Original subtitles

BAD EXORCIST

"This is gonna be a good evening," I thought.

Good evening.

And I said.

The canon of crime.

First, always say hello to your neighbors, so that if things go south, they can say,

"Oh, he was such a good boy. He always said hello."

Today is the day. My first serious customer.

From retail to wholesale.

From small fry to small potatoes.

What could be better for a 22-year-old boy in this country than dealing drugs?

At this age, I can even go to prison.

I have the time.

Fuck.

I don't know if I thought it or said it.

Hey! You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Sorry, Mrs. Maciejewska. My shoe got untied.

Since I became a dealer,

I hate dogs twice as much.

First, they bite.

Second, fuck the police.

Go away!

Point two of the canon. No adultery. That's what brothels are for.

Point three. Always carry pepper spray.

Got ya, you mutt. You've been sprayed before.

Shit.

Come on!

"Express, my ass," I thought.

I'll look like an amateur if I eat a kebab during the deal.

What's going on?

Now we're talking! First food, then business.

Hey, I'm Fatso. Call me Tomek.

- Sroka. - How's the grub?

Oh, it's already good. Double XXL.

Are you gonna pick it up?

I'm so full.

That's what I'd say if this double XXL was really double.

Wasn't it small?

Thanks for saving me with yours because a hungry man is a bad man.

No offense. Where did you park?

Fuck, so far away?

Like it matters whether we get caught here or there.

Okay, give me the stuff, and I'll push it to the punks for 50 each.

As we agreed, 25 each, but you take it all.

Sure, bro, you have it in writing.

Didn't I text you?

Oh, is he yours?

Clever. If there is a woman on patrol,

she'll get distracted by the dog and forget about the check.

Just wash him because he smells like shit.

This was not my dog.

This was not a good evening.

I don't know how, but I knew that I was going to die.

The fifth and final point of the canon of crime,

fuck the--

LAWN MOWING CHEAP!

That's exactly how

I imagined a company event.

I liked it.

- Only there wasn't enough food. - There was no food at all.

- Exactly. - They give? You take.

I don't know what school you went to, but certainly not elementary.

We should've charged at least 1,000 zlotys for the renovation of this bar,

not a one-time open bar.

How much vodka can you drink? One bottle?

- That's the second one. - So two.

I got the hiccups from this Coke.

- See? - And I like my water.

Too bad I have to go to the loo to get it.

- Want some? - Make it louder.

...a dogcatcher torn to pieces, but the police says it wasn't a dog.

More like a bitch.

It's a busy night for the authorities.

Mysterious mutilations occurred across the county.

Now that's a dog's life.

For Fib's Pulse, Marcin Staśker.

A stray dog.

Boss, come on, that's nonsense.

Even in Hell we laugh at this legend.

And I'm not laughing. I used to laugh at hemorrhoids.

Now I cry about them.

Don't move, police! Hands up! All illegal substances on the table!

It's just a police joke.

Put it away, before I change my mind.

I have a business with this gentleman.

Bogdan, I didn't want to say this on TV so I wouldn't look like a nut,

but I think this is the work of the supernatural.

We're having a company event right now.

I'll be available tomorrow morning around 1 p.m. Make it, 5 p.m.

What do I tell people, Boner?

Seven bodies, mangled as if run over by a disc harrow.

Not for me, Bogdan.

For those people.

How long can it take? You'll be tanking up again in an hour.

Speaking of, give me a shot.

No way, this is a closed party.

Ooh, dear.

What's it gonna be, Boguś?

- 200 zlotys. - Boner, 100.

And I'll turn a blind eye to your DUI.

'Cause you're not going on foot.

What "DUI"? I'm so--

Exactly.

And you, put your ID and stuff from your pocket on the table.

I tore so many people to pieces today!

Like a badass.

I think it's that fatso's speed that gave me such a kick.

You should have tried it.

Man, I'm a dog. Chocolate can kill us. You know what would happen if I tried it?

- Bullshit. - I don't know why you follow me.

You're like a dog with a bone. Woof.

Not my fault, pal.

I wouldn't be here if your owner hadn't cursed you for biting him.

That's why you can talk. To my detriment.

And I don't think I've heard a "thank you" yet.

- Who untied you? - Don't even remind me.

Damn mutt. What tempted me to buy you for Christmas?

If only that turd would walk you... But no, I have to.

Every day at 5 a.m., as if he couldn't pee at 7.

I wish I had such a routine.

I spend hours over the toilet, dripping with pain.

And how much the prince eats! And better than I do.

The dog food is twice as expensive as headcheese.

And how does he return the kindness?

The damn mutt bit me.

May the devil take you!

Done.

But just so it's not like I didn't give you a chance,

here, know your master's mercy.

I'm too good for you, Halinka.

If a man has a big heart, he must have a tough butt.

Your eyes will open as mine close.

That's what happened, I swear. I've been pondering over it.

I know why I killed him.

But why I bit him? I have no idea.

He was in the doghouse, I guess. Wait.

No.

I can smell fear. Dog in trouble!

Woof-woof! Help!

Bad people have tied me here to die,

and I am actually dying of boredom!

Shut up, Domino!

We tied you 20 seconds ago.

Besides, dogs don't talk unless they're cursed.

- Can I at least get a cell then? - No.

- What about a phone? - No!

What about some food?

Fine, I get it. Woof-woof, doggone it!

Didn't I tell you? There he is! Tied to a tree.

Poor thing. Are you okay, my friend?

Fuck, these bushes.

Jesus, what an eyesore.

Come on, smell my butt. Where are your manners?

Isn't "good morning" enough?

He can talk! So the poor thing's cursed.

You bit him, huh?

Don't worry, we're gonna wander together,

piss on walls, chase bikes.

And the demons will kill. Right, where's your demon?

If he tried to bite me, he would be hung on that tree,

not tied to it.

And not by a leg but by balls.

You scoundrel. That's why I smell booze!

And dogs don't like it!

Hey, Burek, I do the tearing!

Or fine, let's see. Get him.

You're dead.

Adaś, give me a pocketknife.

Where's the ball?

Oh no, not this again.

- Should I kill him? - Are you nuts? He has a ball.

He has power over me.

Even if he pretends to throw it, I'll run like a moron.

See? I told you.

The only thing worse than a ball is food. Like chips for example.

Oh no!

Gimme one. Gimme! Come on, don't be like that.

Good boy. Want a chip? Come on.

What's going on?

Burek, heel!

I can't, Adaś! It's stronger than me.

Cursed or not, the dog is primarily a beggar.

I know what you're up to.

But know this, asshole.

A cursed dog is immortal as long as it is cursed.

He won't die even if he gets hit by a truck.

Here, doggy. Enjoy.

Burek? What are you doing?

God forbid you go near the cross.

Oh no! The curse is getting weaker!

Stupid dickheads, what have you done?

It was so awesome!

Really, mortals, doggone--

Shit, it's 9.45 p.m.

They close the open bar in two hours, and I am completely sober!

Follow me to the bar!

I don't get it.

I really don't.

I gave him so many treats, threw the ball,

played with sticks, and he still bit me.

Good thing you didn't curse him.

Well, I felt a little sorry for him when you shot him.

Wait, where's Domino?

Well, I have to free myself somehow.

Goodbye, leg.

THE END

Exorcist for less than three hundred

Actually, for two hundred More if you want an invoice

Watch out, Beelzebutt He will kick your butt

Watch out, Buttcifer He will get you in his sights