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00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,320
This programme contains
strong language, adult humour
2
00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:09,600
and scenes some may find distressing.
3
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,320
Nothing says you're in you early 30s
like having to worry about
4
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:36,360
how many dads you've sucked off
at a child's birthday party.
5
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,440
Is everything all right over here?
6
00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:43,560
Yeah. Yeah.
7
00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:48,200
Right, well, congratulations on
being the most boring people
8
00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:50,280
at this boring people convention.
9
00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:00,480
So, that, erm...
that new, erm, reality show,
10
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:04,200
where the... the hot... the hot girl
has to figure out which hot old man
11
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,840
is her biological father
starts tonight.
12
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:08,560
So, if you wanna come round...
13
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,120
I have to work.
14
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:11,640
Well, come after.
15
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,480
Maggie, I meant what I said.
16
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:16,000
I need some space.
17
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:20,800
You know Jonah was my last chance
to save the bar, right?
18
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,680
And you ruined it?
19
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:26,280
Uh...
20
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:31,640
Oh, OK. Cool apology.
21
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,840
PHONE BUZZES
I need to answer this.
22
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:40,480
Where are you going?
23
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:41,760
I just...
It's cake time.
24
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,760
I'm trying to hurry this up,
so I can get these little freaks
25
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:45,560
out of my garden.
CHILD SCREAMS
26
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,960
Ah! This is why we enrolled Mercury
in Buddhist meditation training
27
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,520
from day one. He hasn't screamed
once, not since birth.
28
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,000
Can I...? Hurry up!
29
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:54,600
Hello?
30
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,640
PHONE: Theodora Rushton?
Uh... Speaking.
31
00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:58,960
This is Amanda from the London
Pregnancy Advice Centre.
32
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,040
TRICKLING
Is now a good time to talk?
33
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,800
Oh, yeah, all good.
34
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:05,120
So, I can see here you're in need
of an abortion.
35
00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:08,440
We can actually provide the pills
necessary for this via post.
36
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,720
We just need the date of your
last period.
37
00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:12,280
Cool.
38
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:14,680
So, what was the date of your
last period?
39
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,160
Uh, right. Erm, can I give you
an estimate?
40
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:18,280
No.
41
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,200
OK. Then I do not know.
42
00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,400
Sorry, but, like...
nobody knows that stuff.
43
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,880
Most people use period tracking
apps.
44
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:27,560
And give the government my period
data? No, thanks.
45
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,840
Right, well, in that case,
we'll need you to come in
46
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,720
for a scan first.
47
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,080
Fine.
48
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,360
The next available scan in London
is...
49
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:37,920
..in a month. What?
50
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,920
No, I... I can't wait a month.
51
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,600
I threw up on the tube this morning,
and a bit went in a woman's bag,
52
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,360
and I didn't even tell her.
Erm...
53
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:47,000
Yesterday I cried went I saw
a banana lying alone on a table.
54
00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,440
Prior to that, I hadn't cried in
eight years.
55
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,440
I'm sorry. I could get you into
a clinic in Carlisle next week,
56
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:54,520
if you know anyone in Carlisle?
57
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:55,920
Is that a country?
58
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,680
Otherwise, you could always go
private, if you can afford that.
59
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,760
They can do the scan and pills
on the same day.
60
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:02,080
Fine.
61
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:05,280
Well, thanks for nothing, I guess.
62
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:06,720
No offence.
63
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:08,520
CHEERILY: I've heard worse.
64
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,760
SHE SIGHS
65
00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,080
SHE RETCHES
66
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,200
Fuck it.
67
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:55,760
DOOR OPENS
68
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:01,800
Hi. Hi, erm...
69
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,920
Just wondering if you have any
appointments for today?
70
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,280
Hey, girlie.
71
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,240
You here to exercise your rights?
72
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,680
Uh... I'm sorry?
73
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,640
I'm Kaz. I'm a Girlborsh Consultant.
74
00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:14,200
You're a doctor? Ha-ha!
75
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:15,920
No. Not at all, no.
76
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,560
My degree's in media.
77
00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:23,920
Hey, girlie, you here to exercise
your...? You said that bit.
78
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,480
Sorry, it's my first week.
