All language subtitles for No Activity s04e06 Exit Counselor.eng

Please remain calm.

You do not know me, but I am not here to
hurt you.

Really, Dirk? I could smell your eau de
toilette all the way here, and the mask?

Come on!

Look, I know we've been going through a
rough patch lately, and that's why I

brought you here.

What, you really think kidnapping me is
going to win me back?

Strawberry, this is for your own good.
I'm doing this for us.

Dirk, I've been a hostage the entire
time we were together. Don't you

understand? I know that's not true.

Emma, we have so much love for each
other.

Remember that night we went camping at
Frog Hollow?

Started raining, so we went to the car
and you climbed on top of me.

And then I climbed right back on top of
you.

I'm not going to get upset because I
know this is not you.

It definitely is. No, it definitely is
not.

But... I actually have some exciting
news for us. Your husband is currently

working with the Bureau.

Sorry, you probably don't know what the
Bureau is. The FBI.

What? Yeah.

Well, I'm pretty sure I'm the only
person to escape that cult and live to

about it. It's not a cult.

And the Bureau just recognized the
skills straight away.

I just want you to know that my services
are at your disposal.

I'm a team player. No task too small.

Seriously, just excited to be a part of
the conversation.

Hang on, sorry.

Are you talking to me?

It's sort of a consulting role, but I
really think it could lead to something

more permanent.

You're telling me the FBI have
authorized you to kidnap me?

Well, no. But when I come back with you
as an asset? Well, you can imagine.

Let's just say my back is ready for some
awfully big pats. I'm not your asset,

you sad, sad man.

That hurts, but... You're not yourself.

I'm completely myself. And that's why I
brought someone who's an expert in these

kinds of brainwashing situations.

A deprogrammer who's here to... I prefer
the term exit counselor.

Who are you?

Me. I'm many things. I'm a security
agent. I'm a piano tuner. I'm a life

model. It depends on the day and the
call to action. But right here, right

I am a...

Deprogrammer. Exit counselor.

Exit counselor.

Yes. It's nice to see that you're
listening, Susan.

It's Sue.

I prefer Susan. My full name is Sue.
It's on my birth certificate.

But I prefer Susan.

Oh, Cullen, look at you, escalating a
nothing situation into a full

-scale siege?

You only did the exact opposite of what
Fuller asked you to do, which was

observe and report. Now we've got
Rizzoli in a coma, and the FBI has a

Waco Part 2 on its hands. Job well done,
Special Agent Fuckhead.

Sorry. Mike Paxton.

What? Are you kidding me, Bo? That is
the third fucking time that I'm crushing

monologue and you're not getting found?

Okay, fine. Circle that take. I'll ADR
it in post. That's additional dialogue

recording. Dude, you are doing great.

Are they going to film everything we do?
No, they're going to film everything I

do. Well, I guess actually, which means
they're going to probably film

everything you're doing as well because
my whole job here is to clean up your

mess. So if you want to work on like our
dynamic, like what's your guy's story?

Yeah, I got a pitch. What if I'm the guy
in the documentary who doesn't give a

fuck about you or the documentary and I
say we go in and take down the fucking

collective because the cult leader
fucking drugged me and maybe it's time

some fucking revenge and we take these
fuckers down.

How about that?

Okay!

Save that gold for when we're rolling.

You're giving a Christian Bale -level
performance right now, and I want you to

know I'm seeing it. You could be an anti
-hero. Jurgen, make a note of that.

Maybe Cullen as anti -hero, question
mark?

We can talk about that later on a notes
call.

All good to go. Okay, we're back. We're
in it, okay? Red leather, yellow

leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

Are you okay? Do you want to do any warm
-ups? No. So when we come back in, when

I say action, I want you to give me that
exact speech you just gave me about

drugged and blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah. Okay, ready?

And go.

I was drugged and...

You know what? I'm just going to go. Oh,
yeah, yeah. Why don't you get out of

here? Why don't you go before we make
our day?

We have a shot list. Part of it is this
scene we're doing right now. I didn't

know this was a scene. I'm just trying
to do police work.

