Original subtitles

I'm not thinking about it, I'm doing it. .

I'm leaving to go back to university .

to learn about more than the price of opti-bright laser copy paper, you know. .

-298 a gram. -240 a gram. Check the list. .

Yeah, I thought you said something different. .

-What are you going to study? -Psychology. .

Why do you want to be a psychiatrist for? .

They're all mad themselves, aren't they? .

I want to be a psychologist. .

Same difference. All right then, Einstein. .

If you're so clever, what am I thinking about now? .

You're thinking, "How could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?" .

-No. -No? .

You're thinking, "If I crash-land in a jungle, .

"will I be able to eat my own shoes?" .

-No, and you can't. -Right. What are you thinking, Gareth? .

I was just wondering, "Will there ever be a boy born .

"who can swim faster than a shark?" .

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY) .

GARETH: All right? .

Oh, midday. Are you just getting in? .

No. I should be here in about an hour. .

(SNIGGERS) About an hour. You're already here. I get it. .

Who am I, then, Dixon of Dock Green? .

-What? -Evening, all. .

-Brilliant. -Sorry I'm late. .

Yeah. Not so worried about that, but while you're lodging with me, .

your parents have entrusted me with their most valuable possession. .

You. .

Yeah? Ipso facto, .

trust received, responsibility given and taken. .

Yeah? .

I'm your guardian. You stayed out all night. .

Okay. You stayed with a friend, that's fine. .

I'm a little bit annoyed at her parents for not calling me... .

-His parents weren't in. -His parents. It's a bloke, so what? .

Come on. God. Chill out, shall we, please? .

You know. Girl with a friend that happens to be a boy. .

-I could stay at Dawn's. -No, you couldn't. .

I could if I got off with... At the wrong... .

Got off at the wrong bus stop. .

I could, you know, I'd be on the floor... .

Yeah. We spent some time on the floor. .

For a good reason... .

probably. .

More room. .

Just go free. Come on. Jesus. You know. .

-But if I did stay at Dawn's... -Which you couldn't. .

You could stay at mine if you wanted. .

DAVID: I don't want to stay at yours. .

The point is if I did stay at Dawn's, .

there'd be no funny business. .

There was no funny business, fine. .

Apart from all the sex, but we'll do it at your place next time .

so you don't have to worry. .

It wasn't anyone in the office, was it? .

It was, actually. .

I slept with somebody in the office, everybody! .

(LAUGHING) Show's over. All right, good. Well done. That's fine. .

Don't even... It's not that... .

Oh. .

Oh. .

I'd let you stay at mine. .

(PHONE RINGS) .

Um, well, I'm getting a secretary because I need one. So... .

And the lucky contestants are... .

All right? .

DAWN: Oh. This is Stuart Foot. DAVID: Hi, Stuart. .

-And Karen Roper. -Mr Brent. .

I don't know a Mr Brent. David. .

She'll brighten up the place, won't she? .

If she gets the job. So will he. .

If he gets it. Because you're both equal. .

So we're on the no foregone conclusion, based on interview and merit. .

I mean, it is up to me, ultimately, but good luck. .

You'd do well to impress me. So, nurse, the Polaroid! .

(LAUGHS) Just for, um... .

Just for... Sit down. I'm just going to take a snapshot. .

Just for the files. Just to keep on record. .

I'll do it. I'll do it. .

Let's get that lovely smile on... .

I'll come down here. .

That's nice. Oh, look, the hair all... .

Lovely. That looks nice. Lovely blue eyes. .

Okay. Big smile. .

That was lovely. Lovely, lovely. Just give that a minute. .

We'll have a look at that. Do one of you as well. .

Good. .

Good. .

-We're doing Stuart first. -Yeah. Let's get him out the way. .

Come on, follow me. .

Through here. .

Good. .

Stuart Foot. .

Oh. What is that? .

"Money don't make my world go round, I'm reaching out to a higher ground." .

-Is that a philosopher? -Des'ree. .

The singer? .

# Money don't make my world go round .

(BEATING RHYTHM ON TABLE) .

# I'm reaching out to a higher ground .

# To a warm and peaceful place .

# I-I-I-I can rest my weary face .

I don't think I... .

# 'Cause we're living, we're living .

# In a crazy maze # .

Why do you want to work here? .

