All language subtitles for Taskmaster.S19E10.The.Clever.Side.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH

This was a mistake!

Shut up. Pardon?

HORN BEEPS

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

Whoo!

CROW CAWS

DUCKS QUACK

You're mad.

Wow!

GIGGLING

HORN TOOTS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Welcome to the
Taskmaster grand final!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ten weeks of literal blood,
sweat and tears,

and we are a short hour away
from crowning not just any clown,

the king of the clowns!

What makes a champion,
ladies and gentlemen?

Blood? We've seen it.

Sweat? All five of our
contestants stink of it.

Tears? Every night,
when he wets the bed.

So, we all have the ingredients
for one final pie -

the glory pie.

LAUGHTER
Please...

..meet the meat that hopes
to end up being its filling.

They are...

..Fatiha El-Ghorri!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jason Mantzoukas!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mathew Baynton!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Rosie Ramsey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Stevie Martin!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me,

a man who tells me the secret to
a happy marriage is simple -

respect, making time for
your personal space,

and never telling your wife, Rachel,
how boring all her stories are.

Ooh...
LAUGHTER

Ooh...

Ooh, dear.

It's little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Greg, it's the last episode,

so I thought it's about time we
renew our vows, don't you think?

Ah. I've written mine.

"I, Alex Horne,
solemnly swear to protect you

"till the day one of us is dead."

Here's yours.

"I, Greg Davies, do solemnly swear
to express my respect

"and admiration for you as often as
I breathe each breath."

Part two.
LAUGHTER

"From today onward, you and I will
be one in heart, body and mind."

Means so much to me. Part three.
Yeah.

And the general rule of thumb of
comedy is there's only three parts.

LAUGHTER

"You are my sunrise and sunset,

"and my day starts
and ends with you.

"I'm the luckiest person alive
to be standing with you today,

"and to be facing life
with you every day."

That's what I feel as well. Last one.

Four. The rule of four.

"Let us build a home..."
Yes.

"..a life, and a family
from these bonds,

"and promise to stick together
through all life's challenges.

"You are my fire, my one desire..."

There's definitely another one.
No, that is it.

I've put "..." cos that's
the bit that I really meant.

OK.

A paid employee will have printed
all those out for him.

Work experience. Yep.

Time for the final prize task
category of the series, what is it?

Yes, Greg, it's an important one,
and that's why the category is,

"The thing most likely
to make you do a double-take."

AUDIENCE: Ooh...

Good old Greg will give five points

to the thing that prompts the
biggest delayed surprised reaction.

At the end of the episode,

the winner will double-take all five
things home with them.

All right, then.

Mathew, what have you brought in
that'll make me double-take?

It is boots in a bin.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Boots in a bin. Simple as that.

Great.

And it really does look like
there's a body in there. Yeah!

It's a strong start. Thank you.
Simple. Clean.

Fatiha? Yeah?

You've made me double-take
all series.

My thing is geezers with beards.

Oh...

Have you...?
SHE CHUCKLES

This is crazy.

Have you ever farted
in front of a cat?

How is that related?!

How do those things connect?!

It was only matter
of time till someone asked.

So, yeah, you know, like,
if you fart in front of cat, yeah?

It goes like this.

And that's what happens when I see
a geezer with a beard, right?

Cos a lot of Muslim men grow beards.

And, so is this beard for somebody
that you might find attractive,

but who doesn't have a beard,

so you can just put it
right on him?

No, we just couldn't find a guy
with beard that I liked.

Oh. So I said, "Use..."

So, if I've understood you
correctly,

you've brought a beard in,

because you always double-take
when you see a man with a beard,

because you find them attractive,

but you're hoping that
that man is a Muslim? Yeah.

What I haven't quite worked out

is the whole farting
in front of cats thing.

Don't worry about that, OK?
Don't worry about that.

Just leave that, yeah?
Yeah, leave that.

That's the reaction. Cos you...

Like, that's what I'm like.

Backstage, you said this
was your best one.

It is.
ROSIE: It's terrible!

It is my best one.

OK.

Jason.

Um, I brought this at a yard sale
maybe 30 years ago.

It has lived in the kitchen
of every house or apartment
that I've ever lived in.

Mm-hm. And it never fails to get
a double-take from people

when I show it to them.

GREG SPLUTTERS

LAUGHTER

You looked back again.

I looked again so I could read,
"Most meals with dad".

ROSIE: Aww!
That's what got me.

That's the double-take.

I'd like to think maybe some day
it's not just that I own it,

but some day I'll earn it.

You mean you'll eat
with your father more often?

