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New English translation and subtitles
for the Russian original-version from 2012.
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By 'Herman the German' on behalf of the
'Hepster Bros. World Domination Department'
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RZHEVSKY VERSUS NAPOLEON
(AKA NAPOLEON IS KAPUTT (BROKEN))
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PAVEL DEREVYANKO - LIEUTENANT
RZHEVSKY / COUNTESS RZHEVSKA…
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VLADIMIR ZELENSKY - NAPOLEON BONAPARTE…
(OR JUST 'BONYA')
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SVETLANA KHODCHENKOVA - NATASHA
ROSTOVA… (MISS EUROPE 1810)
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MARAT BASHAROV - PRINCE
BAGRATYON OF ABKHAZIA.
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MIKHAIL GALUSTYAN -
MARQUIS DE MAZOSAD 'JUNIOR'.
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VLADIMIR SIMONOV - GENERAL KUTUZOV.
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MIKHAIL EFREMOV - COUNT TOLSTOY.
(OR JUST 'CLASSIC')
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SVETLANA KHODCHENKOVA
- CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD.
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KSENIYA SOBCHAK - SHU-SHU…
(THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN)
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DMITRY MUKHAMEDEV - MARSHAL NEY (THE GAY)
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Our story, ladies and
gentlemen, begins in Paris.
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At that time, Paris was known
as the capital of the world.
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-While Moscow fell in times of ruin,
-in Paris reigned the famous Napoleon.
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Meet the French Emperor,
Napoleon Bonaparte.
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A brilliant strategist,
first-rate commander…
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And a great lover of women.
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THE 'CANNON'
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Sir, I don't want to bother you, but...
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My horse!
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Hurrah!
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Hurrah!
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Hurrah!
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But the great Emperor had one small flaw.
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For such a big personality,
he had a very small shoe size.
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It caused him a horrible complex.
And this complex would drive
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the Corsican all across 'Schengen
Europe', from state to state.
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'Size does not matter', he said...
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And he won on all fronts.
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And in love too, of course.
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Love makes the world go round!
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Or, to put it in modern terms; Libido.
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So driven by an insatiable libido,
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this midget and enslaver
arrived in the country,
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where there lived the most
beautiful women in the world.
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But here, his libido would soon be clipped.
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WELCOME TO RUSSIA
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Hurrah! Russia!
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-Yes, yes!
-Field Marshal, Sir,
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-the French are at the gates of Moscow.
-Dismiss!
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What do you say, my gentlemen officers?
If we fight now, we lose an army.
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If we lose the capital, we lose our honor.
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I suggest, lose the honor.
Your Excellency, why do we need Moscow?
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The capital has no gas mains, no
gasoline, not even oxygen to breathe!
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But congestion in the streets!
Yet the Kremlin without the 'Tzar's Bell'
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wouldn't be acceptable, but, as
you know, nobody is able to move it!
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All right.
We will allow the enemy taking the capital!
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Cheers to that!
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I just think, that Napoleon won't
be satisfied just seizing Moscow.
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He will move on, to the Urals.
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I want to bog him down in Moscow
all the way to the tops of his boots.
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Any Ideas?
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How about sending a spy?
With our women he will be bogged down.
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We have already sent women many times.
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Napoleon's conversation
with a woman is short. Look.
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Here we go.
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So, now we have to pay her compensation.
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-And this is the result.
-So, our spy
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must be a super woman.
She must be able to get him hooked,
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-and not get pregnant.
-I have an idea.
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Madam, how many times must I tell you that
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I can't go on for so long
without taking a breath!
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Lieutenant Rzhevsky?
Pack up your things, Lieutenant!
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You're going with me.
Personal order of the Tzar!
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Aha! That's how it is.
And where was the Tzar,
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when they threw me into this hell?
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-Shall I take out the roast?
-Get out, you fool!
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-And why did it happen?
-Why?
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-You overslept the battle!
-The task was weighing on me heavily
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the order of raising the
birth rate of the state!
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Enough!
There's no need, to dig up the past.
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The fatherland is in danger. And it's
your job to defend the home country.
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Home country...
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The home country is my weakness.
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In short, the 'High Command'
has issued an order…
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To keep Napoleon in Moscow at any costs.
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-That's it.
-But it requires a woman.
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-And who is it?
-You!
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-Me?
-Yes!
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I'm a Russian officer and I should
change every day my pants for panties?
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-Never!
-I understand. It is difficult.
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-But it is necessary for the fatherland.
-And for the fatherland, I now
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-have to park my horse screwy?
-It's war!
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-Well, each stands at it's own front.
-So you even may order me
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to give myself away to Bonaparte?
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If there is such an order, you'll obey!
After you fulfilled the task,
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you will be awarded a medal.
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'Flowers in the sun, my Georgia!'
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I will throw a party for you!
Lamb chops barbeque...
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What kind of country is this?
Only with a medal,
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-is a man's work rewarded.
-And? Do you accept?
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Lieutenant!
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All agreed, just take me out of here!
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And here we are in the Kremlin,
the most elite neighborhood.
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The parking for coaches is just five
minutes away. Quiet neighbors, very quiet.
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Security is almost perfect.
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In the entire history of the Kremlin,
only two kings have been killed here.
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Let's go inside, Sir. The floor is parquet.
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All new plumbing. The bathroom is separate.
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The bathroom is on the
first floor, toilet on the third.
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It's nice, really nice, if
only it were a little cheaper!
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This is not Paris, this is Moscow.
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Imperial bed, another
advantage of this option.
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Would you like to try out the mattress?
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Shu-shu!
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Look at the other rooms
now, I will review the bedroom.
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If you shake on it now, I'll demonstrate
the innerspring mattress to you.
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OK, it's a deal!
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-Hello, 'Left-hand'!
-Sir, I'm not deaf.
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-I'm cross-eyed.
-Forgive me, son, I always forget.
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It's our pride.
Many years of research, did cost
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millions of the budget.
Hundreds of the best minds,
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worked on this specimen.
The 'cap of invisibility', gentlemen!
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It needs further work!
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The 'unfolding sword'!
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-Goldfish?
-Yes.
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-Three wishes?
-No, this one grants only one.
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-It's damaged.
-The 'flying carpet'.
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Let's go!
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00:11:34,883 --> 00:11:37,216
Do you have a 'magical tablecloth'?
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Ah!
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So... where's the vodka?
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00:11:46,380 --> 00:11:49,721
We have only the
non-alcoholic version left.
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I do not know what this is,
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but I feel that I'll need it for security.
Give me fifty.
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Fifty-one.
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Lieutenant!
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Well, it's time, get into the cannon.
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'The cannon' in what
sense, your Excellency?
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Towards Moscow we'll
adjust it and then; Fire!
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What do you mean by 'fire'?
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Flames will be blazing
out of the gun barrel!
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As soon as you'll get there, find
a man who's called 'the Count'.
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He heads the resistance.
He will give you further instructions.
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I do not agree. Take me back.
I will not go into the cannon!
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-Lieutenant! Lieutenant!
-Where are you?
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-Lieutenant! Lieutenant!
-Lieutenant! Take me with you.
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I've got divorced from my husband,
now I do completely belong to you.
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-Fire! -Take me with you.
-Fire, Fire!
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Dear Muscovites, and
uninvited guests of our city.