So I'm going to go do some police work,
okay? Okay, fine. Juergen, send somebody

to film him do police work, and I'll do
VO over it saying all the stuff about

revenge. Can we do that?

Yeah. Okay, I'm going.

Okay, Juergen. C and D on him. Okay.
Thank you.

So, first up, I would like to...

apologize for the drama. The abduction.

Well, you say tomato, I say... I say
abduction.

Look, I know you've heard a lot about
exit counselors. You've read the books,

you've listened to the podcast.

No, I haven't. Oh, well, you should.
It's pretty interesting stuff.

Coercion, brute force, non -consensual
tickling, you know, yeah.

All that stuff has happened and may
happen again. But I'm not here to

for an entire industry, okay? I don't
need to make friends. I'm not trying to

get in with the popular girls at school.

You understand?

We're on the same page?

How long will this take?

Yeah, you're right. We should start,
right?

Wrong. We already did.

And it's going great.

I can really see why Dirk picked you.
You guys are really perfect for each

other. Thank you. I appreciate that. And
you are going to appreciate this.

I'm going to untie you, thus
establishing trust.

Hopefully it's just the first step on us
becoming friends at the end, which is

my preferred outcome.

So, Dirk, release the house.

Can I speak to you for a second?

Are you sure about untying her?

Don't you ever question my authority in
front of the subject again.

Sorry. I'm establishing an agreement and
reward relationship based on mutual

respect and trust, okay?

Okay. Okay. I mean, I have questions,
but I'm certainly not going to ask them.

Well, hang on to them. Okay, fine.

Jot them down. Fine, I'll untie her per
your step.

This is insane, Dirk.

What was I supposed to do, huh?

Leave you in there? I can't lose you to
a cult.

One, it's not a cult. Two, how much is
this guy cost to you? You can't put a

price on freedom of the mind.

Exactly. Money is no object. You've
always known that about me. How much?

on, tell me.

All right, fine. Full disclosure.

My services are $19 .99 an hour.

Paying him by the hour.

Every second.

Ticking by, costing you money.

This doesn't bother me. And it's
actually $25 an hour.

You didn't put the code Greg in at
checkout?

No, there was a code.

Yeah, yeah. If you put that in, you get
20 % off.

Can I put it in now?

You have to put it in at checkout.

Oh, come on. Well, that's not a great
system.

You didn't even... It works for
everybody else.

Next time you use my services, put the
code word Greg in. Well, what if this is

the only time? I can't keep having this
argument with every single client. Oh,

so there are others who have experienced
this problem.

I don't build websites.

Oh, so it's not necessary that code
enter. It's the people who make the

They also charge me.

Okay, give it to me. What's wrong with
you today? Is your herpes flaring up? I

don't have herpes.

I'm upset.

Because of Jared.

Who? Jared.

My Jared.

I have no idea what you're talking
about. Are you kidding me? I've talked

Jared about a million times. He was my
high school sweetheart.

Ugh, I would have hated you in high
school.

All right, just give me the 25 words or
less version.

He took my virginity on prom night and
wouldn't return my calls the next day or

the day after that. And then he moved
away and we never spoke again. I was

crushed. That was 33 words.

Jared found me on Facebook today.

After I checked in to this area, he just
messaged me. All right, what did he

write? Oh, my God, I'm literally 300
yards from you.

He's working on the siege?

No, he's in the cult.

He wants to meet up tonight.

That's brilliant. This is your chance to
tell this guy exactly how big of a

piece of shit he is for treating you so
badly.

Really? You think I should go?

You tell that son of a bitch he's why
you're so emotionally stunted and why

lack confidence and why you're always
practically suffocating your own anxiety

and why you're always undermining
yourself.

I guarantee you'll feel so much lighter
after dumping that weight.

Okay. You know what?

I will.

Thanks, Janice.

Jared deserves to hear this.

Who's Jared?

Jared. From my...

Dory, Jared from high school.

Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, that Jared.

Right. Jared, who took my virginity. I
remember.

Got it.

So do you know who I'm talking about
when I say Jared?

Let's just say I do and let's move on.

