All language subtitles for Trevor.Noah-African.American.2013.720p.HDTV.x264-W4F

Africa.

Where it all began.

The first fire.

The first man to stand up.

And the first stand-up man.

The stand-up man
flourished bringing joy

and a good date night to
millions of villagers

before he eventually migrated,

bringing stand-up comedy
here, here, and here.

But oddly, never here.

As comedy flourished
abroad the African

stand-up man disappeared.

Until now.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Please welcome Trevor Noah.

Thank you.

Thumbs up.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Good evening.

How you guys doing?

I guess that means good.

That's what the
sounds means, right?

Whoo.

There's no sound for sad.

Does anyone make that sound?

How you feeling?

Whoa, no's.

It's really just that.

Thank you very much
for having me.

Thanks for coming out.

You guys are looking
great and relaxed.

Nice weather isn't it?

Yeah, it's very chilled out.

I just got back from Atlanta.

It was 107 degrees Fahrenheit.

Yeah.

Hottest weather.

Worst thing is everyone comes
up to me and they go well,

you must be used to this being
from Africa and-- no, I'm not.

I'm from Africa
but that shit is hot.

That was just-- no.

I was scared to go jogging
'cause I thought if I ran

out in the streets and
fainted wouldn't the local

news love that?

I'd be running and I'd
fall down in the heat.

They would have their
vans reporting live.

They'd be standing going

so hot in Atlanta
even Africans are fainting.

So, I'm enjoying this.

Really happy to be
here, you know?

This is gonna be
good for us I hope.

I say I hope because I never
know with stand-up comedy.

It's just, you know, it's an
awkward experience I find.

I'm always nervous.

'Cause I find comedy is
very similar to sex for me.

Well, it's exactly like sex
when you think about it.

With me, the comedian,
playing the role of the man.

And you, the audience,
the role of the woman.

'Cause it's my
job to satisfy you.

And you just have to sit there.

And then just like sex,
my success or failure

will somehow be determined
by how much noise you

make during my performance.

Which makes it a
one-sided affair I feel.

You know?

Yes.

Yeah.

I mean, maybe you're
the quiet type.

I hope we have magic tonight.

I hope we create
something wonderful.

I mean, for many of us
it's our first time together

and that means
it might be awkward.

I understand this.

And if that's the
case I want you to

know that I'll look
into your eyes,

I'll see that I'm freaking
you out, and I'll stop.

I'll stop and I'll
flip you back over

and we'll go back to
the simple stuff.

Yes.

OK?

I've been in America
for a few months now

and I'm really just
thrown by the place.

It's not what I expected at all.

Different from the
brochures and the pamphlets.

There's many
assumptions I had about

America before I came here
and I've come to learn

that those were wrong.

For one, I just assumed
people spoke English here.

It's far from it.

It's not-- you know what?

It's not so much the
language so much as the

pronunciation of words
that throws me off.

It's just Americans have
done with the language.

You guys have just-- wow.

You've just-- you've
done something.

You've put 22's on the
English language.

Just got rims and just
pimp my language.

That's what you've gone
with, you know?

And I don't understand.

I was chatting to this
woman downtown the other day.

She came up to me and she
wanted me to see something.

I don't know what though.

She was like

my God, look over therr.

I said look over what?

She's like

over therr.

Look at that harr.

I said her?

She's like,

no, herr harr.

There's two of them?

I understand nothing.

Even the small words.

Just the pronunciation.

You know, small things
that get you by.

For instance, I pronounce the
opposites of uncle as aunt.

I say my aunt.

Out here you say my ant.

Which to me is an insect.

Which made me look
like an ass when my

friend told me his ant died.

And I was like so what?

There's tons of those out there.

Just madness.

Everything out
here is different.

Do you know how hard it is
to learn when you come out here?

You have to change everything.

There's the measurement
system which is just,

I mean, America, you guys
have your own thing.

The Imperial system, you know?

On my side of the world we
use the metric system.

And by my side I mean
the rest of the world.

You know?

We have the metric
system which is,

amongst other things,
very efficient.

It's a very simple process.

You know, everything
goes into each other.

And out here you have Imperial.

Which is fine.

I mean, I won't judge you.

If you want to be imaginary,

that's up to you.

But--

I just feel like there's some

consistency that's needed.

Small things.

Like, for instance, when
we abbreviate our small

measurement, milligrams,
we use mg.

Milligrams.

Mg.

Milli-grams?

And you guys have ounces.

Ounces.

Which you then
abbreviate: oz.

There's no Z in the word ounces.