Shoot. .

Yeah. "The bosses" are panicking. .

They're going, "Oh, cut back, lose staff. .

"That's the way forward. That'll save us money." Will it? .

Yeah? .

Who's to say that hiring staff won't save money in the long run? .

Does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle? .

No, he turns up in a newer car. Perception, yeah? .

They've got to trust me. I'm taking these guys into battle, yeah? .

And I'm doing me own stapling. .

A sergeant major spends all his time training his men to be killers. .

He doesn't polish his own boots. .

He probably does polish his own boots, .

but, you know, that doesn't mean... .

It doesn't mean I have to do my own filing. .

Hi. Are you ready to see Karen Roper now? .

Yeah. .

KAREN: Thank you. .

-Hi. -Hello. .

-Let's get you sat down. -Okay. .

No. I've got one over here ready. .

(DAVID SIGHS) .

Good. Pop it down. .

Good. Right. .

The interview. .

Let's see .

what we've got here. Hmm. .

Karen Roper. .

Curriculum vitae. Mmm. .

Just looking at this. Checking it out. .

Good. Tell me about yourself. .

Um, well, I did GCSEs and A-levels and... .

Too boring. Tell me about yourself. .

Okay. Well, I'm quite into films and music. .

Yeah? .

Des'ree? .

-I don't really know... -Oh, yeah. Let's put that down there. .

Last year, I took a year out and I went travelling, exploring... .

Exploring yourself. .

And Asia. .

-Just with your boyfriend? -No, I was on my own. .

Good, by yourself, just out there. Free. .

Getting what you can while you're young. .

I don't know when... .

You've charmed me, yeah? You've got the job. .

Think of a decision, I make it. Good. .

Work out your notice with the place you're at now .

and we'll put you on a month's probation. .

-But that's just to see if we... -Okay. .

Yeah? Good. Good. .

Out tonight celebrating, I suppose? .

Um, yeah. Going to... Do you know the Chasers? .

Oh, I don't believe it. .

If you see three debauched drunkards in the corner, keep away from us! .

No, come over. The drinks will be on me. In me! .

What time are you going to cruise down there? .

It's not definite that we're going... .

No, come down. Come down. Definitely. What's your tipple? .

-Um, vodka and Coke. -Me, lager. .

Finchy, lager. Gareth, lager, sometimes cider. So... .

Different drinks for different needs. .

Yeah. .

Good. Well done. Well done again. .

-Congratulations. -Okay. Thank you. .

New secretary. Good. .

Efficient. .

-So you've resigned, then? -Yeah. .

I've just got to hand in my notice, make it official. .

You embarrassed yourself and all, didn't you, asking Dawn out? .

No, wait. I didn't ask her out. That was... .

Why does everyone think... It was as a friend, okay? .

-Right. Right. -Just as a friend. .

Hi, Donna. How's it going? Settling in? Mind if I... .

(CHUCKLES) .

Who left that there? .

Um... .

Yeah. There's going to be a Health and Safety seminar a little bit later on, .

which I'd like you to attend. .

-Right. -Compulsory, I'm afraid. .

But that's not to say it won't be fun. .

You know, I like to inject my own sense of fun into the proceedings. .

So, 2:00 in the meeting room, all right? .

See you there. .

(KEITH EXHALES) .

Just looking at the booklet at the moment? .

Yeah. .

What did you watch on telly last night? .

I didn't watch telly, I watched a video. .

-I watched that Peak Practice. -Yeah, I've never seen it. .

-Bloody repeat. -Yeah. That's annoying, isn't it? .

Not for me. I hadn't seen it. .

Boring, isn't it? Just staying in, watching Peak Practice with your life. .

-Mmm, yeah. -Not for me. I like it. .

Yeah. I just stayed in, had a big wank. .

-That should be enough, shouldn't it? -Yeah. Fine. .

-The information's elsewhere. -He won't read it. .

(KAREN LAUGHS) .

Despite having done it twice. .

I'll have to get my P45 from my other job. .

DAWN: Okay. .

Brent, just Roper to beat! .

I bloody love football, don't I? .

(RINGS BELL) Service, barman. .

Lager, vodka and Coke. Gave her the gig. .

Oh, God! The dreaded form. .

Does it say on there whether you're married or single? .

It doesn't matter. Whatever. .

