Original subtitles

[Music]

n

[Music]

the doctor is here my lady

[Music]

my dear son Dr trellion how good of you

to call I thought you were still in the

Bahamas I had to fly back to see you I'm

so worried there's simply no one out

there I could consult with any

confidence oh come now they've got some

excellent chaps out there none who

understand like you do how kind of you

now what appears to be the trouble I

don't know where to

begin oh this is so

embarrassing oh come now we've known

each other for many years you can

confide in

me it's

George he doesn't love me

anymore I don't believe it you must be

mistaken no I'm

not it's been going on for some time now

it's making me quite ill my nerves are

simply shot to pieces I can't sleep

worrying about it you must help

me and so I

shall that's what I'm here for now first

of all have you told me everything no I

haven't last

week he attacked me he what he attacked

me how Gastly for you he bit me George

bit

you

George you naughty little boy you

naughty ungrateful little boy

distressing mommy like this well we'll

have to see what's wrong with him won't

we he must be ill oh no I don't worry my

dear we'll soon get him well

again do you want him to say

wolof no that won't be necessary

H I think it's advisable to take him

into the nursing home for a few days how

soon can you admit

him I'm afraid he much too ill to be

moved to the

morning I'd feel much easier if you

could stay with

him I sh leave his

side where does he normally

sleep

there I think it best not to disturb him

never mind about that start clicking

that

thing I'll leave you with it then not

much more I can do report to me first

thing in the morning

[Music]

n

[Music]

he

oh

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

but she was absolutely

different I'm about

don't re ask

can't you keep your spawn under control

don't refer to your children as spawn

what spawn mom there now see what you've

done you put filthy thoughts into that

boy's head I'll put a chopper in his

head if he doesn't behave himself now

clear off and go to school if you were a

proper father they might pay you more

respect you never read to them you never

play with them you hardly ever see them

work that's all you think about what

work do you do Dad I am not at Liberty

to divulge that now now Henry you know

your your father can't tell you about

his job why is it a rotten job no it's

not a rotten job it's a very important

job well we've got to write a

composition at school about you what my

father does for a living and tell them

to mind their own business well he can't

put that down you say your father's a

civil servant Co is that all a rotten

old office job Arthur stringer's dad

makes atom bombs well good luck to him

and Willie dona's dad flies Jets I don't

care what Willie dona's dad does go to

go it's not fair they've all got good

jobs except you well I'm not putting you

down if you work in a rot old office say

he's dead I do when they ask me yeah

that's it he's dead I'll say he got

killed in the wall trying to escape from

a German prison camp hanging on the

bobbed wall with his guts hanging out

goodbye mom goodbye off you go

man

he

he Charming what lovable children we've

managed to concu one of these days ELC

I'll tell them security or no security I

will not have my spawn ashamed of

me well it's your own fault you should

never become a spy in the first

place you're not suited to it Elsie dear

I am not a spy I'm in Counter

Intelligence well you haven't got very

far in it have you honestly Stanley I I

don't think you'll push yourself enough

I mean you've been with them a long time

now it's about time you had some

promotion I don't know how other spies

wives manage but I find it very hard now

the children are growing up here we go

same old grandar phone record you're not

getting any more housekeeping money look

how much that James Bond gets he gambles

more in one night than you earn in a

whole year that's whole book stuff

nothing like it in real life good

Heavens I've been 23 years in the

service I never yet walked into a hotel

room and found a naked woman in me bed

and you better not don't worry about me

Elsie I'll get

promotion I'm working on an idea now

that will blow their heads off oh what

is it you know better than to ask that

I've said too much

already but just you

wait what time will you be home tonight

I haven't the faintest idea well I

should be off to bingo I'll leave your

sausages in the oven than go thank you

very

much

oh my old man's D he wears a dust he

wears C blind drous and he lives in a c

of f he looks a

prop he looks a prop

[Music]

oh Lord where are your keys I left

them in the

office Counter

[Music]

Intelligence stupid

[Music]

hello hello do what Mary P calling

birthday cake oh yeah birthday cake to

marsipan go ahead maripan keep your

voice I got a license to this thing if

the police get a fix on me I've add it

I've been keeping the subject under

observation

yes you've got photographs of him doing

what you haven't well done rley we got

him for life keep at it lad well done

over and

out pictures of him

[Music]

hey hey hey

[Music]

hey hey you're far hey you hey hey

you're alive

[Music]

