Original subtitles

AINE: Okay, so do two more questions,

and I will continue to keep drying myself

with this invisible towel.

‐ Ah, yes, the invisible towel.

‐ [chuckles]

Yeah, dentists say it's very important

to floss every day, Richard.

And also Etienne said I looked really cool.

And he wouldn't lie to me.

Would you, Etienne?

‐ Non. AINE: Non.

RICHARD: This came through

at work, and I thought you might like it.

AINE: Oh, yeah? What is it?

‐ Aine. AINE: What?

ETIENNE: I don't know how.

‐ Oh, you do know how. Now, come on.

Right, er, it's literally very similar

to the sentence above it, so give it a go.

What's this? A Thousand Terrible Jokes.

[chuckles] Okay, yes, great.

So you got my autobiography, then?

‐ Exactly. ‐ Aine.

AINE: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes? ETIENNE: I don't know how.

‐ Oh, you do, we did it a million times this morning.

ETIENNE: I don't know how.

AINE: You... Come on, Etienne.

I... [stutters]

RICHARD: I went...

AINE: Yes, Richard. Very good.

Your English is really coming along.

[chuckles] ‐ Non.

[speaks French] Ce n'est pas juste.

She ask me. ‐ Etienne.

[sighs deeply]

I'll call him back. That was rude.

‐ No, no, no, no.

Richard, he's gonna have bad days.

It's fine. I have to go anyways.

Just, um...

run after him and give him a hug.

‐ Wouldn't it be better if you went after him?

I know you've gotta go, but, er,

um, you know, I can, can pay you extra.

AINE: Pay me extra?

This isn't Pretty Woman.

Just go after him and give him a hug.

He's your son.

‐ I'm fully aware of that.

‐ Okay.

RICHARD: Fine. I understand.

No, you're the tutor. It's not your job.

‐ Yeah, okay.

Uh, thanks for the book.

That's‐‐that's really funny.

Hey.

Hey, Richard.

[sighs]

"What is the difference between the G‐spot and a golf‐ball?

A man will actually search for the golf‐ball."

‐ I hate golf.

‐ Right, okay.

FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE: You have one new message.

SINGER: ♪ Bye‐bye to the prim and the proper ♪

♪ Bye‐bye to the pig in the pasture ♪

FREDDIE: Hello, knobhead.

It's Freddie. Guess what?

I'm working near your school today.

So, if you wanna meet for a drink after work,

little catch up?

I wanna see ya.

SINGER: ♪ I think I better misbehave ♪

[singing indistinctly]

AINE: Yes, Mo.

Okay.

And we have the beat.

So, five, six, seven, eight.

ALL: Mary had a little lamb.

Its fleece was white as?

‐ Just Alina!

ALINA: ♪ Snow, oh, oh ♪

‐ Voice of an angel.

ALL: Then everywhere that Mary went,

the lamb was sure to?

‐ Just Victor!

VICTOR: ♪ Go, oh, oh ♪

‐ Yeah, that's brilliant.

Well done, Victor.

I mean, what a talented bunch.

‐ What happened to the lamb?

‐ What's that? What happened to the lamb?

‐ "Mary had it." Past tense.

‐ Good question.

Maybe she ate the lamb.

‐ Mary is a psychopath maybe.

‐ Or alternatively, Mary's just a psychopath.

SINGER: ♪ Bye‐bye to the Ken and the Barbie ♪

♪ Bye‐bye to everything you taught me ♪

AINE: Oh, you done?

‐ Beautiful.

AINE: Oh, fab. Yeah.

Lovely. ‐ You like it?

‐ Oh, yeah. It's, er, very Russian looking.

Yeah, thank you so much.

And look, here's some, er...

here's some cash for you, by the way.

ALINA: Oh, no, I couldn't.

‐ Yeah, well...

Oh my God, I'm gonna be la‐a‐late.

Right. How does this work?

‐ Oh. ‐ Oh, Jesus.

Oh my God, James.

Shit. JAMES: Aine,

do not take your clothes off in front of our students.

