All language subtitles for How To Find Joy When You Love An Alcoholic Kim Moore TEDxColchester Kim Moore TEDxColchester.en

i've never shared all of this

with anyone before and that really is

how most stories start when you love an

alcoholic

the guilt the shame fear of being judged

afraid to take to face the truth we keep

it all a secret

in 1997 i met my love

he was the most witty charming gentleman

that i had ever met

perhaps it was the english accent but

ten years

and two beautiful children later we were

a family

although we were a family with an

illness we just

didn't know it one night my husband

didn't come home from work which was

completely out of character

i was awake all night with worry the

call came the next morning at 10 am

from a hospital in london it was at that

moment that i knew i had to face the

truth that my husband

really was an alcoholic and i wasn't

just making it all

up in my head life was chaotic

we had disrupted meal time and bedtime

routines

disrupted sleep patterns always late

for school an absent father who was

often at home

but behind a closed door and me a

completely frazzled

mother never taking care of myself

all of the signs were there the damage

but all unspoken and my smile

was gone chris and i decided that we

desperately needed a weekend away

so we packed our bags and went off to

spain

just the two of us and on the first

night we were eating in one of those

beautiful spanish town squares where

you're sitting outside and you have the

umbrellas

and the outsides dining all the way

around

everyone outside enjoying the beautiful

summer weather

we got up to leave after dinner and

as usual chris stood and grabbed his

glass and

just once i wanted him to leave

something in the glass

but now he tipped back every drop

emptied along with my hope

as he started to walk away from the

table he lost his balance and he

fell taking out three tables in one

graceful swoop

everything was on the floor the food the

plates cutlery glasses

linens everything everywhere including

chris on the ground with blood

coming from his head

i could feel the redness in my face

not here not now

i just wanted to run to get as far away

as i could

the waiters helped me get him onto his

feet

and when he stood his incoherence

and everyone thought it was from the

fall

but i knew the truth and i knew what

they were thinking of me

life started to rapidly spiral into

chaos after that point

and the next time he fell it was at home

i lined up all of the bottles from the

weekend's drinking

on the table there was too many to count

and i didn't want to count but it was at

that moment that he decided to go to

rehab

thank god he loves us

and when he came home from rehab i made

him

a cup of tea the first cup of tea that i

had with my husband

after 11 years of marriage we sat and

drank that cup of tea together

we're going to be fine our family is

going to be fine

the third time he came home from rehab

he looked amazing he had discovered

painting and what an incredible talent

that he had

he's going to crack this he's going to

do this

the fourth time driving to rehab to

visit him was on christmas eve

and i'd left the children behind with

friends

i can't keep doing this the kids can't

keep seeing me broken like this and they

can't keep seeing him in this way

i've got to leave but it would kill him

he loves us so much he won't come to

that

this time he's gonna he's gonna do it

we're gonna be okay

i could always feel it coming

the chaos and the next time i had the

crisis

team in my house and while they were

with chris

i sat at the table with my mother-in-law

and i said to her

i know you have to do what's best for

your son

to help him with his recovery but i have

to do what's best for my children

to protect them and to give them a

normal life

it was at that moment that i decided to

leave

and i lost my english family

but even after i left i kept getting

pulled into the chaos

pulled back in

i was broken i had nothing left to give

i was so tired and i just wanted

it to stop i wanted the chaos to stop

it's gonna kill him one day god i wish

he was dead

it was at that moment that i stopped

talking afraid of those

voices going on in my head

in may 2017 i got a phone call from his

sister

his heart had stopped

chris was dead

the days the weeks the months that

followed were filled with

emptiness grief and anger

i was all alone i was no longer a single

parent i was a solo parent

the months rolled one into the next

i received a phone call from a friend

and she said to me kim put your crown

back on

he doesn't want you to live like this

and it was at that moment that i

realized chris was

gone our marriage was gone

all of our hopes

and our dreams

they were gone everything that we had

planned

was gone

but my happiness

my unhappiness and the loss of my smile

that wasn't caused by chris's alcoholism

it was caused by me

and just as i was the one that had