good

Heavens morning

Stanley oh good morning Commander I

thought you were in Budapest buest

that's right hungry R Mania yes things

are a bit dicey there for a time oh just

managed to get out in time

well let's see how things go Istanbul

next week

Istanbul I

say are you um are you still living in

Wimbledon uh yes sir yes sir I say I'm

terribly

sorry oh it's nothing really where did

you lose it I um I didn't lose it I um I

left it in the office

H oh I see

is

morning Miss March

Banks oh good morning Mr

par any messages

any messages I'm not sure but I think

there are one or two messages here for

you oh anything from the chief there's

one here from the

chief is there anything to do with my

report I think it has something to do

with your report they want to see you as

soon as you come

in well why didn't you tell me I mean I

wouldn't have known anything about it if

I hadn't asked would I it's a pleasure

Johnny good F damned ingenious then you

do intend proceeding with it sir I

didn't say that I said it was damned

ingenious it's also very dangerous

extremely dangerous well yes I realize

that but surely the advantages to our

security outweigh any dangers involved I

mean this could be the greatest

intelligence Coupe of this Century but

what if it backfired Redland wouldn't

like it if they found out farare they

might even Chuck something at us yes

quite it's pretty dirty isn't it pretty

dirty oh squalled sir hardly Cricket it

is definitely a dirty trick isn't

it yes I suppose it is yes well I

suppose we better do it before anybody

else thinks of

it thank you very much indeed sir yes I

shall make you personally responsible

for carrying it out FAA yes sir

have you considered who you're going to

get to do the actual job far oh yes sir

we've got Justin man we're checking on

him now he's under 24hour surveillance

good here you are FAL authority to

proceed oh thank you very much

sir um sir

H oh BL haven't we got any ordinary ink

in this place

[Music]

uh

[Music]

a thank you

Higgins my chaur will drive you

here Francis we can't go on meeting like

this my husband's getting suspicious I

mean it's the fourth time in 2 weeks the

dog's been taken ill in the middle of

the night well why not buy some more

dogs then we can spit it around a bit oh

you poor darling she's bitten you no my

love that was

you this was her well tell her next you

was my sweet Riley Drive Mrs Winter's

home will

you yes

sir lovely morning he yes sir it is

morning Jah

morning do good

morning good good morning ah morning

good morning dear how are you fresh

sweet so nice to see you lovely to see

morning

Dr Dr my favorite

good morning morning Dr Tran

hello going off first floor animal

clothing boys and girls kennel's cag's

presents birthday and greeting cards

second floor outpatients nervous

disorders casualty and maternity Wards

the anti natal Clinic please third floor

Madam right along from the dental clinic

thank you good morning

[Music]

[Music]

Helen good morning

[Music]

pled temperature down to normal take

another Blood CL tomorrow will

[Music]

you I'm delighted discharge the bunnies

next Tuesday keep the kittens till

Thursday then anti-natal Clinic twice a

week

[Music]

[Music]

dear may I

[Music]

now not too many blow waves Julian we

don't want him to look effeminate do we

[Music]

very impressive

eh the waste coat only weighs 2B very

good very good don't throw the jacket

away the one's very handy with the

needle well done car on

oh ah here we are

I think you'll find this is what you

want

oh I say now it's been tested should

last about a year range 2,000 M 2,000

mil thank you very much the best of luck

thank you thank

you that looks difficult keep it up keep

it up

what are these cigarette lighters

flamethrowers try it thank you very

much I say that's

marvelous it's a little Wireless that

marvous very clever very

very what's this then a sword stick all

it's a parachute a

parachute get out of

No don't touch it oh Mr farer oh

no

call you're right it is a parachute two

tins corn beef yeah one packet Corn

Flakes yes half a dozen

what half a dozen pink toilet

rooll all right yes I'll try and get

them in the luncher Elsie will you

please clear the

line good

goodbye might have been a wounded agent

trying to get through police battering

down his bedroom door pink toilet

rolls com

in agent 319 report sir all right

Wrigley we can dispense with code

numbers in here what's happened to you I

fell out of my cradle

sir have you got the

stuff is it safe to speak sir Wrigley if

we can't speak here we can't speak

anywhere can we after all this is the

Hub of it all isn't it

this completes the dosier on the subject

under observation career background

politics it's all their sir do what

career background politics it's all

their sir there's no point that we got

to shout is there there's no point that

we've got

[Music]

to right you was say

career politics and um private

life I say

rle you live learned don't

you you know you really are getting

better at

this thank you sir look at that

definition you can almost see his

toenails Wrigley wriggley action

stations after weeks of a hard CFT we

are now ready to strike get the file get

the

file watch in there sir don't touch that

he'll have your hand off in there

Wrigley is the instrument of my

promotion operation Bandy

legs

Downy telephone our good Dr I make an

appointment for us to see him this

afternoon

[Music]

[Music]

I I see a do

[Music]