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For a few roubles you can
join in on this exclusive tour,
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of our capital before the great fire.
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I swear, by my mother, I didn't see.
Yesterday I checked it,
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and now the seal is gone.
Please, let's go home, we'll talk!
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My bollocks! You bastards!
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As soon as I'll get there,
I'll make you pay for this!
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I need your clothes.
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Hasta la vista, woman.
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Yes, this is Rzhevsky.
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Ah... Oh...
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COUNT L.N. TOLSTOY: WAR AND PEACE.
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-Count Lev Nikolayevich, you?
-Do you know me?
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Sure, your portrait had been printed,
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-even in my fifth-grade textbook.
-So you recognize me? Well done!
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00:17:50,914 --> 00:17:53,954
Well, you are the man
from the 'High Command'?
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Yes, Lieutenant Rzhevsky,
ready for the task.
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-Vaat should I do?
-What?
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00:18:00,177 --> 00:18:03,627
-I'm asking, vaat should I do?
-First, you must pronounce correctly.
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00:18:03,717 --> 00:18:07,976
-'What', not 'vaat'.
-Do not mess with a lady, grandpa!
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You're a 'lady', you think you are?
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Scarecrow! Did you see yourself
in the mirror? Barnyard hen!
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00:18:14,466 --> 00:18:17,824
Look out! Don't insult me,
old man, or I'll smash your face,
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so that you'll confuse
yourself with Alexey!
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Demyan!
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I remember you complaining, that for
three years you haven't had a woman.
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-So what?
-Do you want her? Take her!
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This scarecrow? Lord, forgive me!
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00:18:34,292 --> 00:18:39,092
No, not that one! I'd be rather alone
for another three years, or even ten.
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You've got it? Do you still
want to go like this to Napoleon?
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'Bonjour, bonjour' Count.
'Comment ca va?' Long time, no see.
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'Bonjour', Madam. I apologize, my peasant
boots wouldn't allow me to come here.
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The war.
Yes, war does terrible things to people.
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Count, you seem to
suffer from a bad taste...
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Who is this scarecrow with you?
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00:19:12,053 --> 00:19:15,490
I'm relying on your
professional skills, Madam.
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00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:18,867
This auntie must be
turned into a princess.
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00:19:21,453 --> 00:19:25,476
-How many years do I have?
-Three hours!
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00:19:35,304 --> 00:19:39,033
First of all, men require
attractive packaging.
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00:19:52,409 --> 00:19:56,285
Here I am with a pair of
wings, coming close to you...
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Coming close to you...
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00:20:07,592 --> 00:20:12,064
My love did put away with vanity...
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00:20:12,329 --> 00:20:15,183
With vanity...
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00:20:26,975 --> 00:20:33,169
Oh, this time by a single pair of wings...
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00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:35,700
Lips, lips, lips.
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00:20:35,790 --> 00:20:39,796
Lips are ladies' only weapon of
love, which are not covered by clothing.
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00:20:39,886 --> 00:20:43,598
And most important is not
what, but how they are speaking.
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00:20:54,176 --> 00:20:59,735
We have to charm, deceive, manipulate, but
most important, under all circumstances,
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00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:02,425
you mustn't let the
bumblebees land on your flowers.
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00:21:02,515 --> 00:21:05,668
Sorry, I don't understand botany,
to hell with the bumblebees.
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00:21:05,758 --> 00:21:07,823
If some will land, so be it.
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00:21:07,913 --> 00:21:10,303
Don't you understand
the metaphor, Lieutenant?
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00:21:10,393 --> 00:21:13,249
You have no nectar!
Well, you'll understand one day!
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00:21:13,339 --> 00:21:16,801
So, Countess Rzhevska,
from now on, the fate of Russia
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00:21:16,906 --> 00:21:19,541
is resting in your hands!
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00:22:19,724 --> 00:22:22,546
Girls, what a lucky day!
198
00:22:22,651 --> 00:22:25,464
They say Rzhevsky is back!
199
00:22:27,549 --> 00:22:29,795
Not a word about me. Not a word...
200
00:22:29,885 --> 00:22:33,647
-Ney, who is this Rzhevsky?
-A pretender, my Emperor.
201
00:22:33,753 --> 00:22:38,096
A love-hero from local folklore and wives'
tales. Don't pay any attention to him.
202
00:22:38,186 --> 00:22:40,621
Ney, why isn't anyone inviting me to dance?
203
00:22:40,711 --> 00:22:43,601
You're a general. Do something!
204
00:22:43,707 --> 00:22:46,523
Go on, try it. Now you will surely succeed.
205
00:22:46,613 --> 00:22:49,595
Countess Rzhevska and Count Tolstoy!
206
00:23:16,029 --> 00:23:19,357
-Son of a bitch...
-Countess, you are a decent lady.
207
00:23:19,455 --> 00:23:22,009
-Curse in French!
-Do you have a plan?
208
00:23:22,114 --> 00:23:24,906
Why so close?
I'm going to flirt with Napoleon.
209
00:23:24,996 --> 00:23:29,193
Lieutenant, you're a woman.
You don't flirt, you only hang around
210
00:23:29,299 --> 00:23:34,291
Leo Nikolayevich, your chauvinism makes
me want to throw myself under a train.
211
00:23:38,824 --> 00:23:41,078
I'm sorry!
212
00:24:31,745 --> 00:24:36,105
Madam, your appearance here
greatly pleases Napoleon Bonaparte.
213
00:24:36,211 --> 00:24:39,779
Then I wish him health.
And what's your name, young man?
214
00:24:39,869 --> 00:24:43,721
I am the Emperor of
France, Napoleon Bonaparte.
215
00:24:43,826 --> 00:24:46,997
Wow! I'm sorry, I was not aware!
216
00:24:47,102 --> 00:24:50,842
Politics doesn't interest me, but
if there's a true lover in the room,
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00:24:50,932 --> 00:24:53,847
I can detect it by the smell.
218
00:24:54,777 --> 00:24:57,010
I'm pleasantly surprised, Madam.
219
00:24:57,100 --> 00:24:59,559
Usually, I'm the one who
makes such statements.
220
00:24:59,649 --> 00:25:01,497
This is Moscow, you funny boy.
221
00:25:01,587 --> 00:25:03,320
Here we are all predators!
222
00:25:03,419 --> 00:25:06,255
You must tell me, where
did you get that hat?
223
00:25:06,345 --> 00:25:10,439
-This is an original 'Armani'.
-Stop bragging, Emperor.
224
00:25:10,544 --> 00:25:13,298
Gee, how I like you. What's this?
225
00:25:15,242 --> 00:25:17,385
Well, all right.
226
00:25:52,756 --> 00:25:56,676
Madam, I am overjoyed.
My life is often threatened,
227
00:25:56,782 --> 00:26:01,282
but never I was rescued by
such a fragile creature like you.
228
00:26:10,824 --> 00:26:13,255
What a job...
229
00:26:14,313 --> 00:26:16,685
What a woman! 'Mon bonefique!'
230
00:26:16,790 --> 00:26:21,263
Steel, power, nature, Russia.
I've never had that.
231
00:26:21,369 --> 00:26:26,103
A drink for courage.
Another against the complex.
232
00:26:27,107 --> 00:26:29,539
A glass for the voice.
233
00:26:54,522 --> 00:26:58,693
-Where am I?
-...Is what me personally amazes the most.