Wouldn't that be great? OK.

It's, uh, absolutely weird.

Stevie.

Oh, I, um... I forgot mine.

LAUGHTER, GASPS

APPLAUSE
I'm so hot!

I've been silent the whole time

cos I didn't want
you to look at my stupid shoulder.

That is strong.

Genuinely wasn't expecting it.
Did a genuine double-take. Great.

Rosie? Uh, I have brought
a life-size interpretation

of my monthly period.

GASPS, SHOCKED LAUGHTER

Here she is.
ALEX: Here she is.

Oh, no...

Look at it again, Greg.
Look at it again.

STEVIE: What's the problem?
Why'd you hate women?!

Can it be a double-take if you never
look at a thing more than once?

Take it all in.
It's just nature. Yeah.

Oh, and it's absolutely...

..em-empowering.

Yeah. Very good! Yes, sister.

The thing most likely to make
you do a double-take, Greg.

What's the...? OK, well,
this is gonna ruin my potential...

..marriage to Fatiha, I think...
Oh, no.

Because I don't double-take
at men with beards.

So it's one to Fatiha. Again.

Two points to Mathew.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

I've seen wellies in a bin. Sorry.

Mat, do you want to hold my hand?

'Scuse me.

As much as I love meals with Dad,

I'm going to give it three points.

If I saw that blob thing
walk past me,

I would mega-take,

and be disturbed by it...

But it's her finest work.
She fooled us all.

I did a genuine double-take.

Stevie takes five points.

Well done, Stevie Martin!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, let's get this party started.

Give me a task proper.

Yes, and what could be more apt

than an emotive task involving
the sands of time

and some brightly coloured boxes?

Hello!

It's nice in there, isn't it?

I feel like I'm in a microwave.
Thanks.

Cool.

I'm not going to, uh,
be too fast now.

You're not going to be too fast?
I'm going to take my time...

OK. ..and be very deliberate
in my thoughts and emotions.

"Completely fill the
yellow box with sand."

"The yellow box with sand."

"Once you have touched a box,

"you must hold that box for
the rest of the task."

"Once y-..."

"Once you have touched a box,

"you must hold that box
for the rest of the task."

Right, well, I haven't
touched any from saying that.

STEVIE CHORTLES

"Fastest wins."

OK, so this seems to be
a situation under here.

I'd love you to read the last line.

I would love to, but I just want to
figure out how this thing works.

Have you started the clock?
No. Great.

I'm tempted to.

"Your time starts...

"..now."

APPLAUSE

Stevie, uh,
what are you going to be?

I think it might be a catchphrase
that people could use for you

going forward, so I just want to
shine a light on it.

STEVIE: Oh, thank you.
You said, "OK,

"I'm going to be very deliberate
in my thoughts and emotions."

And then I went, "Hurr-hurr-hurr!"
on the box.

Right, do you want to
go through some rules?

Yeah, well, you didn't need
to worry about the touching

till after you'd said,
"Your time starts now."

Don't worry about that. Ah.
Fill the yellow box up with sand.

If you touch a box,
you've got to hold the box.

First up, we're going to see Fatiha,
Rosie and Sandy.

Sand. We're going to see sand.

So how are you going to do this?
Cos I don't want to touch anything.

Oh, bollocks. Oh, shit.

So, you've just touched
the orange one so far.

Why are you stating the obvious?

Oh, shit.
There's another box in here.

But I can just grab the sand,
can't I?

I'm not touching the box.
Just like this.

Just like this.

SLOWED: Just like this.

I think you need to pick up
the blue box.

UNDER BREATH: Bastard.

So...

That's a big one.

FATIHA LAUGHS

Oh, you're carrying that one
as well, then, now.

So you... Oh, oh, dear.

Right, so you've touched all
the boxes now.

It says, "Living room."

Right.

SHE GASPS
Do I have to go the living room?

Off we go.

Can I boot the door in?

Yeah.

Oh, that was a bad idea!

The yellow box is upside down now.

Oh...

Oh, there's more sand.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, you're taking the piss.

You're taking the absolute piss.

Oh, my God! OK.

Shed.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Going on your head, is it? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Oh.
SHE LAUGHS

What is this?!

Why is there all these boxes?

You're wobbling it in? Yeah.

Is it working? Um, no. No.

Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit.

AUDIENCE GROANS

SHE LAUGHS

Is it completely full of sand?

I think so.

There's no more sand anyway.

Would you like me to stop the clock?
Yeah.

It's half empty. Ah.

This is what we're going to do.

I'm going to put that in here.

Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
OK?