M what does it

say can we be a overheard what's the

matter with you can't you read or

something you know I have a monkey

outside that can write better than

that would you mind explaining this

intrusion who are you I'm as caution you

that anything that's said from now on

comes under the official Secrets act you

breathe one word to anyone and the only

vetting you'll be doing is on dirty big

rats in the Tower of London there we

are that's who I am

Stanley

Fara Counter

Intelligence there must be some mistake

we do not make mistakes Mr

taram

trellion TR we are the Secret Service

and not all of it I

[Laughter]

trust rley

oh it's a

bulldog I was expecting carrier

pigeons this is what we've come about

the

pooch this wouldn't by any chance be the

dog that our prime minister is going to

give to the Russian Prime Minister would

it how did you know that come on man

answer me how did you know about this

dog you slipped up there didn't you who

are you working for come on man I demand

an answer how did you know the

newspapers it's on the front

page is

it did you know about this yes sir uh

USS and standard oh why didn't you tell

me we're supposed to be working together

we're supposed to be I should be told

about things like

this when the Prime Minister visits

Moscow next week for talks with the

Russian Prime Minister he will be taking

with him Israeli a pedigree Bulldog as a

gift from the British

people yeah well there's no arm done yes

Mr tra this is the dog Israeli and we've

been investigating you for some time now

you've been doing what investigating you

well how dare you this is a direct

violation of human Liberty I'm going to

get onto my mp about this I know some

very influ infuential people who are

also my clients you'll be very very

sorry oh now sir sir may I call you sir

calm down calm down okay sit down sit

down there are

what Wrigley stop wondering about will

you you're making the gentleman nervous

spy m is Sir the point is we have

investigated you we have got a dosier on

you and we do know all about you

oh you do do you

I see and the firm is quite convinced

that you're the right man for the job

what job come to the point man

bigly do you know what I got in there

not until you open

it no of course not just

me do you know what that is I haven't

the faintest idea a

transmitter incredible yes it's a great

technological achievement Great Britain

doesn't lag behind you know it keeps up

with the

times made in

Japan is it mhm sure you

sure so it is ah well they're very

clever the niones you know they're

little people they got tiny fingers

anyway we want this dog buged we want

this here inside in there and why didn't

you put it into his food oh we try that

the first one he chewed to Ribbons the

second time it came out the other end

after 6 hours no we want it fixed in him

permanently so it won't do any harm but

where it can't be detected I absolutely

refuse to operate on dogs that are

healthy it's monstrous and as for

putting any forign be an OB in it for

you

OB really

that puts quite a different complexion

on it and of course it won't do him any

harm will it an OB would be very good

for

business no I couldn't ethically it

would be quite out of the question how

about a

Knighthood a

night for

services to

animals Sir Francis TR o what both of

them yes I think so didn't to all right

I'll do it good man good man behold the

Trojan dog oh oh I like that that's

marvelous behold the Trojan dog Wrigley

did you hear that what he said just then

behold the Trojan dog you said a that's

marvelous instead of a gutful of

soldiers this let's celebrate you know

there are times when life really is

worth living rather an obvious place for

a safe sir

yes it is isn't

[Music]

it never mind rley you can't find them

all what do you have I think I'll take a

vodka martini crashed eyes twist a lemon

stirred not shaken I'm terribly sorry we

have to

vodka I'll have a beer then

[Music]

may I congratulate you that was

beautiful to watch not a air out of

place thank you they'll never find it in

a month or Sunday will I have to wait

till the new year before I get my night

food no no no we'll slide in on her

birthday rley ready for testing yes sir

right go switch on then we'll stay here

with the dog

look at him happy as a big in

shortage Hello Dolly

face you ugly blackhearted swine how

long do you think you're last in the CRI

and going like that I can see it now the

only conversations would be picking up

will be from Salt miners can't you do a

front lcop toy or whatever a labotomy a

what a a loty labotomy on his brain and

Mak him docile or something he'll be all

right when he settled in

yes Mazy pan to who oh it's it it's it's

it get on with it Wrigley all set sir I

said get on with it ready when you are

sir

right testing testing 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

needed to get so closer he says not to

get so close

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday

Friday the rusi had a little dog its

face is black as Sin and everywhere the

ruskies went we was listening

in Wrigley did you get that yes sir

clear as a bell as clear as a

bell we've done it we've done it and

that's just the beginning think of it a

bucked animal to every leader in the

world and Great Britain will be great

again back in our rightful PR PX brania

my dear sir we will rule the

world and so Mr Prime Minister I would

deem it as an honor if you accept this

animal this may I say uniquely British

animal in the hope that during its

lifetime it will serve as a constant

reminder of the warm friendship and

understanding that exists between the

people of our two great countries

[Applause]

[Music]

Mr Prime Minister on behalf of the

people of the Soviet Union I thank you

for this fine animal which for me will

always be a symbol of the spirit of the

British people during the last

war two great countries respiration

normal in the vernacular of our American

cousins I would say everything is a okay

all systems go good good have a

c oh my head oh dear never again have to

cut down these parties it's not worth it

oh that Moroccan

food it's worse than that stuff that

nesser gave

me come

in hurry hurry you fool

did you get it Courage my prime minister

relief is just a swallow away I got some

from the American

Embassy give it to our chemists have it

analyzed we must start our own Factory

immediately

[Music]

we have completely reorganized our

Espionage system in London we have

placed at its head Sergey dimitro Alias

arur fig who runs a secondhand carpet

arade in tockenham

[Music]