Bring your boyfriend down tonight if you want. .

-I don't have a boyfriend. -Whatever. .

-Oh, sorry! Sorry. -Oh! .

That is a man's game. That is... That is... Yeah. .

-I can't see. -Accidental. .

-DAWN: Let me look. -Sorry. .

That's why they shouldn't get involved, really. .

Oh, God! .

-Hi. -Hello. All right? .

-Yeah. I was just... -I've got to go in a sec. So... .

-No. I can eat here? -Of course, you can. .

So we should go for that drink. .

Oh, yeah, yeah. .

-You, me and Lee. -Yeah, the three of us. .

I can probably get someone to come along, so... .

Good. .

-Uh, in the next few weeks? -Definitely. Of course. .

-Right, I'll just check with Lee. -Yeah, absolutely. Of course. .

-Gareth. -All right? .

Gareteo. How are you, mate? .

Nothing. Good to see you. .

(TIM CLEARS THROAT) .

You weren't trying to get off with her, were you? .

Okay. Welcome to Wernham Hogg Health and Safety Training .

with Gareth Keenan. Okay? .

That's me. Pleased to meet you. .

There are many hidden dangers in the workspace, .

and today we're going to find out what those dangers are .

together, all right? .

Starting off with your workstation. .

Now, I want you to imagine that this is a mug of hot coffee. .

It's not, okay, .

because that would be dangerous even in a training situation. .

What we're going to do is play a little fun game that I've made up. .

All right? I like to have a bit of fun when I'm teaching people. .

In fact, I like to have a laugh most of the time, in and out of work. .

In fact, there's a few of us going out tonight... .

Shall we crack on? .

Good. Keen. Excellent. All right. .

Now, watch where I place this mug .

in order to simulate where someone might put a mug in real life. .

What I want you to do is shout out, and shout, mind, "safe" or "dangerous". .

All right? Think you can manage that? .

Okay. Let's go. .

Dangerous. .

Dangerous. .

So, what have we learnt there? .

Don't pour coffee over the computer? .

Any fluids. Right? Good. .

First-class, Dawn. .

-You all right? -Eh? .

-You all right? -Yeah, yeah. Fine, thanks. .

Have you had a good morning or a bad morning? .

A bit of a... (LAUGHS) Oh, God, a bit of a mad morning. .

-Never mind. -See you later. .

Okay. .

Basically, there's a correct way and an incorrect way to lift stuff. .

All right? This is the incorrect way. .

Okay? Incorrect. .

The correct way, two things to remember. .

First of all, keep your back nice and straight. Straight back. .

-And then... -And bend your knees. .

You got to keep your back straight and bend your knees. All right? .

Very important. .

-Do you want to try that with me? -I'm fine. .

Well, I'm supposed to witness you do it so I can tick the box. So... .

Just do it with me a couple of times. .

All right? So, nice straight back, bend your knees... .

Up. That's it. .

Down again. Same on the way down as on the way up. .

Down again. .

Good. One more time. .

Nice, straight back. That's it. .

That's it. Great. .

One more time. That's it. So, you got that? .

I'll practise it at home. .

Excellent. Good. Well done. .

If there's any questions you want to ask, .

or if you want to talk about anything at all, just come and see... .

I know you've, um... .

-I know you slept with... -Are we done, then? .

-You made a mistake, that's fine. -I haven't made a mistake. .

I was just checking whether you're going to be sleeping with him again or no. .

-Spreading it around... -Right. Bye. .

Good. Good. .

Yeah. .

Excellent pupil. Fast learner. .

She won't be spilling any fluids or lifting things incorrectly. .

A, I'm going to give her. .

A. .

(TAPPING KEYBOARD) .

Hi, Gareth. Quick question, mate. .

I've got these invoices to file and I don't know... .

(CONTINUES TYPING) .

-Yes? -Where do I file these? .

-I don't know. -Excellent. Thanks. .

Who am I? .

(LAUGHS) I don't know. .

Indiana Jones. .

(CONTINUE TALKING, INDISTINCT) .

GARETH: It's not as if she's your daughter or anything. .

No. But, that's not the point. It's the principle. .

It was about respect. .

Yeah. Showing a bit of respect. .

And while she's under my roof, she will obey my laws. So... .

