Original subtitles

- Don't be a fag. - I won't. Fuck off.

- Alright. Come on. - Okay.

- You're not moving. - Well, neither are you.

Jesus Christ, man up, would you?

I'm closer to you than you are to me.

How the fuck does that work?

Because, I'm doing some moving. You're not...

You're an idiot.

- You're an idiot. - Shut up.

- Don't be a pussy. - I'm... I got it.

- Okay. - Yep.

- Oops. - It's alright. - Sorry.

This has been good.

I like that we can go out for dinner and a few drinks and...

- It was, um... - Civilized.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- It was great seeing you. - You too. Bye.

- You... - Thank you.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Good night. - Good night.

Get in safely.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Hi. - Hi.

Do you want to come up?

No.

It's not you, you're beautiful. It's late.

I assump the ladies at work have warned you against me.

They probably say that I'm a bit of a...

I've got a history with the women...

and I think that it would be better for us both

if you got to know me better. The real me.

- How old are you? 24? 25? - 23.

Bloody hell. I'm 31 years old. Do you know what that means?

It means I can't be running around fucking all these girls.

I don't even speak to them ever again. That's rude. It's immature.

It's fucking embarrassing.

After a point you want this to be about more than just getting off.

Do you know what I mean?

So I'm going to go.

I'm going to ask you if I can call you later.

I'm going to walk you up to your door.

Oh, baby, you are so hot.

Oh, I love you so much.

How did I ever get a girl like you? My God!

This's been out for 4 days. It's starting to reek like milk.

I don't want to be a dick here, but stop living like a fuckin' pig.

How many times do I have to ask you over and over?

And, what is with the shoes?

Look at... Pick up your fuck... Look at these shoes!

These can't be all your shoes, man.

Whose shoes are these, Dave?

I've told him 4000 times! I'm not trying to be a dick here.

Oh my God. You are so hot.

You think she's hot, right?

Let's go to our room.

First, I'm gonna go to the kitchen for some cookie dough.

- We're going to have fun with some cookie dough? - I am.

- What are you going to do? - I'm going to eat it.

What are you doing home? Why don't you have a hot date?

What are you doing home tonight? You don't work tomorrow.

Why don't you go out?

You can't hole yourself up like...

Anne Benet Ramsay, waiting for the Germans to leave.

I mean, come on, it's Friday night!

You're young, for Christ's sake. Do you hear me?

At least, go out and bang some whores! It's Friday night!

"Hello? Who dis? The party? Where you at? Oh yeah!"

It's Tuesday.

Dave.

Dave!

So Inez looked pretty good tonight, eh? Pretty hot.

Pretty nice and hot.

So, I was thinking...

do you want to come into my room?

With us?

Alright.

- Dude! - How'd it go? - Still going.

Hey, Ken?

- Will you do me a favour? - What? - Don't look in the medicine cabinet!

I'm not one of those girls who never eats, I swear.

Normally, my fridge is stocked,

but I drunk the other night and I lost my tips somewhere, so...

I couldn't go shopping.

I really hope that you don't think I'm retarded or a weirdo...

...but all I have is wine coolers.

- Teeth whitener? - Excuse me?

Teeth whitener. Is that what it is?

- In your medicine cabinet. - My teeth are too white? - No, I...

Oh, and there's a bra in my living room too,

so you probably think I'm a big slob.

My teeth are white

because when I was a kid I used to sleep under special lamps.

- What? - I was scared so my parents bought me special lamps...

...to help me sleep. But they just ended up making my teeth really white.

Really?

"Berrycuda." It's good.

Quenchy.

- So when you say "lamps"... - Oh, alright, I'm lying.

That was a crazy lie. I don't know why I said that.

I'm just not used to having guys up here on first dates...

Listen, listen.

I've poked around medicine cabinets while pretending to take a piss.

Whatever you've got in yours isn't going to make me leave.

- You think I'm a slob, don't you? You can tell me. - No, I...

Yeah. I think you're a slob. But who fucking cares? I mean, really.

That's not why I'm here, is it? Maybe 'cause I like you.

And I don't care how messy you are.

Or that apparently the nanny from Muppet Babies has been over.

Relax. I'm going to stop pushing for info.

You're going to chill out and stop worrying about what I think.

We're going to laugh, talk and drink. How does that sound?

- Yeah. - Good.

- There's one more problem. - What's that?

- I don't want to drink this. - Neither do I. It tastes like shit.