SHE CHUCKLES

You're a prick.

SHE GRUNTS

Is it full? Yes, it's full, bruv.

I've stopped the clock.

Congratulations. That was impressive.

APPLAUSE

Fatiha, I didn't realise that you
were Special Forces trained.

The kicking in of the door,
incredible,

and then managed
to keep hold of all the boxes.

I lost my balance.
I've got really bad balance.

Yeah, I saw. Yeah.

Rosie did some great facial
expressions during that,

and I was amazed at
just how proud you were

when you put that orange
box on your head.

Yeah, well,
I've captured it for posterity.

Here it is.

I suspect neither of them succeeded.

Look, neither of them completely
filled it with sand,

but they did their best.

And that's all that counts?

Not normally, no.

Who's next? Next up, it's
two men who are prodigious actors.

A skill, of course, that has
no use in this task whatsoever.

It's Jason and Mathew.

There's not... That's not going
to all be sand, is it?

There's going to be a trick.

Is there sand anywhere else, Alex?

I don't know. I don't know.

Ah, I see.

This box has actually quite little
sand in it.

I've managed to ascertain that
without touching the box yet.

That's a... That's a trap.

You bas...

So's that.

OK, we've got some sort
of contraption here.

How you doing?

Where else is there sand?

Got any sand in here?

A thorough search has
turned up no sand.

Sand!

A-ha.

Stop the clock!
I've stopped the clock!

Whew.

Seems full. I've stopped the clock.

Great.

Thank you, Alex.

Thank you, Jason.

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

I mean, lovely.
Very indicative of the two nations

from whence you both came.

Jason has unbelievable
self-belief throughout.

He believes everything
will go right.

And Mathew presumes, as is correct,

that everything will go wrong,

and is absolutely
amazed when it doesn't.

But pretty sharp and fast?

Yeah, Jason, 4 minutes 21.

Mat was 1 minute 25.

Oh!
AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Finally, the argument's settled.

We are better.

OK, break time.

There are three parts left to go,

so maybe try and pace yourselves
with the booze for a change, yeah?

State of you.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Yes, here we are.

It's the Taskmaster final,
and it's the start of part two.

That's right - and I've just had
a bowl of muesli.

Its fibre content helps keep my
digestive system moving smoothly,

preventing constipation
and other digestive problems.

The current task involves trying

to completely fill
the yellow box with sand.

There's just one person left,

and that person's name is still
Stevie Martin.

Right.
Oh, I've made a terrible mistake.

That's not...

The sand's outside the
dome, isn't it?

I've got massive hands. I forgot.

Ah!

Sh-... Shit.

Oh!

Yeah, that's fine.

Oh, f-... Sorry.

SHE CHUCKLES

I can't walk.

There has to be a
better way than this.

Oh! Why did I move it?

SCRAPING

No, that's obviously stupid.

Why would I do...?

Oh, what?!

"Shed."

Whoa...

I'm suing.

What have you just seen?

A box that says
the word "sand" on it.

Right.

You touching another box?

I'm touching all of the boxes.

Great.

It's got a sheet
of sandpaper in it.

Yeah, it says "sandpaper" on the box.

I...can't...

..deal with that...now.

Right, I actually need to
think about where I'm going.

OK. Yeah, all right.

OK.

Are you holding the yellow box?

No, but I've got, like,
a bit of my body on it?

WHISTLE
I've stopped the clock.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

What did she promise she would be?

Oh, she was so deliberate in her
thoughts and her emotions.

I forgot!

But filled her box up, didn't she?

Right up.

It took her nearly 20 minutes,
but she did.

You did it in the end.

Incredibly, though,
you're not going to come last.

Incredible.
Let's get some scores, then.

So first of all, there's no doubt,

the winner of the task is
Mr Mat Baynton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He gets five points for his 1:25.

Um, the other box fillers,

Jason, you get four points in second
for four minutes,

and Stevie, you took 17.5 minutes,

but you get three points, I presume.

Well, cos the box was
definitely full of sand, 100%. Yes.

But now we're into murky
territory with these two, aren't we?

It is such murky territory.

Now, I should technically give you
both nothing,

but cos this is the final,
I'm trying to be generous.

You put that sand pot in. Yeah.

And that is made of sand.

Yeah, well, I guess it was over
the top of the box. Yeah.

I'm tempted to give Fatiha
two points.

And I'd feel pretty bad for you -

you know you've made
a fool of yourself

with that box on your head -
if I didn't give you one point.

Well done, Rosie.
One two Rosie, two to Fatiha,

but Mathew Baynton wins the task!

