Original subtitles

- Hello. - Two berry kirs.

I want a peach one.

One blackcurrant, one peach.

You're French?

Yeah, so?

Oh, our outfits!

It's not what you think.

We're from here.

We get it.

Dressing like the occupier has its perks.

Know what we do to collaborators?

Aren't you Max, the delivery boy?

Yes, yes!

Good-for-nothing Max.

He rammed my fence.

Right, it's you.

- So you're Leon? - Yes.

- You rammed my daughter? - Yes.

Thought so.

No, it wasn't me.

- Who, Violette? - Right, Violette.

- She's my wife. - Lucky you.

No, Louise, my eldest.

Young love!

- Both? - Yeah.

But it was worth it.

I bet.

To Mâcon!

THE CRAZY ADVENTURES OF MAX & LEON

Tie 'em up, they'll come clean!

Get lost, kids. This is our spot.

How's the water?

- Freezing. - Winos!

Not at work?

Hittin' the sauce at 9 am?

09:00, already? Shit, I'm late!

- Aren't you late too, Leon? - No.

- Yes, you are. - Right, I am.

Don't forget I need a hand later. It's important.

Shit! No!

'Morning, Mr. Francis!

You're late!

Painting the town red again, no doubt!

Shakin' your ass and drinkin'!

See me drinkin'?

Listen up.

If you don't lose that big jerk,

you'll go nowhere.

Careful with the van.

Look at that idiot.

So clumsy. Head in the clouds.

Don't worry, Mr. Francis!

Shit! No!

Shit!

So, did you think?

Think?

About marriage!

Marriage?

Juliette...

I'm married to the wind.

I don't want to hurt you.

But I'll always be here to protect you.

Come here.

Leon!

Hi, Mr. Poitou!

You bum! You've had three days! Where's my fence?

It's coming along.

You're screwing with me.

I'll tweak a couple things.

C'mon, Mr. Poitou!

Scram.

Scram I am.

Wine! Wine! Wine!

Enjoy it, boys.

It's your last wine.

Closing time already?

The war.

It's headed our way.

Hell on earth.

What war?

We signed the Munich Agreement. We're fine.

We're wine!

Guess who?

My little fishmonger!

How'd you know?

Your voice.

Find us a table outside.

A nice little table.

She's gonna get it tonight.

You betcha.

What?

She's a bit light on top.

She puts out twice as much to make up for it.

I got the point.

Where are you at?

I do quality, not quantity.

'Evening.

Sorry!

Titties!

Forget it, her loss.

Michel, Michel!

Where were you guys?

You were supposed to help me at the orphanage.

- The kids were disappointed. - Really?

Come off it.

"He who selflessly extends his hand

"will be the greatest of all men.

"And he will receive in return

"without having to extend his hand."

You should see the wider world.

Make new friends.

Why leave Mâcon? We're big fish here.

People are different elsewhere.

We're gonna open a bar.

We'll make new friends here.

Max, you're fired.

Maybe not him.

Did you undress my wife?

Or him.

Fight!

My turn.

Right.

Here we go again.

Not the bottles, we paid a deposit!

Deposit this!

The bass drum!

You said I felt you up?

I'll teach you to fib.

Max? There you are.

I suggest we hightail it.

Ok.

Look, provisions.

Got us a table, Leon!

Shit, I'm late!

No, wait, I'm fired.

So... I'm married to the wind.

You know.

Chin up.

9 am already.

No, 10:00.

11:00?

Damn, what time is it?

Folks are gathering in the town square.

Was it you?

Nope, not me.

It was me?

It was me?

- What's up? - War's been declared!

Conscription Notice

Do we have to be on France's side?

'Fraid so. In a few days we'll all be in hell.

Most of us will die.

Machine-gunned down.

Blown up by landmines.

Crushed under tanks.

Torn apart by bombs.

Got any tricks to avoid the draft?

Yeah.

Spit it out!

- Next. - Fit for service.

Have a good war.

Next.

- I can't see a thing! - Behind you.

Right.

Hope I can fight anyway.

Hot damn!

Eyesight, fine.

Shit.

But we're orphans.

Wards of the State?

- Yes. - We're wards?

Our parents were killed in the Great War.

They suffered terribly.

Did they, now?

What year?

1922.

1922?

After the Armistice, dissidents kept fighting.

And when was the Armistice?

Bastille Day.

Hence, fireworks.

Listen up, you dodgers.

Unless you have a physical handicap,

you're going.

Is having one ball a handicap?

- What? Shut up! - Pipe down.

It certainly is.

I have one ball!

If you consider embarrassment a handicap.

But it won't stop you from fighting.

Next.

Thanks a lot, Leon. We're screwed.

Relax.

- Got all your balls? - Yes.

There they are, my little chickadees!

So you're in?

The pride of the Nation.

Let's hide our pride in your cellar.

Speaking of cellars, I brought you a gift.

Your worst plonk.

What can I say, Leon? It's wartime!

Hands off!

At least someone's seeing us off.

Be glad you're going together.

Never forget: "Friendship is a diamond.

"Polish it and it will shine.

"But break it and it will die."

Thanks, Michel.

Where's my Leon?

Someone else cares--

Hurry up! There's a war to fight!

Don't forget me, Leon!

We got no corkscrew!

Michel, we got no corkscrew!

Never forget:

"Brotherhood is like a sparrow--"

- Screw that! - We don't wanna go!

Pichon...

I'm Sergeant Pichon.

This Company will march straight.

We are the pride of France.

And believe me,

we will win this war.

Any questions?