[Applause]

congratulations on your kbe sir very

richly deserved if I may say Sir oh

thank you may I may I may I see almost

certainly oh very nice you got the uh I

got the the obies oh yes yes I've got

one of

those Charming couple aren't they sir

swee is yes

that's the doggy fellow isn't it oh yes

should be offer him our congratulations

huh no I don't think so I know perhaps

you're all

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

right get out

of I I beg your pardon your

majesty I'm so sorry

I'm so

sorry

congratulations congratulations

Wellwood show congratulations

[Music]

congratulations congratulations on your

OB sir was thoroughly deserved and we're

all very proud of you oh thank you Helen

I'm sure it was meant for us all Helen

yes sir when is the Queen's

birthday it's very humiliating to be

forced to hold cabinet meetings in

places like this at least this is better

than others Lenin's tomb has never been

a favorite place of

mine Congress we have no choice until

the information leak is stopped the

Kremlin is

unsafe ah the prime minister is

[Music]

coming Come Along come along

Disraeli another fine place you've

chosen

how long must this farce go on what are

you at security doing about it we are

going to The Source London our top agent

in Europe is being

assigned who is it go on go on this

friend blast blast what a time to run

away the Dopey dog I never like dogs you

can't trust them women and dogs and kids

they'll always let you down

always as well at least you know they're

sending somebody to

London Wrigley what are you doing up

there well sir um I thought we ought to

St in your Lookout he's not likely to be

in our backyard is he well no I suppose

not and you don't know what he looks

like D no sir well come down you

fool send in their top man eh so it's

going to be a battle of wits is it well

don't you worry javelli he won't get any

change out of me whoever he is

[Music]

G princess this is an honor this really

is an honor no it is you right her

General To the victor mus go the

spoils gee I thought I'd arrive too late

for the spoils this is my first trip to

Europe I didn't expect people to be

grateful all this

time may I continue man oh please

don't wa till the wife hears about

this you're going to tell your wife

about me well well I I wouldn't normally

but but a princess she'll be tickled

pink was a great honor for her too you

know for both of us your

highness how long are you staying in

London oh not as long as I'd like to the

conference is finished I'm due at NATO

headquarters tomorrow oh oh what a shame

our encounter has been so brief

yes A Brief

Encounter but don't take it too hard

princess I may be able to wangle an

extra day h no no you must go Duty

before

everything there's no need to rush my

plane doesn't leave till morning oh we

shall meet again my general fate cannot

keep us

apart I tell you I don't have to

hurry here here here I I I've got some

chocolate

bars chocolate bars thank you and some

nylons thank you

thank oh oh please but I've got nowhere

to go I didn't check into a hotel and

it's after 2:00 in the morning I can't

understand your changeing attitude

princess is It Something I Said No no no

did I offend Protocol no no please for

your own sake your

career leave while I still have the

strength to resist you huh you have

awaken uncontrollable passion of me gee

I have and if you stay I'm afraid I

might never be able to let you go the

hell with NATO I'll tell him I'm here

and love like ours will be strengthened

by poting I have a two we Furlow in July

till July then

can I bring you something from the PX uh

some canned Jam canned corn beef

soup anything you

like soap no soap see you in

July your next assignment is here in

London number one priority from the

chief of intelligence himself those are

your

instructions and this

is your

target now princess Natasia we have a

crisis on our hands the presidium are

deeply concerned with these security

leaks we believe we are up against the

most important brilliant and ruthless

agent in the entire British secret

service Stanley

FAA photographed here with his wife and

for want of a better word his

[Music]

children if on the other hand you find

he is not the man

responsible then we must revert to our

previous assessment of

him namely the man is a neurotic

as Britain got a super James

Bond oh hello

Elsie Stanley yes yeah dear listen I'm

very sorry but I won't be able to get

home

tonight what do you mean

again no what do you mean what do you

mean again well when was it last

time I I'll tell you the last time 1952

British Legion dinner

of course you haven't lost your feminine

attraction what are you talking

about I can't wriggle his ear

re get out of

here get

off I love

you satis fine it's the fog it's very

foggy Elsie we're not drifting apart I

just can't see where I'm going please

sorry Elie good night go to bed I'll see

you tomorrow don't forget to lock the

doors and that lab window good night

good night

Elsie

rley

Wrigley Wrigley

[Music]

9008

907

909 I you right next door sir if anybody

attacks you during the night just bang

on the wall thank you Wrigley you're a

great

comfort good night sir

good night Wrigley

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

me

[Music]

[Music]

your mother got one for Christmas

[Music]