Come here.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Doesn't matter.

- I think I'm drunk. You? - Maybe we waited too long.

Maybe we should have another shot.

Ah, I'm just worried about... Do you think this is a smart?

Alright, Gaylord,

I understand, but listen up 'cause I ain't saying this twice.

I am not keen on getting back out into the dating scene

since we both know every guy I've ever met has cheated on me.

- Except for me because we never actually... - Shut up.

If I don't get some action I'm just going to end up

falling for some dickhead and be right back where I started.

Plus, the only man I can currently stand to look at is you.

Who has been hung up on some bitch who dumped you...

Don't call her a bitch.

Who dumped you 7 months ago and treated you like shit for 6 years.

- 6 years and 4 months. - You need to get laid!

- Okay, yes. Very, very badly. - Yes, I get it.

And instead of worrying,

just focus on the fact that your balls need emptying. Immediately.

And that's it. That's all you think about because that's all this is.

- I don't want to jeopardize anything. - Look. Sometimes it's meaningful.

Sometimes it's caressing faces and fingers intertwined...

and whispering little secrets in ears.

And sometimes a fuck is just a fuck.

It's grinding your shit, emptying your balls and falling asleep.

And that's what we are going to do to because that's what friends are for.

So stop fucking up the game plan, down that shot,

and I am going to blow you.

You're going to...?

You ready for this? Trim that shit up like we talked it about?

- Uh, yeah. - High five.

Nice.

I got so many bottles of wine when I got promoted.

I was talking about the place.

Oh. Yeah. Right. This came with the promotion as well.

The wine is great, too.

I'm surprised, actually, because you hate wine.

I like it now.

Jasmine is going to kill me.

- Why? - She's just being over-protective.

- I didn't tell anyone. - No?

I figured they would tell me it was a bad idea or...

or get excited that we were getting back together.

Or something.

So, are you still see...?

- Sorry. - No. Go ahead.

Just... small talk. Nothing.

This is stupid.

See? This doesn't have to be weird.

I honestly, I just kind of figured

that we'd get a little horny but then do the mature thing

- and go our separate ways. - I know. So did I.

No, you didn't. Look at the top you're wearing.

Look at this outfit.

- Cleavage. I see it. - It's right there.

That's my point exactly. See? That top is specifically designed

to get guys like me back to your place.

- Guys like you? What does that mean? - Gentlemen who enjoy boobs.

No. You're wrong there.

This top is designed to make guys like you wish that

you could come home with me.

- I see now. - Catching up?

You wanted to fill me with regret.

Regret is good.

And no intention of bringing me back to your place.

- Nope. None. - I feel like a rube.

It's been great seeing you. Give my love to Jasmine.

- Say hi to your mom for me. - I will.

Don't go anywhere.

- Andrew? - What?

What's this? But it's your birthday.

I know. It just felt weird hogging all the attention. I love you, baby.

- You're the best. - I am pretty good.

Happy birthday.

Good night, babe.

- Abby. - Andrew.

- Abby? - Andrew?

I don't know if I'm feeling up to it tonight?

Is that a question?

No. I'm saying I'm tired.

Honey, it's just that work's been really brutal lately.

And I don't think the prescription's right in my new glasses

'cause they make my eyes all drowsy and stingy.

And we had all that heavy pasta so I'm just not feeling up to it.

When will you be up to it?

Are you looking for the specific date or...?

I mean, can it wait 'til tomorrow or the weekend?

We haven't had sex in three weeks.

- It hasn't been three weeks. - When was the last time?

- Andrew! - Was I supposed to keep track?

No. The answer should always be "last night".

Nobody does it every night.

Malcolm and Beatrice do.

They're chiropractors so you can't believe a word they say.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

- I need orgasms, Andrew. - I know.

Okay, we'll do it.

We'll do it right now. I'm ready. Okay.

I'm looking forward to it.

- Honey? - I thought you were gonna start.

No, I always start. I always have to instigate. You start now.

But you already instigated so I thought that you'd start on me.

No. Because I know your trick.

- You never go down on me first... - Stop saying "you never".

You wait until I go down first

and then you act all super hot and filled with passion...

and conveniently bypassing my turn.

- I don't think that's true. - It is so true!

I can't believe that you're pretending it's not.

- What's wrong with us? - No. I'll do it right now!

You want passion and instigation? Well, I am going for it!

What do you think of that so far?