Sergeant,

my colleague and I see room for a few improvements.

The food.

What's with the wood croutons in the soup?

We're meat eaters.

We like mustard with our meat.

And the latrines.

If you can call them that.

Shitholes are what they are.

Doors would be nice.

I can't concentrate either.

Right. See?

And that's not all.

We've found our company clowns.

What'll they do?

Put on shows?

Tap-dancing?

That's it, tap-dancing!

Like this! Let's kick up our heels!

Sergeant Pichon!

What? Sorry, Captain. I didn't see you.

It's ok, son.

Is your name Pichon or Piss-on?

Pichon, sir.

Everyone makes that mistake.

Go on, continue.

Right!

KP duty for our two stars!

To whip you into shape.

Listen up.

This here?

Shave it off.

So, fellas,

what's for dinner tonight?

Don't tell me!

Surprise!

Whatever we're eating, it's rank.

Look alive, you wet rags!

Mome!

Pion!

Coudray!

Give it to him.

What about us, sir?

I have two letters for you.

- Really? - No.

I was wondering...

How much for a torrid night with Pichon,

if you could go home the next day?

50 francs.

- No, I'd do it for free! - Yeah!

Me too.

How much to mutilate yourself?

If you're injured, I hear they send you home.

I mutilate you, you mutilate me.

- Careful! - Your hand's right there.

So do it.

Wait...

If I mutilate you, how will you mutilate me?

What?

I wanna go home, too.

- Mutilate me first. - You mutilate me.

- You mutilate me. - You mutilate me!

- You mutilate me! - Mutilate yourself!

- Fine, I will. - Great.

- Watch. - You'll get hurt.

Just you wait.

I gotta see this. Go on.

- Here I go. - Go on.

You're distracting me.

- C'mon! - I'm not ready.

Gimme, I'll mutilate myself!

Go right ahead!

I'll mutilate myself!

Go on, Leon!

You're right, I'll do you first.

What? Let's do each other!

Impossible. Max!

Shit!

Who'd we mutilate?

I don't know who did this.

But I have a hunch.

I'm suspending everyone's leave for the next few days!

Your turn!

Do an impression!

An easy one.

An animal?

An ostrich! A weasel!

A rabbit!

An otter!

Is he famous?

Marlene Dietrich!

It's a job.

It's not an animal.

Blacksmith farrier!

Noodles!

C'mon, it's Hitler!

Bad impression.

Another impression!

- Captain Lassard! - Bingo!

"I'm upset, better watch out.

"When I'm upset,

"that means trouble for you."

Who am I?

- Pichon? - Yeah! Too easy.

Are you kidding me? You guess that right off?

I was like this!

I'm an actor, I'm Cary Grant!

What's that got to do with anything?

What's that got to do with anything?

Why are you dressed like that? Spare us your boozing.

Sorry, I found it very revealing.

Helps me understand the characters, their motivations.

Did you meet my cousin Thierry in Charleville-Mézières?

No.

What a shame.

Are you done, can we continue?

- Tell me. - It's my cousin.

Enough.

When we get home...

Home...

Remember little Yvette?

Little Yvette...

I'll be calling on little Yvette.

Little Yvette's a bad bet.

Yeah, she's a bad bet.

I'll call on someone else.

Did you fart?

Nope, wasn't me.

Shit!

Alert! Man your stations!

- Alert! - The Germans are attacking!

No kidding! Where've you been?

- Radio? - Yes, Captain?

Any orders?

No, but I've been told 20 divisions are headed straight for us.

20 divisions!

- How many soldiers is that? - A lot!

They came through Belgium, Luxembourg and Holland.

We're surrounded.

We're sitting ducks here,

and they can't give us a damn order!

Captain...

What do we do?

Take off.

Great idea, Captain!

Stay put!

Desert, Captain? I hope you don't mean it!

It's an order, Pichon.

We're giving up.

Hey, ho! Let's go!

This is unacceptable!

An utter disgrace!

I will not condemn--

You ok?

Get in line, men! Take your positions!

You heard the Captain. We'll be massacred!

They're 200 meters away.

I'm running this company now.

And I say we stay.

Desert at your peril.

Get back here!

Deserters!

Damn this war!

Shit!

Damn these friggin' Krauts to hell and back!

I've been shot!

It's just a kid.

Scram, kid.

What're you doing?

Why aren't you at the Front?

Why're you and your brat still here?

- Krauts are everywhere. - We're not afraid.

Back in '14,

we held our ground. We weren't scaredy-cats!

We'll never win this fucking war with guys like you!

In '14 they were brave, but they died.

We don't want our names on a monument!

For chrissakes, hide us!

For chrissakes!

Go on, hide.

Some French army!

French soldiers?

Do I look like a soldier?

Geez, Max!

What was that?

The cat and dog. They can't come out.

They'll poop everywhere.

Hands up!

Put on their uniforms.

Otherwise you'll be caught.

She just wasted two Germans.

We're at war!

- Just our size! - He died in it.

Don't get caught.

We'll be careful.

I don't care about you. It's for France.

It'd look bad.

Bye, cutie.

Thanks. Off we go.

Off you go!

Off we go!

After you.

It's not looking good.

Look, look! Those two!

- We gotta help. - We can't.

Those are our men!

Let's go, Max.

I'll drive.

Oh, shit...

It's ok. We'll follow them,

then veer off to Mâcon.

Hello.

Thanks.

We're in deep shit.

Sure this is right?

Yeah, we're going south!

No, this way.

Dare me to do a wheelie?

- Careful, Leon! - Relax.

There they are! Turn around!