[Music]

good evening it's

happened after 23 years in the service

it's finally

happened who are you madam and what are

you doing in my room I was waiting for

you

Stanley Stanley

Stanley how do you know my

name how do you know what are you up to

I know you're one of these women who

look in a hotel register find some

lightly looking mug whip up to his room

and 10 minutes later your husband comes

barging in demanding money well you pick

the wrong money up you got the wrong

money

my my assistant is next door he'll be a

witness I've only got a bang on the wall

like

this and he'll be in here in 5 seconds

flat five 4 3

2

1 what are you and no peir girl gone

wrong that me you provinal

fool this could have been rather

Pleasant in instead we shall have to be

crude give me that brief

case look po you silly girl I got no

money in here give it to me I know some

of you girls are exploited but there's

no need to resort to Crime I might tell

you that I'm not unconnected with the

police

[Music]

give me that gun give me that brief

listen I'll tell you I'll I'll tell you

something I got about £3 10 in my jacket

there and some lunching vouchers take

those and we'll say no more about it

give it to me no put that gun down it

might go

off look look what you've

done I'm not playing games Mr

fala give me that brief case rley give

me that brief

[Music]

case hand it over

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Laughter]

good evening sir I trust you have a

plausible explanation for what you've

just done oh yeah I'm I'm staying in in

this hotel then why don't you use the

lift like everybody else come along sir

there's a good lad no I'll tell you no

wait a minute hang on hang on

confidentially between you and me I am a

British secret service agent really yes

and there's an opair girl up in that

room up there who's been shooting at me

and she's got my dispat case no there

are a lot of vital documents in you

don't believe me do

you you're breaking my

arm Mr Man jumps out of a hotel bedroom

after encounter with prare

girl yes sir well I can only reiterate

what I reiterated before sir if it had

not been for the incompetence of a

member of the metropolitan police force

I could have Whi back up into my bedroom

apprehended her and my dispatch case I'm

very lucky to be alive sir that's a

matter of opinion yes sir Diana sweee

she would look rather Splendid on your

East Lawn sir oh do you think

sir no over there

oh yes yes make a note of that what

makes you so sure that she was an opair

girl uh well sir she had a foreign

accent strange though it may seem

farward there are people with Foreign

Accents who aren't opare girls uh yes

I'll have to concede that yes has it

occur to you that she may be working for

Redland huh a spy good Lord no sir

you're as bad as R if you don't mind my

saying so wle pay attention no sir I'd

State my career on it you already have

faram yes sir let us assume for a moment

sir that she is an enemy agent what in

fact then is our net loss the late

Escape recording from Moscow which gives

no indication of the whereabouts of the

microphone so all in fact we've lost is

the latest information which they know

we're getting anyway oh neatly clarified

sir that is my assessment of the

situation entirely there was nothing

else in the briefcase uh no sir just a

few personal things like um oh an apple

and an EP of The Beatles that's for my

son I'm more of a Pini man myself uh

what else was it now uh pair of clean

socks and a DI

[Music]

uh and a diary oh no Fara you don't keep

a

diary yes I'm afraid I do

sir just an ordinary little diary I mean

I had an egg for breakfast type of diary

dentist at

2:00 no sir it's more like my 23 years

in the Secret Service type of diary oh

no well not the whole operation not

in detail well sir it was for my Memoirs

all the generals do it it was for when I

retire it's got a lock on it it's got a

lock on it

oh sh

[Music]

[Music]

program of Music presented by the BBC

home service

[Music]

Dr Francis

[Music]

Tran open a little wider

please you brush his teeth this morning

oh yes sir ah there we

are just as I

thought tons

litis put him back in his pen will you

[Applause]

George and um right let me

see half a pound of penic in tablets

four times a day after meals

there we are I'll pop in again tomorrow

how's the elephant oh much better sir

the nose beds so stopped yet had a

biscuit this morning delighted he should

be all right now well I'll see you

tomorrow okay

[Music]