79
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:26,800
Erm...
80
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:30,520
I'm here to take you from...
preggo to fabbo.
81
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:33,760
Here at Girlborsh, we celebrate
your right to choose.
82
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,880
Can I get you a virgin mojito?
83
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,680
No, I'm in a bit of a rush, so if
we could just... Totally, totally.
84
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:40,480
You gotta hustle.
85
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,880
You gotta slay! You gotta...
you gotta work.
86
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,000
So, you're here to have for
a medical aborsh?
87
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,160
A medical abortion, yes.
88
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,920
But, erm, apparently I need
the scan thingy too,
89
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,240
cos I don't know when my last
period was. Oh, been there.
90
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:03,160
I haven't been there. I'm not...
I don't have them.
91
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:06,560
Erm...
92
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:09,840
Yes, we'll get that scan done for
you today, and then we just,
93
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,320
you know, take it from there.
94
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,360
Do you have a borsh buddy with you?
95
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:15,760
Sorry?
96
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:19,640
We encourage our patients to bring
a bestie and make a day of it.
97
00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:22,400
You could grab a cocktail
afterwards.
98
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,040
Depending on whether you have
an adverse reaction to the
first pill, or not.
99
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,440
Can that happen?
100
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:31,200
Are you interested in our
Rad Pad bundle?
101
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,320
Erm, it's £50 extra.
102
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:37,360
But you get 20 of our famously
comfy Girlborsh pads.
103
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,120
They're specially designed to
soak up all the, erm...
104
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:44,000
..stuff.
105
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,680
Uh, no, just do the basic package
for me, I think.
106
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:49,080
And no bestie? No bestie.
107
00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:52,960
Well, before we go any further,
I will need to take payment.
108
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,080
Which comes to £799.
109
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,520
Do you take Klarna?
110
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,120
No.
111
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:07,040
I don't have £800 in
my bank account.
112
00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:09,520
Nobody does. That would be mental.
113
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:15,600
But I can get the money.
I can get...
114
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:17,240
..800 measly pounds.
115
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:18,800
Maybe I can't save my bar!
116
00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:20,680
But I can get 800! And I will!
117
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,760
Yeah? You just watch me!
118
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,400
Hey, do you have any Bepanthen?
119
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:32,560
What?
120
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:36,600
Or coconut oil?
Or something distinctly super dry?
121
00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,760
What the...?
122
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,280
Where's all the cash?
123
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,920
Uh, we're cashless, Eddie.
Jay set it up the other week.
124
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:45,240
Seriously, some coconut oil, please?
125
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,720
I had no idea you were religious,
Klent. Ew, I'm not.
126
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,000
Why have you got prayer hands
tattooed on your neck then?
127
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:52,480
Eddie, this is the clapping emoji.
Look.
128
00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:54,040
OK, I don't have time for this.
129
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,920
There's Vaseline in the lost
and found.
130
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,040
Oh...
131
00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:58,360
Why does everything cost money?
132
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:01,040
And why don't we have cheat codes
like in The Sims?
133
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:03,400
Oh, do you think this is worth
anything?
134
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,400
No. My mother would laugh you
out of her antique dealership.
135
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:13,120
You know, prayer isn't just
for the religious.
136
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:14,600
That tattoo artist lied to me.
137
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:15,920
Sure, mate.
138
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,480
You called? Well, you texted.
139
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,520
Hey, buddy! My lil pal!
140
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,280
My sunshine man!
141
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,280
Oh, wow! Hi!
142
00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:27,040
we haven't shared a hug since
our GSCE results day.
143
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,000
Not that I'm tracking hugs...
144
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,880
Thank you for coming down.
No, it's fine.
145
00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:33,880
My boss is literally always like,
"Get a life, Will,"
146
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,520
so he didn't mind.
147
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:38,000
So, I have a favour to ask...
148
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,640
Yeah, anything. Long as it doesn't
involve the word "Jonah."
149
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,800
Uh...
150
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:47,400
The beer fridge, uh, it's making
that buzzing sound again.
151
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,040
Not again! That rascal.
152
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,120
EDDIE GROANS
153
00:07:58,160 --> 00:07:59,520
SHE RETCHES
154
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:03,000
SHE COUGHS
155
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:07,960
What are these?