I'm doing my best!

We're back at the Front!

I was just checking!

Let me drive!

No!

Enough detours already!

You can drive, but be careful.

At least we're seeing France.

Max!

I knew I shouldn't let you drive. It's kaput!

It's just overheated.

If you gave good directions we wouldn't be lost!

We're not lost. We're right near Mâcon!

Just overheated?

Right near Mâcon? It's the sea!

So? We've never seen it. Now's our chance!

We'll see it next time!

We gotta find civilian clothes. We can't get caught like this.

I'd love a little tipple.

Droppen your trousers!

Schnell! Achtung!

Entschuldigung! Schwarzwald!

Shut uppen!

Men, surrender your weapons. We're outnumbered.

No heroics. They're taking us prisoner.

- Right? - Ja, ja!

- Soldiers, do what he said. - No!

We must set the example, Beaulieu.

Want our trousers, gentlemen?

Very well.

Your trousers, Beaulieu.

- What? - Your trousers!

He asked the soldiers.

Beaulieu, drop your trousers.

- I will not. - Drop your trousers!

For chrissakes.

My underwear's no good.

Don't we need the soldiers' clothes?

If we get caught as officers, we're toast.

I can't help it if he wants to get naked!

What the hell is he doing?

You ok, Beaulieu?

For France!

Perfect. Just our size again. And classy!

Yeah, but we gotta find civilian clothes.

Captain Beaulieu, Captain Poulain?

Yes?

The Germans are coming. The boat's ready.

- Hang on. - What boat?

And watch your tone. We're captains.

No, here.

See, we're captains.

We have no use for a boat.

Where's this boat?

Follow me.

We're in deep shit!

I feel very comfortable.

Quite a story.

So you went to England?

What was that?

It means yes!

It's English.

London...

I know it well.

1936.

Barnaby Street.

I was out strolling with a swell kid...

- Excuse us. - Yes?

If you don't mind, we'd like to finish our story.

And we know yours.

I've told it before?

Yes.

So...

Our two SS friends claim they went to London as officers

without being detected.

Think it's funny?

No.

LONDON

Bravo, gentlemen! Bravo!

Enough now.

Enough.

You're very brave. Men, take note.

Captains Beaulieu and Poulain

are a two-man commando.

Enemy communications, scrambled! Ten panzers...

destroyed.

And you made it to London.

Colonel, we have to tell you.

Actually...

It was twelve panzers.

- Twelve? - Yeah, a dozen.

Almost thirteen, but...

thirteen's unlucky.

Captain, I believe you're mistaken.

If only my men were like you. Those deserters...

I'd gun them all down!

One by one.

Captain, I believe you're mistaken. We got fifteen panzers.

Then we ran into fuse trouble.

Fuse trouble?

You blew up tanks with fuses?

What type of fuses?

- Number four fuses. - Four and a half.

Five.

Four, four and a half, five... Depending.

For a good explosion, five.

You know, some explosives explode...

Others don't.

I get it!

Just like home!

What do we do?

We said we'd confess!

We'll give you a room. Then drink to celebrate!

We'll confess tomorrow.

C'mon, let's ride!

- Your room, Captains. - Thank you, soldier.

So...

Oh wow!

I propose

we sleep here tonight, hit a few bars, then scram.

Are you kidding?

Look at these digs.

We did a year at the Front. We deserve a rest.

What's he want now?

Yes?

Hello, Captain Beaulieu.

- Hello. - Who is it?

I'm Alice Marchal.

Like the Colonel?

I'm his daughter. I assist him.

So you have the same name.

The Colonel wants you to teach the new recruits your techniques.

Happy to oblige.

I also give private lessons in hand-to-hand combat.

You wouldn't be up to the task.

I'm advanced.

See you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

She wants me.

Hurt yourself?

Excellent.

Seriously.

That was La Marseillaise.

Recruits, first lesson.

Firearms.

First rule: Use the safety catch.

Never forget.

Alice Marchal, kiddo, you go first.

Show us your stuff so we can all have a good laugh.

Exactly what not to do.

No more bullets.

What if you're ambushed?

Well done.

What if he has a helmet?

What if there's two?

She doesn't like us.

She's just playing hard to get.

In three days, she'll be in my bed.

In a week we'll be home.

Why invent such a thing

just to broadcast this nonsense?

It'll never work. People aren't so dumb.

- Can you change it? - Change?

Change.

Wow.

Here's Alice.

Alice Marchal!

Captain Beaulieu.

Take a hike.

What's wrong with you?

I thought we were being bombed, but it's ok. All is well!

Don't be ridiculous!

What's the problem?

Is there someone else? Colonel Marchal?

I knew it.

He's my father.

Leave me alone once and for all.

Your loss.

You're not my type!

I get it.

- For a kiss, men send flowers. - Want flowers?

I hate flowers.

To make love, men take you to dinner.

What?

Want to have dinner?

Not on your life.

Tomorrow night. After dinner.

After dinner?

I gotta eat alone?

Put out some salami.

Thirsty people drink more.

We'll do that in our bar, Leon and I.

Beaulieu and I.

What's with you?

I'm fed up.

I wanna go home.

To Mâcon.

We're on the right side now.

We're FFL, Free French.

Free being the key word.

But we're not FFL.

We're not FF...

C'mon, can't we kid around?

Do some jumping jacks, soldiers!

Yes, Captain!

Good.

Wanna get us thrown in jail?

I know what you need.

Look alive!

Mâcon is our town

We go to the town ball

Michel hits us up

So we can get it up!

Michel... hits us up!