234
00:27:01,850 --> 00:27:05,033
-Who am I?
-Rzhevsky, Ivan Ivanovich.
235
00:27:05,138 --> 00:27:07,315
Born near Samara.
236
00:27:07,421 --> 00:27:12,879
Yes... you got drunk
yesterday, Lieutenant, like a pig.
237
00:27:12,985 --> 00:27:15,852
First you thought, you were Marilyn Monroe.
238
00:27:18,185 --> 00:27:20,786
Then you did a striptease.
239
00:27:22,752 --> 00:27:26,787
And then you danced the
cancan until three in the morning.
240
00:27:30,521 --> 00:27:32,859
'IN MOSCOW: A NEW CINDERELLA!'
241
00:27:33,142 --> 00:27:37,379
-I do not remember.
-Look in the mirror! Look at you!
242
00:27:37,750 --> 00:27:40,928
-Have you lost your mind?
-What?
243
00:27:42,386 --> 00:27:45,882
It started last night,
as always, quite well.
244
00:27:45,988 --> 00:27:49,443
-Hello?
-After the ball, you wanted to go to relax.
245
00:27:49,549 --> 00:27:52,184
You relaxed yourself in a brothel.
246
00:27:58,569 --> 00:28:02,665
If only you could have stopped,
but no, you went to the Gypsies.
247
00:28:04,130 --> 00:28:09,283
Three times you were gone,
and three times you came back.
248
00:28:09,388 --> 00:28:12,104
You were out there
singing, playing, crying,
249
00:28:12,194 --> 00:28:15,728
you promised to marry the
the Gypsy baron's daughter.
250
00:28:15,833 --> 00:28:19,989
He was telling you for two
hours, that it was no daughter,
251
00:28:20,079 --> 00:28:24,087
but his son.
You spent a lot of money from the budget.
252
00:28:26,422 --> 00:28:28,588
Goldfish!
253
00:28:28,970 --> 00:28:32,152
'You have one wish to be fulfilled.'
254
00:28:32,257 --> 00:28:36,620
Make that my head will stop aching!
255
00:28:42,710 --> 00:28:46,945
-And?
-It's good!
256
00:28:48,442 --> 00:28:50,568
Nikolayevich...
257
00:28:51,500 --> 00:28:55,100
And this is, as you say, only
a love-hero of wives' tales?
258
00:28:55,190 --> 00:28:59,945
Rzhevsky is back! Today confirmed by:
259
00:29:00,035 --> 00:29:02,593
The head of school of virtuous virgins
260
00:29:02,698 --> 00:29:05,365
and gypsies Zara and Aza, independently.
261
00:29:08,987 --> 00:29:12,241
This is real glory! And where am I?
262
00:29:12,987 --> 00:29:15,814
You think I'm just a dumb soldier?
263
00:29:15,919 --> 00:29:18,692
No, my Emperor, you
are a great military leader.
264
00:29:18,782 --> 00:29:21,304
-How boring this is!
-My Lord, hit me too.
265
00:29:21,394 --> 00:29:25,724
How many times? I... I just want to be,
266
00:29:25,830 --> 00:29:28,586
on the record of the greatest lovers!
267
00:29:36,805 --> 00:29:39,589
My god, how nice he walks!
268
00:29:48,924 --> 00:29:52,695
-Madam, are you okay?
-Bad hangover!
269
00:29:53,681 --> 00:29:57,614
-I see. How can I help?
-Tonight I have to be as fresh,
270
00:29:57,754 --> 00:30:01,054
-as an eighth-grader.
-Unfortunately, we don't do reincarnations.
271
00:30:01,144 --> 00:30:04,724
But I can suggest; Mask, peeling, waxing.
272
00:30:04,829 --> 00:30:08,541
-All that and a bottle of mineral water.
-It will be done.
273
00:30:55,414 --> 00:30:59,283
How nice to be a woman!
274
00:31:01,340 --> 00:31:05,664
It hurts! I'll tell you anything,
addresses, passwords, answers,
275
00:31:05,770 --> 00:31:09,756
-but no more intimate waxing!
-Don't be afraid, just one second!
276
00:31:09,846 --> 00:31:14,534
No! Yes! Please! Don't!
277
00:31:29,674 --> 00:31:31,778
Faster!
278
00:31:46,205 --> 00:31:50,263
-Tell me, please, who is that girl?
-This is Natasha Rostova.
279
00:31:50,368 --> 00:31:54,544
Miss Europe of 1810.
Second place, after Norway.
280
00:31:55,362 --> 00:31:57,534
Go, go...
281
00:32:07,465 --> 00:32:10,082
Listen, guy, I need your clothes.
282
00:32:10,187 --> 00:32:12,320
Come on, take them off quickly.
283
00:32:12,461 --> 00:32:16,526
This room is for men only.
Ladies are next door.
284
00:32:17,058 --> 00:32:20,796
I never go wrong with the door. Chauvinist!
285
00:32:20,902 --> 00:32:24,413
Come on, take them off. Didn't you hear me?
286
00:32:24,919 --> 00:32:27,116
Take them off!
287
00:32:27,222 --> 00:32:30,694
Listen, my name is Jean-Claude Van Damme.
I am also known
288
00:32:30,784 --> 00:32:34,034
as the 'Muscles from Brussels'.
289
00:32:34,139 --> 00:32:36,951
Yes, I recognize you.
290
00:32:37,056 --> 00:32:39,511
Take off your pants, I say!
291
00:32:39,651 --> 00:32:43,526
It seems to me, that you
have to get out of here.
292
00:32:43,616 --> 00:32:46,347
-Okay. I recognize you.
-You do?
293
00:32:46,452 --> 00:32:48,157
-Yeah!
-Thanks.
294
00:32:48,262 --> 00:32:51,834
Yeah, but... take your fucking pants off!
295
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:54,468
Now!
296
00:32:56,598 --> 00:33:00,761
Well, if you insist, I will
now show you my punch!
297
00:33:09,452 --> 00:33:12,165
What, it's not true? Come on!
298
00:33:13,264 --> 00:33:16,231
Watch out!
299
00:33:26,151 --> 00:33:31,186
I asked kindly. Well, 'au revoir'!
300
00:33:32,936 --> 00:33:37,571
Why the fuck I came to Russia? A nightmare!
301
00:33:42,956 --> 00:33:46,900
-Whose are you?
-Maximus! There you are, bastard.
302
00:33:47,005 --> 00:33:51,270
Excuse me, Miss. But Maximus since
he was a puppy is drawn towards beauty.
303
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:55,865
He is yours? Yes.
A dangerous hooligan, and debaucher.
304
00:33:55,955 --> 00:33:57,427
What a miracle!
305
00:33:57,532 --> 00:34:01,366
-The miracle is you, Natalia.
-How do you know my name?
306
00:34:01,471 --> 00:34:04,890
Who doesn't know the real Miss Europe?
The Norwegian ice-cube
307
00:34:04,980 --> 00:34:08,206
can't match even the
little toes on your feet.
308
00:34:08,311 --> 00:34:11,861
-So you are Lieutenant Rzhevsky?
-You know, the feeling won't leave me
309
00:34:11,951 --> 00:34:14,225
that we somewhere have met before.
310
00:34:14,315 --> 00:34:17,048
Yes, your face also looks familiar to me.