Okay.

That's good.

- You ready? - Yes.

- Are these new? - Yeah.

They look expensive. I thought we were going to consult on big purchases.

- Andrew... - I'm sorry. Okay.

- So... - Dave, I'm not going to be in the mix, so to speak.

I know we didn't really talk about it. I'm just going to be watching...

Good.

Dave, know that I've always thought you were really cute.

- Yeah. - Okay.

And we don't always get along, and sometimes I fucking hate you,

but we're moving out soon.

And we've always wanted this and now here you are.

- And I think you are really... - She thinks that you are cute.

We love each other so much. I love you baby.

- God, you are so hot. - God, I love you.

You are the hottest thing on earth. My God, how did I ever get you?

We're going to make new friends today.

- There might be one problem. - Is it me?

She's hot, right? You think Inez is hot?

Yeah, she's great. You're great.

There's something that may make you not want to do this...

- Gord. - Huh?

Oh, with that. That's the problem. I knew all about that.

This is going to be great. I'm very exited.

- You knew about... - Are you excited?

- Sorry, how did you know... - You are now, huh?

- Should l... - That'd be good.

Oh my God. This is so hot.

Just get right in there.

This is nice.

It's so amazing. Oh my god.

Are you serious?

- I said, are you serious? - Absolutely.

- Really? - Yeah.

- You're serious. - Yeah.

Jamie, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm sorry.

Were you serious when you said you really liked me.

Yeah. I was.

- I bet you say that to all the girls. - Yeah, I do.

Do you want me to lie to you?

Yeah, I tell other girls I like them but with you I mean it.

Well, how am I supposed to know the difference?

- I respect you enough to put this away. - What? - Respect.

But respect is like the opposite of liking someone.

- Not all the time. - This isn't going like how I thought it would.

Look...

all I'm trying to tell you is that I like you.

That's all I'm trying to do. If we have sex tonight, great.

But if not, if you don't trust me enough yet, it's understandable.

And if that means putting a halt to all this heavy stuff

and going back to conversation, then I'm going to talk with you all night.

Listen! I want to know everything about you.

For instance, what is this?

That is my cuticle massager. You weren't supposed to see that.

Cuticle massager, wow. How's that work?

Ken?

We don't have to talk. I believe you.

Really.

Does this mean you don't like my conversation then?

No, I love the way you talk. We can talk after.

Okay.

- Do you think about other people when we're making love? - What?

Sometimes I feel like you're not here.

- I feel like you're somewhere else. - Where else could I be?

I'm sorry. You're right. Go ahead.

Oh, thanks.

Is it because I'm not as neat?

I'm sorry?

Are you not that into it because I'm not as neat down there?

Who said I'm not into it? I'm doing my best.

I only stopped waxing because you stopped going down on me.

I mean I would start doing it again if you did it more.

Do you want to talk about how little I go down on you

or do you want me to go down on you?

Right, sorry.

You never look at me when I'm down here.

- Well what, all four times? - I'm serious.

- Do you think of other people? - No.

Honey it's okay, you can say it. I do it.

- You do? Why would you say that? - Only sometimes. And you do it too.

Yes, I do. Sometimes.

- Who? - Who?

- Yeah, who? - Who do you think of?

- I could not list. - It's not the same person?

No, it's like everybody I'll never have sex with.

Do you think of the same person every time?

You do. Who? Malcolm? Because you think he's a doctor?

- It's not Malcolm. - Well, then who?

lan Ziering. He was Steve Sanders on Beverly Hills 902...

I know who he was.

Are you mad?

- Let's just keep going. - Let's just do...

It'll be good. I'm ready. Let's do it.

- Let's do this. - Yes.

So where do you want to take it from.

I don't know, do you want to start with a kiss or...

I don't know, do you?

- Okay, stop, stop. - What?

- You can't do that. - Can't do what.

- Look at me when you're doing that. - Why not?

Because it makes me freak out.

I thought you said you liked it when...

With other girl it's like: "A hot girl looking up at me."

But with you it's like, "That's Kris with my dick in her mouth."

Let's just skip the blow job.

Let's not get crazy here.

Let's put some music on.

What do you have in this thing? We need something hot and loud.

- Can I just say one more thing... - We need music. 'Kay?

Yeah alright.

We can just fast forward this one. This is...

- You are so very gay. - You're the gay one.

This one's better, right? We can...

- I hate this song. - Why? - It was my song with Dimitri.