sir is there papas

you oh um it's nothing serious um just a

slight throat that's all I'm afraid he

won't be on View today oh what a shame

well um is there anything else I can

show you I've got an hour or two to

spare before I get back are you

interested in animals oh very interested

especially in one particular species oh

and um what is that perhaps I can

explain it to you oh I'm sure you could

it's the the Bulldog I yes yes the

Bulldog fine

animal symbol of the Empire I'm afraid

you won't find one here

today A friend of mine has a very

valuable one really who the prime

minister of

Russia yes well I believe I did read

somewhere that he had one um he's um

friend of yours is he well we have a

business

arrangement I

see you know I I don't really know very

much about Bulldogs no of course not I

think the main who I should really get

in touch with about my friend's Bulldog

I mean is Mr

Fara see this is not only humiliating

but highly irregular to boot wives of

operatives are not supposed to accompany

them when they're on duty if you think

I'm staying at home while you're out

ganting every night you're mistaken I'm

not gallivantin this is work that's what

you said last night I've explained about

last night not to my satisfaction you

haven't running around girls bedrooms in

your underwear Elsie it was my bedroom I

was entitled to be in my

underwear this is the flat well why

didn't you say so instead of having a

standing

here now don't you forget when we get

inside if you hear anything you're not

supposed to hear don't

listen well well well if it isn't Batman

and Robin I trust you didn't strain

anything on Landing I don't you start

I've had quite enough with her please

comein

this is my wife Elsie ELC Dr

Javelin oh how do you do Mrs

Fara your wife I'll explain later I

think you'd have to explain sooner than

that I think you'd better come into the

loue reg give it a rest will you

I take it you've met this young lady

before oh hello Stanley I'm glad to read

in the papers that you landed

safely that's

her that's her rley arrest that woman

sharpish I got you well done

jillin is that her you keep out of it

you came here to meet her again you're

pretending you're surprised because I'm

with you you dirty old man Elsie if you

don't Shad up I shall be forced in the

line of duty to BU you and right in the

mouth Tron have you got the briefcase

VOA it's here it's here I've got it in

time oh but I took photo stats of it of

course where are they in a very safe

place and if I'm arrested they will

reach Moscow in 24 hours

Moscow fliping EG she's a

rooki never mind Batman

you've got your socks back and I'm told

she's had your Apple you're enjoying

this aren't you well that's nice isn't

it after 23 years that your pension out

the spout what sort of a job you'll get

at your age I do not know I don't worry

Mrs farab I'm sure we can find something

for him in the kendles do sit down come

now I think we all being too pessimistic

I'm sure we can come to some arrangement

what do you mean well I was sent here by

Moscow to find out how you get your

information out of Russia it's a

brilliant scheme I congratulate

you thank you very much however I have

been

successful but for £

100,000 I can be

unsuccessful

100, do you mean to tell me that you

betray your country for money I wish you

would you mind Russia is not my country

I'm lvan I'm a freelance oh and I wanted

in Swiss Franks I spent the most

embarrassing half hour of my life with

the chancellor of the ex cheer defending

you farer and your imbecility that was

really very kind of you sir thank you

1,200,000 Swiss Franks and we only Bor

it last week look at it closely Fara and

remember that in one fell Swoope your

incompetence has cost this country the

equivalent of one year's profit from the

export of plastic

Max I'm sorry sir I'm humbly contract

honestly I'm humbly contract but surely

the important thing is that we have

ensured the continuing

function of the

dog poor little dog you're not well are

you come along try to eat

something great mangy four-legged twit

just gone and spent £100,000 on him and

he's gone down with stuff up throw

dolls what will they do about it there's

only one cause open to them isn't there

x-rays with the view to operating

x-rays operating well that's it then

that's it then that's put the kaios on

that's put the Kos on they'll open him

up and our microphone falls out we got

to get that dog back that's no concern

of mine I did my bit I'm not going to

get

involved oh no that's what you think

you're in this right up to the knot in

that phony School tie of yours my

friend what do you mean it was me who

investigated you I know I got a file on

you a foot thick I know how you started

Fred my name is Francis Francis trellion

Fred Bishop you started life as head

Slaughter man and your father's

slaughter house in Reading well that was

years ago when I was young I've devoted

my life life to animals and their owners

what do you mean by

that who do you think they are Snow

White and the Seven

Dwarves this is just gra CU that's what

the flo said who

develop I've got you Fred you're mine

you couldn't possibly recognize me in

any

of oh dear

oh my

God we've got to get that dog out of the

Kremlin remove the evidence and bung him

back in again how do you propose to do

that knock on the Kremlin door and say

could we have our dog back Mr I don't

know but I'll think of a way by

tomorrow I've got

to I'll think of a way I've got to think

of a way

[Music]

that's

it that's

it

sex

sex what did you say

sex you'll be

[Music]

lucky it's not a good idea trelin it's a

master

stroke can you think of a better one

well shut up then I'll see you there and

half an

hour cometh the hour cometh the man

[Music]

I

[Music]

table number three please

[Music]

yes I'm

here he's that H is beautiful isn't she

never mind that do you think she'll let

you have it of course she will

good listen if we got to sit through

this I can't very well ask her while

she's dancing can I I'll tell you when

she's finished pop around to her

dressing room and get it we're leaving

first thing in the morning over and

out Hello darling can I come and see you

afterwards I'm desperate you always

[Music]

are hello table number eight

[Music]

please

hello who

table number what table number

[Music]

four fliping there want a little

darling um good

evening I'm very well thank you my dear

P get out of him I don't look anything

like dony ctis

[Applause]