156
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,320
Oh, your brother was in earlier.
157
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:12,360
He was wearing the most
beautifully cut suit...
158
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,920
Fast forward to the info. He had
some contract he wanted you to sign,
159
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,360
and he said to call him.
Or maybe it was crawl him?
160
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:19,440
I couldn't really hear over
my cranial massager.
161
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:22,720
The flyers!
Oh, my God, I'm getting to it.
162
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,760
They're something to do
with your mum.
163
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,520
READING: Join us for the launch
of Necks By Clara
164
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:30,480
at an independent designer showcase.
165
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,520
Oh, God, her weird scarf thing.
166
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:34,360
What weird scarf thing?
167
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,640
My mum's started a range of designer
skinny scarves.
168
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,920
She makes them out of...
169
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,960
..wider scarves.
170
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,080
She's sent me several deranged texts
about it.
171
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,960
Hmm, I wonder who's paying for that.
172
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:46,480
Mm, probably the usual.
173
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,520
Some old prick with too much...
174
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,760
..money.
175
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,360
So, you're really gonna sell
the bar?
176
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,080
Not necessarily.
177
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:03,600
CLUB MUSIC PLAYS
178
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:24,920
OK, just to thin the herd a bit.
179
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:28,200
If you're currently under police
investigation for sexual assault
180
00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:31,320
of any kind, just please count
yourself out.
181
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:38,320
Time to channel Mummy.
182
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,800
I hate materialism.
I don't even have a smartphone.
183
00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:43,960
Next.
184
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,440
I love refugees.
185
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:46,480
No.
186
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,960
I just think women are so brave.
187
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,960
None of us will ever be truly happy
until we defeat capitalism.
188
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,920
Get the fuck out of here.
189
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,040
Ugh!
190
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,440
Fuck.
191
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:00,960
You have a rescue dog?
192
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,600
Get outta here.
193
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,000
What has happened to these people?
194
00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:18,040
Finally.
195
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:19,240
Clive?
196
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,160
No. Clyde.
197
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,520
It's short for Archibald.
198
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,120
And what is it you do, Clyde?
199
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,760
I'm an entrepreneur.
200
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,840
I happen to own a business nearby,
201
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,920
and thought it might be good for
company morale to bring my employees
202
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:35,680
out for a couple of magnums.
203
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,920
OK. And, uh, one more question -
204
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,920
and, honestly, I can work with
a yes or no on this -
205
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,360
are you married?
206
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:42,920
Not at present.
207
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,280
Eddie, I'm a romantic at heart.
208
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:48,720
I have gone on the adventure of
matrimony with five beautiful
209
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:52,440
but ultimately disappointing women,
and now...
210
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:54,960
..I'm looking for a sixth.
211
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,680
Uno mas.
212
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:01,120
I just thought it was deeply unfair
that people blamed me
213
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:02,960
for being on those flight logs.
214
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,880
I mean, it was a business trip!
215
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,480
I barely even knew Jeffrey.
216
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,560
Oh, haters gonna hate.
Exactly.
217
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,040
Ah, I'd better get back to my
employees. Oh.
218
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:12,480
Come with me.
219
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:14,200
I'll make them feel valued
for five minutes,
220
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:15,880
then we can go for dinner
at my club.
221
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,800
Yeah, let's do that!
Yeah!
222
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,760
Everyone, this is Ellie.
Oh, it's...
223
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,800
Yeah, no, it's fine.
Hi, erm, I'm Ellie.
224
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,240
Nice to meet...
225
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,400
You've got to be fucking kidding me!
226
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:34,880
I mean, God forbid, for once in my
life I try the easy way out, right?
227
00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:38,320
God forbid, I try to rely on my
perfect face and arse for once!
228
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:39,840
But no! No, no, no!
229
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,200
I'll just keep doing things
the hard way.
230
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:43,760
As you were.
231
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,520
Good luck with the Epstein stuff.
232
00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:47,600
And I'll see YOU next week!
233
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:48,880
See... see you next week.
234
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:53,720
You look weird.
235
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:55,360
Have you been at a new money
wedding?
236
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,040
Do I look like I'm in the mood,
Klent?
