Original subtitles

BAD EXORCIST

How much?

As I said, alms for the funeral mass.

Usually, it's around 600-800 zloty.

But for 600, heaven's unsecured. No guarantee of admission.

Oh. So 800?

More likely.

And then there's 400 office.

- Excuse me? - Here's the full price list.

Gravedigger, 300.

Hearse, pit, music, 400-500 zloty.

Is Michael Jackson coming?

Have mercy. I want to bury my grandpa, not hold Open'er Festival in Bobrowice.

Cheap has been done before, pal.

Pay up or take this jar and condemn your grandpa to eternal damnation

and wandering till the Last Judgment.

Screw this.

Next!

DJ SZWUNG WEDDINGS, CHRISTENINGS, WAKES

Shame, Wacław. Shame!

Before the cock crows,

the evil will rise in Bobrowice!

Grandma, how is that graveyard pit better than our garden?

Grandpa doesn't care. He's been burned.

That's a shame as well.

Thus, twice cursed will be grandfather Wacław, Wacław.

Mom, say something. I hired a DJ.

I don't know, son. A church is a church.

What is it? The funeral hasn't ended yet!

Mr. Pępawa, you paid for 15 minutes.

And I played one minute longer out of pity. It's pathetic.

Give me a break. A man tries, pays, stands in line, and you're still unhappy.

Screw this.

The one who speaks wicked words over the grave

will recant them in front of the corpse!

Amen.

SUCHT-BLACH BODY AND PAINT SHOP

SUCHT-BLACH WE WILL REPAIR YOUR CAR FOR A GOOD PRICE!

- Where do I put this Corsa? - In four.

- But four's taken. - Then three.

- Three's taken too. - As are two and one.

Damn it, this is a workshop, not a junkyard.

They bring in junk, and I have to work on it for half pay.

Why did I offer special prices?

- Bogdan. - Aren't you forgetting yourself?

You're the boss when we hunt demons.

Mr. Suchta rules here.

Marcinek, with this attitude, who knows, you might get promoted in a few years.

From towing to painting.

And you, Boguś, grab a mop and scrub the floors.

The paint shop must be dustless.

Mr. Bogdan, Marcin, why are you here?

I called you a half hour ago on the Phone of Providence.

The villages are full of demons.

Wait a minute, the kid and the fat guy are fighting these demons until 7 p.m.

And let me tell you, Domino, we are much better off than on Earth.

It may not be a dream job, but it pays well.

Like in the UK.

Seriously, guys? What am I gonna do?

The villages are fu--

Hey!

Suchta.

Yeah.

Yes, at a special price.

I'll send someone.

Boguś, kid, you're going to Bobrowice.

A3.

I'll go crazy in this village.

Luckily, I brought a little bit of the city with me.

Shit, I swallowed it.

And the city went to hell.

Maybe if I smoke the resin like the college students do...

Like a poor man.

I hope it's a mole for two reasons.

First, I'll die laughing being high.

And second, I won't shit myself.

It is a mole! I will shit myself after all.

But of laughter, not fear.

Go away!

He's so ugly. Almost like Grandpa Wacław.

But less stinky.

Okay.

Grandma?

Shit, that nosy old lady caught me.

She and Mom will nag me about what I did in college

and tell me to get a job.

"Being a YouTuber is not a job." Tell that to Paweł Jumper!

Look, Grandma, it's just a herbal inhaler,

a sleep aid.

You should try it...

Grandma?

Inhaler, for fuck's sake!

You reek of ganja like a bus to Kostrzyn, so don't give me this bullshit!

Weed is for children!

We hippies were pumping heroin into our veins!

Shame on you!

Mom, grandma seems to have overdosed on drugs again!

You hear me? She's gone wild!

Maybe not as bad as last time, but it's bad.

Mom!

Mom?

Are you crazy?

Come on, Bogdan! It's almost there!

Ooh la la.

That's it. It's the gearbox.

For the love of God,

what kind of roadside assistance needs assistance itself?

Had I known, I would've called a cab

and left that junk in the field where it belongs.

