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This programme contains
strong language, adult humour
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00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:08,280
and scenes some may find distressing
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# This time won't be nothing
like the last one
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# Smoking so much gas,
I forgot to put my mask on
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00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:17,680
# I shine with the lights off,
he hates when I don't call
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00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:21,160
# Two months without me,
guess you're having withdrawals
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00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,840
# He on my hip like a Tamagotchi
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# Leave a heart on my wall
so I can know you like me
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00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:30,240
# I'm important,
can't be seen with just anybody
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# We was late but
we still pulled up to the party... #
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Hey, sorry, do you want this?
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Yeah.
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00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:53,280
Hi! Whose scooter is that, Maggie?
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Mine. I bought it after watching
a particularly persuasive TikTok ad.
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And you've just given it away?
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Honestly, Eddie, I just saw myself
on it, reflected in a shop window,
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00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:02,480
and it was a rude awakening.
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It had to go. Oh, shit.
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Question eight -
which day of the week is the worst?
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I was going to say,
we hate scooter people.
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I know, but, like, the environment?
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You don't care about
the environment.
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You said all humans
deserve to burn to death.
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Yeah, I only said that because I
just had that really weird haircut.
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You seem better.
Yeah, I'm having the best week.
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I went to a spin class yesterday.
What?!
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I mean, I left ten minutes
in because the instructor kept
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playing Ed Sheeran dance remixes,
but like, the intention was there.
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Anyways, I need you to
take tomorrow off work.
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Oh, I can't,
I've got too much going on here.
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Look, it's important.
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My old school
want me to come back and do a talk
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00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:37,960
for their little drama club.
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Isn't that cute?
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They must have read the reviews
of my play.
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The two-star reviews?
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The state of the education system
in this country is dire.
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They need me.
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As a former student working
professionally in theatre,
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I thought I could just, like,
come and do like a little talk
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because I'm going to be
in town anyways.
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They practically begged me, Eddie.
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So I need you to drive me to
East Sussex.
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00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:02,000
Question nine - who did I vote for
in the 2002 Pop Idol final,
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00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,160
Gareth Gates or Will Young?
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00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:04,800
Would you stop asking
questions for a minute?
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00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,280
No, I can't. People have paid
good money for this pub quiz.
48
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:11,120
And by people do you mean
two underage goths and Will?
49
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:13,960
At least Will showed up on time.
Maybe he IS my number one bestie.
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You take that back right now.
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00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:18,320
Maggie, I love that
you suddenly seem to believe
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children are the future,
but you hate public speaking.
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When you gave that speech at Anya's
wedding, you shook so hard
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00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,120
someone asked me if you were
detoxing from heroin.
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Yeah, but this is just a tiny group
of kids - and drama nerds at that.
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I just don't get why you'd travel
all the way there.
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That school did a lot for me.
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You said everyone
took the piss out of your accent.
But I had some amazing teachers.
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00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,160
I had this one history
teacher in particular -
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he was just really...inspirational.
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00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:44,360
# You should let me love you,
love you, love you... #
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He kind of changed my life
and I think he still works there,
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so maybe I could, like, thank him.
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00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:53,240
Sorry, were you visited in the night
by three ghosts?
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00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:54,760
Where is this benevolence
coming from?
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00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:57,440
Look, I'm turning 30 soon
and I want to be a good person.
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I AM a good person, actually.
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00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:01,960
I just want to project
that goodness more.
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00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:04,960
And you can project your goodness
more by driving me there.
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00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,280
Who will look after the bar?
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00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,520
That manager you just hired.
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What's his name?
The wanky earring guy.
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00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:12,520
Actually, a BMX doesn't have gears,
you just kind of set it up under...
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00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,640
Him. What's his name?
I think it's Klent.
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00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:17,640
There's no way it's Klent.
I think it is.
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00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,880
And anyway, he can't look
after the bar on his own.
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00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:22,280
Hey, Eddie, can I take a quick 60?
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00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,360
Jen over there has never
seen a BMX before
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and I am going to pop her cherry.
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00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,960
Uh, no, you can't.
Go and clean the loos.
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00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,000
What?!
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00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:34,160
How?
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Fuck's sake!
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Just get on with it.
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Don't be scary.
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00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,600
"How?" His dad's an earl.
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00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:41,720
Ah. It's like working
with the little sheltered boy
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00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:42,800
from the Secret Garden.
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00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:44,640
Oh! Question ten -
what was the name of
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00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,600
the little sheltered boy from
The Secret Garden?