I don't know-- that's
pale in comparison

to what you've done with pounds.

That, for me--

please explain to me
how the abbreviation

for pounds became lbs.?

Lb.-- pounds.

I look like the idiot
walking into the store going

could I please have the
two labs bag of sugar?

Guy was like

you mean pounds?

I said I don't see the P.

No, I don't.

He said

well, it means pounds.

No, it's lbs.

Lot of bullshit.

That's what it stands for.

It is horrible.

And I thought-- I honestly
thought this was an anomaly.

I thought, you know what?

This is just one
of those things.

It's a coincidence.

But it's not.

Americans do not care
about abbreviation nor

the English language.

They just-- they
don't give a damn.

I notice on the small
things like, for instance,

when I was in Tennessee
I stumbled on an

organization known as
the Ku Klux Klan.

You heard of them?

Worst magic show ever.

Guy gave me a pamphlet.

He's like

come and see the Grand Wizard.

Grand Wizard.

The Grand Wiz--

didn't do one trick.

Not even one trick.

I mean, I noticed a few
black people disappear

but, I mean, that's not magic.

No, that's just Regan-omics.

I wasn't impressed by that.

Like, where's the magic?

I sat there forever.

These guys running
around in their sheets.

Yee-haw!

The KKK as they're
affectionately known.

Has nobody bothered to
tell 'em ever that you do

not spell clan with a K?

Nobody's-- even in America
clan is spelt with a C.

The Ku Klux Clan.

They're the KKC not the KKK.

You realize that?

Ku Klux Clan.

It's C.

In fact, the name is wrong.

The whole thing.

The Ku Klux part of it.

That's-- it's just horrible
'cause they got that,

as you know, from
ancient Greece.

It was Kuklos Adelphon.

Meaning a circle of brothers.

And that's how
they got the name.

They call themselves a
Greek circle of brothers.

Which is wrong for two
reasons: one if

your sole purpose as an
organization is to hate

black people, don't you
find it strange that

you've now named yourself
the circle of brothers?

And secondly, do they realize
that in ancient Greece,

circles of brothers were
doing very different things--

with one another?

Very loving.

Very, you know?

Yeah.

If they were really a
Greek circle the sheets

would be a bit higher up.

You know?

Just more of a--

yeah.

There'd be one more hole.

They're not a...

I came to America be

and that is I always
wanted to be black.

I was a-- you laugh
but it's true.

I-- that's all I ever wanted.

I grew up in South Africa during
a time known as apartheid.

And for those who don't know,

apartheid was a law in
South Africa that made it

illegal for black and
white people to interact

with each other.

You know?

If you did that then you
would get into trouble.

So, for instance, this
black young lady here

sitting with the white guy.

If you did this in South Africa
then they'd arrest you guys.

You couldn't-- during
apartheid you

couldn't-- well, they'd
arrest the black girl.

They'd just ask you
not to do it again.

'Cause--

And so, this was
awkward for me because

I grew up in a mixed
family, you know?

Well, with me being the
mixed one in the family.

My mother's a black woman,

South African, and
my father's Swiss,

from Switzerland.

So, he was a white man.

And basic-- well, he
still is a white man.

It's not like he changed side.

I said was like through
hard work and determination--

he became black, which is
not-- didn't-- that guy's

looking at me like

is that possible?

It's-- no, sir.

You're fine.

You're 100% fine.

Your position of privilege
is just the way it was.

Although, it would
be something though.

You could work so hard
you became black.

That would just be-- wouldn't it?

That would change the
workplace forever to see

guys walking into their
office talking to the boss.

Jim, I think I'm
gonna take a few days off.

I don't know.

I feel it coming on.

I-- Yeah, --

I've been
putting in some overtime

and I don't know, man.

I just-- yeah.

Yeah.

Look, I mean, the wife's loving
it but I can't take a chance.

I--

I just--

I just filled out a
new loan application

and my credit's looking
real good so,

I'm gonna take a few days off.

Yeah. Yeah.

No, you're fine, sir.

He's still-- my father is alive
and still very, very white.

From Switzerland.

My mother, Hausa woman
from South Africa.

Yeah.

And they got together
during this time which was

against the law but
they didn't care.

You know?

They were mavericks.

They were just, you know,
they fought the man.

My mom was like woo,
I don't care!

I want the white man.

Woo!

You know?

And my dad was also like well,

you know how the Swiss
love chocolate.

So he was just--

he was in there.

And so, they got together
and they had me.

Which was illegal.

So, I was born a crime.

Which is something they
never thought through

'cause as a family we
couldn't live normally

together, you know?