- Me and Jessica never had a song. - Well, you're lucky.

I used to think it was nice...

but then he would play it in jukeboxes and request it from wedding DJs.

And I was supposed to get weak in the knees and it was just so dumb.

- Do you have any rap? - Do you see how hot you are?

I think we should leave this on

and then you can pretend I'm him and then slap me around a little.

- Fuck off. - Sorry. Stupid.

- Do you want to talk about it? - That's the one!

- Is this okay that I'm here? - Yeah.

I kind of cut right to the chase. We're good though, right?

I don't want to feel like an asshole tomorrow.

It's okay that you're here.

So you're over me, huh?

- Don't do that! - You're over me, right?

- Yeah, Mia. - Eric, this is just fun, right?

Yes, agreed.

- So we're cool. - Absolutely. Say no more.

Say no more. Hello ladies.

- Stop talking to my breasts. - I'm just being polite.

You'd tell me, right? You know, if you still...

You should just stop talking altogether.

Didn't think that this would happen.

- A thong. You're not wearing this for comfort, lady. - Shut up.

Just grab it, just rip it.

- Just go for it. Just rip it off. - What?

I'm just saying. Grab it and rip it and just take it.

It's already off, though.

Now it's off, but before...

It made sense before when I said it. That's all.

She really likes it when you grab her hair.

I said she really likes it when you grab her hair.

I'm just saying, man, you don't have to be afraid.

No, I'm good.

I'm trying to give you something. When I say something, you should do it...

because I'm here, too. This is for me, too, right?

It's not like fucking in front of the dog.

I'm not trying to be a dick, but I'm just saying...

I'm sorry. I would like this to go smooth and be nice.

So I will be over here.

- I'm just going to grab this. - Yeah. Ah.

Yeah, that's nice. Relax. Do whatever's natural.

- Let it go. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just who's that?

Who's your new friend?

- What, what happened? - I put hairspray on there.

- The perfume was empty. Sorry. - It just tastes so strong.

No more lovemaking shit. Nobody wants that caressing and touching.

- I like to do that. - Nobody with a vote wants that.

And we don't even caress, so I don't want you caressing her.

So just get in there and just go for it. And have some fun.

Treat her like a piece of meat, you know? Just sexy fun times

Just exploring, just fun. It's an erotic ride.

It's okay. Give it to me.

What are you looking at me for? Give it to her.

- Gord, I love you. - Oh, that is so hot.

Oh my God. Just keep going.

I want to tell you something.

- I'm in love with your sheets. - They're good sheets, eh.

- I'm not wearing anything. - I know.

- Have you got something? - I'm on something.

- I'm clean. I swear. - I believe you.

I get checked all the time.

The girls at work would have told me if you weren't.

I'll pull out just to make sure.

Just tell me when.

I promise not to ruin your fucking amazing sheets.

I'll tell you something else.

You are beautiful.

I mean it, I mean it, I mean it, I mean it.

Your eyes, they're just like pools of hazel.

I'm sorry, I didn't...

I don't usually...

but you are fucking beautiful.

Thank you.

Wait a minute. I know that look.

That's the look I give when girls say "I've never gone this far before."

I fucked this up, didn't I?

Kris?

Oh, Kristin.

- Kristin Armstrong... - I need some dirty talk.

It really gets me off.

Don't stammer with it. Just say that shit with conviction.

I'm going to flip you over and break my dick off in that naughty ass.

And I'm going so deep that it makes your breath smell like dick.

And I'm going to come in your mouth so hard it shoots out of your ass.

- I'm the... - Jesus Christ.

I thought that's what you wanted.

- Why would I want that? - 'Cause you're a filthy whore?

- Sorry. - It's okay. It's my fault.

Just soldier on, buddy.

You like that?

- We should have sex, not talk about it. - It's not our fault.

Maybe we're getting older and our sex drive's diminished.

We're 26!

- Yeah, but that's not 19. - On sexless days, you jerk off, no?

Not every day.

Yes, but having sex is different than jerking off.

It's like a Powerbar versus a meal.

And you have Powerbars, I've seen you. So don't say no.

- Yes... - Right, so there you go.

That is a crazy load of shit.

We both masturbate, so then why don't we do it together?

Why don't we have sex more?

I think we both know that,

I'm not that interesting in bed.

I see that I can't get you excited, so what's the point, you know?

- What? - I've never been "Mr. Sex Guy".