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00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,000
Colin!
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00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,240
I'm convinced he's never had
a real job before,
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00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:52,400
but I need him to lure
the other fuckboys in.
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00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,480
The fuckboy pound has become
surprisingly strong
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since they all became
social media managers. Mm.
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00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:58,480
Great quiz this week, Eddie.
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00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:01,960
Some really thought-provoking
questions in there.
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00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:04,960
Tell me -
the day of the week question... Mm.
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00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,400
..are we talking worst
as in least enjoyable,
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00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,800
or are we talking...? Hey, Eddie,
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00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,840
if you come with me tomorrow, I will
let you pretend to be my publicist.
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00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,680
You can lie to people all day
with no consequences.
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00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,360
Like when you told everyone
you invented Jedward's haircut.
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00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,000
Can I have a fake name?
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00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:25,560
MAGGIE AND EDDIE SING ALONG:
# What's wrong, what's wrong now?
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# Too many, too many problems
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00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,880
# Don't know where she belongs
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00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,280
# Where she belongs
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00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,920
# She wants to go home
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# But nobody's home
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# That's where she lies... #
ENGINE TURNS OFF
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OK, quick stop,
and then we gotta hustle.
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00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,240
We're gonna be late for my "talk".
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00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:48,480
I mean, you ARE going
to have to give a talk.
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00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:49,960
Yeah, but I'm just gonna wing it.
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They're children.
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And what if you get the shakes?
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00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:54,160
I won't! Have some faith.
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00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:56,400
Ooh!
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00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:01,040
What...the fuck? What?
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00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:03,880
That's what you're wearing
to go to a school?
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00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:05,480
I want to seem
like a successful lady.
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00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:07,840
That is not a successful
lady outfit.
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00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:10,600
That is a shag-me outfit.
Who are you trying to shag?
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00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:11,640
No-one.
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00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,920
That history teacher you mentioned,
what was his name?
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00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,160
I can't remember. Maggie! Mr Wilson.
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OK, was Mr Wilson hot?
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00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:20,240
MAGGIE SIGHS
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Smoking hot.
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00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,160
Oh, my God.
I haven't slept in a week.
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00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,120
I might have overdone
the under-eye concealer.
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00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,160
Do I look like a very pale panda?
Maggie! OK, OK!
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00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,840
Mr Wilson might be my soulmate.
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00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,320
He wasn't like the other teachers!
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00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:44,440
He was funny and smart and we just,
like, had this...connection.
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00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,840
Was Mr Wilson the
teacher who tried to molest you?
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00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:50,200
No! Eww, that was my maths teacher,
Mr Phillips.
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00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:51,800
It was prom night 2008.
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00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:53,160
I'd just turned 16,
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00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,840
my braces were freshly off
and I was resplendent
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00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:57,720
in my Debut by Debenhams dress.
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00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:59,480
Then Mr Phillips slithered over.
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00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:03,400
He said I looked really grown up,
which, let's face it, was not true.
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00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:07,120
Then all of a sudden he lurched
at me with his gross mouth.
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00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:09,360
But guess who saved me.
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00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,160
# You should let me love you
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00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,720
# Let me be the one to
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00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:18,440
# Give you everything
you want and need
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00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:19,480
It was so intense.
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00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:23,160
So, if it had been the history
teacher who'd tried it on,
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00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,640
you'd have banged him? Yes!
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00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:26,880
But the crucial thing is
that he DIDN'T try it on.
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00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,560
He wouldn't shag a child. Wow!
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00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,840
We should nominate him for a
Pride of Britain award.
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00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:33,280
It is not beyond the realms
of possibility that we are, like,
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00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,920
truly meant to be together
and we just met at the wrong time.
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00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,120
PHONE BUZZES
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00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:39,680
My brother. Diet Coke?
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00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,880
What's up? Hiya, I'm in Dalston.
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00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,000
I thought I'd come by,
see how our bar's doing.
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00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:50,040
Are you about?
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00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:53,120
I'm not, but I'll be back tomorrow,
if you want to swing by then.
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00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:54,560
Ah, sorry, me and Lauren have a
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00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,640
deer carcass
preparation workshop tomorrow.
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00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:58,120
We've had it booked for ages.
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00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,320
Oh, so you're still into
all that stuff, then?
168
00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:01,360
Um, yeah,
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00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:04,640
I'm still into surviving
the inevitable collapse of society.
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00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,280
Call me crazy. I do.
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00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:08,120
I've gotta go, Jay.
Enjoy the dead deer.
