Original subtitles

[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[smooth R&B music]

- ♪ I will treat you like... ♪

- Whoo-hoo!

Mushrooms make Imani feel so free.

- [sobbing] Mushrooms make Maddie

feel everything.

- Oh, God, my weave is trying to eat me.

- It's Maddie's divorce party.

You should be having fun!

- Oh, please don't let it get me!

I can't fight!

- Stop eating my friend! Quit it!

- No, please, we gotta call 911.

My heart's beating fast.

I think I'm gon' die.

- Bitch!

[tense music]

I dare you.

[suspenseful music]

- Katy, please, I'm too young for her to die.

- There are drugs everywhere!

I am not going to jail

for felony possession by association.

- Hello, 911?

Oh, hey, it's Eboni.

Hey, listen, how long do drugs last?

'Cause I'm fucked all the way up.

[screams]

- Y'all got me fucked up.

Inviting the 5-0?

- Maybe they'll send stripper firefighters.

[pants]

- [exhales mockingly]

[imitates Imani]

- Oh!

- She said her name was Eboni.

They sending the cops.

- Yeah, they're definitely sending the cops.

I got a white area code.

[dramatic musical sting]

- Mm-hmm.

- [gasps] - Oh, God.

- Eboni.

[all scream]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[dramatic musical sting]

- [gasping]

[knocking on door]

- [whispers] Everybody, mouths shut.

- [gasping]

[door bangs] - [screams]

- Nobody move.

[all screaming]

- Oh, my God!

What is wrong with you?

[vase shatters]

- [panting]

[knife zings]

- Oh, God. Oh, God.

I'm sorry, y'all. Good luck.

- No, no, don't leave me!

- [sighs] God damn it, Maddie!

[ominous music]

[screams] Oh, oh, my God!

Oh! [gasping]

[intense music]

- [whispers] Yes.

- Katy!

- Help! Help us, please!

Somebody, oh, my God!

Please, pull over! Oh!

- ♪ All of the things we do for love ♪

[phone keyboard clacking]

[sobbing] Please, pull over.

She's coming for us--

- Shit.

[ominous music] What the fuck?

Whoa, no, no, no!

[gunshot]

[car horn blaring]

[dramatic musical sting]

[birds chirping]

- [gasps]

[water splashes]

[light, cheery music]

[sighs]

♪ ♪

I'm Katy Campbell,

I'm tough on drugs,

and I want to be your next city councilperson.

♪ ♪

[Megan Thee Stallion's "Hot Girl"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ All the hot girls make it pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Bad bitches with the bag say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪

♪ If he ain't talking 'bout no money ♪

♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪

♪ And if you see a mad ho, tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪

♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho, huh, fuck a broke ho ♪

♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪

♪ All the hot girls make it pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Bad bitches with the bag say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪

♪ If he ain't talking 'bout no money ♪

♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪

♪ And if you see a mad ho, tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪

♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho, huh, fuck a broke ho ♪

♪ Don't get mad, ho, get a bag, ho ♪

♪ Ah ♪

[birds chirping]

- I run hot, but only on one side.

My right armpit, whoo,

it sweats so much more than the left.

- Yeah, that's why I always sit

on your left side at the movies.

- That makes sense. - Wait.

- Okay. - Okay, wait.

Are we playing regulars or triples and doubles?

- I told you I was only playing trips and dubs,

black-on-black violence.

- Oh, chill out.

We are just trying to pass the time,

not kill each other.

- Whatever.

- Yeah, how about next round,

no fancy rules so we don't get confused?

- Oh, that sounds like

a perfectly reasonable compromise...

- Thank you.

- That I refuse to participate in.

- Here she goes, overreacting in a calm demeanor.

- Get your UNO out ass back in the game.

- Yeah, is trips and dubs

really the hill you wanna die on?

- Oh, don't say that phrase. It's racist.

- No, it's not. - It's not.

- Not--not racist. Not racist alert.

The hill you want to die on comes from soldiers--

- Oh, my--okay, let me open your eyes

to the history of Baldwin Hills...

- Ugh. - Okay.

- Also known as the Black Beverly Hills.

- [groans loudly]

- Okay.

The neighborhood was built as the first Olympic Village

to house black and white athletes together.

- Okay.

- So white people saw it as forced integration,

and they were determined to punish

the affluent black residents who settled there

long after the Olympics had gone.

So white engineers built the Baldwin Hills Dam

on an active fault line.

Yes, so it was no surprise then

when a massive crack formed in the dam,

flooding the area with 250 million gallons of water...

- Millions? - Shit.