I know two moves, that's it. You don't have to say it.

If you were never good, then why would I be with you?

Because you're afraid of being alone.

What?

You think the only reason that I'm with you is be...

Oh my God.

You think I'm with you because I'm afraid to be alone?

- Kind of sort of true? - Are you asking me?

Oh my God. If you think that the only reason we're together...

I thought you weren't attracted to me anymore,

because I don't look as good as I did when we first met.

No, baby. No.

- I think you look better. - You do?

- Well, yeah. Yeah. - Really?

I mean, you gained weight...

No, honey. I mean in a good way.

You filled out. You don't look like a young girl anymore.

No, no. I meant it... Arg! What do you want me to say?

- I want this to work. - Me too.

Maybe we're just bored, you know, after all this time.

- I don't know about that. - Just admit it, please.

- Okay, maybe, yeah. - We should try something different.

Okay, sure. Like what?

Something exciting?

Okay.

You mean like do it in the bathtub or something, or...?

I have the perfect idea.

I want you to do anything.

Anything you want to me.

- Are you talking to me? - Yes.

That means go for the ass, buddy.

What, forgot I'm in here? Oh, no. Don't stop.

I did not mean "go for the ass".

I didn't want you to stop, I just thought you were close.

I know I'm close. So just keep going.

Come on.

"Go for the ass" is not what I meant.

Your hand. It's on me.

I know, I just wanted to feel the rhythm of the thing.

- Yeah. I don't... - There you go.

- Go and sit over there. - Yeah, sure.

- So the ass? - I did not mean "ass". - He's got everything else.

And what does "Do anything to me" mean?

I don't know. It doesn't mean ass. I'm not doing that.

- You and I do it. - But this is different, it's...

I think she's saying that you're too big.

Is that what you meant?

Slow down.

If you want to control the speed, you can come back on top.

- Can't keep up, Mary? - Slow down, I'm serious.

- Too much for you, Nancy? - Stop calling me chick names!

- Susie... Debbie... - Stop...

Stop, stop, stop...

I was going to come.

- But you hadn't yet. - That's okay, Eric.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just...

I knew what I was doing.

I just wanted to get your first guy out of the way.

Just relax, okay.

I'm going to get a drink, do you want one?

Yeah, a drink would be great. Thanks.

- What's the matter? - Are you talking to me?

No.

- Here you go, sailor. - Thanks.

- Did you call,, my first guy"? - You're better after your first one.

You aren't holding back. You're more present. It's more fun for me.

You think you've got me all figured out, huh?

You were talking to your penis before, weren't you?

Yes, I was.

- Can we take a break? - Sure, yeah.

I've got to pace myself anyways, so.

Okay.

So...

...why me?

We're going to be moving out. And Inez is familiar with you.

And I really wanted somebody and I knew you were well-equipped

- so that was perfect. - How did you know...

We've been living together for a while and I really don't like you anymore.

I don't hate you but we used to be tight.

I'm sure once we're not roommates I won't hate you anymore.

We'll go back to being friends.

But it's easier for me to see her doing this with someone I don't like.

- Also, Gord finds you pretty attractive. - Right.

You never had a problem with this. This we're very good at.

Everything else on the other hand...

- What do you mean by that? - You know what I mean.

- Well sure but... - But what?

When we weren't being physical we had problems.

It doesn't mean that overall I didn't enjoy it, don't take it like that.

Are you blaming that on me?

- You think it's my fault? - It's not about you, Eric.

Don't tell me what I think.

Alright, so you do think it's my fault.

I only know what you think because you make it so obvious.

Stop it. I'm serious.

- Are you still seeing that girl? - No, I'm not...

I'm not too good at the one guy /one girl thing at the moment.

I'm having too much fun. Besides, I wouldn't be here if...

- Are you seeing someone? - No.

- What happened to that dude at work? - Which one?

- Which one? - There was kind of two.

You only mentioned Tristan.

Real macho sounding. Did he wear fitted t-shirts?

- No, stop it. - What's this other sissy's name?

- It's not important. - Why, is he a friend of mine?

- No. - Then tell me his name.

- No. - Excuse me?

Tell me his name.

Give it up, lady. Tell me his name, come on.

F-Dog Mac.

- Don't say anything. - F-Dog Mac?

It's his rap name or street name or something.

Jail name, what?! What the fuck is that?

Look how jealous you are.