AINE: Ge‐genuinely it won't‐‐ yeah, won't happen again.

JAMES: Okay. [Aine mutters]

‐ I‐‐I don't mind doing it again.

[James groans]

AINE: You're probably not helping us there, Alina.

JAMES: Not helping.

[Aine groans/mutters]

CLARA: You stole that top, then?

‐ Oh, no, it's from Oxfam. [chuckles]

‐ You stole it from Oxfam?

No, that's dark, mate. AINE: Oh, no, no, no.

No, I just put it on quickly

'cause I was in a rush, so I‐‐I didn't‐‐'cause I...

I didn't wanna be late basically.

‐ For who?

‐ I'm on a date, so...

‐ With yourself?

Oh, I like that. That's powerful.

‐ Yeah, no, it would be powerful, actually.

But, I mean, it's not.

I mean, maybe it's not a date.

I'm actually, well...

I'm having a drink with my ex, so... [chuckles]

He said he was round the corner about an hour ago.

‐ Fuck him. You should leave.

‐ [chuckles] If only it were that simple.

‐ It literally is that simple.

Treat yourself like a queen.

‐ Okay, I will. [chuckles]

‐ No, seriously.

Every morning I wake up,

and I tell myself I am a queen.

‐ What?

‐ I say that, and my boyfriend hears that

and knows that to be the truth.

‐ What, so every morning you literally say out loud

to your boyfriend "I'm a queen"?

‐ Listen, this guy's got you waiting here

on your own like some sad loser.

‐ Well, I don't know if I'm sad‐‐

‐ So say it every day.

Say "I am a queen."

‐ Like I am a queen.

‐ Go for it. ‐ I am‐‐I am a queen.

‐ And give it some welly.

‐ I'm‐‐

God, it's actually kind of emotional to have that...

‐ Mmm‐hmm.

‐ I'm a powerful queen.

God, it's‐‐ ‐ Hello.

‐ Oh, Jesus!

Oh my God.

Oh, you knobhead.

[chuckles] ‐ You alright?

‐ No.

‐ Sorry if I'm‐‐ if I'm late.

Am I late?

I was just having a beer with a friend.

‐ Oh my God, you have a friend.

That is so cute.

‐ Hi.

‐ Hi.

AINE: [chuckles] You knobhead.

Just take the shot.

‐ Your hair looks nice.

‐ Does it? ‐ Yeah, you look like

a lovely little brown sheep.

‐ Ahh. ‐ [imitates gunshot]

AINE: Ow! Freddie,

that actually hurt me on a bruised bit.

Don't do that. You shouldn't hit a woman.

It's awful. ‐ Sorry.

‐ [chuckles] Your face.

‐ Actually, can you not...

don't do that. It's not funny.

‐ Oh, come on, I was having a laugh with you.

[both shout]

‐ You got me.

[laughs]

‐ Played you, lady.

So, how is it not living with Shona?

‐ Er, yeah, brilliant, brill‐‐

Yeah, I'm just doing really brilliant.

Um, er, my flat mate, Bradley, who I...

‐ Oh. ‐ What?

‐ You having sex with Bradley?

‐ [chuckles] Er, well...

I wish, because the noises he gets

out of his girlfriend are just‐‐

‐ Oh, louder than us?

‐ Yes, Freddie.

Louder than when you used to honk my boobs.

‐ [honks musically]

‐ [honks]

Er, so, the good thing is,

I can now finally sleep because she just dumped him.

‐ Great news. ‐ Yeah.

I mean, he's devastated, but good news for me.

Um, and then Shona is, yeah, she's good.

She's on a romantic weekend with Vishy boy,

somewhere posh where they, like,

don't have any phone reception.

‐ Just a view of a wild pony and some pheasants?

‐ [posh accent] Very much so, yes.

‐ He's proposing.

‐ What? No.

‐ Yeah. Why not?

‐ 'Cause Vish wouldn't ask her

without asking me first.

‐ What, are you the gatekeeper?

‐ Yeah, I am.

‐ Well, they looked pretty loved up the other week.

I bet you 20 quid he proposes.