- Killing five people.

[all gasp] - Are you serious?

- The local news broadcast

the whole disaster from helicopters.

They wanted to make sure the world

saw black people die on those hills.

- [sighs]

- Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Is that true? That can't be true.

- That's so fucked up.

- That's crazy.

- Uno.

- Bitch, with your cheating ass.

I knew it! - [laughs]

- ♪ The real thing ♪

♪ Me and my deuce still bang ♪

♪ Dance and stay one ♪

♪ And, yes, we still hang ♪

♪ I don't be all online ♪

♪ Don't "at" me, boy ♪

♪ Got a couple new whips... ♪

- What ho, fair niggas!

[all cheer]

Yeah, make merry! Go ham!

[dramatic musical sting]

If thou takest pics, tag me on the 'Gram.

Methinks I throweth the hottest parties.

This next dope track goes out to Gang Bardi.

[cheers and boos]

- ♪ Look, my bitches all bad, my niggas all real ♪

♪ I ride on his dick in some big, tall heels ♪

♪ Big, fat checks, big, large bills ♪

[music fades]

[soft piano music]

♪ ♪

[piano music fades, hip-hop rises]

- Forsooth, you mad pretty, sis.

- [giggles]

Thou lookest like Trevante Rhodes.

Oh, shit.

This bird box, I may let you hit.

- Aight. Bet.

- I came to stan my queen and yet

knew not I'd meet my own Offset.

[dramatic musical sting]

- Nay, to stay or should I flee?

The one I love stans Cardi B.

- Rome, dear cuz, has thou lost thine natural mind?

She reps for she who writes not her own rhymes.

- [scoffs]

- Cousin Julissa, what is this treasonous act?

His fave, Onika, simply does not slap.

- House Bardi and Minaj, on this concur:

you got us fucked all the way up.

- Okurrr!

- Cosign me not with that foul sound.

I fight niggas. Don't end up in the ground.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Before y'all bring a bloody end to this bacchanalia,

look, I'll just play

time's greatest female rapper, Iggy Azalea.

[all booing]

All right, boo not. Boo not.

I'll play Nicki. Chill.

[Nicki Minaj's "Chun-Li" playing]

- Rome, Rome, why you gotta be a Barb?

Deny the standom and refuse its name.

- Fret not.

Like Cardi and Offset on and off again

or Nicki and any of her questionable men,

their love shined bright despite attempts at stifling,

so shall we not part because stans are triflin'.

- Less you denounce your fandom,

our family won't work.

For whom, dear Rome, would our children twerk?

In truth, my love, we can never kick it.

I already bought Bardi boncert tickets.

- Without you, I wouldn't even wish to draw breath.

- [sighs]

- So if we can't be together alive, then

let's get it poppin' in death.

- Wait a minute, a suicide pact?

- Something like that.

[angelic music]

♪ ♪

[phone clicking]

- Nay, social suicide!

Rome, I can't believe you did unstan.

I know for this I asked, but that's extreme.

Goddamn!

- And so begins my quick and painful end.

My love, tis true.

If yours is as well,

catch these Ls that I've caught for you.

[gentle music]

- Fuck. I love thee.

Okurrr.

Here I go. [sighs]

♪ ♪

And thus with a kiss, I die, my nigga.

[phone clicking]

- Come on.

- ♪ Box seats, bitch, fuck the gossip ♪

♪ How many of them coulda did it with finesse? ♪

♪ Now everybody like, "She really is the best" ♪

♪ You play checkers ♪

♪ Couldn't beat me playin' chess ♪

♪ Now I'm about to turn around and beat my chest ♪

♪ Bitch, it's King Kong, yes, it's King Kong ♪

♪ Bitch, it's King Kong, this is King Kong ♪

♪ Chinese ink on, Siamese links on ♪

♪ Call me 2 Chainz, name go dingdong ♪

[music echoes]

- It's a beautiful day for baseball,

especially with a bunch of Negroes.

Game's at 3:00, and just in time, too,

'cause a dust bowl's coming at 5:00.

So grab your popcorn,

a sip at a race-appropriate bubbler,

and come on down to the stadium.

[gentle music]

- Oh, there he is,

Satchel Paige, the "woild's" best Negro League "pitcha."

Satchel Paige! - Ah.

A unchaperoned skirt waiting for me after the game?

This never happened before.

Say, what's your name, darlin'?

- Feather Atwood, but I'd rather be on wood.

- Hmm.

- [squeaks]

Oops.

- Oh.

- See somethin' you like?

- I thought I had to buy the cow to see that much hoof.