I'm not jealous. I'm trying to figure out what the F stands for.

- Why are you so jealous? - I'm not jeal...

I'm not jealous.

I just...

want to make sure that you are treated, you know.

I want you to be happy.

I am.

Well, good. Very good.

- You? - I am very happy.

Really happy.

- I'm sorry I stopped. - It's okay. I've got nowhere to be.

You've slept with every girl at work. Is this how...

I've not slept with every girl. I've never slept with Mariah.

She got there before you. And Christina. I didn't fucking touch her.

Shakira...

Fuck, I'm lying. I'm reading your CD covers.

Yeah, I've slept with everyone. Go ahead.

I thought it would be different. I didn't think of all this intimacy.

I mean it's not that I don't like you, I do.

I'm so sorry.

It's all on me. I rolled this shit out too early.

I have no fucking idea why. I've...

What kind of stuff do you usually say?

Like, "You've got the best ass ever." Confidence boosters.

- What do you think of my ass? - I think it's the best ass ever.

- I'm serious. - I'm serious.

You've got to believe me, I'm an ass man. So it's an "assterpiece."

I'm going to go back in there with you on one condition.

Stop it with the goosh talk, because I am a player and it fucks up me shit.

Deal?

- Deal. - Good.

I know what you're thinking.

I lied. I don't know what you're thinking. What are you thinking?

Well for starters, where did you get that?

It was a door prize at Michele's bachelorette party. I won it.

- So... so you... - I wear it.

- Right. And you... - I fuck you.

You like a little finger up there,

and you guide my hand back there when you're drunk enough, so.

Well, that's a little bigger than a finger.

- We'd use lube. - Really?

You don't even want to try?

You know, it...

You have a G-Spot up there we haven't found yet. Aren't you curious?

I have a what, now? How do you know that? Where is it?

I have a what?

I'm sorry I even brought it up.

Okay. I'll put it away. And you can relax...

I don't know what we're going to do.

What's in it for you?

There's a little vibrating thingy in this pouch for me.

So, you could get off?

Oh yeah.

- Okay. - Really?

Yes. Okay. Okay.

Okay!

Well, I'm going to... You lay down.

Should we kiss a little bit first?

I don't think that's going to get me any wetter. So...

I'm just gonna...

It's okay, baby. It's just the tip.

That's what they all say.

Just try to relax.

Honey?

I'm right here, baby. I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, sure.

Happy birthday, baby.

- So, new game plan? - Yeah, just give me a second.

- Anything I can do? - This has nothing to do with you.

What you thinking about?

I don't know, tits.

It is funny that that Jessica bitch thought of herself as an athlete

just because she jumped horses.

- What's that called? - Equestrian.

Equestrian. The horse is the athlete. He's doing all the work.

It'd be like if the Olympics make guys run the 100 metre dash carrying...

a midget and then awarded gold metals to the midget.

That's funny.

- I'm not thinking of her. - Okay.

- I'm serious, I'm not. - Okay.

- Want me to... - No, I've got it.

Maybe we should just call it here.

I will take the blame. Thought it would be a great idea.

Let's stand it on a hand shake and blame it on the alcohol.

I will not have you remembering this as the night my shit didn't work.

I hate to break it to you, but...

- It is not my fault. I'm freaked out. - Everything freaks you out.

Everything? Did I not eat your ass but 20 minutes ago?

You only did that because you felt like you had to.

You only did that because you felt bad about the blow job fiasco.

Hey, listen. Nobody eats an ass out of obligation.

I know how you think.

I'm not some bitch who in 6 years never took the time to know you.

Stop calling her a bitch.

You were trying to act all macho because I'm calling you a Gaylord.

You grabbed my neck because I told you Dimitri always did it.

We know everything about each other. And that's why you can't get it up.

- Bet you didn't know I had a crush on you in Grade 4. - Yes, I did.

But I was with Morris whatever.

I had a crush on you in Freshman year. Bet you didn't know that.

Yes, I did. But I was with Jessica.

Wait, you knew?

Now, I'm really out of here. This should never have happened.

I didn't know you knew that. Where are my fucking pants?

I thought we could just do this but it's getting...

Put those fucking pants down.

A fuck is just a fuck. Did not you say that?

- Did you or did you? - Are you seriously asking this?

We are bith horny. Let's do this. Then we can be best friends again.

Right now, you are just a piece of meat. A hot pussy with feet.

And to you I should just be a big cock with a face.