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00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,440
CALL ENDS
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All clear.
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00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,200
So, we've owned the bar
for nearly 12 years.
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00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:15,800
Our father owned it before that.
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00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:17,400
OK, let's go.
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00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:19,840
I need to go and get my man.
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00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,840
Oh, my God, we're going to end
up on the fucking news.
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00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:31,840
MUSIC: The Look by Roxette
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00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:39,440
# Walking like a man
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00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:40,480
# Hitting like a hammer
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00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:41,640
# She's a juvenile scam
183
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:43,120
# Never was a quitter
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00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,400
# Tasty like a raindrop
185
00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:45,800
# She's got the look
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00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:49,200
# Heavenly bound
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00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:50,520
# Cos heaven's got a number
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00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:51,760
# When she's spinning me around
189
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:53,080
# Kissing is a colour
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00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:54,520
# Her loving is a wild dog
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00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:55,720
# She's got... # Hi!
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00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:58,360
I remember you -
the little Irish girl.
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00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,360
IMITATES IRISH ACCENT:
Top of the mornin' to ya!
194
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:03,520
Bloody hell,
you've not grown an inch, have you?
195
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:06,760
Uh, hi, yeah, Maggie Donovan.
I'm here do a talk for Miss Finch.
196
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,000
Oh, yeah,
she said something about that.
197
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:10,720
Hang on here while...
198
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:12,360
IMITATES IRISH ACCENT:
..I give her a buzz.
199
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,920
Do you still get
those nasty nosebleeds?
200
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,120
No.
201
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:18,280
Sometimes.
202
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,640
Oh, I can't believe
you were the nosebleed kid. Eurgh!
203
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,280
I forgot how much I hate it here.
204
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:27,520
God, it even smells the same.
How do you preserve a smell, like?
205
00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:28,640
I can't picture you here.
206
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:31,520
It's very Grange Hill with
somehow less glamour.
207
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,000
Oh, my God!
208
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,160
That's him. That's Mr Phillips.
209
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,200
What, the lurcher?
210
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:46,880
BOTH: Oh, my God!
211
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,520
He fucking remembers. He probably
thinks you're here to make, like,
212
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:52,160
a historical complaint. How does
he still have his job here?!
213
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,840
I mean, people saw him do the lurch.
214
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,120
Mr Wilson saw him do the lurch,
and now he's his boss.
215
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:57,760
Don't you think
that's really fucked up?
216
00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:59,680
Maggie Donovan!
217
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,040
SHE LAUGHS
218
00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:05,360
Hey. The greatest Willy Loman
this school has ever seen.
219
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:08,400
Aw! And you're a professional
actor now?
220
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,440
No, um...I'm a playwright!
221
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:13,040
Oh.
222
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:14,200
Well, that's nice too.
223
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:17,560
Uh, this is...
224
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,720
Adele Dazeem, Maggie's publicist.
225
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,200
My goodness, a publicist.
226
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:22,720
Isn't that something?
227
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:24,640
Now, listen, I have some fab news.
228
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:27,280
Our principal, Mr Wilson -
you might remember him...
229
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:29,000
Mr Wilson...
230
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:30,040
History, was it?
231
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:32,080
Yes, that's right! Yes, yeah, yeah.
232
00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,440
I told him about you coming
and he said,
233
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:36,520
"With an alumnus of your calibre,
234
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:38,560
"we shouldn't be wasting you
on the little 'uns."
235
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,080
So he's set up an assembly
for you with the A-level lot.
236
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,640
Only 100-odd kids or so,
so it should be quite fun.
237
00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:44,800
What? I...
238
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:47,600
100 teenagers? Like big teenagers?
239
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:52,080
Hmm, I don't know if that's a great
idea from a PR point of view.
240
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,880
James, she's getting cold feet!
241
00:09:54,920 --> 00:10:00,720
MUSIC: Let Me Love You by Mario
242
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,040
MUSIC GRINDS TO HALT
243
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,640
Wow, that is not
how I remembered him.
244
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,240
Maggie Donovan.
245
00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:14,400
James Wilson - I don't
know if you remember at all,
246
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:16,320
but I had the pleasure of
teaching you history.
247
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:18,600
Yes, I, um...
248
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,680
Yes, I do remember.
MAGGIE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
249
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,480
Uh, this is my...
250
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:24,760
Adele Dazeem,
publicist to the stars.
251
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:25,800
Lovely to meet you.
252
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,200
So, Maggie, I hope it's all right
with you that we've
253
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:30,640
expanded your audience a little bit.