237
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:00,520
EDDIE SIGHS
238
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,600
Ew! Eddie, that is so unhygienic!
239
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:07,960
DOOR OPENS
240
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,280
Do you need a hand?
241
00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:13,320
No, thank you. I can manage.
242
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,040
I beg to differ.
243
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,440
What do you want, Maggie?
244
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:20,880
Oh, I'm just, erm...
245
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,600
When I said I needed some
time apart,
246
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,520
I meant more than a couple of days.
247
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:26,000
Ouch.
248
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:28,000
Can you go away?!
249
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,520
You're always asking me to leave,
and then you're so pissed off
250
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,400
when I'm. like, 40 minutes late.
251
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:33,960
Pick a thing!
252
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,640
I, erm...
253
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:46,320
I thought I-I-I... I left my copy
of, erm, The Da Vinci Code here,
254
00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:47,960
like, erm, pft...
255
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,000
like, six years ago,
and I just, erm...
256
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:54,520
Oh, I just... I just really
wanted to read it, so...
257
00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:55,880
I haven't seen it.
258
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:58,680
Oh.
259
00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:00,200
That's weird...
260
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:08,720
Well, erm...
261
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:12,000
If it turns up... Yep.
262
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,080
DOOR SHUTS
263
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:23,520
PHONE BUZZES
264
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:34,280
I might actually hang myself
with a skinny scarf.
265
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,280
Weenie!
266
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,160
Gosh!
267
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,800
I didn't know you were coming. You
didn't reply to any of my messages.
268
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:55,280
Aren't you tricky?
269
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:56,960
Hi, Mum.
270
00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,720
So, what do you think of
my creations?
271
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:02,600
Yeah, they're really...
272
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:06,440
..scarves.
273
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:07,760
Thank you, darling.
274
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,800
Look, I have, erm, a favour to ask.
275
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:12,240
I need to borrow some money.
276
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:13,680
Weenie...
277
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,680
That's so horribly forthright.
278
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,120
Jay told me you were selling
your little bar.
279
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:19,640
Why on earth would you need money?
280
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,920
Oh, so you know about that, then?
Thanks for checking up on me.
281
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,800
Darling, I have been exceptionally
busy.
282
00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:29,240
Now, listen, do you have much
high-end retail experience?
283
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,320
Erm...
284
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,800
It's just that I need to go with
the flow, and talk to the press,
285
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:36,680
that kind of thing. So, if you
could just man the stall?
286
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,680
We could talk about that favour
later.
287
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,360
Yeah, I'd love to.
288
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:51,800
Erm, but why are they £100?
289
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,400
Well, they're skinnier than
you'll find with your usual
290
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,080
high street skinny scarves.
291
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,440
Forget it.
292
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:00,680
Nice of you to show up.
293
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,560
I've been at this pathetic craft
fair for an hour already.
294
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,160
Well, I had to pick up my mate,
Leanne, from Streatham.
295
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,960
Mum asked me to bring a celebrity,
so Leanne's gonna pretend
296
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,080
she was on the last series
of Love Island.
297
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:12,160
Oh!
298
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:19,840
I've also brought the contract
with me. Can you back off?!
299
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:21,680
I... I need a minute.
300
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,360
TOILET FLUSHES
301
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:30,680
Oh!
302
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:32,600
Oh, Christ, Weenie!
303
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,920
You could have declared yourself,
or something.
304
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,280
You're always so spooky.
305
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:39,720
Sorry.
306
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:46,720
Well, in you go, then, darling.
307
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:50,600
I CAN listen to you wee.
I did give birth to you.
308
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:52,720
Yeah. And, erm...
309
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,760
As compensation for that
regrettable error,
310
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,520
can we talk about me borrowing
some money?
311
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,280
CLARA SIGHS
312
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,160
Well, how much do you need?
313
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,680
800 quid.
314
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,240
Actually, Mum...
315
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,160
I don't wanna sell the bar.
316
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,520
And I know it's a lot.
317
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,920
And we haven't always been close,
we've had our differences.
318
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:25,480
But I thought maybe that you
could... Oh, Weenie.
319
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:28,120
I hope you're not about to ask what
I think you're about to ask.