Yeah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Could you give me
the scores, please?

Yes, well, Fatiha and Rosie
are still at the bottom

but at the top, with eight points,

it's Stevie Martin!Ooh!Ooh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What are we going to do next,
Alex Horne?

Freeze.

What's all that nonsense?

Am I Bear Grylls? Making me walk
through rocks. What's going on?

Nice place. Oh, yeah, that is nice.

It's gorgeous, isn't it?
It's an inflatable.

It's not.

OK.

"Freeze on your spot in
the most powerful pose."

She's a windy one.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

It doesn't bode well that inanimate
objects can't freeze on the spot.

"Freeze on your spot in
the most powerful pose

"in five minutes from now."

I'm assuming that's my spot.

It is.

"You must be touching
two of the objects."

"Your time started when you
acknowledged Alex."

Is that it?

Probably.

"Most powerful pose."

This place is quite regal, innit?

So, regal people have dogs
all the time.

The power over life and death.

I could kill a dog.

Now, in the '80s, when they used
to have these round their necks,

they were quite powerful people.

The most powerful thing in the world
is obviously people who...

So, statues were made of them.

So if I... Hold this.

Oh, shit.

I want to stand up on these
two things.

Do you now?

This is my dog that I take to
the beach. These are my skates.

So, this is my puppy, Rufus.

Rufus.

And he's been hit by a car.

Oh.

But I have the power
to end his life.

Going to get into
a powerful position.

Right?

And then like this...
SHE EXHALES FEARFULLY

You're... Kneel down here

with your head right where
the hammer would be.

Ten seconds.

OK, Jason? Yeah?

I'm just going to read
the second part of the task.

Son of a bitch.

It says, "Stay completely
still in your powerful pose

"for the next ten minutes."
SHE SCOFFS

"Least movement wins,
your time starts now."

You understand the task?

Uh-huh.

This is a disaster.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

I expected Jason to show something
like a man being executed

as an example of power.

But a puppy, Mathew?

It's powerful, isn't it?

Powerful to think...
The murder of a puppy?

Putting it out of its... Putting
Rufus out of his misery was the idea.

It is powerful.

Fatiha. Yeah?

I must've, uh,
missed the episode of Bear Grylls

when he battled his
way across some driveway gravel.

"It was like running through
the Himalayas," she said.

Listen, that shit was deep.

What do you think
people in the '80s...

LAUGHTER

What do you think
powerful people did in the '80s?

'80s, power, cool kids, rollers,
rollerblades. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I remember Ronald Reagan wore
some skates round his neck

when the Berlin Wall came down,
didn't he?

It's not really about the
powerful position. I know.

It's how still they could be in
that position.

You want to see how they got on?
Oh, God, do I?

Sometimes you just can't beat a
montage of people standing about

in loads of pain. Here we go.

How often do you want me
to tell you the time?

Not too often. OK.

Any regrets?

Mm-hm.

How long has it been?

It's been 34 seconds. OK.

How did I not see this coming?

This has got all the hallmarks of,
"There's a second task."

Nine minutes left.

It's the twist in the spine I regret
the most at this point.

Oh, the benefit is

I could really give you
a whack right now.

How long have I done? You're almost
there, just eight minutes to go.

Oh, shut up.

Happy with your choice?
UNSURE: Mm.

The arm. The arm's a problem, is it?

AFFIRMATIVELY: Mm.

How's the knee? Not great.

We're at two minutes. Mmph.

Ah, I'm going to do three,
and then I'm going to...

I'm going to swap...
SHE WHEEZES

Can you just edit it, yeah?

Because my trainer,
she's a bitch, yeah? Right.

She'll make me do like
20 bench lifts. Like, just edit it.

Ooh, this left one is wobbly.

Elbow all right?
NEGATIVELY: Mm-mm.

You going to last? Mmm. Yeah.

Five minutes gone.

MATHEW YELLS: Oh, God!

Let me do another pose, then.
Right, OK.

Mmm... Mm-mm.

It's taking so much effort!

My back hurts, Jason.

Your back's hurting? Uh-huh.

All right, good.

Lost my toes. Lost your toes?

Me two little toes have gone.

That's cute, innit?

Can you stay still?

You're so boring.

50 seconds. Mm...

MATHEW GROANS

JASON GROWLS REPEATEDLY

STEVIE GRUMBLES

Eight seconds.

WHISTLE
ROSIE:Oh, my word.

FATIHA: Smashed it.

STEVIE SCREAMS IN AGONY

A-ha-ha-ha-ha-oww....