‐ Where did you see them the other week?

‐ A work event.

Did she not mention it? ‐ Er, no.

‐ Ah, you guys.

you barely know each other anymore.

‐ Oh, shut up, Freddie. You're annoying me now.

‐ She gave me a bit of an evil eye.

Again, I swear it, she just‐‐she hates me.

AINE: Good. Yeah, well, sh... yeah.

‐ Well, all the boys in the office are shit‐scared

'cause of this women's networking thing she's setting up.

AINE: Oh, no.

All the little city boys...

They're all scared that the ladies are gonna come along

and take away all the strippers and cocaine.

‐ Yeah? [mimics sobbing]

[both mutter indistinctly]

‐ Well, they should be scared, because she's working

really hard on it; it's gonna be amazing.

‐ Well, her and Charlotte.

AINE: Oh, do you know Charlotte?

‐ Yeah, I've been doing loads of work for her.

She's less intimidating than Shona.

‐ Well, maybe 'cause you're not trying to have sex with her sister?

‐ Who says I was trying to have sex

with anyone's sister?

‐ Miss it, miss it.

Miss it... ‐ Bye‐bye.

‐ I'm going for a wazz. Get me another drink.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

‐ Oh, hiya. Me again.

You don't have, like, a tampon or a pad

or anything on you, do you?

‐ You asking me?

‐ I mean, yes,

because you're the only person in the...

Actually, do you know what? It's fine.

I'll roll up some loo roll or something.

‐ Wait a minute. ‐ Oh, do you?

Oh, you legend.

Whoa, that is old school.

[chuckles]

It's like a mini air mattress.

‐ Yeah, these ones are just cheaper.

‐ Oh, yeah, of course.

Well, thank you. Thank you so much.

Oh my God.

I'll be really comfortable when I sit down.

Kinda like, um, a fanny bouncy castle.

[chuckles]

Hey, do you think it's a sign from Jesus

not to sleep with my ex?

A big bloody sign.

The Lord, He does work in mysterious ways.

I mean, it's not like you can't have sex on your period,

but not if you want to make an impression.

[toilet flushes]

Unless that impression is that there's been

a terrible murder on his penis.

Hmm. Yeah.

Hey. [chuckles]

Um, I'm gonna head.

‐ Oh, okay.

Did I piss you off?

‐ No, no, no, no. It's just, um...

Yeah, I've just got lots of work

to catch up on for the morning, so...

‐ What, writing out the alphabet for the foreigners?

‐ [chuckles] Now you know I only know

between A and C and then after that I'm just...

freestyling it out. [chuckles]

‐ Okay. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Well, can we, um, do this again soon?

I miss you. ‐ I miss you too.

‐ Miss you more.

‐ No, I miss you...

[chuckles]

Um, well, er,

you're a gentleman and scholar.

‐ Yes. A lovely shake.

‐ [chuckles] ‐ See you.

‐ Bye. ‐ Bye.

AINE: I'm a queen. I'm a powerful queen.

SHONA: Hi, you've reached Shona's voicemail.

Leave a message. [mobile phone beeps] AINE: Oh. Hiya, Sho.

Um, Aine here. Surprise. Ha, ha, ha.

Er, yeah, I'm just checking really...

Vish hasn't proposed, has he?

Um, I mean, I know, mad, but if he has, or is,

find reception and, um, let me know.

Er, though how would you let me know if he hasn't?

Er, otherwise, er, I hope it's fun and that

there are loads of, um, pheasants and shit.

And, er, I'll have everything you don't use,

so, especially like mini body lotions

or mini conditioners, or anything like that.

Um, yeah, okay, miss you.

Miss you. Love you. Bye.

BRADLEY: Come on, come on, come on. [groans]

‐ Hello.

BRADLEY: Hello. MATTY: Hey. POPPY: Hello.

‐ Hello. Hi.

‐ I added someone new to the break‐up squad.

AINE: Oh. ‐ Matty. AINE: Oh, hiya.

I'm Aine. Hiya.

Oh, hi, Pops. POPPY: Hiya.