311
00:34:18,915 --> 00:34:23,215
August 1808, Turkey.
Aboard the 'Oligarch Aladdin',
312
00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:26,321
-'All-inclusive'.
-No, this summer I was in Vienna,
313
00:34:26,411 --> 00:34:29,057
for a demonstration against global cooling.
314
00:34:29,147 --> 00:34:32,831
Where hundreds of naked women
marched past the Royal Palace?
315
00:34:32,921 --> 00:34:36,073
I hurried over there!
But unfortunately, I was too late.
316
00:34:36,163 --> 00:34:38,863
I'm sorry.
You would have enjoyed the sight, I'm sure.
317
00:34:38,953 --> 00:34:41,439
-I can imagine.
-Excuse me,
318
00:34:41,544 --> 00:34:44,637
-anything else?
-Get me something stronger. And the lady?
319
00:34:44,727 --> 00:34:48,119
-The lady is about to go.
-Natalie, please do not go!
320
00:34:48,218 --> 00:34:51,446
It's war, strayed bullets
whistle above our heads.
321
00:34:51,552 --> 00:34:56,434
Two lonely souls meet again in
this chaos of senseless violence,
322
00:34:56,539 --> 00:35:00,176
unfulfilled dreams of a long courtship. But
323
00:35:00,281 --> 00:35:03,031
-there is no time.
-Lieutenant, I've lost your thread.
324
00:35:03,121 --> 00:35:07,025
-What are you saying?
-Natasha, I suggest we go to your home!
325
00:35:07,455 --> 00:35:10,598
So, all I heard about you, is true?
326
00:35:10,704 --> 00:35:13,748
-Just an ordinary lady-killer.
-What can I do, Natalie?
327
00:35:13,838 --> 00:35:17,643
I'm the love-hero of folklore.
I can't do otherwise.
328
00:35:27,185 --> 00:35:29,513
Just try harder!
329
00:35:38,416 --> 00:35:42,734
-Countess Rzhevska?
-I suppose. To whom do I have the pleasure?
330
00:35:42,839 --> 00:35:45,658
My name is Marquis de Mazosad.
331
00:35:45,763 --> 00:35:48,901
Tell me, did you
accidentally lose last night
332
00:35:49,006 --> 00:35:52,351
-this extraordinary shoe - size 46?
-Lord Marquis!
333
00:35:52,456 --> 00:35:55,544
I never wore such a vulgarity.
334
00:35:56,063 --> 00:35:59,729
-What's the matter, guys?
-Put her in the coach!
335
00:35:59,819 --> 00:36:02,436
-Masochist!
-Cheap whore!
336
00:36:02,542 --> 00:36:04,859
Why am I accused? Because I have big bones?
337
00:36:04,949 --> 00:36:09,770
This is biological discrimination.
I'll complain! I'll scratch and bite!
338
00:36:09,875 --> 00:36:15,153
Bastards! 'Oh, Magadan!
I'm off to Magadan'.
339
00:36:29,580 --> 00:36:32,972
You're pretending!
You can't do any harm to me, frog!
340
00:38:27,769 --> 00:38:31,353
A THOUSAND AND ONE APOLOGIES.
YOUR GREAT FRENCH ADMIRER.
341
00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:45,049
Madam... I am very glad to see you.
342
00:41:18,018 --> 00:41:20,680
What are your favorite fantasies?
343
00:41:20,785 --> 00:41:25,336
Nothing special.
I want a plain female happiness.
344
00:41:26,384 --> 00:41:32,192
A family, a bunch of
kids and lots of friends…
345
00:41:33,257 --> 00:41:37,082
-Beautiful. And you?
-Me?
346
00:41:37,187 --> 00:41:39,917
-Now, I will show you!
-Go ahead!
347
00:41:51,006 --> 00:41:53,759
NAPOLEON.
348
00:41:55,133 --> 00:41:57,064
Unbelievable!
349
00:42:19,552 --> 00:42:23,708
Have you seen this?
Why it's not me on this cover?
350
00:42:23,813 --> 00:42:26,893
The list of victories
of the lover-lieutenant
351
00:42:26,998 --> 00:42:31,008
today included the female
members of the police
352
00:42:31,113 --> 00:42:35,070
and the entire choir of the St.
Helena convent.
353
00:42:36,191 --> 00:42:41,544
How will I probably look like in
the eyes of Countess Rzhevska?
354
00:42:41,649 --> 00:42:44,418
-Like a complete loser?
-My Emperor,
355
00:42:44,523 --> 00:42:49,005
we think, you pay too much
attention to this Russian courtesan.
356
00:42:49,110 --> 00:42:51,860
Next time, I'll take a screwdriver!
357
00:42:51,965 --> 00:42:55,245
-Sir, next time, it's my turn.
-Carry on!
358
00:42:55,351 --> 00:42:58,719
Today we were supposed to
start the advance to the Urals.
359
00:42:58,809 --> 00:43:01,347
-Why haven't you started?
-You did not come!
360
00:43:01,437 --> 00:43:03,966
Really? Tell my favorite army,
361
00:43:04,071 --> 00:43:07,186
the offensive to the Urals
begins the day after tomorrow.
362
00:43:07,276 --> 00:43:11,032
-Hurrah, the Urals!
-Sir, why not tomorrow?
363
00:43:11,137 --> 00:43:14,437
Tomorrow I'm not available.
It's my anniversary with the Countess.
364
00:43:14,527 --> 00:43:17,254
We've now been together for two months.
365
00:43:17,598 --> 00:43:20,940
'THE FRIENDS OF THE DUEL CLUB…'
366
00:43:22,640 --> 00:43:25,916
'COURSES FOR YOUNG DUELISTS'
367
00:44:02,617 --> 00:44:04,978
This is for you! For our anniversary!
368
00:44:05,068 --> 00:44:07,779
-Do you like it?
-Just crazy!
369
00:44:07,884 --> 00:44:10,963
Thank you, baby, I will pray for your sins.
370
00:44:11,069 --> 00:44:14,008
Pray for me tomorrow…
371
00:44:15,206 --> 00:44:19,111
-We will begin the attack on the Urals.
-Why the Urals?
372
00:44:19,201 --> 00:44:23,778
We did not come to Russia for nothing.
We've got work to do.
373
00:44:23,868 --> 00:44:27,569
What will happen to me?
Will you leave me here?
374
00:44:27,675 --> 00:44:29,654
Alone!
375
00:44:34,154 --> 00:44:36,580
This crockery is from my grandma.
376
00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:41,186
Lord, what a fool I am! You are so selfish!
377
00:44:41,292 --> 00:44:44,578
Because of you, I've risked it all!
In the eyes of society,
378
00:44:44,668 --> 00:44:47,750
your hands are put into my panties.
379
00:44:51,777 --> 00:44:54,753
'Mon Cher'! 'Mon Cher'!
I'm prepared to swallow
380
00:44:54,843 --> 00:44:57,884
half of the world, like an
apple, just for the chance
381
00:44:57,974 --> 00:45:01,622
-to think of your panties.
-Think about it. I don't mind.
382
00:45:01,852 --> 00:45:04,964
Who do you think you are!
383
00:45:05,070 --> 00:45:09,363
Countess, I invite you to
accompany me, attacking on the Urals.
384
00:45:09,468 --> 00:45:15,573
What Urals, Bonya? Do you think, you
can just call me to Chechnya for a dance!
