- Yes.

Gently. Oh, God. Gently.

Does it show much?

No.

I wanted to iron it for you

but as soon as I touched it with
the iron it burned, like in a comic.

It must be really fine silk. I'm sorry.

It doesn't matter, darling.
It doesn't matter.

- Would you like a coffee?
- Yes, thank you.

You're so clever, sweetheart.

- Are you happy?
- Very much so.

Before they started saying
that I bring bad luck,

at least five thousand people
had gone to bed with me

and they were all satisfied, all happy.

If ten or so died or were injured,
I think it's a fair rate, don't you?

It's not many at all.

And so I ask myself,
what do these wretched people want?

They've made me starve.

Because they're cowards, they're mean.

Sorry, speaking of which...

- This...
- No, no. I can't accept it.

- No.
- Please.

You've already given me so much.
A magnificent present.

- What's the matter?
- Someone that I don't want to meet.

- Is there another way out?
- Yes, over the roofs. It's easy.

- Behind those roofs there's an alley.
- Simple.

Bye, Santina. What they say about you
is absurd. Nobody should believe it.

Goodbye.

- All the best.
- Thank you.

Mind you don't slip.

Help!

He's alive!

He's ruined me! He's ruined me!

That's that.

20 days after my ill-omened escape
from Altamura

I was involved in NATO manoeuvres
near Vicenza.

What are you doing?

The engine's stalled, Major.
I'll have a look.

- I order you to start it again.
- I'll try, Major.

You're making me look like a fool
in front of the General Staff.

- The spark plugs are wet.
- Start it somehow.

- Consider yourself locked up.
- I knew it.

It's you.

General, a message
from Blue Fox Command.

Your division has been exposed
too much in Zone 5A

and must unfortunately
consider itself annihilated.

And what's worse, your General Staff
has been taken prisoner,

including you, General.

Defeated. Damnation.

- The enemy used lasers.
- What?

Death rays.

Manoeuvres over, General Staff
attend concert in their honour.

Darling. Sweetheart. How are you?

- Were we this familiar before?
- We can be even more familiar.

I knew I'd find you.
I need to talk to you.

Watch out. He's coming.
Three minutes have already gone by.

Come to the auction tomorrow.

Does he even check up on you
when you go...

All the time.

TOILET

2,700,000 lire. Sold.

Allow me, sir, to congratulate you
on behalf of the house.

You have won a thrilling contest
and acquired an exceptional piece.

Now let's move on
to number 412 in the catalogue,

one of the most valuable pieces
in the collection.

A rare piece, dating back
to the 12th or 13th century.

It is an example of Annamese art

which, until the end
of the 19th century in Asia,

was under the influence
of the great Chinese ceramic tradition.

There are very few examples of this
in the world.

This one here was taken
from the Temple of Tamarida

by Admiral Ottavio Padoan in 1886,

when he was consul.

You're crazy. You want to ruin me.

He's as deaf as a post.
He can only understand by reading lips.

How come he goes to concerts
if he's deaf?

He never leaves me.

...Java in the 18th century.

It consists of a stoneware dog,
half-glazed at great heat,

an excellent example
of Annamese ceramics.

Count, you are very fond
of this type of art.

What do you think of this piece?

He asked what you think of it.

It's marvellous, but I'm
certainly not going to tell him that.

200,000. Thank you very much, Count.

First bid, 200,000.

- 300,000.
- 300,000. The gentleman bids 300,000.

- 300,000.
- Go up to a million.

- 400,000.
- We have a bid of 400,000.

500,000.

- I don't even know your name.
- Thelma. T-H.

600,000.

Where, when can we see each other?
300,000!

Sorry, sir,
but you've already been outbid.

We're on 700,000.

- Any advances?
- Sorry.

- 800,000.
- 800,000.

- 900.
- 900,000.

I need to see you alone. Soon. At once.

This man that I hate
makes it impossible.

I'll free you, Thelma. I'll free you
from the monster. My name's Andrea.

1,200,000? 1,300,000? Sold.

- The gentleman has got a good bargain.
- What's happened?

- What did he bid?
- One million.

At ease.

What are you doing?
Are you mad?

What...

- It's for the moths.
- Couldn't you use DDT?

No, the bullets make it look moth-eaten.

That way it becomes an antique.

Kid, where are you going?
Bring that frame over here.

Ingenious.

That's no good.
You have to do it all over again.

Bye, Ovidio.

Ovidio, this is no good, you know.

This is a delicate job.
You've got to do it well.

Look at this stuff.
No, make him do it again.

Tell him to give it another coat.

What are you doing?
Those cherubs have just been plastered.

Damn!

What are you doing, Beppo? This
isn't 18th-century, it's Renaissance.

- Listen, I need...
- What are you doing?