You, uh, greased up them shin bottoms just for me?

- Oh, I did more than that.

Last night, I dressed up as a waiter

to sneak into your room at the colored hotel,

but you never ordered room service.

I had to serve catfish all night.

- Mm, ugh, you got me all kinds of parched.

I'm as dry as a cracker on a biscuit.

- Ooh, that is dry. - Yeah.

- Better get you a drink.

Right over there.

Uh-huh.

[light instrumental music]

♪ ♪

- Say, what's this?

- Oh, it's a "thoist" trap,

something new we're trying.

- "We"?

- [whistles]

Meet Daffodil Dunham, Chattanooga's finest flower.

- I was Miss Black Chattanooga 1931.

My prize? Butter.

Whoo-hoo!

- And, of course, there's Miss Pearlina Teatree

all the way from Columbus, Ohio.

Pearlina, show the man your magnificent mug.

- Lightning hurts when it strikes.

- Oh, that's one nose you oughta keep in the books.

Say, uh, what's going on over here now, ladies?

- Oh, well, me and my "goils" want you

to take us to New York City, on your dime, of course.

We wanna go to the Cotton Club.

- So you can leave me for Count Basie?

No, not gon' let that happen to me twice.

I can't stand that motherfucker.

- Come on, Daddy.

We don't bite.

- [spits]

Gnawed on another tick.

- Well, I don't bite.

- Mm, uh, baby, baby, listen.

You're the butterfly's boots,

but--but I can't take all ya to New York City with me.

Leave the--the bouquet and the hunk of lead here

to set they own traps.

- I rouged my knees for this?

Feather, you said he was big game.

We shoulda tried for Josh Gibson.

- Oh, Josh Gibson, that crumb bum?

He wouldn't know the Cotton Club

from the Satin Speakeasy.

No, no,

I'll find the scratch.

Come on, ladies, let's go.

- [laughing] Whoo! Whoo!

Oh!

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What do I do if my wife calls the hotel?

- Oh, just don't answer.

- No, no, that'll never work.

Or will it?

[slow jazzy music]

♪ ♪

- As you pass the rotunda,

you'll see the Hall of Hustlery and Scamitude,

featuring beautiful oversized portraits of Pearlina Teatree,

Feather Atwood, and Daffodil Dunham,

who were the first Negro League groupies.

They paved the way for the groupies of today.

As you enter the exhibit, please leave

your checking account number, routing number,

and the last four digits of your Social Security number.

- All I'm saying is,

if your sheets are any color other than white, you dirty.

That's a hill I'll die on all zay.

- I'll be a dirty ho then.

Burgundy sheets for life.

- Okay, you know what, actually, fuck sheets.

People need to stop pronouncing the word "mature" "muh-tour."

- Oh, I'm the people, bitch? Okay.

- Y'all got a lot of rules.

I'm just not that rigid.

- Yes, you are!

What's that thing you have about cakes?

- Lemon does not belong in cake.

That's not a thing. That's a fact.

- No, that's a strong-ass, wrong-ass opinion.

- My whole thing is,

do not call a peach crumble a peach cobbler.

- Okay. - They are different.

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Why are so many of y'alls' rules dessert-based?

- Okay, fine.

If you buy one-ply tissue, you're a terrorist.

- Preach. - Correct.

- And dogs... should not be on furniture.

- Ooh, yes, not on my good couch.

And, and "Living Single"

will always be better than "Friends."

- Duh. - Of course.

- Oh, and all "Glee" songs are better than the original.

- Yes. - Girl, no.

- That's psychotic.

- [slowly] So I shouldn't mention

that I think Britney Spears' "My Prerogative"

is better than Bobby Brown's?

[eerie music]

- You guys broke Quinta.

[spacey hip-hop music]

- But this is the third time

that y'all done canceled my flight.

My man is gonna be so mad if I'm late.

Okay, it's--it's a cat.

I just got a cat.

Well, I bet if it was a white cat,

you would help me!

[phone beeps]

Don't you worry, Tahj Meowry.

I'll find somebody to get me home.

Hmm.

[phone clicking]

[line trilling]

Nope, I don't want you.

[urgent bass-heavy music]

Mm-mm.

♪ ♪

Okay, y'all can keep doing this if you want to

'cause I gots time today.

[phone beeping]

- American Airlines, Lashonda speaking.

How may I help you?

- Oh, my God, sis, finally, some greens!

Girl, I been talking to kale all day.

- I believe it.

There's only two of us,

and Keisha went to go get her hair braided. [giggles]

But don't worry, girl, you got me now.

What's the problem?