385
00:45:15,678 --> 00:45:19,197
-But, baby!
-What 'baby'?
386
00:45:19,302 --> 00:45:24,264
It would never come to my mind, to move to
the countryside for your stupid victories.
387
00:45:24,354 --> 00:45:29,843
Is there anything in your
office without your sneaky face?
388
00:45:41,223 --> 00:45:43,967
Where are you going? Where to?
389
00:45:49,979 --> 00:45:53,111
Bunny, don't be angry!
390
00:45:54,375 --> 00:45:57,720
Do you want me to postpone
the offensive for a week?
391
00:46:00,418 --> 00:46:03,465
-You really would postpone it?
-Of course.
392
00:46:03,571 --> 00:46:06,575
Just don't be angry.
393
00:46:07,958 --> 00:46:10,986
You're lucky that I'm not resentful.
394
00:46:21,552 --> 00:46:24,181
Ah, you soldier!
395
00:46:24,366 --> 00:46:28,531
You don't need anything,
except playing war.
396
00:46:30,514 --> 00:46:33,886
All the crockery is smashed.
397
00:46:33,991 --> 00:46:37,959
You'll some buy some new.
You're the Emperor!
398
00:46:42,890 --> 00:46:45,017
WINTER 1812
399
00:46:45,651 --> 00:46:48,921
Good evening, dear friends!
Allow me to introduce
400
00:46:49,026 --> 00:46:53,332
the new collection
'Fall-Winter 1812 - Retreat'.
401
00:46:53,437 --> 00:46:58,015
Thus, the first model in the
collection is called 'uninvited guest'.
402
00:46:58,155 --> 00:47:01,960
Simplicity of style and folk
costume, beautifully combined,
403
00:47:02,066 --> 00:47:05,137
mixing with each other.
The next model is called 'robber'.
404
00:47:05,227 --> 00:47:07,938
Pay attention to the extensive accessories.
405
00:47:08,028 --> 00:47:10,842
The design and form of
the backpack and the bags.
406
00:47:10,932 --> 00:47:14,704
This model is simply called
'eighth-grader-girl'... aha, aha.
407
00:47:14,794 --> 00:47:17,952
She's got lost, she's looking
for her graduation ball.
408
00:47:18,042 --> 00:47:21,123
The next model is called 'innocence'.
409
00:47:21,228 --> 00:47:26,195
I dedicate this model to my Emperor.
410
00:47:26,300 --> 00:47:29,219
The next model is called 'cook'.
411
00:47:29,324 --> 00:47:31,579
A classic dream!
412
00:47:37,720 --> 00:47:41,938
Natalie!
My beauty, I'm so lucky to meet you here.
413
00:47:42,044 --> 00:47:45,668
How do you know my name?
Do we know each other?
414
00:47:47,835 --> 00:47:51,074
Not really.
It's just that when I see such perfection,
415
00:47:51,164 --> 00:47:53,759
I can't resist my female enthusiasm.
416
00:47:53,849 --> 00:47:57,034
Wait! You are Countess
Rzhevska, Napoleon's concubine.
417
00:47:57,124 --> 00:48:01,468
Why so harsh, Natalie? Love is evil.
We fall in love even with tyrants.
418
00:48:01,558 --> 00:48:04,069
I could never fall in love with the enemy.
419
00:48:04,159 --> 00:48:07,855
None of that French perfume, can
compare with a real Russian man,
420
00:48:07,945 --> 00:48:12,101
even if he smells of alcohol and comes
out of the barn without changing clothes.
421
00:48:12,191 --> 00:48:14,795
Shame on you, in the
name all Russian women.
422
00:48:14,885 --> 00:48:18,709
-And on her! Down there!
-This sheep!
423
00:48:23,649 --> 00:48:29,859
Sorry, Natalia, but sometimes
men need to be trained.
424
00:48:52,740 --> 00:48:57,403
-Countess, you are a lesbian, aren't you?
-Why, should I hide it?
425
00:48:57,508 --> 00:49:00,249
Maybe just a little. That much!
426
00:49:43,282 --> 00:49:46,078
Lieutenant, was there
something between us?
427
00:49:46,168 --> 00:49:49,979
-Not until now.
-Lieutenant, I have to admit something.
428
00:49:51,073 --> 00:49:54,110
Yesterday I was
passionately kissing a woman.
429
00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:55,200
Wonderful.
430
00:49:55,290 --> 00:49:58,100
-Did you like it?
-It was a memorable kiss.
431
00:49:58,190 --> 00:50:02,877
I looked into her eyes and, I don't
know why, I was thinking of you.
432
00:50:02,967 --> 00:50:07,722
That's strange. Natasha, it's no secret
to anybody, that I've had a lot of women.
433
00:50:07,812 --> 00:50:10,712
It's more than that.
I've had too many women.
434
00:50:10,813 --> 00:50:13,863
-Lieutenant, do you mock at me?
-I'm just stating the facts.
435
00:50:13,953 --> 00:50:16,988
But since I met you, I've got sick.
436
00:50:17,093 --> 00:50:20,343
I've lost my male sense. Do you understand?
437
00:50:26,348 --> 00:50:28,490
Lieutenant!
438
00:50:31,174 --> 00:50:33,552
Natalie, have you ever
jumped into a haystack
439
00:50:33,642 --> 00:50:36,020
and inhaled the scent
of freshly cut clover?
440
00:50:36,110 --> 00:50:42,046
Yes.
And have you ever had fried eggs with oil?
441
00:50:42,151 --> 00:50:45,873
And then dipped pieces of fresh bread into?
442
00:50:45,978 --> 00:50:49,472
Have you ever been running
beneath a summer rain?
443
00:50:49,578 --> 00:50:51,289
-Yes.
-Naked?
444
00:50:51,394 --> 00:50:55,109
-I do not remember. Maybe as a child.
-We're not talking about childhood.
445
00:50:55,199 --> 00:50:59,610
-Have you ever made love in Cyprus?
-Yes. -To two women at the same time?
446
00:50:59,700 --> 00:51:00,700
-No.
-Me neither.
447
00:51:00,790 --> 00:51:03,744
But nobody forbids us to fantasize.
448
00:51:03,850 --> 00:51:07,697
Lieutenant, you're such
a fool, but glamorous.
449
00:51:13,148 --> 00:51:17,348
-Lieutenant, you're in love with a woman.
-I don't understand.
450
00:51:17,453 --> 00:51:20,277
-Is this a compliment?
-Yes, indeed!
451
00:51:31,883 --> 00:51:36,576
As you requested, Madam.
Anise flavoured booze from 1774.
452
00:51:36,682 --> 00:51:39,093
Thank you. I'll help myself.
453
00:51:46,848 --> 00:51:50,092
-Honey, what's this?
-Bonichka, since you have decided
454
00:51:50,182 --> 00:51:53,973
to conquer all of Russia,
we'll have a Russian drink.
455
00:51:54,079 --> 00:51:56,220
Come on, to us! Bottoms up!
456
00:52:00,507 --> 00:52:02,098
Exhale!
457
00:52:02,203 --> 00:52:06,674
And now, on request of
our guest from sunny France,
458
00:52:06,779 --> 00:52:10,855
and especially for his
mistress, the next song...
459
00:52:19,119 --> 00:52:21,430
Yes...
460
00:52:23,604 --> 00:52:25,701
Madam?