SHE GASPS

JOINTS CLICK

HE GASPS SOFTLY

Thank you, Mathew. Thank you, Rufus.

APPLAUSE

Fatiha, when you say
you "smashed it",

what do you mean?

It seems to me everyone went
through hell,

screaming in agony for
the positions.

What you did,
as far as I can work out,

is you called your
personal trainer a bitch,

and you asked the team
to edit it for you.

We did edit quite a bit,

cos you also said that Cliff Richard
was a prick at one point.

Yeah, that was hard, man.

It was hard if you did it.

I'm going to show you now
Jason and Mathew,

their effort distilled so you can
see how much they moved.

Here we go.

WHISTLE

WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

Not bad.

Mathew seconds from crying.

Did you see his face?

I was in pain for days!

Yeah.

Jason, you just looked like you were
getting tighter and tighter.

Angrier and angrier.

I thought, "Oh, my God, he's
going to smash Alex's head in."

ROSIE: I did!

I was desperate to.
The longer it went,

the more it seemed like
the easiest solution to the task.

I would've loved it.
A bit of lateral thinking.

I'm afraid there are just two parts
of the final to go

with our five mighty competitors,

but thankfully, when it does end,

we'll still have each other.

My sweet, sweet friend.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

And welcome back to the third part
of this Taskmaster final.

Yes, they're trying
to stay as still as possible

for ten minutes
in a most powerful pose

while touching two objects.

Least movement wins.

Now, let's see how much
Rosie and Stevie moved.

Ooh.

WHISTLE

WHISTLE
MATHEW:Wow.

Not a lot. Not a lot in it.
APPLAUSE

Ten minutes.

Pretty amazing.

And you were actually in
a difficult pose as well.

That classic power move.

On the roller rink!
With all my friends.

Really good, though. Yeah, for
ten minutes, that is impressive.

I've not got much to say.
It's pretty good.

Well, there is someone still to see,
so you might have something to say.

They have been so still -
so, so still.

So still.

And now here is Fatiha.

WHISTLE

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

The last ten seconds, she was good.

For nine minutes 50 seconds...

I know, I just...

Cos when I dropped my hand,
I knew it was over, innit?

So I thought, "Let me just talk."

It's not all about points, is it?

Don't start giving it.

I'm not scared of you.

If you come after me,
I'll just go up someone's driveway.

Least movement wins, Greg.

One point to Fatiha. OK.

Yeah, I would say that
Mathew's murderous character

probably moved the most
after Fatiha.

Yeah. Two points to Mathew.

Probably Jason in third. Are you
happy with that, Jason? I would say.

Am I happy with it?!

Fuck, no.

Three to Jason,
and then it's up to you.

You saw how much they moved.
Not a lot.

I think that Stevie was
clearly in such pain,

and I actually think she
just had the edge, so...

OK, so four points to Rosie,
five to Stevie Martin. I agree.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Only a handful of points left
to give this series.

What have you got for me?
I have got a team task, Greg,

and it will hopefully involve your
big three -

fast service, accurate pricing,
and great food.

Hello, team.

ROSIE: Hello.

This is proper nonsense, you know?

Hello, team.
JASON: What team is it?

I'd love it if you were
to address us by our team name.

I can't remember your team name.

Javie Martzoukas.

Yeah!

MATHEW: "Provide the best
drive-through experience."

Ooh.

"Your first customer will arrive in
five minutes from now.

"The next five customers..."
Oh, boy.

"..will arrive every
two minutes after that."

"They are expecting..."

"Your time starts now."

So, what's closest?

I just want to see...

So, we should alternate, right?
So whoever orders...

Holy shit, there's so much stuff.

Are you good at cooking?

I can make food, or...
Can you count?

I can... Yeah.

Do you want to do the counting? OK.

Let's start making...
STEVIE: Making.

Can you start making warm bread
sandwich with butter on the outside?

Yeah.

ROSIE: All right, what is it?

Warm bread sandwich with butter...

Ah, no, what's a pentagon?

What's a pentagon?

Like a 50p piece.

A small flour castle with a moat.
OK.

ROSIE: Draw a pentagon on there.
OK, give me that.

First customer in one minute 20.

Is that a pentagon?

Do you know the pentagon in America?

That's what it looks like.

Do you not know it? That's
the government building, innit?

"Fast service, accurate pricing
and great food."

Yes. Come on, then.
Be nice to the...

..to anyone who comes.
Of course, of course.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Well, Javie Martzoukas
immediately seem like

a very efficient team to me.
And the other team...

Um...
LAUGHTER

No, I think it's the
mark of a good team

that one person runs around
trying to address the task

while the other two
debate what a shape is.

