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BAD EXORCIST

1410 RECIPES BY SISTER LEOKADIA

You really are a tool, Wiktor.

Not only is waste collection point free, it's twice as close as these woods.

My grandfather used to dump trash in the woods.

Seriously?

My father used to dump trash in the woods.

- Wiktor-- - And my son--

I'm your son-in-law, not your son.

I may call you "Dad" in front of Basia, but I won't dump trash in the woods.

Roman, I will not be around forever.

Just promise me one thing.

That was close.

What a clunker.

Please tell me you have a spare wheel.

But I have a jack.

There you go.

Out of fuel.

Gentlemen, please let me in.

Or at least let me hide in the trash.

I'll pay you--

Priest Natan

All fear him, even

Satan!

Ouch!

This crucifix whip is effective, but in the wrong hands...

Archbishop?

Yes.

Yes.

I'll be there in a minute.

I'm here.

Isn't it too early for alcohol?

Don't look at me. It's four hours until the first Mass.

Oh no.

Archbishop, what is this bum doing here?

Natan...

Do you know how many liquor stores would be closed if it weren't for me?

I'm a hero in some circles.

To me, you'll always be a zero.

Zero is what your dad was thinking when he didn't use a condom.

You...!

Enough!

Put away the crucifix whip. It's not a toy.

In the wrong hands...

Anyway, never mind.

Are you familiar with this reading?

The Bible?

Then no. Too thick.

You idiot, it's a sacred book.

Written in code. Sister had a vision.

There is a prophecy hidden between the cabbage rolls and the brownie.

Sister was a real piece of work, so the prophecy is bawdy.

Archbishop, please.

Oh, right. I grant you a dispensation.

One kilogram of boneless pork shoulder mince.

And he spun her like the devil!

Because he was the devil.

One finely diced onion.

Rear entry, front entry. Reverse missionary.

Allspice, bay leaf.

And even though it was supposed to be a drunken adventure...

Pour in water or broth.

...she became pregnant with the devil.

Add some salt and two tablespoons of oil.

The end.

But Archbishop,

that's just a juicy story for seminarians

for long, lonely evenings, since there's no Internet in the seminary.

That's why you know it by heart.

Every priest knows it.

That's why the confessional priest of the Słupki parish

immediately called the yellow phone.

Even if it's true,

I'm not working with this simp.

You won't have to.

What a shame.

What a shame.

They're gonna break our window with dung, and they'll be in the right.

Danka.

Danka, try to remember this fella,

and you'll be married in a month.

Who was the clever one to get you knocked up? Oślica?

I don't think so.

Then who? Zbuk?

Zbuk!

And I showed him how to sow carrots.

Not to plant, but to sow.

Dad, how can it be Zbuk? He's in prison.

This is how discos end. Disco polo, booze, and pregnant belly!

What are you talking about?

I know what I'm talking about. How do you think we made you?

The guy from Milano sang so beautifully that your mom went with just about anyone.

But I had my pride!

The next day, I came shaved and washed,

and asked old Baciura for permission.

And now?

The fiancé's there, he just left! Besides, Danusia isn't pregnant.

She's just fat. That's right, we can afford it.

- Father? - Does Danuta Bączek live here?

OMEN DISCO

Omen Disco? Boss, it's closed during the day.

For a nip go to the store.

You heard, Domino? Go to the store.

Yes, sir.

It's good that Domino's back.

- That was rough, huh? - Don't even remind me.

In the countryside, children are only conceived in discos.

If the girl got pregnant,

it must have happened in the loo or in this parking lot.

This is where we'll set up our ambush.

Get undressed.

So you're saying it's not a guy, but the devil himself, Father?

- That's right. - Got the envelope, buddy?

Then why are you talking nonsense?

Oh! It's your baby, you wolf in sheep's clothing.

How else would you know that? This is what we're gonna do.

Take off your collar, and tomorrow we'll publish the announcement.

I'm surprised, though. Such a handsome boy.

You could do better.

Danusia, I found him!

Do you hear me?

Danka!

Holy moly, Danusia's waters just broke.

What? But there's still time.

Devils do it faster.

Just one crumb...

Relax, I'll eat it off the floor too.

Boss, isn't there another way? I'm a little embarrassed.

Two men tried to drag me to the loo and one to the dance floor.

That's the point! It's good. That's how it's supposed to be.

No, thanks. Sorry, I'm waiting for someone.

Damn, I'm cold in this dress.

But that's nothing compared to how much these heels hurt.

Boss, something's going on outside.

This could be it.

Marcinek, under no circumstances should you not get into this car.

But how, Boss? Can't you see the competition here?

And they're real girls.

Come on, Marcinek, don't be so modest.

Over and out!

I'm really sorry.

You'll thank me someday.

Hi. Nice car.

Oh, a girl with initiative.

Would you like a ride?

I can see the head.

Just as I thought, a horned bastard.

And how ugly!

Quickly, Mr. Bączek, start the buzz saw!

Mr. Bączek, hurry up!

- Jesus! - The coffin's ready.

- What now? - The hardest part.

We have to put it in there and detonate the charge.

Oh no...

I told you not to go that far.

Let them look! You have tinted windows anyway!

I'm embarrassed!

It may sound silly on a first date,

but I have a small dick.

But the size doesn't matter.

Trust me, it does.

Watch out. Now push me forward!

It's not gonna work. I have to call Bączek for a tractor.

Done. He's dead.

Thank God the baby survived.

Hello?

No can do.

- Who's that? - Oślica. He's stuck again.

Now it's "Mr. Bączek," and yesterday he almost broke our windows with manure.

Fucking Bączek. The whole family deserves each other.

A pregnant teenage daughter with no baby daddy in sight.

What a damn shame.

Shit, I hope it's not mine. No, I'm sure it's not.

Who believes the erotic fantasies of an old nun?

This book is sold at the post office.

Speaking of which, will you handle my male parts?

Marcinek, now!

Sorry, Boss. I won't go that far.

Now it's your turn.

Oh well.

An ambush?

Boss, he got me!

That's the original paint!

I'm gonna kill you!

Marcinek, now!

I'm going to hell for this.

Oh, so it's that small. Are you ill?

No. I was born like this.

I've seen pussies bigger than this.

Yeah, like you've seen a pussy. Look!

Oh no!

What a shame!

He burned with shame.

Let's go back, or I'll burn too.

No need, Mr. Bączek.

I took the first one instinctively, but if I really wanted to charge you,

even your inheritance wouldn't be enough.

Never mind, God bless.

Wait, Father.

We are poor, so let us at least return the favor in this way.

Cabbage rolls. You don't have these in the city.

THE END

Exorcist for less than three hundred

Actually, for two hundred More if you want an invoice

Watch out, Beelzebutt He will kick your butt

Watch out, Buttcifer He will get you in his sights