- Are you sitting down?
- No.

No. The Lombard throne will collapse.

It's fake.

Listen, sir, I'll be honest with you.

- Everything here is fake.
- I believe you.

Even the certificates
of pedigree and expertise.

The only antique here is me.

Do you want something nice?
I'll show you. Look.

We've got some masterpieces.

Do you want a Etruscan vase
that's just been dug up?

Look how beautiful it is.
The drawings, the colour, the shape...

- Interesting...
- You're not interested in that?

There's lots of stuff here.

That's lovely. Have a look
at this pair of Baroque-style angels.

Late 18th-century. Just out of the kiln.
Hot as a pizza.

They're beautiful.

But I need something made to measure.

- Made to measure?
- A copy.

A copy? I can make you a copy.
Whatever material you like.

What do you want? Ceramic? Bronze?

Marble? Wood? Plaster?
Whatever you want, I'll make it.

- Here. Look.
- Beautiful.

Here are all the measurements.
How much will it cost?

We do it by weight, like steaks.

Let me go and have a better look
in the light.

Beautiful. Annamese dog.

You were supposed to warn me
but you kept quiet. Look.

How many times do I have to tell you,
for goodness' sake?

Donatello! Donatello!

Donatello.

I told you that old-fashioned glaze
doesn't dry.

Get the hairdryer and dry it.

My Lord! This work takes a long time.

- Yes, I understand, but how long?
- How long?

With ceramics
it's a question of cooking.

- Like spaghetti?
- Exactly! Like spaghetti. That's right.

What a trip! Everything's rotten.

- May I?
- Who is it?

Do you remember me? I was
at the auction of the Padoan collection.

I've got something for you.

You were very annoyed
to miss out on buying the dog.

Enunciate clearly.

You were very annoyed

to miss out on buying the dog.

I found one exactly the same
and thought of you.

My name is Andrea Rossi-Colo...

I thought I'd fooled him, but that's because
I still didn't know him well.

Incredible.

- How did you manage to track it down?
- Trade secret.

- Are you an antiquarian or a collector?
- Both.

How much?

The same price
that the other dog went for.

Pay...

Thelma.

We've got a visitor. A very kind man.

Look what he's brought me.

Just for a million. Look.

- He's an antiquarian.
- Maybe he's a madman.

- Enchanté.
- Antiquarian...

Andrea Rossi-Colombotti.

Mr Colombotti, you're a collector
as well as an antiquarian.

Would you rather have money
or a piece of the same value?

- Whatever you think, Count.
- Thank you.

I'll offer you two cats worth 500,000 lire each
for your million-lire dog.

Are you interested in pieces
that are hard to find?

That's fine by me.

They are two very valuable pieces.

I found them in Indochina when I was
an officer in the Foreign Legion.

I had their owner shot.

He was a rebel who didn't want to die,
even when I was finishing him off.

Have you come to set me free?
Aren't you afraid that he'll kill you?

- I'll crush him like a snake.
- Yes, my darling.

Silly of me. He's deaf.

- I'm afraid he has a sixth sense.
- I'll show you a seventh one, darling.

The intoxication of daring love.

Love is a mixture of risk and conquest

and we will taste it together,
drop by drop.

Watch out. I can hear him coming.

Yes, it's a stone, the metaphysical
perfection of the spherical form.

Here. Look. They're intact.

They're superb.

I'd very much like to show you
my whole collection.

I'm flattered.

Today's Saturday. Why don't you
stay for the weekend with us?

Thank you.

Erminio. The gentleman
is staying as our guest.

Have the ochre room prepared.
This evening we'll eat in the garden.

We'll have a lot of plovers tomorrow
with this wind.

- Do you like hunting, my friend?
- Not much. I prefer fishing.

In moderation.

Tonight will be our night.

I've worked out how.

How you're planning to crush the snake.

- Who?
- With the big ball.

The big ball?

Be quiet.

Be quiet. Down! Down! Down!

Good dog. Good dog.

- Come here.
- No.

If he wakes up
and sees that I'm not there...

That's true. Let's stay here.

- That way we can check on him.
- No.

Yes. Isn't it exciting?

So are you resolved? You hate that man
so much because you love me?

- Yes?
- Yes.

I'm so happy!

But I don't want to know anything.

You will find the tool
for sawing the ball off its stand

behind the greenhouse in the garden.

Don't ask any more.

Ah, the big ball. Yes, I agree.
I won't ask any more.

- Ruin me.
- Gently.

Your days are numbered, you bastard.

Love me.

Who are you who have conquered me?

A bold condottiere with no scruples.

Yes, I'm bold, with no scruples.

- Say it again, louder.
- I'm bold, with no scruples.

- Louder.
- I'm bold, with no scruples.

- Behind the greenhouse. Remember.
- But aren't we...