Shall we kick it off, then?
Let's lock in.

OK, well, for the last time,
it is Jason and Stevie first.

Hello. Hello.

Hi, there.
Hello, little boy. How are you?

I'm good. I'm hungry.
Great. What can I get you?

I'll have some warm
bread sandwich please.

OK... Cut into a... Sorry,

but can I have it cut into
a pentagon shape?

OK, Stevie, warm toast
cut into a pentagon

and fizzy milk, please, to drink.
A drizzle.

A drizzle? Not a drizzle, a medium.

And no sides, please.

I think I'm already going to have
a nervous breakdown.

I'm sorry, where do I go?

Uh, you're going to have
to pay down here.

OK, uh, am I following you?

Yes, please.

Hey, this is a great start.

Can you repeat literally
everything you just said?

Yes, some toast,
cut into a pentagon. Yeah.

And a little bit of milk.
Oh, hello. Pentagon...

Hi.

STEVIE BLOWS
Hi, there, I've ordered back there.

How much do I owe you?
OK, yes, it's just going to be...

"Type price, press for
drink/main/side, press conf-..."

What?

BELL RINGS

Oh, boy. Hello.
Oh, there's somebody...

Son of a bitch.

I need to get back in the kitchen.

Please take the payment quickly.

I guess...
INCORRECT BUZZ

..there's your ticket. Hello?

Your food will be available at
the window here, please.

Thank you so much.

Very reasonable, thank you. Hello?

Oh, sorry. Yeah.

Second order coming in.

Ah. Oh, hello. Hello.

Welcome to the JV Martzoukas Deli.

Hello. Thank you for dining
at JV Martzoukas.

Your pentagonal toast
and your milk.

We're an organisation
that is dedicated

to bringing delicious,
sustainable...

God bless. Is it fizzy, the milk?

Uh, in a way. Meant to be fizzy.

..locally sourced food
from around the area...

What the fuck?

..to you and anybody else around.

So, how can I help you?

Burnt toast and just
a drizzle of milk, please.

Sure.

Oh, shit. Wow.

OK I've got... I'm sorry,
I do have to go, I've got a meeting.

Absolutely, there you go.

I'd love to tell you just a little
bit about the establishment.

So that's going to be 3.50.

We started during peak pandemic.

Thank you.
You're a wonderful little guy.

Aw, thank you.

We started out of our kitchen...

That's 4.75.

We're a couple...
Uh, pay at the geodesic dome.

We're in love. You OK?Yeah.
MICROWAVE DINGS

So that was 7.74?
DING!

We love making food for people.

Hello, this is your burnt toast
with a drizzle of milk.

Here is your steamed bread,
homemade confetti...

Here is ten ice cubes in
a little tower for you.

Have a great day.

Thank you very much. Thank you.
Thank you!

What you're doing is great out
there. Thank you for your service.

I appreciate that. Yeah.
Have a nice day. You as well.

So that'll be 1.50. There you go.
DING!

We thought, "Why not do some
good for the world?"

We're going to need
a small flour castle with a moat.

Extra gluten, please.

On it. I've already made it.

Absolutely crushing it, Stevie.

I'm pretty good at this.

And people just loved it.

Here is the flour castle
with a little moat.

Is there extra gluten?

Extra gluten? One second.
I'm so sorry.

They love what we're doing,
so here we are.

Now, what can I get you?

GROWLING: Can't believe
I left the flag out of gluten.

CUSTOMER SERVICE VOICE:
So sorry. There's the little
gluten flag for your castle.

Just going to pop that on.
Thank you.

Have a great day. Will do.

Have an amazing day. Thank you.

Thank you.

BOTH: Thank you for dining at
JV Martzoukas.

Where you're family.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ROSIE: So cute! So cute!

GREG: Wow.

I mean, I genuinely think you
should go into business together.

It was actually really clever
of Jason, wasn't it,

to start speaking absolute bullshit?

Stall. Because it just slowed
it all down so beautifully.

So clever.

We've not seen that side of
you before, Jason. No.

The clever side?

I didn't mean it like that.

Listen, asshole. Uh-oh.

It was great.
I loved hearing the backstory.

You were so polite.

My favourite
line of the whole thing,

and I know that you were
genuinely proud of yourself,

when you went,
"I've already made it!"

STEVIE:I was! I really was!
APPLAUSE

What a delight it was to be in the
company of this wonderful
family-run business.

Now, I like to be even-handed,

so I'm looking forward
to seeing the next one,

and I don't think that it will
necessarily be

an absolute shit show.