320
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:31,160
I'm a new business owner.
I mean, I'm practically destitute.
321
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,360
You own a townhouse in
Primrose Hill.
322
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,520
That I inherited when my parents
died, Weenie.
323
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,120
Thank you so much for the reminder.
324
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,280
Do you want me to hurl myself
into the streets
325
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:41,720
so you can keep your bar?
326
00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,560
DAD'S bar. Yes.
327
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:44,880
Oh, Weenie.
328
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,360
That place was an albatross around
your father's neck,
329
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:50,120
and to be quite frank,
lead directly to our divorce.
330
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,400
Oh, the bar caused the divorce,
did it?
331
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:54,720
Not your affair with
Jamie Theakston?
332
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:56,840
Alleged affair with Jamie Theakston!
333
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,800
Clara, you owe me!
334
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:00,600
I owe you what?
335
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,680
A lifetime's worth of giving a shit!
336
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:05,360
Why are you doing this on my big
day?!
337
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:08,960
Jesus... I-I don't even know
why I even asked.
338
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,600
Shows how desperate I am.
339
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,840
Well, you can forget about
that 800 quid!
340
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:14,720
You ungrateful little...!
341
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:21,680
THIS is what I think of your
scarves.
342
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,160
EDDIE RETCHES LOUDLY
343
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,480
Oh, my...!
344
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,920
I mean, any normal scarf would be
at least twice this thick.
345
00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:43,960
So, I heard there was a major
skinny scarf launch here today,
346
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,760
and I couldn't miss it.
347
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,600
Because Clara told me I couldn't,
so...
348
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:56,960
You OK?
349
00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,840
CLARA CLINKS GLASS
350
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:01,200
Where did she get champagne?
351
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:06,000
I always knew I was destined
for great things.
352
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:08,360
I mean, I've already achieved
so much.
353
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,200
I don't like to mention it,
but I was signed to Storm
354
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:14,160
before Kate Moss was even
a twinkle in their eye,
355
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,880
and some still say I was
the better model.
356
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,440
Oh, and, of course, I was once
engaged to Mick Jagger...
357
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,120
..'s manager.
358
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,360
I'll sign if you PayPal me
£800 right now.
359
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:31,120
But my real achievement...
360
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,680
Make it 900. I'll need a Deliveroo.
361
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:36,960
..has been my gorgeous children!
362
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,840
Who are here today.
363
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,760
You know, people are always assuming
Theodora's my sister.
364
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:45,200
I mean, isn't that...
isn't that funny?
365
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,720
CLARA GIGGLES MANICALLY
366
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,400
There, done. No more bar.
367
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:53,960
Look, Eddie... But I've always been
a real entrepreneur at heart,
368
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:58,760
something I'm so pleased
to see reflected...
369
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,960
..in both Theodora and JAY-NUS.
370
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,560
JAY SIGHS
371
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:07,400
You see, they inherited this funny
little bar from their father,
372
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:12,320
and Weenie has, sweetly,
kept it going for a few years.
373
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:13,920
Hmm.
374
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:17,000
But I am so proud to hear...
375
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:20,960
..they've sold it to a developer,
who's gonna knock it all down
376
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:24,160
and turn it in to some gorgeous
luxury flats.
377
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,200
Isn't that fabulous?
378
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,280
What?!
Yeah, I was gonna tell you...
379
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,000
Luxury shitting flats?!
380
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,760
Eddie, please! Not at the
independent designer showcase!
381
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:36,920
It is a fucking craft fair, Clara!
382
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,480
Jesus. Eddie, come on.
383
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:40,320
Get the fuck off me, Jay!
384
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:43,960
Eddie?
385
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,160
Eddie, come... Can we...?
386
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:47,360
Tear up that contract! No.
387
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,080
What do you mean, no?
Oh, come on, Eddie!
388
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,920
What have you actually done
to keep the bar?
389
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,600
Have you even applied for
a business loan? A mortgage?
390
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,840
Face it, you want that bar sold
as much as I do.
391
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:57,040
Bullshit!
392
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:58,840
It was never your dream!
It was Dad's!
393
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:02,080
You were gonna be a fancy lawyer who
lived in a mansion in California.
394
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,280
That wasn't real.