A clerk at a butcher shop stands 5 foot
10 inches tall.

He has size 13 shoes.

What does he weigh?

Meat. Check the back of the book.

Yeah. Well, boy, you got that one. Well
done, brainiac.

Okay, how about one that I already know
the answer to?

How much dirt is there in a hole that
measures two feet by three feet by four

feet? I don't know. Some. The usual.
There's no dirt in the hole, Susan,

it's a hole.

Take back control of your mind.

Greg, let's do a deal.

You let me go now.

And I will report you and Dirk to the
authorities for abduction and unlawful

detainment. Uh, no deal. No, yeah, that
is a hard path. And a pro tip from a

fellow negotiator, don't start with your
worst offer.

No, that was the best offer. That's the
best outcome for you both.

Okay, well, listen, if you're trying to
scare me, it's working.

I gotta be honest, I don't really know
Dirk here.

I'm not getting a great vibe from him.
What?

I have no idea of the legality of this
whole thing. I may be a lot of things,

but I'm no lawyer.

All I know is we both love you. Right,
Dirk?

Well, I certainly love her.

And I do too, so that makes us both.

Okay, could you maybe address this
extreme personality change she's gone

through? Her?

She seems the same to me.

You just met her.

Whose side are you on?

Look, I am on my side. Jesus.

Stop.

I'm a little pissed off to be having to
hold your hand through this entire

thing. You don't want the cure to be
worse than the disease. You want them to

kind of on par, equal.

You understand?

No, I don't understand.

Great. Then stay out of my lane.

Let me go.

Hey, see what happens when you question
the process, Dirk?

Also, room damages are extra. That's in
the contract. I don't cover that.

Wow, Fatima, look at you.

Did you get cryogenically frozen the day
after graduation and then defrosted

last week? Because you look the same.

No, actually, you look even more
beautiful.

But you got fat.

Huh? Oh, well, I mean, I guess I just
fell on some bad dietary habits, you

after high school. But I'm just so happy
to see you. I mean, I can't believe how

long it's been. Did you get shorter,
though? You look like you've been

on an air mattress for 20 years. It
looks like you've melted a little bit.

Did I do something to upset you? Oh,
wow.

You didn't mention you became a crack
detective.

Huh? You don't remember how we left
things?

How you took my virginity and then threw
it on the ground and pissed on it.

Wait, what?

I loved you and offered myself to you.
But then after, not a word. You treated

me like I was nothing.

You know, I'm realizing right now, in
this minute, that I've actually been

waiting to tell you what a piece of shit
you are. And you did not deserve my

virginity. You fucking piece of shit,
dirtbag, asshole.

That felt really good. I needed that.
Thank you so much for messaging me.

That's how you remember it? What are you
talking about?

It was you who broke my heart. Oh, come
on.

Your memory is as ravaged by time as
your face.

How could you have forgotten that you
and all your popular girlfriends made a

losing your virginity pact on prom
night? You remember that? And that I

really up for it because my mom died a
week before.

Do you remember that?

What? Oh.

Yeah. Right. That was that portrait of
your mom on the bedside table. Yeah. You

kept looking up.

Well, it was great to catch up.

Good to see you. And hey, how's your
dad?

Never mind. You're kind of going through
stuff.

So it's really good to see you. Bye.

Strawberry, we're only trying to help
you.

We just want you to be free of that
cult.

Right, so I can join your cult again,
Dirk. Let me offer you a deal, okay,

Susan? Call me Susan one more time.
Okay, okay, Sue.

How about this? You give me 48 minutes,
and if you still want to go back to the

cult, then we'll let you. Right, Dirk?

Uh -huh. You promise?

Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a
needle in my eye. Or, hell, both eyes.

I ain't using them anyways.

What do you say?

All right.

48 minutes. Not a second more.

Perfect. I will set a timer.

Okay, I just got addresses.

Come on. Doesn't have a stopwatch? The
guy at the store said... I got it. Go.

Right, so what's so great about the
collective, anyway?

I haven't felt this good about myself
for a long, long time.

Over the years, I've been losing my
sense of autonomy.