"The cow jumps over the moon."

Who wants to see my moon?

'Evening, General.

We're sending messages.

Good job, keep it up.

"English ladies' bellies overflow.

"They're barrels." I repeat.

English ladies' bellies overflow. They're barrels.

Bellies overflowing...

Rivers.

We blow up the bridges.

That's my take, too.

We're gonna win this war.

We're gonna win.

You wanted to see us, Kernel?

Yes, gentlemen.

I just spoke to General de Gaulle.

He told me what you did last night.

Taking initiatives?

Broadcasting orders?

Just a few messages.

Nice work.

He's very impressed with you.

The General wants to create a new unit.

The COIAESPTUS.

The Central Office of Information, Action, Espionage, Sabotage,

Propaganda, Territory and Underground Surveillance.

- That's a bit long. - Yes, it is.

I told the General.

It's a working title.

We'll probably shorten it to COITUS.

The General wants it to be an elite unit.

The first mission is yours.

He's sending you to Syria.

We're not really that good at...

Syria, the country?

Affirmative.

It's a mess.

They're supplying the Germans and must be stopped.

No shit.

Your mission is to locate the Vichy positions before we arrive.

Code name: Operation Desert Ear.

You're our ears.

In the desert.

Brilliant, right?

Or Periscope.

Just a working title.

We'll figure it out later.

Yeah, later.

You leave today.

Good news, eh? You men of action

must be bored.

Right. Let's ride!

It'll be business as usual in the Syrian desert.

My friend Bilal will be there to meet you.

He organized Operation Gazelle Horns.

Horns because they're scary.

And gazelle because...

you'll have to run fast!

Ok. How do I open this?

Gotta pull!

Here's your cover.

You're businessmen. Be careful.

Especially you, Poulain!

My daughter has a crush on you.

Hurry back, Beaulieu!

Imagining your tanned torso makes me moist.

Like your little note,

Mister Free French?

Might as well be spies, too!

You'll never see her again. We're gonna die.

Wow, what gams!

Robert?

No, we never met a Robert in Syria.

He's in Lebanon.

It's right nearby.

Robert's in Lebanon now?

Are you two through?

This isn't about your cousin and the savages.

The savages?

How dare you sully that beautiful land?

Where the hell are we?

Thanks a lot, Leon.

We're in deep shit.

Beautiful, huh?

Big.

Boiling hot.

This place is a hellhole!

I'm hot and sticky. It's horrible!

I like it.

But I do have olive skin.

Must we take camels?

I don't trust these things.

Are they camels or dromedaries?

How would I know?

Mr. Bilal!

What's the difference between a camel and a dromedary?

Camel has two syllables, so two humps.

So a dromedary has four humps?

Those jokers are brilliant spies?

According to Colonel Marchal, yes.

Mr. Bilal, can't we take a car? Don't you have cars here?

C'mon, Max, stop complaining!

I hope you're kidding.

That little desert rose

keeps checking you out.

- Really? - Yeah.

Two more colonizers is what they are.

She's talking about you.

- You think? - Sure.

How will you infiltrate?

We'll need a list of all the bars in Damascus.

Bsahtek. And you'll start by...?

- Knockin' one back! - Espionage!

Don't worry, miss.

We're on the case!

What's it doing?

Stop shouting, it spooks them!

He's goin' down!

What's going on?

Mr. Bilal! Why's he going this way?

Mine's following yours!

DAMASCUS

Good evening.

Bsahtek atmosphere!

See that?

I used a local word so we seem local.

Espionage.

We blend right in.

And we're chic in these shorts.

Proves we're businessmen.

I'm kinda hot though.

Yeah, kinda hot.

- 'Evening. - 'Evening!

Would you happen to have a white wine...

A Mâcon-Villages. Chilled, crisp.

Nice and round.

It's Ramadan here.

Two ramadans, then!

How nice to hear about Mâcon here.

That's where we're from.

We're neighbors, I'm from Vichy.

Célestin.

'Evening.

You work for the government?

Actually yes, but since I'm from Vichy

it's confusing.

Let's just say I'm in business.

How funny. We're here...

on business, too.

Really?

What do you do?

We're opening a bar.

That's right.

French specialties,

wine, salami,

pickles.

Salami?

In a country where 95% of the population is Muslim?

Think it'll work?

Mind you, many bend the rules.

You're bending the rules, Ali!

They're all the same!

Nice uniforms.

Let's talk in the private room.

- Perfect. - Espionage.

Shukran.

I use their words, it's nice for them.

Have a seat.

So, kids!

I'm in oil!

Cheap labor, nobody complains!

Where's our order?

Petain? Nice guy.

They're so slow.

I respect their customs.

I'm polygamous!

We teach them so much.

Before I go, I'll introduce you to the High Commissioner of the East.

- You're leaving? - What a shame.

Brits, Free French... This place is teeming with spies.

I'm clearing out.

This very morning,

a British spy attempted an attack with a fake beard.

I don't know whom to trust anymore.

Why? Because beards means bombs.

Simple logic.

Are those pedal pushers?

How much for a month with him in a tent with no way out?

Bye-bye, my salami salesgirls!

100,000.

Outta my way, nomad!

You had your drinks. Can we start?

We've already started, pal.

We're seeing the High Commissioner, in the East.

- Of the East? - Yeah.

Let's get a drink.

They never brought us our ramadans!

What about your friend?

Colonel!

Two escapees from a German prison wish to speak to you.

I never get to practise my irregular verbs.

Those bastards.

They fooled me good.

Deserters, on top of it.

Firing squad!