Showing respect by obeying the law. .

-She's legal, though. -What? .

When cherries are red, they're ready for plucking, .

-when girls are 16, they're ready for... -Gareth. .

-You heard that one, then. -Well... .

So, are you going to fire the person she shag...slept with? .

It's a free country. I can't do anything about it. So... .

So, you won't fire them, as such? .

I won't look on him favourably, let's put it that way. .

Or her. Or her. It could be a girl. .

She's not a lesbian, Gareth. .

I think I'd know if a woman living under my roof .

liked to roll around with other women. .

Gareth? Don't you? .

Yep. Most probably. .

-Spoke to you at 5:00, yeah? -DAVID: Yeah. .

Get the call at 6:00 from the lads, .

drinks at 8:00 in the Chasers. .

-Spare bird going. -Not for long! .

So I get there, she's aged 19. Ferrari chassis, .

fantastic-sized shelves and legs up to her arse. .

Muchos tequilas later, I'm in a cab with her. .

-Not only that... -Oh, dear. .

...but me mate's bird wants to get a lift with me and this nympho. .

DAVID: Oh, God, Finchy! .

So there I am, back of the cab, .

both of them got their laughing gear .

round the old single-barrel pump-action yogurt rifle, yeah? .

(BOTH LAUGHING) .

-His knob. -FINCH: So, back to mine, .

two hours sleep, yeah? .

Today, I bump into the mate whose bird I've done. .

-Ooh! -Sold him two tonne of high white wove. .

And he says to me, he says, "Hey, you look knackered." .

And I'm thinking, "Yeah. .

"And you looks like you've had a Pot Noodle and a wank, mate." .

-And you said that to him? -Unbelievable. .

FINCH: I shit you not. I'm seeing both of them tomorrow night. .

Coming out tonight still, though? Wednesday night razz? .

Definitely. .

You coming, jobless? .

Yeah. If only for the conversation. .

-Oh. Pot Noodle and a wank! -The best wank. .

TIM: I don't know where we're going tonight. .

Obviously, Finchy's a sophisticated guy .

and Gareth's a culture vulture. .

So, will it be opera, ballet? I don't know. .

I know the RSC's in town, so... .

No, having said that, at Chasers it's a Hooch for a pound .

and Wonderbras-get-in-free night tonight, so... .

I don't know. I don't know who'll win. It's exciting. I'm staying out of it. .

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) .

Garcon! .

-Who wants a Finch pinch? -What? .

Chris Finch, good to meet you. This is my very good friend Sir David Brent. .

Hiya. .

Joking. The only knighthood he's got is a condom. .

Knight hood. .

-Condom, sheath. -I'm saying the joke worked. Good. .

Condoms come in all different flavours now, don't they? .

Like strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry? .

FINCH: Well, what are your names? .

I'm Lorna. This is Lindsey and Heather. .

DAVID: Hi, pleased to meet you. FINCH: Hi, nice to meet you. .

-Nice to meet you. -Pleased to meet you. .

And very nice to meet you. .

Nice to meet all of you. Anyone's fine. .

(SPINNING AROUND BY KYLIE MINOGUE PLAYING) .

Nice shirt. .

Cheers. Ciro Citterio. .

While you're down there, love. .

(LAUGHS) .

Well, you know what they say, "One up the bum, no harm done." .

-You never heard that before? -Yeah. .

Christ, that'll do. .

Hey, if you're looking for a seat, love, you can sit on my face! .

Not her, don't, please. .

She's staying with me. Her dad'll kill me. .

-Leave it. -God, you lucky bastard. .

That chair's a bit soft do you want something hard here? .

Don't. Do it to other girls. That's fine. Please, just... .

GARETH: Yeah, we go there every Wednesday night .

and it's a fun place, .

but it's full of loose women. .

And my only problem with that is venereal disease, .

which is disabilitating. .

Especially for a soldier. .

And it's irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, all right? .

You've been under attack for days, .

there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in. .

"Who's used all the penicillin?" .

"Oh, Mark Paxton, sir. He's got knob rot off some tart." .

(DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES) .

Coming through. .

(HUMMING) .

(MOCK GROWLS) .

(LAUGHS) .

Don't worry. I haven't got any balls. .

Vodka and Coke. Remembered. .

What am I drinking? .