decided to feel

unhappy i was the one that could choose

to be happy again

after 15 incredibly painful years i

finally learned a very valuable lesson

and it's one that is transforming my

life today and helping me get my smile

back

is that if we dare to break free

we allow ourselves to blossom

in the world today we are so busy that

it's incredibly difficult to break free

from the things that hold us back

and it's taken a global plan pandemic to

get us all to slow down

and to rethink our lives and to make

some changes

six hundred thousand deaths brought the

world to a stop

but there's another silent pandemic

one that kills 2.8 million people per

year

but shame and guilt keeps it swept

under the carpet alcoholism

2.8 million people multiply that by the

number of people in the family

and that's the true impact of alcoholism

and the ripple effect that it has on the

family

alcoholism is sneaky its impact is so

mild in the beginning

for years it's so sneaky that you

question whether or not there really is

a problem

maybe you're just making it all up in

your head

and the impact on the children often

doesn't get noticed until they're adults

sadly my story isn't unique it's far

too common because when you love an

alcoholic

you hold on to the hope that they will

get better

never ever wanting to give up on them

because you love them so much

your life becomes consumed with helping

them

manage their drinking helping them stop

their drinking

and while the alcoholism progresses

so does the family illness we don't talk

about it

as a mother and as a wife who's lived to

tell you the story to stand here today

before you

we need to talk about it

if you have a story like mine perhaps

one that you're too afraid to tell

i challenge you to join me

together we can disrupt the unhealthy

behaviors

and we can create new helping ones

together we can blossom and fill the

world with color

if we do these three things

the first thing that we can do

is to let down the walls

let people in

for years i watched chris's

battle in the agony of the battle with

alcoholism

i saw everything i remember everything

i felt everything and to protect myself

from it all

instead of creating healthy boundaries i

put up walls these walls got so high

with every episode with every event that

eventually i was closing myself in

left alone in silence

my mother-in-law gave me a a note

years years back in the beginning of his

illness

and it was one that i didn't really

understand the meaning of at the time

but it said that everything of beauty

has crack in it

and that's how the light gets in

let down the walls let people in

and each time that you do you'll be

letting a little bit of light in

you don't have to face this alone you

don't have to go through this alone

don't keep it a secret let people in

let down those walls the second thing

that we need to do is we need to open up

to joy

look for joy joy is all around us

every day this painting

has been in our house since 2000

and 3.

for all of those years i thought it was

a beautiful painting and i enjoyed it

but i never really understood its

meaning not until after

chris died and that's when i discovered

that the almond blossom

painting painting means new beginnings

i had new beginnings in front of me

every single day

but i didn't see it look for joy around

you every day

make a list of the things that make you

happy things that you see

or things that you want to do do things

every day to help you smile

and the third action that we can take

is to interrupt the silence

talk

i didn't want to talk for years

i stopped talking and i actually

cut chris off for many many years

because that was the only way

that i could deal with the pain but i

was given the gift of a very

last conversation with him one week

before he died

we talked years of silence

broken in one single conversation

filled with love and understanding

talking helps and we knew that talking

helps

and i'm standing here today because of

that conversation

because he said to me that no one is

more open to your story than i

am keep talking talking helps

so find someone to talk to

don't keep it all inside don't keep it a

secret

talk because through talking that is how

we will build

an understanding and understanding of

alcoholism breaking them all of those

misconceptions that people have about

what it is and the impact that it has

talk share your story because by sharing

your story

will get more support you will start to

feel better

when we dare to break free we allow

ourselves to blossom

so if you're sitting there with a lump

in your tummy or perhaps in your heart

it's okay it's okay to let it go

perhaps you have a story like mine one

that you've not

told i challenge you to break free

to let down those walls to open up to

joy

and to interrupt the silence

and blossom put that crown back

on find your smile and fill your life

with joy once again

thank you