Firing squad for them.

Four-eyes was practically my son-in-law.

They're very crafty.

- We didn't see it coming. - Indeed.

They made us drop our trousers.

Like this.

That's exactly how it happened.

They're clearly professionals.

Masters of deception and disguise.

So?

Nice!

Suits you.

I'll take one home.

They'll love 'em back home.

I'll get the whole outfit.

He can't be serious.

She loves it.

What'd I tell you?

Is this good? What is it?

Hash.

Corned beef hash?

No, it's sweet.

We'll take two.

Alert stop two imposters stop

Bastards stop Keep them till we arrive stop

Colonel Marchal stop Ratatatat! End of message

You're under arrest for treason.

Dirty traitors!

Stay out of it.

What'll you do to them?

What we do to spies.

Twice over, since they're wogs.

Right, Gilles?

Keep your traps shut.

Go home or we'll do you, too.

Let's go.

How the heck does the genie get in there?

Wait, I'll ask him.

Genie?

Genie?

German soldiers!

Run!

Alice...

I'm not Alice.

Who are you?

Wake up, c'mon!

Get up!

Bilal, got any food?

I'm starving!

I lost my djellaba. Do you have it?

Here.

Read this.

Two impostors stop

Bastards stop Ratatatat...

The Colonel's not happy.

Alice!

Oh shit!

Can your friend Célestin hide you?

No!

Our friend Bilal can.

Gimme a hug!

Hands off!

Nice little country you've got. I predict a great future.

Inch'allah.

Germans are coming.

We're on it.

We've got the right papers.

C'mon, let's go.

My desert star...

We've been through so much together.

What's your name?

Dominique.

Halt! Show your IDs.

Gentlemen,

we're opening a business.

A wine bar.

Serving salami.

Here.

Quick bites.

Gonna be bsahtek!

- Huh? - What?

Our Free French IDs.

We're back. Some joke.

Crazy they send colonial prisoners here.

Crazy, is it?

At least we feel at home.

I expected prison to be worse.

Hey, Curly! Want some lovin' tonight?

Next!

Hey, fellas!

How've you been?

Well, well!

Back to square one, are we, boys?

So he's here, too.

Got buggered, did we, boys?

Everyone gets a turn.

You'll regret that.

Careful, that scumbag hobnobs with the Huns.

But the war's over now.

Maybe they'll let us go home.

Sorry, guys, no mail for you.

- How much to-- - Nothing.

Shut up, don't speak.

Just trying to pass the time.

You're making it longer.

You bug me, Max.

We should be in London.

You had to trip up and get us sent here.

Excuse me?

Who got us sent to Syria?

Just to impress some girl!

I'm not your fool, Leon.

We should be in our bar in Mâcon.

Except you think with your willy.

Excuse me?

What about your desert star?

Her name is Dominique!

I never put us at risk.

You constantly put us at risk.

And you can't even play a dog!

What the heck?

Why do you always fall?

Why do you always get punched, screw up?

You're a jinx.

You are a jinx!

And you make us look dumb.

You make us look dumb, brainless!

I retract my comment.

Even your willy doesn't think!

You never heard of the Verdun Armistice!

I don't follow football!

I'm gonna break your face.

Go right ahead!

- C'mon! - Brawn over brains!

- Max, c'mon! - Do your worst!

Having a little tiff?

Close your shit trap, you big lug!

I'm Lieutenant Von Krauss's Oberleutnant now!

That's sergeant.

In German!

Don't you know?

The Germans are sending French prisoners to Germany.

There's a list. I'd check it if I were you.

See if you won the lottery.

Maybe your names are on it.

I think they got it.

We've all been separated.

Great. Perfect.

I won't have to put up with your mug anymore.

I'm gonna escape.

Is that so?

Maybe I will, too.

You'll twist your ankle on the first ditch.

At least I won't get lost!

I know my geography!

- Let's escape together! - Yeah!

But how?

Can you let us out?

- So? - He won't.

That's no help.

Let me ask.

Will you-- He's gone.

- What do we do? - Dunno.

- I know! Come. - What?

- Follow me. - What?

Do like me!

Do like me!

Don't send us to Germany

We're Frenchies!

Trust us on this

We'll make a big mess

We're Frenchies!

We're lazy, we complain

We're not very clean!

Unions and strikes

Don't appeal to the Reich!

We never win the Olympics!

- Shall I shoot? - No, it's good.

- Selfish! - Exhibitionist!

Get lost!

We're Frenchies!

Colonialists and racists...

That we like!

True, you do

When we're abroad, beware!

We're even worse!

We'll steal your girls

Even the fat Bavarian wenches

Trust us on this

We're Frenchies!

Let's call a truce

We just made some hooch!

Let's make peace

with music!

Bravo!

Wonderful!

Goddammit!

Stop playing us for fools and tell us the truth.

- He wanted details! - Shut up!

Since they liked our dance moves,

the punishment was light: laundry duty.

The colonized guys hid uniforms in their prayer rugs for us.

But Mamadou wanted to join us.

His name was Boubacar.

No, there was no Boubacar.

No Boubacar?

So what was his name?

Abdou, Abdou!

Abdou wanted to join us.

I can play a Nazi.

Ich bin Abdou.

Bad idea.

Off we went in disguise.

But Abdou followed us.

Ich bin Abdou!

Hey, stop!

Shut the gates!

Alert!

They shouted, we bolted, it was bonkers.

We burst free in German uniforms.

I preferred the slower pace. The plot's hard to follow now.

Make up your minds.

Fellas... Comin' to Switzerland with us?