And together we can do this thing. Just come back to bed.

- It shouldn't be this hard. - But it is.

But no, not if we just see meat...

No, I mean it is hard.

You know what's happening?

He's pointing at you. He wants you back in this bed.

If he could go like this, he would.

So get back in this bed. We're going to fuck and that's all.

It's about me not having to fall for some asshole.

And it's about my balls needing emptying.

Just me and my thing against you and your thing?

You ready?

- How you doing, baby? - Fine. How 'bout you?

This vibrating thing is awesome.

- Can I go deeper? - Oh, you know...

Let me go a little deeper and find your G-Spot.

My what now?

- How's that, baby? - It's not... not bad.

Wait, wait, woo, stop!

- Let's take it down a notch. - I'm coming.

Why are you going so slowly?

I don't know.

Do you want me to go faster?

- Maybe we should go faster. - Yeah.

- Oh nice work, man. - You, too, buddy.

- Yeah, yeah, right there. - You like that, you filthy whore.

- I'm going to come soon. - Oh my God, me too.

You are so gorgeous.

This is better than I ever thought.

- You're so beautiful. - I love you. - I love you too.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

- Fuck, you were amazing. - Me?

I only made you come once. You made me come three times.

- Holy mackerel. - So any notes?

Well, there was one groan that was a bit much.

- Really? - And you know which one.

- It was like agh! - Shut up.

- I didn't really buy it. - I'll keep that in mind.

You know what you could do for me?

Oh, no, baby. I'm still recovering.

You can't go near me, I'm so sensitive.

But you know what I would love?

A scoop of ice cream with a cookie.

And you could put it in a bowl and heat it up.

You want ice cream, that's just adorable.

- You may have to wash a bowl. - I don't mind.

- Bringing it to me? - Bring it to you. - With a cookie?

I'm really happy we did that. What's that?

I mean, I'm happy we had sex. But I'm just happy that we...

I'm gonna stop talking because it's clear that we both agree.

I just hope it doesn't take you too long to recover because I'm ready.

You forgot my cookie.

- Lift her leg. - Like this?

- Just really pull it. - Like this? - Yes, oh God.

I'm going to come I think.

Oh here we go. Oh we did it.

Oh, check me out.

Oh, man that was awesome, you guys are so hot.

Oh dude, I know we've had our differences but that was great.

Oh and baby, you were so dirty, I was so hot.

I'm gonna step out for a bit. If you need me, I'll just be...

One gulp of juice. That's all you leave me.

So I got to go buy the new carton? You think I'm an idiot?

You think you're smarter than me, you big-dicked fuck!

Please put some clothes on!

I didn't hear the microwave ding.

I'm confused. Were you massaging your cuticles?

- You said you came 4 times. - I know. - Were you lying?

No, I wasn't lying. It just...

What?

I can't come.

And I try. I try. I try, it's like there's something wrong with me.

It's supposed to be this fun casual thing.

It's not. Not to me.

It's so fucking overwhelming. It's so, so personal, I can't do it.

I can't stop thinking. What do I look like? And what does he think?

And I can't do it. I can't come.

I'm just not a very sexual person.

I'm sorry.

Hey, I'm really sorry.

It's going to be all right.

So, when you say you're not a sexual person...

Alright, I'm lying. That was like a crazy lie.

Not a sexual person. You are fucking lying.

Don't be so upset because you couldn't make me come.

That's not why I'm upset. There were plenty of girls I couldn't make come.

- I trusted you, Jamie. - Yeah, that's not my name. It's Dora.

But Dora was undercutting my whole hotness thing. So I changed it.

You changed your name to Jamie Fox.

How was I was supposed to know I was going to win all these Oscars.

You're crazy.

It's crazy to lie and try to fuck somebody. That never works.

I know you like your girls innocent so I played the part of it. So what?

I wanted to get fucked.

I did not know you were going to get soft and make love to me.

How am I supposed to come from that?

And you're not the man I heard about. You are a fucking hypocrite.

With your Jude Law scarf, and your dick in everything with a toe ring.

And then you come up in here with your primo bullshit...

...and you're going to call me a liar?

You didn't say one thing tonight that wasn't about you getting laid.

- Hey. - I need the deeds, was it good?

- No, it wasn't. - Was it bad?

No, it was just a fucking trial, man. This whole fucking thing is lies.

You know what I mean? Never again. I swear to God.