So much for the Iguano gig.

Four hours in a ditch like a prole.

Excuse me, we got here in 40 minutes.

Really? It helped me a lot

that you've been spinning in the mud for over three hours.

How do I get back home?

I've got an idea.

We will start your car and tow the truck with it.

Relax, I know what I'm doing.

Mom, Grandma, calm down!

Or give me what you had.

Damned dementia. Where did I hide the heroin?

Tell me, you bastard!

Okay, I get it. Tomorrow I'll start looking for a job.

Not tomorrow! Today!

And not for a job but for a coffin!

Peace to this household!

Hands up, or get your asses back to Hell!

You put your hands up your ass!

Oh yeah? Then taste my Aspergillum of Providence!

Shit, it's not charged.

Amen.

You cunning Judas!

To the basement, quickly!

That's right! In the basement!

Oh no, I'm not a junkie.

I've been a good boy all my life.

I only drink alcohol socially on weekends.

And I torture myself with a vegan diet

because I want to live past 60, unlike my dad and grandpa.

May they rest in peace.

Talk all you want, loser. And here goes the golden shot.

My Harley, this is it

Fuck, what human trash.

I hope I didn't pick up anything.

I'll do a battery of tests in cosmic hell along with colano...

Collarcosco... The one with the scope up my ass.

One is out.

Shit, what was that?

I'm sure it can be logically explained.

Then explain this!

I drank 0.7l of vodka myself, and I'm still standing!

What happened?

What happened? The curse is lifted!

Now just bury your grandpa properly, on consecrated ground,

at your expense, of course,

and it's done!

We'll settle the bill before the ceremony.

He begrudged a few hundred for the burial, and now we won't close in a thousand.

How much?

Even after death I have to do everything myself!

I'll start by burning the house with a cursed flame!

Shit, run!

Where are you going?

- Grandpa. - Now it's "Grandpa."

While few hours ago, it was "an old geezer"!

You wanted to bury your grandpa like a dog.

What have I done to you

that you condemn me to eternal damnation?

What damnation?

- What demons? This is all bullshit! - He sees, yet he doesn't believe.

This demon will kill you in a minute and what?

You won't die because you won't believe?

- God willing. - God won't help you here!

And the curse bursts the cesspool!

Oh, so shit doesn't burn. My bad!

Well, while waiting for it to dry...

oral torture!

One thousand and one jokes about the head shepherd!

I know them by heart!

A shepherd comes to a brothel and pulls out his dick.

It's very small.

Wiping away tears, the kindergarten teacher says,

"Wrong address, sir."

And the shepherd says, "Damn it, hey!"

Grandpa, have mercy, I can't take it anymore.

Kill us!

Two shepherds are measuring each other's male parts.

They're giant!

Excuse me, do you have a fire extinguisher I could borrow?

Oh shit.

Marcinek!

A stranger in the farmyard?

You...

Thank you.

You're welcome. 200 zlotys. No invoice, otherwise it's not worth it.

Bogdan, what about me?

Shit, Domino? What are you doing here?

What you should be but aren't doing!

Do something about this evil force!

Well, there's no point returning to Mr. Suchta with this truck.

Marcinek, leave that bucket and find some pitchforks!

But the truck is already on fire.

Fuck, what are you doing, people?

Marcinek, pitchforks!

There's no time, Boss.

I know, and I hope Father Domino figures it out.

Fools! You will all die here!

Marcin, this water, though dirty, will not harm him.

It'd have to be...

Oh, right! Amen!

You sneaky bastard.

It's like in that joke about the shepherd with three balls instead of a dick!

It can be explained logically, after all.

- When in fear, God is dear. - Amen.

Okay, cash or credit? But I'm warning you, I don't have the Terminal of Providence.

Cash.

How do I prevent it from happening again?

It's all right.

Was it worth it?

THE END

Exorcist for less than three hundred

Actually, for two hundred More if you want an invoice

Watch out, Beelzebutt He will kick your butt

Watch out, Buttcifer He will get you in his sights