No.

We're going home to Mâcon.

You're always welcome at our place.

You live together?

Yeah.

We're brothers.

Hugs.

Take care.

Get going!

We need to change again.

C'mon!

Madam!

The lady moved out?

Who the heck are you?

Where's your clothes?

Are you Jews?

No.

You're not, but he is.

I can spot 'em. Curly hair, schnozz.

- You're Jewish? - No.

Not related to the lady?

No.

Then help yourselves!

Where is the lady?

I turned her in.

But those idiots botched the job.

Come see.

Look. They're coming for her in an hour.

She was hiding in an armoire.

It did seem awfully heavy!

Good heavens!

Thank God you're here, Father!

Anything left to steal?

So you're Jewish?

Must you be?

Couldn't you pick something else, like French?

I found a vehicle. I suggest we hightail it.

She's coming?

We'll be caught for sure.

A priest, a railroader and a Jew? Sounds like a joke!

Maybe she's not Jewish.

- What's your name? - Sarah.

Shit.

Got any non-Jewish family?

An uncle?

An aunt?

A cousin?

They're all Jewish.

What a surprise!

We can't leave her.

Look at her! She's all alone!

She's weak.

Defenseless.

You're taking care of her.

- C'mon, Sarah, let's go. - No!

She wants to stay.

Leave it to me.

Let's play a game.

Shut her up!

People can see us!

What do I do?

C'mon.

Where's your wheels?

Nice!

This is the life, eh?

I gotta go pee-pee!

She needs to pee.

It's too risky to stop.

And at this speed...

I swallowed it.

Are you done, kid?

Don't look.

Hurry up.

Don't forget to wipe your...

your...

Fanny?

Bunky?

Tushy?

- Gestapo... - No, not Gestapo!

- The Gestapo! - Now that's...

the Gestapo! Grab her!

- I'm not done! - Yes, you are!

Dang, locked!

- She wasn't finished. - This way!

- Where are we? - Smells like an orphanage.

We must be in a convent or something.

Rodrigo!

Sit still.

See my beautiful tree?

Have no fear, it won't bite

Be a gardener for me

Gather my nectar

Louder!

I love you all!

I'm hungry.

No, no.

- Just a snack. - No!

I'm hungry, too.

Just a loaf of bread. We gotta be more discreet.

These costumes come in handy.

Champagne is a real peacemaker. Lubes us up just right.

The bubbles tickle our insides.

It's so nice.

Gives me a boner.

What's a boner?

- It's in your underwear-- - Play with your doll!

We're close to home.

We'll reach the Free Zone hassle free!

Are you nuts?

Honest to Pete!

Don't shoot, there's a kid!

Don't shoot, we're French! We're not the Gestapo.

So why the clothes?

We're trying to get the kid to the Free Zone.

You just blew our cover.

You're a ballsy pair.

You're with the Resistance, too? NLM?

Northern Liberation Movement?

Must be SLM, then.

That's us! We'd recognize them.

- I thought we were FFI. - We are.

We're all FFI. It includes the SLM, NLM, AS and FTP.

- Isn't FTP the FFL? - No, that's OCM.

OCM is like CDLR, OS and CDLL. They're FFL!

- Same thing. - Right.

No more FFL?

Can we just enter the Free Zone?

We'll introduce you to...

Fox. Our leader.

Fox?

We use animal code names. André here is Squirrel.

- No! - Don't say our real names!

- I'm Weasel. - Get it right.

Same difference.

Try telling a weasel he's a squirrel.

Can we meet Fox?

Sure!

Hang on...

You know Fox?

Must you keep interrupting the story?

If they know Fox, we should release them.

Know my cousin Jean-Eudes? He's OS.

No?

Then don't release them.

Fox has good taste.

Nice wine cellar.

I don't believe it.

Michel!

Idiot! You just revealed my identity!

- So what? Fox is a lame name. - Yeah!

What're you doing here?

Hey, look!

Over there.

Thanks.

- You two adopted a kid? - Pretty modern, right?

Since when have you been a Resistance leader?

For a while now.

I'm in charge of unifying all the regional movements.

On direct orders from London.

Ah, London! We know about their orders.

I can attest to that.

Alice?

You know each other?

What're you doing here? I'm so happy!

I wanted to confess everything, but he wouldn't!

This is between you two!

What is?

You'll be executed for treason.

Both of you!

Treason?

- Poulain and I can explain. - Cut it out!

Better start explaining, I'm lost.

She's right. You'll be executed, boys!

No. Enough of this.

We follow orders but nobody's ever happy.

And that little girl!

She's up half the night.

I'm totally sleep-deprived!

- I've had it. - It's my fault.

Alice, we got close.

You wanted to grow old with me. I hurt you.

I know.

If you want to execute me...

go right ahead.

You bitch!

I never liked you or your bulging biceps!

- What? - Biceps?

Right, settle down. We still need these two.

We're 30 kilometers from home!

I'm cold.

I can't feel my legs.

C'mon, I didn't even hit you.

It's a bad idea, Fox.

Admit they have a gift for fooling people!

Very well.

But one strike and you're out.

Got it?

You gotta help us, boys.

And don't forget:

"He who helps someone--"

Yeah, yeah!

What do we do?

You'll contact a friend of yours in the Vichy government.

- He'll be thrilled. - Not him!

It's my salami salesgirls, Jacqueline!

Hi there, Célestin!

I was so surprised you called.

I figured by now you were millionaires

with 18 wives.

So what's up?

There's plenty of work around here.

I'm in charge of all the police departments.

Are there many?