‐ How you feeling, Bradley?

‐ Like death.

‐ Oh, well, that's, you know, at least, er,

no worse than this morning, then.

How's your day with your big brother been, Poppy?

POPPY: Fan‐fucking‐tastic.

He took me to the park to feed the ducks.

Then he pushed me on the swings till I got tired.

‐ [chuckles] Yeah.

‐ Do you wanna watch some boring football with us?

AINE: No, I'm just gonna, um, read, or chill, or something.

But enjoy.

MATTY: Ref.

[knock at door]

‐ Hey, Irish pal. ‐ Oh, hiya.

‐ Come hang out with us.

Bradley's eating his feelings, so we got pizza.

‐ Oh, no, you're alright.

Thanks, though, lovey.

I'm just, er, just a bit grumpy.

I got the old period so...

‐ Girl, you must be Justin Timberlake

'cause we is N'Sync, okay.

[laughs] ‐ [laughs] Really?

POPPY: Yeah, I've been bleeding all over the couch all evening.

AINE: Oh, wow. Okay... [chuckles]

BRADLEY: Aine, I've got one of, um, Emma's hot water bottles.

Come out and hang, babe.

Come on. Come on. ‐ Come on, let's go.

Don't make me tickle you. ‐ No.

[laughs] ‐ I'll do it, you know. Get out.

‐ [groans] It was a pretty intense

five weeks really, you know.

BRADLEY: Yeah, but I'm hoping we can make it work, you know.

I'm crazy about her. AINE: Mmm.

POPPY: [imitates buzzer]

No way. She was a little witch.

‐ Don't. Honestly, yeah?

‐ What? Aine, what did you think of Emma?

‐ Um...

[chatter] POPPY: See? [laughs]

BRADLEY: Whoa. What, you didn't like her?

‐ Ah, no.

No, like, she had, er, nice legs.

‐ Legs? [Matty laughs]

‐ Characteristic... ‐ Okay, okay.

This is my impression of Emma. ‐ Please.

‐ [imitates Emma] Ah, Bradley,

will you pay for this for me? ‐ [chuckles]

POPPY: [imitates Emma] I don't have any money,

but I've got breasts. ‐ Mmm.

‐ Honestly, don't, yeah? Shut up or I'll punch you in your dark womb.

‐ I thought it was a very nuanced performance.

Five stars from me.

‐ Thank you very much. Please, do yours.

‐ Oh, do my impression of Emma? POPPY: Mmm.

AINE: Um, okay. So...

[moaning]

BRADLEY: My God.

‐ Oh God. [laughter]

BRADLEY: My little sister's here, man!

‐ [squeals]

To be fair, it never sounded like she was faking it, you know.

‐ I can't believe you heard us have sex.

That's so embarrassing. But, thank you.

‐ It sounded a bit like you'd heard there was free money in her vagina

and, like, you were trying to dig it out.

[laughter] POPPY: Go, man.

‐ Fine. Proves I'm a feminist, doesn't it?

So, if you don't mind, ladies, be quiet,

the football's back on.

‐ Aww.

POPPY: Brother, dear, why have you got an Afro comb

when your hairline is running away from your face?

[laughter] ‐ At least I grow my own hair.

And that's not mine. ‐ Oh, that's mine.

POPPY: You've got an Afro comb?

‐ No, I don't. I just call it my‐‐ my lovely comb.

[laughter continues] AINE: No, what?

POPPY: Aine has an Afro comb.

[chatter]

‐ We should do something about these ringlets, though.

‐ You know, I grew up in a house with only women,

so I actually quite like hearing women talk during football.

‐ Aw, that's so cute. ‐ Aww.

‐ Aw, that is cute, but I don't feel that way.

So, if you don't mind shutting up, yeah?

AINE: [sniggers] 'Cause the football's on, is it?

POPPY: Shh. BRADLEY: Oh my God.

Pass the ball, pass the ball.

Yes, yes, yes. ‐ Yes!

[all cheer]

‐ Football!

[all cheer]

Oh, Bradley, you know you're a queen.