Like in the streets my
father had to walk on the

other side of the road.

And he could just
wave at me from far.

Kinda like a creepy pedophile.

Just--

And then my mom could walk
with me but if the police

showed up then she'd have
to let go of my hand,

drop me, and act
like I wasn't hers.

Every time.

Just so we wouldn't get caught.

Be like whoo.

She'd be like I don't know.

It was horrible.

I felt like a bag of weed.

And one of the
punishments for this crime

was I was never afforded a race.

I was never called black.

I was never called white.

I got horrible names like mixed
breed and mutt and half-cast.

And, you know?

It was a horrible time for me.

And one fateful day,
I'll never forget,

I met an American in South
Africa and he said to me, said

well you know, Trevor,

it's funny you say
that 'cause if you come

out to America they'll
label you as black.

I said really?

He was like hell yeah.

Yeah.

Everybody's black out there.

And I was like wow.

Well, I want to be black.

And I found out it's true.

Mixed race people are
categorized as black in America.

Yeah.

The only catch is, and
nobody tells you this,

you have to be liked
and successful first.

Before then they
say you're mixed.

You achieve success and
you get upgraded to black.

All the famous
mixed people do it.

Singers like Alicia Keys
and Mariah Carey.

Yeah?

Mixed.

But then they say black singers.

Sportsmen like Tiger Woods.

Mixed.

But then they say black golfer.

Most famous mixed person on the
planet by far, Barack Obama.

Mixed.

Half and half.

Straight down the middle.

But then they say America's
first black president.

Which is interesting
'cause when he was running

they called him the
mixed candidates.

I see how it works.

Everyone makes it obvious now.

They're like

yeah, yeah, Barack.

Of course he won.

Of course.

It wasn't that obvious

when he started.

It wasn't.

I remember comedians coming out.

They used to diss him.

Guys would come out on stage,

they'd be like

man, how many y'all see that

crazy ass mixed fool
running for president?

Y'all see that mixed fool
running for president?

Wait, you gonna see.

Ain't no mixed fool
gonna be president of

United States of America.

Ain't no-- man, rich white
people gonna be voting for

a mixed fool?

Hey, the black man can be shit.

Even a black man
can't-- how some mixed fool

think he do it all?

Man, that mixed fool.

That crazy ass mixed fool.

How some mixed
fool-- that mixed fool.

And then he won and all of a

sudden they were like

my nigga.

So.

I took the first
opportunity I could.

Bought myself a plane
ticket from South Africa

and I said I'm going
out to America.

I'm going there and
I'm going to be black.

And I got on that plane.

It was an 18-hour flight.

Eighteen hours of non-stop
flying and I sat there in

my chair and I spent every
moment practicing being black.

Just practicing.

I was like I'm not gonna
mess up this blackatunity.

I just sat there just
working through everything.

I was watching every
black movie and TV show.

Just going through it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You 'nah I mean?

You 'nah I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

King Kong ain't got shit on me.

Yeah.

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?

I was just-- I was grinding it.

You laugh but 18 hours of
flying and I landed in JFK

and I was fluent in
my black American.

For shizzle my nizzle.

I was just--

I was walking around.

I was so black I was
even laughing black.

I was like ha-ha-haa.

Ha-ha, yeah.

My man.

Ha-ha.

Should've seen me.

It was like

this you?

This you?

That
has to be the personification

of cool in my opinion.

There's nothing cooler.

There's-- black Americans
are so cool they can make

you feel good about
yourself just by asking if

you are you.

You don't believe me?

Get a black American man to come
up to you and just be like

hey, yo, hey, yo, this you?

Nah, nah, this you?

This you?

This you?

And you'd be like I think it is!

It's magic.

I was that black.

Not just any black but the
coolest black in the world

and that's American black.

I can say this with
confidence being from Africa.

I know black.

I'm well-versed in
the arts of black.

I'm from the black factory.

I mean it.

I've seen every kind of
black from light black all

the way to like navy blue black.

I know.

I know black.

And there's no cooler
black than American black.

Nothing cooler.

You know?

'Cause American black
people, I mean,

you just look at how much
they've done to influence

modern day pop culture.

You know?

Small things in the bigger
like you got the music.

You got, you know,
jazz, hip hop, R&B,

all black Americans.

Style of clothing, you know?

Just this general swag that
they've brought to everything.

Even small things like walking.

I mean, walking is such a
mundane activity isn't it?

It's just a very-- just a very--

There's nothing cool
about this thing.