Well, we're here already.

The trophy ceremony is coming,

but let's not forget someone will
also be strutting home

with some mannequin legs in a bin

and the physical manifestation
of a period.

You say what you
want about this show,

but we are classy as fuck.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, hello!

Welcome back and here we go,
the final part of the series.

I know, and if I knew how to cry,
I would cry.

The Taskmaster drive-through is open

and we've already seen
Javie Martzoukas selling their wares.

Now for the team of three, who are
obviously at a big advantage.

They just had to control
one station each,

so I dread to think how much they're
going to show up the other team.

LAUGHTER
Let's see.

FATIHA WHEEZES
Hi, there.

Can I have some warm bread
sandwich please?

Of course you can.

So, where's the fries, though?

I fea-... I wonder... I worry.

OVER RADIO: I worry I shouldn't
have been in here cos I...

You all right? All right.

I'm with a customer. Shut up.

What the hell?

OK, listen up.

I need a warm bread sandwich
with butter on the outside

in a pentagon shape.

And I also need fizzy milk...Hello?
HE RINGS BELL

..in a small size.

Hello? Hello!

OK, got that, thank you,
Roger, over.

Mat... Where do I pay?

£8.55.

So you were the pentagon... Um...

Yeah, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

Hello, sir. Hello.

How can I help you, sir?
Can I have a burnt toast?

Yes, of course.

"Fast food," they said.

Uh, so that's also...

Sorry! One moment, sir.

£8.55, please.Right.
DING!

There's your change, sir.
OK, where do I go?

Um, if you'd like to just reverse
back up to the food counter,

that's where the food is.

Well, I know that's where they're
preparing the food.

That's where I get it as well, is it?

Where would you like it, sir?

Well, where they deliver it.

Where would you like it?

Thank you so much for your help.

OK. You're welcome.
Have a good day. Bye.

I'll reverse if you want me to.

No, don't reverse, cos there's
another customer coming.

FATIHA BOOMING OVER RADIO:
OK, this is what we need.

We need a slice of burnt toast
and a drizzle of milk.

HE KNOCKS ON DOME
Sorry... Where do I go?

Mat, your... Sorry, Mathew,
where do I get the food?

Mathew?

Is that still milk, dirty milk,
or is it just normal still milk?

Hello.

You just head on round there, sir.
Just round there, is it?

OK. Yeah. Right, thank you.

There you go. Enjoy your meal, sir.

Ten ice cubes in a tower.

OK.

BELL RINGS

Your toast's coming!
It's just getting burnt!

How's it going, guys?

Thank you so much.

Going well, thanks.

Coming! This isn't burnt.

Sorry, is...? It's raining out here.

I've got the ice.
Who ordered the ice?

Ah, no. Oh, that's me.

OK, there you go.
Thank you very much.

FATIHA: I need one small
flour castle with a moat.

Just making sure the toast is nice
and burnt for you. Oh, OK thank you.

You OK? Yeah, I'm just
doing this flour castle.

Was it the small flour castle
with the moat, sir?

Yes, it was, yeah.

Mat, listen, the guy's
a little bit lairy, innit?

OVER RADIO: So if he starts giving
it, just call me, I'll come round.

99p, please, sir. Perfect.

There you are, sir.
Thank you so much.

Rosie, the guy's asking
for the moat,

and I told him it's
the size of your hand.

What is a moat?

RINGING BELL
Hello?

How you getting on with
the burnt toast?

It's busy burning.

That person came through
ten minutes ago. What is going on?

MAN: I'm going.

Ah, Mathew. Is it Mathew?

One moment, sir.

Good afternoon, sir.
Hello, again. Hello.

Sorry, sir, there was a...

..another guy waiting, actually,
for some burnt toast.

Oh, he got quite irate
and he had to dash.

OVER RADIO:
I've got another customer,

so I need toast
that actually looks like soldiers.

I need steamed bread...

There you are, sir. Thank you.

..homemade confetti,
small dirty water.

ROSIE: A small dirty water?

Hello? Hello?

Guys, am I doing an actual soldier

or is it the soldiers that you
dip in your dippy eggs?

No, it's an actual soldier.

Like, what do you mean?
What does a soldier look like?

Well, I guess if there's
a sense of limbs...

BELLS RING
Hello?

Does that look like anyone's small
dirty water and steamed bread?

Chewy milk and toast that looks like
soldiers. Yeah. Sorry for your wait.

Ah! Thank you.

FATIHA: Guys, there's no
more customers left,

do you want me
to come and help you?

Think they're all, um...

They're all happy at the moment.