When you've done it. Resist.

Resist. Easier said than done.

I must always be free...

At dawn or at dusk...

I must always be free...

- Have you done it?
- Done it?

Oh, yes, don't worry.
It's men's business.

Kiss me instead.

You can't imagine
how harsh he was with me.

He made me give up opera,
theatre, everything.

He locked me up in this miserable house.

He killed the man I loved.
He'll kill you as well if you don't do it.

I've done it.

- My beautiful roses.
- Really beautiful.

Please.

- Please sit there.
- No, my dear, you're wrong.

Yesterday evening
Mr Rossi sat on the other seat.

I made a mistake yesterday evening.
He should sit between us.

Bad luck! I'm afraid for you now.

Control yourself, darling.

We have to postpone our plan,
but don't be distressed. Control yourself.

Are you made of steel?

Before she had realised
that the ball wasn't sawn off,

I would have slipped away.

I should shut the door properly
so it doesn't bang.

Wicked man.

He knows that the sight of a cut flower
torments my soul.

Wicked.

Without water?

It's unfair to prolong its agony pointlessly.

I hate it when doors bang.

- Here.
- Thank you.

Your roses, dear.
I'm going to wash my hands.

I never tire of admiring your courage.

Thank you.

- Countess, shall I fillet the fish?
- What's happening? I'm sinking.

- Good heavens! Are you hurt?
- No.

- I'll lift you up.
- Thank you.

How could that happen? I'm sorry.

It's nothing, just a bit of subsidence.
I'll move my chair to the right.

Stop, Erminio. Stop, stop.

I'll fillet the fish.
You don't do it properly.

Go and get the sauces. Go on.

Not everybody can fillet a fish.

A surgeon friend of mine can't do it.

Speaking of which, dear, I left my pills
upstairs in the bedroom.

Would you mind?
They're on my bedside table.

- Can I go with you?
- No, Thelma knows where they are.

Mr Rossi-Colombotti,
you are a very lucky man

to catch a cod in a river.

- Exceptionally.
- My mind's like a sieve.

Now I think about it, the pills are here
in the anteroom on the chest.

Thelma.

- I can go.
- Don't put yourself out.

- I'll go.
- Thelma.

Thelma. Thelma.

Countess, I've found the pills.

Andrea. Let's escape.

Don't be afraid, come on.
Control yourself, please.

The door!

No!

Help! It's the count.

The door, the stone ball.

Holy Mary,
it's crushed him like a focaccia.

- What are you talking about?
- Thank you, my avenger.

Avenger? It was an accident.
I didn't do anything.

That's what everyone will think.
Don't be afraid.

Only I know the truth.

Poor count. He was so wicked.

NATO MAJOR
RISKS LIFE IMPRISONMENT

TRIAL TO TAKE PLACE
AT THE VENICE ASSIZES NEXT MARCH

And now let's hear
from the widow Masotto-Brulé.

THE LAW IS EQUAL FOR ALL

Gentlemen,

I have spent this time
in grief and prayer.

And remorse.

What I say is true.

He killed him. He killed him for love.

He risked everything for love.

- Be merciful.
- You're crazy! Despicable!

Explain how you came to know
the accused.

Our first romantic encounter?

I was on a bus with a friend

when suddenly, taking advantage
of the crowd, somebody touched me.

It was that pig there.

Why didn't you complain?

Why would I do that?
I thought it was my friend.

I will say on the record that
nobody had ever kissed me like that.

Not just among the lions,
but away from them as well.

Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Say, "I swear."

I swear that if I catch him
I'll kill him.

Take him away.

Order!

Your Honour.

These are the witnesses
who should frighten my client?

As soon as he heard our conversation
about the jinx woman

he was inflamed with love.

He asked for her address
and went to her house.

No, what is important here
is the letter. The letter.

Your Honour,
I demand that the letter be produced

which my client
left on the table in the bar

and which the witness
omitted to mention.

I want to speak. I want to speak too.

He is an upright and honest man.

I was the one who... who...

forgetting all decency,
offered myself brazenly to him.

- Giglio...
- Michelantonio!

A doctor!

Andrea, I believe in you.
I'll wait for you, Andrea.

This, gentlemen of the jury,
is the man who was accused.

When I learned about what had happened
in the papers,

I wasn't at all surprised.

I knew very well that sooner or later

I would see this man again in the dock.

- Objection, Your Honour.
- Objection sustained.

At the time...
at the time I warned the accused.

I warned him.
I advised him to give up women.

But he didn't listen to me
and he became easy prey to them.

Prey to these cursed creatures,
these horrors, these gorgons.

You women should be
in that boy's place in the dock.

I'll kill you.

We should step on you,
you filthy serpents!

Vile sluts!

You're vampires! Witches!