You just move from one
place to the next

and pretty much
everybody can do it.

This is it.

There's nothing.

And then black Americans
came along and then

they just added in that bounce--

and then-- and all of a
sudden you look really cool.

You just-- you know?

You look like you
have a purpose.

You've just got that-- yeah.

Look at this.

It's super cool.

And it must be hard for an
assassin to kill you.

Just like--

That's why if you look
in American history

no black man was
ever assassinated

whilst walking ever.

It was when they stopped
then said something.

Bang.

That's when they would.

'Cause they got the walk.

That's why if you look, Obama,

every time he comes out of
the jet or makes a speech

he's always just got that
little bounce just before.

'Cause in his head he's
like you never know.

You never know.

You never know.

You never know.

You never know.

And by far the
coolest thing of all,

coolest thing of
all, is the talk.

I've listened to black
Americans and it's the

most amazing use of the
English language I've ever

come across in my life.

'Cause they pay no regard
to punctuation whatsoever.

They just cruise
through sentences.

It's fantastic.

First time I had a
conversation with a black

American man was in
Baltimore, Maryland.

This guy walked up to
me after the show.

He didn't even walk.

He just floated it.

Just--

He just came up to
me and he's like

hey, yo, B., hey, yo, hey, yo.

Hey, yo let me holler
atchoo for a minute, man,

let me holler atchoo.

I said OK.

He's like man I ain't even

gonna front, man, I
ain't gonna front.

I came out here dude, I
ain't even know who you

was man, I ain't even know.

I was like here the
show I bought my girl,

we was out there.

You came out 'der and you
were doing your thing I

was like yo, man, I ain't
even know that got 'dem

yellow bones out 'der in
the motherland, man.

I was like yo, this kid
better be funny,

man, but I ain't gonna lie.

You came out there.

You was keeping it coming,
keeping it moving.

You was just beastin' out.

I was like a'ight man,
maybe this kid is the truth.

Yeah.

This kid was doing his thing.

He was keeping it out there.

I started laughing.

My girl was killin' herself.

I was like a'ight this
mofo got flow fo' sure.

You 'nah I mean?

And I was like, no I don't.

But I love it.

It's the most amazing use of

English I've ever come
across in my life.

Just that one word alone.

Just the strength of that.

'Nah I mean?

Do you know what I mean?

Ya 'nah I mean?

It just--

it sums it all up, doesn't it?

It's just, you know,
neither question nor statement.

It's just-- like, why have
we been wasting our time

with syllables for so long?

I don't understand.

It was a crazy day
today you know what I mean?

Yo, that shit
was cray, ya 'nah I mean?

It just--

It just flows.

It's magical.

It says it all.

I feel like I've wasted
years of my life without

'nah I mean.

I wish I could go back
in time and relive

my favorite moments, watch
my favorite movies again.

Seeing them bring to
live this is Sparta!

'Nah I mean?

Power.

Just give it
something, you know?

I'm gonna take that
word home with me,

home to Africa.

I hope and I pray that
someday I have a daughter

just so I may name
her 'Nah I Mean.

You know?

No, because it sounds
exotic and foreign.

It has that thing to it.

You'd be like Trevor,
who's that?

This?

It's my baby girl, 'Nah I Mean.

It just has it, you know?

It's wonderful.

I'll just go back.

I bet even greats like
Shakespeare would've

loved to use that word.

They say he invented more
words than anyone but 'nah

I mean, I bet he's in
his grave going I wish I had.

You can see it
on one of those great

plays on the stages of
Manchester and London.

Theatre actors just
walking out there with

their big collars.

Yes.

Prometheus.

And hither doth he come,
fie I am the son of a

humble thespian, 'nah I mean?

Has the magic.

That's what I was, man.

I was that black.

You should've seen me.

Just walking around the
airport shouting random things.

Brooklyn.

I didn't
even know where that was.

I was super black.

'til some guy came
up to me and he was like

O yeah Papi!

Say what?

He was like

yo, man.

We made it, man.

We made it.

And now that we are
here, our kind,

we got to stick together, man.

Our kind?

Eighteen hours of flying
and I still wasn't black.

I was Puerto Rican.

My dreams were dashed.

And I thought it was a once off.

But it's not.

You know?

I go around on the East Coast.

Places like Miami,
that's the worst for me.

Walk around the streets of
Miami and I see people

look exactly like me and,
you know, they see me,

I see them.

We give each other
that look of home.

Like--

Guys come up to me they're like

I was like whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Yo, I don't speak Spanish, man.

Guy was like

wha'?

You don't speak Spanish?