254
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,360
Well, I, um...
255
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,720
Come on! I mean,
the Maggie Donovan I remember
256
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,880
wouldn't have been scared
of a few teenagers.
257
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,200
MAGGIE AND MR WILSON LAUGH
258
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:39,520
Um...
259
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,240
Yeah, no, I'd love to.
260
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,240
Definitely.
261
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:47,280
Great.
262
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,320
I mean...he still has
something about him.
263
00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:57,400
He does have a thing.
264
00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:01,040
It's not the thing I was expecting,
which is, like, classic good looks,
265
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:03,600
but he does have a thing, and
he's the principal, and that's...
266
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:04,800
That's fit. It is fit.
267
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:05,840
It IS fit!
268
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:09,840
However, I cannot do this
assembly... Yeah, right.
269
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:11,920
..because it is like my idea
of hell, you know?
270
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,760
Like, a group
of 11-year-olds who don't know
271
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,880
their arse from their elbow
is one thing, but 100...
272
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,840
100 fucking hormonal nutjobs.
273
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,840
And these are NOT nice kids.
I went to this school.
274
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,600
We're not at fucking Hogwarts.
You'll literally get cyber-bullied.
275
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:25,040
They'll find your Instagram
and make fun of your selfies.
276
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:26,120
MAGGIE GASPS
277
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:27,640
Do you think they've read
the reviews?
278
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,680
Do I think these
small-town teenagers
279
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,320
have read the reviews
of your fringe play?
280
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:34,080
I mean, I would say off-West End,
but...
281
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:35,880
I mean, he...
282
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:39,720
Mr Wilson, he's literally just
a secondary school teacher.
283
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,960
You want to do a runner?
Thank you for saying it.
284
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,200
I didn't want to say it.
285
00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:46,760
Ah...busted!
286
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:47,920
Hi, we weren't leaving.
287
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,400
Well, I hope not.
MAGGIE CHUCKLES
288
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:51,560
PHONE BUZZES
It's work, sorry.
289
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,240
Klent, I've told you, if there's a
spider, trap it under a glass...
290
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:55,800
Could I, um, grab one of those?
291
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:56,840
Yeah, sure. OK.
292
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,000
I thought your generation
didn't smoke.
293
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:08,440
Ah, no, that's the one after us.
294
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,320
We smoke,
we just refuse to drink cow's milk.
295
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:11,360
CHUCKLING: Oh, right.
296
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:16,080
What is it?!
297
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,320
The till's not printing receipts.
298
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:20,840
Shall I just close?
299
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,520
No, it just needs new till roll.
300
00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,360
It's in the office,
top drawer of the desk.
301
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,880
Jay told me to stay out of there
while he's here with the surveyor.
302
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,600
What do you mean surveyor?
303
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:33,240
I don't know.
I think they take surVEYS of things.
304
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:34,440
Like a questionnaire.
305
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,360
No, I... Klent, how did they
get in there?
306
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,320
I gave them a key.
Why did you do that?
307
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,320
Uh, because keys open locks.
308
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,080
EDDIE SIGHS
I'll be there soon.
309
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:46,360
She's so badly raised.
310
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,240
So, do you actually remember me,
311
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,520
or did you have to look through
a few old yearbooks?
312
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,400
No, you're not someone
you forget in a hurry.
313
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,720
Because I was a nightmare?
No, no, I saw you more
314
00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:59,600
as a young woman
with a lot of spirit,
315
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,760
a lot of potential, and very little
patience for authority.
316
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,000
Plus, you know, you'd just moved
to a whole new country,
317
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:06,680
so it can't have been easy.
318
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,880
Well, thanks for, um...
319
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:10,800
For being nice to me back then.
320
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:12,160
You were special.
321
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,720
ARE special...
322
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:18,880
..I'm sure.
323
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:23,680
So, um, Mr Phillips...
324
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:27,240
Mm. Do you remember
what happened with him at prom?
325
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,760
I'm just, like, surprised to see
that he's still working here.
326
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:30,840
MR WILSON CLEARS THROAT
327
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,040
Well, better get back.
328
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:37,600
Nearly time for your big moment.
329
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:57,960
PHONE BUZZES
330
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:07,000
Eddie! There you are.
331
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,120
We need to go. My brother's
snooping around the bar.
332
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,560
We can't leave now, Eddie, can we?
MAGGIE SNIGGERS
333
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,120
You're doing the assembly?
334
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:16,200
You left me with him.