-Lager? -Pint thereof. .

They're coming up to me, one at a time, and they're going, .

"Oh, will we be made redundant, David?" .

And I'm going, "No. Over my dead body." .

And they're going, "Don't put your neck on the line for us." .

I'm going "I will if I want to." Because, well, .

they bend over backwards for me, you know, .

and not because they're scared of me, .

but because they love me and I love them. You know? .

You'll grow to love me as well... .

Not... Because of what I am, not anything sexual. .

-David, David, David. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. .

Hey, what bike you got? .

-A Matchless 500. -What's that, a Harley-Davidson? .

-I love all that. -Leave it. .

I'm not... Trying to get you out of it. .

TIM: Slough's nightlife is incredible. .

It's got two nightclubs. You've got Chasers .

and New York, New York. .

And they call it "The nightclub that never sleeps". .

That closes at 1:00. Mmm. .

There is... There was... Oh, my God. .

A themed nightclub called Henry VIII's, right? .

This was incredible. It had the Ann Boleyn Alley. .

This is true. .

As you went into the loo, there was a sign that said "Mind Your Head." Nice. .

And underneath someone had written "Don't get your Hampton Court." .

Hmm-hmm! .

Yeah. It's not there any more. .

But there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. .

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) .

Who are you? .

Oh, have you not met me husband Paul? .

Husband? .

Paul, is it all right if Gareth comes back with us? .

-Fine. -Husband? .

No way, I don't... No. Not interested. No. .

I'm not having another fella involved. Another girl, maybe, not another bloke. .

I wouldn't even want him watching. .

No. No way. .

(TAINTED LOVE BY SOFT CELL PLAYING) .

DONNA: Hi. .

-Hey. All right, mate? -Good to see you, all right, yeah. .

-So now you know. -DAVID: Yeah, brilliant. .

What? You got a problem with Ricky? .

No. Sleep with everyone in the office. .

He's not even a permanent member of staff. .

I'd have preferred it if you slept with Gareth. .

Wouldn't happen. .

Oh, why? 'Cause he didn't go to university? .

No, because he's a little weasel-faced arse. .

Yeah, you could do worse than Gareth. .

He hasn't missed one day in this office from ill health. .

And don't call my second-in-command an arse-faced weasel. .

-A weasel-faced arse. -Same thing. .

Well, no, it's not. Would you rather have a face like an arse .

or a face like a weasel? .

A weasel, probably? .

Anyway, fuck this. Don't tell me who I can and can't see. .

I hope you're not going to sleep with a woman, David, .

'cause obviously you find sex so disgusting. .

Chance would be a fine thing. He couldn't pull in a brothel. .

I could and I have! .

And yes, I will take her home with me if I want. .

I don't want to come home with you. .

She doesn't want to come home with me. .

I don't want you to come home with me. That's a waste of an hour. .

So the only reason you've been talking to me is because you want to shag me? .

Yeah, and from behind, because your breath stinks of onions. .

And I didn't tell you that, did I? .

FINCH: Whoo! One up the bum, no harm done. .

No. Not up the arse. .

DAVID: This is the poem Slough by Sir John Betjeman. .

Probably never been here in his life. .

"Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough! .

"It isn't fit for humans now." .

Right, I don't think you solve town planning problems .

by dropping bombs all over the place, so he's embarrassed himself there. Next. .

Um... "In labour-saving homes, with care .

"Their wives frizz out peroxide hair .

"And dry it in synthetic air And paint their nails." .

They want to look nice. .

Why's he got a... Doesn't he like girls? .

"And talk of sports and makes of cars In various bogus-Tudor bars .

"And daren't look up and see the stars But belch instead." .

What's he on about? What, so he never burped? .

-Where are we going? -You just... .

TIM: What do you mean? I'm going home, mate. .

-No, one more drink. Don't be a poof. -No, I'm going home. .

-Come on, one more drink. -David... .

-One more drink. -David... .

-# Life, oh, life -Shut up. Shut up. .

# Oh, life, oh, life # .

TIM: Don't do that. DAVID: It's my favourite. .

DAVID: "Come, friendly bombs and fall on Slough .

"To get it ready for the plough. .

"The cabbages are coming now, the earth exhales." .

He's the only cabbage round here. .

And they made him a knight of the realm. .

Overrated. .