I said no.

No, I don't.

He's like

you should
be ashamed of yourself.

I said no, no.

I shouldn't be ashamed.

It's not my culture.

I'm actually South African.

He's like

South African?

Like you were born there?

I said yeah.

Yeah.

My whole life.

He's like

Africa?

I said yeah.

He's like

Africa, Africa?

I said no.

The one next to it.

Yes, Africa.

He's like

man, you don't look like

you from Africa, man.

I said what the
hell's that supposed to mean?

He's like

I don't know.

You look like you grew
up in the shade, man.

Just everyone has
these images of Africa

and it's not your
fault as Americans.

I-- you know, I understand
that as Americans, like,

you don't know much
about South Africa.

I've realized this
in my time here.

You don't know much
about Africa as a whole,

which is-- well, you guys
don't know much about anything.

But that's not--

That's not your fault.

It just you guys are so
big and America-centric.

You know?

And you don't get
outside images.

You don't see anything.

In fact, in my time in
America the only thing

I've seen of Africa
is always those ads.

Those-- have you seen
those commercials?

Those UNICEF ads and
the-- have you seen those?

And they're asking
you for the money?

I hate those ads.

They don't even warn you that
those things are coming on TV.

I'm sitting there
enjoying myself watching

comedy shows and the next
thing you know you see

this horrible village.

It's just dirty and these
old rusting buildings

and these sad black people.

And I'm looking.

I'm like ooh, where's that?

Cleveland?

Then the thing comes up
and it's like Africa.

Like really?

Where?

And then they show you
the starving people

and it's always the same.

They've always got
the starving look.

They always do the pose.

They've always got that like
"why haven't you called?" look.

One by one.

And they show you these people
and there's the starving

mother and the starving
child and it's horrible.

And then there's a celebrity.

There's always-- the most
important thing is a

celebrity who comes out
and they speak for them.

You know, that way
we'll understand.

And the one I saw-- the one
I saw was Penelope Cruz.

She was a celebrity.

She's beautiful.

And she came out
and the starving mother

and child were there
and Penelope came out

and she next-- well, she
wasn't next to them.

It was blue screen.

But she was--

she wanted to be there.

And she walked out.

She points and she's like

this is Africa.

Did you know every year
more than five million

children in Africa die of
waterborne illnesses and

diseases that could
have been prevented?

You can make a difference
in this child's life.

I know you're sitting
at home and like me

you're saying but Penelope--

I'm so far.

What can I do to help?

Well, I'm here to tell you
it's easier than you think.

And it's a wonderful message

and she's beautiful.

I'm trying to-- I'm really
trying to pay attention to

this but for the life of
me I can't concentrate

because I'm watching and
out of the corner of my

eye there's this fly
that's just buzzing around.

It's buzzing.

She's just ignoring.

Bzzzz.

And the fly's there in the eye.

How does a fly sit on your eye?

You see with the thing.

Bzzzzz.

In the mouth.

And I'm-- I can't
concentrate while

they-- how do they get the
fly there every single time?

Can somebody tell me this?

In every ad, in every single ad,

the fly's there and it's
always in exactly the same

place for the entire ad.

For the entire ad.

I can't get a fly to sit still
in my kitchen for four seconds.

And I sneak up really slowly.

But they can get the fly
to sit there every single

time they film?

I'm starting to think
it's like a trick fly.

It's a Hollywood fly, isn't it?

One of those trained
creatures from Disney.

I know what those
guys are capable of.

I've seen "Lassie".

A trained fly.

They probably got the
fly on lockdown.

They're ready.

They get everybody together.

They got the starving people.

They're like

OK, we're ready to shoot.

Where's the fly?

Here, sir.

Here, sir.

Come on, boy.

Come on, boy.

Get it.

Bzzzzz.

And stay.

Action.

Did you know every

year more than five
million children--

are starving?

Bzzzzzz.

It's horrible.

I hate those ads.

I hate the people
who make those ads.

I mean, there's people starving
everywhere in the world.

Don't you know you can
give them a bit of dignity?

You know?

And I hate the people
in those ads as well

'cause they make
Africans look bad.

Yeah.

I can say that.

You go but don't hate them.

They're starving.

No.

You know what?

I don't care.

I don't care.

I really don't.

'Cause people
starving everywhere.

And I grew up in a black
family in Africa

and no matter how poor
or hungry we were

we could still do this.

But that's, you know, th

We see you guys.

Well, a lot of the people
out here have that impression.

I've learned that.

I've learned everyone
has that idea.

I learned that in small
things, you know?