461
00:52:27,802 --> 00:52:32,285
-Listen, brother, have you got a cigar?
-I don't smoke.
462
00:52:32,390 --> 00:52:34,761
Get lost, uncle!
463
00:52:35,236 --> 00:52:39,063
-The lady wants to dance?
-Guys, this lady will not dance.
464
00:52:39,168 --> 00:52:41,424
-She will not dance.
-Take a rest, old man!
465
00:52:41,514 --> 00:52:45,052
Guys, you've made a mistake.
I clearly said, I will not dance.
466
00:52:45,142 --> 00:52:49,237
-Do you want some trouble instead?
-Maybe you've made a mistake?
467
00:52:49,327 --> 00:52:51,904
That's it, guys!
468
00:52:57,249 --> 00:52:59,805
Help! Hooligans!
469
00:53:02,328 --> 00:53:04,565
Strike!
470
00:53:15,606 --> 00:53:20,221
I've never been a raspberry, until today...
471
00:53:20,548 --> 00:53:23,059
To be more exact, until tonight...
472
00:53:23,164 --> 00:53:27,369
But when the guys asked for it
473
00:53:27,572 --> 00:53:31,757
I would turn into a raspberry...
474
00:53:31,862 --> 00:53:36,619
These dances with blondes and brunettes...
475
00:53:36,709 --> 00:53:40,775
They only happen in the
middle of the forest... raspberry...
476
00:55:21,909 --> 00:55:24,463
Oh, baby!
477
00:55:25,416 --> 00:55:29,154
-Where is everybody?
-They went off to the cottage.
478
00:55:29,259 --> 00:55:31,915
They'll be back the day after tomorrow.
479
00:55:39,473 --> 00:55:42,115
Watch out for the dress.
480
00:55:42,758 --> 00:55:47,484
-You're a magnificent woman.
-Yes, I am.
481
00:55:52,412 --> 00:55:57,237
And I'm not the worst
man in Europe, either.
482
00:55:58,276 --> 00:56:00,418
Pussycat!
483
00:56:00,913 --> 00:56:05,966
You'll see. They'll write
numerous books about me. I'm sure!
484
00:56:06,107 --> 00:56:09,168
They'll even make movies.
And sometimes I think,
485
00:56:09,258 --> 00:56:13,536
that they'll name a
mental illness after me.
486
00:56:14,216 --> 00:56:17,429
Or, maybe, even a cake.
487
00:56:17,534 --> 00:56:21,161
In the name of our love, baby.
I'm ready for everything!
488
00:56:21,266 --> 00:56:24,527
I'm ready to conquer the continent.
489
00:56:24,632 --> 00:56:28,134
I can ignite a faded star!
490
00:56:28,239 --> 00:56:32,063
I'm ready to juggle with worlds.
491
00:56:32,168 --> 00:56:36,770
I'll lay the Milky Way at your feet.
492
00:56:44,683 --> 00:56:48,643
-I can't stand it anymore.
-Yes... not...
493
00:56:48,749 --> 00:56:52,381
-Countess, I'm ready for everything.
-Absolutely everything?
494
00:56:52,471 --> 00:56:57,586
-Definitely everything!
-What do you think about marriage?
495
00:57:02,314 --> 00:57:05,250
-Listen, uh...
-What?
496
00:57:05,356 --> 00:57:08,773
There are some things... you know…
497
00:57:09,349 --> 00:57:11,486
I see.
498
00:57:12,439 --> 00:57:14,588
I understand.
499
00:57:15,801 --> 00:57:21,981
So, you're ready to
juggle with worlds for me?
500
00:57:23,811 --> 00:57:27,830
But as soon as we touch
something serious, you fill your pants.
501
00:57:27,920 --> 00:57:30,160
-My pants?
-Yes, they're filled up.
502
00:57:30,250 --> 00:57:33,578
-I am married to a princess from Vienna.
-Well done!
503
00:57:33,669 --> 00:57:37,605
To get a divorce in Moscow,
does only require the desire for it.
504
00:57:37,695 --> 00:57:39,970
Well…
505
00:57:41,226 --> 00:57:45,417
I'll get a divorce! I agree, baby.
506
00:57:45,522 --> 00:57:48,703
-Pussycat, what are you doing?
-Don't you hurry!
507
00:57:52,110 --> 00:57:54,305
No, Bonichka.
508
00:57:55,195 --> 00:57:57,777
'Fucky-fucky'... only after the wedding!
509
00:57:57,867 --> 00:58:02,223
And what do you mean by 'I agree'?
I'm the one supposed to agree.
510
00:58:02,313 --> 00:58:07,405
I don't need charity.
Should a woman beg a man to marry her?
511
00:58:08,211 --> 00:58:12,582
Where are the fireworks? Where are
the rose petals raining from the sky?
512
00:58:12,672 --> 00:58:15,539
Where's the white suit?
513
00:58:16,319 --> 00:58:20,148
Where? By the way, I am a
woman from a decent family.
514
00:58:20,238 --> 00:58:22,218
-Do you understand?
-I understand.
515
00:58:22,308 --> 00:58:26,160
Count, inform the 'Central', that I'll
no longer buy dresses made in China.
516
00:58:26,250 --> 00:58:27,250
What's up?
517
00:58:27,340 --> 00:58:30,711
They said, they will no longer
pay for any dresses at all,
518
00:58:30,801 --> 00:58:33,110
nor cosmetics, nor
beauty salon, nor spa...
519
00:58:33,200 --> 00:58:34,500
Lord, have mercy! Really?
520
00:58:34,590 --> 00:58:36,674
After all I have done for my country,
521
00:58:36,764 --> 00:58:39,653
I should be begging for
money to get a manicure?
522
00:58:39,743 --> 00:58:42,657
Watch out, Lieutenant,
you've got to face up to it.
523
00:58:42,747 --> 00:58:46,523
Otherwise, the war will end,
but your habits will continue.
524
00:59:02,142 --> 00:59:05,689
Countess! I, the Emperor of
France, Napoleon Bonaparte,
525
00:59:05,829 --> 00:59:10,322
am begging you, to become my wife.
526
00:59:17,912 --> 00:59:19,849
Just a moment.
527
00:59:27,427 --> 00:59:29,551
I agree.
528
00:59:39,682 --> 00:59:42,349
'I'm in a state of shock.' - 'Me too.'
529
01:00:09,068 --> 01:00:14,341
When I look at you, Countess,
I see a real manlike whore.
530
01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:18,510
I don't fight with women.
531
01:00:18,600 --> 01:00:21,300
In our country, such
a weakling, as you are,
532
01:00:21,390 --> 01:00:24,123
would be killed by any woman with a sock.
533
01:00:24,442 --> 01:00:27,904
-If you insist.
-Come to Mama.
534
01:00:43,767 --> 01:00:46,367
-A woman always remains a woman.
-What?
535
01:01:00,672 --> 01:01:02,760
Natasha?
536
01:01:05,126 --> 01:01:07,491
-Lieutenant?
-All this time,
537
01:01:07,596 --> 01:01:11,639
-you worked for the French?
-Says who? You did sleep with them!
538
01:01:11,744 --> 01:01:15,244
I am a Russian spy!
Executing a secret mission!
539
01:01:15,349 --> 01:01:18,112
I'm also a Russian spy! Undercover!