Think we might be done.

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done. Well done.

Where do I start?

I mean, I think maybe the guy
on the till is a stoner?

Yeah!

MATHEW: I was really fixated that it
was going to be judged on

the accuracy of the pricing...

It's part of it.

..and so I really didn't want
to get the maths wrong.

And I've never...
So what were you doing down there?

You were adding things...?
I was adding, yeah.

Cos you seemed so still.

I was trying to be deliberate
in my thoughts and emotions.

APPLAUSE

You, turning on your
team from the start.

"I'm with a customer, shut up."

"Guy's getting a bit lairy."

I think if this had been
further into the series,

we wouldn't have put
Fatiha in a front-facing role.

The team of three
did take a lot longer,

cos we only had two of those bicycles

and we were meant to go round
in a loop each time,

but one of us had to use
a scooter in the end

because there was such a delay.

LAUGHTER

Um, average wait time of
31 seconds, team of two.

Average wait time of 2 minutes 41
for the team of three.

What they didn't do was
any prep beforehand,

whereas the other team
had everything -

the toast was already burning.
Everything was ready.

Whereas you were trying to burn
the toast for 16 minutes.

MATHEW: One customer left.
JASON: Did you say 16 minutes?

Yeah, well, it kept popping up,

then you'd leave it for quite
a while, then pop it down. Really?

The thing about us is we won't
compromise on quality.

That is one thing we won't do.

GREG: Obviously the team
of two were superior.

Five points to the team of two.

Hmm.

Four.

Bullshit.

No! It wasn't that bad.

There's gotta be more of
a gulf than that. It was chaos.

Give 'em three points each.

OK. Team of three get three,

team of two get five points
and wins the task. Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, everyone. This is it.

Please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the series!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I hoped we'd end on something big.

Who is going to read
the final task out?

Stevie is going to read
the final task.

OK.

"Get the most carrot in
your bucket.

"You must hold your hands behind
your back at all times.

"You have 100 seconds."

Yes, I should say
the carrot in the bucket

must be liberated
from its string and helmet.

You can't just lean down,
as I imagine most of you...

Oh, so it's got to be
freed in some way.

It must be free. OK.

Good luck. It's the climax.
WHISTLE

ROSIE: Oh, my God. What?

Oh!

Can you...? Can you do this?

It must be liberated.

CHEERING
Jason's done it.

APPLAUSE

It must be...
Has it got to be off the string?

Yes. It must be off the string.

It's got to be off the string.
Oh, fuck off!

STEVIE SCREAMS

Come on, you little bugger.

Only 53 seconds left.

MATHEW: Whoa.

Just... Oh, God!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, my word.

Oh, lovely!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

30 seconds. Yes, Stevie!

CHEERING

No!

20 seconds.

They've both got a bit
of carrot in their mouth.

What's going to happen now?

Ten seconds. Bite into it.

Bite into it and spit it out.

Oh!

Two, one...

WHISTLE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, Rosie!

She's licking it.

Hasn't the whistle gone?

Are we all finished?

Yeah, we finished
a little while ago, Rosie.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

GREG: We'll add those
to your final scores.

Come down and join me.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Exactly what we were hoping for.

So, it was meant to be
most carrot in the bucket.

It turned out to be more of a race,

because Jason used his technique
of MILD violence this time

to manage to shake off the whole
carrot almost immediately.

With speed and amount of
carrot taken into account,

Jason got the five points,
Stevie four, Mat three,

Rosie two, and Fatiha one point.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, it's been a strong episode
for Javie Martzoukas.

Jason ends up in second place
with 20 points,

but Stevie wins the episode with 22!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Stevie wins the episode!

Please double-back to the stage

and take your things that will make
you double-take!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whoo!

Well, well, well.

Our journey is at an end.

Five entered this arena,
ready to give everything,

and everything they have given.

But who is about to
be crowned Task Supremo?

My faithful, featureless
little sausage dog,

please reveal the final scores.

OK, then. Well, it's been full on.

It's been a bit much for me.

But we have, in last place...

She was in second briefly.

..with 141 points,

it's the magnificent Fatiha!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And just above her in fourth place...

She was in second
for most of the series,

but a real slump at the end.

..with 149 points, it's Rosie Ramsey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that's because one person
has climbed above you by one point.

He was last for nearly
the entirety of the series,

but Jason Mantzoukas has
150 points in third place!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Only two left.

With 154 points,

but she won this episode,

in second place, it's Stevie Martin!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And the winner, 15 points ahead,
with 169 points...

Our new Taskmaster champion is...

..Mathew Baynton!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media