Your Honour, an honest,
disinterested opinion

from a great scientific luminary.

An opinion that points

to the negative influence
of the gentle sex on my client.

ILLUSTRIOUS PSYCHIATRIST
ADMITTED TO NEUROLOGICAL CLINIC

If we don't want knowingly
to offend truth and justice,

if we don't want to commit an error
that will weigh on our lives,

if we want our consciences
to be in peace,

only one verdict
will come out of this court.

Life imprisonment.

I object.

- How can you...
- I object.

- I object, I object, I object.
- Silence!

This is intolerable.

Everybody can speak except me.

Everybody's been maintaining for days
on end that I'm a monster, a killer.

It won't be long
before they convince me too.

Like my ex-girlfriend Noelle,

who managed to convince me
that I was a...

- Can I say the word, Your Honour?
- No, you can't say anything.

Go on, say it,
so long as you're quick.

Thank you.

First of all, I'm not a monster.

What man doesn't take pleasure

in a little bit of fantasy,
the unexpected, mystery,

in that which should be
the most marvellous of all adventures?

Your Honour, what is
the most marvellous of all adventures?

Are you interrogating me now?

It's the conquest of a beloved woman.

But today, Your Honour,
what is there to conquer?

Women are too available, too easy.

You just whistle
and they fall into your arms.

Lucky you.

Of course,
there is a minimum requirement.

You're ugly.

A bit of respect...
for the court, at least.

- The accused must control himself.
- I'm sorry. I'll correct that.

The Public Prosecutor is handsome.

Oh, God. I admit that I could have
sometimes gone a bit too far.

But what am I supposed to do?
I don't like easy women.

Let's all appreciate the accused's
highly original philosophical theory,

which aims to show that man is a hunter

and that he is a champion hunter.

In fact, we found a corpse on his road.

No, one moment. I was getting there.

I am not a killer.

What would I have had to gain
from killing that man?

He was the one who wanted to kill me.

He was the one who sawed off the ball
from its stand

because the ball fell onto my seat,
in my place.

And he sat there?

Tell us why the deceased
would have wanted to kill you.

Explain his motive.

Do I have to remind you
that he was very jealous?

Of course I know that.
Perhaps he found out about your affair.

- Did he catch you at it?
- No.

And he couldn't have heard your amorous
conversations. The deceased was deaf.

And who kicked the door?

That's enough of these
clumsy attempts to clear your name.

Your Honour, it seems to me that
the picture is more than clear, and...

One moment, Your Honour.

I'd like to call
the servant Erminio again.

When I arrived the count
was stamping on the earth with his foot.

After he'd moved the major's chair

he had his back to the door
when it suddenly closed.

The poor man hardly had time
to turn round

and shout, "The door!" when the ball
came crashing down on his head.

Stop!

"Hardly had time to turn round."

- Is that what you said?
- Yes.

- So he turned his head?
- Yes.

That means he wasn't deaf. He
was pretending to be. That's the truth!

Of course!

And so, in answer
to the Public Prosecutor's question

about whether the count knew
of the affair,

we must reply without hesitation, yes!

And why did he keep quiet?
Because he was plotting his revenge.

His revenge, gentlemen of the jury.

And if the Public Prosecutor
doesn't pretend to be deaf as well,

it falls to the defence

to request the reopening
of the investigation and an autopsy.

AUTOPSY PROVES ACCUSED RIGHT:
THE DECEASED KNEW!

ROSSl-COLOMBOTTI ACQUITTED
AND CHEERED BY WOMEN

Three months later,
discharged from the army,

my wife and I moved to Milan
where, with Uncle Monsignor's help,

I got a reference from the Church
for a position at Enricone SpA,

a vast industrial complex
with about 3,000 employees.

Of course, Mum.

Everything's going really well here.

Tell Dad and my uncle too.

It's a big city.

As they say, life has a completely different
rhythm from back home,

but I'm getting used to it.

At midday I always go to meet Andrea
at the factory.

Andrea's very well regarded, Mum.

They call him the Colonel.

Yes, yes, double.

Andrea?

Andrea, what are you doing?

- Andrea?
- Yes, darling, I'm coming.

Sorry, Mum, but Andrea's working.

I assure you he's perfect. He'd make
the most demanding of wives happy.

No, Mum.

Andrea doesn't need
to take any risks to love me.

No, the past is dead and buried.

Every man gets to the point where
he wants a proper, ordered life.

Andrea says goodbye again, Mum.

Sometimes he has to work in the evening,
you know.

OK, bye, Mummy. Bye. Bye.

Bye, Mummy. Yes. Lots of kisses.

Yes. More kisses. Bye, Mummy. Bye.

Andrea, come to bed.

Yes, darling. I'm coming.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Who's there?

Andrea, what are you doing?

THE END