540
01:01:18,241 --> 01:01:22,145
I'd carry out my mission, if I
wasn't disturbed all the time!
541
01:02:21,174 --> 01:02:23,925
KAMA SUTRA
542
01:02:24,031 --> 01:02:29,065
I know this book by heart,
but our interpretation…
543
01:02:29,550 --> 01:02:32,229
Was the closest to the text so far.
544
01:02:37,258 --> 01:02:40,891
Lieutenant, you are so very educated.
545
01:02:40,996 --> 01:02:44,147
But no one has inspired me, like you did.
546
01:02:44,253 --> 01:02:47,088
I'm totally ready to dive into science.
547
01:02:47,193 --> 01:02:50,426
Always and everywhere, I want only you.
548
01:02:50,531 --> 01:02:55,073
But with that feeling, there
is a new warmth, tenderness…
549
01:02:57,174 --> 01:02:59,629
And a desire to take care of you.
550
01:02:59,734 --> 01:03:02,911
It is a strange feeling for me.
551
01:03:03,661 --> 01:03:08,817
You've changed me! I've become a man.
I've stopped being a folktale.
552
01:03:10,965 --> 01:03:14,643
-I love you! Would you... mmm...
-What?
553
01:03:14,749 --> 01:03:18,038
I love you! Would you... mmm...
554
01:03:18,850 --> 01:03:22,356
Lieutenant, you must say it aloud.
I didn't hear!
555
01:03:22,446 --> 01:03:24,547
I can't! You can, you can!
556
01:03:27,530 --> 01:03:29,948
Come on!
557
01:03:30,830 --> 01:03:33,391
Come on! Look into my eyes. Look at me!
558
01:03:33,481 --> 01:03:36,810
...Marry me!
559
01:03:38,263 --> 01:03:41,270
-Marry you?
-Yes.
560
01:03:41,375 --> 01:03:44,774
-I accept.
-I did it!
561
01:03:44,879 --> 01:03:46,783
I did it!
562
01:03:48,331 --> 01:03:51,864
Natasha, get ready for
page forty-eight, immediately.
563
01:03:51,970 --> 01:03:55,457
Forty-eight? My favorite page!
564
01:04:06,497 --> 01:04:09,122
Damn! I've got to be at the barracks.
565
01:04:09,227 --> 01:04:13,387
-I'll be punished.
-My fiance will appear any minute.
566
01:04:15,711 --> 01:04:17,755
Well, well...
567
01:04:25,899 --> 01:04:28,431
Leave it alone! Don't you play now!
568
01:04:29,024 --> 01:04:32,868
-How will I survive without you?
-Damn! Where are my socks?
569
01:04:33,244 --> 01:04:35,176
Damn!
570
01:04:46,947 --> 01:04:50,823
Natasha, I couldn't stand it, if
something would happen to you.
571
01:04:50,913 --> 01:04:55,230
Promise that you'll give me a
sign, if something should happen.
572
01:04:55,335 --> 01:04:59,356
-I promise.
-For example, burn something.
573
01:05:01,148 --> 01:05:05,332
What should I burn? The Opera House?
The club 'Diaghilev'?
574
01:05:05,437 --> 01:05:09,277
It doesn't matter.
I don't care, even if it's all of Moscow.
575
01:05:11,932 --> 01:05:14,757
Love, I must go.
576
01:05:15,989 --> 01:05:18,485
See you tonight.
577
01:05:19,183 --> 01:05:22,343
Be-be-be, bu-bu-bu, chair,
table, store, 'Kukriniksi',
578
01:05:22,433 --> 01:05:25,762
building of the Court of
Appeals, hydroelectric station.
579
01:05:25,852 --> 01:05:28,110
Pretty good!
580
01:05:31,464 --> 01:05:33,695
What's this?
581
01:05:35,624 --> 01:05:38,373
Something in my eye.
582
01:05:38,478 --> 01:05:41,951
And Mr. Captain of the
Guard, only kindly agreed,
583
01:05:42,057 --> 01:05:44,511
to help.
584
01:05:47,068 --> 01:05:50,535
I got divorced from Josephine.
585
01:05:50,641 --> 01:05:55,662
It's less than three months
ago, and you do this!
586
01:05:55,768 --> 01:05:57,732
Whore!
587
01:05:57,838 --> 01:06:00,356
What are you looking at, asshole?
588
01:06:03,275 --> 01:06:06,923
I was thinking about how to
punish you for quite a while.
589
01:06:08,787 --> 01:06:13,208
Drawing and quartering? Banal.
590
01:06:13,313 --> 01:06:17,030
Put you on a pale?
And what, if you like it?
591
01:06:17,136 --> 01:06:21,582
-Don't stop, Sir. The bee...
-Set a bee on your tongue?
592
01:06:22,434 --> 01:06:25,005
Mantoux...
(TUBERCULOSIS) -Mantoux injection and
593
01:06:25,095 --> 01:06:27,678
-then let you get soaked?
-Dentist...
594
01:06:27,783 --> 01:06:31,241
Get all your teeth
extracted by the dentist?
595
01:06:31,346 --> 01:06:34,610
-Carbide...
-Carbide glowing red-hot in your mouth?
596
01:06:37,660 --> 01:06:39,947
All of this is quite simple.
597
01:06:40,913 --> 01:06:43,180
And what about the soldering iron?
598
01:06:43,406 --> 01:06:46,094
Simone, I want to suffer for a lifetime.
599
01:06:46,199 --> 01:06:48,775
You'll be married. Shu-shu!
600
01:06:52,018 --> 01:06:54,186
Who?
601
01:06:57,953 --> 01:07:00,077
This is a win!
602
01:07:46,184 --> 01:07:49,131
On Moscow's downtown
ring, in a chain accident
603
01:07:49,236 --> 01:07:52,047
over five carriages
collided, killing ten peasants.
604
01:07:52,137 --> 01:07:55,302
Fortunately, there were no casualties.
605
01:08:25,423 --> 01:08:27,556
Roll!
606
01:08:30,015 --> 01:08:32,915
Prohibited for children
under eighteen years!
607
01:08:51,442 --> 01:08:54,162
I ACCEPT.
608
01:08:59,101 --> 01:09:01,865
Bonya, I already warned you.
609
01:09:04,164 --> 01:09:06,663
Not until after the wedding.
610
01:09:43,886 --> 01:09:47,286
Dear grooms... and brides,
611
01:09:47,391 --> 01:09:50,251
today you will join hearts,
612
01:09:50,357 --> 01:09:53,507
creating a new covenant in our society.
613
01:09:53,612 --> 01:09:56,931
They say marriages are sealed in heaven.
614
01:09:57,036 --> 01:10:00,418
Fate will carry you on the wings of love...
615
01:10:10,362 --> 01:10:13,394
Separate! Pull them apart!
616
01:10:16,344 --> 01:10:18,542
Get them apart!
617
01:10:19,618 --> 01:10:22,419
Countess... Countess!
618
01:10:22,912 --> 01:10:26,725
And you, Lady Rzhevska, do
you accept to become the woman,
619
01:10:26,830 --> 01:10:29,872
of the invader and occupier Bonaparte?
620
01:10:31,036 --> 01:10:33,409
-I accept.
-And now I suggest,
621
01:10:33,514 --> 01:10:38,866
-you exchange wedding rings.
-Peace be with you... and war.