‐ Ah. ‐ You're an absolute queen.

And you deserve someone who sees your magic.

POPPY: Yes.

‐ [Irish accent] Yeah, well I, I'm so thankful for that,

'cause I am just a single girl on the town with my four friends.

[laughter] ‐ Four? The three of us.

‐ Guys, can I be a saddo and take a selfie?

Is that sad? ‐ Yeah.

‐ 'Cause my sister thinks I don't have any friends in London.

‐ Come on. ‐ Ah, we're your friends.

‐ You're my friends.

Oh, I've such a big head.

‐ Look like we like each other. ‐ Okay.

[poppy squeals and camera shutter clicks]

‐ That's nice that. ‐ Is it nice?

‐ Yeah. ‐ Mmm.

Oh my God, I do have such a huge head.

‐ You know, we're your brothers now.

I would kill for you, Aine.

‐ [chuckles] Oh, that's nice.

POPPY: Would you kill for me, bro?

‐ I'd barely commit minor fraud for you, Poppy. [Poppy tuts]

[energetic dance music]

SINGER: ♪ I don't see no red lights ♪

♪ Just a wild ride ♪

♪ You are my getaway ♪

♪ You are my getaway ♪

♪ Tonight I'm gonna be alright ♪

♪ You are my getaway, you are my getaway tonight ♪

♪ You are my getaway, you are my getaway tonight ♪

AINE: Oh my God.

AINE: Tom.

TOM: Hey! AINE: [squeals]

What are you doing here?

Hiya.

[both squeal]

‐ Oh my God. Lads, it's my friend Tom.

POPPY: Hi. MATTY: Hey, how you doing?

TOM: Bloody love this girl! [laughs]

AINE: Put me down, Tom. Put me down.

[chatter]

AINE: Are you drunk?

TOM: Shh, don't tell me mum.

[chuckles]

AINE: Oh, why? How are you drunk, Tom?

TOM: Oh, shut up and dance, enjoy yourself.

Come on, let's go.

BRADLEY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

AINE: Stop it, Tom.

‐ I think you've had enough, mate. You alright?

‐ You know, I'm sorry, he's just a bit drunk.

Um, actually, Brad, can you hold that for me.

Come on, um... ‐ What's the matter with him?

AINE: No, he's fine, he's fine, he's fine.

Let's‐‐let's just go out. ‐ I'm just trying to be nice.

‐ Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, come on, come on, Tommy, come on.

‐ Alright. What's the matter with him? ‐ Yeah, we'll just have a chat.

‐ Where you going? ‐ We'll just have a little chat.

‐ I was just trying to be nice. ‐ I know, I know, I know, I know, yeah.

Oh, Tom. Tom, come on.

‐ Er, no, it's alright, babe. I'm alright.

‐ Tom, I'm so sad that you're drinking again.

‐ You're so sad I'm drinking? AINE: Yeah.

TOM: Poor fucking Aine is sad.

Are you‐‐are you joking like you're much better?

‐ Tom.

‐ I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I shouted.

‐ Tom. TOM: I'm sorry I shouted.

‐ I know. TOM: I'm a good man.

AINE: I know you're a good man.

‐ Perhaps we should finish off what we started?

‐ No, no, no, no, Tom. No, Tom, you're not...

TOM: Come on. ‐ No, Tom, we're friends.

We're better off, you were right.

No, Tom, don't, don't do that.

TOM: You have got lovely tits.

‐ No, Tom. Tom, don't.

No, don't do‐‐ MATTY: Oi, Aine, are you alright?

BRADLEY: Oi, what the fuck's wrong with you? POPPY: Oi!

BRADLEY: What are you doing?! Back off, man! Back off, man!

[all shouting indistinctly]

TOM: We love each other!

[Tom groans] AINE: What are you doing, Matty?

Jesus. MATTY: No, no, no, no, he tripped, he tripped.

He's‐‐he's a drunken creep.

‐ He's not a drunken creep. He's not well.

TOM: She's fucking madder than me.

Tell 'em where we met.

AINE: Tom! TOM: Tell 'em.