You bet. We're very safe. We've got the anti-Reds, anti-Jews...

It's high surveillance.

We know everything about everybody.

Important things?

Very important.

We know whether Jacqueline got lucky last night.

Célestin! You naughty man!

But best of all is the name naming.

We get lots of help.

How many letters have we received today naming names?

42.

42!

It's not even 4 pm.

After me.

Hello.

Which yellow for the poster Beware, Mean Jews?

We've narrowed it down to "Baby Chick" and "Indian."

I find "Indian" a bit too saffron.

I'm in charge of propaganda, too. Such a bore.

I like drawing Jews though.

And I'm good at it.

The schnozz should fill the page.

Great idea.

Great idea!

- Augustin... - Eugene.

Eugene.

Make the nose longer.

Thank you.

Get going!

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Nice job.

See? She stays inside the lines.

So we got a job in propaganda.

You know nothing about it.

I love photography. Anything to do with images.

And Max delivers. Businesses, contacts...

Customer service is my specialty.

We have great benefits.

Paid vacations.

Company car.

Which side are you on?

Give us a break. Aren't you glad we infiltrated?

It'll never work.

- It won't? - No.

Wait and see.

What's our mission?

To tell big fat fibs?

We're stellar in that department.

Stellar.

Yeah, stellar.

Off they go

Our sweet occupiers

Our friends the Germans So funny, so reassuring

We've picked our side

Our Friends the Germans

Wonderful, wonderful! What talent!

I love it, my little salami salesgirls!

Right, Liline?

The next poster will be Vichy Colors.

In France's three colors.

Work, family, fatherland.

Blue, white, red.

Vichy colors.

Not bad.

You heard it first!

Not bad, Eugene.

I had an inspiration two weeks ago and just had to tell you!

Got two minutes?

Sorry, we're tailing two terrorists in Meursault.

Should it be one word

or hyphenated?

Or something else, maybe?

Vichy...

It's a gasser, right?

I mean...

Let's go.

Thanks, Fox. You saved us.

Don't thank me.

Thank Keen Eagle and Night Steed.

Keen Eagle and Night Steed?

It's hard to believe,

but they're keeping us one step ahead.

Collaborate, it's great!

HITL'HAIR Root 'em out!

Keen Eagle and Night Steed. Amazing code names!

Ridiculous.

And a total turn-on!

I'm Hedgehog!

I'm Weasel.

Kind of like a fox, but friskier, more--

Can it!

We're gonna win this war.

We're gonna win.

Did you see this?

The Germans have invaded the Free Zone.

They don't mess around.

How much to be a gay Commie Jewish Resistant?

- A lot. - Yeah, a lot.

No problem, we're on the case!

Olivier from the Militia here. That man

had Jewish neighbors.

Luckily, he told us.

He could have been fleeced!

Deport them, Lucien.

Excuse me, sir.

You'll get a hole the size of a two-franc coin here.

Have a nice day!

The Militia Here to help ya!

Idiots abound as it is.

That militia increases their numbers.

It's a little scary, isn't it?

And so are you.

They needed models for a poster this morning.

We're in the background.

- Really? - It was fun.

It made me want to be a model.

You'd be good.

Move it!

We'll take care of you!

Pichon!

Not so clever now, are we?

Move it!

- Pichon! - Who's he?

I suggest we hightail it.

What's the spin for the presentation?

It's already 6 pm in Berlin...

Oh Maréchal, c'mon!

Entering without knocking?

You better have a good excuse.

That weasel Pichon is onto us.

We can't continue.

You're right. You could get us all caught.

Leave.

It's too dangerous now.

We did our job.

We infiltrated, got information.

Wasn't that the goal?

Yes.

It's true. You've grown up.

You've learned that a man's life

is worth more than--

Hey, you Gypsies!

My head's gonna explode!

Keep it down or we'll quit hiding you!

And you, limey!

Put on some trousers.

There's a little girl!

Don't worry! I'm leaving tomorrow.

Leaving tomorrow...

Can you get her to a safe place?

I'll take her to the nuns.

I said a safe place, Michel.

Damn footboard!

Not changing?

Nope.

Helps get past the roadblocks.

Come to Mâcon with me.

I'm not a quitter like you.

What? Excuse me?

I hate Célestin and his Nazi friends, too!

What you're doing is good.

But I don't care.

Get it? I don't care.

You deal with it. I don't wanna die.

The truly brave reveal themselves.

They have nothing to hide.

You're spending too much time with Michel.

Fine. We're a bad match anyway.

Though I'd have howled like a she-wolf all night.

Farewell.

We could always leave tomorrow.

We're going home!

We'll open our bar!

Nice!

- I can't wait. - We'll have to go see...

Of course!

Right away.

First thing!

The town ball, Mâcon...

I can't wait!

Bsahtek atmosphere.

- I love you, Leon. - Me too, Alice.

- Found you, Dad! - Good job, Sarah!

You're the best daddy ever!

Let's play tag!

Let's get a drink.

So that explains the clothes?

Yep.

You're not collaborators?

Nope.

Your story's too long! You should shorten it.

No, it's good this way.

We get a great duo, a strong plot, lots of twists.

Hey, fellas! Heard the news?

One of my Vichy suppliers told me they arrested Michel.

He was in the Resistance.

He called himself Fox!

They got the whole ring.

Won't happen to you.

I'll be damned!

Max and Leon, our good-for-nothings!

Now they're good for Nazis!

Funny, eh?

Good for Nazis!

How'd you survive?

You're such a clumsy oaf.

- You ok? - Yeah.