- I am stranded, girl, in the airport.

Can't sleep here in the airport.

Done checked my bonnet.

- Oh, no!

Oof, we got to get you home.

- [sighs] - What's your destination?

- Okay, Charlotte. - Oh, ooh.

I'm from Fayetteville.

- Get out!

Girl, I was born there, okay?

My uncle owns Wings and 'Nem Soul Food.

- Mm-mm, Nick?

- Ye--girl, yeah! You know him?

- Girl, that's my uncle.

We cousins, baby. - Yow!

- Yes! Come on, cousin!

- Ah, that's so bomb!

That is so crazy. - I know.

- Oh, my God. - Crazy.

- Whoo! He answers prayers.

Okay, so, cousin... [laughs]

Can you get me home?

- Uh, no. There's no more flights.

I can't help you. [line beeps]

[jazzy bass music]

- I can't believe this.

You didn't know about fabric softener before me.

Your fabrics was mad hard.

- I like a stiff jean.

You see, we're not compatible.

- No, my parents have been married for 40 years,

and they're not compatible.

- Listen, I just feel--

- Ew, I don't want to hear about your feelings.

Gross. - I just need to move on.

- No, no, no, okay, please, please don't do this.

Please don't break up with me because

if you break up with me, it's gonna happen again.

- Denise, it's over. - [sighs]

[Patti LaBelle's "On My Own" playing]

[romantic pop music]

- ♪ So many times, said it was forever... ♪

- Oh, my God.

Patti LaBelle is in your house.

- I know.

- ♪ Said our love would always be true... ♪

- Every time I get dumped,

here comes Patti LaBelle with all her octaves.

- ♪ Something in my heart always knew ♪

♪ I'd be lying here beside you ♪

♪ On my own ♪

- Ooh, "New Attitude" is my leg day song, you hear me?

You are a legend, Patti!

- An annoying legend.

Patti, get out!

- Hey, hey, don't you talk to Miss Patti like that.

What's wrong--

- Denise, you know what you have to do to get me to leave.

♪ So many promises... ♪

- [sighs]

- ♪ Never should be spoken ♪

- Every single breakup my entire life.

I hate this.

- ♪ Now I know what loving you caused ♪

- Can't you just, like, bring me a Patti Pie or something,

like something useful?

- ♪ Now we're up to talking divorce ♪

♪ And we weren't even... ♪

- I'll take a pie.

- Do I look like a caterer to you?

I'm not here selling or giving away free Patti Pies.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- ♪ On my own ♪

- Why don't you try being grateful

that Miss Patti came all this way to cheer you up?

- Okay, first of all,

she didn't exactly go out of her way.

She magicked here.

Secondly, she's ruining my life.

- Where are my background singers?

♪ ♪

- Yep, and then she did that.

both: ♪ But it once was so easy ♪

- Hey, Denise.

- Girl, I like your haircut.

- Thank you.

- ♪ I believe ♪ - ♪ In love ♪

- ♪ In love ♪

- ♪ Now, here... ♪

together: ♪ I stand ♪

- If Patti LaBelle showed up every time I got dumped,

I would try to get dumped.

- ♪ Ooh ♪

- Oh, really?

One time, I got dumped in a fancy restaurant.

She gave a whole fucking concert.

- ♪ And it was excellent ♪

- Leave me alone, Patti LaBelle!

- ♪ On my own ♪ [camera shutter clicks]

- Excuse me. Oh, that was a good one.

- I like him better than the last guy, too skinny.

He looked like a Black & Mild.

- Oh, well, thank you, Miss Patti.

You know, I've been--

- I said I like you better, but I don't like your ass.

Denise, you need to find some real love, sugar.

- Don't you have, like, gigs, like a Legends Ball to attend?

- ♪ On my own ♪

- Miss Patti, please respect my privacy and leave.

- ♪ On my own ♪

- I-I didn't even love him. - Hey!

- ♪ Own ♪

- Goddamn it, your voice is amazing.

Listen, obviously, it's very special that we have this...

- ♪ I've got to find out... ♪ - Connection.

- ♪ Where I belong again ♪ - But I don't need this.

I'm fine.

- ♪ Got to learn to be strong again ♪

♪ I never dreamed... ♪

- I guess it's sad,

but it was time for this to end.

♪ ♪

♪ I have faith that I will shine again ♪

- Yes, you gon' find somebody, baby.

I bet you.

I'll see you soon, boo-boo, hey.

[sings high-pitched note]

♪ ♪

[music fades]

- She never leaves until I break down and sing with her.