622
01:10:38,972 --> 01:10:42,061
-Here, my love. Now I must go.
-Where to?
623
01:10:42,202 --> 01:10:44,990
Honey, I'm the Emperor.
My place is on the battlefield.
624
01:10:45,080 --> 01:10:47,305
Stop! What about me?
625
01:10:47,411 --> 01:10:51,005
-And if I asked you to stay?
-But...
626
01:10:51,110 --> 01:10:54,455
Stop! For the fatherland!
627
01:10:56,493 --> 01:10:57,689
No! No!
628
01:11:00,929 --> 01:11:04,823
If somebody finds out, I'll drown you.
I swear!
629
01:11:05,033 --> 01:11:06,640
My lips are sealed.
630
01:11:06,730 --> 01:11:09,248
Shu-shu, you'll have more time...
631
01:11:30,984 --> 01:11:33,114
My boy!
632
01:11:35,399 --> 01:11:40,940
-Now I will show you something...
-What? Let me do it myself!
633
01:11:41,045 --> 01:11:43,255
Let me! I...
634
01:12:07,610 --> 01:12:10,203
-Pussycat, open up!
-Wait a minute!
635
01:12:10,946 --> 01:12:14,720
I can't stand it anymore,
Countess, you promised!
636
01:12:14,861 --> 01:12:17,125
Natasha...
637
01:12:17,231 --> 01:12:20,473
Natasha! Damn, I'm coming!
638
01:12:21,790 --> 01:12:24,062
Wife, open up for your husband!
639
01:12:34,712 --> 01:12:38,232
Shu-shu, I have to tell you
something very important...
640
01:12:44,280 --> 01:12:47,670
The devil invented this dress!
641
01:13:07,299 --> 01:13:13,269
-What are you doing, rascal?
-What's that, I felt with my hand?
642
01:13:14,564 --> 01:13:17,231
Perhaps the 'Countess' may be a 'Count'?
643
01:13:23,514 --> 01:13:25,920
Here I come!
644
01:13:28,182 --> 01:13:30,271
Calm down!
645
01:13:36,841 --> 01:13:39,670
Lieutenant, your mission
is almost complete.
646
01:13:39,760 --> 01:13:41,921
Something wrong?
647
01:13:43,244 --> 01:13:45,420
Natasha!
648
01:13:46,012 --> 01:13:48,796
-Natasha, I'm flying to you!
-Where are you?
649
01:13:48,886 --> 01:13:51,650
Natasha...
650
01:14:07,075 --> 01:14:10,043
Countess, unfortunately
we have an emergency.
651
01:14:10,149 --> 01:14:12,739
The Emperor's adjutant is a Russian spy.
652
01:14:12,829 --> 01:14:15,385
-What do you say?
-See you at dinner.
653
01:14:15,491 --> 01:14:17,403
Stop!
654
01:14:21,445 --> 01:14:23,536
-Lieutenant!
-Natasha!
655
01:14:23,641 --> 01:14:28,351
-Lieutenant! Lieutenant!
-How I've missed you.
656
01:14:29,374 --> 01:14:33,622
-My love!
-Why didn't you hurry up a bit more?
657
01:14:33,727 --> 01:14:36,689
Shame on you!
I was not able to come faster,
658
01:14:36,794 --> 01:14:40,048
I swear by my parents' health!
659
01:14:50,505 --> 01:14:52,638
Shu-shu?
660
01:14:53,721 --> 01:14:56,476
No! I'm just a harmless masochist.
661
01:14:56,581 --> 01:14:59,697
-No! No, Shu-shu!
-My boy.
662
01:14:59,802 --> 01:15:02,258
No, girl! No, no!
663
01:15:02,363 --> 01:15:04,503
No, please!
664
01:15:11,058 --> 01:15:15,550
4 MONTHS LATER...
WINTER OF 1812 - WITHDRAWAL
665
01:15:15,707 --> 01:15:19,415
As you already know,
all the events of our story,
666
01:15:19,521 --> 01:15:24,017
ladies and gentlemen, are
based on real historical facts.
667
01:15:24,122 --> 01:15:27,267
Everything's been reconstructed
with documentary precision,
668
01:15:27,357 --> 01:15:29,967
without embellishment. And as is proper for
669
01:15:30,057 --> 01:15:34,884
every important scientific work,
this one should be finished with
670
01:15:34,990 --> 01:15:39,226
what's it called? Generally we
call it in Russia since old times
671
01:15:39,332 --> 01:15:41,672
just 'Happy End'.
672
01:15:43,839 --> 01:15:47,018
I can't believe that the war is over.
673
01:15:47,123 --> 01:15:51,015
I do no longer have to
wear those idiotic heels.
674
01:15:52,068 --> 01:15:55,899
There is no need to put on a cotton bra…
675
01:15:57,038 --> 01:16:00,255
Or eat fat-free yogurt.
676
01:16:01,008 --> 01:16:03,925
No more army boots needed.
677
01:16:04,030 --> 01:16:08,495
There are no more swords, guns and duels.
678
01:16:09,039 --> 01:16:12,324
-It's all in the past.
-Yes. Just you and me.
679
01:16:13,105 --> 01:16:17,522
Tell me, where did you buy this funny cap?
680
01:16:17,628 --> 01:16:20,153
-I'm not telling.
-Really?
681
01:16:20,294 --> 01:16:25,449
My darling! My dear!
682
01:16:32,630 --> 01:16:35,681
-What? Does it hurt?
-It hurts!
683
01:16:35,786 --> 01:16:39,309
-Do you think it doesn't hurt me?
-Bonya, what are you doing here?
684
01:16:39,399 --> 01:16:42,306
Shameless transvestites!
685
01:16:42,693 --> 01:16:47,461
What kind of 'Happy end' do you have?
Love, kisses,
686
01:16:47,566 --> 01:16:50,601
and you left me all alone
on the island of St. Helena
687
01:16:50,691 --> 01:16:54,037
-to write my 'memoirs'?
-Because you have nothing to recollect
688
01:16:54,127 --> 01:16:57,921
in these 'memoirs'
except your silly victories.
689
01:16:58,026 --> 01:17:00,469
Boys, don't ruin the honeymoon.
690
01:17:00,574 --> 01:17:04,646
-What honeymoon? He's married.
-Stop being angry, Bonya.
691
01:17:04,752 --> 01:17:09,127
We aren't strangers. Come on! Come here!
692
01:17:09,232 --> 01:17:12,168
-Let me hug you.
-It's not necessary, I don't want to.
693
01:17:12,258 --> 01:17:15,394
-By the way, I missed you.
-Really?
694
01:17:15,499 --> 01:17:17,963
-Really?
-Sure.
695
01:17:20,505 --> 01:17:24,065
You're still a good old pal,
no matter what they say.
696
01:17:24,171 --> 01:17:26,921
-And what do they say about me?
-It doesn't matter...
697
01:17:27,011 --> 01:17:32,934
Let's go for a croissant, you
know, those really crunchy ones...
698
01:17:37,000 --> 01:17:42,000
Translation and subtitles
by 'Herman the German'
699
01:17:44,000 --> 01:17:46,000
A film by Marius Vaisberg.
700
01:17:47,000 --> 01:17:50,000
BORODINO-PARTY 1812…
701
01:19:34,303 --> 01:19:35,508
THE END.
702
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