335
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,400
He kept looking at me with his eyes.
336
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,960
Maggie, I need to go.
337
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,440
We can leave straight after.
338
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:26,920
This will take five minutes, tops.
339
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:27,960
Oh, my God.
340
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,040
Oh, Maggie Donovan!
341
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,080
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
Oh, my goodness, hi!
342
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:37,800
How are you? You look incredible.
343
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,520
Thanks, you too.
344
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,400
Adele, this is... Alison.
345
00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:44,120
Alison, yeah.
We were in the same year.
346
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,600
It's been...yonks.
347
00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:48,040
What are you doing here?
348
00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:50,720
Uh, they've invited me here to lead
a little assembly to inspire
349
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:53,320
the next generation to reach beyond
the confines of their tiny lives.
350
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,560
But what about you?
What have you been up to?
351
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:59,280
Oh, well, I teach dance
here, which is brill.
352
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,040
Oh, and I've got three kids,
if you can believe that.
353
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,920
Why...?! WISE of you to have so
many.
354
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,440
Right, well, I don't want to keep
you before your big assembly,
355
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,480
but I would love to catch
up afterwards.
356
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:12,120
Ah! Ah!
357
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:16,600
Three kids?!
358
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:17,640
She is my age.
359
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:19,120
What was she, a child bride?
360
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,280
Some women spend their 20s
starting a family,
361
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,440
some women spend them on ketamine.
Both are valid choices.
362
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,920
Right, time for my TED talk.
363
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,760
OK, Maggie, you are really
confident about this improvised
364
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:32,320
but apparently life-changing
speech you're about to make.
365
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:34,360
Eddie, they are kids.
366
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,680
How hard could it be?
367
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:43,920
WHISPERS: Jesus, they're massive.
368
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,400
WHISPERS: These are teenagers?
369
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:49,400
MR WILSON: Maggie is a playwright.
370
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:52,400
She's worked with some big-name
London theatres,
371
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:56,320
including the Dagenham Arts Club
and Bar,
372
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:59,880
and several
up-and-coming pub theatres.
373
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:02,640
So it just goes to show the sky's
the limit for our alumni.
374
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:05,920
So, let's welcome her up
with a round of applause.
375
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,640
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
376
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,240
Hi...
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
377
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,520
What is theatre?
378
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:27,840
It's just a room.
379
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:31,840
Uh, it's like this room, but, um...
380
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:33,840
..better.
381
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:37,320
You can get wine there, for
instance.
382
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,240
STAMMERING: And if you have....
383
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:44,160
If you have a room, you have
theatre.
384
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,840
That's actually quite profound,
because if you think about it,
385
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,120
like, everyone has a room...
386
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:50,720
Well, like, not every... Um...
387
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,040
And, um, you know what they say...
388
00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,360
..all the world's a stage...
389
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:05,560
..and the men and ladies -
merely people.
390
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,040
Do you know who said that?
391
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:13,280
Abraham Lincoln.
392
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:18,920
STIFLED LAUGHTER
393
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,480
Uh, so, yeah...
394
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,200
Instead of me, like,
doing this long speech,
395
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:27,160
I thought, like,
we'd kind of do, like, a Q&A.
396
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:30,160
So if anyone has any questions
they wanted to...
397
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,440
Yes.Yeah, what's your bra size?
LAUGHTER
398
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:35,480
MR WILSON: All right,
absolutely hilarious, Aaron.
399
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,360
Mr Woolley, would you take
him to your office, please?
400
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,080
STUDENTS GROAN
Aw, come on!
401
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:41,480
Boo!
402
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:44,640
STUDENT: Answer the question!
Um, yeah, I'm...
403
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,800
I'm not gonna answer that one
because I don't wanna get Yewtreed.
404
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:50,280
SILENCE
405
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:55,680
MAGGIE SIGHS
406
00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,800
Uh...
407
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:01,440
Are there any other questions? Yeah.
408
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:02,640
Did you like school?
409
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:05,080
Oh, fuck, no, I hated it.
LAUGHTER
410
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,680
All right, come on!
411
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,480
We've all heard a swear word before.
412
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,520
LAUGHING: Um, sorry.
413
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:12,800
Um, sorry.
414
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:14,280
Yeah, no, I, um...
415
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:15,360
I really hated school.
416
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,800
STUDENTS LAUGH AND CHEER
417
00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:19,480
It felt like...
418
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,200
Like a huge
waste of my time and, like...