[Music]

he's busy who's he talking

to number four thank you just hold the

line a moment

please is I always Dr champagne actually

we're always in the club anyway excuse

me are you talking to table number eight

yes why would you mind clearing the line

please I want to talk to him oh Lord the

competition's getting worse

come

in Hello darling

darling look darling there's no time to

explain but I've just got to have

Priscilla just for a few days what do

you want her

for I can't tell you now I'll explain

later you will look after her of course

I will promise all right then

prisilla

welcome aboard

sir thank you very

much welcome aboard morning good morning

morning morning morning

[Music]

right now here's your new passport

called diplomatic all stamped

up Adam freshwater Rose

specialist look at these absur third

clothes your department have given me me

the third best dressed man in the whole

world four years running not even a

collar you're supposed to be a gardener

not the duuk a windsor I don't when we

get to Moscow we've come there to relay

the embassy Gardens oh really far don't

call me Fara I'm Jeremiah Beamish crazy

Paving expert yeah so crazy what do you

expect me to put down spies

MI5 H one minute one minut as's the

luggage or should I say baggage I've

given a I think she'll be you would have

taken on yourself but put yourself

together man you got a big operation to

do tonight yes but it's all right for

you you're a professional you're you're

used to Danger well that is true of

course that is true but there's no

danger involved no danger breaking into

the Kremlin and stealing the prime

minister's dog we're not breaking into

the Kremlin what could be more normal

than two new garders at the British

Embassy taking the ambassador's dog for

a walk hey heye I suppose she is in

season of course she is she's one of my

patients isn't she good it's not our

fault then is it B Israeli gets wind of

her leaps out the window chases her all

the way back to the British Embassy and

straight onto your operating table up

here Francis that's what you need it up

here come

[Music]

on Excuse Me Miss are these these take

no they're

not attention please will all passengers

please fasten their safety belts thank

you all these straps and harnesses be

like tying up the old horseed plow I

didn't ever do it old man everybody's

looking at at you

[Music]

is everything

arranged I have an audience for 9:00

tonight I have said I have Vital

Information which I will only give to

him personally good now open the

window you pay attention please I'm

talking open the window at 9:15 we'll be

waiting outside dead

you asking for it aren't you

[Music]

good evening gentlemen welcome to

Moscow Mr Ambassador sir um what have

you done to your room and the others oh

it's nothing the annual stoning of the

embassy we usually go away for it but we

were caught this sh they put it forward

a week uh may I uh oh yes sir this is my

colleague freshw water every e Delight

how you do sir did you have a good

flight uh not bad uh we had a bit of

turbulence over didn't we yeah so we

haven't got much time what about the

plan of campaign perhaps you'd like to

see the rose trees he there are 7 trees

in all all in need of

pling sir I don't think you've quite got

the gist of while we're

here I thought London would have told

you so we're also having a lot of

trouble with bugs bugs the whole place

is swarming with them bugs bugs meal pal

meal Beauty bugs oh oh ah bugs very

nasty things bugs sir come across them

everywhere even found one Pok down the

poor old girl's ear hole yesterday I

take it she was not amused I think they

must be brought in by the

Workman sorry must be looking rather

lovely this time ago oh yes sir the

colors are quite bread taken especially

around

Virginia I'd like you to have a look at

my daughter with Perkins oh i' not we

had a very bad cop of blooms last year

bra were not Disturbed

I'm thinking of having a gold Farm built

in the Roose Garden I think it might be

a good

idea don't feel now this is compl

soundproof transparent there's nowhere

for them to hide the little bugs oh

ingenious ingenious now this sir as you

may have gathered is the

vet Veterinary surgeon I won't tell you

again yes now sir we'll be leaving at

about 9: and we ought to be back with

the dog at about half 9 but don't lock

up or anything in case we get delayed

have you anywhere for me to do the

operation I think you'll find the

kitchen table quite suitable we also

have a fully trained nurse on the staff

good

well gent I think perhaps that's all we

better retire from the greenhouse is

getting a little uh stuff in

here is it stuck

sir

yeah it really is stuck

brace

[Applause]

brace shouting is completely soundproof

no screaming if you fall off a building

is it I mean it's a natural reaction

I've got a pen

knife please please open this door I

can't stand being locked up in Vine

space don't you stop when I suffer from

glossophobia you right you are we got to

get out of here she's opening the window

at 9:15

last is the ambassador available no he's

in the uh goldfish bowl and he's not to

be disturbed this is rather urgent can't

you go in no I'm sorry mustn't disturb

him it's more than my job's

worth

no always chug the oxygen views you just

have

to wait and

hope oh god of

[Music]

helpes shut

up shut up you religious

man stand

oh

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

no no use it's

bulletproof you better lie down here air

will be P there

that's it right in the face he's not

content with carbon monoxide poison he

wants to give us flu as well what does

it matter we're all going to die

anyway oh poor

little de

I'm sorry I give it to Elbow all these

years and for cing all those birds my

name really is Str Bishop my

dad and

[Applause]

[Music]