I came to rely on Dirk for affirmation
and my self -esteem was all but gone.

Okay, that's not true. You had some
left, not a lot, but some. Dirk, Dirk,

on, please.

I didn't have real intimacy or any sense
of belonging. Dirk's own incuriosity

had made me incurious.

That sounds like my first ex -wife.

But within 24 hours of meeting Terry.

I felt self -actualized, heard,
understood, and supported in a way I

no longer possible.

Terry sounds like a very special lady.

Is she single?

Ha ha.

Kidding. Is she... Greg, could I have a
private word with you?

This fucking guy. Don't know how you put
up with him for as long as you did.

Is this about the contract again? No,
this is... Just come with me for one

second. All right.

Whatever. Let's go.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is not
going well. I'm losing her. Yes, I'm

her and you're not helping.

What are you doing? You're not helping.
You're making it worse.

All I need is a half an hour alone with
her and I can close this thing out.

Why don't you scram, huh? Go grab some
pizzas.

Just grab pizzas?

Yes. Get out of here. Go get some pizzas
and bring them back.

Okay, well, if you're sure this is the
right call... I'm sure, 100%. Dude,

on the hook.

All I need is a little bit of time and I
can reel her in, right?

You get back here, we'll have ourselves
a nice, well -earned pizza party.

Okay, okay. I could really go for some
pizza, to be honest.

And for my wife not being in a cult
anymore. And loving me again. I can make

happen. I'm trusting you with my wife,
Greg.

I'm trusting you with the pizza order.

So that's how it works, right?

Mutual trust.

Guys, let's get some contemplative B
-roll of just Cullen and I looking at

board, right? We're like trying to
decode the clues and all that. Stay in

with me. Stay in it with me, Cullen.

I got a bad feeling about this.

What even is this cork board?

I mean, I've never seen one as large and
elaborate as this one.

Well, now you have.

What do you think? We're catching the
Zodiac killer? Nobody's even been

murdered. What is this checklist?

One, follow the money. Two, find the
clue. Three, solve crime. These are

completely unrelated to the siege.

I mean, why is there a ye olde photo of
an abandoned mine?

You know what? Cut and take five. You
guys go do crafty. Go 10 -1 or whatever.

10 -2, Mike.

You can do 10 -3 if you want. You've got
five minutes and a pretty strong Wi -Fi

here. So go nuts, buddy.

Dude. What the fuck are you doing?
You're fucking this whole thing up.

question the set deck.

Set deck? Yeah, the set decoration.

This is here for a reason, okay? Look,
just for shits and gigs, let me show you

what we're dealing with here.

This is what we're really here for.

What is this? The future of the FBI
right here on this corkboard.

Let me guess. You want to storm the
compound and end the siege, am I right?

Right. Wrong answer, Cullen. We need to
slow play this. The end game is to

create a narrative so that the
documentary can unfold episode by

allowing for cliffhangers at the end of
each episode so that people have to

watch the next episode. You're not
serious about any of this, right?

This is coming from higher ups, okay?
The Bureau is tired of watching our

get turned into IP for other studios,
networks, and production companies.

not just law enforcement officers.

We are content creators.

And what you need to ask yourself right
now is are you going to be a part of

this? Because if you are not, we need to
recast ASAP.

Yeah, I'm a part of it.

Yes, you're not going to regret this.

Also... Lose 10 pounds by Monday.

Dearest Dirk, the good news is you don't
have to share the pizza.

Ha ha. The bad news is the programming
was unfortunately unsuccessful on this

occasion. Thank you for the opportunity
to work with you today. Although we

didn't get the results we hoped for, I
think we can agree that...

There were some good signs, and we all
learned a lot. As you know from the

of service that you agreed to, I don't
provide refunds, but I will offer you 5

off on any of my other services, save
for Marriage Celebrant. Be sure to take

brief survey, and if you'd be so kind, I
sure would appreciate a positive

review. Oh, no, no!

I don't believe your providence will be
my valentine.

Don't do roses anymore.

I keep them knocked out of the cabin
line.

The moon will dip in.

The thunder of the moon set her free.

No name, a dish.

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