‐ What are you saying that for?

TOM: [groans] I shouldn't have had that coke.

Fucking Dave.

AINE: Get in that taxi, Tom.

‐ I can't. I can't.

BRADLEY: What an idiot. [sucks teeth]

‐ Um... ‐ Aine, wait.

AINE: Um, no, no, no, no, I'm grand, actually.

Well, um, I'm gonna‐‐ I'm actually gonna take

that taxi home to my sister's.

BRADLEY: No, you don't need to do that. AINE: Er, no, no, no, no.

It's‐‐it's all a bit much. BRADLEY: We're your brothers, remember?

AINE: Yeah, yeah, I to... I totally know.

POPPY: You're upset, you shouldn't be by yourself. AINE: I am so sorry.

I'm sorry he was shouting at you, Matty.

I ruined...I'm so sorry.

MATTY: You didn't ruin it, Aine. Come on.

AINE: Um, to the... please.

AINE: Just‐‐it's totally fine. Sorry.

[mobile phone buzzing]

‐ [yawns]

There's blood all over my sheets.

‐ [laughs, groans]

‐ Should have put a towel down.

‐ What, like a German tourist?

[both laugh]

‐ You should, um...

‐ Oh, yeah, I have to get to work.

Yeah, course.

[chuckles softly]

‐ [honks] ‐ [squeals, chuckles]

[knocks]

‐ Hey.

‐ Hi, yeah, how are you?

‐ Tea, or...

AINE: Um, yeah, thank you.

Oh, actually, co‐‐

um, could I get a coffee?

‐ Sure. ‐ Thanks.

‐ Listen, I'm, um... I'm sorry about yesterday.

AINE: Oh, no, that's totally fine.

I'm sorry if I overstepped the mark.

That was‐‐ honestly we don't even need

to talk about it, so... ‐ Er, I'd like to...

‐ [stutters] Where...

er‐‐where‐‐where is Etienne?

RICHARD: Someone's dropping him home. He had a‐‐

a sleepover with a friend last night, which is, er, which is great.

AINE: Oh wow, really? A friend?

That's‐‐ God, that's, that's amazing. Yeah.

I think sometimes it must be so lonely for him.

‐ Are you okay?

‐ Yeah. Yeah, sorry.

Yeah, I'm, er, just really happy to think of him not‐‐

not being on his own, you know.

I, um, had a, had a friend last night who, er...

he's not very well.

It's quite sad, the‐‐you know, um...

He can't get the drink out of him, you know.

‐ Ah. ‐ Mmm‐hmm.

‐ Yeah.

No, drink is hard to fix.

‐ Yeah.

‐ Because it is so, so lovely.

‐ [chuckles] Yeah, it is so, so lovely.

Ah, it's just such a shame, you know, because he's, er,

he's so loved, and it's just awful to see like the, um...

the‐‐the‐‐the bits that make someone great

sort of fall away, you know?

You know there's that quote,

"I tried to drown my sorrows

but then the bastards learned how to swim."

‐ [chuckles] Nice.

‐ Mmm. It's a Frida Kahlo quote.

She's my favorite author

because her books are mostly pictures.

[both chuckle]

‐ Yeah. [clears throat]

We could, er‐‐ we could add that to your book.

‐ Oh, yeah, my joke book, yeah.

‐ Mmm.

‐ Whoa.

[chuckles]

One tiny awkward move for mankind,

one giant step for Richard‐kind.

[lock clicks]

Oh.

Etienne, come here and give your paid

professional tutor a hug, will ya?

ETIENNE: Aine. AINE: Yeah?

‐ [imitates gunshot] AINE: Oh my God.

You shot me! I wasn't even armed.

Come here, you monkey. [chuckles]

How are ya?

Oh, hey, shoot your dad.

‐ Eh, Papa?

Richard.

[Etienne imitates gunshot and Aine gasps]

‐ Sorry, um...

[groans feebly]

[Aine laughs]

AINE: Wow, Etienne, you didn't tell me your dad

was a professional Hollywood actor.

‐ Yes.

[laughter]