I was just obsessed with The OC.
395
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:07,040
OK, but the point is -
your world was so big.
396
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,040
And then Dad died, and...
397
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:10,200
..it shrunk.
398
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,080
Oh, but you've processed Dad's death
really well!
399
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:13,800
How's the apocalypse bunker going?
400
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:15,480
Got enough baked beans
in there yet?!
401
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:17,720
All right, fine.
OK, I'll say it if you say it.
402
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:19,600
I'm a bit fucked up.
403
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:21,040
Now you go.
404
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:23,680
No?
405
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,560
You know, you have the worst case
of martyr syndrome
406
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,600
that I have ever seen.
407
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,880
When are you gonna start living
for you?
408
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,480
You're being really dramatic.
409
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,120
Am I? And what about Maggie?
410
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,200
What about Maggie?
Well, she needs you.
411
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:41,000
She'd fall apart without you,
and THAT makes you feel good.
412
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,600
It's called friendship, Jay!
413
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,960
I'm sorry if you don't recognise it
because we don't
414
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,440
wank onto biscuits together.
415
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:51,680
But Maggie has always - always -
been there for me.
416
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,720
Unlike some prematurely balding
dickheads I know!
417
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:57,320
All right, tell me, Eddie, what
happens when you no longer
418
00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:00,320
have anyone or anything to look
after? What happens then?
419
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,080
Fuck you!
420
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:06,280
And fuck your dirty money!
421
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,520
What are you ripping up?
I sent you the money on PayPal.
422
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:10,960
Eat shit, Jay-nus!
423
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:18,960
Oh, sick, you're here.
424
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,200
Hey.
425
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,080
Can I go home?
426
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,600
It's bad for my ADHD to be
under-stimulated like this.
427
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:26,200
You don't have ADHD.
428
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:28,400
Uh, I do. A guy on TikTok said so.
429
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:29,840
Just go.
430
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:30,960
Yeah?
431
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:37,400
Hi. Sorry, we're having to close
early and immediately because...
432
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,800
..the Mayor just died.
433
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,400
KNOCK AT DOOR
434
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:16,800
We're closed!
435
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,920
LOUDER KNOCKING
436
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:33,600
She made me buy these.
437
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,800
£290.
438
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:42,720
I got a £10 family and friend
discount, so...
439
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:45,360
Come in.
440
00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:51,160
You really need to cut Clara out.
441
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,640
Cutting my dad out was my best-ever
decision.
442
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,960
Yeah, I'd love to, but she'd
probably do something like
443
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,480
sue me for emotional neglect.
444
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,600
I hate saying sorry.
I know.
445
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,040
But I am.
446
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:09,680
I directed all my anger about Jay
and Jonah and the bog of poo I'm in
447
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,840
at you, and I... I shouldn't have.
448
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,320
It's OK.
449
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:20,200
So, this week, I've been feeling
really... I know.
450
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:21,560
Lonely, abandoned.
451
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:22,920
You miss me. I'm....
452
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:25,440
I'm a fucking dick. And I...
453
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:27,400
SOBBING: I missed you.
454
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:35,320
EDDIE SOBS
455
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:38,040
SHE SNIFFLES
456
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:39,200
Oh...
457
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:42,920
I lost the bar.
458
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:44,280
I know.
459
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:45,840
I'm sorry.
460
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,920
And I'm fucking pregnant.
461
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,560
What?! Why?! Not on purpose.
462
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:53,640
I need £799 for a quick abortion.
463
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,040
Can you lend it to me?
464
00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:56,960
Yeah... Yeah, of course, obviously.
465
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,120
And I need you to come with me,
cos it's well weird.
466
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:01,680
And pink in there.
And I can't face it on my own.
467
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:03,680
And I need you to help get rid of
all the stuff in here,
468
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:06,280
and pack up my flat,
and find me somewhere new to live.
469
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:08,560
I need help, Maggie.
470
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,440
I need you to help me. Is that OK?
471
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:13,560
ECHOING: Can you do that for me?
472
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,360
You're fucked, mate.
473
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:22,880
Of course I can.
474
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,720
CHILD'S LAUGHTER ECHOES
475
00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:26,480
I'm in a really good place.
34345
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