Yeah, but was it worth it?

- Could you not hear me? - That was great.

I said, wait. I said stop. I...

I said no.

Oh, look at you.

I'm sorry. I was so close and you seemed like you were enjoying it.

That's not the point.

No, it's the principle of the thing. A girl says stop, you stop.

This was supposed to be so that we could connect.

So we could do something exciting together.

But you're off in your own world again.

Not listening to me, pretending I'm not even there.

I bet in your mind you were ass-fucking lan Ziering.

Andrew. Did you enjoy it?

- That's not the the point. - You came like gangbusters.

How would you even know? You were too busy thinking of him.

I know because I could feel you.

Really.

When I was inside you I could feel it when you came.

That and I think you've got come all over yourself.

Well, it wasn't not good. And it was great seeing you so excited.

I can't remember the last time I saw you like that.

And you were definitely making some new noises yourself.

Honey.

I'm not bored.

- Is that a question? - No, I'm saying.

I'm not bored either.

- I forgot, can we...? - Yeah. Sorry.

So.

I thought this was what you wanted.

I did. I do. You looked great, baby.

- I love you so much. - I know.

I know.

Do you? She did all this for you.

No, we talked about this. She was excited, too.

- She wanted this just as much as me. - I just wanted to make you happy.

- I just wanted to make you happy. - You make me happy.

Don't do that. Come on. Look at me. I don't deserve a hot chick like you.

Every time we go out, everybody's looking at us like,

"What is she doing with that guy?"

Don't tell me you don't notice it. I see it.

I just wanted to give you something you deserve. I wanted to be happy.

That's why this was so hot for me.

When I see people on the street look at us like that...

Oh see, you do notice it. I knew it.

Yes, I notice it. And I love it.

It makes me feel like I have this great wonderful secret.

Like I know something that nobody else does. You are just for me.

But look at this guy. He's got the firm ass and cute nose.

- Look at this shit. - Can we please...?

It was nice and he's cute but I was just thinking of you.

- Really? - Yeah.

Yeah, but I'm... I'm a pervert.

- So am I. - So am I.

I like to steal people's shoes because the smell of them gets me really...

- I love you. - Oh my God, you are so hot.

- Baby, you are so hot. - You said that already.

I love you too, baby.

- I want you to do anything you want. - Anything? - Oh God, yes.

I'm just going do you every which way I can right here on this bed.

I'm going to pull your hair. And rip you and I'm going to hold you.

Freaky ass love all over the place, baby.

Okay, guys, I think I'm just going to pop out here quick.

Oh, Dave, wait.

I'm sorry for... I don't mean to be a dick.

I know.

And I want to thank you for fucking my girlfriend.

- Alright. - There we go.

Our dicks are touching.

Later, freaks.

Goodnight, Perv.

So, are we cool?

- Yeah. You love me? - Yes.

- Are you going to give it to me? - Oh, yes.

- You'd do anything for me? - Anything you want baby.

I was watching the two of you hug over there.

And it was nice. Nice and hot.

I just opened a new bottle, I didn't know what to pick.

- Here. - Thank you. Cheers.

Cheers.

So you're off?

I didn't want to impose. And I've got to be at work in the morning.

Then I guess I'll walk you to the door.

Yes. Okay.

- Give my best to Jasmine. - I will.

- Say hi to Fuck Dog for me. - Shut up.

Okay.

I might not be able to call you for a while. Work and everything.

Yeah, me too.

This has been fun.

Yeah.

Come here. Okay.

- Yeah. It was fun. - Yeah.

High five.

Man, I am so drunk.

Oh. Me too.

Okay, night-night.

Hey, Matt, listen. When I said that...

what is this?

I don't know what that is. Somebody's leaving CDs in my player.

Fine, go ahead. I'm the gaylordiest Gaylord ever. Say it.

I love this song.

- You... - Yeah.

- I'm not drunk. - Me neither.

I'm sorry I keep calling her a bitch.

- She is a bitch. - You're just saying that because I said it. - No, I'm not.

You always say stuff after I say it just because you feel you should.

I do not.

Are you talking about when I said after you...

Because I meant what I said. If you're saying I didn't.

- Shut the fuck up, man. - You shut the fuck up.

- Shut up. - You shut up. - Matt stop talking.

You want to...

We could do something else.

Nothing else comes to mind.

Hey, Dave.

Dave, you awake?

You are, aren't you?

Nicey nice.