I

[Music]

[Music]

I dare say you could be doing with a cup

of teas

[Music]

on right it's all clear come on come on

what's the matter with you come

on here a terrible thought still struck

me old Israeli he hasn't been done as he

done well you know

of course not thank God for that come

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

on arar and the unidentified Englishmen

have left the embassy they appear to be

taking a dog for a walk we We are

[Music]

following they have reached the Kremlin

we are keeping them under observation

[Music]

the princess Natasha

[Music]

Romanova my dear comrade princess I'm so

sorry to have kept you waiting my dear

prime

minister May

I think those must be the windows over

there hang on hang on 10 9 H

10 10

n now my dear what is so important that

you must only tell me in person we must

be discreet the British seem to know

every word that is said in this building

what I have to say the whole world can

know

I've come here to offer myself to

you I don't think I quite understand you

comrade

princess Ian

ioic you are one of the two most

powerful men in the

world behind every great men there must

be a

woman's I want to be that woman's but I

already have a woman H she is a

peasant big hand

big thick

legs du

du I love you I've loved you since I

first carried the right hand pole of

your portrait in the MayDay Parade I'm

attractive

D Francis we can't just stand here we'll

get knocked off for loitering there's an

arch over there come on

[Music]

she's a good girl right on time right

start her up what do you mean start her

up well get Ammon the old Indian love

call well you can't start her up just

like that I mean she's not a car she's

got to feel like it well you said she

did feel like it well yes she does but

but not necessarily at this moment I

mean it is cold out here what's that

good to do with it it's got everything

to do with it would

you would I want would you feel like it

in this weather that's not the point I

am not a bulldog France as he made close

the

window please my wife's bedroom is just

on the corridor please put your coat on

she might come in she's a very jealous

woman oh but you're the prime minister

of all Russia yes I know but her mother

is staying with us her son is the editor

of his vestia my father-in-law is a

marshal of the Red Army me her brother

is a member of the Supreme Soviet please

put your coat on take take six month's

leave on the Black Sea workers rest camp

all expenses

pay close the window please someone may

see you

Priscilla there's a great big handsome

Bulldog waiting for you up there look at

that lovely big hairy Bandy legs dirty

big nose stuck up there come on let him

know you're here

look it's no good she won't do it unless

she's in the

mood Priscilla will you

have

how oh Francis for God's sake How does

it go how does what go the mating call

of a bulldog How does it go well it sort

of goes like um ow oh that's very good A

bit louder I'm not an animal

impersonator will you do it again but

louder louder louder

louder louder great lovely marvelous

keep it

[Music]

up get closer

[Music]

I've got him I've got him come on come

on

[Music]

[Applause]

back to the

Embassy you take this try don't run walk

get him up onto your operating table and

take that microphone out here

get

closer

to a follow look what's that big truck

doing it's only a water wagon why is it

following us

then it's not following us your great

Nana isn't it well I've never seen a

water wagon with a the dog of course it

must be bun of the prime minister's dog

after to them quickly

[Music]

the

K SP

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

stop listen you get back to the Embassy

I'll try and draw him off right right

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

what are you doing there stop the

[Music]

[Laughter]

the patient is ready now Dr

trellion there there Disraeli

hello London this is Radio Bandy legs

we're now closing down our transmission

from Moscow a good night everybody good

night and so it appears we have have

your dog and you have our dog yes it's a

right bug up isn't it silly Garden of

fresh water didn't you know it wasn't my

dog well it never occurred to me

sir but the dogs are not even of the

same sex ah well sex you know what we

English are about six to us a dog is a

dog we don't like to

pry you wanted to send a telegram before

you leave Madam oh yes to Sir Francis

travelan

obbe congratulations on your latest

recognition to the poor the money to the

rich the

honors oh I'll

go hello there princess it's July your

guys come

back princess

[Music]

congratulations of Francis what at least

we of the Soviet Union know the real

reason for your

Knighthood Stanley how good to see you

when did you get back from Moscow I got

back last night how are you you're

looking well a fit as a fiddle bit of a

giggle really wasn't it a top M5

operative being nursed back to health by

the rookis that was fun with it last it

was it well at least we didn't get

killed which is some consolation yeah

pity it can't come out the newspapers

give a fortune for it can I drop you off

anywhere number 10 Downing Street

please really yes are that promotion

chief of security and advisor to the

prime minister at the forthcoming round

of talks with the NATO Powers

congratulations thank you very much

what's the matter oh it's nothing really

just a bit sore 14 stitches you know I

was SLI right

open do you mean you're actually going

to be there during the talks yeah oh

I'll be right in there with them it's a

very big agenda complete appraisal of

our defense plan mixman nuclear force

pois missile station NATO defense fenses

early Warning Systems all that Guff you

know oh I big you pardon

granted number 10 darning Street please

Riley

[Music]

n

[Music]

la