Like I do shows-- I've been
doing shows around the country.

Around the world really.

I've been blessed.

And I remember
one day I'm in L.A.

and I'm doing a show and
we're sitting backstage

and this comedian comes in
to the backstage area

and he's got a list of all
the guys that are performing.

And so, he looks around
and he looks at the

darkest guy in the corner,
just the blackest guy

he could find.

And he goes

hey, yo.

You the dude from Africa?

And the guy looks
up and he's like

nah man, I'm from Detroit.

He's like

a'ight, my bad.

My bad.

My bad.

A'ight, yo.

OK, Detroit.

Yeah, yeah.

You-- a'ight, OK cool.

L.A.

OK, cool.

Cool.

Cool.

And then he looks at me

for a second, does a
quick calculation.

And he's like

a'ight, a'ight, um, yeah.

And then he looks and he goes

yo, where you from man?

I said I'm from South Africa.

He's like

You the dude?

Damn, man.

Damn.

A'ight.

Yo, I didn't even
know they got-- yo,

you the dude from Africa?

Man, didn't even know they got

light-skinned niggers
out there, man.

Damn.

A'ight.

Yo.

Yo.

That's the motherland, man.

That's the motherland.

And all of
a sudden he just started

giving me this speech.

He's like

man, you know,
yo man, that's-- yo man,

that's where we gotta be, man.

That's, you know--

that's the motherland
out there, man.

Yeah.

I gots to get out there, man.

I gots to.

Yo, I gots to go home, man.

You heard?

I gots to go home.

Man, you tell them.

A'ight?

You tell 'em.

You tell them I'm
coming home, a'ight?

And I was like

we're not waiting.

' Cause I'm just-- I'm
fascinate-- I think

that's come-- that
whole identity has come

from the term African-American.

This is something that's
fascinated me.

You know, it's the
very loose term.

African-American.

'Cause half of the time
you use it for people that

aren't even African.

You know?

Just use it long
as you're black.

They go African-American.

But it's-- what if people
aren't from Africa?

They still African-American?

Those people from the Caribbean,
from Haiti, from Jamaica.

You know?

They call--

yeah, African-America.

Guys like

no man, I come from Jamaica.

I no' from Africa.

I ain't never
been there 'fore, man.

He's like you wanna stay?

African-American, man.

Hey.

The prefix
to American has become as

important as American itself.

I thought it was just
American but it's not.

No, no, no.

It's very important
you have the prefix.

You know, you have
African-American.

African-American.

You have others like Latin-

or Mexican-American.

You have Asian-American.

You have-- the most
interesting for me was

Indian-American which I learned
about during Thanksgiving.

Indian-American.

And then I was told I'm no
longer allowed to say this.

Said I now have to
say Native American.

Which is redundant, is it not?

Because if somebody's
a native of the land

they're still in should
you not then just

call them American?

How does that work?

It was the strangest
conversation to have sitting

around carving the turkey
and just going, you know,

going I don't understand.

I can't say Indian-American?

He's like

no, Trevor, you-- yeah, look.

You don't wanna say that.

You wanna say Native American.

Yeah, it's a better term.

I go.

Well, who called them
Indian-American?

Well, we did.

I see.

And then who changed it?

Well, we did.

I see.

And you guys feel better?

Yeah, yeah.

Much better.

Much better.

Much better.

It's just the craziest

thing in the world.

Changing it, you know?

The prefix.

And, I mean, I don't
mean to offend anyone.

As Americans I hope
you, you know,

I see some guys
looking at me like

OK, OK.

Move on, guy, move on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I really don't-- please,

don't get offended.

If you're American and
you're offended I really

hope that I'm not offending you.

I mean this because I
am scared of you.

No, no, really.

The world-- you don't understand.

The world is shit
scared of America.

Like America-- 'cause
you guys, what?

You've been fighting
wars since World War II.

You guys haven't stopped.

Like America-- no, it's true.

America's just like
the most badass.

America's like that really
buff guy on the beach just

like not messing around.

Just walking around.

Just like you do not
mess with America.

It's like, you know, if
America catches you

building a sand castle
like what are you doing?

No, no!

America!

It's not what it looks like!

He's like

yah!

Yah!

The only time people build
sand castles is when

they're gonna attack.

Stop that!

It's just, you know,

we've afraid of-- you
don't understand,

the whole world is afraid
of-- the whole world is

afraid of you guys.

You know?

Because you guys have been
fighting and for a lot of

good in the world as well.

Don't get me wrong, you know?

That's why you guys are
so proud of your troops.