419
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:24,600
Like, nobody gives a fuck
about your A-level results
420
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:25,680
in the real world,
421
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,120
and university is just a scam
run by the government
422
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,160
to fund nuclear arms, probably.
423
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:32,120
But, um, yeah.
424
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:33,360
Like, what did I even learn?
425
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,200
I don't remember anything I learned,
and I turned out fine, so...
426
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,480
STUDENTS LAUGH
427
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,280
STUDENT CHEERS
428
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:42,840
Any more questions?
429
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:52,640
Come in.
430
00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:00,960
So...apologies.
431
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,320
That was a bit inappropriate.
432
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:03,400
A bit?!
433
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:04,960
But they really responded to me!
434
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,360
You know, the honesty -
teenagers like honesty.
435
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:10,640
Oh, oh, is that
what teenagers like?
436
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,800
You've completely undermined
everything we do here.
437
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:15,640
What, because I didn't pretend
school was the best years
of my life?
438
00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:18,000
It is a battle keeping
some of these kids in school.
439
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:20,440
You have absolutely no idea!
440
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,720
You, you're just... I'm what?
441
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:23,760
You...
442
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:26,160
What?
443
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:39,240
THEY PANT AND GROAN
444
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:42,800
Just tell him to leave, Klent.
445
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:44,840
He's not answering my texts.
446
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,200
No, he's not going to
karate kick you! He's my brother.
447
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:48,560
Hang on.
448
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,640
Excuse me,
have you seen Maggie anywhere?
449
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,080
Who?
450
00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:53,480
The little Irish girl.
451
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,000
CHUCKLING: Oh, yeah.
452
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:56,720
She went into Mr Wilson's office.
453
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,360
I've been thinking
about you for 15 years.
454
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,080
Oh, me too!
455
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,360
I mean, not in paedo-y way.
456
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:05,480
OK, don't say that word.
457
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,040
Sorry, sorry.
458
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:10,640
I mean, we just had this connection.
Yes, exactly.
459
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:12,640
Exactly
Right, take your knickers off.
460
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:13,680
OK.
461
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:18,920
Oh, my God, she's actually doing it.
462
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,320
She's actually...
Oh, hi, Maggie's friend! Hi!
463
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:24,160
Could you tell her that
it was so nice to see her? Yeah.
464
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,800
I've got to start dance club.
I'll leave these two with their dad.
465
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,440
Oh, sorry, I think Mr Wilson's
just a little bit busy right now.
466
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:32,280
Oh, no, it's OK! It's just us.
467
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:33,920
Sorry, could I...?
468
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,360
Thank you. Yeah. Thanks.
469
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:37,720
Come, on guys. Oh, my God.
470
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:41,040
SCREAMING AND SHOUTING
471
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:43,040
What the fuck, James?
472
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:44,560
No, no, no! Please, listen!
473
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:47,040
Alison, what are you doing here?
What am I doing in here?
474
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,920
I'm his wife!
475
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:52,280
I'm sorry, you married a student?
476
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:53,600
We connected YEARS after!
477
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:56,960
Oh, my God. Can you please
tell your kids to stop filming me?!
478
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,720
Don't fucking talk to me!
You do not fucking talk to me!
479
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,560
I think they're gonna
put it on TikTok.
480
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,760
You promised me I was the only one!
481
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:04,960
You were... ARE.
482
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,720
I am genuinely sorry, but I
cannot...
483
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,240
Thank you for accompanying me
on another gorgeous day out.
484
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,240
One for the...record books.
485
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:43,040
Look, I'm all for shenanigans...
486
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,280
..but are you manic?
487
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:53,160
Just because if you are,
you know what comes next, right?
488
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:56,120
OK, this wasn't my finest hour,
but you don't need to be so judgy.
489
00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:57,920
No, I'm not... I was just...
490
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:00,240
I just wanted to check.
491
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:02,040
Sorry, I'm just...
492
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:05,480
I'm pranging out about Jay sniffing
around the bar earlier.
493
00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:07,400
No, no, no, it's cool. I get it.
494
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:08,760
Now, if you'll excuse me,
495
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,600
I need to go and wash
an old man's come out of my tights.
496
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:12,840
You're a nightmare.
497
00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:16,120
DOOR SLAMS
But you love me!
498
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:17,680
But I love you.
499
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:28,800
MUSIC: In Waves by Slow Club
500
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:03,440
CLOCK TICKS, POLICE SIREN WAILS
501
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:09,760
Damn it.
502
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:11,880
CLOCK TICKS, FALLS SILENT
503
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:20,320
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