What'll you do now?

Fight.

- The pressure. - The oppressor.

Right, the oppressor!

To free our beautiful France, which we love!

Which we love!

Because, gentlemen,

the truly brave

do not reveal their hiding places...

Rather, they...

hide in hiding places.

No! They...

- Reveal themselves. - That's it!

We'll give 'em what for!

Who'll attack the Kommandantur with us?

I hope you're chattier than Fox.

We'll be making a fur coat out of him.

- Cuz he's a fox. - Stop explaining everything!

Come with me.

- Why do you do that? - I can't help it.

I'll use a different approach to make you talk.

Seduction.

Ever heard of it?

Where are the salami salesgirls?

They're smarter than you think.

Masters at the art of secrecy,

they blend into the crowd. They're ghosts, chameleons.

They shapeshift and cross all borders.

They're long gone by now.

- I can't reach it. - You're making a ruckus.

- My door's stuck! - Push it!

It does no good!

Shit!

Talk about a smashing entrance!

Two on either side! Hurry!

Schnell, schnell!

You, too! And if you see--

Now, that's a smashing entrance!

Keen Eagle and Night Steed!

Over here, boys!

You stormed in here like Greek gods!

We wanted to come down from the roof...

Where are the prisoners?

They took the old guy and the boss lady.

She's cute. I can see her with Max.

And the little girl?

I didn't see her. She must be downstairs.

Set everyone downstairs free.

I'll go rescue Alice and Michel.

Eugene!

Can't you see Alice with me?

Let's go!

- So? - We've got 'em! Almost.

They'll come for her.

- Find them! - Yes, sir!

Almost, he says!

It's locked! We're screwed.

I don't think so.

What's going on upstairs?

We've come to rescue you.

Sarah... Where's Sarah?

She hid from the militia.

Right. Go get Michel.

Find weapons. Find vehicles.

And you! Put on some trousers.

Hi, Pichy!

Ow, that smarts!

Pichon, you've got a pointy nose!

I'm gonna kill you!

I'm gonna kill you!

Calm down, Pichon!

No!

Yes!

Let go of me!

Oh shit!

- I'm gonna die! - No, you won't.

You'll be fine.

Sorry.

- I gotta tell you something. - Yeah?

From the beginning, at the Front,

I just wanted to be friends.

Cuz when I was a little boy,

everyone made fun of me!

That's why I kept trying to get respect.

I wanted so much to fit in with you guys!

I wanted people to say not just Max and Leon...

but Max, Leon

and Pippoo!

Pippoo!

That's dumb!

I'm gonna kill you!

Don't move. Drop your guns.

Careful, Célestin.

Your hostage taught us to aim like nobody's business.

Go on, Keen Eagle.

Oops, sorry!

Jump on him!

Bite his ankle!

I thought you were with us.

What d'you mean?

We're with nobody!

And everybody!

Don't you realize they'll all eat you alive?

The Commies, the Gypsies, the Jews, the Chinks...

I disagree.

Drink with them and you'll see they're nice.

Granted, some don't drink.

And the Jews...

They stick together, they're grumpy.

They're Jewish, tough luck!

But they throw a good party.

Yeah, like the Gypsies!

So what if they stole my watch?

And the Chinks! They're sweet!

Don't be so ignorant!

- You impress me, pal. - You, too.

What're you on about?

I don't need them and I don't need you.

I'm for the winning team!

Today that's the Nazis. Works for me.

If they start losing, I'll switch.

But you won't be around to see it.

Actually, you're the ones who'll eat us alive...

You broads.

Nice!

How much to be on top?

How much to be on the bottom?

What?

Oh yeah, sorry!

Sorry.

C'mon! The trouserless Brit, Michel, Sarah!

Right! The trouserless Brit, Michel, Sarah!

- Are we safe? - Yeah, yeah.

I've got a plane leaving in an hour 30 kilometers from here.

We won't have time to save the kid!

We won't all fit anyway.

And Fox wouldn't survive the rip.

He needs medical attention now.

Put Michel in the car.

Ok!

Scram, Max!

- Just a quick hug. - You big softy.

If we survive,

I'll let you do what you've never done.

Really?

Even...

As often as you like.

Hot damn!

- Sarah! - I'm in here.

I broke it.

I'll buy you a new one.

C'mon.

How 'bout a doll instead?

No.

Now that I'm a Resistant I need a code name.

I picked one.

Pony.

Ponies are cute, they frolic.

- They have manes. - Good choice.

You can do their hair.

Let's go.

- Like it? - It's great.

- Really? - Yeah, really.

We'll be fine now.

We made it.

Your arm! Sorry.

I forgot.

I...

Later. Afterwards.

Is that you?

- Wow, we're in front. - Yeah.

We're Good, We're Sweet We're Krauts

Look who's here!

You made it!

Let's have a drink!

I'm having fun with the other kids.

The uncles are funny, especially when they drink booze.

When can we play? I've got a new nutcracker.

Kisses and hugs, Sarah

Let me have it. You'll get it wet.

Three minutes!

So, boys! It's payback time!

Can we pick prison instead?

To the Front, soldiers!

It'll be a blast!

15 minutes!

What happened? It was three minutes!

I'm gettin' sprayed here, I can't see a thing!

I'm like a drowned rat!

Sorry!

Hey, four-eyes! If you wanna keep seeing my daughter,

make me proud!

Let's ride!

- He still doesn't know? - No.

Sorry, guys!

We're here.

How much to do this every day?

- Together? - If you like.

Then I'll do it for free.

There's a lot of 'em.

Nice!