Yeah.

Like the troops, right?

You guys love the troops.

Give it up for the troops.

Yeah.

'Cause I've learned.

And in the world in
the biggest democracy

you need your troops.

That's why the troops are
so high up in America,

so respected.

The troops.

You know, they're not number
one though in the rankings.

I'd say number one
is more sports.

Sports is the highest thing.

No, sports is the biggest
thing in America.

Like, that's just number one.

It's-- it would be-- troops
is up there though.

So I-- it would be, I would say
the rankings would be sports,

the Kardashians, the
president, then the troops.

That would be-- yeah,

'cause you guys love
the Kardashians.

Like let's be-- like
Americans are just-- I've

never seen anything like it.

Guys are like

Did Kim get home OK?

Did she?

Yeah?

OK.

Yeah.

Check on Obama.

OK.

Cool.

All right.

Just-- you know?

That's the ranking.

But sports is just nuts.

Wow.

You guys love your
sports out here.

I've never seen more focus
put on sports anywhere

else in the world.

Americans love their
sports back to front.

You analyze them.

You worship them.

You watch the game
before the game.

You watch the game
after the game.

You talk about what might
happen in the game.

You talk about what's
happening in the game.

And then you talk about
what happened in the game

and what could have and
might have but didn't

happen in the game.

It's just the craziest
thing I've seen in my life.

It's all about statistics.

Have you seen sports in America?

Non-stop.

Guys just come out there.

There's no time for
smiles or anything.

Just come out and

ladies and
gentlemen welcome to it.

It's the 2012 Miami Heat
up against the OKC.

This is the greatest final
we've been waiting for in

the NBA finals.

LeBron James leading his team
out here averaging 30 points.

A double-double
every single game.

10 points per game
just in assists alone.

This man is just something else.

90% from the free throw line.

He's just gone in and he's
statistically gotten better.

His team coming in with more.

Chris Bosh coming in
with more assists.

Really doing well
in the last game.

Just like wow.

Wow.

Numbers,
numbers, numbers, numbers.

Stats, stats, stats.

You guys know everything.

Every stat.

Well, I mean, you
know, he's got 4 out of 5 and,

I mean, if you look at that
statistic alone it looks

like he should be
getting forward.

He should be--

and then it's just crazy.

You know everything.

You know everything.

And then you switch over
to like your business

channels and your economy
and you're like well,

what's happening
in the economy this year, Bob?

Well, nobody knows.

I mean--

nobody knows.

Yeah.

We thought the housing
market was coming up

but it wasn't.

But hey, I mean,
that's the economy.

You never know, right?

You never know.

What about stocks?

Well, I guess stocks.

They're up and down.

I don't really know.

They're up and down.

They could go anywhere.

It's-- those are stocks.

We don't know.

But the sports, you know?

Need to flip that around.

Get the statistics
in the economy.

Just relax in your sports.

Have fun.

That's the sports I watch.

It's relaxed.

Like soccer.

I'm a huge fan of soccer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's some fans here?

I love soccer.

It's chilled.

You hear it in the
commentators when a game

is being played.

There's no statistics at all.

Game starts off.

The whistle blows.

Brrrt.

And welcome ladies and gentlemen
to this majestic match.

It's Spain playing
against Germany.

And what a wonderful day it is.

Look at the crowd.

Really excited.

And the atmosphere's amazing.

Wonderful weather.

And the guys are like

yeah, John, you can feel it.

The players look great.

It's wonderful.

What do you think's gonna

happen today, Martin?

Nobody knows.

I can't even remember
the last time I

saw a game this good.

Americans will remember.

Americans will go back
to the finest statistic.

The last time a black man

scored using his left
hand jumping over a

mixed race half-Indian--

was in 1967 when the
OK-- then they're like what?

This is madness.

It's crazy.

I'm loving it, living
the American life.

Trying to do it.

It's crazy, you know?

I had to learn how to drive
out here which was fun.

Had to get a car,
obviously, which I just

almost couldn't get.

You have to fill out forms
and then they want your credit.

And in America credit's
very important.

I don't understand the concept.

I'm in the car dealership
and there's this Asian

gentleman helping me and
we're going through the

forms and he says

so, how long
have you live in America for?

I said I
haven't lived here for long.

He said

this no good for you.

This no good for you.

I said what do you mean?

He said

no, you cannot lease car in

America unless you
been here long time

because then you
don't have credit.

OK?

You don't--

I said well, I've
got the money to pay for it.

He said

yeah, that's not the point.

OK?

That's not the point.