- You know, maybe we could try to make--

- Didn't you hear me say I'm on my own?

Get out my house. - I was--

- Nigga, take your shit.

- But I-I had a change of-- - What's wrong with you?

- We did a whole song. Go.

- You-- I'm sorry.

- On my...

♪ On my own ♪

- Prime-time dime time, bitch!

[all cheer]

- Yay, finally. - Quintuple is ahead.

- Yes. - Adorable.

Well, domino.

- Damn it. - God.

Ashley, we were all cheating the entire time

and you still beat us.

- Yes, at UNO, Jenga, and dominoes.

And now it's time for you all

to come get these well-enunciated harmonies.

- Oops, going to sleep.

[birds chirping]

- Uh-oh.

[intense music]

- Uh-oh?

- Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh!

There's a man on our stoop.

- Oh, no, we're about to get catcalled.

- No, we don't know that.

We don't want to be one of those black women

who assumes the worst of black men,

like the rest of the world.

- Only thing I'm assuming is that we bad

and that niggas wanna get at us

not 'cause of who they are, 'cause of who we are.

- Hopefully he won't even notice us.

Oh, no, what if he doesn't notice us?

- Oh. [scoffs]

Niggas is out here not noticing bad bitches

with all this ass?

- Are we bad, or are we just slightly disobedient?

- There's nothing in the schedule

about a dude noticing our ass, okay?

We need to get home, microwave 1 1/2 Hot Pockets,

and watch "Marriage Boot Camp."

- We can do all that later,

but you can't DVR a fine nigga's attention.

[gasps] Let's twerk for him.

- No.

The only thing worse than being catcalled

is an unnoticed twerk.

What happens to a twerk unnoticed?

Does it dry up like a raisin?

- Okay, and with that,

we're moving "find a therapist" to the top of the to-do list.

- Oh, okay, cool.

I just moved up "twerk for a stranger."

- Well, what if we just moved? - Okay--

- We don't like our apartment anyway.

We decorated it weird.

- We are not moving, and we're not twerking!

- [imitating buzzer]

♪ Oh! ♪

- Great, and now we have to pee.

We need to go.

- Fuck it. Krystal, twerk.

- Krystal, pack!

- Krystal, walk but clench.

- Ah! - Well, are we happy now?

We did the most, he didn't even look,

and we still have to pee.

- Psst, psst.

Yo, Ma, I see dat ass.

[spacey musical flourish]

- Oh, well, so now this nigga wanna holla?

Typical man, classic

"he didn't wanna holla, now he wanna holla" move.

- He called us Ma!

Do we look matronly?

- Krystal, look him dead in his eyes and say this.

- We can read any magazine and be told no one wants us.

- You got us so fucked up,

we out here clench-twerk-walking by you.

- When we don't want to get catcalled,

but we also don't want to not get catcalled.

all: We can't win.

- Ma, your skirt caught in your drawers.

You don't feel that?

[dramatic musical flourish]

[tense pulsing music]

♪ ♪

[spacey upbeat hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

- [blowing]

[wheezing]

[laughter]

- She's really like, "Your breath is strong."

- What do I do if my wife calls the hotel?

- Just don't answer.

[airplane droning] - Let's hold for this, uh...

- Oh, you got a plane?

[airplane drones louder]

This nigga's got a plane.

[laughter] - I've got a plane, yeah.

- I was Miss Black Chattanooga 1931.

My prize? Popcorn.

I was Miss Black Chattanooga 1931.

My prize? Soap.

Feather, you said he was big game.

[scoffs]

- What's wrong, Daffodil?

- I ate my tooth.

- I fought lightning, but lightning won.

[laughter]

[upbeat hip-hop music]

- I'm doing a hurt twerk. [laughs]

- What ho, fair niggas!

Go merry! Make ham!

Nope. [laughter]

[bright tone]

I hate when I accidentally turn people on.

I was just wearing a Bluetooth once,

and this man tripped over the curb trying to stare at me.

What else did you have on?

-Booty shorts. -Okay.

♪ (HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

ATTENDANT: Are you willing and able to assist

-in case of an emergency? -Bet.

-I just need a verbal yes. -No doubt.

Let me ask you this: Do we get to exit first,

and do I get to take my homegirl with me?

Oh!

What's that burn on your forehead?

What's with all the questions, Daisy?

You're doing your own hair.

You can't afford the salon anymore.

Okay, that is enough!

♪ Diamonds on my pinky On my wrist and on my chain ♪

Lord, it's me, your child, Butterfly,

and I would just like to pray for this food.

(SINGING) ♪ I'm prayin'! ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