In America, OK, in this
country we want credit,

OK?

Our country focus on credit.

If you got good credit
you can buy anything.

We don't care about money.

We want credit.

I said well,
credit is the assumption

that you can pay back the money.

He's like

no, no.

That don't count here, OK?

In our country you
have good credit you

can buy anything, OK?

You got good credit-- he
said our country, our country--

And I was like look,

I hate to be rude but
when you say our country--

do you mean "our" because you

live here now or "our"
because the Chinese own it?

And he was like

it's a bit of both, OK?

Yeah.

But no credit for you, no car.

OK?

Goodbye.

I had to just buy myself a car.

You know, it was a
horrible thing.

Drive around.

And that's the worst
thing, driving in America.

Wow.

On the other side of the road.

You feel like a rebel, you know?

Until you see the other
cars coming and then it's

not so much fun.

Every-- because you know
how many times I

did that just going
to the wrong side?

And don't trust movies.

It's not easy to do
that whole thing.

No.

No.

People don't just drive
and-- no, they stop.

They just look at you and go
what are you doing?

In the movies you drive by.

What are you doing?

Aren't you
supposed know they don't drive;

they just wait for
you to turn around.

And then the streets are
so small you're doing one

of those turns just
watching them in your shame.

Just like it's horrible.

I had to practice for months.

It was the worst.

It's horrible.

I had to buckle down and
buy myself a real GPS to

get me around.

Which has been
working like a charm.

If you don't have a GPS
you get yourself one.

It's the best thing
you'll ever do.

Just don't make the
mistake I made

and buy it from Craigslist.

I bought one off
Craigslist and the guy

who sold it to me didn't
tell me that it was a

Spanish language GPS.

Which was not so good.

I didn't understand
anything she says.

Look, I still get around
'cause the arrows are in

English, thank God.

But otherwise
it was just horrible.

And I hated it the first
few days and then I fell

in love with her.

She's just, you know?

I don't understand why more
Americans don't speak Spanish.

It's such a sexy language.

I'm just sitting there and
like all the men in here,

you want to feel like a man,

you get yourself a Spanish GPS.

No.

You don't understand.

Traffic never sounded sexier.

It's just like-- I just
punch in random

destinations and she
guides me around.

She's like dun-dun.

And I'm just like

Shucks, TomTom.

You say that all the time.

She's just sexy, you know?

She guides me around
and it's beautiful.

I love that.

I'm going to learn
Spanish because of that.

Definitely.

Spanish has gone up my list.

I had a few languages and
Spanish was like sixth language.

I spoke four languages in
South Africa and then the

fifth language was gonna
be Japanese and then Spanish.

But now Spanish has gone up.

Japanese I've had to pause
'cause of the earthquake.

There's not that many of
them traveling now.

So, it's sad.

There's no one now.

There's like-- walk around
the streets just, you know?

But Spanish has gone up.

'Cause I was getting
good at Japanese,

don't get me wrong.

I was getting really good.

You know, I could say-- and
it's a great language.

It's powerful.

'Cause you speak Japanese
from your chest.

It makes you feel strong.

Yeah.

Japanese is easy.

You have 3,000 characters
and a stronger language.

I mean everything in
Japanese is strong.

Even the greeting.

Power.

Thank you.

Power.

Yes.

It's a great language.

And say other things
as well like

Which means good luck dolphin.

Granted not very useable
in everyday language.

But yeah, it works I guess.

You know, it works.

I could also say
other things like

Which means look, the
chickens are running around.

You laugh but
I've used it successfully

on many occasions.

By many occasions I mean once.

I was in an airport standing
at the baggage carousel

and this Japanese guy came
and he stood next to me

and we're standing there
and I'm-- I look at him

and I've been waiting for
years to speak Japanese.

I'm super excited.

I was like what?

This guy's Japanese.

And he's like

I can hear you.

Sorry.

I thought I was thinking.

You Japanese?

He's like

yes.

I am Japanese.

I was like.

He's

Pleasure to meet you.

You speak very good Japanese.

I was like yeah.

So, I look over and I went.

I am not a dolphin.

But thank you for the good luck.

I was like I
can't believe this works.

I looked over I was like

He was like.

I don't
see the chicken anywhere!

You speak very strange Japanese.

Where did you learn?

I said I
learn in all different places.

All over my life.

Why do you speak English
with a Japanese accent now?

I don't know.

I get carried away.

You freaking me out.

I'm freaking out too!

You guys have
been so much fun, man.

Thanks for hanging out.

Thanks for coming to the show.

Good night.

Thank you.